Wednesday, November 28, 2001

hard to be a good judge of someone that you worship

Well it is Wednesday...well I guess Thursday now. I got up about 7:30am on Wednesday and I have been pretty much going until just now. And I could have been out dancing until late tonight, but with all the work I have going on I am not sure I would be able to function to do it tomorrow if I went out. I had fun with friends tonight. I should have been home working on the website instead. Oh well, it was a fun night and I really did need it.

Yesterday, I was in airports and on planes and then last night came home to have to work right away. I am thankful though Kam really helped out a lot last night. We had friends over but I pretty much hung out online as they chatted. Not as rude as it sounds. They came over to see Kam. It was just a bonus they got to see me lol

I wrote Sir Nick another hard email last night....after chatting with Di and Ray online about the things I had been thinking about. Ray and I had a good talk. We chatted about humiliation and weight issues and Sir Nick. He said to me last night..."you create very clear roles with people... you like to keep people well defined" -- I told him that I wanted Nick to be all roles and I meant that. My typing was horrible last night and Ray said something about it and I said I was not happy and tired.

While I was away, I had offline messages and emails from different guys who like me and want me as their submissive or to date me. And I know LOTS was going on with Nick and work so I understand but it still does not make it hurt less...that I do not get emails or messages from him. I open up my email box and wish that I would have just even a one-line email saying I am thinking of you...or I miss you.

Something’s Ray said to me:
"hard to be a good judge of someone that you worship"

It is true but I also trust that Nick is who he says he is without a doubt and I have had people wonder and ask me and doubt but I can't tell you how but I know for certain he is real and is who he says he is...he is all the qualities he has described and that I have found out on my own by getting to know him online and the phone. I do worship him already. I do that with the ONE. I worshipped Kam when first here. I worshipped Todd.

"you're a rollercoaster when it comes to this guy"

I am not sure I agree with that one. I feel very calm with Nick. I mean Ray was not around when I was with Todd LOL Then he would know what a rollercoaster is like with me lol

"you need to see him... you need to look into his eyes. I don't think that is too much to ask."

I agree.

I miss Sir Nick a lot and it is time.....for things to go forward.


Tuesday, November 27, 2001


Libra Sun Sign Central

Libra is symbolized by the Scales. You're romantic but particular, diplomatic but indecisive, but ultimately happiest when you're in love. You don't really like to be alone, period. You abhor conflict, and have a highly developed sense of objectivity and conflict resolution.Symbol: the Scales

Ruling Planet: Venus
Ruling House: Seventh House
Element: Air
Quality: Cardinal
Body Parts: kidneys
Date with destiny: Gemini, Aquarius
Run for the hills: Cancer, Capricorn
Where you glow: mediating
What makes you tick: charm
Fitness forecast: rowing
Play date: flying first class to Paris
Perfect jobs: beautician, personal shopper
Best accessory: a bottle of water
A sure thing: flirting
Destination: Fiji
Pleasure: cooperation, fair play, conversation
Pain: disharmony, solitude, decision-making
What's my line? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Libra Beauty Profile

Libras, you certainly know how to please, don't you? You know that the world wants beauty, and you always deliver. Feminine but strong, charming but never coy, you have a knack for looking fabulous with a minimum of effort. Perhaps it's the inherently captivating quality of this Cardinal Air Sign, or maybe it's the way you yearn for harmony at all costs. Maybe it's the Libran need for companionship that influences you to always look your best. Whatever IT is, it imbues you with a healthful glow, a strong and luminous life force that allows you to step out without making yourself up.

Libras seem blessed somehow -- you were likely an adorable baby, a delightful child, a homecoming queen and now a goddess possessed of a decidedly ethereal yet human beauty. It has to be the skin. Since you move through life with the purpose of balance and harmony, the lack of stress shows in your supple and ageless skin. You look lovely in greens and pinks, and you bathe in warm, floral scents.

You make it look effortless, but you just keep your secrets well. Right? Your beauty comes from your movie star poise, your grace and your subtly persuasive nature. You're at your most beautiful, though, when you're in love.

Libra and Romance

Libra, as befits the sign of the Scales, reveres balance and harmony above all. If this can be achieved with a partner, even better, for Libra rules the House of Partnerships and revels in things that come in twos. The Scales are sociable and shine in social situations, where their gift of communication is an attraction to many. Librans also want to be liked, even loved, by those who cross their path, and it can be very hard to resist the Scales when they are at their most charming and magnetic selves. It's not unusual for Librans to possess an easy grace and sense of style and move languidly throughout a room. Behind that pretty facade is a smart, often smoldering soul who knows how to get what they want, and would love nothing more than to do so fairly and justly. When the Scales find the partner they've been searching for, it could be a match made in hot heaven.

What Libra Needs

The partner who can encourage Libra to be honest, open, trusting and free is on the right track. The Scales crave someone who can give them feedback and support, and affirm that they are a treasure to behold. Wooing them with gifts can be the right stimulant. Some long talks, along with a lesson in give-and-take, can also work wonders. Anyone who can bring Libra to an open state, who can get them to think less and feel more, will be rewarded with a grateful and passionate lover.

The Libra lover is a harmonious soul who adores love, beauty and the romance dance. Anyone who can take this pleasure principle and make it seductively mental is bound to be at the top of their list. Blissfully partnered Libras exude a sex appeal which is off the charts!

Libra and Sex
Sex is often mental for Air signs, and Libra is no exception. These great communicators are possessed of a strong intellect, and these mental fireworks often manifest themselves in the thorough exploration of a lover. Only the brave need apply! Since the Scales like to be in balance, though, they are often thinking of what both partners want. A marked distaste for confrontation can sometimes be perceived as disinterest on Libra's part, but it's more often just a deep-down desire to please. Libras love seduction and foreplay, and plenty of talk leading to some hot action. If this is all achieved in the right luxurious setting, watch out! Libras swathed in riches are a pleasure to behold. Libra loves the thought of a gifted and attractive partner, since they feel their partner is receiving just that. It's safe to say that a little erotica goes a long way with the Scales, since these folks can be oh-so-playful with their toys.

Libra: Karmic Life Lessons

Ruled by lovely Venus, Libra is all about sweetness and romance, art and beauty, balance and charm. As the Sign of the Scales, one of Libra's great concerns is justice and equality, but this Sign may be even more concerned with partnerships. Friendships and romance feed Libra's soul; a social butterfly (and always a delightful host), Libra hardly ever finds itself without a lover. Those born under its influence truly prefer togetherness to being alone and tend to feel distinctly uncomfortable when single. They even have a hard time when they simply find themselves on their own for an evening without companionship. This marks Libra's greatest Karmic task: To stop looking to others to fill the perceived empty parts of the soul. Librans truly believe they're better off with others' constant support and companionship, and in many ways they're right: Team efforts can often get much more done than an individual, and an evening out with friends can be more fun than spending it home alone. It's the driving need for support and reassurance behind the urge for companionship, however, that is Libra's puzzle to solve.

