Friday, August 29, 2003

Filthy Friday Five "Still Sadly Obsessed With the VMAs" Version

1. Consider, if you will, Madonna, Britney Spears, and Christina Aguilera. You have to fuck one of them, marry one, and push one off a cliff. Choose.

Marry....Madonna.. Fuck...Christina Push off the cliff...Britney.

2. Would you rather be like Gwyneth Paltrow and in a boring (though committed) relationship with a rich rock star, or would you prefer to fuck ONE superhot rocker for one night?

well since I am in a relationship....a wonderful relationship that I don't want to give would have to be fuck one superhot rocker for one night.

3. Which MTV VJ (from any era) would you be most willing to fuck, and why? If you say "nobody," your answer will automatically default to "Jesse Camp," so pick someone.

wow I have not watched MTV in YEARS and can only remember it would have to be Kennedy...not sure for the reason LOL

4. Is Jack Black attractive to you in any way? If you don't like guys in general, answer the question as if it said "Pink" instead of "Jack Black."

Yes, there are things about him that at times he is attractive to me :)

5. BE HONEST: Would you fuck the Olsen Twins if they were 18 and asked for you by name?

No but no doubt SoulHuntre would....*grins* So maybe I could say "hey I know someone..." LOL

Found this quiz and since I did a blog on Buffy last night...I thought I would include it on the blog...

Under Your Spell...

Which Buffy Musical Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thursday, August 28, 2003

I have not written in a few days....

Master has been super swamped with work and so just not much going on here. I mean there is, but I guess I just do not have the brain power to write. Master worked at home this morning and was home yesterday so that threw my schedule off this week (not that I am complaining - I always enjoy having Master home), so tomorrow I am going to have to kick ass and catch up before the long weekend.

We have lots to do this long weekend....start packing for our trip, go buy furniture, pull weeds, and other odds-n-ends. We planned the route of our trip last night. We are going to be going stopping in Manhattan, Kansas - Kansas City, Kansas - Terre Haute, IN on the way to Bill and Lisa's in Ohio. :) And then on the way back we are stopping in St. Louis, MO and Manhattan, KS again before heading over to Denver...and probably spending the night in Denver before heading over to Grand Junction. We have to stop in Denver for sure to pick up C1 and C2 (the kitties).

Master and I just finished a He said - she said article for SMART's newsletter. I will publish a link to my website shortly after it is published in SMART's newsletter.

I keep typing and erasing tonight...I hate when I do that....

I am feeling kind of blah...:(

PMS just started though so probably the reason...:(

There is a Buffy Marathon that starts tomorrow at noon (mountain time) on FX so as I kick ass cleaning and doing laundry I will Buffy keeping me company. So that is a good thing lol :) They actually had one of my favorite episodes...The Wish...on a week or so ago...Cordelia wishes that Buffy had never moved to Sunnydale creating an alternate reality created by demon Anyanka. Xander and Willow end up being Vamps and Willow is dressed up in leather! yummy! :) Cordy ends up being killed by Xander and Willow. Angel is in a cell - captured by the Master. Willow asks to play with the puppy and how she says it...every time just makes me wet! LOL She then goes and tortures Angel. Buffy does come to Sunnydale and she looks a hard-ass - no girly girly - more tomboyish I guess. She goes to stop the Master and the height of the fight just before Giles gets them back to present is - showing Buffy being killed by the Master. How they filmed it, the music, just the images from the section....made it for a really good climax. I really enjoy that episode. The season that episode appears actually is one of my favorite seasons - that and two. I really liked Faith so I liked having her in season 3. I really didn't like the seaons with Dawn as much as the other seasons. I liked them all but of course had favorites :)

With Spike joining Angel...I might have to start watching Angel again.

Monday, August 25, 2003

First need to say I did a post yesterday but for some reason it did not publish but was saved so just got posted tonight. So there is an entry before this one.

Today was not too bad...

We finally got the spare room in order. So now we have a place to move all my stuff into when it gets here and I can work from there to getting it unpacked and organized. We leave Colorado the 6th and not sure of the return date yet....but we will be in going to the informal for Carpe Diem on the 12th. We will not be in Ohio long, but it is better then nothing. Master has to get back for a we need to get back and get things unloaded. Master will have a couple days home (but my guess is He will have some work to do in those days before the conference even though He took them off) and then He will be gone for a few nights. That will be very odd for me to be here with the kitties but without Master at night.

Speaking of kitties...the little girl kitty - who I am going to call C2 - looked so cute the other day. She came prancing out of the bedroom with a big yellow feather coming out of her mouth. She had clamped down on it in the middle and so there there was pluming feather coming out from each side of her mouth and she looked like a fancy kitty. LOL

C1 - the boy cat that Master has had longer - tolerates me, but will not admit he likes me. LOL He will not take snacks from me. But yet when he is lonely he will come meow at me to talk to him...not to pet him but talk to him. If I pet him and Master is home - he acts almost like "yucky a girl touched me..".and looks at Master like "make her stop I can't stand girl germs." C2 though she is affectionate. She is kind of skittish though...but has gotten a lot better in the months I have been here. She will climb up on to me and plop herself down when I am in bed. She will nuzzle up to my hand to make me pet her.

I am allergic to cats, but have been pretty good about taking allergy stuff and also I can't believe this is working, but I have been using the new Febreze Allergen Reducer and it works for me. I spray it especially in the the morning I turn the sheets back after Master leaves and spray it on and let it sit for at least 10 minutes and then pull the next layer up and do the same until I have made the bed. I spray it on the pillows and my Teddy Bear also since C2 does like to snuggle up next to Ellington. I also spray it on the living room floor (as I am not allowed on the couch so I try to spray it where I am in contact with cat hair the most.)

