Friday, August 31, 2001

August 31st

Today is August 31st....

1991...I got married to Jim. It is kind of a blur. I was having LOTS of asthma problems - stress related is what the doctors thought. I remember bits and pieces. Standing at the alter with him looking away from the people in the congregation. I would move my arms and they would brush against the beading on my breasts and some of the beading would come off and Jim and I would watch it fall to the ground and bounce on the carpet in front of us. We got the giggles. And then we both realized at the same time that their was a video camera on us and so we looked over at it at the same time. LOL

When we were walking out after the Pastor announced Mr. and Mrs.....Jim gave a thumbs up. And the photographer caught it. It is a great picture it captures Jim's feelings so much in that picture.

I wonder what he is doing tonight. I am sure his mom had some tears like I did today. I mean I know Jim is not the one for me. I love him. But love is not enough. I remember when I said that to my parents and Jim's parents when I was unhappy and first thinking of leaving...and they both jumped down my throat. Telling me that I needed to just be a "good" wife....cook, clean, be there to support my husband. I did all that and more and still was not what made me happy.

I do not regret being married. I have given thought many times of going back. Jim is a GOOD guy. For the most part. He just does not get me most of the time. There are things about me that Jim knows that probably no other people know. But some of those things neither of us talked about ever. Strange.

We dated 6 years and were married 7 years. He was so romantic at times and would get in these moods where I got roses all the time and gifts just because and then he would not do anything for months.

Our 5th year anniversary was my favorite. He was incredible. It was the best time ever. So fun and romantic.

There are good memories and bad...and I guess I just do not want to forget this date ever. I was sad on my wedding day but also peaceful and probably most will not understand that except maybe Di.

Tonight Kam and I went to is a FRIDAY night and BUSY. So everywhere went was an hour wait so by the time we finally settled on something it was 9pm and first thing I did was sit down and have a drink with a shot of rum and then Kam did not like his so had his too. So I felt it pretty fast since I had not at all day. So I am feeling kind of good still :) Fading some now. Just getting tired but in that horny mood kind is not horny to me though it where I want to kiss and hug and touch and give a long slow blow job. *blushing* LOL

So of course I shared that with Sir Nick..... I think he approved *giggles* *blushing*


combative instincts

This is the horoscope for today for me.....and this is exactly how I have felt the last few days.

Libra Horoscope (by
What a change has come over you! At work, you've become a hotheaded rebel, fomenting revolution. Did you know that the planets are conspiring to bring out your most aggressive, combative instincts, to be used in the name of justice you are so renowned for? There's a great cosmic force supporting you. Heaven help anyone who tries to take advantage of you, or makes any untoward demands. Your Libra commitment to truth and fairness is coming to the forefront in a big way, and you don't hesitate to express your objections when you see anyone, including yourself, being treated unfairly.

...I had a conversation with Sir Nick last night about possibly playing with someone and the Dominant seems "extreme" and the only thing that really worried Sir Nick was me being safe. I said that I would stand up for myself and say stop. No problem with that :) The opinionated confident danae is back in full force.


Thursday, August 30, 2001

opposite of loneliness

Yesterday was FANTASTIC business wise. It almost feels like it is back to the business I had before I left for Germany! Thank gawd! :)

I was up at 7am yesterday after going to bed at 3am. And was basically running around up until midnight. I was suppose to go have my ultra sound today but seems we got a bit of food poisoning last night and I am not feeling well so I needed to reschedule.

I have places to go tonight so I am hoping I feel better by later this afternoon. Tomorrow will probably be busy. Tomorrow is August 31st. August 31st, 1991, Jim and I got married. So I will probably write a little about that tomorrow.

I wrote Sir Nick a long email FULL of questions and he answered them all. :) He always puts more check marks in the plus column. Actually I am not sure he has any in the minus column right now.

I was doing some work stuff this morning and threw some things in the backseat this morning. On the floor in the car is the package. The package that has books for Todd's son. And then something for Todd for his birthday. I am not sure what to do with it. The books for his son are very cool. I love children's books. The one book was bought when I was with him still and I think if he saw it he would understand that right away when seeing what book it is....probably be annoyed with me lol Oh well....

Okay so why is he taking up space in my head today? Di and I have had this conversation many is obvious that Todd does not care. So why do I? He has not been a friend. Which I find so ironic since we had a huge fight over that - that he said he wanted to be friends and I said that I had enough friends and when I said okay friends is okay. Then he does not even be A FRIEND. No wonder he does not have any. ugghhh

I also have been worrying about SM. I have not heard from him in about a week. I will just keep letting him know I am here for him if he needs me.

"The opposite of loneliness is not togetherness, it is intimacy." Richard Bach

Not sure why I needed to add that but I did....

It is from Di's profile :)

Her profile is GREAT!

