Sunday, December 31, 2000

I was wrong...

Well I was informed I was wrong about my disclaimer in Friday’s post lol

Tomorrow will be a new year. 2001. Wow! Happy New Year everyone!

Tonight of course is the anniversary of my rapes. So far this year has been easier to deal with then last years. I hope it continues to be this good all day : )

Daddy has been trying hard this week to be here for me emotionally because the week of December 31, 2000 I usually have problems with flashbacks and such. And I have had those problems this week but really not as bad as in the past. Which I am VERY thankful for!

It is snowing right now, but to me it is the beautiful kind of snow. It is coming down heavy but big flakes. I have some Ottmar Liebert in the cd player watching the snow and chatting with Di online. Very peaceful right now.

I want to thank Grumbler and wench for my great birthday/Christmas presents. : ) Back at the beginning of Nov someone gave me a present in front of Lucar and he said “you are still celebrating your birthday.” Well I can say I am still celebrating it now as it heads into 2001.

I am missing Lauren lots. I got to talk to her online Friday for a little bit, but still it does not really stop the aching inside. I am worried about her and Daddy – this 5 months from being a way from each other is going to be harder then I thought on both of them.

Honeyrose wrote me this week but it just made me wonder what is going on with her MORE. (I got 2 more emails since writing this and she seems to be good but I still worry about her.) I miss her lots and am trying to get my plans firmed up to go see her in Europe. I hope to be going for 2 months.

The first movie I saw with Honeyrose was Practical Magic second was Meet Joe Black. Both movies have made impacts on me. Jackie has the soundtrack to Practical Magic so she is connected to the movie now too.

On Christmas I watched it on cable 2 times. I sat and cried some sad missing Honeyrose and Jackie and other good tears because it brought up good feeling for both of them. The soundtrack is awesome. One song I think after seeing the movie and where it fit in the movie made me think of everyone in my life…Daddy, Jackie and Honeyrose….

A Case of You by Joni Mitchell

Just before our love got lost you said
"I am as constant as a northern star"
And I said, "Constant in the darkness
Where's that at?
If you want me I'll be in the bar"

On the back of a cartoon coaster
In the blue TV screen light
I drew a map of Canada
Oh Canada
And I sketched your face on it twice

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
Still I'd be on my feet
I'd still be on my feet

Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I'm frightened by the devil
And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid
I remember that time that you told me, you said
"Love is touching souls"
Surely you touched mine
"Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
And you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
Still I'd be on my feet
I'd still be on my feet

I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said
Color "Go to him, stay with him if you can
Oh but be prepared to bleed"
Oh but you are in my blood you're my holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you darling
Still I'd be on my feet
Still I'd be on my feet
I'd still be on my feet

I wish everyone a Happy New Year….

peace & serenity,

Friday, December 29, 2000

A Blank Slate

On ICQ last night Mistress DM and I were talking and she said something but I am going to pull it out of the context in which she said it…..

She said, “….to me you're just one blank slate waiting to be written on .”

Just a disclaimer: I know this post is not what Mistress DM meant when she said what she did. It is just what popped in my head a certain way and kind of skipped around for a while.

I went to bed thinking of this…….it brought me back to Don. And it was not a bad thing even though the anniversary of my gang rape is coming up.

Something that still pulls me back to that time in my life is how completely Don got into my head and figured out how to break me down. And parts of me liked it. That is something I still struggle with even now but did a lot when I was dealing with the gang rape. Because I how can it be rape if part of me liked the fear. Liked that he had broken me down so much that I was like addict and needed the fear to keep going. To make it through the day I needed to feel it.

How did he make me that way? I think about that often. Which brings me to the blank slate, he broke me down so that I was a blank slate. He could have done anything with me. Instead of using that power and control to create a “perfect” slave for himself. He left me broken down. I just continued to keep me there. I guess that is how I define the difference between an asshole and a Master.

After I left him I went on withdrawals and even went back to him and begged him to take me back.

I remember once right after leaving him – I had this friend whose mother owned this apartment building and he and I went to roof. He left me there while he went to get something more to drink…like we really needed more. lol And I went and stood on the ledge - drunk. I was scared to death but loved that feeling – the fear. I stood there the cold winter air blowing on me looking down 6 stories to the ground. I closed my eyes and pictured Don behind me pushing me. Or better yet telling me to jump and knowing there was no way I could not do it. He had set something in me that instinctively just obeyed him and most of the time without hesitation.

