Wednesday, January 30, 2002


Music: Michelle Branch


I was busy with work for a while. Then I went out to dinner with a Domme friend that I met through Moni and Michael. We had dinner and talked and it is always nice to create friends in this lifestyle that have similar views. It was nice to hear her views and thoughts and relationships. She is good Domme. I like how she thinks.

We talked about Golden Showers tonight and I recalled my first one. It was amazing. A great moment with Kam. Golden Showers when I first became his were a soft limit. And drinking urine was hard limit. But Kam liked Golden Showers. So, he pushed the soft limit. I remember kneeling in the bathtub and I was nervous and scared. I did not know what to expect and so it started. I felt the warmth of the urine hit me and I felt these deep feelings within me soar up and I instinctively opened my mouth. I felt this deep submissive feeling of in that moment you know that if he told me to jump off the cliff I would without question. I felt the warmth hit my breasts and stomach and cunt and legs and I wanted to have my Master's taste in my mouth. So I opened my mouth. And he looked at me like are you sure you are ready for this and I nodded. And he did give me a taste. And I swallowed. It was sent me spinning and flying out in subspace.

Golden showers after that were not as intense but made me soar and also have never had the degradation feeling I thought I might feel with them.

I always have these feelings come up from deep within me that make me feel nervous at times but then calmer as I kneel there and feel that warmth hit my body.

Nice reliving those moments.

I was trying to think about what my deepest darkest thought is tonight and it is there but I can't seem to get at it. It is like my mind is even to scared to think about it.

I got to be Sherlock Holmes girl tonight. Someone told me about something going on and within 5 mins of them telling me I figured out the puzzle. I love it when it happens that way.

The other day I was online talking to a Dom that I had a lot of interest in right actually when I met Todd and so when I met Todd, I told this other Dominant about him and he said that we should still be friends. Well, I talk to him about once every 2 weeks. And he brings out the little girl in me very instinctively. I mean she see his name pop up on the screen and instantly little girl wants to come out and snuggle with Daddy. It is strange to have those feelings about someone else. Anyway 2 things with this...he told me his name the other day as I had never had it...strange as that might sound. And the name hit me it was weird. I started crying as soon as he told me. I then went on to explain to him one of my favorite movies which he had never seen.....Meet Joe Black. It is weird how much his name affected me. I am thinking of the Daddy/little girl thing because Ray asked me about it the other day. I think he was trying to understand it. The little girl inside me is about 4 years old but there is a Princess also she is I would say about 7 years old. She wants it her way right now. The little girl who is 4 years old in me....wants to snuggle with Daddy and have his protections and guidance and is actually very submissive to Daddy wanting to please him and make him happy. She wants Daddy's approval and acceptance.

Sir Nick is out of town. He said he would call me tomorrow night. That means a lot to me. I was talking to the Domme friend tonight about trust. That I feel at times Sir Nick has done things to go out of his way to show me I can trust him. Someone else told me that Nick is bending to me and I told them no...he is trying to nurture belief in him to chase away my that I can rely on my instinct of trusting him. I was thinking today about he says what he means and means what he says and always has...that if I have doubts they are because of my fears and looking for ghosts that are really not there...looking for red flags so I look and look until I have put myself into a worry about something and then write him of my concerns. He always handles it very calmly.

Stupid thing is now I am worrying that all these things that I have tried to do to sabotage this....will push him away. But then I think back and see that he just addresses and it is almost like "See you did not drive me away and are not going too." Like he is trying to prove to that self I have buried inside that is scared that I can be okay in this relationship....I can trust him.

Well, I have 2 other things I need to do and it is already 1am. My stomach started acting up tonight so I had to stop them earlier to just kind of veg.


Nice to Meet You - NOT

I am writing because I am frustrated at the moment....because it is still in the air today.....

Last night Kam and I were eating dinner and the land line phone rang, but since we were eating I did not answer. And then the work phone rang. Well, Kam answered it and it was someone asking for me....and I could hear the voice as he talked. And knew it was Sir Nick. Kam asked who it was...and as Nick said it was him I said it is Nick. Needless to say it did not make my night go smoothly (and now my morning)...having Kam talk to Nick even for a brief moment. So, last night pretty much sucked and it looks like it is going over into today and that is annoying me a lot.

Today so far has been busy. I went to bed at 5:30am. And up at 10am this morning. I know I need to start getting on a better sleeping pattern - right now things just seem a little chaotic. And probably because of my sleeping pattern.

I feel like there is lots I should be writing about but.....can't get out which seems to be my usual lately.


Monday, January 28, 2002


Music: Batman Forever Soundtrack

Last night I got to talk to Nick and we had a good talk. He told me I worry to much. I do...but so far Nick has done everything right that makes me let go each time more and more. Where I put faith and trust in him more and more.....and let go. He is my Dominant and I want to please him. And Sir Nick does not expect anything but me to do my best. I can do that....:)

We had a good talk last night and I miss him. He is going out of town this week. And I will be out of town this weekend so it will be Tuesday probably before I get to chat with him.

This week I am very busy...I have something going on almost every night of the week. is a site that I have been reading on and off for a couple of week.

There is a daily meditation plan that I read the other day and I believe I want to start doing.

I am posting it here to talk about it....

Your Daily Practice - Morning

Each day is a new beginning. Your task today is to learn the practice of consciously entering your body and your day. Begin by focusing attention on your entire day from morning to evening.

Review your plans for today:

Think about where you need to be and with whom you need to be.
Do you feel stressful about this day or do you feel comfortable?
Do you feel prepared for today's events?
Are you projecting fears and expectations into this day?

Your First Chakra
Allow the truth 'All is One' to penetrate your body
Drop your attention to the root of your spine.
Feel yourself magnetically connected to every part of life:
the fragrance of the earth
the oceans and rivers
the air
your family and friends
the planet
Identify your fears for today and pull them into your consciousness.
Acknowledge the strength of the energetic circuitry connecting you to all life.
Visualize that strength replacing your fears for today.
Standing tall.

Your Second Chakra
Allow the truth 'Honor One Another' to penetrate your body.
Move your attention gradually up your spine to your lower back, hips and genital area.
Feel the fire and vibrant energy of this area.
Focus that energy toward the key areas of this chakra:
Relationships: Who am I going to be with today?
Work: What am I going to do today?
Money: How do I feel about it today?
Creativity: What am I going to create today?

Your Third Chakra
Allow the truth 'Honor Yourself' to penetrate your body.
Breathe deeply as you shift your attention to your solar plexus and abdominal area.
Focus on your self-esteem and how you feel about yourself today:
Am I feeling strong? Frightened?
Do I need someone's approval today?
Will I need to be courageous?
Remind yourself of your boundaries, dignity, inherent honor, and integrity
Make a spiritual promise in terms of how you want to live your life today

Your Fourth Chakra
Allow the truth 'Love is Divine Power' to penetrate your body.
Raise your attention up to your heart, the center of love.
Welcome the people you're scheduled to meet today into your meditation:
Where you feel love for them, send more, boundless love.
For those you feel challenged to love, say the prayer , "Let me learn more about how to love them today."
Think about who you need to forgive today; release the rage, bitterness or hurt feelings from your heart.
Tell yourself "Forgiveness is not easy, but today I ask for one more step toward that goal."
Release the prayer that you want to look at today through your heart and not through your fears; that you want to feel gratitude for events that do or don't happen as they should.
Keep your attention on the right way to walk into this day, with a heart full of love.

Your Fifth Chakra
Allow the truth 'Surrender Personal Will to Divine Will' to penetrate your body.
Move your attention to your throat area.
Define your needs and desires for today and let go of doing the same for others.
Make the choice to love this day instead of fearing it.
Envision choices that result in positive attitudes, memories, and feelings about yourself.
Vow to express yourself honestly.

Your Sixth Chakra
Allow 'Seek Only Truth' to penetrate your body
Focus your attention upwards to your mind - the world behind your eyes.
Go beyond the limits of the rational mind and accept the Divine's Plan for you.
Prepare your mind to enter the day feeling good and not generating illusions, false truths or fears.
For today, release old grudges, beliefs, attitudes and patterns that no longer serve you.
Remember that everything in your life is there for a reason and to teach you truth.