I should just steal the whole thing and post it :)

okay off to take a nap lol


Tuesday, August 28, 2001

moments of denial

Today's blogger is going to be one of those that skips around from topic to topic :)

Yesterday I had a migraine from hell lol I have my period though so I get them often when I have my period. I was lucky it was my day off. But I still did work and still feel I have things to catch up on. Nothing huge though.

I am just surprised by all the men out there that are obsessed with SEX. I love sex....but I am more then just a person that likes sex. And I get messages all the time no matter if I am on my vanilla name, regular name or extreme name that all are sex oriented. I have so much more about me then just sex. Why do guys not get that there is more?

A quote from Di's daughter's profile....which is just so on it.....she is 16 and gets it…..damn wish I had got it at 16…

"I asked myself if I'm falling in love, or falling apart, because I think of him day and night. I love everything about him, but still I don't know, then I realized that either way I'm falling, I just hope that he'll be there to catch me."

I got scared this morning. I was chatting with Sir Nick and I got scared. Fear came over me like I was going to be hurt. It took me a little while but I told him. I felt like I was going to say something snotty or just sign off and I did not want to do that, so told him that I was scared. He was very good about it as usual.

I was chatting with a Dominant that I have talked about in this journal before but never named and he asked me when the last time I came. See sex again :) Anyway, I told him last night. And he asked me how it was great. It was one that made me relax so much that I slept all through the night. He then proceeded to ask questions about Sir Nick. He asked me basically if Sir Nick treated me like he did. And I said no, that Sir Nick is sadistic but that he also treats me with respect and puts me first. And this Dominant told me that "well you know it would never be that way with me." I said yes I know. And that is why I chat with Sir Nick more then anyone else.

I was chatting with Mistress DM the other night. She says that I have been preoccupied lately. And then the conversation ended up where I felt she was telling me I am not changing patterns and am in denial. So far when I have thought of the conversation I am trying to figure out what harm for *myself* is there in being in denial right now? I mean especially a year ago I would be in denial a lot longer then I am now :) Because really I am not in denial right now. I am very aware of my feelings. I just do not want to say them outloud. Because it is not time. And if it is not time for *me* then why should I say something just to make someone else's life less frustrating. This whole paragraph is probably not coming out exactly like I wanted. My brain does not function totally clear when I am on my period lol

I do not feel anything when I think of Todd now. It is weird this morning I was chatting with Sir Nick and it said Todd (slipped and typed Toad at first - Di will get that *grin*) signed online. Well I took him off my lists ages ago. So not sure why it was alerting me that he was signing on. But that was the first I had thought of him in while. I have not posted the letter to him for a few reasons. And not sure I need to now. And Sir Nick gave me other options if I feel the need for Todd to still read it. I am very lucky to have such a good man caring about me.

I am worried Sir Nick is going to get scared. And today was the first time after seeing Todd sign on - that I thought of him like that - I thought if Sir Nick gets scared like Todd did will he leave? But Sir Nick is not like any man I have ever met. He might pull away a little but he won't leave. One reason is that he is a fighter. He fights I think for what he believes in. And walking away to him I believe would not be the "right" thing to do. I keep thinking coward. I think he would think that is the coward's way out. And when I think of the word coward right now I think of Todd. He very much took the easy way out of things. Instead of feeling and learning who he was and being HONEST with himself and me. He just left. That is the easy way out.

I remember taking the easy way out. that seems like so long ago. Di wrote about how she wants to be able to be herself with someone. How she does not want to hide anything from the one. And that is exactly it with me. I used to hide myself - daily happenings - feelings - life from people I was involved with. Why did I do that? I think just the acceptance thing. I wanted to be accepted. And I felt "ashamed" for some of my wants, needs, and desires. So glad I am over that! LOL

I still have moments of denial but I am honest with myself even if I am not saying it outloud right away. Right now I am the only person I need to be honest with. And I am still going to follow one thing that I know is the best for ME.....admit it when it feels right.


Sunday, August 26, 2001


This week has been GREAT business wise. I had a fantastic week. Kam and I were talking about how the 2 weeks of me backing off and just relaxing a little bit as I got my head together has done my work a world of good. My attitude and how I feel about work in general is a lot better then it has been in a very long time.

Doctor appointment went okay. Did not find anything out yet. I have an ultrasound this week. Mistress DM had told me to do the sphere and it worked very well. So that helped me get through the appointment. I will write more on the doctor appointment later.

I have been spending LATE nights (mornings) chatting with Sir Nick. He feels like someone I have known for months. We talk every day for hours on end.

This past week something has happened to me and I am not even sure I can explain it. I am different. In a good way. I just am so much more myself again. I feel good about everything. I am scared about Sir Nick and I. But it is normal I feel after all the relationship things I have gone through in the last 6 months.

I feel scared, but firm in my direction though....strange. But not strange for me either as I am always on opposite ends balancing my seesaw life out.