Even though what he did to me I feel was wrong. I crave to broken down and built back up into a slave. To serve without hesitation. To surrender. And yes I do crave to have that kind of fear again.

peace & serenity,

Wednesday, December 27, 2000

Fear and Freedom

By Tuf12Tame

fear and freedom,
dance within my spirit.
intertwined with such force
calling me to come near it.

freedom to believe my inner most dreams,
those things that I hold so deeply within.
taunting my soul, "can it be what it seems?"
yet fearing to let it just vaguely begin.

fear of the future,
fear of the past,
freedom to think.....
could it possibly last?

fear and freedom,
dance within my spirit.
intertwined with such force
calling me to come near it.

the woman outside so strong and so sure,
the child within so sweetly demure. a little girls heart all tattered and torn
the woman of years so broken and worn.

defiance and fire fighting the fear a battle that rages, yet won't disappear.
a soul bound by hope of what is to come,
a heart that's been wounded, until it is numb.

fear and freedom,
dance within my spirit.
intertwined with such force
calling me to come near it.

a woman who's soul
can never give up,
a childs' heart who screams....
enough is enough!

the dreams of a lifetime
fading so fast.
yet held with such might,
in her childlike grasp.

fear and freedom,
dance within my spirit.
intertwined with such force
calling me to come near it.


I found this on a site and it touched me...there is something deep inside that it touches that whispers very loud to me.

here is the site's Writings

peace & serenity,

Sweet Updates

Last Week (wrote December 23 and 24th)

This week has been interesting to say the least…..

Sunday night Dec 17th – Jackie forgot to call when she got back to school and so I was panicking. I left a lot of messages on her machine hoping that she or one of her roommates would come in and call me and tell me she was alright just finishing up school business or something like that. I am very thankful I had Di around that night! She was incredible as always! She called the highway patrol for me because I was so upset I did not think I could get Jackie’s full name out. Anyway about 12:30 – 1am Jackie called – because she has just checked her messages. She apologized a hundred times. I was just happy that she was safe. She had just forgot to call.

Monday – I spent the day baking and cleaning. And I wrote a very long letter to Moni, because her and my friendship has been strained since after my birthday when the first of the grand chaos drama started – not sure why I do not expect chaos dramas when the 2 that started it are always in chaos dramas. I think they thrive on it.

After reading my letter, Moni called upset. Her and I cry easy. We feel deeply I guess that is one reason we cry easily.

My email had been oh so great timing – uggghh. Her and her Master broke up on Sunday. It is hard to see people in pain. I know that there is a lot of grieving going on between them both.

We set a time to have lunch Thursday to discuss all that is going on.

Tuesday – I did nothing almost all day!

Wednesday – I talked with Mistress DM online. We of course as always had an interesting discussion.

Thursday – I had a 5-hour lunch with Moni. Her and I had so much to cover. She is going through the grieving process – which is hard.

She has been associating with someone who has hurt me a few times. And that hurts. She is still going to associate with him and that hurt more. I guess I kept flashing back to my friend that was seeing the guy that raped me and she said, “well he has not hurt me.”

I hope Moni does not get hurt. Michael will not let that happen though I know that for sure.

Someone else I have been hurt by one to many times had purposely tried to hurt Moni and my friendship. Did she accomplish that? Maybe bruised it, but I think eventually it will heal and come back. I know it did not accomplish the thing the person set out to do.

I had lied to Moni. Ironically one of the reasons I lied was to protect the person who ended up telling Moni. The other main reason is just because I have a deep need to protect my family so I do sometimes what I feel will protect them and ends up being a big mistake. Moni and I have had this connection and I harmed it by telling her lie. I am sorry that I hurt her.

Friendship hurts because of the expectations we create on each other. I expect my friends will give me loyalty and what we each view as loyal is different and that can end up hurting people.

Lots of things said during the lunch – it was 5 hours – some things that will be with me forever.

Friday – I have been worrying about Jackie all week. Her mom had surgery on Monday and I saw her online only briefly. She said the surgery was not good but not bad either. So not sure what exactly that means but know everything is very hard on her. Daddy and I had not heard from her in 3 days on Friday so we were worrying lots.

Friday was really cold. I had things to do and of course my car started making terrible noises! So I did not get everything accomplished that I needed to Friday during the day. Friday night Daddy and I had dinner with a friend.

Then I came home and made a pan of bars.