Librans simply haven't learned -- or don't trust -- that their souls are complete as is. They don't need to rely on others for support; they have themselves. However, they often don't realize this and instead commit lots of energy to seeking and securing others' approval. The trouble is, seeking approval can actually be considered a procrastination device. It can certainly inhibit progress if the approval sought isn't found. As a Cardinal Sign, Libra has lots of energy to start new projects and get things going, but its commitment not to proceed until everyone is working together smoothly is unrealistic and may be the very thing that stops the project completely. Libra needs to realize that not everyone can, will or even should get along all the time; when dissenting opinions make tempers flare, Libra would do well to push ahead, even if that has to happen alone.

Differences of opinion and arguments can be very difficult for diplomatic Libra to handle. When disagreements occur, Librans tend to react in several different ways: They might become indecisive, refusing to take a stand as that would be akin to taking sides. Alternatively, some Librans will use their natural charisma to try to charm others into "good behavior." This is fine -- to a point. Sometimes Librans take their yen for harmony so far they're willing to lie or manipulate just to keep things running smoothly. In the end, of course, this kind of behavior rarely pays off; in fact, it may only further upset that balance that Libra is trying so hard to find. But why place so much important on balance in the first place? It's impossible to make everyone happy and one could use up a lot of energy trying, and all in vain.

Libra must learn that keeping everyone happy isn't the most important thing in life. Furthermore, others' approval is fickle and not to be counted on; Libra would do well to realize that when getting too caught up in wanting to be liked by all. Libra can learn from Aries's brash approach to life about placing less importance on outside opinion. Libra can look to emotional Cancer to learn how to confront feelings, even when they're frightening or uncomfortable. And Capricorn can teach Libra the importance and success of hard work done solo, carried over the long-term.

Plane Ride

I am back from being out of town! I am writing up journal entries I did on the plane and on my holiday......hopefully post them tonight. Tired and wired all at once...


Wednesday, November 21, 2001

Prep for Travel

Music: on random playing songs from Nelly Furtado, Enrique Igeleias Escape and older CD

I can't believe how busy work has been. If things keep going this well, we will be having a very nice Christmas :) I cleaned house, did laundry, almost done packing some last moment things, did website stuff, worked getting things ready for when I was gone. I am going to be seeing my family. Which actually does not cause me stress like it seems to other people . I have not seen my sisters in I am not even sure how long so it will be good to see them. I need to write my one sister because my dad will most likely be on her computer and she is not "out" to them about being a lesbian so if he were to happen onto sites or cookie for emails it could be a not so fun weekend. I am going to be seeing Jim's parents while there also. And I am looking forward to that. I have not seen them since last year when I was in Topeka for Mistress DM's birthday so that was over a year ago.

It seems after I talk to Nick on the phone that I crave to talk to him even more. If I do not hear from him in a few days I get antsy and if I do it is another kind of antsy feeling. He is going to his family's for Thanksgiving and I am sure his mom is excited to have him there. :) He and I will be on planes at the same time.

Well, I suppose I should finish packing.

I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!

peace and serenity,


Music: Jennifer Lopez

I am censoring myself about a few things....

My feelings for Nick.... I am scared and I get more scared each day that goes past that we do not firm up our plans to meet. I get to feeling so at odds with things. We had these wonderful conversations hours on end and now I talk to him about once a week. It gets hard. And not sure how to say that other than it gets hard. Everyday I have people message me and ask how things are with Nick....and everyday I say “fine...just hard being away from him.” And everyday people ask me when I am going to see him and everyday I say the same thing. “He is busy with work and so we have not set that up yet.” I now have of course people telling me he is not real. And I know without a doubt he is real. That is something I can say for sure.

He is so real to me. That is something that feels so good and right. He helps me even right now - though we have limited contact he helps me get through life to have a goal to get to basically. But it gets harder to do this when I have limited contact and we do not know each other real life. He owns me already but of course there are parts he cannot without contact. He says something and I do it.

He shows me he cares in things he says....guy things. *smile* Like yesterday, when I was telling him something about Todd. He expressed his dislike in Todd because Todd hurt me. He has done that too when I told him about Don. Well, Don I think Nick would like to hurt...very badly. The tone in his voice is very much…..I care about you and do not like what these people have done to you. A couple weeks ago I had wrote him a letter expressing fear of him not wanting me basically and he stopped that…... he had me put on the brakes and turn around back towards him. His comments on things...about our life.....references to "when you are here...." - talking about him as Master and other little things. So I know he wants me there.

If we were spending more time talking and such like we did before, I wonder if I would be so insecure. If we had been talking like we did at first...I would have wanted to be there sooner I believe.

Other things censoring myself on....

A little bit on Todd. It is funny. Something happened recently and it showed me that my feelings for him are almost gone. I mean I care as I always do about people I love. But that need and to be his and a part of his life is gone...the strings he was able to pull in me have been cut.....he could never get me with my mind and take me away from Nick. Which I was thrilled about lol Because as much as Di and I have talked about “what if” he came back...what would I do, I always said I would be friends but nothing ever more but in the back of my mind I wondered if I would be able to resist him. Now I know I could. :)

I took him off all my buddy lists a long time ago when Nick suggested it….but I did not on one yahoo because I was not on that yahoo name at that time much and then one on aol (because I forgot he was on that list). Anyway I was signing on the one on aol the other night and noticed the name he "supposedly" created for me was signed online. It was funny seeing it on the screen...if felt right in that moment like a lie. Kam would always say “if he created that name for you why is he signed on it when you are not online.” I always wondered that but never asked because the other questions I had with Todd were far bigger lol

Censoring about Ray....

He is a good man and I have talked to him about lots of things but I am still guarded and that drives him insane. I am going to still censor about him. Because I just do not know what to write. He will love that....because I told him that last night on another topic we were having and I could not find the words for what he wanted me to talk about.

I am drained. I am working LOTS. I went to bed at 3am last night. I woke up at 8am. I do not get enough sleep. So that is draining me, but what is draining me even more is the lack of contact with Nick. And Ray is feeling some of those feelings associated with that. I feel lost a lot of the time. I mean I am going forward with my life. I do the things I want and need to daily but that part of me that is Nick's (which is a pretty big part) feels like I am doing this alone right now. Lucky Ray gets to put up with me being like this LOL

It has been nice to kind of use him as a sounding board...I do the "what if you were my Master"....type do not take that the wrong way yet lol Last night I had a conversation with someone that did not approve of my profession. And the conversation upset me a lot and I can hear everyone a long with what Kam and Ray both said...ignore him you can't change his mind. Anyway, the conversation upset me and so I said if you were my Master would you want to know about it. He said yes anything that hurt you I would want to know about. He said you are wondering if you should send it to Nick. I said yes. :) I am glad he lets me do that with him.

Wonderful PMS....Last nights conversation with Ray ended me up in tears. He does not like that I am being so guarded with him. And he ultimately knows why...he and I can walk a dangerous line. He was the FIRST to pull out things in me that I had kept locked away. And maybe because of that he wants to crack the code of danae and know *all* of me. There is a part that is in me that no one sees. Not even Mistress DM. There is a part I do not let open to anyone. I can't just let go completely. And I want that more then anything but I will not let it go until I am sure. I am sure I am safe. I was starting to open it up and let it out with Todd and I got burned badly. So, not going to do it again.

The guy that did not approve of my profession of course then had to say that Nick did not really care for me because if he did I would not be doing what I was...uggghh Society's view is so different then how it really this industry. I can't believe how much my self esteem and confidence has went up. I am soooo much more independent now. And I feel it makes me a better submissive as now I am able to give from strength instead of weakness. My job and just being with Kam has helped me grow as a person so that I give from strength.