Sir Nick is amazing. He is strong. He is real (he has pinched himself for me to make sure *giggles*). He is who he says he is. He is not an illusion. He is smart. He is sadistic. He is romantic and kind. He puts me first. That in itself amazes me.....over and over again....

He worries about me. He cares about my day. My feeling. My life. My joys my sorrows. I have never had anyone treat me so good. I was thinking about it last night. He treats me great. With such respect. But yet I have no doubt who is in control either....and will always know my place with him.

I have dreams of being in bed with him just lying there next to him hearing him breathing. Reaching out and touching him. I have dreams of lying in bed talking and laughing with him. I have dreams of him on top of me looking into my eyes with that look that sends shivers through me.....and his hand coming over my mouth and the other pinching my nose closed. I have dreams of us touching - the kind of touches that are so intimate and knowing of each others deepest fears and desires.

Oh my scared just reading back all I have wrote.... scared to post it....scared to whisper it outloud.....


Thursday, August 23, 2001


Just a real short note....

I am on my way to the doctor. Scared - but I have good people surrounding me. JJ is bring me. Kam, Di, Mistress DM and all my friends are sending me positive thoughts...

And Sir Nick just called to make me feel better and help me get through this....He is incredible. And I am crying again lol Emotional...ugghh lol


Tuesday, August 21, 2001

2 things

"Two things you need emotional balance and intensity." ~ Sir Nick

He is right....


Monday, August 20, 2001


Written Sunday 8/19

I feel blahhhhh

There is so much that is racing through my mind right now.

Watched Meet Joe Black again tonight. Kam was on the computer as I watched it. I was saying the dialog with the movie. He was like watched this a few times. lol

I saw The Mexican this weekend. I was not thrilled with the movie. I like Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt so thought it would be fun to watch, but it was not a very good movie. There was a good line/dialog in the movie. When is enough enough....when is trying enough with love? And the answer was never.
Made me think about Kam actually. Enough was enough with him. Does that mean I did not love him? Or just that I was not "in-love" with him?

Tonight I thought of Scott. Scott is a man I met online in....hmmm wow trying to 1997 I guess. He was vanilla - but not. He was Dominant DEFINITELY Dominant! lol I was actually thinking of Mistress DM post to her Perceptions (, which made me, think of him. And I thought of Sir Nick probably because they have similar characteristics.

He was a vanilla guy that messaged me under a semi-bdsm oriented name. He *said* he did not know much about BDSM. The things he did know were those of the movies.

I explained to him right away I was looking for a Master. And he and I talked but because he was not into bdsm - I wrote him off. I told him we could be friends but that was it. He said that he wanted more. But that he would be friends with me. I wrote him off because in my mind at that time I was new to the lifestyle - the lifestyle as in there are more people out there with my desires. And I felt that Scott would not be able to teach me the things I needed to know about being submissive. Now I look back and see no one needed to teach me to be submissive it was just there and I had to allow myself to feel the feelings and be it.

I shared some bdsm things with him but not a lot. We talked actually mostly of my rape issues at he appeared at a time in my life when I was dealing with most of those issues. He helped me. He would write me these amazing emails full of inspiration, support and courage.

Here is something he wrote me:
Today is special, because you’re in it. Today is exciting, because you exist in someones thoughts. Today is special because you are in the world. Today might be the only day you have left, might be the only day I have left, might be the only day any of us have left, but if we treat it as though it might be , could be, maybe, our only day to tell the people we care about (and sometimes the people we don't) the things we feel and think and see..then today will be special (Totally Special) and if we awaken on the morrow we should consider, if only for a moment, that we have been blessed with another chance to do the things that mean the most to all......over again. And all of us should at least be thankful for that! And consider for a time....that if all the peoples of the world practiced this (only this) {one simple idea} everyday of their lives all the world would be at peace!!......and love and respect and consideration and honor would be felt and not heard...isn't this what everyone wants in thier lives? ~ Scott 1/9/98

He is special.....because of who he was and all he did for me.

One day I tried to explain my poly desires. But I did not know a lot about poly at the time. And he asked me if I knew about Alpha Wolves. I said no. He said I want you to by noon tomorrow to tell me what you know about Alpha Wolves..after researching it tonight. I said I did not have time. He said make time. It took me months before I looked back at that moment and see that was one of the first moments he was taking control. He was in Indiana and I was in Kansas at that time. And he was taking small things as control. At the time I was collared and in an long distant relationship that I did not get much time with my Master real life and online at that time I did not get much time either. I talked to him maybe once a week on the phone and once every 2 weeks online. So I liked the attention Scott gave me.

He asked me to go do things for him. Like go buy a sexy black top. He that he would pick out clothing and have me just waiting in the dressing room not allowed to even look at the clothing in the store…..just him picking them out me trying them. And then he would choose what he liked best and that is what I would get. I liked the idea of that. I liked the idea of him controlling that much - and to me it showed he CARED. Taking control shows me that I am cared for. Strange huh?