Saturday – We got mail from Jackie! : ) In the email it said she would call on Sunday. Saturday was Moni’s birthday! I have her present and card sitting here and will need to get it to her sometime soon. Daddy got up to take the car in (but they could not fix it.) And then he went out shopping. While he was out I made 3 dozen cinnamon rolls, cookies and banana bread. He came home we then had some friends over for a little bit. Then we got ready to go to SJ’s for dinner. We had a nice time there : ) Daddy got a poster that was SOOO him from SJ. It is a poster of a gorilla with this scowl on his face and it says “I’m sooo Not Amused!” It is soo Daddy lol I got a very cute post with precious moments noah’s ark on it. I collect Noah’s arks so it was very appropriate and I love it.
Dec. 27, 200

That was the past weeks happenings….

This Christmas was nice. Daddy and I had a nice Christmas. He shocked and surprised me with the present he gave me. I just burst into tears when I opened. Jackie I am sure is very happy she was not here lol She hates it when I cry.

We go to this Amish restaurant every once in a while. It is a special place for us. Anyway every time we go in there I look at this print they have in their gift shop. It is a little boy all bundled up sitting in the snow with his 3 dogs. There is just something about it that touches a part of me – deep inside. Daddy went and got me that print for Christmas. I was very shocked and overwhelmed with my love for him at that very moment. It is things like that remind me why I love him so much. It is an expensive print and so every time I see it I say I like it but it is one of those things I never though I would ever own.

Thank you Daddy! I love you very very much!

peace and serenity,

Sunday, December 24, 2000

Christmas Eve

As a child this used to be one of my most favorite days. We would go to my grandparents. They lived on a farm. It was so beautiful as it would always be a white Christmas as I grew up in North Dakota. (The alien state – private joke between Kam, Jackie and I).

My grandparents attended a small country church that is so beautiful...covered in snow. It would always be a very good service – candlelight service. All the lights would be turned off. Then one person would have a lit candle and one by one the light passed lighting each candle in the church creating a warm glow radiating. The silence as we all did this too was a power quiet that would always give me goosebumps. It always was a very meaningful service for me even as a child.

My grandpa would leave early and make reindeer tracks and also boot tracks into the house. I would get back to their place and be so happy seeing those tracks….knowing Santa came.

We always sang Christmas songs, drank wassail, ate and ate and ate all sorts of food, and then my Uncle would read the Christmas Story from the bible. We opened presents after that. I would fall asleep curled up under the piano clutching my new doll or toy.

I know I love Christmas because my mom made our house feel magical during Christmas. It was full of light, love and joy of the season.

So tonight I think of my family and also my friends and wish everyone a very joyous holiday!

peace & serenity,

Sunday, December 17, 2000

48 Hours is not enough...

Jackie got here on Friday night. I was excited but sad all at once knowing this would be the last time before she went to Italy that Daddy and I would see her.

When she got her just the look on her face told me that she needed us. And that something else had happened. And yes something had. Because of the things that happened, she was only able to stay til Sunday night. So we were getting less then 48 hours of her before she left.

This person who I have grown to love deeply would only be able to be here for less then 48 hours. I pulled it in and told myself what was going on with her was much more important. I love her so much and just wanted to protect her from the world. Make this the place where nothing could hurt her.

But I know that is not totally possible. I tried very hard though.

This weekend and week with Jackie was going to be very special for her and I had prepared myself for it. Jackie was going to have the opportunity to serve Daddy publicly and she was looking forward to it. Her submission has grown so much in the time that she has been with Daddy. It is amazing me. Her hard work and Daddy’s wonderful training are very amazing.

Tonight as I write…..I am hurting.

I feel the pain - it feels like it can consume me. So much going on in my life and I hang on each day. I deal with each persons pain as well as my own. I struggle each day to let some things just go because I cannot handle it.

I am given sharp realities of my life, daily - even though some of my life I try to just let go and pretend does not happen. I struggle to know what to do. I try to look at things asking if it is a good path - if it is keep going.

Like with Jackie – I know this time with us – she needed to not see Daddy and I get upset with each other. (Which we do a lot - especially lately.) And I was trying so hard not to get upset about things. But I am dealing with his stuff, Jackie’s stuff, Honeyrose has stuff I am worrying about, my mom who I talked yesterday I could tell has things going on there, Di has stuff going on, and then I have all my shit. Plus throw in PMS. lol So I just tried to take the path that was right and good and be there for her. And it is not like I do not want to be there for everyone. I love them. They are my family even in moment that I feel like I would like to escape this reality. It just gets hard sometimes.