That just brought to mind part of a conversation with Nick yesterday. I can't even remember what it was about but remember the feelings I had during it. He said something and the tone was basically one of those do you hear what I am saying. I said yes Sir. It came out so much....not sure the word....a part of me. Not fight no urge to fight. We had a playful conversation. I can joke with him and such but he lets me know where the line is at with him....he shows me my place.

I get these intense feeling about him and thoughts of him and I as Master/slave. They well up inside me and feel as though they are going to just burst out. I feel at times I can't contain them. I have written before that I tend to put my Owner in a god-like category. They are up on this pedestal. I feel that with Nick and I feel that with other people too such as Mistress DM. They are above me. And not like I am less then but yes it is....thinking of how I put it once. We are not equal....but that does not devalue me. I am important...they are just above me. I get that feeling with Nick often. He says I am good for his ego lol

Uggghhh it is 10am so my phone is starting to ring off the hook. So I need to go and take care of my business. I want to write more on those feelings above. So maybe later today or when I get back from Kansas.


Tuesday, November 20, 2001


THE EROTIC PARTNER OF THE LIBRA (people in my life behind their sign in italics)

When two skillful lovers such as Libra and Libra have a rendezvous, few desires remain unfulfilled. Their love play becomes a delight. (Sir Rob)

The Scorpio does not necessarily give the Libra quivers of rapture. Too much passion can frighten the Libra.

With a Sagittarius, this problem does not arise. Open and idealistic in bed, too, Sagittarius can become excited about Libra's love skills. (first crush/love)

Capricorn and Libra are not the optimal erotic combination. Both may have to get used to the love practices of the other. Well, nothing is impossible! (Kam and Jackie)

Libras devote their erotic interest to Aquarius gladly and spontaneously. This results in happy hours for them both. (Morgan)

Due to all the dreaming, the Pisces may not get to the erotic part and the Libra may lose interest. (Sir Nick)

Aries people are not exactly balm for the Libra love nature. If Arians can reign in their temperament, it may work. Otherwise not. (Jim)

A Taurus meets the Libran expectations of a "cultured" love life better than the Aries, even if their erotic desires are at times divergent.

The Gemini is almost a guarantor of heavenly love nights. No wonder, because in bed, too, this devil is skilled and artful. (Brian not sure I ever have talked about of my love interest in high school)

Cancer and Libra could have certain difficulties in harmonizing sexually. Great fulfillment is questionable.

Leos, on the other hand, need only let their heart speak - and Libras will show them the true art of love. Dreamlike prospects. (Todd)

The reserved Virgos probably block the Libra's seduction skills. All the Virgos would have to do is get out of their way. (Mistress DM & Honey)

Color Quiz

I took the are the results:

Your Existing Situation
Active, but feels that insufficient progress or reward is being made for the effort exerted

Your Stress Sources
The existing situation is disagreeable. Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the rank and file. Her control of her sensual instincts restricts her ability to give herself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and allow herself to merge with another. This disturbs her. as such instincts are regarded as weaknesses to be overcome; she feels that only by continued self-restraint can she hope to maintain her attitude of individual superiority. Wants to be loved or admired for herself alone; needs attention, recognition, and the esteem of others.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Willing to become emotionally involved, but demanding and particular in her choice of a partner and in her relations with those close to her. Needs reassurance and is careful to avoid open conflict since this might reduce her prospects of realizing her hopes. Circumstances are forcing her to compromise, to restrain her demands and hopes, and to forgo for the time being some of the things she wants.

Your Desired Objective
Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feeling into which she can blend. Responsive to anything esthetic and tasteful.

Your Actual Problem
Wants to be valued and respected, and seeks this from a close and peaceful association of mutual esteem.

Your Actual Problem #2
Needs to achieve a stable and peaceful condition, enabling her to free herself of the worry that she may be prevented from achieving all the things she wants.




"As you give, so it shall be given to you. If you give with judgment, limitation and stinginess, that is what you will create in your life. If you radiate love and compassion, you do receive it."
— Gary Zukav

I believe in that so much. You create your own reality basically. If you lie to yourself then your life will be full of lies. If you lie to others, things will not happen in your life. Karma...:)

Also found this quote......"Creation has three layers: the labor, the craft and the elevation. She who works with only her hands is the laborer; she who works with her hands and her head is a craftswoman; she who works with her hands, her head and her heart is an artist." — Sarah Ban Breathnach

I think artist do work with hands, head and heart. You put everything into a work of art.


all over the place

Written Monday 11/19...

Sir Nick....
I have not heard from him in a week tomorrow. So of course I get a little worried when that happens. But patience is a lesson I am learning LOL I wrote a REALLY long email the other night after I got off the phone with Ray. It was a good email just rambling thoughts and feelings.

I think about how he affects me right now and we do not have as much contact as we did and it amazes me. I wonder how it will be in person.....when I touch him and look into his eyes and kneel before him giving him all.

Work today was busy and that surprises me for 2 reasons it is a Monday and it is slow on Monday's and because it is a holiday week and it usually is slow the week of a holiday.

Horoscope for today:
Your emotional baggage weights the odds against you. That was then, this is now, and a new story is already in progress. Increase your effectiveness by determining what your new role will be.

Tuesday....writing right now:)

I just talked to my wonderful Sir :) He and I had been missing each other online today, so he called me. We chatted for a long time before I asked about the assignment. I actually forgot because I was just excited to be hearing his voice that I forgot to ask lol. So when I did, he said he had been waiting for me to. He enjoyed the assignment and was pleasantly surprised it was so long. It was so nice just to talk him. To hear his voice.

At the moment my mind is kind of spinning with thoughts of him. And I feel so much....fear, gratitude, respect, caring, passion, desire, and so much more.

I told him something that was kind of stupid that I did recently and he handled it very well...and no lecture. Probably because of the out come. The out come of what I did was a positive…turning around that stupid thing. It showed me where my feeling really were...and they were in a very good place...they were gone. And that is important in this situation.

I am leaving to go my sister's for Thanksgiving on Thursday morning. And am going to be gone until Tuesday. It will be good to see my family. My parents and other sister will be there. I am doing wash and going to start packing tonight. Not like when I packed for Germany. I was packing the morning I left. lol

Wow I can't believe how much is going through my mind that I am censoring right now. That bothers me and going to try to figure out how to get through that.

I care for Nick and want so much for things to work out but I also go through my normal insecurities still of doubts and I know that is so much because of past relationships. And that is not good. I am not sure how to resolve some of those things. Because when I talk to him on the phone all I want is to just talk and laugh and have the good times I always seem to have with him.

Maybe it is just because I am pmsing -- that my emotions are all over the place.

I want to write more but going to publish and try to just write without thinking lol....


Friday, November 16, 2001


Well it is a little after midnight and I just got home. I have been running around all day with work, errands, and just going out with friends. I probably pushed a little to hard today and will need to take it easy tomorrow.

I am very tired and need to write Sir Nick my good night email:)

Questions...I am going to answer some questions each week....some serious...some not......

This week's questions....