Your Seventh Chakra
Allow the truth 'Live in the Present Moment' to penetrate your body.
Pull your attention up and out, and hold the idea 'live in present time.'
Let go of the past and do not anticipate the future.
During the day, practice the discipline of telling yourself, "This is all I have. This is all there is to my life right now."
Invoke this prayer:
I am committed to feeling a bond with each person I meet, to respecting my own integrity and honor, to living within the energy of love and compassion and returning to that energy when I don't feel it, to making wise and blessed choices with my will, to maintaining perceptions of wisdom and non-judgment, to release the need to know why things happen as they do, and not to project expectations over how I want this day to be and how I want others to be. And finally, my last prayer, 'to trust the Divine'. And with that I bless my day with gratitude and love.

I was talking to Kam tonight about how mental and emotional things work for me. The new age things such as stones and crystals don't I do not get comfort in them and if you don't believe in them they won't work anyway. I believe in mental things...such as I do an exercise (sometimes - not enough) where I picture a sphere around me - that protects me. And that mental exercise allows me to release a lot of baggage but also protects me from outside things that might hurt me and stress me. If someone handed me a crystal and said it will do the same thing. I am not really there enough to believe it. I am person that thinks and feels with my heart and soul so doing mental and emotional exercises work much better with me.

I got in a fight with Ray last night. I felt like he was telling me I was not submissive. What he was saying to me made me feel very bad about myself as a submissive. It is so strange because I was talking to a good friend today and she said she needed to let go of the doubts and the things he was saying was making me doubt myself. I was chatting with another friend at the time and ended up pretty much ignoring him and I felt very bad about that. I kept trying to just let what he was saying as him pushing to show me something but it felt like he was pushing to piss me off and put me down. So I finally could not take it any more and said "fuck...." and it did not go good from there.

We have discussed this many times...the issue and then he wants me to push through things but does not understand that some things are not good to push through when I don't have the support to deal with that here.

So it was an intense morning before I went to bed....

I then worked some today but it was kind of slow. I am hoping it picks up the rest of the week. I am wide awake right now and it is 12:25....ugghhh....

My mind is spinning on lots of things.....wish I was with Nick.


Sunday, January 27, 2002

In the Group

Well, last night was a good night and a so so night for various reasons.

Good night is because I went to a BDSM meeting that I had not been to in a while and saw some people that I have not seen in a while. And got to see Moni again 2 times in one week! :)

A lot of the comments made were good comments. I just have a hard time sitting at times in situations like that because I hear lots of good things but when the meeting is over and we all are in little groups what you hear is so different.

I brought the point up that Mistress DM had pointed out to me a few weeks ago about it is not my will that is stopping me from submitting. It is ego and pride and things like that. That my authentic self ends up letting my will I am submissive. I have come to find out today that my comments helped a good friend of mine and I am glad I said what I did.

I want to get back into hanging out with Moni and a few others in the group. It felt good to be around friends!

My mind spins out of control. I was talking to friends last night about it. I got to bed early and get up pretty early and I go to bed late basically because I can't get my mind to slow down and I feel I am going to miss something. One girl there suggested yoga to help with meditation that would slow me down internally....which makes sense.

I feeling lots of things.....just not sure how to put them in words......


Thursday, January 24, 2002


I am not sure what to write tonight.

I wrote a post on will last night on one yahoogroup and it spawned a conversation on slaves and needs. One person had that view of the only need a slave has is of that to please and serve her Master. I am sorry when I read that I roll my eyes, because I want to say what planet do you live on. We are humans and need things. I need to submit but I also need trust and caring in my relationships too...along with other things. If my trust is broken, it is not easy to serve. And it always just amazes me when submissives say oh your only need is serving and pleasing.

Someone used the car analogy only said basically that a car can't talk or leave so neither can a slave. My analogy is a car will start making noise if the Owner is not putting oil in it on a regular basis and not getting it tuned up. It will stop running eventually if it is neglected. And same with a slave.

I had dinner with Moni...the last time we had lunch/dinner was in August. So it was LONG overdue. We had a nice time and I missed her so much so I am glad that we had that time together. After that I went shopping since I was not far from Gabe's. My favorite favorite bra they had there not in my size one size up but I think I might take it to my seamstress and see if she can bring it down a size - the cup size fits perfect just the to big around. So that would be cool...if she can do it I might go buy the rest of them this weekend. I mean they were $25 but I got it for $6 and my off my cleavage. :)

Tonight I got home and signed online and there were several offline messages from Sir Nick! They were just the words I needed to hear. He has had something big happen at work and so he has been not able to talk to me much this week besides on the phone a few nights ago. I had wrote him a long letter yesterday so it was important to him that I know that he was not ignoring me so he left me a great long offline 2 other shorter ones. And to top it off I caught him just before he was going to log off so I had a few moments of his time then too. So I am smiling! :)

Sitting here thinking of the other things floating around in my today I cried and then laughed in a matter of minutes and how to explain the whole situation that went on.

not sure i am going to lol

good night...


Wednesday, January 23, 2002

Good Questions

what can a good person do and still be "good"?
is someone a friend just because they do nice/caring things for you?

Those above questions come from Mistress DM's journal but I think were probably sparked by a conversation we had.

I think they are good questions and things I have wrestled with....because I have people in my life that do things....that are nice or good and so I call them a friend or consider them to be a good person.

So now this is something I am thinking about...those questions.


Goes back to acceptance

For 3 days I have had a migraine on and off. So that has not been fun!

Last night I talked to Sir Nick on the phone.....actually 2 nights in a row. I enjoyed hearing his voice and hearing of work and a movie that he went to recently that played a part in life. It was good to feel that connection.

I asked him a hard question for me. It would have just been so much easier to chat about it online but I know him to know those type of topics I really should ask him on the phone because it is what he want and prefers.

Our conversation was somewhat about me making my own decisions. Sir Nick basic thing is I have a brain and need to use it. It is not that he does not think I do not use it. He just at this time views things as I am here and I need to make this decision for myself - what is right for me. If I was there though he still would probably make me make some decisions.

I have been mulling something over for a long time actually. But asked him about it last night….I run the business but I also work in the business. And that has been causing me some stress as I want to please him and I know his views.....and so I have made some changes and not worked at much as I had been. Well, right now the opportunity has come up where I could be working more and I thought about it and part of me wants to and the other part of me doesn't because of him. So, I am not sure what to do...

And his words where on do what is right for me. Which was not the answer I was wanting and he knew it right away. But he basically told me he wants me to make this decision myself. And that even if I was there and his 24/7 in control he would probably still make me make *this* decision on my own. Because I needed to do what felt good and right to me. It would have been easier for him to just make the decision but I understand why he is making me make this one.

Well, then today I chatted with someone else that got my mind a turning more on the subject and so then I had to write a HUGE long letter to Sir Nick and I am sure we will have another conversation about this again tonight or soon.

Now, I am okay with him not making the decision but some of his reasons behind not making it have brought up some concerns.

Goes back to acceptance.

I am who I am and even if I do not do the job I have now forever it still is a part of me that I enjoy right now. So I need acceptance with it.

People in my life have had all sorts of varying views on it. A couple it created jealousy, others felt it was “wrong” - because of society and actually one person thought it did me a lot of good. He actually encourage me to work - especially after Todd broke up with me. Anyway, it does come down to an acceptance thing for me.

As someone said to me today - Acceptance is at the heart of what drives me. That is true.

Ray and this other friend both right away asked me why I had not updated my journal. I believe both know that at times I just hold back and have problems getting things out so I don't write.

I was just sitting here thinking of Nick. He is awesome. He signed on just to tell me he had something come up at work and so we would not be able to chat. And I told him that I had sent him a long letter. He said he would read it later and we would discuss it tomorrow.

I go through my times wondering if I am really submissive. If it is in me but then I look at some things in my life and realize I am very submissive I fight it. I fight it a lot. And that makes me wonder why? Because when I submit I like the feeling. It feels so good. So why would I not want to submit always?

Well, going to go read and write a couple posts to some email groups.....


Sunday, January 20, 2002

Happy or Unhappy?