So anyway he did things like that and then it got to a point where I rebelled and told him no. And he was so upset with me but calm. He called me as I said no online. And told me that was not right that if I didn't want to do something I needed to explain why and so forth that he had what was best for me in his mind always.......

Now I look back and feel he knew A LOT about D/s....maybe not BDSM. But a lot about D/s. And now I want what he offered. I want the BDSM too. Because I am masochist. But I want that security he gave me. To know I was cared for.

Maybe it is not Master/slave. Maybe it is something totally different. Scott talked of me being with him someday. And talked of how my life would have been and it would have been much like slave girls without a lot of the BDSM things. I think Scott though looking back would have explored the BDSM things. I know the stories I wrote and some pictures I would send him intrigued him.

So anyway was thinking about Scott today. I did a search for him online and found he still lives in the same house and has same phone number. I was thinking of just calling him. I bet he has remarried. He certainly wanted a wife again. That is for sure.

In trying to find that email that Scott sent me I found an old journal entry.....


can a heart harden? become numb so that nothing can get through? do you believe love can last forever? do you think protecting yourself from love is bad? have you ever been standing in a fog and hear people telling you that they are there for you but when the fog clears you are alone? that they could not stand waiting for the fog to clear....or you pushed them away - needing to get through the fog by yourself and on your own. have you ever been so caught in a "low" - that you do not hear the people who love you the most - hear their love and support and encouragement, so that the only option they have is to back off and make you realize you have to see - because it does not matter how many time the people who tell you that it is there - the beauty and wisdom - until you believe it yourself their words are useless....and only hurt them more by speaking them to deaf ears and heart. Can you ever find someone who respects the thoughts that come out your mind? who even though might not agree with them tries to be understanding about them? is there times when we need to be selfish? is there times when the hurt get so much it pushes us to see ourselves differently....but makes us stronger?

i have lived 29 yrs for others....where did it get me? not very far emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or physically. i have lived and loved, but insecurities drove me to place that i locked every feeling i did have left after the rapes into a little box with a BIG lock and no key. then one day the after looking hard and fighting with myself i reached into my pocket to find the key. i unlocked and felt. not always a good thing but the only way to truly live. with that unlocking of the box i started to love again...myself first....and then i added others who i fell in love with for the first time or others who i had loved forever just not always feeling their love for i did not love myself. . i gave them me....showed them love. my lid on the box still closes at time, but it never locks again. it has closed when i get hurt by those who love those who claim to love me. it has closed to protect myself when i am triggered, when my feelings get hurt, it is closed when i feel i am on the edge of where the woman i am now is about to put the lock back on the box. i do not want that lock on again. fighting it at times is hard....especially when their are people around who seem to want you to put the lock back on. they are more comfortable with me that way....but i am not. so i guess this random babbling is to say....yes even though i get scared, hurt, and hmmm well bitchy at times :) i am not putting the lock on the box. and one day i hope i can take down the box completely. that is a dream i hold onto....

Wow wrote that a long time ago.....

Something I am still seeking though.


an illusion too

I was just chatting with Di on aim and we were talking about Sir Nick. He is great. He is funny, smart, Dominant, kind and so much more. Yes, I did say kind. He worries about me when I am late meeting him online. He worries about how I am sleeping and if I am doing okay. He waits for me instead of me waiting on him lots of the time and he is very patient and understanding. He knows my schedule can change at a moments notice. I told Di, I am not sure I know how to act with someone that treats me good. He does. He treats me with respect and kindness. I like it and also on some level I just kind of shake my head in wonderment wondering when the other shoe is going to drop.

Di threw out a theory that I believe is probably right. She said are you worried he is an illusion too. And I am. I go through little things of wondering if he is really for real. I look for things to be wrong. And really there has nothing that has been wrong yet - I mean yes there are things I am not sure we are compatible on but we are not going to like ALL the same things.

He and I have talked LOTS of hours. We have chatted through IM's and then done many hours of voice chat. I guess I keep wondering when something will happen and it will turn bad.

The last 2 nights I have been kind of out of it. Lack of sleep catching up with me again. And he has been totally understanding and he made me smile and laugh lots. And BLUSH too lol But not like that is hard for him to do. He makes me blush all the time.

I guess I am going to post this I have like 3 other things I have started this weekend...thoughts and feelings on various subjects - love of course being one of the main ones lol that I want to post too.

Sir Nick is great and I am trying to not sabotage it or worry that things are not real. I just need to accept that maybe this time I really did find a good guy! Because he is a wonderful man and I am very lucky.


Saturday, August 18, 2001

Happy Birthday or Let Go

Today is the 18th.

I have a journal/letter going that I have had going I think since July 4th. It is a good bye letter. It is a trying to get some closure letter. I have been discussing with Di that I think I might post it. So I can learn the lesson I was suppose let go. I am going too....