Tonight I made homemade pizza...Master loved it. He said everything about it was just like He likes pizza. He said that it would be good for Bronco games so I guess I will be making a lot of pizza this fall LOL Making pizza and giving blow jobs. Master loves the thought of me giving Him a blow job during the game. We already started that, but by half time He was wanting to fuck me *grins* For that blow job - Master could tell that the pro in me came out LOL I got all my toys and props. I knew it would be long so I wanted to be able to do a lot of techniques. *grins*

Master has a big project for work and so tonight we went to His coworkers ranch so they could work on it. The drive there was magnificent of course. And then her ranch is nice. She has LOTS of animals. What I enjoyed the most about being there was just talking to her though. She is really nice. I like her a lot. She is very down-to-earth. It was very odd in a way talking to her. I was nervous as I really don't "talk" with others - here - besides Master. And that has not really bothered me. But I did remember tonight I do love to socialize. It will be good to see all my friends in Ohio. :)

I did lots of updates on my website today. I have a really hard time finishing the website...and to top it off....I have started a redesign LOL But anyway here is some new pages that were added either today or very recently....

Rack vs. SSC
Discipline and Punishment
Respect and Protocol in the Lifestyle

Quite a few erotic stories from ages and ages ago....

I did not edit them or anything. I posted just as they were written so long ago. As I said on the erotic whispering page....they feel very far away. I am not the same person who wrote them - it feels. I mean I have done things in them. I have experience lots but not all of it. But they feel like fantasy instead of reality and so much of my life now is reality based so fantasies don't have a place. Not sure if that makes sense. Anyway, I added quite a few short erotic stories so just listing the link to the stories.

Added items to the Random Whisperings, Soul Whisperings, and Noteworthy Whisperings.

Well I guess I am going to go see if Master is near done...or ask to go to I am getting tired.

Saturday, August 23, 2003

Whatever is not yours, abandon it. When you have abandoned it, that will lead to your welfare and happinesss. -Buddha, "Connected Discourses of the Buddha"

Well today Master has been busy on the guest bedroom. I have tried to help, but there was so much in there that just needed His attention that I felt very often in the way. Tomorrow after He has went through some stuff I will be able to get in there more.

I have been sad today and I think I am just kind on a low because Master has been so busy. He is my everything nd so when He is so busy that He does not have much time for me....I get down. We have not had much quality time this week and so it is just getting a little hard at times. Plus I have been worrying about His surgery even though really it is months away.

We did have some quality time last night - dinner and a drive. So that was very nice and I am very grateful for Master giving me that time. When we got home we went to bed shortly after - because Master had such a long day and was tired. I was disappointed, but certainly understood that He was tired after His long day and long week and was also grateful I had some time with Him.

My pain tolerence is dropping considerably since we have not played in quite a long time. That bothers me because punches he did before I could take - suffer - but take. Where now just punch of the same or even LESS level sends me to tears of pain. And I am of course not thrilled with that.

Being called away by Master.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Master's....SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): Your planning period may be coming to an end. You’ve been thinking about your future, travel plans or going back to school. Now it’s time to put your intentions into action. Well, not quite yet. You have a couple more days to dream. Then, you’ll be ready to move into an execution phase.

mine....LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You might as well keep your glass slippers polished, for you could be the belle (or prince) of the ball. Your charm and grace are working in your favor now and this is the time to make the most of whatever social activities you partake in. Have a good time. You’ve waited for this one.

Master's seems to be right on it to me. Mine I am not quite sure about lol - glass slippers? Belle of the ball? LOL oh well

Mini-Rant: Can someone tell me why people think that being a slave or becoming enslaved means - that a slave can't function or make decisions or be strong? I get so sick of that....that people think that because I am a slave means I can't make a decision or use my brain. My brain still functions even though I am enslaved. Master micromanages me, but that still does not mean I can't make a decision when I need too. I make them all through the day - even though I am micromanaged. It is reality we live in not a fiction novel. Rant over (for now *grins*)

This week has been kind of slow...Master has been studying at night. We did have a tv/movie night last night. We watched Mercy and then Monster House (off topic Steve Watson is HOT! *giggle*). Mercy has S&M themes in it. But not that they do a whole lot of it in the movie, but they show some equipment, toys and people dressed in fetish wear. But it had Peta Wilson in it and I drool over her. :)

Points I am ponder tonight is a question that is one Consensual Slavery. Can you be a slave or a Master if alone on the path/in search of your other half? I have always you are slave when owned and a Master when owning. But I am not quite sure about that now....after being owned and where I can say I am a slave more freely now (freely because I had problems saying I was slave before). I think being a slave is almost a conscious choice. And that choice can be made before you are owned. I think I made that choice before I was owned - I just was scared to admit it. Of course I was not enslaved....that path I am still on with Master. :)

BTW Jani I owe you an email and I will get it out to you :) I am sure I owe a few....know I will get to them. Sorry I am just not good at getting them out these days.

Monday, August 18, 2003

It is Monday.....

I wish it was still the weekend. :(

This weekend Master and I got a chance to go see our dream house up close and personal as they had an open house. It was really incredible. We ended up going around to a few - in and out of our price range. There were a few we liked. We also looked at some houses out that have 360 degree view. It would be really cool to live out there. There are neighbors but not up close and personal. So screaming would not be heard :)

Master on Sunday went out to the hardware store nice and early for a Sunday morning, because He decided to make me a "service" set. He attached chains from collar to wrists and then collar to hobble between my ankles. I know He loved the look of it...the chains draping down my body. It was one of those love hate things for me. I liked that it was restricting and I hated that it was restricting.

I have a new link to the right....Consensual Slavery. It is a discussion forum. And so far I like some of the discussions going on. I have not posted yet but have been lurking for at least a week. And then this one I stumbled on tonight and it looks like it might be good also.

Not sure why but I just am not sure what to be writing tonight so I am going to post now.
Chain-You would prefer to not be able to move
around. You are a masochist as well as a
sadist. You're strong-willed, forceful, loud,
and stubborn. But those aren't bad things at fact, they're rather good.

Which Bondage Material?
brought to you by Quizilla

That was what it came up the first time I did the quiz. I was waffling on one of the answers to one question. Here is what happened when I did the other choice....

Velvet-lined Handcuffs-You like strong but soft,
firm but sensitive. You're neither masochist
nor sadist, but you eat and talk and move and
do everything you do in a naturally seductive
and attractive way. You can be intimidating in
that way, but you're sweet and adorable. You
can be shy and sometimes prefer peace and
quiet. You rock!

Which Bondage Material?
brought to you by Quizilla

each kind of sound like me :)
Happy Birthday girlie!

