Monday, September 30, 2002

I am not sure what to write tonight….

I have starred at the blank page before me for 10 minutes.

I hate when it is like this…full of words that won’t come out and play. Full of unexpressed thoughts and feelings welling up inside…ready to burst out in a way that….does not seem to make sense or productive.

Today….I chatted with someone online that I have not talked to ages. We have had some emails every 4 to 5 months. But not chatted online for years actually. The talk…has had my mind reeling all day. I actually got to talk to her 2 times today. It was interesting both times. I have missed her very much.

Her service though does not really allow room for friends….it seems. And so we often go months and month without contact.

She has been one those people in my life who has seen me at my worst and still loves me.

New topic….

I feel disconnected tonight.

The lack of contact with Monseigneur E is starting to really wear on me. I know that the plans have changed. He thought I would have visited by now but it has not worked that way. But we went from talking several times a week to now…about once a week. And it is really hard to keep opening up when we don’t talk. Also, I have been having issues with that I have to ask permission to masturbate but yet I don’t have contact. I can call anytime…but that is really kind of hard in my situation right now. I am always very grateful when I get permission for that and also to play – BDSM play.

I have been thinking lots of Morgan and Todd.

This quote I am going to end this blog with….is by Richard Bach. Richard Bach is one of Todd’s favorite authors.

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly." - Richard Bach

Saturday, September 28, 2002

Just a quickie…

I am staying with Moni and Michael right now. Lisa has family in and so I just wanted to get out of there way. It will be easier to be here also since Carpe Diem is tonight. So now I don’t have so far to drive.

I crawled into bed with Moni this morning…and woke her up with my nightmare. I hate when I do that…I feel bad for waking the people that I sleep with up. Maybe that is one reason I push hard to sleep alone. Even though I remember when I slept with Todd…I loved that feeling. And I missed it when we were away from each other at night.

I am starting to get anxiety over my birthday coming up. I am looking at my life and where it is and doing one of those things…like what have I accomplished…what do I have to show for my life. That type of thing. I am getting depressed about it. I know exactly what I want. I have probably known since I was 18 but admitting it just took a little while lol

I know this will not make sense but I have been alone….all my life. I know everyone sees me as being in relationships. But I really was not in a way also. I never gave into the relationships like I should have. I never trusted and opened up…to be in the relationship. Todd was the first person I really started doing that with. I did not open up with Morgan….I did not need to though…she knew it. She knew me…just like I knew her just by looking at her. It was so incredible….looking into her soul…the light the warmth…the love. I miss that.

Last night we went and saw Sweet Home Alabama. It was a good movie. Definitely a date movie. And that made me miss going on a date. I miss the talking over dinner….talking those talks that you talk about the world and look into the eyes of recognition staring back at you…knowing they understand and accept. And then laughing and just having fun. Kissing…holding hands. Silly thing to miss huh?

Friday, September 27, 2002

One of the lists I am on is talking about Freedom found in surrender/submission/slavery.

I have been giving it some thought.

I believe there is freedom in submission. I have felt that freedom for little periods of time.....the time that impacted me the most though...was with Don in the first part of our relationship.

I felt freedom in my boundaries. I knew what he wanted, expected, demanded...and knowing that helped me feel free of life's junk. I had responsibilities....I didn't stop thinking then....but life was easier then. I felt like I was living life too not just going with the day in and day out of it...I felt it. I felt happening. I did not have to "make" myself into something to make the relationship work. I could just be actions, my words, my emotions.........submitting to his Dominance. It was so clear and right.

I wish it would have stayed that way.....

Anyway....since then.....I have not really found that freedom. I get little tastes of it....but then something happens.

It has always seemed to me that...that I have "too" much for the Dominants I encounter. One of the girls on the list was talking about that she was too emotional, too intense, too strong....and I could relate to that.

I want to be with someone who I can be me with and them not get scared by what they see. I have problems and issues. And I want someone who is willing to help me with those issues and not be scared of them.

Okay next topic....

Lisa needs to take her next test and do one other everyone needs to bug her about it :) lol We joked last night that I could send her email's everyday reminding her. And then Bill just said why don't you post it in the blogger so everyone can know and bug her lol SOOOOOOOOOOO! :)

Yesterday afternoon...I finally ventured out. I was being a hermit...which I told Lisa I would do. But I also did not do all of my hermit things lol I did not close them out. But I did not venture far from home. So yesterday I did. I went to Gabe's ohhhhh this one out here had SO MUCH that I wanted. I then went to Wal-Mart which seems to be the place to it was very busy! I got to wonder around there and then went to a couple of other stores. Ate some dinner and came back about 9pm. When I got back, I reminded Lisa of something one of the boys needed for school and so we ran out to get it and got to have some time together. We went to the park and just talked. It was nice. She wanted to know how I feeling about knowing that the trip to see Monseigneur E and Linda is kind of up in the air...and in limbo on *when* it is going to happen.