But not today.

Today I wish him Happy Birthday....


Wednesday, August 15, 2001


I have had an amazing week. Really even with all that happened last week. This week has been amazing. Yes, I have had some not so good things happen, but it is counting the good things that truly matter.

Back in December of 2000 I changed my life. I literally woke up one morning and said I need to have a better life and knew I was the only one that could make it happen. So I did the things I needed to change it. One thing I did which was kind of hokey but simple and good for me was I woke up each morning and thought of 3 things I was grateful for. That making each day start on that positive helped me deal with everything during the day. Those things that happened that were hard did not look so hard when I had things to be grateful for.

I have started doing that again recently. I wake up (after getting more sleep than I have been in a while even though I am going to bed very late. I am sleeping. I sleeping all through the night and sleeping more hours. I have not had nightmares 2 nights in a row) in the morning and think of 3 things I am grateful for.

I am not exactly sure why I wrote that I think because I feel in control again. And clear in my mind....of where I want to go, what I want, and who I am.

Love is the focus on many of my blogger entries.

Reading The Valkyries and Meet Joe Black have played important parts in my life right now - impacted my views on love. Or maybe just enhanced them.

I want love but I do want to be owned. I was talking to Sir Nick last night and I wish I could have capture his words in print to quote him here because they are often amazing. :) But you know voice chat just does not let me do that lol I cannot even find the words for what he said. I cannot remember them word for word either (I know don't faint lol) I believe I want to be owned. I pretty much feel the words I write in my blogger and in my stories show that I want to serve and please and be owned.

I have been thinking about SM today. So I wrote him to make sure he is okay.

I started a letter to Jim after my phone convo with him last week I need to finish and send to him. I am sure he is doing a happy dance today. It is my last alimony payment today. I am sure his girlfriend is doing more of a happy dance. He was so funny when I was talking to him we talked about our dog. He had promised me that I would always get to see her. And kept saying it upset the people in my life you seeing her. And I basically came out and said his girlfriend’s name and said it only bothers her and why it should bother her that I see a dog - don't even see you. You meet your parents and I see her at your parents so what is the big deal. He kept saying it is just a dog. I was like saying yeah it is just a dog so why does she have a problem with it lol It was funny. When I started the convo with Jim he was talking about money. Some things do not change. He talked about how much his sister and brother-in-law are making. And how much he might make at a new job and that he might get a new house. And he got a new car. And so on and so forth. Money is still way too important to him. Yes, I like that money makes me comfortable. But I am not into status of it I guess. I just want to live my life to the fullest and worrying about what everyone else has is not doing that to me. He was doing some changing right after I left and it really feels like all of it stopped and he has reverted right back into the man that I left.

I joined a new mailing list group today that Mistress DM told me about. So far it has been pretty interesting. There is a post on there about my favorite topic of late lol - Love. And I have written the author to get permission to quote some of it here. It was truly incredible.

Today Sir Nick has not been able to be online. So I am missing him. He asks me really good questions. Di and I were just talking about that. He really seems like he wants to get to know me - not just the part that wants to be beat but the insecurities, the things that make me laugh, my art, my passions. It is a good feeling. I sent him my website.... the danae one that is not finished because he wanted to read some stories I wrote and I have a few on there. Well, I had just sent him a link to the stories but of course the link to the rest of the site is there lol and he explored. And found my blogger. :) He impressed me that he read everything on my site and now is reading my blogger. He has even read some of the archives. That amazes me. I want to get to know him but I am not moving very fast on that - but he shares lots of information about himself so he shares it before I can ask questions.

Oh btw side note: I said the other day in my journal that I wonder if anyone has every read the thing start to finished beside Mistress DM and someone obvious I did not put down was Di - Di reads it every day :) When I went to the social the other night someone there told me she had too. So I thank you for reading it all the way through and hope it did not put you to sleep or scare you.

Going off in a totally different direction again :) I think it is kind of amusing the Dominants that think they can dominate me right away. I get lots of offline messages on my extreme name. And if they had read the website that goes with that name they would see that messaging me with what they did gets them ignored. I am not owned by anyone and yes I want that but I want a certain type of person and I think after reading the whole site a person can get an idea of what type of person he should be before I will even give him time. I talk to lots of people even though they do not seem to be the ones. The ones that have seemed to be the most though have had similar opening lines. More intelligent and very respectful.

Okay now another little subject. Dominants that lead by example. I am going to use the little kid analogy (which I actually like). Let’s say a father's wallet is stolen. And he says in front of his kids he is going to go steal the person that stole it - his wallet. What type of message is that send the children? That it is okay to steal. It is something in my past that I have not been thrilled with - is Dominants that go off. Not in control of their anger. Where they just get pissed at someone and say I want to kill him. And some of them have meant it *shakes head* Now to me, the best thing to do is not let that person get to you because if you are letting them get to you - they are in control you - not yourself.