Just wanted to wish a very Happy Birthday to you...I am thinking about you girlie and sending you lots of love and hugs!

Saturday, August 16, 2003

Music: Evanescene
Mood: Happy
Topics: All over the place - which is usual for me :)

Lately I have been giving lots of thought to why….I get so tied up (no pun intended) that I am not worthy of Master or when I "can't" do something that He desires or expects that I am failing Him and He might not want me. I have this great fear of Him telling me to leave. And I am not sure why I have that fear, as Master has never given me that message - He has never said or done anything that should give me that emotional and/or mental message. In fact, everything He says and does says He wants me as His everything in good and bad times.

I just get in these moments of great fear of that if I can't give Him something or if I do something wrong that He will say, "okay you are not good enough - good-bye."

I would like to understand why I get that way.

Then there are other times….where you would think I would feel that way more, but I don't. There are times Master uses me, keeps His thumb over me tightly pushing me and I feel so clingy and dependent. I feel this overwhelming need of Him. That I need Him like I need air, but I always feel like I will be His forever in those moments. I feel that I am His everything.

It made me think of some lyrics in a Sade song:

I cherish the day
I won't go astray
I won't be afraid
You won't catch me running
You're ruling the way that I move
You take my air

This is the first relationship I have not felt like running. I have not felt like I am self-sabotaging it. I know that Master is the One that my soul has been searching for all my life. It is like there was this puzzle in me. And there were pieces floating all over the place some in place and others kind of sitting on the sides waiting….waiting for that key piece to be put in place. It was like there was something in me waiting just waiting for that right moment - for that right piece to fit in place. And now I have found that piece of the puzzle. It is Master. He has snapped things in place. I feel so much like I have found the thing I was searching for all my life - and it was a Master….my Master.

Okay not sure I am talking on just one topic…just going all over….but that is so me lol

I would really like anyone who knows out there is there something going on with the planets because I know A LOT of submissives going through bad times right now - they are restless, depressed, or just down - not able to being focus as clearly. I have been going up and down - I go from being very focused and then I will just start crying for no reason - and feel so tired.

The other day I just thought it was because Master and I were going through lots of serious discussions and so it was more of just being emotionally drained - but I am not sure now after reading so many journals lately that have been feeling similar.

Okay next thought…

It is kind of odd that the more I become a slave the more I feel I have come full circle. I mean there is more S&M play and sex, but the feelings of dependence and serving and pleasing - are closer to what I started with when I was married. So the more I become enslaved to Master the more vanilla my life seems almost. I can relate to - me - when I was I was first married many years ago. BTW this is not a bad thing to me.


Today was a good day with Master even though we have not anything accomplished that we wanted. But I think we had good quality time with each other - just being close together. I love being in Master arms. I feel safe and good. I feel that all just how it is to be forever….to be wrapped in Master arms and feel His strength, power and love. It is so good….

More on today….

There are moments all through the day that are active shows of His power and control. There is a subtle flowing through the day that show His power and control. There are moments of great force that come crashing into me and are intense moments of His power and control and one of those moments happened today….

Master grabbed my wrist when we were walking through a store today. When we got to the car in the parking lot He took me and pushed me into the car by using His fist in my hair to "guide" me. And when we got home He did the same thing pulling me out of the car by my hair. His fist tightly in my hair. He guided me forward through the house - harshly - powerfully - pushing me into the bedroom - pulling my panties down and taking me.

He took me I had no choice. I could have said no but it would not have meant anything to Him or to me. It is word that does not mean anything anymore. And in these moments where I am shown He can do anything to me - I find myself happy and contented. Instead of being freaked by my lack of control and say, I become more and more at peace in my enslavement and surrender to Master's desires…Master's will.

Friday, August 15, 2003

After my post the other night, Master took me to the bedroom, laid me down with Him...gathering me in His arms and said talk to me. He made it so safe for me to talk that I just opened up and starting letting some things pour out. And He handled it all. He answered all my questions. He did not get upset with me - which was of course what I thought might happen. He made His girl feel very safe and loved and good. After that conversation it felt like a weight had been taken off my shoulder. And I realized Master took that weight shoulders....He made everything better....He seems to do that a lot. :)

We talked and snuggled. We started kissing and touching and one thing led to another and Master and I made love. It was nice I went to sleep feeling very much at ease again.

Yesterday, I first thought I had a touch of the flu or something because my body ached so very badly but then I realized that it was probably an emotional release. With all that Master and I have been talking about and such - I have been so stressed that I was holding it in my body. But with our talk after my blog entry the other night - I released it all yesterday from my body. And so it was aching from unwinding itself. I was really wishing I would know more about yoga because I think that would have helped let some of those aches out more healthily.

So yesterday I was not feeling great and then went to bake and have it not turn out. Cooking in High Altitudes is very time it will turn out and the next time it won't. So I was kind of frustrated even though I was happy to have things worked out with Master. Master called and I told Him about the aches and baking problems...He was very understanding. I am a lucky girl. Master had to run some errands for work and then He came home. And He came home with a bouquet of roses and another flower that I don't know what it is but it was very pretty. It is gorgeous. The roses are like a creamy peachy/yellow with red tips. They are so beautiful. I arranged them in a vase and put them on our table.

It was so nice of Him...I did not expect it at all and it was a very romantic kind gesture from Master and I appreciable it so much.

Master had some work to finish so He brought me with Him. And then shortly after we got home Master put me to bed. He read while I went to sleep. I just was in pain and just so tired. I went out fast and for the first time probably ever - since being here - I slept all through the night. :)

Oh...I just found out from a friend's journal that Ohio Leather Fest had the hosting hotel back out on them. The event starts tonight. I am wondering why the hosting hotel backed out. I will be interested in finding out.

I know Master and I are going to work on the spare bedroom this weekend. We are getting things ready for when we move the rest of my stuff here. But I hope we get some play time too. We have not played much in the last 2 weeks.

I am glad it is weekend and I get time with Master.
Happy Birthday Ray!

Lots of hugs, kisses and moos for you!

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

I am not sure what to be writing emotions are all over the place the last few days.