I don't like that my life is still in limbo. I several things going on the first half of October that I want to be here for but I also want to be there. I have set up the October meeting for SMART. And I really want to be here for that....especially if the person who is speaking brings his slave...who is someone I love...and was involved with. And her Master is a really a great guy and I look forward to speaking to him and hearing him speak at SMART.

I was thinking of maybe putting a party together after the SMART it is my Birthday the night before SMART so a party would be fun and also maybe get a chance to see the speaker play and that is always see how people I admire play. :) So that is just something I am thinking about....

Yesterday.....I was chatting with Monseigneur E.....

We have not had a lot of time to chat for several weeks. And so I was happy to be chatting with him. In the conversation he had me do something that made me feel anger. I knew right away it was irrational anger. I told him I was feeling angry and so he had me stop what we were doing which of course upset me. So I was a mixture of emotions. I wanted the attention but I was mad at that attention....which makes no sense. After he logged off, someone I respect, admire and bounce things off of....messaged me. So I explained what happened to her. And in explaining....I realized something I typed and said. I was upset that I was getting attention when it was "inconvenient for me." It was kind of like...."oh great now after weeks of wanting when I have things going on...and am in a situation where it is not convenient is now when he is giving me attention." Nice and fair and submissive of me huh? Ugggh I hate when I get like that. I see it for what it is...I should have informed him of the situation. I should know it is....not always about me (like how I slipped that always in there).

Here he was giving me something I really really wanted and I screwed it up....Why couldn't I have been so grateful and thankful for the time and attention? Why did I have to get angry? Why....uggghhh

I want to serve and please him and yet I never seem to do it smoothly. I want to learn......and hope I can at some point....

First I gave up action,
Then idle words,
And lastly thought itself.

Now I am here.

Ridding my mind of distraction,
I shut out sounds and all the senses,
And I am here.

-Ashtavakra Gita 12:1-2

From "The Heart of Awareness: A Translation of the
Ashtavakra Gita," by Thomas Byrom, 1990.

Thursday, September 26, 2002

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Even if there are some underlying tensions building throughout the day, things have the opportunity to stay on a pretty even keel. There can be some miscommunications, perhaps involving someone’s interpretation of one of your ideas. The unusual thing is, that if you can let go of some control, their misunderstanding can actually bring about a conversation that leads to even better ideas.

Wednesday, September 25, 2002

Being Normal

I am going to try to make this a quickie as I am really really tired. I have not been sleeping well at all. I just watch the clock all night or wake up frequently….with and without nightmares.

I start to write and everything that comes out…seems private right now.

I have needs that are not being met to me. My wants that definitely aren’t but have not for a while. I have things going on with Nick that…I am dealing with but lack of contact also does not make it “feel” better. I just wish I were with Monseigneur E and Linda right now. I am starting to have anxiety about visiting them. I have things that I am trying to figure out about October but waiting on a date of when I will be visiting to do so. Money issues always around. I am thinking about something I used to do and how I want to do that again. And what that would mean to the people in my life.

I just have like these issues pop up and they hang around in the background but aren’t totally bothering me but also I am not completely relaxed because of them. I mean it is not really stress like I had in August.

Random notes….(Buffy spoilers ahead)

Watched TV 2 nights in a row! Wooo hoooo! LOL Really I don’t watch TV. There is not really a lot I want to watch. And the news I get online. But last night I watched the season premiere of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. SPOILER

I liked Buffy….I like the look of it this year so far. Xander pulling up in a nice car and wearing a suit to me seemed like he finally grew up and that is a good thing. Willow off with Giles in England to “recover” - I liked. Willow is who I drool over on the show. And then Spike too, but I don’t understand why I drool over Spike, as he really is not my type. James Marsters did a really good job in this first episode of the season. I liked the principle. I liked that they were more hmm diverse with an African American principle. And then Dawn’s new friend is Hispanic. It is about time with the show. The ending really stumped me on where they are going to go with this season. But I do know it looked interesting!

Okay other TV show I watched was most of the 2 hours season premiere of West Wing. And I just like that show. I like most of the politics on it too…. Nick is cringing as I say that LOL

The last little speech by Toby…I actually could relate to my life…right now….and how I feel about going on my trial with Monseigneur E. It is why I have not given up or backed out….even in the rough times that it really crossed my mind if I was doing the right thing being involved with someone like him….because how we think is so different.

But not to pump his ego or make his head swell lol….

He seems different and worth it….

Even when I was going through a time of thinking about asking for my control back….I knew I had to go. That never changed in my mind. And Bill…I think got that. He seemed to understand that. I am glad he did. I don’t know if I do lol

Next thing because it won’t leave my mind right now….

And not tooting my own horn because I really don’t understand WHY this is happening now…

But everyday for the last week…I have had someone express interest in me. And I don’t understand now that I am not available why that happens….