Well, I am off to do some work.

I will write more later…..


Tuesday, August 14, 2001

Not a Slave

Let’s see.....

Friday evening...

I had things to do. And then last moment decided to go to the social...for a local bdsm group. I had not been in a while and so it was good to go back and be around friends.

I was suppose to go to dinner with a local Dominant. That did not happen. And I discussed with a few of my close friends at the social - something that bothered me that happened with him via emails that day. They agreed with me that it was not a good thing. Red Flag for me. And after Saturday's conversation/argument with him I am glad I did not meet him.

After having a pretty icky Thursday, disagreements basically with 3 people, plus just feeling still out of it with what happened Monday/Tuesday - I just was happy to be out and about on Friday. Sir Nick and Di made me laugh lots on Friday so that helped me a lot. Sir Nick, not sure on this name for him here yet, Di calls him Ranger Danger :) And I like that nickname too.


I got up and finished writing a story. And then talked with a few people online before doing some things around here.

I had a very interesting conversation with Mistress DM that I am still actually trying to decide if I agree with fully. She hit the nail on the head on one part. And then a few other parts I am not sure. Then I had similar conversations with Kam. So, it made me think about how I had been going about looking for HIM.

Mistress DM: you want to love and trust someone so deeply that you let him do whatever he wants to you....and because he loves you, know that he will do what you want at least some of the time

She also told me for the very first time that I am not a slave. That is weird. To hear that from her. Because she has for the longest time told me I was slave when I would say no I am not. I love to argue. Okay I better rephrase this what she said is that I do not want to be a slave and owned. And that I am not sure I totally agree with her on. I do not like saying I am slave because to me slave is a level of submission that you only get to when you are Owned. And so I am not owned and so I cannot be a slave. I am told I have what seems to be slave instincts - where the level of surrender I want is slave-like.

I want to give myself completely. I want to trust someone so deeply that I would do anything to please him and anything they asked because of that love and trust.

So that is not being a slave?

I am not sure. slave girl is a slave to me. But I wonder if others would see her as a slave or not. I want her life - well not exactly her life but I want the levels of submission, control, trust, love and so on that she has.

Mistress DM: is there anyone else in your life who can make you do things you don't want to do as easily as I do?

Danae: no

Mistress DM: better be careful then. there are men out there who are owners. like me but male. you may find yourself agreeing to be owned and then see it's not at all what you want

I do worry about that. I worry a lot that that the person I will find will not truly understand what I need and seek. Basically our discussion was that she said that owners are not fair or sensitive or compassionate or loving. And I disagree. I believe they just do things because it is what they want - the mood they are in - but I also think in the big picture they want their slave's needs to be met. Maybe I am delusional.

She told me I seek a romantic love that is not compatible with ownership. I disagree.

I was talking to Sir Nick last night. I said that I want a Master that I will have that fear in my eyes and body and feel the pain and endure but also enjoy it as I am a masochist. But I also want to have someone I can cuddle on the couch with enjoying a movie and a bowl of popcorn with. In both cases though I know where I belong. I know that basically that time is because he wants it and hopefully because he knows I need it.....that at any time though he could tell me to get off the couch and kneel before him and be used as a footstool.

Mistress DM told me that I do not have the drive to be slave...which I disagree with because I did it. I have done it a few times. Served without any regards to my feelings. Thing is though I do not think any slave will last with no regard to their feelings for long periods of time.

She said, "you don't have a drive to be owned, you want to be loved so much that the illusion is of ownership.”

I am still processing the conversation. I guess I am not sure what to make of it.

I do want to be loved. I do not think I have ever not wanted that. I do not think I always knew that but I do now. But I do not think I cannot be owned. Struggling on this topic.....guess I need more thought....

Friday, August 10, 2001


It is a good day!

I am very lucky to have Di as a good friend. I know she has been worried about me this week. I am sorry to be stressing everyone.

I smiled and laughed lots today. And I needed that so much. :)

So I am thanking Di and the other person that made me smile and laugh today.


Thursday, August 09, 2001

Called Jim

And to add to it....

I just called my ex husband lol.....

oh so the right thing to do NOT lol


F**cking Week

Life just keeps getting better and better this week.....

Trying to have a conversation with someone who has been a part of my life....and we just were not seeing eye to eye and things were said that both of us took the wrong way and hurt each other....just need to agree to disagree. This week I am extra sensitive and take things very personally to top things off.

I am being neurotic this week too lol...

It has been a great f***ing week....


Run Off

Two quotes I saw today....I have read the second before.

If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it." ~ John Irving ~

"And he said, 'Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that it's heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.'." ~ Kahlil Gibran ~
'The Prophet'

There is a Dominant that I was talking to about a year ago...that recently started talking to me again. His name is Sir David. Today we are talking about some D/s things. I question. I question LOTS! I know I do this because of trust and security issues that I had in my previous relationships.