1. What book are you reading now? The Forgetting Room
2. What's on your mousepad? My mousepad is leather of course:)
3. Favorite sound? Children laughing, His voice, and of course throwing in something for the kink side.....crack of a whip, thud of a flogger, click of a lock, clinking of chains :) just a few things :)
4. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Yes I do....all of them have had meaning. Ivan when I first came to Cleveland....given to me by my ex husband and has special meaning. Then Ellington...Jackie gave me Ellington. And now Oliver...Kam gave me Oliver for my Birthday.
5. Storms: cool or scary? scary

More comments...The book I am reading now....the forgetting room was given to me by Todd the first day I met him. I also have Illusions by Richard Bach started and bought The Alchemists by Paulo Coehlo last week.

Favorite Sound...I put children laughing because tonight I heard children laughing. Not just a little laugh that giggle. And it made me smile. His voice of course I should see my face when he calls. The last time he called I was just so happy to hear his voice I burst into tears lol He always handles that so well, the tears. I let them go with him even more easily then I did with Todd. I remember once with Todd. Weird that sprang to mind right now. We had disagreement after disagreement the day before. I remember I am sure scaring Kam to no end....we got in the car. I did not have my cell with me and I called Todd to say can we meet. And as soon as I hung up I started crying so hard...sobbing uncontrollably and Kam asked what Todd did to me and I said nothing at that time...and said that I was screwing up and felt as though I was going to lose the best thing in my life. The next night Todd and I got together. And he had told me we would spend the night together but after we talked he said he had to leave. And I was so in little girl mode and I was saying no and kicking my legs on the bed saying no do not leave me and he kissed me on the head and walked out. Well, from where the door was at in relationship to the bed...I could not see the door. I just heard it slam. I heard it slam and it was like my world shattered. I sobbed. I cried and cried and cried. And finally I was really cold and needed a tissue so got up and turned around to go back to bed...and Todd was sitting on the couch right inside the door. He sat there and listened to me cry like that and did not comfort me. One of my big things...that has happened in the past is men in my life not being able to handle any crying. Jim would walk out of the room and pretend I wasn't. (which is making me think of a time I went into shock with Jim and he was annoyed ugghh men) And someone else in my life who was important also walked out when I cried lots. Anyway it hurt a lot to know that he had been sitting there listening and did not come comfort me. When I later told my close friends about it, none of us could figure out why he did that. *shrugs*

Storms are scary to me because of my past when I was little girl. And it gets better over the years.

Sitting here thinking about something that I am not going to write about *smiles* But it is weird how things happen right after I share with someone that it is going to.

BTW I never mentioned this on Tuesday or Wednesday. I had been very worried about something Di was going through and it worked out. :) Still some hard time ahead but she deserves to be happy.


fevers make you do strange things

Music: very softly playing…..Tara MacLean ~ Passenger

I have been sick all day today. I am up at the moment to see if I can eat some toast so that I can take some migraine medicine, as it is coming on strong. I have the sliding glass door open since I am burning up. Not good....I know. But at least I stopped throwing lol

I have so much to do today also and that sucks.

I did the assignment Sir Nick assigned and got it done by the deadline and also 8 pages more then he told me to do. It is RARE occasion when I get a direct order. Most of the time it is Sir Nick steering me in the direction he wants me to go or knows I should go. I am not sure if he liked what I wrote yet or not. I have not heard from him. Not a huge surprise...*sigh* one of my lessens in patience.....which being sick today has taken away my patience.

I just want to be in his arms and safe and go to sleep. And sleep for a long time. I mean it is 4:20am and I am up and sick…what is wrong with this picture? lol

Moni and I have not had quality time lately and I am really starting to feel it. I miss her LOTS! I actually was thinking of a girl’s night out at my place so that they can all go through my stuff. But the night was thinking is being taken by a Christmas Party for work industry people. And those parties are always fun :) I am crossing my fingers it is not the same night as one of the BDSM organizations Christmas Party. Not sure if we will go to that though. As I have mentioned here before. BDSM community and I are different. Strangely enough there are a lot of quiet extreme people out there they are just nervous to be speaking up and say so. I know several people in both organizations that want relationships like I do but do not say it outloud.

I was looking at airfares to Kansas tonight because I noticed on an ad that they said $125. I found one I like... not too long of flight for $129 and so no debating whether to go there or not again. I had decided no but with that good of rate not sure I should pass that up especially since my sister won't be coming home for Christmas. And then I would be able to see Jim's parents. Yes, I am friends with them. Not with him anymore but his parents. It would be cool if they could get my dog while I am there but I will not press that issue because I do not want to cause them stress. It was pretty stressful last time.

I mentioned a friend I had lost touch was....back in my life...his name in the blogger will be Ray. Well, he and I had a conversation tonight that kind of shocked more ways then one. It was not bad though. He was in a sullen mood tonight...maybe not the word. He is he words things...and says things to me. Strangely I trust him because of what he has done to me in the past. He is being very patient right now. I know he would like to talk about certain things and I just do not want to go there yet lol He is a fun and nice man. I am glad we are chatting again. It is good to have a friend I can talk to about men in my life -- past and present. And of course he gave me the suggestion that he be the one to pick a Master for me lol I said how would you do that and his ways would be pretty good lol But I am already Sir Nick's.

It is so odd to me at times that I have never met Sir Nick and I feel like his in so many ways. I hope that it comes together this nicely in real life. It is getting harder to be without contact because I want to do little things to fight or not even sure the word for the other thing....

The other day I told Sir Nick that my computer was locking up so that if I got booted I would be right back. Well, I told him that because my fear was that he would be gone when I got back if I got booted, because it is a rare occasion when I get to talk to him so I did not want to miss out. My computer then started acting okay and I told him. He said reboot as soon as I told him that. And my fear was that he would be gone when I got back. I wanted SOO badly to just shut aol down and yahoo and then restart it. But I couldn't. I couldn't do it because he told me to reboot and if I did not do what he said it would be wrong. I was a little panicked he would not be there...but he was. I rebooted. But that I thought about not rebooting disturbed me GREATLY. Because I have never had thoughts like that with him.

My horoscope for Thursday Nov 15th....

You give until it hurts, but your threshold is much lower than usual. Libra may feel insecure about the next meal or paycheck. The Scorpio Moon shows you the limits -- how you enforce them is your business.

"Masochism is the externalization of an internal struggle for control." Someone posted that on a list I am on....I am still thinking about it.

Thinking of Thursday’s events….fevers make you do strange things lol....

Going back to bed....


Wednesday, November 14, 2001

makes me feel alive

Music: Enrique Iglesias ~ Escape, Janet Jackie ~ All of you

I react to people. I am not sure...but it is at a reflection for people. I think the more I get to know a person though that stops and I don’t understand why it does that.

I am changing and growing because of Sir Nick's strength and confidence. He is reflecting those on me..and feels like it makes me stronger. I am not sure that I am more confident but that is because I think he is being confident for me. When I was with Todd, inside he was a person who did not know what he wanted. He pretended to be things he wasn't and was not honest with himself and because of that I felt lost...and I started lying to myself because I would not "see" that he was an illusion and let go. It was like I felt as if I was falling....but caught on to something....gripping on and trying to claw my way back. My hands and arms are being cut but if I would only let go the ledge would be there. I did not see that with him. I did not see if I let go of him I would have been safe.

I noticed I do that with people lots though. Not sure it is a good thing or bad. I guess both.