Anyway, I mentioned it to someone…and how he replied bothered me. Not sure why. He has said something similar to me before and it bothered me then too.

Bill bought a single tail on Ebay and it came today. And so he was snapping the darn thing! LOL And it was making me all wiggly lol And of course he knew that and so he just teased me more! Lisa and Bill have this relationship I can’t even begin to describe. It is very loving. Many things about Bill remind me of Jim. HEY I do like Bill though! : ) Actually, I love Jim still - it is just hard to stay with someone who thinks you are unfaithful and a freak. And Bill obviously has a more open mind then Jim did….he just has other personality characteristics that are similar to Jim’s. Anyway, Bill and Lisa have this really neat relationship. And as I told Moni the other night - it made me crave to be normal. The other night they were a family sitting down having dinner. Talking at the table, eating, laughing, and just having a nice time. It was nice.

Have you ever had someone who tells you a story and they are saying I know I am really out there….I bet you have never heard of anything like I just told you….and you don’t want to hurt their feelings….because what they told you was tame compared to most of your everyday life? That happened to me today LOL I just nodded and smiled politely lol

I suppose I should get to bed…I have quite a few things I want to do tomorrow.

Just like a blossom,
bright colored
but scentless:
a well-spoken word
is fruitless
when not carried out.

-Dhammapada, 4, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.
An act of meditation is actually an act of faith--of faith in your spirit, in your own potential. Faith is the basis of meditation. Not of faith in something outside you--a metaphysical buddha, an unattainable ideal, or someone else's words. The faith is in yourself, in your own "buddha-nature." You too can be a buddha, an awakened being that lives and responds in a wise, creative, and compassionate way. -Martine Batchelor, "Meditation for Life"

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

I am adding archives to the tripod site…since blogger ate my other archives. I have Feb 2002 - July 2002, April, August, and December of 2001, and then Oct through Dec 2000. So there are some gaps to fill in still but it is a start. I started my blogger in Oct 2000.

Here is the link to the archives…
Buffy season premiere is tonight! :)

Monday, September 23, 2002

Music: Pink

Saturday I talked to Nick on the phone and then after talking to him I talked to Monseigneur E. I had to ask permission for a few things for Saturday night. We had, I thought, a very good discussion. Several issues I have been mulling over were….cleared up. The things he said on the phone were said in a way that seemed to be a better way for me to understand them. And for the first time I understood some of what he meant…that I have been struggling with up until this point.

And also for the first time I felt regret in how I handled a situation that we have been going around and around on. Even though I still believe it went against my beliefs and being true to myself. I saw what it was saying about my commitment to him. And I had not seen that before. And I felt like I had let him down…I guess. That is not the exact words of what I am meaning. But it is the closest I can come to right in this moment.

Also a discussion about reacting…we were totally on different pages. I thought we were talking about a more specific kind of reacting when we were really talking about it more generally. And now after knowing that….I can see how the topic ended how it did. And that was not clear until talking on the phone also.

After I hung up the phone it felt like this weight was lifted off my shoulders. I still need to talk to Monseigneur E and Linda about some things but I feel more excited about visiting then I had…and that is a good thing to me. I actually mentally started packing…thinking of things I need to bring with me. And I had not done that to this point.

Saturday night we (Bill, Lisa and I) went to SMART. Lisa looked very pretty! : ) The topic was pony play. Not something I am totally interested in but supporting SMART. I am looking forward to next month as someone I admire is speaking. And also his slave is someone I care about and so I am hoping he brings her with him : )

I had the chance and permission to play but…I said no. I said no because right now I feel that tears would come very easy. And really I am just sick of crying. I have had so much in my life that I have cried about lately and I just don’t want to cry anymore.

There is something I had happen recently and I am not sure how to address here. I am going to do it in a round about way.

I recently had a wonderful woman tell me she has a crush on me. And I am very flattered : ) She understands right now my commitment is to Monseigneur E and Linda. I just don’t want to hurt her because my commitment is with them. It feels like a situation that I had with someone else in my life. And that ended very badly. I just don’t want to hurt this person at all. I don’t want there to be any false hopes. And I don’t want our friendship to stop because I am not able to give more then friendship. I do care about her and think she is so pretty and sensual…but right now Monseigneur E and Linda are first.

And I know she knows this….she told me my mind is already there with them the other morning. That was after my talk with him on Saturday. Really that is true…I am there…already. Which really is a good thing considering that I was really worried about some of the issues that were coming up I was concerned about not getting worked through enough to be on the same page. And now I believe that even with the communication problems we have…it is feasible to learn to understand each other and work towards a middle ground.

I just pulled a Rune…and I did not quite understand what it was trying to say to me and so I pulled another. And it sounds like it is saying the same thing. But it did use a few different lines…and I am not quite sure how to look at that in my life. Or with what is going on in my life is more the question.