Basically we had a conversation that he feels all questions should be answered. And so I said if I asked why after you told me to go get you a cup off would answer my question. And he said yes. He said: "how else do you learn to be the best you can be." I have known all to many Dominants that do not answer questions. And when I have asked why I have to do something I do not get an answer - I get told just to obey and not question. Now in reality I don't think I should have all my questions answered because I, at times, feel it is a control thing with me. But it also is a security thing with me. I need most questions answered so I can learn to trust and feel secure in the relationship. Sir David said, "Doing as told - serving/pleasing is great. obeying is great," but that he wanted to help me grow and answering questions will help me grow. He felt and I agree that some Dominants to do not answer questions because it requires thought and they cannot think past their orders or their "dicks." And he felt others do not answer questions because they realize you will learn and grow and they feel threatened by that.

I have seen that in my life more then once. You would think I would learn....I am learning faster though so I guess that is good. I mean that same thing does not take me as long to notice as it did.

There is a Dominant I recently had been talking to (of the same time period that Sir David when I first started talking to him) and he was not answering my questions. None of them. So I wrote him to tell him that what is best for me is someone that I can trust and without having some of my questions answers trust will not be built. It was hard to write him as he pushed a lot of my buttons. Todd did not answer lots of my questions. And so I guess I learned my lesson. And so I am not doing that again.

Todd...I should be writing about him right now. But I am not going to. I wish him happiness in his love and be loved without boundaries.

Mistress DM said something to me tonight that I thought was interesting....well she has said more then one thing but this is something that is standing out still in my mind...

Mistress DM: will you at least promise not to run off with a dominant who won't let you say good-bye to your friends? I understand the point of "proving" obedience, but it always seemed to me that a decent human being is going to consider the friends, if not the submissive's piece of mind

I thought that was interesting because I have heard that a lot lately. People telling me to not just leave without saying good-bye. I think it is interesting as I would not want a Dominant who would make me give up my friends. I think they would see that who I am is partly because of my friends.

I told Mistress DM that...and she came back with some more very thoughtful words. :)

Mistress DM: if a lot of people are telling you something, it's something you are feeling yourself. because the world is a mirror of yourself---you create in it a reflection of your inner self so, *you* believe you'll run off with someone and *you* are worried about what that would mean

I want to run off....

Today I even told someone that I would like to run off and just escape. I do not want to deal with the feeling that I am feeling.

I have noticed when I am stressed. I am in more pain. Changing topics as I am not going to talk about the feelings I am feeling right now. I started having a period again today also. And I think it is from stress. Also I noticed when I am stressed my business slows down it is like the universe is trying to slow me down to deal with this stuff. There has been times of stress - work has been busy but it was when I was needing the work to keep me going and focus on something else. So I guess I am suppose to be feeling these things feelings I am right now.

Scene in Meet Joe Black....

Joe Black says something about it being hard to let go...and Anthony Hopkin's character, Bill, comes back with "That's life."

Why am i thinking about that now? *shakes head*

Hard to let go...I must be living my life.....

Tuesday, August 07, 2001


Well not even sure how to describe today.

Not one of my better days......

Not sure of what to write....

Not sure of much right now....

That is not completely true. I am sure of what I want and seek still. That is just stronger.

Nothing else to say right now....


Sunday, August 05, 2001

Meet Joe Black

It is late and I am up of course. Tonight I watched the movie Meet Joe Black. I bought it the other night. I was in KMart talking on my cell to a Dominant. And I went through the movies and saw this one. It kind of leaped off the shelf at me :)

It is amazing to reread things or see things again and see things that you never saw the first time. Now the dialog in the movie that I have written about a few times is semi-fresh in my mind.


It is amazing that dialog. I want to watch it again and write it all down. I want to capture it.

So once again here it is only this time fresh from seeing it about an hour ago....

The brother-in-law and Joe are having a conversation about love...

Explaining love....

The brother-in-law tells Joe that his wife knows all his dark secrets about him...knows all the good and bad. Please know I am not quoting this just doing it by memory - feeling. Joe, I think, asked like what and the brother-in-law said something like that it was not one set thing it just was that she just knew and still loved him. And when both people know each other so deeply that they know all the good and bad - that they are in love and it sets them fear. It sets them free.

And that is the part that is missing from my life....being set free with love. Which to me is loving without boundaries.

Morgan...I should have loved that way. She saw all the good and bad in me without me telling her ONE thing. She knew the pain in me. She knew my desires and needs. She knew all the boxes I keep inside locked up. She knew it all. She tried to show me her but I blocked it because it scared me. I think I knew it would free me and I was scared to be happy. Scared of what it would mean to love a society.