I stopped writing this about 1:30pm today. When Sir Nick signed on and we chatted for a while. It is now later and I have talked to Sir Nick one more time. I shared a dream I had about him. He said he needed to write that one down. He then did something he has not done in a long time...he gave me an assignment. He even put a deadline on it.

I am kind of surprised and not sure why......

Song playing right now.....Love To See You Cry by Enrique Iglesias

the lyrics...interesting:)

Come on
Maybe I just wanna touch you
Feel you warm in side again
Maybe I just wanna hurt you
The sweetest pleasure is pain

I don’t know why – why
But I love to see you cry
I don’t know why -- why
It just makes me feel alive

Are you coming… to the moment
When you know your heart can break
I’m inside you. I’m around you
I just want to hear you cry again

I don’t know why – why
But I love to see you cry
I don’t know why -- why
It just makes me feel alive
I don’t know why – why
But I love to see you cry
I don’t know why -- why
It just makes me feel alive

You don’t know how much it hurts
when you fall asleep in my arms,
and if this dies before the morning comes
I want to runaway
I want to runaway

I don’t know why
I don’t know why
I don’t know why
I don’t know why

I don’t know why – why
But I love to see you cry
I don’t know why -- why
It just makes me feel alive
I don’t know why – why
But I love to see you cry
I don’t know why -- why
It just makes me feel alive

I am not scared of crying in front of Sir Nick because it will mean means I have let him in more. I hope it makes him feel tears. Strange huh?


Tuesday, November 13, 2001

After midnight

Turn Off The Light ~ Nelly Furtado

It’s getting so lonely inside this bed
Don’t know if I should lick my wounds or say 'woe is me' instead
And there’s an aching inside my head
It’s telling me you're better off alone

After midnight
Morning will come
And the day will see
If you will get some

They say that girl ya know she act too tough tough tough
Well it’s 'til I turn off the light, turn off the light
They say that girl you know she act so rough rough rough
Well it’s 'til I turn off the light, turn off the light
And I say follow me follow me follow me down down down down
'Til you see all my dreams
Not everything in this magical world is quite what it seems

I looked above the other day
Cuz I think I’m good and ready for a change
I live my life by the moon (by the moon)
If it’s high play it low, if it’s harvest go slow and if it’s full, then go

But after midnight
Morning will come
And the day will see, yeah
If you’re gonna get some


I’m searching for things that I just cannot see
Why don’t you don’t you don’t you come and be with me
I pretend to be cool with me, want to believe
That I can do it on my own without my heart on my sleeve

I’m running, I’m running, catch up with me life
Where is the love that I’m looking to find
It’s all in me, can’t you see
Why can't you, why can’t you see it’s all in me

Where is your logic (turn off the light, turn off the light)
Who do you need (turn off the light, turn off the light)

And I say follow me follow me follow me down down down
'Til you see all my dreams
Not everything in this magical world is quite what it seems

Follow me follow me down down down down
I do not need I do not need nobody (turn off the light, turn off the light)

Follow me follow me follow me down down down
'Til you see all my dreams
Follow me follow me follow me down down down
'Til you see all my dreams

Where is your logic
Who do you need
Where can you turn

Scared of you

Music: Nelly Furtado ~ Whoa Nelly

I chatted with Sir Nick online today. It was interrupted a few times so it was not a smooth line of conversation where I could ask him the million questions I have rolling around in my head.

I am having lots of self-image problems right now. I hear people in my head that I should not be hearing. Because they slow me down. I have several people attracted to me....want to date or own me. And yet I feel unattractive.

Probably why I crave feel that contact....because it is an acceptance to me.

I just wrote a long rambling letter to Sir Nick. I write him every night. It is usually within 40 mins of going to bed. I have went without writing before only to wake up in the middle of the night remember and sometimes I have tried to just go back to bed as I knew Sir Nick would not mind. He would rather have me get some sleep. But it is impossible I have to get up and write him lol I rambled on and on about "Sir" and Todd. Some things with self-image with them.

I had dreams of her last night....I had dreams of my body over hers looking into her eyes. Touching her face...moving the soft curls from her face. Seeing her nervousness and kissing her gently. I do not understand why I am dreaming of her so much. Dreaming of Jackie. :(

Last year at this time though was when I really gave her my heart completely. I remember talking to Honey about my love for Honey and she looked at me kind of shocked....because she thought I was talking about Jackie and then realized I was talking about her. She said you should read your words in your journal about Jackie you were in love with her. I said no I love her but not in love. But I believe I was in love with her.

Ugggh not sure what to do with those feelings.....thoughts about her.

I have real player open...and have it on one of it screens that called the nebula. I am just staring into it as Nelly Furtado is playing. Song playing right now called Scared of you.

I think it is time for bed lol

good night...

peace & serenity,

artist dips his brush

"Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures." ~ Henry Ward Beecher

SM and submission - the same?

Music: Michelle Branch ~ Spirit Room

Written by Jack Rinella - "A recent question illustrates my point. “I seriously believe that I am a potential slave, and I seriously believe that I am not a masochist. I've enjoyed mild SM, and can envision pushing my limits (how far???) in the context of a committed relationship, but am I being naive to see myself as a slave if I am not a masochist, Sir?”

This reader assumes that submission and masochism go hand in hand when in fact they are two completely separate concepts. There are lots of masochists who are in no way submissive and I’m sure there are plenty of subs who don’t enjoy pain for its own sake. Unfortunately our use of language doesn’t at all make that clear.

This abuse of vocabulary is probably one of the most difficult of problems our community suffers. The fact that we have so obstructed our communications make negotiations much more difficult.

The problem isn’t limited to words. I’ve noticed, for instance, how many people have decided that they are free to where a slave collar just because they want to. Ok, saying this make me sound like a hard-ass son of bitch, but I believe that collars indicate a present and real relationship and that to wear one when that relationship is not present is to communicate a meaning that is not true.

It is no different than stealing someone’s club badge and wearing it so that people think you are a member of that club. Just because you think it ’s hot or stylish or makes you look good doesn’t justify the false communication. There are other ways to clearly signal one’s aspirations without creating a false impression.

I make a strong distinction between protocols and values. Protocols are a way of expressing values but they are not values in and of themselves. It is here that we can best understand the “Old Guard.”

What made the Old Guard special was not any one set of protocols, as protocols vary greatly according to personal taste, geography, and history. Values, on the other hand, were and should be much more pervasive and commonly accepted.

Whereas there are many ways to show respect, and how one does show may be highly individualized, what is important is not the method but the fact that it is shown. I guess this is my big beef. What makes our community strong are the values that we share. Those values transcend gender, relationship, fetish, and orientation.

Honesty is honesty, just as trustworthiness, self-respect, courtesy, patience, individuality, care, and deference are what they are. To teach newbies our techniques and our rituals without passing on to them our values does nothing to preserve or enhance our lifestyle or our scene.

To use language indiscriminately communicates nothing, since the transfer of meaning is at the heart of good communication. If the meaning is lost, or worse if the meaning is purposely distorted, then the heart of our community is injured, if only in a single individual. Over time, the slide into sloppy language and too casual signaling will reduce our community to Babel and we, like those of ancient days, will disperse in confusion."