I have been dressing in ways that please Master, but for me are not....what I would call umm comfortable - physically and also emotionally. I like to dress girly girl but comfortable girly girl (btw thigh highs, garter belts, skirts and such are all comfortable for me). And although Master likes me in those things too and is pleased with how I dress normally for Him, He has a passion for things that are tight - that fit snugly around the body. He likes the shiny lycra spandex bodysuits & bodyslimmers (the modern girdle). And so that is what I have been trying to wear more.

I also have done a few other things this week that are things that please Him, but are hard for me and I just am not comfortable with emotionally and mentally. I am not sure if we are going to another level...or that I just feel burnt out or what...but it is hard and it is draining me emotionally to do these things that are above and beyond what He normally expects from me.

I just feel like I am giving more of myself then I can right now. But I don't see other options either.

The other night I needed to vent basically and get some things out. And one way I do that - is writing. Master has access to everything that I write. And so He read it. I hurt Him with things I said :( Nothing was disrespectful or in an angry tone. Everything was written from pain and frustration and I know He knows that. I didn't mean for Him to be hurt by it, but I understand why it hurt Him - as if the shoe were on the other foot those things would hurt me. But I did not know what else to do.

A week or so ago I read a journal of someone that had a fallout with her Master. She said it left her kind of in a "zombie state." And Master took that she was fuzzy but I totally in that moment knew what she meant by that as I have felt that in the past. And it is kind of how I feel now. I am going through the motions, but my heart is not in it. And up until has been.

I want to be serving and pleasing Master. I am just so tired. I don't know what to be doing.

Maybe I am just burnt out? Maybe we are going to a new level and I am just not adapting fast enough? Maybe it is just all that is going on is putting me on emotional overload? I don't know what He wants right now. I don't know what to be doing.

On to other topics....

Master and I discussed going back to Ohio to get the rest of my stuff. I look forward to the time with Him. I will be able to be with Him 24/7 for 2 weeks. I look forward to just traveling with Him and seeing things with Him. I look forward to Him meeting all my friends! I look forward to just being with Him so much.

I am worrying about money issues with that, but Master has told me not to worry.

Next worry for me is Master is having surgery in October. It will be outpatient so He will be at home for a few days for me to take care...before going back to work. He will be in some pain on and off for a few weeks. I am scared about Him going in for surgery.

On another note Master and I have been having lots of sex...that has been really good! *blushing* We have been having so much sex my cunt hurts! lol I am feeling like a well used slut. :) After Master fucked me doggie style last night He used a vibrator on my clit and this BIG pink dildo that I have inside me. I have been having lots of fantasies of Master fisting me and this didlo has a large base so I wanted it in me so much but it is not only a wide dildo it is a fairly large dildo too. It was not quite possible to get the base in me, but Master said it got close. I had several intense orgasms. If I would not have had that big dildo in me I think I would have been squirting all over LOL I am very thankful to Master for allowing me to have orgasms. I appreciate it so much. *blushing*
You are Bettie Page!
You're Bettie Page!

What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I am a Bettie Page fan so I was happy when I saw this result. :)

Monday, August 11, 2003

My horoscope today.....LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Love and romance can be the source of both inspiration and upset now. If you can use the feelings to fuel your artistic creations, then it may not be a difficult time. But if you have no where to go with the overwhelming images you are now receiving on your psychic television screen, it can spill over into your relationships. If there isn’t a romantic or artistic outlet, this could simply indicate an increase in playful interactions with children.

Sunday, August 10, 2003

Music: no music - watching Trading Spaces
Mood: okay
Topic: Pussy Ranch Questions, Weekend update, Anal Sex, Quiz

I got these questions from the Pussy Ranch....

1. If you are a heterosexual guy (or if you were one, hypothetically), would you find it mildly offensive if a girl wanted to use lube during standard intercourse? Or would you feel, "hey, the slippier the better-- whatever makes her comfortable."

Well I am female, but I would not be offended. My thought is...wouldn't you want to have GOOD sex soooo if lube is needed - go ahead lube me up :) Vagisal Intimate Lubricant is my personal favorite!

2. Similar question for those of us who like boys: Would it bother you or cause you to question your "skillz" if your partner needed Viagra for sex?

No it would not bother me.

3. Let's say your partner was into really hardcore BDSM (humiliation, beating, etc.) You love this hypothetical person. Would you be willing to administer the insults/whippings in a sexual situation if they begged you to and said it would get them off like nothing else?

I am submissive sooooo I would not want to administer but I love being on the receiving end to this kind of thing :)

4. Is it morally wrong for one to "bait" one's dog with peanut butter to get him to lick one's cock or pussy? Assume the dog is completely willing and licks up the peanut butter of his own accord. Is this animal abuse?

No I don't think so - because they will or they won't even with peanut butter or "bait." It is animal instinct to me.

5. Does a person need verbal permission to penetrate another person initially? For instance, let's say I've never had sex with a person, and we get naked and are hot and heavy and he starts fucking me. I have not said "no" at any point, but I haven't said "Fuck me" either. Did he just commit a transgression?

No I think getting naked pretty much made it a YES!

Weekend update...

This weekend was very quiet and nothing is wrong with quiet. Master and I have had some discussions that were not pleasant. But as always we get through these things. Last night I made Fettucine Alfredo for Master. He had been craving it. It was the first time I had ever made it. It turned out okay but needed more garlic. And then I made Master a big breakfast this morning. Later in the afternoon we had sex (which felt oh so good) and then just have been hanging out - watched Casablanca and then Cool Hand Luke.

I was just reading a post where someone was talking about having anal sex for the first time....ummm Master and I have not had anal sex in a long time. I hope that we do that again soon! *blushing* I have always loved anal sex. I remember when I was married - I wanetd to have anal sex but my husband was worried he would hurt me. And it does hurt - that initial entry but really after we get going it feels so good. I really am an anal just drives me crazy. yummy!!

Oh I took this quiz today and well...I redid it lol All the answers were still right for me....I just wanted this....*grin*

You must like to spank or be spanked, because your
romance is remeniscent of Secretary. A truly
modern love story, it shows that you don't need
to be conventional to be normal. You're
probably the type that owns a whole lot more
leather than what's upholstering your car or
sofa. Yeah, you know what I mean.