I have so much going on that not one person who knows about it all…..I do not tell anyone all of my problems because they have enough of their own stuff going on. And frankly because they cannot handle it on top of their things – at least that is how I feel. I pretty much know Daddy cannot, so I just do not stress him with stuff.

So many past things have been coming into my space this past week so much: flashbacks, Morgan, Jim. And then throw in current life…fun fun.

DM and I had a pretty serious talk this past week too and right at this moment I am thinking of pulling away for good because I look back on this weekend and look at all I have wrote and think she deserves a lot better then me. She certainly does not need to be dealing with all that I need to get in order. And who is to say I can get things in order.

I need to say these are things I am feeling at the moment – it is reaction from my pain. Just like me saying I did not think I was submissive. I know I am submissive. Even though I get lots of verbal messages that I am not….I know I am. I would not react the way I do to DM if I were not submissive. There has been several times this week that have shown me I am submissive.

This week asked me if I was going to Germany and hoping everything would magically be fixed in my life. It was said in a harsh tone. She has said harsh things to me before, but this time it effected me more. I felt like telling her off. I then stopped and toned things down and said to her that just because I do not deal with things how she does not mean that I do not deal with things. Which is true. I tend to deal with things a lot different then most people.

I just feel. I just know some things have to be dealt with one way and some don’t. Sometimes they need immediate action and sometimes I need to wait for life to show me where I need to go and do.

I just wrote all of the above and then Di signed online and I talked to her.

I am very thankful to have her as my best friend. She is great. So I look around this apartment right now. I look at the tree and think of Daddy strapping it to the top of the car and how fun it was to watch…I think of Jackie, seeing the tree all lit up and decorated. I am very happy to have shared her first Christmas tree with her. I am thankful for good health, a great best friend, Daddy, Jackie, Honeyrose, my family – mom, dad, sisters, and all the people in my life I love. I am very lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life to love.

And that is what I need to hang on too…..

I wish everyone a good night…..And a good week to come…..

Peace and Serenity,

Thursday, December 14, 2000

The Hotel

I thought of this story I wrote long ago a few times lately so I have decided to post it.

Enjoy! :)

The Hotel

He stands before me hands me a key and a piece of paper with an address and room number upon it. It is a hotel address and key. He told me He is using my gift of submission to Him to give Himself great pleasure. I smile - I want to please Him so very much. Fear runs through me also because I do not know what will happen.

I go there as ordered. There are directions telling me to take my shirt, skirt and bra off and leave my thigh highs, panties and heels on. The note also directs me to blind fold myself, kneel on the floor facing the door and wait. My knees are apart, arms behind back, and chest out - the usual position that I am in for my Master. I wait and wait and wait - it feels like forever. I am scared because what if someone were to come in here by accident they would see me like this. The fear also comes from not knowing what is going to happen. But I am also very turned on by that fear running through me and more importantly by the thought of giving my Master pleasure.

I finally hear the door open. I know not to say anything. But I am wanting to make sure it is him. I start say is that you Master . . . and I feel the sting across my breasts. The pain and unexpectedness make me fall over. I try to regain my position fast, but I am not fast enough. A slap comes swiping across my face. Something my Master rarely does - I am surprised but am in position again. My nipples are then tugged and twisted - I feel something warm and oily being rubbed on them. They start to get very warm. And then warmer. The tugging and twisting intensify the pain - the heat shooting through them. I start to moan. My breasts are slapped hard - they burn. I know not to let another moan escape. More pain shoots through my nipples as the clothespins are applied. I want to scream. They are on fire under the grip of the clothespins. I cannot keep it in - I scream. My breasts are slapped several times again and tears are now welling in my eyes behind the blindfold. I am pulled to my feet by my hair and my panties are pulled off roughly. I am pushed to the ground again. My panties are shoved into my nose I smell my arousal, my mouth is opened, and the panties are shoved in. I hear tape being torn off and it is then placed over my mouth.