Next topic…affection. I am such a strange duck when it comes to affection. I want it. But I am also scared of it. The image that just came to mind….after I wrote that….was of Todd and I holding hands…the first time he held my hand.

I remember that first time so clearly…him reaching out and grabbing my hand as we were walking through the parking lot. I remember the touch…of his fingers slide around my hand…and what it felt like. I looked at our hands joined together and then looked up at him…he was smiling at me…like he knew. He knew what it would do to me. Maybe he did.

Back to the topic of affection…I am moody about it. The other day I needed a hug and yet I did not let…Lisa come close enough to do it. And why? Because I am scared of those things. I am scared of affection at times or at first I guess. So, I hold back. I then get to a place where I can be affectionate but…I am moody with it. I will go through times where I want hugs and touches all the time and then all of sudden I am not wanting to be touched or hugged….or not even not wanting it. There is just not the need for it like there are other times. It is weird. I really don’t understand it. I am just moody with my affection.

I am missing Kam’s hugs. With all the things that were not good with him and I always felt safe in his hugs. I felt able to relax in those moments and not worry about anything. And right now I would love one of those strong hugs. Where it is strong arms around me to let me know everything is okay.

Of course I am sure there is more I can write about…but going to stop for a while. I am singing to the music I have playing and so my concentration is getting away from me LOL
A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I fight being called a slave.....why...because there is this part of me that is scared of it....even though I have dreamed of it for so long. And reading that quote made me think that....I know....I have been thought of as have ceased to be a submissive? maybe? Just a thought....

Sunday, September 22, 2002

LOL okay so what if 2 people in a relationship are both Libra's *smiles*

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): The equinox is when the Sun returns to your sign. This your astrological birthday month and is when you recharge your solar batteries. The Sun is our main function; it is how our vitality expresses. Now is the time for you Librans to balance the scales by taking care of yourself. You are usually so good at attending to the needs of others. This is not about duty; it’s about self-_expression. It’s about you!

Friday, September 20, 2002

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): No matter what stresses are pushing your buttons, no matter what crises have exploded into your local territory, they are not going to stop you from enjoying yourself. At least that’s your general idea. Implementation may be a bit more complicated than you realize, for you don’t know everything that’s going on. Uncover the secrets and enjoyment can follow.
I have not really written anything for days. I have felt the urge but it is hard to write about the things I am thinking about. I am not sure where to begin. Or what I should say and what I should not. I am not feeling stressed but I do have some things going on in my life that aren’t great. I still feel very distant from Monseigneur E and Linda. I feel we have lots to talk about and have expressed that. I have not talked to Nick much…and there are a few reasons for that one being we just are not online at the same times and I am trying to save money by not calling so much. And then there was another reason this week too which he and I already talked about.

I had a discussion with Monseigneur E that….was hard for me as I was just thinking….not putting emotion into it. I was logical and rational. The only problem came when I was flooded with emotions afterwards. I was not happy about that because obviously in doing what I did I can’t do that with him in person. I mean I can’t turn them off and then 15 minutes after our conversation excuse myself to go let them out again. I need to learn how to put them in the back but not turn them off so much.

I have been looking at my life and looking at how I handle things. And last month being an exception to the rule. I usually handle things with thinking and emotion. I just believe I do it differently then how Monseigneur E and Linda do and so they are not recognizing it.....maybe.

I just know it is getting very frustrating for me and I am almost positive for them also....that we think differently. I say a definition is one way and then they look at it totally different. When I go to the dictionary on the word though…how I look at it…is there. And so is theirs also. Just we are different. So does that mean we are incompatible? I don’t know.

Part of me keeps thinking if….we can just get be in person maybe these…differences won’t be as great. That it is the online communication that is keeping us far…apart.

I just looked up as I finished….that last paragraph and saw my runes…and decided to pull one.

It was Gebo ~ Partnership/A Gift. One line though stood out as I read it….”For true partnership is achieved only be separate and whole beings who retain their separateness even as they unite.” Which I believe. A person needs to be a whole person before….they can even enter a healthy partnership. But to me for some reason when I read that…I read also partnerships are going to have differences because they are separate people.

On to next topic…this week has been kind of interesting as I have had lots of people contact me that I have not talked to in a while. I showed Aydeen a picture of one of them and she was wondering why I have not said yes I will visit! He is absolutely gorgeous. Okay I know I am being shallow…it is a rare occasion for me : ) And yes I know it is him as I have seen him on his cam many times. He is Dominant of course. He and I have been friends for almost a year. I never pursued thing with him because 2 reasons….Nick and this man lives in Italy. So distance is a little problem lol

Other people have contacted me also that….I had not hear from in a while. It was nice to talk to old friends. SM is one person I talked to also this week. I miss chatting with him. I told him about something else that happened this week and he said he wished he had friends like mine. I have been talking to Michael quite a bit lately too. : )

We had a girl’s night out last night. We went to the winery again. It is so nice there. Peaceful.