This is from his weekly column. Jack Rinella is a Gay Leatherman writes articles, which I relate too. Some of his stuff I don't but then there are some that I have saved and will never let go of. The free weekly column of serious leather sex information and advice. To subscribe go to

This one I agree with because it has bothered me for a while.....I have gone to local fetish parties and it seems that so many wear a collar just to wear it. It is like a piece of jewelry to them. And hey it is their right but it also make me feel annoyed because I know the feeling of earning the right to wear a collar. To be owned. To serve and please my Master. And I guess I feel it "lessens" the meaning of it. Not to me. But when you are owned and collared there is a pride of wearing that collar and serving your Master. And because Joe Blow thinks it looks good with his outfit and wears it I think lessens the meaning to those looking in. So now the next question is what does it matter if what anyone thinks as long as you know it.

Well, I think it diminishes the views for anyone new coming into the scene and those looking in from the outside. They see Joe Blow wearing it and might assume he owned and collared when he is not. Maybe they see a slave who is owned but Joe Blow was not owned so they hit on that makes confusion in our community. That confusion creates a lack of respect in a way.

Craving to touch…

I am feeling sexual, but not. I am feeling sexual but not feeling satiated. But the thing that I feel I need to satiate me I can’t have at this time. I do not really even want pain. My skin feels very sensitive it almost hurts to touch. I think because it aches for touch…human contact….but more then that.

I want to feel skin next to my skin…..I want to have my fingers trail over his arms, back…all of him. I want to touch. I want that intimate touch. I want to look into his eyes and I want to feel his breath against my skin as his body presses against mine. I do not want just sex. I want something deeper.

I need to touch HIM....I miss HIM.

Part of me feels like I am missing too.....


Monday, November 12, 2001

the fight is sometimes necessary

Music: Garbage ~ Beautiful

A friend I have had probably for about 2 years...I lost touch with and we just started chatting again. Anyway, he said before he had to sign off tonight that he wanted to chat with me sometime about my submission. He said, "I don't think that you serve to your fullest by just giving up total control... not making choices all that shit like a fucking robot... a true slave is creating strives to do whatever it takes to please anticipates"

When he and I played online and the phone, knowing that is all it would be, he would humiliate me. I know that I have said before BDSM is the kinky stuff - the stuff that turns on a Top and bottom on. And humiliation is part of that. I also believe humiliation can be done in D/s as part of breaking the submissive down - strip them of will and pride.

D/s to me is the emotional spiritual bond between a Dominant and submissive. It is the serving and pleasing. It is the power exchange.

Sir Nick has not given me orders. He compels me to submit. It is amazing how it works. It annoys me at times too that I just submit so easily with him. We will be having a conversation and he will ask me to explain something that maybe embarrasses me and he doe snot say you must tell me he just sits there and says does that fly with me. Or says nothing at all. And I submit. I also so many times just give him the information before we have to go through that silence. I can't believe how much that happens actually and that is submitting to me and he is not giving me a single order. He just compels me to submit. I know he wants me to be accurate in what I say. He wants me to be specific and so I do not make him wait for explanations (not that much still have a little hesitation at times).

I do things in my life because I know it will make him happy. I know that he like that I am working on certain things because it will make me a better person which in turn will make me a better slave to my Master.

With this friend when he and I played online/phone. He had to take it from me. I would not *admit* or *submit* without a fight. Because of the guilt - or then feeling responsible. If I admitted the things he wanted to me right away without a fight then I was that thing. And I could not admit that I was what he said. And one simple reason....he is someone I know online and will never meet real life. I will not submit like that - easily without seeing eyes. And I will probably fight but it will be different....I need aftercare especially if I were to do just give it up easily.

Also the fight is sometimes necessary to get my walls broken down. Sir Nick on the other hand seems to take a piece of the wall while I am not even aware of it lol And then when he points it out he shows me how *I* did it. That maybe he helped or guided or was there to support me but that I was the one that did it really.

Pretty amazing...

No wonder I want to submit to him....

Probably more I want to write on this subject but tired. I think I am getting Di's cold.

I am saying a prayer for Di tonight..sending her positive thoughts tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to be a hard day for her.

Good night...


horoscope for Nov. 12th

Music: Garbage ~ Beautiful

From my horoscope for Nov. 12th.....

Seduction implies that mutual consent has yet to be reached. This time, however, the volunteers are lined up and waiting. When the Moon is in Libra, you notice much more synchronicity than usual.

8 boxes

Music: Enrique Iglesias ~ Escape

I am really tired and have a few things I need to do today. It is one of those tired feelings that I know that if I had to get into a car to drive I would not make it far without falling asleep. When I was with Todd that would happen frequently to me, almost falling asleep at the wheel. I had really not had that happen before. But today I feel that could happen if I had needed to drive.

I seem to be slipping the last few weeks on keeping up with things. I thought I was starting to get a handle on it and then it just fell away again. I have like 5 people I have been wanting to write emails to and just not finding the brain power to do being Lisa, and then Laz and aydeen. I need to write Jackie too. I have an email started to Sir Rob also.

Weekend happenings....


Friday - worked, worked, and worked lol I did go shopping while I was waiting on some work things. I bought a new blouse that wraps around in the front and will show off my cleavage very nicely lol It is in like a bluish-grey metallic kind of lol Anyway if I go to the Carpe Diem Christmas party I thought I would wear that with my black skirt.

Friday night I thought lots of last year this time. Jackie was here and it was the informal. Kam was out side talking to Di. Jackie and I were sitting with SJ listening to the people sing. Jackie looked very beautiful that night. She was wearing black velvet jeans and a baby blue soft sweater. She was so beautiful. And I wanted her so much. I wanted to kiss her and touch her. I wanted to hold her close….

We did kiss there. There was a table next to ours of like 3 boys and a girl. The one boy wanted Jackie’s number.

When we got home, we were in the bedroom changing and I just pushed her against the wall and started kissing her very deeply – passionately.


It makes me very sad to think of her. To think it all….it seems like a lie. Another illusion in my life. And she is young but that excuse only goes so far.

Saturday - worked, shopped, lunch with Di, shopping with Di, dinner with Kam, and then worked.

Sunday - worked and cleaned. I went through boxes. It is scary the things I keep. LOL I had a bottle of perfume - mostly gone - that Jim gave to me when were dating. So it is like probably hmm 15 years old. *shakes head* I threw out like 3 big boxes full of trash. I have 2 medium sized boxes full of stuff that I will give away and then whittled down like 8 boxes into 2 of things I am keeping. And I am still not done yet!

I want to write about the Anita Blake book. But not enough brain power to do that right now.

Just got done talking to Honey online. She has the flu. I hope you feel better soon sweetie!

I miss Sir Nick…..

I am tired in more ways then one. I know it will get better.....

I suppose I will get busy on the things I need to do...


Thursday, November 08, 2001

3 months

I just realized as I posted that entry that it is the 9th today. I have been chatting with Sir Nick for 3 months today :)

*kisses to HIM*


Forgetting Room

Music: Enrique Iglesias ~ Escape

The other night I did not have a book with me when I spent the night away. But I have had in my bag since the day he gave it to me....a book from Todd. He gave it to me the day we met. The way he looked at me when he slide the gift-wrapped package across the table...I will never forget. Today, Di said in an email regarding Sir Nick....that "there are things you will always remember.....always" It is true....I believe that any relationship that had deep meaning......moments that touch something inside that makes them remembered...yes remembered. The look on Todd's face when he gave me the gift was like that. The first moment I met Todd was one too. I will never forget it. It was rush of images and feelings.