What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla

Saturday, August 09, 2003

Music: none - hearing Master's Bronco game in the background
Mood: so so
Topics: Facials, Blowjobs, Free Will Astrology Horoscope, Sexy Saturday

There is a discussion on Blogasm about facials.

There was a comment on there by a woman that it was degrading to have a man give her a facial. I guess it can be that way. I have had them where it was just hot and sexy, but Master does at times make me feel like a degraded whore. *smiles and blushes*

They have been hot and sexy before and that is usually when it is just pure raw hot vanilla sex. And that hot cum shooting on my face just feels erotic and sexy. I know I turned that man on so much that he is having an orgasm and I get the prize on me - it is very much a turn on for me. :)

Master has also made me feel like a dirty and used whore. And I LOVE that! I love having those emotional masochistic buttons pushed. I love that He has His hands wrapped up in my hair pushing my face right down in His crotch as He cums all over my face. I love that He almost takes my face using it as a rag to wipe off the excess and then wraps my hair around His cock and cleans up more. And I feel like His dirty used whore and I love it. It is one of those things that I don't like that I like - because I do feel dirty and used - but that is what makes me so turned on at the same time. I feel humiliated but good and aroused at the same time.

I enjoy cum on me...anywhere and everywhere. Master came from a handjob this one time and I took the cum from my hand and smeared and rubbed it all over me - starting with my cunt. I wanted it on my cunt... and so I took it and rubbed it into my big puffy lips - spreading them open and rubbing it onto my clit and then just moved my hands up my body rubbing all the cum I could into my body. I left it that way all afternoon and evening. We even went to WalMart that evening. :)

Master cums on my face often. He loves the way it looks on me - His dirty used whore. *blushing*

I like it when He cums on my tits too...but we have not done that often.

Another comment talked about a blow job being subservient....*shakes head* Maybe it is because of what I have done in my life, but a blow job is far from subservient to me. It *can* be subservient - but in the MAJORITY of blow jobs I have given (and those that know about my personal life know I have given A LOT! *blushing*) I was the one in control. If you know what you are doing and what will turn the guy on - then you are in control. You can control what you do, the speed, the pressure applied, the "tricks" you do, and even when the man will cum. It is all in approach. Also confidence...if you are confident in what you are doing you are in control.

Also I am not saying blow jobs can't be subservient - they can be. Master grabbing me and forcing me down onto His very much putting me in a subservient place. And it is very arousing. I like it when He grabs me. I like it also when He tells me...He just says suck. The tone...the authoritative tone - puts me in that place. But I am pretty much in that place with Master all the is just there is sometimes it is different degrees to it. :)

Next my horoscope on Free Will Astrology: Libra (September 23-October 22) George Washington was afflicted with smallpox, malaria, pleurisy, consumption, amoebic dysentery, rotten teeth, and Kleinfelter's syndrome. That didn't stop him from accomplishing feats that earned him a place in the history books. I suggest you make him your patron saint in the coming weeks, Libra. Draw inspiration from his heroic ability to overcome personal discomfort. You're in a prime position to render months of suffering irrelevant with a decisive triumph.

Okay and last for the evening....

Sexy Saturday's question....

If variety is the spice of life, then why settle down with one person?

Okay this to me is more then sex. It is a connection that goes is intimacy and just a knowing that is there with each other. There is a seeing of the future...the future is together. I can see myself with Master for always.

I am bisexual and I do love sex....but He will always be my primary partner. He will always be home for me. He is my heart and soul and life.

*If* (big if) Master and I started to love each other in different ways or want to be with other people because we were not fulfilling each other...I would say FIRST we need to work hard to come back to where we are today - first fix the foundation we are working hard at building - before going outside our relationship or ending it. Relationships take work. I think it is a conscious level of attention to each others needs that keeps the relationship going strong.

As Kinky said - she is capable of sharing her body, mind and heart. I am capable of doing that also. I am able to separate out sex and intimacy. I am able to have intimacy with more then one person. I am able to love more then one person. But in the end - Master is first. Master is home. Master is who I want in my life always and I will work hard to keep it that way.

In the past, I needed other people. I always wanted more. Now when things don't go perfectly - I still always want Master only. I don't feel a need for anyone else. But I feel a sadness...but it is not because I don't want what I have...I want to be with Master. I need to be His slave...

I think I am babbling and not making much sense - and now off topic. I see the past and see the now and they are so different. I am actually thinking of something Jade posted today. And thinking of a conversation Master and I had this morning. yeah yeah crying...

I will end this babbling for now.

Friday, August 08, 2003

Just read this at Master Jim and slave marsha's blogger...."Potential Owners must train themselves to look beyond the exterior of a person, to find out what is inside, to find out what motivates the person, to find out if the person has a slave heart. With that, we have the foundation to develop champions." ~ Master Jim
Not sure what to be writing tonight...but I have not posted in a few days. Well I posted the daily dharma today, but I meant more then a quote :)

Master has had a tough week at work...just long...mostly. Plus He has been thinking about changing jobs....more on His blogger about that. I am not nervous about Master changing jobs. I know what He would like to be doing - He would be good at...because He is very analytical. So those are good things, but as He told me last night He has job security where He is at and that part - having job security is important to me. And I know that is from my past....and so it is not fair of me to be putting that on Him. And I know that. It is just sometimes easier said then done.

I am feeling kind of blah tonight....just like not excited about anything - so maybe that is my lack of enthusiasm for posting tonight. So this is going to be a boring post and hopefully there will be more exciting ones this weekend....

I want to do something fun...I want to have fun and relax.....

And not do anything domestic this weekend or anything but have fun.
"It simply leads to more craving and more aversion. When we
realize in our own experience that happiness comes not from
reaching out but from letting go, not from seeking pleasurable
experience but from opening in the moment to what is true, this
transformation of understanding then frees the energy of
compassion within us. Our minds are no longer bound up in
pushing away pain or holding on to pleasure. Compassion
becomes the natural response of an open heart."

Seeking the Heart of Wisdom
Joseph Goldstein

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Music: Sade
Mood: Good
Topics: Poly, Odd-n-Ends, Schedule of day

This morning I decided to read a journal of someone that is in a poly situation. And well...I don't agree with what was being said. I know surprise surprise. First let me say she has not too bad of things to say about each girl. but then there is a paragraph on how she had to remain on top and keep the others "down." She said she needed to keep them down enough so that they could not be on top. The first thing that went through me was that I felt sorry for the others in this poly family. And next thought was wondering how she was really serving her Dominant in thinking/acting like that.