I want to write more…I actually have lots of feelings I could vent about. But none of them seem to be something I should do here right now. And I have my reasons : ( I know not good that I am censoring. But I don’t want what I am feeling to be taken wrong or hurt anyone’s feelings.

Thursday, September 19, 2002

As a caterpillar, having come to the end of one blade of grass, draws itself together and reaches out for the next, so the Self, having come to the end of one life and dispelled all ignorance, gathers in his faculties and reaches out from the old body to a new. -Brihadaranyaka Upanishad

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

Just read this...."Expectations are pre-planned resentments."

Tuesday, September 17, 2002

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): If you are experiencing money pressures (yeah, I know…who isn’t these days?), it may be because you haven’t been paying enough attention to where your dollars actually go. You may be living with illusions about what you have. You are tempted to overspend, indulging yourself in pleasures that you may not be able to afford. Face the music and do what you need to do in order to make ends meet.
That first...paragraph of the song....I know it is called something else then a paragraph but I have a brain freeze....:) I knew it said pleasure and pain in it lol :)

"Black Black Heart" by David Usher

Something ugly this way comes
Through my fingers sliding inside
All these blessings all these burns
I'm godless underneath your cover
Search for pleasure search for pain
In this world now I am undying
I unfurl my flag my nation helpless

Black black heart why would you offer more
Why would you make it easier on me to satisfy
I'm on fire I'm rotting to the core
I'm eating all your kings and queens
All your sex and your diamonds

As I begin to lose my grip
On these realities your sending
Taste your mind and taste your sex
I'm naked underneath your cover
Covers lie and we will bend and borrow
With the coming sign
The tide will take the sea will rise and time will rape

Black black heart why would you offer more
Why would you make it easier on me to satisfy
I'm on fire I'm rotting to the core
I'm eating all your kings and queens
All your sex and your diamonds

Black black heart why would you offer more
Why would you make it easier on me to satisfy
I'm on fire I'm rotting to the core
I'm eating all your kings and queens
All your sex and your diamonds
All your sex and your diamonds
All your sex and your diamonds
All your sex and your diamonds
All your sex and your diamonds
Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. - Harold Whitman

Monday, September 16, 2002

Music: John Mayer, Norah Jones, David Usher
Rune: Ehwas ~ Movement/Progress - Reversed

Yes, another entry in one day! WOW feels like old times! *grin*

I feel more calm and relaxed about things here in Ohio then I have in months. I look back at the last month and am glad that roller coaster ride is over. I am glad I am on my way to quiet again.

I would say that Monseigneur E and Linda see the last month much differently then I do...and I look at it and then hear what those are saying who are right here in my life and even those that know me real life long distance and everyone seems to have the same opinion. So about a dozen people plus myself can't be wrong, right? I mean most of those see me and know me here in they know how I am reacting, dealing, what my life is really like...

I know I am right in my life. I have gone through the things I have had to for reasons. And I have reacted and done the things I have for reasons. And even if they are not always clear...I know that my calming down right now because of me.

When I talked to Sir Laz last week one thing that kept coming back was that I don't get the impression Monseigneur E and Linda accept me. And as I said to him...I don't think they see the reality of my life and who I am actually...and so they are basing their judgments on a little bit of the complete picture. They see parts. I mean talking a couple hours online a week is not really a way for a person to get a clear picture of reality...of another’s life.

On to another topic....I talked to Jackie last week! :) It was a good conversation. I am glad we had a chance to talk. We have been exchanging emails for a while on and off. But it was really good to talk to her on the phone. And we view that time in our life....the same. It was messed up.

When she left, is when I took control back and started to do what was best for me. I look back at the last 2 years and know that it was not perfect but I see all I did with my life and am very proud and happy :)

It is weird...I have lived in Ohio and I think of all I have done in my life and it seems like that amount of stuff should have taken place in about 10 years time instead of 4 years.

Anyway, I am glad Jackie and I are talking again. I have always loved her and that never stopped or changed. And I hope we become close again and count on each other as family. As I think of her as part of my family still.

Friday night I got drunk. I had busy day. I had a doctors appointment that got changed by they could not get a hold of me because I had not told them my new number yet. So, I got there at 9:30am and it was changed to 2:30pm. Then went to the bank and things wrong there. And with no air in my car and driving around Cleveland for other errands besides those...I was just hot and sticky and wanting some fun! So, I went and got drunk! LOL

It was karaoke night - not that I sing but it is fun to watch and listen to others. I had lots of people buying me drinks as everyone was happy to see me enjoying myself LOL It had been a long time since I had been able to just completely relax and not worry about things.

I guess I am going to sign off now....Bill should be home from work soon. And my chair broke last week so I steal his and Lisa's lol

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. -Carl Bard
A pleasure is not full grown until it is remembered. - C.S. Lewis
I did not sleep last night. Mostly because I was up worrying about things….