Back on topic....anyway, I only had the book he gave me with me the other night and wanted something to read. It is called The Forgetting Room by Nick Bantock. He is the author of the Griffin & Sabine trilogy. So I started reading it. It is not bad so far. Not sure why every time I picked it up before I could not read it.

Basic plot.....Armon is grown up...and his grandfather dies and "he inherits the family home in Ronda, Spain and finds himself unraveling the surreal conundrum his grandfather left for him." His grandfather was an artist. And Armon seems to be drawn to his grandfather studio and his past. The Grandfather calls his studio the forgetting room....he says this is where the past is the present. When I read it, I felt this flood of feelings open up. I just shook my head and I am not even sure I can explain why I did. I know why but putting it in words...I am not sure how to do that.

Stopped writing about 11pm...Sir Nick signed on....*big smiles*

Yes, I am a Sir Nick commercial. But he is pretty fantastic. If his work would not be crazy now, things would be just as fantastic as him. Talking to him 2 times in one on the phone and once online. I am not sure how I got that lucky. He said he signed on just to torment me and he did a good job lol

I asked him something I have been meaning to ask him and bring up for a while but not really had the chance....I have been meaning to talk about......the visit. I just stopped being chicken and asked about us planning a visit. He said yes of course we could plan it. :)

We have talked of it before but never "seriously." So, now I hope we are able to. He really needs to find when is a good time in *his* schedule for me to go there or him to come here. He has always talked of coming here, as he wanted me to have a support system, as I am sure it is going to be intense. But with how his work has been I think I will probably be going there.

I am scared. I am going to have to be very careful I do not do things to sabotage us. I did not have time with Todd to sabotage everything happened so fast with him. I had enough time with Kam but it did not work. So far it is not working with Sir Nick either.

I feel so a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am still stunned that I actually heard his voice today.

But very happy I did...

I should write more about the Forgetting Room but I need some sleep. I need to write about it and also the Anita Blake book. It is turning out different.

Good night...


Phone Call

I was sitting working on something when my phone rang. I looked at the caller id and I had to take a few looks at it to make sure I was seeing it right. It was Sir Nick. He had not even had a chance to read my email from the other night yet. He just knew by the amount of time that had passed that I would be worried about him and so he called. I said hello with curious wonder in my voice because I was not all for sure it was going to be him. It felt so much like a dream. I started crying right away.

We talked for a while. It was so good to hear his voice. I had felt so lost without him.

Our conversation was good. He told me to put the brakes on what I was feeling/doing and turn back around toward him. :) He told me I needed to work on the insecurities and he is right, but said he would help me. He said guidance with my guidance. I feel with guidance I can conquer so much. I have so far. It was so good to hear him say that.

He is great....I am very lucky.


Wednesday, November 07, 2001

Hide Away

The last few days I have been thinking about lots of different things. Some I am sure I will get to if I ramble on for a while lol

I have talked to Honey a few times the last week and that has been nice. I miss her. She is going through a lot right now. And I just hope that she does what she needs to make herself happy. Because she deserves to be happy!

Sir Nick....not sure what to say about him.

It has been very hard on me not having contact with him. I understand and am proud of him for all he gives to his work. But even though I am more used to it at the same time I am not....or not that...but that I do not like it. Our first month of chatting online was pure bliss. He was thoughtful, funny, Dominant, and so much more. We would arrange to meet online and if I was not there he would worry. When I would sign on he would ask me how my day was going and cared and wanted to hear. And it was nice to have someone put energy into me that I have always put into others.

Friday will be 3 months of us knowing each other and getting to know each other online. Next week it will be 2 months of it being like this...hardly any contact I wrote an email last night and have not heard an answer from it.

I am sad and scared. I want to curl in a little ball and hide away. I want to stop all these feeling I am feeling. I want to escape.

So strange, in this moment of being very sad, I am also feeling deep feelings of submission. deep need to serve. deep need to be demure and pleasing.

There have been things happening in my life but nothing that I can think of right at this moment. I just have lots on my mind. And am wondering where my life is going right in this moment.


Tuesday, November 06, 2001

Birthday Wishes

Happy Birthday Di!

You are the greatest! I hope you have a good birthday!


Sunday, November 04, 2001

Are you mad at me?

Music: Sting ~ Dream of the Blue Turtles

Weekend Happenings....

I did quite a few things this weekend and yet it was overall a quiet relaxing weekend. It is really nice not to be working on Saturday and Sunday's anymore.

I have lots going on with emotions are really all over right now but I also understand the reasons for it. So even though I might feel all over I am not panicked like I would have been over a year ago. I know it is just a process and a phase that I will get through soon.

Weekend happenings....

Friday night after doing some work. I signed offline and felt very alone. In the past when I had that feeling I would do things that were not good for me. And it was also not good to the people in my life. Lately when it happens, just accepted it is that way and that yes I am alone right now but won't be forever. And that it is okay to be alone. But Friday night I couldn't just shrug it off or accept it...but I still did not do things I would have in the past. Also did not want to be at home. It is a mess right now and there is so many things here I need to be doing and it just overwhelmed me. I asked for help. I went to Kam and asked him if he wanted to go spend the night with me at hotel and hang out there and just veg and relax and forget about everything. So that is what we did. He ended up reading me a lot of the Anita Blake book :) It was very nice.

I have not slept in my bed for a long time. Mostly because of the nightmares I have. I need to watch TV to get to sleep now days. And so I sleep on the couch. So it was weird being in the hotel room on a bed.

Saturday morning Kam helped me run some errands. Things I seem to not have time for during the week and then we went to a late lunch. I had my favorite salad. We came home and I did some work for a while. I went out for a late dinner with a friend and we had a nice time.

Today I have to go and do a few more errands and grocery shop. We have nothing in our house. It is really pathetic lol And I need laundry detergent so I can do the mounds of laundry I have in the spare bedroom/dungeon/now laundry room lol

I am going through lots internally and I am sure some it has to be hormonal. I had been doing okay there for a while and then the last 3 days I have been in a lot of pain again. (no lectures please I have already had 2.)

Some of it is that I have been thinking about the time in my life right now what I want and things I have decided need to go to the next step. And so that always creates an emotional unbalance in me...where I feel all over the place. So I have lots of emotions going on right now and also I am very insecure. I realize it and actually have pointed it out in emails to Sir Nick...I write something and then reread it and see the insecurities and write about that...that I see them lol

Something that Sir David (someone that I have mentioned before back in August maybe July) said was that he did not mind submissive asking questions. He did not even mind if they asked more then once. He wanted them to feel secure and if it meant her asking, "Are you sure you want coffee instead of tea?" 5 times then he answered it 5 times because eventually she was going to trust that when he said yes the first time it was really what he felt and wanted.

Sir Nick seems to let me do that. But I never seem to need to ask beyond 2 times with him.