Music: Sixpence, Innocence Mission, and Tori Amos

At the moment I am really frustrated because of a conversation I had with Mistress DM. She was insisting in our conversation that I was in denial about things that happened last year. I was offending her by being in denial. And I look back at things last year and remember Jan and Feb I was REALLY happy. She does not remember it that way.

We had just started the business. It was going good and I was happy doing all the work I was doing even though there was a lot.

I was doing some things in the bdsm community. I was playing with a couple different people. I was getting along relatively well with Kam because he was starting his changes too. Honey called me and wanted me come help her through some things in Germany. Which meant not only did I get to see her but I had a chance to see Jackie there. So as I see it things were good.

I was happy in the moment. I was not looking for a Master. I was just living each day of my life. I wanted things and wanted to achieve goals but was really just happy with things as they were and if they did not happen I could say at that time I was happy with my life.

There are things how I remember them and Mistress DM is saying I am not remembering them right.

I do have times in my life where I purposely forget things or re-write them in my head because I can't deal with the truth. But last year I really do remember so well because I was so happy. I mean I remember things not always going smoothly but I went home at night and felt good about myself.

It was not until I was in Germany that things got kind of f*cked up.

She told me I am unhappy right now and not doing anything actively to change that. I just got done reading a years worth of bloggers and I would say I have done a lot of things to actively change things in my life. I mean the business alone is a total change in my life....2 years ago I could not have seen myself in the position I control and very active in keeping it going and going forward. It is nothing like I thought I would ever *want* It is not something I planned out. It just happened and I am glad it did.

She told me I was looking for a Master who will take me a way from my unhappy life. And that is not it at all. I just feel for the next changes in my life I need some support and help. Me who does not ask for help knows I need help...I would say there is another BIG accomplishment.

Anyway I am just very frustrated right now. Oh well, life will go on lol



I just found this link....a story......



Joe Blow

I was just looking through my archives cleaning them I was doing that I got this message....

That made me decide to share some others that are just as bad....

Enjoy! LOL

JoeBlowWannaBeDom: Hello slut
me: hello
Joe: get on your fucking knees whore!
me: As it says in my profile and my website I am devoted to one
me: And btw that line is soooo old!

no other response...surprise surprise.....
Joe2: My nane is -fill in the blank - from NC/22/M and i love bound females
me: hello Joe i am danae from Ohio 34 female and very happy to be devoted to one
Joe2: so u have a master
me: yes as my profile and website say I am devoted to one
Joe2: this mean u can't chat
me: no I can chat just no cyber
Joe2: well thats cool but looking for slave with out master....
me: well good luck in your search.

Okay so this one gets to be here becsause....he finds out that I am devoted to one and then acts like he just wants to chat but when I say chat is okay then he switches and says he is just looking for someone. I really do get amused because usually as soon as I say I am devoted to one it is like okay bye. Like when you are taken your brain falls out so you can't hold a conversation lol

Joe3: hello slut
me: hello Sir
Joe3: hwo are you tonight whore?
me: fine and you?
Joe3: I'm horny at the moment
Joe3: what are you going to do about it bitch?
me: nothing as i am devoted to one

Joe4: are you busy?
me: yes i am busy
Joe4: tell me when they are done verbally abusing you, no beg me to waste my time on you
me: I am devoted to ONE and won't be begging you for anything
me: Have a good morning!

Okay not going to cut and paste this convo but explain it because it happens at least once a week. The JoeBlowWannaBeDoms that of course say they are better then Sir Nick (not knowing anything about him or me really) and that they can get in my head better and they can fuck me better or they can Domiant me better. And that I should keep their name and have a "real" Master. *rolls eyes* It gets so old. I mean if you have to say that don't they get that means that they are not really all that good. I mean that has been my experience the ones that boost the most are the ones that really don't know what they are doing.

here is a line from one of them and it is exactly as he typed it....

anotherJoe: i gaurantee non ebetter than

*rolls eyes* we all have typos but if you are going to say that at least type it right.

Joe5: pictures?
me: (gave him a link to them)
Joe5: lets see those fat tits
Joe5: and u suckin some cock
me: Those are all the pictures you will see....I am devoted to one so you do not need to see any others only he does.
Joe5: fuck him, u need a new master
me: LOL he will love this convo thank you for amusing him
Joe5: he won't know, the stupid asshole
Joe5: look, i got a nice big black cock for u to enjoy
(he tried to send me a picture but i denied download of it)

Joe6: do you like humiliation?
me: Well, I love it when the one I am devoted to does :)
Joe6: I don't give a shit about him. I just want to make you behave like the dog you are
me: Good bye

So those are some of the good one lol

I am going to go to bed finally....4:41am


Dangerous Touch

It is after 4am and I disillusioned with people I guess. I just do not feel their are many people I can rely on. And that is probably, just the feeling at this moment from my mood swings when I have my period. It is not that I do not have people I can call when I REALLY need someone. But I want someone who is there day in and day out for the big things and little things. I want to snuggle up on the couch with.....someone to have dinner with......someone to touch and take a shower go the grocery store with....someone to share housework with lol I know that sounds strange.

Right now I am peeved at lots of things and one thing is that I do everything around here...with the housework. I have let things go the last several weeks because I just get sick of being the only one who does anything. Another thing is that I have wanted to go to a few parties and event and invited a couple different friends to them and they either end up saying no but invite me next time and so I do and they say no again. Which gets old. Or they say I will call you back and say they want to go but never get back to me. It is just getting a little old. And then with Nick I feel I give lots also but that is almost different. Yet, there are people who have reached out in my life and I have not had time for so that makes me feel bad.

Okay side tracked......a movie on called Dangerous Touch. Lou Diamond Philips is in it. And it is not sure the word but some Power and Control going on in it :)

Last night, I had a little bit of fun I went to a party. And it was fun but would have been more fun if I would not have been watching out for the person I went with.

Not sure where else I want to go with this entry. I am just annoyed with life right now. Just tired and want to finally live my life as I have always wanted to....

Tonight someone told me to be patient.....that I am deserving of a strong supportive Master....

So just hanging on until that happens...


Friday, January 18, 2002

you need a purpose always to occupy yourself

I was writing about other things tonight so thought I would try to finish up some of these thoughts and post them....and try to forget about the other post I have put up today lol

Work has been pretty good this week. Tomorrow night I am going to a party I have to dress up and decided to go with a black skirt and a black sheer top that is a zebra print. The sleeves are sheer and then the front has a black camisole under it. it has ruffles down the front and then the sleeves are 3/4 length with little ruffles. I have my period so my normal dress code for underneath the clothing has to be changed. I usually would go pantiless and wear a garterbelt and stockings and bra. But now it will be matching bra and panties...and thigh highs probably. I hate pantyhose but with my period I feel even fatter then usual so might opt for pantyhose for the control top. :)

Weight has been a big issue rolling around in my head. Mostly because of my impending visit with Nick. I am worried he will think I am "too" fat. He and I have discussed this. And he has seen PLENTY of pictures of me so he know what I look like. So not sure why I keep worrying about it so much.

Tonight I was one for a little bit and signed on to yahoo thinking Sir Nick would be there...but he was not :( But Ray was...we had an interesting convo....

I was telling him about something that I have told no one. He said some insightful things......about it and me. He said, "now that you're going to see him you need to push the envelope as much as you can" And I wonder if that is a fair assessment....on that. The other things he said were I would say accurate.....unfortunately. Ray said, "You need to be owned to quiet your head."....he went on to say, "you need a purpose always to occupy yourself with a constant state of being owned." And the last thing I wanted to post that he said, "your submission comes out strongest to men that aren't available... like you can only feel it strong when you know that it can never be... like this is coming from that part of you that doesn't want to be a slave, or is afraid of it... holding back from who you think you are."

interesting comments....

I right now feel very tired and like my mind is spinning out of control and that I just need to hang on until I get to Nick's but on the other hand last week I was feeling very upset because I felt he was not giving me the things I deserved and it was a different feeling then this week. It was a feeling of...uggghhh can't find the word....but this week I feel like I am lost, alone, might just be totally because I have my period who knows.

Mistress DM and I chatted a little tonight after I posted my last blogger entry on Kam. She had some interesting comments that I hope to address tomorrow. Because I should be in bed right now.

I know why I am not but I will not admit it out loud....

Just was sitting here for a moment staring at the screen.....

I miss Nick....