Communication! Ugghhhh

Reactions, thinking, feeling…it all was going through my mind last night. No wonder I did not get any sleep.

Everything is a reaction. No reaction is a reaction. Just like making no decision on something is a decision. So everything could be a reaction. Words said…the tone, the sentences they are used in, the body language of the person as they say and so many other things show the reaction.

I can at this time think of 2 people that I know that don’t react. They think through the issue/statement/emotion/thought before reacting…that is if they even react.

Last night to me…some words used were reaction and emotions though they were coming in behind the thoughts. They were not emotion based…they were thought out but to me there seemed to be emotions behind the thoughts. Is that a bad thing to me? No way. It to me is communication. It is interacting. Reaction is not a bad thing to me.

There are some reactions that can be….and that is when there is a lack of control that is detrimental to the person reacting and if they are taking it out on someone then of course that is not a good thing. But just reacting and expressing that reaction to me is not a bad thing.

As I write this …I worry that my words will be misinterpreted…and that miscommunication can start again.

I was discussing with someone early this morning that I need to vent. I vent and then many times the thing I was venting about is done…and gone. There are things that happened last night month that I vented about but at this moment I can’t tell you most of them. (Of course the one thing still is in my mind but that is going to be a while before it is repaired.) But like I said a lot of it is done and gone. I reacted by venting. And that venting in turn helped me deal with it and let it go. Seems like a good thing to me.

Sunday, September 15, 2002

The supreme happiness of life is the conviction of being loved for yourself, or, more correctly, being loved in spite of yourself.- Victor Hugo
If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down, but the staying down.- Mary Pickford
This weekend was busy.

Friday I left here at 7:30am and did not come back until Saturday 11am. Friday night Bill got a call from a drunk me…saying I was staying at Moni and Michael’s : ) I was feeling very good at the time I called him.

Then Saturday night I participated in a formal dinner here….where the submissives served the Dominants in formal mode.

Not sure how to say it went….I have very mixed feelings on it. It was, as one Dominant said, a training/learning exercise for all of us.

I talked more then I should have….out of all 3 girls I know I talked the most. I also think that is more a learning thing. Once doing this more then once we would know where...and what to do better. But things did come up that we did not talk about or know....then we had to whisper (when they were out of the room) to get things done.

There was not enough time taken to discuss protocol and rules. We needed to have more guidelines and discussion on what was to be done and how.

I had typed up some "guidelines" but not "rules" that I thought us girls could follow. I was basically in charge of telling everyone what to do…and how to do it. I sent them to everyone and asked their opinions. Because I used them as "guidelines" as there were things listed that countered each I knew we would do it one way or not the other but that I liked both ways...felt both were appropriate but did not know what way we would do yet. So the girls did things that I told them to do as I thought they were right or appropriate so to me it was not their fault on those type of things….it was mine because *I* told them to do things like that. So, I pointed out that I taught them those things because it was in the guidelines of what I sent them.

Something else I taught them was to ask if the Dominant needed something else. When we should have wait to be spoke too….and let the Dominants tell us when they wanted something. And again I taught the other girls to do that. So that was my fault.

I was sorry that things I did that caused the girls to get criticized for them. But all in all it was a good learning experience for everyone.

One thing that….the one thing that I am not wanting to write about but need to….

I did not enjoy last night. But I wanted to others to enjoy themselves. It was a learning experience for me though.

I did not look forward to it or get excited about last night. I wasn’t nervous. The reason being….basically that was because I was not “owned.” It would be different serving my owner. Not that I don’t care for the Dominants that were present - I do very much. They are good friends and I am very happy to serve them. But it does not feel the same when you serve your Owner.

Then I heard Monseigneur E in my head saying “You are doing this in service to me.” And really…unfortunately…that did not make it any better. I just still felt like it was something I was doing for my friends first but not him or myself. I would do it again for them in a heartbeat though. And I did learn things.

Everyone has been asking how things are going with Monseigneur E and Linda. We all need to talk. I have not talked to Monseigneur E since Tuesday. But chatted with Linda on Thursday I believe.

Oh something else happened last night that was a combination of things…

The whole evening I realized I really did not “ask” permission for any of the evening. I told Monseigneur E about it and things that were planned except one thing…which I will get to in a moment. But I know that when I talked to Monseigneur E about it he could have said something…that he did not want me to participate in it or do some things.

There was one more thing that was planned that I did not get a chance to ask Monseigneur E permission for and I started to do it and then realized I had not. And it was more to me then just serving dinner, so that really got to me and it just felt “wrong” to me. It, I thought, was something I needed to ask about. So I stopped for the main reason of I had not asked permission.

Also going from serving to having to top was just not a good smooth transition for me even though I did not feel submissive last night. Then something else…I do not top in front of others. Just one of my little things. I don’t like topping so if I do top I like to top in private.