One thing in serving my Master that I keep upfront in my mind is that I am a reflection of Him. And if we were in that situation and I was trying to keep the others down...I would not be serving my Master properly as I would be a poor reflection on Him. How would it be serving Him if I was keeping the others down? The thing is to help the family grow and stay *balanced*. When there is a first or primary relationship, the others need to feel they are on an even level so things stay open and close-knit like a family.

I was in a poly household and I also was first. And as first, I knew I was, but never acted like I was first. And although I guess there can be a fear of being replaced, if you are the first, there is just a faith in that you know you won't. I didn't have to "fight" to stay on the top...I was there because it is what my Dominant wanted. And if I would have worried about keeping on top, then I would have just needed to remember to do what I have always done - that put me as the first in the first place. And that was serving my Dominant in a way that was pleasing to Him.

In the poly household, I was in, I never "fought" to stay on top. I was just there because of who I I was as a submissive and woman. I also worked hard to make sure the other girls felt equal and had personal time with the Dominant. I never ordered them, but tried to help them. If they were scared or having problems, I offered time to help them out - and even would request to my Dominant to give them extra time to help make them feel more secure.

I just can't image keeping anyone "down" so I can be on top.

Just for the sake of argument...lets say she was told to be on top....first I would hope the others knew that. So they knew what type of relationship they were getting into. Second how to you create a family in that situation? I know poly homes where there is an alpha who was in charge of the others and that was understood. Butl they don't keep the other submissives down...their job is to help the submissive serve their Dominant better. So why would keeping them down be serving the Dominant best?

I do want to stress if the foundation of the primary couple is not built and SOLID...then there can be problems that arrise where the primary couples goals, wants and desires become different.

Also I believe each relationship is different - so if you are adding 2 more people at the same time how on earth can you build a foundation with each? Just my is really important to build a foundation - which means getting to know each other and building trust and so on - so doing that while you are doing that with others is in my humble opinion toooooo much. I mean it is hard to start and grow and learn each other when in one relationship so having multiples starting at the same time....I think it is just bound for lots of hurt to be going on.

I will stop ranting...

On to something else....

Master and I had a nice day yesterday. He took me out with Him to work, but had a scenic drive through the Grand Mesa. It was incredible. I am amazed daily by the wonders of this area I live in...I can't find words to describe how and what it means to be surrounded by such magnificence.

Master took lots of pictures. We took pictures of a couple little towns He had business in also because I have an Ohio friend whose Master is from this area and she requested some pictures. So I worked on getting those resized and coded to put on a webpage for her today.

Hmmm what else...

Oh I have been meaning to Thank all the people leaving comments. I always appreciate them! And Ray I will get to your questions about the dog dish - but probably not until next week.

Here is a site I came across today Gothic Martha Stewart

I have been meaning to post a schedule for a while so I finally....

Here is a schedule of my day…

I have had it done for a while but did not have time to proof it until tonight. Master is letting me stay up later tonight to get a few things done I wanted too.

* Our morning starts an alarm at 6:30am and Master waking me up to play and have sex.
* Ritual Shower
* I shower after His shower, while He dresses.
* I then towel off as He feeds the cats (I am allergic to cats to Master does most of the work with them.)
* Get Master Breakfast and see Him off to work.
* Make my list of to do on the dry erase board we have on our refridge
* Get a diet coke and eat breakfast - write in journal and/or meditate.
* Start on my daily list - The order: Bathroom, Bedroom, Kitchen, Living Room, Other Bathroom, and Office. Then whatever room gets the deeper cleaning that day I do when I hit that room.
* Get things out for dinner - if something needs thawing, or if I am going to make rolls or something I get that going
* Master comes home for lunch
* I eat lunch and watch Trading Spaces
* Finish up any cleaning I did not get done
* Do any prep work for dinner (chopping tomatoes, browning hamburger, anything that will save time later)
* Get ready for Master. Master likes me dressed - so I get made up - doing makeup, toe nails polished, shaved, and then dressed in something slutty or sexy. I then put whatever I decide to wear plus garterbelt and stocking or pantyhose (as Master likes me in pantyhose too) and then heels.
* Master calls when He wants me to start dinner.
* I greet Him at the door we eat dinner usually 15 minutes to 30 minutes after He gets home. I serve Master's food first. Then make my plate and sit down. I don't eat until I am told too.
* After dinner I clean up the kitchen and dinner dishes.
* Master and I relaxation time - we do anything and everything from play, watch TV, go out and do things or just hang out and be with each other. When He is home I try not to do anything domestic. The only thing that gets done is cleaning up the dinner dishes. Same goes with the weekend. I try not to have any thing big during the weekend. I just do some of the daily task - but more minimized.

So that is my day….boring? lol My life as a slave. :)

Things are never boring though reall and our day is full of protocol and rules for this girl plus added bonus of just quality time with Master. During lunch Master and I sit and talk, play some, He gives me an enema during lunch often too. He hurts me on and off during the morning, lunch and evening often. So my day is just natural to me. It feels natural and right. I am doing everything for Him. It is part of my slavery to Him. I don't think about it anymore it is like muscles move to what He will want - what will please Him - what will serve Him best. :)

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

As butter lies hidden within milk,
The Self is hidden in the hearts of all.
Churn the mind through meditation on it;
Light your fire through meditation on it:
The Self, all whole, all peace, all certitude.

-Amritabindu Upanishad

Monday, August 04, 2003

Fuzzy Monday

Today was a state of fuzziness all day....and I am not complaining at all *blushing*

This morning started off with me touching Master Him a handjob. Anytime I touch Master I get so turned on - wet wet wet! I love when Master takes and urges (puts) me so that He will cum on my face. He came all over my face - making sure He got it smeared all over and then took my hair and wrapped it around His cock wiping His cock off with it. And then had me give a lick to the last bit of cum. After He caught His breath He started twisting on my nipples....and then He started touching my cunt. He humiliated with things that always seem to hit a lot of the little emotional masochism buttons I have in me. He told me that my whore cunt is not worth anything. That it is stretched from all the cocks I have had in it. And He said so much more...making me a very wet girl.