Thursday, January 17, 2002


This post is a post for getting out some feelings....I never write about Kam and myself as it is something he does not like....but this is for me and I do get upset that I edit myself......

so this is for me...I am feeling like if he reads this (but he told me he does not read my journal) that it would hurt him and I do not want to hurt him....but he does not read it.... it being angry tonight...and trying to get it out...

Tonight Kam it seems like he has done several things to upset me. I just get sick of it being like this. I mean he gets up and he acted like he was mad. So I asked him. He knows there is a lot going on with me....he actually was the one to point it out. He starts into things and I do not like that the past happened with us the way it did but it did. And I do not bring up the past until he starts pushing things back in my face. And usually all I say is, I know I understand. But like he notices that. (how that was said that tone I do not say with him because it will be thrown back in my face that I was sarcastic.) It is just that I am the bitch that did not give him another chance. How many chances do you give a person? A person who I love but is not compatible with me at all...I mean we fucking don't even believe in the same things or want the same things.

Okay...this is something I believe. I am a new age freak at times. John Edwards from the TV show Crossing Over I believe and Kam knows it. He knows that I believe in this guy. And strange thing about John Edwards is I do not have desire to meet him to talk to be people in my past. I don't have that desire which actually bothers me a little that I don't want to. But I would like to meet John Edwards because I get good feelings about him as a person. And Kam knows I get good feelings about John Edwards as a person. Well, Kam is almost always the pessimist about people like that. He believes John Edwards is a con. Anyway, I had the show on tonight and he said something sarcastic about and then had to of course start going into that he is con. I almost turned the channel, as I did not want to hear it AGAIN. But decided no I want to watch this so I am going to. Because lots of times I don't watch as I do not want to hear those comments so I just opt not watching it but it is on a time where Kam is usually up so it is a rare occasion when I get to see it. So I did and he would shake his head and then finally after it was done he started talking about how this guy was a con and he could do the same things. Kam has insights into people. But how Kam says that John Edwards does this is not really the way he is doing it. He said anyone could ask questions that are broad. And I said he asks pretty specific questions and describes things that are specific that he should not know. And Kam is like no he is being general. And I want to say did you listen at all what he was saying in his show.

Anyway, we do not agree on these things we never do...

I give people a chance and Kam does not. That is how it has always been.

And I get sick that someone who knows I believe in something has to tell me that my beliefs are "wrong" that I am "stupid" for believing in something. And that is how I feel after conversations like that with Kam. He never says you are stupid well he has...but not on this topic. He just implies that I am "wrong" and way off base for believing in this.

I mean we have such basic beliefs that are different.

Mistress DM and I had a conversation a week ago or more about me letting go of my past. She said I would have to let go of the loyalty thing if i let go of my past. When she said that, I was like "great!" it is not my thing anyway. It is something I have picked up from Kam and it is one thing I have always had a bad feeling about. I still do not do it like Kam does...i do it to a lesser degree which has always annoyed Kam. Kam pretty much does not give anyone the benefit of the doubt. I mean if someone does something he does not like he cuts them out of his life right away. I will talk to a person about it....I pretty much have a 3 strikes you are out rule. You can wrong me..hurt me...three times and then it is getting to be an unhealthy situation so bye.

The loyalty thing where like when a person who has basically stabbed me in the back a few times...and then I do not wish my friends to be friends with them I would say has never been a loyalty thing until Kam. It was more a thing of I do not want you to be hurt by him. It is also a belief thing....where if a person is friends with that person who stabbed me in the back, I feel as though they are saying I am the one in the wrong that did something wrong. So that is my issue and I have known that a long time. Comes back to my self-esteem and acceptance issues.

I do not like my past with Kam. I have hung on to it but I have let go of a lot too. Mostly I have let go - forgave and forgotten "events". It is more that I am just still hurt by the whole instead of all the little things. Wonder if that makes sense. But Kam hangs on to the little things. He had to bring back my words and say them to me as he does in every argument we have. I sit there. If I get any anything...say anything...he gets meaner with his words. So mostly I try to just sit there, as it just is something I do not like to have to go through.

Last year when I did the changes it was one thing I changed, how I handled arguments with him. Instead of screaming back insults and past events, I just tried to sit there and say what he is saying is his things not mine. His anger not mine. But I do have anger. I just have not found a way with Kam to express it where it does not get turned around and he plays the victim and me the big bad bitch....which he does anyway actually.

Guess that is what I am trying to do by writing about it, as I never write about Kam things because he does not like it...and so i am trying to write to get my feelings it has no where to go.

He thinks he is the only one that gives anything....and I just take from him. And there is lots I give to him some I do not mind and others I do not want to but I know that he does lots of me so I want to try to be fair.

He was laid off his job in December and tonight he started talking of the us moving out and getting our own places again. We share a business - He does not have job right now - We have so much that is OURS and he acts like it is something that is going to be just so easy.

He told me that I say things to purposely hurt him. And I don't that is one thing I am VERY careful about BECAUSE of that fact he does that to me all the time. He says things just to hurt me. And I did tell him that.

In the arguments he always brings up a time where he asked me to stop seeing "Sir" and I said no. It was a hard decision to make. And Kam never will forgive me for it. His thing is he says that he would never do that to me and I said in our initial did it to me over and over again for 2 years I was owned by him. And he has done it in the last 2 years also but i have not said that. But it is easier to blow off now because I am not his. When I was his it hurt more. Now it is like I just kind of say it is his life....and this is mine. So, I made the decision I did because I decided it was time that I did what I felt was best for me instead of putting others needs above mine. And Kam says that I "harmed" him by doing that and that hurtful and did it on purpose. I said no, I did what was best for me and he always says "I would never do that to you". That he did not know...the things he was doing was hurting me is what he says and he says I did and still did it. So that he is the better...nicer person. So this person that tells me this in ever argument is the better person? This person that says sarcastically like "Sir" and Todd were good choices. The person that throws words and event back in my face over and over is the better person? As I sit there and just shake my head. He said why are you shaking your head. I said because I do not hurt you purposely you are hurting me purposely now.

So this man that suppose to love me and wants me to give him another chance does these things to me once a week or more.....feels i am being unreasonable for not giving him a chance.

I admit....I do not know how he does it. It has to be hard knowing that I might leave someday. I feel guilt daily for it and that is why I try to do certain things to make it easier. I do not chat about certain things and it is hard because Kam is like a best friend and so it is hard not to share things when I am hurting and when I am excited. But I do it because I do not wish to hurt him.

In the end when this is all said and down the thing is that this person that loves me does not like me as a person so how can I be with him?


Wednesday, January 16, 2002

emotions override my logic

Well, I have not written in a few days. I have been busy with work. I threw out some questions on a couple lists I am on about being enslaved. And had some interesting responses. I have things going on in my head that I just can't get out but maybe it is PMS lol I heard from Sir Nick yesterday...he is sick. And working working as usual. I miss him lots.

I am wondering why....some things affect us more then others. I mean people and things said. When one person says something it makes me laugh but if someone else said it I could get pissed just depending on person. Well, emotions override my logic lol

I do not like that one person could say do something and I react without thinking.....when I feel I am Nick's. So then that flusters me and makes me wonder if I was truly owned would I still feel that way? I guess to me I feel it has nothing to do with that it has all to do with who I am naturally....a submissive. Not that I submit to all Dominants but there are some that make me react instead of think. It is like they talk to the muscles not the brain or emotions really....perfect example is Mistress DM. So if Mistress DM told me to do something should I feel guilty that I did it without thinking as I view myself as Nick's?

So many things...come up and I give a pat submissive answer to....

example....a Dominant messages me and says "fucking slut show me yourself on your cam." First I do not have a cam but my usual answer is....I would need to ask my Master or I am only show myself to my Master. Here is my problem....Nick is not my Master but it gets really complicated to explain it but on the other hand I do not wish to have anyone else be my Master and he is the one I want and hope to be my Master in the future. I ask him permission for all major things in my life. I ask him what he wants and I try to do things to please him. I give thought to him in all I do even knowing he is not here to see or watch over. So is it wrong to say he is my Master?

