danae

I am not sure how much I am going to write. I want to write a lot because….I have not been able to write in several days. I have not had online access. I will be back to my normal journal schedule on Thursday when I am fully moved in with Bill and Lisa.

Not even sure where to begin or if I will get everything written about….I am at Katrina’s getting an online fix!

Last week was so bad. That this week had to get better right?

I am going to write about Kam some….something I don’t do very often. Kam moved on Friday. And that was VERY hard. I know he and I have had ups and downs…but I love him and he is Daddy to me. Even now when we did not have a “formal” Daddy/little girl relationship he still is/was considered Daddy. And so that has been hard. I will I feel consider him Daddy for me...always.

I did not accomplish anything with moving last week. On Saturday I went to Carpe Diem. It was a good meeting and good to see friends. I then played on Saturday night. I had to ask permission for that…and it was so hard to ask. I cried a little during play but not a much as I needed too.

I have not really cried a lot yet. I have had tears…but not cried. I need to cry….just sob.

Nick and I talked about that and what that means….and how to accomplish that. He was wondering if I had to get to the tears through pain. We also talked about my emotional side and me showing him that and why that comes out with him.

I explained to him about past relationships not being able/allowed to show emotions. And then with Todd…he wanted me to open up more. So, I did. And then he left and a lot of that transferred to Nick but over time I grew to just be able to trust and rely on Nick. I trust him. He just gets me to open up and it does not even feel like I am opening up. We just talk and talk and then all of sudden I realized I have shared with him all sorts of things…that I don’t talk about much.

Lately….I have felt very close to Nick. I have been dreaming of him lots. And I always feel so good and safe when I talk with him…when I dream of him. I have called him lots lately and that is because I just need someone to talk to and get my mind off things. And he always seems to be able to get me thinking about other things. I appreciate all he does for me…and care for him a lot.

I feel very distant from Monseigneur E right now. When we talk on the phone, I feel very distant. I don’t know what to say. I just wish it were easier.

I am ready to go and visit but my feelings on it are so indifferent right now. I will go from one moment thinking of things he and I have discussed and then feel that…and the next moment….I am just ready to get it over with…and I know that is not coming out just right.

I think….a lot of that is just stress though too. I just want to slow down and be. I just want to submit and let go of everything….

I hope I am able to….

I am going to post this but more might come in a little bit or the next post will be Thursday.