But over all the evening was a good experience. And I hope everyone had fun : )

Thursday, September 12, 2002

I have not done a journal entry in a couple days…

See when things are calm…I don’t write all that much. But I would like too because people seem to get the impression that it is one “trauma” after another when really it was just a bad August.

I am feeling more and more relaxed each day. I hope to be fitting into a groove of what I can do to help around here more soon. I have been watching to see their (Bill and Lisa’s family) routines, how they do things, where things go, when they do things and try to process it all so that I can just kind of step in and start doing things to make their lives easier. I know it will get easier as I go on…it was that way at Sir Laz’s and Aydeen’s the first time I visited. I felt better about just taking the initiative to do household chores after I knew what worked for them.

I remember doing the same when I first came to Ohio to be Kam’s…I asked questions of the other submissives, I watched how they did things, I studied his habits and learned what he liked and did not like….see it is about getting in their head just as much as they get in ours. Not that Bill and Lisa and I need to get in each others head we are not in a Power Exchange. But I am very grateful to them for letting me live with them and I want to help contribute to this household : )

Kind of new topic…People always seem to wonder about poly and kids and how it works. And whenever I have been involved with poly and kids in the household it never seems like it is a problem. The kids don’t question it really. They just kind of adapt and make their own decisions on it. Every “family” I have been involved with has always just accepted me as part of their family. And ever “family” that came into my life…I just accepted as family too. It just falls into place to me. I had been thinking about poly issues again lately. Holidays, kids, family type things. I just think about how hard it will be if I am in a poly lifestyle to not be able to tell my mom and dad about my family. About how much I care for them. I never had to get that far in explaining it to my mom and dad with Kam and I and our poly family. I just wonder how it will work. Holidays…also…Thanksgiving….each person is invited to their families homes…where do you go…how do you explain this other person (people). I am not a good liar I believe my Mom would know that I was involved with both (or all) of them.

Yesterday I did not post either, because…it was 9/11 and I just did not know what to say about it all…if anything. So, I opted not to write.

I got sleep yesterday! Yes really! I was thrilled lol I guess it finally caught up with me. I ended up sleeping most of the day but it felt so good.

Things I want to write about sometime soon…more on poly, when to keep quiet as a submissive, acceptance, and formal dinners.

Great occasions do not make heroes or cowards; they simply unveil them to the eyes. Silently and imperceptibly, as we wake or sleep, we grow strong or we grow weak, and at last some crisis shows us what we have become. - Bishop Westcott

Tuesday, September 10, 2002

Music: Cable TV Music Channel - Adult Contempory
Rune: Inguz ~ Fertility, New Beginnings

Today…for me is good. Really…I am serious! lol

I am getting things accomplished. Washed dishes, took the dog for a walk, and then started on downstairs…getting unpacked, moved boxes, got my desk pretty much set up like I wanted.

I feel really good. I do. I know that probably sounds strange even with the things still going on. But I do feel good. I know it has to do a lot with letting go of some things last night and now today I talked to Sir Laz and that helped get some thing out that I needed to and let go of them also.

I started to slow down about 1pm but then talked to Sir Laz and now feel energized again. I was really really hyper this morning. I only had about 4 hours sleep last night so I am happy that I am feeling so good and accomplishing so much.

I have let go of a lot of things…and I am glad about that.

I also see the heart of some issues I have…have nothing to do with what went on…only the reactions to what went on. I still am regretful of the moment I was not able to have and I don’t feel everything is being seen how it really is here or moreso the issue is I am not being seen how *I really am*….that is what I am perceiving at least. But I *want* to get things worked out and I want to keep going forward. LDR sucks lol

Anyway…I want to get back to my center and be excited about going to see Monseigneur E and Linda.

Monday, September 09, 2002

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): It’s difficult for you to maintain any semblance of balance today. Your mind is made up and you are ready to act on your decision. Your own sense of who you are depends upon what you do now, but it’s as if your hands are tied. You cannot act as directly as you’d like. In fact, you may be re-thinking what you thought you already knew.

Sunday, September 08, 2002

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): With the Moon back in your own sign, it will be difficult to keep your feelings from showing, even though you are in a larger cycle of hiding behind a closed door. Of course, this is a metaphor. I’m not picturing you literally cowering inside a dark closet. But symbolically, there you are—you don’t want to be seen, yet you want your feelings to be heard.
I have AWESOME friends!

I am officially at my new home....Bill and Lisa's :)

Okay....lets see where to I begin....

Last week I got stuck....moving. I mean I would look at all there was to do just get stuck. I hate when that happens. I also did not have a phone so I did not ask for help or reach out in my stress.

On Friday I had it with Salvation Army and other things going on and so I came over with a load and spent the night. There was a street fair here...Lisa and I walked through it and got some dinner. It was fun to people watch and just kind of unwind. I did not sleep at all on Friday night so on Saturday I got up and left for Cleveland pretty early. I got to Cleveland and went straight to bed for a little bit because I had been so tired driving back.