My hair is grabbed again and I am yanked to my feet. I am pushed face first into the bed. I am screaming behind the gag. My breasts are burning and shooting with pain as I am shoved onto the bed ~ the clothespin pulling more, making me cry. My wrists are pulled behind me and put in handcuffs. I feel fingers pulling at me - pulling my ass cheeks apart, pulling at my pussy lips. I am being looked at - inspected. I know I am very wet - it was dripping down my thighs. Then I feel fingers running over my clit. Oh it feels so good. It starts to warm and it starts to get very hot. I realize the same oil that is burning my nipples is on my clit. My clit is pulled and twisted and then a cloth pin is clamped on it. I hear a vibrator. My clit feels as though it is on fire. The vibrator is brought to my burning clit and applied right at the base of the clothespin. The pain is shooting through me. I buck trying to escape, but not really wanting to.

I then feel the smack against my ass. A riding crop perhaps. The sting - I know my ass is glowing red. Then another and another and yet another. I am screaming behind the gag - tears are streaming behind the blindfold. I hear a voice then - telling me to "Behave slut." Fear over takes me. It is not my Master's voice. The fear runs through me fast - where is my Master. I squirm to get away. I am grabbed roughly by the hips and I feel him enter me. I am being fucked and I do not know who it is. I try to move away. I am held in place by this man. Then I hear my Master's voice saying "she likes anal sex - do her hard." I squirm slightly. "Little one please behave for me," my Master states calmly. My ass cheeks are spread and I feel a cock at the entrance. My hips are grabbed roughly and am entered without lube or being prepared. Fast and hard. No slow working it in. I scream and try to squirm away my hair is pulled so my head is up and back and my face it slapped hard. It is my Master's hand this time. I am being fuck in the ass hard -rough. I am crying. But at the same time - my pussy is aching more and more to be fucked.

The tape is ripped off my mouth and the panties are taken out. I smell cum - precum. And then I feel the tip of a cock at my mouth . . . the wetness being spread on my lips . . . I lick them eagerly. My head is pulled back further and a cock is shoved in my mouth. I am building and cannot hold back . . . the orgasm spreads through me . . . as I am being fuck hard in the ass and my mouth. They both pull out . . . as I am still in the orgasm. And I feel the sting of a whip on my back, ass, and pussy. Another orgasm washes over me. I am moaning, but I am not stopped. The clothespins are still on me and the pain is still shooting through me because of them. The one on my clit is pulled off. I scream and feel the riding crop come down on my ass. It hits hard again and again. I feel welts starting to form. My ass feels like it is on fire.

I feel my hips grabbed again and a hard cock in shoved in my ass again. I scream. The man fucking my ass pulls my hair. My head pulled back while he rams his cock deep into my ass. I feel an orgasm building again. And I feel Him almost ready too. He is ramming into me fast and hard. ROUGH. And pain is so intense. But the intensity is bringing my orgasm close. I hear a voice tell me - "that I better not cum again until you are told you can - do you understand me, bitch?" I do not answer so scared. It is not my Master's voice. He says "Bitch answer me now" and yanks on my head harder and shoves his cock deep into my ass. My answer comes out in my screams, "Yes Sir, I understand." I am trying to hold it. He is building - he is moving in and out of me faster. I cannot hold the orgasm I try to squirm away. I feel a slap come down on my ass. My hips are grabbed more firmly and he rams into me again and again and then I feel the hot liquid shooting into my ass. I am flipped over and I feel a cock at my mouth and the voice saying "clean me off cunt." I am scared - I close my mouth. I am slapped. My face on fire with the slap. He says, "Open your mouth and clean me, slut." I hear my Masters voice say "slave do as he commands" I open my mouth and he shoves his cock down into my mouth and throat. He cuts my breath off as he shoves his cock down my throat. I suck Him clean. And he pulls out and says "good slut."