After Master played with me, I was very grateful and felt a deep need to show Him how grateful and so before our shower - I got on my hands and knees and pressed my lips to His feet. I just wanted to sit there at His feet....showing Him how grateful I was for everything He does for me...sexual attention included. I then crawled into the shower where Master pissed and I drank. And then He also spit on me. By that time I was really fuzzy....

After I got out of the shower - I got on my hands and knees and kissed Master's feet again. I had this need to be down...below Him. Down at His feet. Down showing Him how much I need Him and how grateful I am to be His slave. He patted and hugged me close and then continued to get dressed as I followed Him around on my knees.

He was about to put His belt on when He kind of pushed me down...and so He was kind of straddling my head - so that He could bring the belt down on my ass. It hurt more then it usually hurts. I started crying from the pain. I kissed His feet again afterwards and thanked Him. He then motioned for me to get up as He wanted me to do some things.

He signed me online for a little bit before He left for work. Girlie had been wanting to chat with me and so we did get a chance today. I still was very the time I got offline.

And then the next stage of fuzziness was set in when Master came home for lunch....

He had lunch and then we went to bedroom....Master did some punching, face slapping, breath play and just general grabbing at me...making me all wet and fuzzy. It was then nearing when He had to head back to work and so He dragged me to the floor from the bed and pushed me down hard onto the floor...putting His foot on the back of my neck and pressing. He then pulled up my skirt and proceeded to spank and punch my ass. He pressed His foot on my face still burning from the face slapping and now pressed into the scratchy carpet. I felt the tears forming. He then pulled at my hair to bring me to His feet to kiss them. I pressed my lips to His shoes...kissing each foot...pressing my lips hard into Him...pressing my cheek into His feet....crying. He brought me up to my feet...I was very out of it. He got me on the bed and then went and got my favorite vibrator and told me to have a good orgasm and left.

I pretty much was fuzzy all afternoon into early evening...*smiles*

I still think about what He did and get very wet....

As I was writing this I realized that I could not remember some of it and so I asked Master to refresh my memory of course He had to go over the details making me all wet and fuzzy all over again *blushing*

So that was my Monday....not to shabby huh? *smiles* It was a yummy day :)

Sunday, August 03, 2003

This is the first line of my horoscope for tomorrow....You may be feeling less like the nice Libra host and more like a character out of “The Godfather.”

Everyone worried??? lol I AM! lol
A Good Weekend!

We have had a good weekend. Master and I went to the mall :) Shopping! Master spoiled His little girl! I am a very lucky girl!

I have been wanting nicer sheets - sateen or Egyptian or pima cotton. And so Master decided we would get some yesterday as many stores in the mall were having Bed and Bath sales that were very good and it would be our anniversary present to each other. So we ended up getting 2 sets of sheets one pima (in reddish brick kind of color) and the other being sateen (in a light olive green) - high in thread count but I can't remember those at the moment. We came home and I washed the pima set right away so that we could put them on the bed for the night and sleep in was yummy!

While they were in the wash Master and I took a nap and then woke up to play and have sex of course.

Master start with punching. He punched me in my arms and breasts again. They were pretty hard punches. They throbbed for several hours afterwards and I still have aches from them today (in addition to all the bruises). As He was punching me I looked into His eyes and saw the beast coming up and out of Him.

It is such an odd feeling because most the time when Master punches me I am not restrained. I mean I have been standing in the kitchen and He will come up and kiss and grab me and then sometimes punch me. And I am standing there...taking it. The same way when we are playing...I am lying there and taking it. His fist hits my flesh....hurting is not an illusion, dream or fantasy - it is my reality. I feel His power over me - in those moments the most. I feel Master's power over me all the time, but in those moments I guess I feel that He can do anything to me. I am not restrained and I sit there taking the punches - crying, screaming and feeling the searing pain rush through my body. I feel like His punching bag - an object for His use and abuse.

I see His pleasure in letting His beast out and inflicting that intense sensation out on His property. I need Him in those moments just as much as He wants me as His punching bag - I need to be His punching bag. I don't understand how that has worked....that I need it. But I do. I guess I just need to be His slave - His property to do anything He wishes with.

So after the intense punching part of the scene, Master caned me. That was kind of interesting as He put a cd in and it was on song 1 when we started. I then looked up as I was facing the cd player - and it was on song 4, but in my mind I thought we were just on song 2. So I lost song 2 and 3 along the way. I don't really zone. But I get fuzzy so I guess I was fuzzier then normal LOL Master continued on caning me for at least another song before He decided to use His belt on me. I really like both the cane and belt...I mean they are painful, but it is pain that I like to try to work through. Both of those things Master has been using on me more and more. And then He intermixed the belt with the evil stick! ICKY!!! That thing is soooooo nasty, does anyone want to buy it from me? *grins* Okay just kidding as I know Master would not only kick my ass but He would also just get another one and use it on me more. So bad bad idea....right? *smiles*

So most of our afternoon and into the evening was spent playing and having sex. :)

Today first started with Master pulling weeds as I made cinnamon rolls, did some laundry and did some light cleaning up. I was going to join Him after I got the cinnamon rolls in the oven, but He got it done before I could. So after some breakfast, Master and I took our ritual shower.

As I know I have said before, but going to describe it again...our ritual shower is where I get in the shower and sit on the floor of the shower. I sit there and Master starts the shower off with pissing. I drink His piss, but He also splashes some on me too. But the goal is to drink as most of it as I can drink. Master then goes to the usual part of the shower - that is basically taking His shower as normal. All His soapy suds and water from washing His body dripping on me as He washes up.

I also sometimes play with Master cock and He cums on me. Also He spits on me in the shower too. Always tilting my face up to Him as He spits on me so it drips down my face. I feel very used and dirty.

So that is the shower - the shower at first made me so fuzzy it was hard to focus after them. But now when I don't get to do them with Master (which is a rare occasion) I feel out of focus. It is like a VITAL part of my day is missing. It puts me in my place - reminds me who I am - and gets me in the right place to start the day. They are very intense and still make me a little fuzzy, but as I said start my day out putting me in the right mindset to focus on doing good work for Master.