I was lying down when I thought I heard a knock at the door. It was Moni...she came to talk to me and tell me she was coming on Sunday to move me all the way out. She told me she am glad she did it even though it was hard and I was procrastinating and pretending....I was okay.

So today Moni, Michael, Katrina and Bill came over and moved me out. I can't believe all the help they were...there was no way I could ask for the help and so it was really good that Moni just told me she was coming over. It was hard though...leaving. I had break downs of tears. When I got here Lisa and all the kids helped us all move things, to my new room :)

Last night I went to Moni and Michael's for dinner (and dinner was awesome btw) and cried there telling Moni about some stuff that had went on the week Kam left. I needed to talk and she needed to tell me the things she did...I am glad we were able to talk. I sobbed on the way home and so I stopped on the way home and called Nick sobbing...

I called him 2 other times sobbing like that....once when I broke up with someone and then I asked Di if she was seeing Todd. This time...I just needed to hear...everything is going to be okay. So between my sobbing...I squeaked out, "please just tell me everything is going to be okay." Because I needed to hear that....hear that I could do this...hear I am going to be okay and make it through.

And he told me that and more....helping me get through this....helping me get through today. I then cried a little with Moni today but laughed as I cried lol

I just got sad..and also mad about some things I need to get mad about...

Right now....

I feel good that I am done with moving.

Ask me things I really

Saturday, September 07, 2002

I am really tired so this will be a quickie....

I am at Bill and Lisa's tonight. I will I hope be here officially on Sunday night. Salvation Army kind of threw my plans off this week.

I am feeling....tired, annoyed, sad, calm....tired from not sleeping and going and going and going. Annoyed by people and why they don't get it and wonder when they will get a life of their own and stop worrying about mine. Sad because of Kam, the last 4 years...greiving process I guess. Calm...because...I am here and not worrying about things. Just enjoyed talking with Lisa tonight...and relaxed a little bit. I am nervous and anxious about what will happen with me....but I also am mostly just kind of letting things go for now and worry about today not tomorrow.

Last nights meditation talked about of needing rest. Rest for the mind. I am gonig to go to bed and rest my mind...well try to at least.

Friday, September 06, 2002

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): The month ahead will present you with situations that seem to be beyond your control, but in fact may be connected with aspects of your inner self that need _expression. You may have to look deep within your own subconscious to see what your role is in the obstacles that you are facing. Don’t be too hard on yourself. We all get in our own way from time to time. Now is your chance to shine the light on your own shadows in order to free yourself from the chains of circumstances.

Tuesday, September 03, 2002

I am not sure how much I am going to write. I want to write a lot because….I have not been able to write in several days. I have not had online access. I will be back to my normal journal schedule on Thursday when I am fully moved in with Bill and Lisa.

Not even sure where to begin or if I will get everything written about….I am at Katrina’s getting an online fix!

Last week was so bad. That this week had to get better right?

I am going to write about Kam some….something I don’t do very often. Kam moved on Friday. And that was VERY hard. I know he and I have had ups and downs…but I love him and he is Daddy to me. Even now when we did not have a “formal” Daddy/little girl relationship he still is/was considered Daddy. And so that has been hard. I will I feel consider him Daddy for me...always.

I did not accomplish anything with moving last week. On Saturday I went to Carpe Diem. It was a good meeting and good to see friends. I then played on Saturday night. I had to ask permission for that…and it was so hard to ask. I cried a little during play but not a much as I needed too.

I have not really cried a lot yet. I have had tears…but not cried. I need to cry….just sob.

Nick and I talked about that and what that means….and how to accomplish that. He was wondering if I had to get to the tears through pain. We also talked about my emotional side and me showing him that and why that comes out with him.

I explained to him about past relationships not being able/allowed to show emotions. And then with Todd…he wanted me to open up more. So, I did. And then he left and a lot of that transferred to Nick but over time I grew to just be able to trust and rely on Nick. I trust him. He just gets me to open up and it does not even feel like I am opening up. We just talk and talk and then all of sudden I realized I have shared with him all sorts of things…that I don’t talk about much.

Lately….I have felt very close to Nick. I have been dreaming of him lots. And I always feel so good and safe when I talk with him…when I dream of him. I have called him lots lately and that is because I just need someone to talk to and get my mind off things. And he always seems to be able to get me thinking about other things. I appreciate all he does for me…and care for him a lot.

I feel very distant from Monseigneur E right now. When we talk on the phone, I feel very distant. I don’t know what to say. I just wish it were easier.

I am ready to go and visit but my feelings on it are so indifferent right now. I will go from one moment thinking of things he and I have discussed and then feel that…and the next moment….I am just ready to get it over with…and I know that is not coming out just right.

I think….a lot of that is just stress though too. I just want to slow down and be. I just want to submit and let go of everything….

I hope I am able to….

I am going to post this but more might come in a little bit or the next post will be Thursday.

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