He tugs on the clothespins on my nipples. I moan. He says you are right she loves pain. My Master laughs and agrees. My Master asks - how wet I am. I feel the fingers grasp at my cunt and shove into my pussy. "Oh yes she wanting badly. She is soaking wet." I hear footsteps come near the bed. My Master's fingers pull on my nipples, I moan load and buck from the pain - the riding crop comes down on my breast. With each blow it is harder to stay here and focused. My Master brings the riding crop down again and says, "stay focused little one." And then he shoves his cock into my waiting pussy. He pulls on the clothespins as he is fucking me. He rips the clothespins off me and I scream from the pain and an orgasm rushes through me. His weight comes down on me and he takes one hand and entangles it in my hair and the other hand moves over my mouth. And then he releases my hair and pinches my nose closed as he fucks me. I cannot breathe, see or move. I am struggling under his grasp - desperate for air. Just as I think I am going out, he releases my mouth and nose and I gasp for breath not able to get much in though. His hands return to where there were. He is hard in my pussy. I am getting close to orgasm and I feel Him building as he controls my breath and shoves his cock deep and hard into my pussy. Again, he releases his hand and I gasp. And again it comes right back into position. He is pumping into me deeper and faster. I need breath but he is not releasing his hand this time. I try to shake my head away but know it is no use. I start to slip to that place - I feel my orgasm spill through me just as he shoots his hot cum into my waiting pussy and I am gone. Floating away. His hands have been released for just a few seconds - another second goes by and another and I gasp for breath but am still floating on my high. I hear them talking but do not make out their words. I hear the door open and close. The blindfold is removed, my hands are uncuffed and my Master lies down next to me and kisses me deeply. "You are such a good slave." I smile at Him and slip back into subspace.

© 1997 annkneeling/danae all rights reserved

Tuesday, December 12, 2000

Various Random Whispering

I think I am getting a cold, which I am not thrilled about.

Tonight I am feeling very alone.

I feel Jackie is pulling away because she is getting upset about going to Italy for 5 months and not seeing Daddy or I. I know she is busy getting ready to leave but I also feel she is avoiding us a little. Daddy has been very quiet and withdrawn for weeks because of stress in our lives.

Last week I did a little drawing. I worked on something for Moni for her birthday and something for Di for Christmas. I really liked feeling the pastels, colored pencils and ink pen in my hand again. It was hard but very gratifying afterwards even though I am not thrilled with the work I did it was a start and some of the base ideas are good starts for what I want to create.

Saturday night was a party for one of the local BDSM organizations we attend. The food was really good. Everyone did a great job on that. The decorations were great too.

We had a long table and kept having to add chairs too it to be able to get all of our friends around it. : ) It was nice to see everyone!

This is from the FAQ on Internal Enslavement (

“The Enslavement Hypothesis is that there are submissives who have an overwhelming need to be possessed by a Dominant. Given the right environment, the submissive can be coaxed out from behind the protective walls she has built during her life and made to expose all of her Self to her Master. Among other things this requires that he creates an environment which is emotionally safe and in which her underlying character will be accepted, probably for the first time in her life. During this process, the bond between the submissive and her Master becomes sufficiently strong than she can no longer break it herself, and she has then been enslaved.”

Interesting concept.

There was a post to one of the lists I am on….(I got permission to use this first. Thank you John Sir.)

“The only way to get a submissive to trust you enough to let you break down her fears is to create a security blanket where she can be open with you enough to tell you what her needs and fears are. Also its important for the dominate to do the same thing if you can't be open with her how can she be open with you……. Its called intimacy but on a level that most people cannot understand.”

I agree with this. I also think it is a hard job. The level of trust and intimacy involved is deep. And it takes a lot of hard work to get there.

On the part of the Dominant has to be open too….

I am not sure. I want the Dominant to be open and honest – expressing that they are human. I am not sure I want to know if my Owner has fears he/she cannot do it – it as in be my Owner…control me… dominant with me.

And if they are questioning that what does it mean? And if I am questioning their doubts what does it mean?

I think lots of people understand intimacy and even say the want it but not many people are willing to do the work to get there or are just scared of what will happen when they do get to that level.

I know intimacy is scares me.

I chatted with Honeyrose online today. We talked of her life and what is going on with her. Lots of hard things coming up for her.

It is so strange how her and my life parallel at times. I mean she met GZ about the same time I met Daddy. Some of the same problems Daddy and I have had her and GZ have…it is just strange how things parallel.

I really know how hard these next few months are going to be for her, but I know she can do it.

I miss her lots and cannot wait to go to Europe to see her. : )

Okay I guess I will stop babbling…

Good night….

Peace & Serenity,

Monday, December 11, 2000


Wednesday….I talked with Mistress DM online. I had not talked to her in a while. Avoiding her a little because of the stuff going on here. I just needed time not to think. LOL

As usual in talking to her she made me think about a lot of things. One thing is that Love is not an emotion. She said (it is something she is working on not fully formulated) it is an energy and I agree.

She had given me a website link to read. The first time I read it something in the journal entry stuck out…..

“Most of all... I learned that although I am capable of playing with others, caring about others, and learning from others, I am not able to fully love another.”