Fear that just came through me....fear of all these months putting him so much in front of my life - putting him all over my life...and then I get there and he will not like me at all and then I will have to write about all that and then I will have to deal with that whole and then I will...have to start over or give up....

ending this for now as I have work calling me back to it again.....


ps: no time to spell check or review.

Monday, January 14, 2002

One Enslavement?

I posted these questions to a couple lists tonight....

I wonder how to deal with things....

The first stages of being enslave....being Owned and realizing you are do you react...emotionally? mentally? physically? As your time, privacy and everything starts being shown to you...that they are His? What happens? Do you break down and cry? Does it feel like everything...all the layers are being stripped? I mean when I think about it I feel like I am going to be naked....emotionally, mentally and also physically literally too I am sure lol...but so exposed and vulnerable that how do I cope with that after having to put those layers up to cope with daily life?

How do with the changes without reacting in anger because of your fear? If you do act in anger how do you get the will to stay and fight because you know it is what you need instead of running because you are scared?

How have...your Dominants....handled it when you were going through it?

I chatted with Mistress DM tonight. In my posts from Sunday, I asked if you could be enslaved mentally and emotionally online. I asked those questions for a reason of course, but the above come from my fears of meeting Nick real life. The other night we were playing online and he made me into a mush brain, but was requiring me to think anyway....which always frustrates me.....because it is nearly impossible and I even flipped a coin for one of the choices he was making me make. Anyway he said at one point and I felt the tone even online.....he said to me make the choice now because when I am there I won't have a choice. It hit me like someone dumped a bucket of ice water on me I was crystal clear in that moment...mush brain was gone lol

The next night I was chatting with a friend online who I have mentioned a few times but never given a name to....will probably have to name eventually but not yet. Anyway in discussing some things with him, the questions of enslavement via online came to me. Mistress DM had a slave that was enslaved via online. And I knew that....but I wonder how often it happens really? How many can really do that it seems to be something that is not there with many.

Mistress DM said that it is with the right person it is an instinctual reaction. It is not weather or not to enslave it is weather or not the submissive will stay or run in fear. She said that I ran from her She also said I resisted with Morgan...which I had to think for a moment on that one. So weird I have not thought of Morgan in a while...she is with me always but not...*shrugs* hard to explain. Anyway, so now my choice with Nick will be stay or run...or if it is even there instinctively but I think it is....soooo I just need to know how to handle my fears.

When the cold water hit me...when talking to Nick the other night....I stayed but I was shaky and wanted to run......


Sunday, January 13, 2002

Physical Contact

A lot of things went on this week that I did not talk about....

Here is a quote that is the daily quote on aol when you sign off...

"You must do this things you think you cannot do." ~ Eleanor

Not sure what to write I sit here thinking of all that I could and it just does not seem like it can come out. It is almost like it is done and so why talk about it.

I got to talk to Nick on Friday night and we made plans for me to visit him. So, that is a good thing.

Last night I had a conversation about Kam and my relationship. It was not fun....far from it. I wanted to scream at the person I was talking to but I didn't, but I was not very nice at times anyway.

I was reading a conversation I had and it made me start thinking about.......

Does a Dominant have an obligation to a submissive that He/She "makes" open up and exposes vulnerabilities even if that submissive is not His/Hers? I think Mistress DM asked that question on a list I was one with her. Also what if the submissive is taken by another then what...if one opens her up and exposes her while she is another whose responsibility is it to put her back together? I also wonder if mental and emotional enslavement can happen without physical contact? Can complete control, Dominance, and power happen without physical aspects? I mean yes I just got done writing a few days ago that I wanted some Dominance without sex.

Just thinking as usual...


American Girls

I just found this quote...*grin*

"American girls are like horses, very independent. They have never been controlled by anybody. But if you can break them in, they are very grateful, as all women are." ~ MICHAEL CAINE, BRITISH ACTOR (1974)

Saturday, January 12, 2002


I was at..........another journal that lead me to this is a site that lets you "opt" out of banners. No more Pop Up Ads


Friday, January 11, 2002

good old fashion control

Music: Sheryl Crow

Last night I was thinking about D/s - BDSM - Sex......

All my words on this subject are not coming out. Basically I am just sick of all the men, again, that message me and want one thing.....their sexual needs satisfied.

I have been having sex for a very long time....started at a very young age and not had a problem ever finding someone to have sex with ever - even now. So if I needed only sex that would not be problem. But I don't only need sex. I want more.

The thing that turns me on the most is control, power, and Dominance.

The Dominants that have been they "type" of Dominant I want..that spark my interest and keep me wanting to go forward...often don’t even talk about or bring sex into what they express at their S&M desires.

I like sex :) But it seems like sex is always there so I want more. I want more from my relationships.

I get turned on...wet and slut-like with power, control and Dominance so in essence sex is involved. But what I mean is what turns me on more is not mentioning sex. Not talking about having me giving a blow job or having sex with me or even touching me sexually.

When I start having orgasms, I lose control more and more. I become mush. (there are lots of ways to make me feel like mush though) and as I become mush brain I am very easily controlled. Now if a Dominant had an orgasm in that moment wouldn't they have lost if you are in a S&M or BDSM session would that work? Someone I was chatting with brought that concept up to me last night.

Anyway right now I just would like some good old fashion control and dominance :)


Wednesday, January 09, 2002

Watch Your Language

Okay at this moment I am angry. Not just frustrated not just annoyed I am angry. And not even sure what to say about it.

I am upset because I deserve a relationship where the other party puts as much into as I do. I deserve to have attention and time. I deserve to be cared for just as much as I care for others. And I am not getting that at all....

Then there are the men who I feel pressure from and I can hear Mistress DM and Kam in my head....saying if they pressure you say good bye they are not worth it.

I feel I am Nick's...even though we have not met....he may not deserve that honor as we have not met yet but that is how I feel. When chat with other men I keep it to a certain line because otherwise I feel I am betraying him.

When I went and played with the sadist, I felt that way. I was being choked at one point during the session and I thought of how I felt I should have asked Nick to be playing....I should have got his permission...I felt how I betrayed him in that moment. I also realized I did it because I was trying to push him away. But I did not get his permission and I felt I was dishonoring him.

I have never met why should I feel that way???

There was one night a long while back where I felt Mistress DM got mad because she thought from something I had said Nick was controlling what I said. And that was not true at all. I was on the phone with Nick once and he said watch your language and I took it, as he did not like what I said in that moment...for that discussion. I believe he did not and so I started watching my language. He did not say I order you to watch your language. He did not say never say anything like that. He did not say you now have a rule where you cannot swear. All he did was point out something that I felt he did not like and so I changed my behavior so that it would please him.

It is a rare occasion when Nick orders me to do something and usually it is a one-time an assignment. Not something long term...that would be there day in and day out.

So I feel if I went to play with someone even would be cheating on Nick. And I have not even met Nick. I just think it is how I view a Dominant/submissive relationship. It just feels like I would be dishonoring him if I did not get permission.

But at this moment I am upset.....and feel I deserve more.

Nick and I have had so many talks and things we want seem so right and how he handles me when we do talk are just so on it. So it seems why I am I so unhappy right now? I mean yes we have not met so that would account to not being happy but it is more then that. I mean at least I felt like we had a continuing growing relationship before.

I just am so frustrated tonight.....

I feel like I could write more but it would probably be me saying the same things over in a different way……


Nick & I

I just looked at the date when I published.....

Sir Nick and I have known each other 5 months today....


not marketing pain

‘Call back the energy you are wasting on events of the past.’ ~ Caroline Myss

'Unplug from the BS and let go of the steering wheel.' ~ Caroline Myss

'Healing means getting over the pain, not marketing it.' ~ Caroline Myss

Written Monday evening....blogger was not working when I went to post it.....

This morning I woke up not wanting to get up, but I have been on a vacation with work for 2 weeks now (one week of that at my parents) I had to get back in the groove.....

I slept better then I had previous night...did not watch tv as long....was not up as long. So it was better. And I am sure most of that was because of my conversation with Mistress DM and then the rest was because Nick told me not to worry and to sleep better last night before he signed off.

I did not want to get up this morning, but as soon as I signed online I did some work and then my mind started going over things. And my mind kept going back to Nick and things in my conversation with him last night and other conversations. Things just became clear...not clear but I decided it was time to not hold back. I keep a lot back from him and that bothers me a lot.