Example....if I were to see Nick with a look on his face that I interpreted to be he was mad about something. I would ask him if something was wrong. He might not be mad but that is what I felt I saw....but maybe he was just watching football and vegging. So he says no nothing is wrong. My they work...I might (I do not always do this but if my insecurities are like they have been lately) ask him "are you sure?" because in my mind maybe he is upset about something and does not want to tell me because it will upset me, maybe I did something and it is not a huge deal and he was going to let it drop, maybe he is mad about something that happened 3 days about and just does not want to talk about it, or maybe it is a million other reasons. My mind goes through all the things it could be even though it could be nothing at all. So I will ask are you sure to give him another chance to say yes something is but it not a big deal and I do not want to talk about it or no nothing is wrong. It is stupid and it wastes lots of energy but I have found even with Nick, at this point, my insecurities lessen when he says something I trust it the first time. But it takes me being allowed to ask as many times as needed to make me in that moment feel secure.

It is also a projection on my part. Because I can't answer things the first time. I have problems expressing myself. So, if that were me and someone asked me if something wrong, there might be but it might be something I did not know how to express or did not want to so I would say no nothing because I do not know how to get across to a person the other things I am feeling. So, I ask.

When I was first here, in Ohio, there was a person involved in my life that would ask me are you sure a lot and I would get so upset with her for asking. But the thing with her was that I did not want to express anything to her because I did not trust her. So I was not going to open up even if something was wrong. (Long story how she was involved with me when I did not trust her.)

Oh the joys of insecurities

I am really doing good with the attention thing. And happy about that :)

I felt the attention thing was going to sabotage Sir Nick and I as well as I have always hated that I did that. So I am glad to have a handle on that. Something else I have been kind of sabotaging myself with - with Sir Nick I started to get a handle on this week also. So I am happy about that.

So things are pretty smooth in my life right now - even with the up and downs of my emotions ....a couple of things missing at this time is finding the person I need to to help with work stuff and visiting Sir Nick.

Because of the process I am going through....I have realized that there is someone on my life I am going to hurt very badly and that has been weighing on me a lot and trying to figure out how to stop that or make it easier. *sigh*

Well, I better go and get on with my day I have several things I want to accomplish today.


Friday, November 02, 2001


Music: Loreena McKennett

I have been on this site before and as I said I am not Gorean and feel so much of it is fantasy and I prefer to live in the here and now...but this girls words - diary and articles say so much that is just makes me nod over and over again as I feel so much she does. And have MANY of the same D/s philosophies she talks of that are "Gorean."

So check out this site..... Sanctuary: a collection of musings on Gor on Earth .....I just got done reading Slavery & Safe Sex!

So many seem to play unsafe and I know how many times I have heard I am the one in charge you just do as I say...meaning risk your life so I do not have to use a condom.

Back to the site....I read it and cry. The words so many of them I feel and have not been able to express. So much inside waiting to come out....



Music: Billie Myers

"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then." ~ Charles Lutwidge Dodgson

Thursday, November 01, 2001

Narcissus in Chains

Music: Enigma

Halloween was a long day for me. But not bad.

I went to see Di. We had not seen each other in a while and I missed her. I got to see her cute and adorable little girl dressed up. Her daughter's attitude is just like Di's!! It is cute to watch. lol

Di looked better then I thought she was going to. I mean she always looks good. But I thought she would look more tired and worn out because of all that she has been going through.

I then went to dinner with someone who I have talked about here, a friend of mine that goes out with Kam and I every once in a while and might eventually maybe move in with us. I am going to give her the name Mara here. So I went to dinner with Mara and we actually had a really good conversation about D/s and then 3 somes. lol JJ had called and wanted to go to coffee, but I was by the time I got home last night so tired. So maybe I can get together with her this weekend. The friend I had dinner with a while back - the long dinner called me yesterday 2 times and we talked of getting together next week too. We need a good bitch session lol

Today I found out that Laurell K. Hamilton had a new Anita Blake Vampire Hunter book. Narcissus in Chains....wooohoo

Here is a GREAT site that tells all about the books.....Anita Blake

These books are incredible. They are entertaining and they are not so much the wordy prose that Anne Rice does....Anne Rice writes to write I believe. And do not get me wrong I like Anne Rice too. But Laurell K. Hamilton writes to entertain her readers by telling a story. A very good story :)

I love her words. I love the plot. I love the character development. I relate to things in the books but not really to one person. They are just GREAT books!

Some of her last books are even touching on D/s and BDSM. Just the part that I heard tonight it sounds like Ms. Hamilton did some research or she is submissive herself. (I do not know for a fact or just going on instinct that she is submissive not Dominant.)

Those books have special meaning to me because of Kam. He has READ them ALL to me. Even the last one and we were not Master/slave then...we were Daddy/little girl though then and Daddy's can read their little girls stories :)

He came home tonight and I asked if we could go to Barnes and Noble together because I had a surprise. It was so weird. I was in his bedroom the other night sitting on his bed and looking at his book shelves and told him that I wish there was a new Anita Blake book out and that was like Monday or Tuesday when I did that. And I found out today there is a new one :) So we went and got it.

We went to dinner and then came home....and he read to me. There are so many good lines already!

Anyway, I am enjoying this....him reading me this book. I hope that we have good times always when reading this one as we did all the rest.

This afternoon, I chatted with SM. It was a very interesting chat. We talked about lots of things in my past. Things I d not normally talk about and some that I have not even talked about with Sir Nick yet. I am able to talk to SM about some things because he is jaded inside like I am...and not sure I can explain that. It is not a bad thing. We just have that same beast inside...well opposite sides of the same coin.

We then started chatting about Sir Nick. And I went on and on. And on and on. And it actually surprised me that I chatted about Sir Nick, the man and Dominant I care for so much and want to give myself to, to another man who I have wanted to give myself to also. To quote SM...he said to be glad that I have" two people who can make you wet with desire and quake with fear within moments of each other." Sir Rob actually can do that too but it is even different. There is a vulnerableness with Sir Rob, maybe because he brings out little girl side.

Anyway, I chatted with SM about Nick and I know I went on and on and on. And I sounded like a Sir Nick commercial. But as I typed things to SM that I realized I want to be with Nick right now. Yes, I have wanted to visit for a while but I feel I should be there if that makes sense. And I also thought about how it is a "whole" relationship not just BDSM...not just D/s. I am going vanilla lol

As I typed things to SM about Sir Nick....I started to cry. I cried because I miss Nick so much and just need to be with him. I did not tell SM I was crying. I just kept typing like nothing was wrong.

I get sympathy pains for people. And I get sympathy periods for people also. I get 1 to 2 days spotting and cramping with women I am close to. I was around someone very close to me yesterday, who had her period and so last night it started. I had had this happen for years really well I had it happen with Morgan and then I really never let a woman that close to me again until I moved here. I never switched to meet her period like I heard women that live together often do and we were practically living together. And any woman I have lived with I never had moved to match theirs or they moved either but I have always felt pain and bleed for them. It has happened with Beth, Honey, Jackie, other Jackie, Mara, JJ, Di and I think maybe Mistress DM but I can't remember for sure. I find it happen with women I open myself up to...if I share anything intimate or private with them that is something very close to me then I open myself up to feel things with them and I get a sympathy period. It is weird I know it. It is a pain also lol I have to be around the person for it happen usually....except with Jackie I did not have to be around her I would have it happen even when not with her because of how I feel about her. :( Anyway I am weird lol

I miss Sir Nick....

And should send him off his nightly email and go to bed as I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be HORRIBLY long.

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