So this morning we took our shower and then I got ready. I got dressed and then put my makeup on...putting on new eyeshadow Master bought me yesterday that really has stayed on ALL day today no fading. It is creme eyeshadow by Revlon. It was a promo - that has 10 shades in it and they are great! I really like them and Master did too. I looked pretty in pink today.

Master and I then went and did some more shopping - but for things needed at home. And on the way there I called Moni on Master's cell - with His permission of course - and talked to her for quite a while Master read the newspaper while I talked. It was really really good to talk to her I miss all my friends in Ohio and had not talked to Moni in a while and just missed her lots! and well LOTS!

We had a good talk and of course I started to cry as soon as we hung up the phone as it was just hard to hang up - I am missing hanging out laying on Moni's bed while she swings in her swing and we just talk about everything. *sad face*

But I am glad I got time to talk to her. I appreciate Master letting me call and chat with her.

Master then bought me a little piece of heaven....asiago cheese! I love asiago cheese. It is exact kind Moni and I got once that was sooooooo yummy!

Oh before I called Moni, Master stopped to get a paper and sent me in for a diet coke as I had not had one yet. And I had my collar on with the lock very visible. And I went to the cashier to pay for my diet coke and she got "OH my how CUTE!" Then yells to call over co-worker to show her how CUTE my lock is that is what she thought was cute that I was wearing a CUTE lock. She is saying it really really loud and there was a person behind me too. And I am just standing there blushing saying thank you. I mean I think my lock is GREAT but she had no idea the meaning. She really did think it was CUTE! Here I was wearing a very girly girl floral sundress type thing - with a scooped neck. It really showed off my collar.

I told Master about it and He loved that it happened.

Okay we then Sunday afternoon we spent all afternoon into the early evening.....going to open houses. We saw of course a couple houses that were way out of range and so absolutely gorgeous. And then a couple that we kind of liked, but were not exactly *it*. Of course it was our first day looking LOL But it did inspire Master to design our own and build. And so we went straight out and bought Super Home Suite so that we could play around with what exactly do we want in a house. Master has been playing with as I type up my blogger entry.

Trying to think if there was anything else I wanted to talk about.....right now. Always more to talk about :)

Oh a new change coming to my life and routine....something I am very very nervous about....eating out of a dog dish on the floor. I am very scared about it. But it is also something I think will make me feel my place with Master - reenforce my status. I kind of makes me...frown, but it is something both Master and I want - to have me become more nothing - be more an animal. And so it is something new.....and it will please Master and it will be good for me as His.

Saturday, August 02, 2003

Saturday morning both of us sitting here naked eating cake. *grins* life is good!

The cake is awesome! Thank you wench for turning me on to it.

Last night we went to bed and played some....

The most favorite part though of the evening was sucking on Master's cock. Oh yummy! Master when I started sucking His cock had told me He was tired and did not think anything would happen tonight, but that I could suck. He was He was ready for bed. But I am a girl who loves to work on a cock when it is soft....and have it grow in my mouth. It just feels so good. Because Master had put out there that He did not think He would cum...I just took my time and did what I enjoy. It was slow and deep and wet. And I just love giving that kind of blow job where I can really worship His cock...showing Him how much I love His cock. And I do love Master's cock. I love the way it feels in my mouth, cunt and ass. *blushing*

I feel Him growing harder and harder in my mouth and it was pure ecstasy for me. I really could orgasm in moments like that....but I hate taking my mouth off His cock to ask so I didn't...I just kept sucking. It was so good!

BTW side note: Master did cum *grins*

I had been very turned on and even a little frustrated sexually before I started sucking Master's cock and just giving Him that blow job satiated me. He was so happy and loved the blow job and was pleased - that I was so happy and pleased at well. Plus just the act - the feelings I had going through me as I gave it satiated my sexual desires.

I went to sleep very happy and contented....lying next to Master touching His yummy ass!

Well now I am definitely wet - after writing this out! *blushing*

Okay next topic...yahoogroups....ugghhh

I have ran an adult picture list for almost 4 years and yahoogroups sent out a notice on Thursday saying they are going to not only wipe out all the archives (4 years of pictures), but also not allow people to go to the web to look at them. The only way people are going to be able to see the pictures is if they are individual emails or I start uploading them to the photo and file section.

I am not sure what I am going to do yet...but really I can't tell you how much this annoyed me. 4 years of giving porn to other pervs like me - going to be wiped out. :(

Next topic...

Delia Day...

Master posted a quote by her in His blogger this morning. I am fascinated by her. She is very intelligent. She is a slave and not the slave of fantasies. She says, "Fantasies are great and all, I will not knock them, but they don't help you find reality, which is something that I want to do." I feel the same.

There have been many times I have told people. I don't want to hear the fantasy they have if they are not going to live it out. Everything I write and talk about I know could happen. And I desire it.

Anyway I am fascinated by her and so I will probably be quoting her a few times lol

Time to go get ready Master and I are going shopping. :) yeah!! Little girl love to shop with Daddy! *smiles*

I am looking forward to a good weekend with Master after this week of pms hell seems to be lifting! *doing a happy wiggle*

Friday, August 01, 2003

Quickie - Our Anniversary

Online to send pictures out so wanted to do a quick update...

Today marked our 7 month anniversary :)

I tried to make everything in the house perfect. Since this week I have been out of focus - something happened today and I was totally focused and made up for all the things I missed this week. Our bedroom we had rearranged a while back and there were still things out of place so I got everything in order in there. I know it amazed Master since when He came home at lunch I had not even started in there.

I started the day by making a cake. We have not had a piece yet. It is called a Midnight Bliss cake. It looks like it turned out. I have been having problems with the high altitude when I bake. But I think I am getting it now. Plus I used the new electric mixer Master bought me and so I was in domestic heaven.

I had the table set with candles and everything set in place. I, of course, dressed up for Master. :) We had chicken cordon bleu, baked potatoes, and green beans. And then also a bottle of wine from a local winery. It was pretty good. It was a very good dinner with Master.

It is a good night. I am very happy and feeling much better then I have this past week. Maybe pms is passing :)

All I know is I love Master very much....He is an incredible man who has made me know what being happy truly means!

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