Today, I felt it weighing on me a lot that it needed some resolve. So I wrote about my feelings. After writing about them I needed to talk and just kind of babble on some things.....because I had already told myself I would talk to Nick about them today. I had concerns, fears and doubts and I needed answers because *I* deserve to know what the he** is going on.

Only thing that was different about today in looking the concerns was that.......I did not bring the past into them. I was very happy about was hard but it is a start not huge maybe not even small but a start. In the past, I would say I am concerned he is doing this because so and so did that when they hurt me or when they lied to me or when they..__ fill in the blank__....but today I just sat down and looked at him and me and nothing else and wrote out the things that bothered me.

And I did that because I do deserve to know that answers. I mean that is what I kept thinking the whole time I wrote and thought about it.

I wanted to talk to Ray this morning so much. I kept feeling that need to talk him but he was not online. But another online hmm friend...trying to find the word for him.....he is someone that I have had some actually very deep conversations with but we have only had probably a dozen conversations - all of them at some point during them about something hard, painful, deep, insightful. He was on and I just needed to kind of babble about some things to kind of get my thoughts gathered. He is an outside party with no emotional stakes in me. He does not know anything about Nick and for some reason that helped me...feel better. He gave me some support and some advice.

It is weird because I will tell people that Nick and I have known each other 5 months online and then shortly after they will ask why we have not met yet. Then they ask if he is married. And I know he is not but then they say okay he is involved. And from the things I told this friend today he asked me the same thing.

Have you ever been sure of something and not known why you are sure of it? That is how I am about Nick - and this issue of him being married or involved. I just knew he was not married and feel he was not involved either.

So I chatted with this friend and then Ray signed on :) And I just went into rambling right away and I was crying and he knew it and told me he was going to call. He was getting pissed because he does not like to see me hurting. He wanted me to be straight with Nick so that I could get the answers and stop being jerked around. He helped me feel better and as I was on the phone with Ray...Nick messaged. He thought something was wrong. I had sent him an email at his regular email and also his work saying I needed to talk to him. So he got worried.

Okay that is all I wrote on Monday....

I worked and chatted with a friend online. We had a long conversation. I am admitting this out loud. It feels nice to have someone giving me attention. And positive attention. Lately when Sir Rob and I talk we end up fighting. Ray...I love and have fun with but he is unattainable. So it was nice to have someone talking to me who likes what I have to say and wants to be with me.


It has been a weird day. I have been very much in a kind of grumpy mood. I am wanting to cry and I wanting to scream. And mostly it has to do with Sir Nick.

I am getting very upset about not getting the things I need. And then I start wondering if it is like this now how will it be if we were together.....will I get the things I need from him. Logically when I list out what he wants and what he is like as a man I say yes I am going to get them. But if I start thinking of how I feel today and thinking how come he does not have 5 mins to write me to say thinking about you and then I start to get upset. He always says I am not ignoring you. No, I never feel ignored by him....but I do feel unwanted at times. And little things could correct that things he did before so why won't he do them now?

Yesterday I was sitting talking to a friend who has a ldr/online relationship with a guy and she was describing how things were when they were first online and how they are now. And really she could have been describing Nick and I. The only difference is that Nick has dropped things for me and took time for me where that guy never has for her. Like Monday when I wrote him....all I said is that I needed to talk and he signed online and then called me as soon as he read his mail. He has been like that from the beginning. Back in September the end of it I had to do something that was very hard and things did not go good. I called and left Nick a message where I was totally balling my head off and he called me right away. He is very good with me.....when I am emotional and irrational and being a woman lol So that is why it is not the same as this friend and her guy. Her guy is never there for her. Nick is not always but when I reached out he always has been there. I just wish he were there without me having to least sometimes.

The quotes on the top of the entry are from Caroline Myss. I saw an interview with her on Oxygen. I wish I could see her in person. I have really liked the things I read on her site.

I am going to end this entry......


Monday, January 07, 2002

My Will

Music: Joni Mitchell

It seems like the last 2 days have been one conversation after another that have hit on topics I have not wanted to talk about.

Last night I talked with someone online that I had not talked to in a while. And he asked me how my search was going for the "One" and I told him I thought I had found him. And told him a little about Sir Nick and that we were going to meet soon. And he said he was happy for me and then he asked me "and what do you expect to happen to you then?" The other night online Sir asked me the same question.... Well, he asked what did I think will happen when we meet.

And I have been trying very hard not to think about it and have expectations because that is what I did in the past. So I mentioned to Mistress DM today that Sir had asked me that question and I did not want to be asked that question. And that sparked a conversation that I did not expect lol

I live in the past....

I try so hard to not make the mistake of the past that I do not let the past stay in the past.

Mistress DM said that after reading my entry on Dec. 30th about the Forgetting Room that she felt that when I was talking about the Forgetting Room that I was saying we need to worship the past but that is not what I meant to say at all. And I tried to find the words for it today what I was saying but really did not find the right ones.

I am very scared of making my past mistakes. I do not want to go through another Don, Todd, even another relationship like I had with Kam when we were Master/slave....I was just not very happy. I do not want to hold back like I did with Morgan. And I try so hard not to "repeat" the past that I hang on to it.

Mistress DM said lots of good things but one thing she said was that instead of saying I am going to go forward, I say I am going to be opposite of the past and then the past is still with me and has power over me. And it is true. When I talked to Sir about it tonight he totally agreed.

He had more to add. He told me I have low self-esteem. I do. But even with that I hang onto the past. I said to him I am better then I was and that is true and good but I use it as to not go saying I am better then I was before. I feel I have to be going forward but now I wonder if I ever have. :(

Lately I have been reading things that all seem to come back to just accepting things as they let go of the past, anger and hate and just accept.

Since before Christmas I have been meaning to pick up the Four Agreements again. I need to start listening to what is being said inside my loud whisperings lol I am actually not sure why The Four Agreements I do not think have anything to do with acceptance but I think they might help me let go of the past or accept reality - the here and now better.

I just looked up the website for the The Four Agreements.....

Here is what it says....


*Be Impeccable With Your Word

Say only what you mean. The word is the most powerful tool we have as humans. Depending upon how it is used, the word can help us to become free or to enslave us. By practicing impeccability we can clear up communication problems, heal relationships, and create enough personal power to break our old limiting agreements.

*Don't Take Things Personally

Each of us lives in our own personal dream, and what we say, what we do, and the opinions we give come from the agreements that we have in our own minds - they have nothing to do with anyone else. By the same token, others' opinions have nothing to do with us, so there is nothing to take personally. When we make the assumption that whatever happens is because of us, we continue to hurt each other and brood about what we call injustice. A huge amount of freedom is gained when we take nothing personally.

*Don't Make Assumptions

We make assumptions when we think we know what others mean, or when we think they know what we mean. The problem with making all those assumptions is that we believe them as the truth, and we blame others for the assumptions that we make. We must have the courage to ask what another means, and the courage to say what we really mean. The day we stop making assumptions, we communicate cleanly and clearly, free of emotional poison.

*Always Do Your Best

This agreement makes the other three possible. When we simply do our best -- not more and not less -- we avoid self-condemnation and we have no regrets. Although our best is always changing, we continually strive to do our best.

I do think that book might help me with acceptance. I need to dig it out again. I have it somewhere in my room lol

Also last night I read this was the only article I ended up reading on the site last night (read other articles on the site before it is a GREAT site)....Spiritual Surrender

Last night when I read this part....I started crying and I could not figure out why...

"For me, spiritual surrender is about learning to let go, and accepting life for what it is, not what I wish it could be. By learning to let go, I don't mean quitting or settling for less out of life. It doesn't excuse me from striving to succeed. For me, its more of a moment of recognition, of knowing that I am at a certain place in my life: this is the way it is right now, holding onto anger or resisting acceptance will only hamper me
from moving forward"

Kaylee always has words for what I feel...I admire her that she is able to write and be so free with expressing her feeling and thoughts and sharing it with so many. much of my life has been about acceptance you think I would have got that message by now lol

Now on to the hard part...

How do I do to I live in the here and now and not the past? How do I go forward from HERE?

I asked Mistress DM about that...and she asked me how strong my will was which was a whole interesting conversation on its own but I will get to that in a moment.