Jim...I talked to Kam briefly about him tonight and my love for Jim. I tried to love Jim like Morgan loved me. I saw all Jim's good and bad and loved him - it scared me and I even felt I was not a good person for him. Which just made me think of the scene with Anthony Hopkins is trying to tell Joe he cannot bring his daughter with him because he does not really love his daughter because he has not shown her the true self. And because he is not thinking of what is best for her. I actually think I was REALLY good for Jim. He did things he would have never done because of me. He also did things because he married me that he should not have - because it was not best for him. But best for his "Family." Anyway I feel I saw Jim. I accepted.... there is that word.....

I always use love and acceptance together. :)

I accepted Jim. Thing was he did not accept me....

Okay Kam...

I showed Kam all of me. Kam has seen more of me that any sane person should have to. But I am not sure if Kam saw me without me telling him. That might hurt him. I think I started out unsure what to do with Kam. He was my Master and that was my obey and serve. Love...not sure when love came into play or even what kind of love it is with Kam. The love didn't set us free though. So was it really love?

Todd - oh gee - like it is a surprise his name is here. I let Todd see who I was even when it scared me he would walk away. He eventually did. The key though is....he did not *want* to see me. He just wanted to see what he wanted but not all of me. I am very intense...too intense at times. He did not want me see him but I did see parts of him. Which I am sure I could have LOTS of people argue with me on lol I did see parts of him and I loved him and accepted him. And I feel he did not accept himself though. And I have become a firm believer until you can accept and love yourself you cannot love another.

There are other people names who should be here....probably, but I need some sleep. Busy day for me tomorrow. I do not get a day off this week.

I have lots of things I need to write about with that movie. Parts where I will probably watch and pause and write about.

The thing she, the daughter, saw about him...was that he was not really who he said he was....

interesting huh?

She fell in love with an illusion....

gawd I know how she feels....


ps: I cried today - long before watching the movie. Really cried. Though....I am not done and I know that. First time I cried. Wonder why now...I think I know though.

and another....

ps: I was in lots of pain today. Yes, I have a doctor appointment. Just need the nerve to go. Mistress DM asked if she needed to fly here to...i think she was implying fly here and drag me by my hair lol

Thursday, August 02, 2001

Mistress DM

I have not written since Sunday. And I mentioned that to Di this morning and she got on my case lol I had to add that *grins*

Lets see....I guess I have not wrote much as I have been really busy with work. We are so busy this week I feel like I have not sat down for a moment. :) That is a good thing.

I have been reading slave girl's posts a lot lately. I go through times where I do not have time to read them and then other times where I crave to get the next one.

She had some friends staying with her that have started a D/s relationship. All the post talking about them and how they are the submissive is evolving especially, I relate to a lot.

Here is the url for the slave girl is amazing. She is amazing. :) The post on the 7/28 really hit home. And then one she did today. Her friend had her first punishment. It made me think of past punishments. The most recent especially. I was mostly, I feel, disciplined with Todd but once very soon into our relationship I was punished. And I thought of it after I read that post. My first thoughts when reading the post how horrible it would be to be watched. Such a personal - intimate moment and be watched. I mean I understand they are very close friends but I am not sure I would get the same things out of it as I would being alone. I mean if Todd had done that punishment lets say in front of Di, I would not have reacted the way I did. I would not have cried. I would have probably made it worse and tried to fight him on it too. *hates thinking I would do that I think I would*

Impact. Weird how things Impact your life......

Sorry rambling. I am in a weird mood today....I feel distracted yet. There is nothing that is really distracting me. I mean today I do not feel like I am being pulled in a million directions like I had been feeling.

*shaking head* Took a drink of my diet coke. I was trying to decide if I could talk about something here because of all the people reading it right now would give them clues that they do not deserve yet..nice of me huh? Anyway my next thought was "so what" I write it here and not like they would read it anyway. It made me wonder if anyone had really ever read the *whole* thing. Yes, there is LOTS here but just made me curious and then I realized there is a Dominant that has.....Mistress DM.

Here is someone who knows me better then I know myself at times. Who can obviously make me feel submissive. Can turn me on. Can control me. Has power over me. There is lots that intrigues me about her. And yet, I won't submit to her in even short term. Now looking at all that she me, for me and so on I know I have people asking me why would I not be with her. Hell, I have had a few Dominants I have been in relationships with ask me why I do not get involved with her. And the only thing I can say is...I want a male.

Mind racing....I know not surprised neither....

Thinking of Don...I dreamed of the bathtub last night. It went between images of him and I - to images of someone else. I was kneeling next to the tub - over the edge. And the man was behind me fucking my ass and he would push my head down into the water. Then pull me up just to take a breath and push me down again and keep fucking me. Nice huh? *grin*

Well, something just happened that I am not going to write about, but it involves on of the Dominants I am talking to. There are several Dominants I am talking to and thinking about right now, but I am not writing here. I am writing about them in an offline journal - trying see which would be best for me - if any.

I need to get going busy....

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