Friday, September 03, 2010

Control of Emotions

From an old Daily OM:

"As we analyze what lies at the root of our emotions, we can regain control over our moods and live each day in a more conscious, participatory fashion. The intensity of our feelings can be paralyzing, and their impact upon our choices and preferences astounding. Their power lies in their mysteriousness, however. Thus, when we seek to uncover the origin of our emotions, we strip them of their ability to interfere with our actions and reactions. The greater our understanding of ourselves, the more control we have over how we address challenging or unexpected circumstances. We can then look to reality for guidance and to our emotions for release. As you search your soul for answers today, you come to understand that you control your feelings."

I try to not let my emotions interfere with my service as Master's slave. It is hard. Sometimes I can do it and many times I can't. I am a very emotional person. I am lead by emotions so often the emotions control how(not if or when just how) I do whatever Master has told me to do. And yes I don't always like to do what he wants or says. I always do what Master says but I don't always do it with...well grace. So I really this Daily Om is something I should read often so that maybe I can understand how to control my emotions - because again as I have said often - really when it comes down to it I want to serve Master so the emotion is a reaction to the moment but not really what I want at my core. So if I could control the emotions to match what I want - that would be great.

Is it possible? Has anyone been able to do this?

Wednesday, September 01, 2010


Warning this is just a rambling of thoughts after taking a survey. They aren't really linked together. They are just thoughts I had while taking it.

I was filling out a survey that Hanne Blank is asking people to fill out for a seconf volume of her book Big Big Love: A Sourcebook on Sex for People of Size and Those Who Love Them. I read the first one AGES ago and used it but then lent it to a friend and you know the story - gone never to be seen again. Anyway the questions were not only for those that are big but those who have had big sexual partners.

The survey just brought up lots of random thoughts....and sharing a few of them....

* I once had an escort client be with me just because he had never been with a fat girl. After he was with me he said he didn't want to be with a fat girl again. He said to my face which I was thankful for because I knew he wouldn't trash me on the online forums - and ruin my reputation. He said the usual platitudes of "You have a pretty face - too bad you are fat." But he also liked that I did anal though and it is hard to find escorts that do anal - so eventually I heard from him again wanting to do anal. He booked me several more times just because I did anal. He eventually said that he liked I was fat as he didn't feel he needed to be gentle with me - he didn't feel I would break with rough sex. But he also added he would still never date a fat girl.

* I also once had a friend with benefits that only dated skinny women - mostly strippers. Yet we had great sex and we just had a lot of fun hanging out together but we weren't ever more then that - friends with benefits. I knew he would never be seen together dating because I was big. But I still enjoyed his company and the sex so I saw him. I had a girlfriend (girl who was not just a friend but someone I dated) - at the time that knew about him and asked me once why he and I didn't date as we talked on the phone a lot, we had sex and seemed to have great chemistry and I told her that he only dated thin girls and she was horrified that I had sex with someone like that.

He really liked strippers - just like some men like blondes and some women are attracted to only tall men. It is just preferences to me. My preferences tend to be geared towards personality things.

Oh and the same girlfriend ironically couldn't believe that I had dated people who weren't big. I have had girlfriends who wore size 0 jeans. I have had bigger partners and every other size in between. Size just isn't really an issue for me.

* I know often bigger people get upset when others say they aren't attracted to big people. And I understand - it hurts feelings. I have also seen some get upset about that yet do the same time and say they are only attracted to thin persons. I don't get that.

* I like fat/size acceptance but I don't like it when it becomes unbalanced. Such as often you will hear that a real woman has curves. I know many women who I consider beautiful and sexy and they don't have curves. A woman isn't just a woman because she has curves. I often don't join groups that are just for big people because of that. I want groups to be all inclusive to me.

* I have had dominant partners that have called me fat often - as humiliation. And it hurt emotionally but it turned me on.

* I was in a relationship with a dominant once where I was attracted to his dominance and thus that made him attractive to me. I really have to respond to someone's personality - just an aspect or overall personality to be attracted to them. So size really isn't an issue to me.

(I wrote this before I left on vacation but didn't get it posted - so posting now)
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