I have to let my will overcome my past - the doubts the fears the issues of the past. I use my will to accept and surrender the past to the past.

But I am not sure how to do that.....3 separate times tonight the past came crashing to the front....

Talking with Kam about my dad and I got very upset when talking about it. And then I was having a convo with Di and found something out that I had not known before and it upset me. I asked her about it and really it is okay because she is my best friend and that does not change. But it affected me and I did not like it. And then Sir said something tonight that made me think of a moment with Todd and it was like it was replaying as he went on chatting to me. And that peeved me too...that it toyed with me. So how do I stop the past from coming forward with memories...things spark them...conversations, music, to I let them not affect the here and now. ugghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Mistress DM asked me about my will tonight....She said that i have surrendered it to Nick and sometimes I surrender it to her also and I do. But I struggle at times surrendering......

And she pointed out something tonight....and I had never seen it that way....

I told her I thought my will was strong because I struggle at times to let go.....

And she said that I was wrong...that it was my ego that was causing the struggle and it was my will that overcame it and let go. And it is true that is how it is....she said that it is my nature to submit so that anything that keeps me from doing that is not my will...that it is ego, pride, doubts, fear..... and that my will overcomes it and does what is really inside me and what my true authentic self seeks.

So I need to let my will...overcome my doubts, fears and ego and let go of the past.....

easy right? lol

good night....


Friday, January 04, 2002


Music: Tangerine Dream

I am pretty much hibernating. I have cut myself off from everything since being back from my parents. One thing is work....I just needed a vacation from answering the phones. I still am not missing it much yet but I am starting to do some work things now.

I did not sleep at all last night and that bothers me a lot. As I felt I was doing so much better with sleep. And yesterday I was able to concentrate so much more. But then I went to bed and woke up with nightmares again. And so that I ended up staying up watching movies until the sun came up this morning....and that is when I went to bed. ugghhh :(

Di and I were talking about Nick the other night. And I know she is right. He and I need to have a serious conversation. I just feel so much lately that I get upset about things and it bothers me that I do...I get hurt by things he is doing and he is not even aware that they hurt me. I just feel every conversation we have lately is me explaining something that upset me and hurt me. But that is because main reason.....he is not able to give me lots of time so by the time we talked a few things have built up. And how much time and attention I need has changed. Honey was commenting on patient I was being with the time and attention thing.

I did not have time to post this earlier but wanted to now even though I have more to write about....


Long Ass Post

Music: Empire Records Soundtrack (never even seen the movie love the soundtrack though), Coldplay, Dave Matthews

Mistress DM is a very good writer. She writes on her website a piece called Perceptions. This last piece is something I have written about also. Submission as a Gift.

First comments on her writing. She always makes me think with her writing - she brings clear ideas that were kind of clouded or she give me a different perceptive even if it is not my own. The latest writing not only said things very clearly, but it did something else. She made me laugh. She used some humor in her writing. Maybe she does it often but this time I got it. And enjoyed it a lot! I know she knows how to use sarcasm I have seen it up close and personal. :)

There here is something I wrote a while back.....

Submission is not a Gift

I wrote this 11/9/00

Submission is not a gift to me.

Submission is a need.

I am an artist. When I do my art I am not giving it to someone as a “gift.” Yes, it is nice that someone else enjoys it, but it is not something I do for another. I do my art because I need too.

I need to give my submission. I need to serve and eventually surrender.

When I was owned – I did not believe that my service to my Owner was a gift. It was my duty. I consented to his Ownership and Dominance and thus had the duty to serve him. I gave consent because I needed to submit.

I do believe there are some Dominants out there that can compel a submissive to submit. If she did not have that in her nature though – have that desire or need – then she would not submit. When she is compelled, she is acting from what is within herself – from the nature, desire, and need thus doing it because something in her was sparked by that Dominant. When the Dominant compels her and she does submit, I do not believe she does as a gift. She does it because it is a part of her.

I do not think that getting up at 3am to run to the store because my Owner had a craving for Ben & Jerry’s to be a gift. It is a duty. I do not call putting in an 18-hour day for my Owner a gift it is the submissive serving her Owner. It is not my “gift” to my Owner. I need to serve and yes those things may not be fun but they are what I need to do to complete myself in my submission.

Anyway....that is what I wrote...

It is making me think on that subject more. As things have changed in me and views….I still do not think submission is a gift. Just like my art is not a gift.

D/s with Nick is different. He does not do rules (yet). Or anything he just is the person he is....a Dominant male and he compels me to be a better person and in being that better person I serve him better. I was going to use an analogy using the night I was giving him attitude on the phone and he was amused that I finally was doing that. But it is not coming out right lol

I stopped with the attitude because I do not want to be doing that. I knew I was giving him attitude because I was upset that he had not contacted me to let me know he was alive. He had very reasonable explanation for me but I still was upset and taking it out on him by giving him attitude. He did not say stop or you will be punished. He actually joked about it since it was the first time and he felt it was "cute" and also because he is in clear across the country. He kind of joked back with me he said things in his joking though that made it clear that attitude will not go far in person. And in that it made me realize what I was doing. He did not order me or suggest what I might do...he just compelled me to stop. And I did.

I was just reading Mistress DM's journal. She talks about that she has list of things she wants - it is almost like a shopping list but that a person may have everything on that list but still not be the right person. If there is not the chemistry then they might not be looked at for a potential relationship. And likewise if there is chemistry sometimes the person might not have all that is on the shopping list but that if they are missing a few things that might be ignored because there is that chemistry there and that is important to click.

I agree. There are a few Dominants who I chat with that I could check off lots of things on my shopping list. But with Sir Nick the chemistry is there and we click. So he is the one :)

Things I need to do this next week: Write a bunch of people, finish reorganizing my house, send a few packages off one to Germany, call and go out with some friends - have Christmas gifts to give a few still since I was out of town.

I am starting to panic already about meeting Nick and it probably will not happen until the first weekend in March.

I chatted with Ray online this afternoon for a little bit. And Sir Rob. I had not talked with Ray in a while because of the virus and then being at my parents and then him being gone out of town. So we just got a chance to chat. I missed him lots.

We were talking about trust and honesty. He has always been truthful with me. Not only truthful but also empathetic. He wants what is best for me. He is a good man. I have had a few people ask me why I am not with him. Well, because this good man is already taken :) He was taken from the moment I met him....engaged and then married. If only....comes to mind. :)

Well, changing subject oh so subtlety lol...not....

This time at my parents I felt the most able to myself then I ever have been able parents did not lecture me on anything. They didn't interrogate me about my life. I was able to just really relax. It was really nice too because I did not have to make one decision while there lol My mom would just say okay going to my aunts today, going shopping, going such and such place for dinner. So everything was planned for me lol

I went to church on Christmas Eve....the pastor at my parents church though annoys me lol He actually reminds me some of Todd. When Todd turned on the charm he could sell swamp land and make it sound like the dreams spot for your vacation home. And this is how this pastor is....where he is fake. Todd was not fake but not real lol He was an illusion.

I miss him. I admit it. I still care for him deeply. But I could never be with him like it was....when I was with him. I need someone who gives me as much as I give them. And he would not give me anything....but lies and projects of his feelings.

Okay enough on that subject....

While I was at my parents I was thinking about love and if you can fall in love with someone online. I do not think you can. I think you can grow to love a person online but not have that bond of "true" love...where you are "in" love with the person. I loved Honey before I met her real life. I fell head over heels for her when I met her in person. I think with my ex-husband I always cared for him but that I did not really fall in love with him until our 4th year of marriage when we were working on things. And I thought it was going to get better. Todd - I liked online but - it was in person...actually the first time we met...that I fell in love with him. I looked at him and he smiled at me and I looked to his eyes and felt my life flash before my eyes....things I had not thought I would ever want again...marriage kids to be a wife. I care for Nick and I love him but it is not the same as being "in" love. There is this connection and this part of me that aches when I am not in contact with him. I also worry about him LOTS. Not that those things spell love but...he has come the closet to a real person that I want to be completely honest and free with. Like with the attitude - stopping it and then apologizing...that would not have happened in the past I would have either pushed the attitude as far as I could to see what happened (thinking I would push them away) or I would stop and pretend that I was not giving attitude because I was upset about something else. I would have justified it in my mind. I did not do that with Nick. I am myself with Ray also. And I love him too.