I do not think I am fully able to love another. I mean I think I am able to love a person, but it is hard to let myself go totally and let the other person love me in which I am holding back so I am not able to love fully either. I do not let go and allow myself to because I just do not believe anyone can handle it.

I love lots of people but there is no one I totally love without boundaries.

There has been one person in my life that I could be completely free with and not worry about what I said or what I did or how I acted or how my emotions were. She was an incredible woman.

Jackie always says she loves me more. And there are a few reasons I think she says this, but after talking about love right now I just thought of another view.

I feel she says she loves me more because she loves me so much it hurts. She feels it in the very depth of her soul and it hurts because she does not allow people to touch there.

I love her just as much. On Thanksgiving, I thought of her all day and quietly Thanked God for bringing her into my life. I missed her so much it hurt like that.

I love Honeyrose that way. I remember when she moved to Germany and she did not get in contact with me for a while. I cried and ached and started to grieve a little. My heart was breaking because I thought she was just leaving me. When she finally called the first thing I did was yell at her to never do that to me again because I loved her more then anything and it hurt to think of life without her. I knew I was in love with her.

But I was just thinking now….

I think I love Jackie more…..

I give up parts of myself for her. I give up things so that she can love me without it being too hard.

Not sure that makes sense. I hold back emotions that I know she cannot handle right now with all she has on her plate. I hold back how scared I am that she is going Italy and I am not going to see her for a while. I am really scared about her going to Italy and not coming back to me. Scared she will not come back to Daddy either.

Love with Daddy is hard to explain. It has changed lots in the time I have known him. I would say when I was first here I was able to have no boundaries but was not able to fully let my boundaries down even though I did let most of them down. He has seen parts of me that no person should have to see or go through. And I am very thankful for all that he went through to help me heal.

I still love my ex husband. I still miss him a lot…even though I was not able to love him without boundaries either.

Love is an energy to me. It is not the love that is changing relationships. I still love Honeyrose just as much as I did 2 years ago but what has changed in our relationship is that I miss her dearly. I still love my ex-husband who hurt me emotionally. Daddy and I have our rough times but I still love him. I have friends that have hurt me recently – the love has not changed but the relationship has because of the pain they have caused me.

I could never understand why I was not getting past some old loves or why I still love people that have hurt me. If it is not an emotion and is energy, it is makes a lot more sense to me.

peace & serenity,

Monday, December 04, 2000

A Jumble of Thoughts

I could not sleep last night….my mind was racing but not with anything of real use.

Jackie was here this weekend and it was a peaceful weekend for once. No running around to see everyone, no disruptions, and not too many worries. First weekend like that in a long time. I always feel sad after she leaves. I go through like an emotional drop right after and the day after.

Last week after my blog on loyalty and talking about my rape it made me think about my Survivor Healing and Support website. I had not worked on it in a very long time. So, that is what I did some of last week. Still having some problems with some of the links so I will post the url when it is not so jumbled.

I have been thinking lately that maybe I am not submissive…..

Or maybe I am not just slave. Certainly I do submissive things. How I interact with my Daddy is submissive a lot of the time even though I think he would disagree, but I feel that is because he still wishes me as the slave that arrived at his doorstep almost 2 and half years ago. And I am not that same person. Unfortunately? I am not sure I guess….

I really do not know how to act or behave as a submissive anymore…at least that is how it feels. Before I instinctively acted a certain way that I am not sure I can even describe. I just wanted to please, now I please so that I do not disappoint or do not make someone upset with me….stupid reasons to me. I mean yes when I was owned I did not want my Daddy disappointed or mad at me but that was not the main reason I submitted – I submitted because I wanted to please him and it made me feel good inside.

I do not feel good inside.

I do not know what to do.

I do not know how to act.

I do not know if I am submissive.

I am still interested in D/s…I mean I am thinking of it. I have stories, articles and do research on D/s still. I just do not know where I belong….how I fit into D/s at this moment.

Another really weird thing is….actually kind of scary is that I have only craved pain once in 2 months. Which those of you who know me know is amazing lol

Recently I tried to do an essay on service, submission, and surrender and what each meant to me. But it was something that was a struggle. I know it when I feel it but right now I think because I do not feel them I cannot put them down in words.

Okay I am done rambling for now…

peace & serenity,

Friday, December 01, 2000

Not Around

Jackie's here for the weekend - So probably not a whole lotta writing going on this weekend.

It has been a busy week and not very good, but surviving....

peace and serenity,
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