I have a big heart :)

On a list that I am on they were naming the top 5 they would want to be with.....if they could :)

I cannot name just 5...

So here are some names

Of course first on my list has to be Nick *grin*

Angelina Jolie
Fiona Apple
Stacy Haiduk
Shannyn Sossamon
Jessica Alba (Dark Angel ~ Reminds me of Jackie)
Karina Lombard
Patricia Velazquez
Brad Pitt
Hugh Jackman
Richard Gere
Heath Ledger
Ed Harris
Kevin Smith
Antonio Banderas

Questions on who any of these people are go to The Internet Movie Database

It is almost 4am I can't sleep...I started the journal entry at 1am. I stop and start it as I chat with people and do things online.

I should try to get some sleep but I just do not feel it will come tonight :(

I am just not tired.

I just had about 3 gentlemen message me telling me that they were horny. I can't believe that a woman would like that. Talk to me as a person the way to get to me. Then I had a man ask me after I said I was devoted to one if I wanted to cyber with him. I then told him I do not cyber and if I did that I should probably ask Sir Nick how he feels about me doing that since I am not a free submissive. And they do not get it. They just keep trying to convince me to cyber. Or then I get the opposite....they want to cyber and such but how I talk of Sir Nick that they are impressed with me as a submissive and my devotion and then that draws them to talk to me like a normal person and then they like me and still do not get I am devoted to ONE. lol It is weird.

Well, I am going to go pop a dvd in and try to get some sleep....


Wednesday, January 02, 2002

Travel Plans?

Music: Soundtrack to Gladiator

I want to write tonight but not sure what to be writing. I guess I am still kind of floating on a high. Sir Nick is always busy and so the talk of me visiting always seems brief and never to the point. But today it got there....and maybe it was there before I just was not getting it. He told me to come just to give him 2 weeks notice so he can get time off. I think I sat here a moment wondering if I was really seeing the words on the screen.

How it all started this afternoon also is just so weird.

Of course after looking at a calender - my work schedule (things I can't get out of), his travel work schedule and other little really does not look like I can get there until the 1st weekend in March. So that kind of sucks but I guess having a time is better then not.

I think I am still kind of awestruck....

I know there were lots of things I was going to write about tonight but all that I can think about is....

seeing him...being close enough to reach out and touch look at him.....

those things I need...



Sir Nick just told me to come see him.....

I think I just fell off my chair :)


Tuesday, January 01, 2002

Michael Jordan

Music: Jennifer Lopez

WOW I just read about The Wizard's game last night. I wonder if it was on TV to begin with but these are quotes from the article I read on AOL Sports....

"Jordan went to work and nearly set an NBA record. He scored 22 points in a row, part of a 45-point game in the Washington Wizards' 98-76 victory over the New Jersey Nets on Monday night in the MCI Center's annual New Year's Eve game."

"Jordan made 16 of 32 shots and 12 of 13 free throws with 10 rebounds and seven assists. He scored the last 10 points of the first half and the first 12 of the third quarter, single-handedly accounting for a 19-3 run that put Washington ahead 56-45. The Nets never got closer than nine the rest of the way."

"The 22-point streak was one shy of the league record, set by Jordan when he had 23 in a row for Chicago against Atlanta on April 16, 1987. Jordan scored 61 in that game."

"Jordan toyed with every defender who guarded him, from Martin to Richard Jefferson to Van Horn -- and even arched a running 16-foot jumper over 7-foot center Todd MacCulloch. The last basket of the 22-point run was a spin move around Martin that left the defender flat-footed and the crowd gasping."

That would have just been so awesome to see!!!

Jim got me hooked on Michael Jordan and Basketball. After Michael Jordan left the Bulls I watched occassionally. When Michael was with Bulls almost every time they were on TV we watched them. I watched the Pacers for a while after that because I like Reggie Miller. But pretty much he was the only one I liked watching after in Cleveland I just have not had the time to watch them like I did with Jim. Maybe it was because Jim was watching them so that allowed me time with him so I watched.

Babbling as usual....

I am a Michael Jordan fan and wish I could have seen him last night do that last basket!


New Years Emotions

It is 6am and I have not been to bed yet. I am tired but not able to sleep....

On Monday....

I do not really ever go out on New Year's Eve. I have had people over in years past but this year we had a friend who was going to be alone and Kam did not want her to I told him to go do something with her. He was worried about leaving me alone but I assured him I would be fine. I was :)

I was online this evening and I had a whim to call Sir Nick. I did not think he would be home but thought I could at least wish him a Happy New Year on his machine and ask him to call me asap since I was worried about him.

He answered....

I almost fell off my chair and then almost started crying and then next got mad......

Because here I had been so worried and according to information from my end he had to have known that.....

But found out he had not known.

We had a good conversation but meanwhile I was getting upset that he had not contacted me. And holding that in and then what happened was that I got an attitude with him. And he noticed right away and he handled it. I then basically kind of said what are you going to do about it and he said well right now from here not much I can but the tone of his voice.....not sure what it did to me but I felt instant guilt for being a brat. His voice was not upset really it was just I could not scare him off. It was moments later I told him I had a confession. And I told him I had been upset that he answered because here I had been worried and he had not contacted me. I never feel Sir Nick is ignoring me - I just do not feel like a priority. And he is one in my life.

So, we talked and he explained and it was all right on. And I then felt even more terrible for giving him attitude.

He made it clear that in person that it would be handled differently then it is on the phone thousands of miles away. He always has this calmness about him and seemed very calm when I started with the attitude but also amused not sure how to explain it.

How it started is that he asked me to explain something and I said I don't know and answer. He does not take that as an answer, especially when I know and am just not saying. He said something to make me see that he reads what I say and what I do not say. My attitude remained small - because believe me it wanted to come out more but I kept it down.

We both then had things to do so had to hang up but he told me he would call me on New Year's Day. And even gave me a time. It is small things like that make me feel very wanted.

I then did the things around here I needed too. And then I signed back online. Di was there. She was in a shopping mood tonight lol :)

Then.....someone who occasionally messages me messaged. And conversations was what I should expect from a person like that. *shrugs* Well, I do not need to worry about it anymore as I am not going to chat with him again. I am missing Ray lots. He is so cool and understands me.

Then Kam and our friend came over and we had pizza and watched the Bridget Jones Diary. It was pretty good. Kam then went to drive her home and Sir Nick called. :) It was 3:30am here. He was feeling good lol He sounded pretty much how he normally does only talking more :) I liked it. He was cute. I liked that he called again to check on me and also tell me he was turning his phone off. Another thing that made me feel good. Because he was telling me that. I knew the reason he was doing it...he has had about an hour sleep in 48 hours so he was needing to get some sleep without interruptions. So, I am glad he was doing that. He told me he would call me today later. And he was just so great.

After I got off the phone with Sir Nick I signed online and Mistress DM was online so I chatted with her briefly.

I tried to lay down and go to sleep and I was a little bit...I was having a really good dream there for a bit :) A dream of crawling into bed with Sir Nick as he laid there in his boxers....yummy and then well having some fun waking him up. :)

I then woke up feel back asleep and then woke up with a nightmare :( I am glad though I had the dream of Sir Nick...and that is what I keep thinking about :)

I worry that I am not being myself with Sir Nick. I get scared to say things to him for fear he will leave or tell me he does not want me. I get scared of saying certain things for fear of his reaction. I did that with Todd to but with Todd I also had just cause to feel that way as he often did come back with negative reactions or reactions that made me feel as though my feelings were not valid. With Kam I do not say lots of things as I just do not want it to start something….so I have got used to holding things back and I do not like that. I want to be open with Nick always. Uggghh…. Well…..

I guess I should try to get some sleep again....

Happy New Year!


ps: it was nice to change my mood from disappointed to good....and really nice to put it to good at this time of the year :) I did feel good tonight after talking to Sir Nick :)

January 1, 2002

Horoscope for January 1, 2002

Accept someone's word even if his or her actions tell another story. Protect yourself as inoffensively as possible. Others may be on the right track or making a huge mistake, but there's nothing that Libra can do about it.
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