Thursday, September 30, 2004

Regarding Some Recent Posts and Life Update

I want to thank everyone who has commented on recent posts!

Regarding the Domestic Abuse looks similar to M/s post…

The NLA’s statement bothered me because it is putting a standard out there that is false. The thought of this being brought into a court of law or even maybe if someone has some overly concerned vanilla friends that happen on to it….could cause some problems. Because it is saying if you do any of these things then you are abused and if you don't then you aren't doing BDSM “right.”

And that is bothers me a lot! These type of statements are there to make vanillas think better of us instead of really being an useful tool. So I believe there is an agenda behind it that is not for helping those in the lifestyle and that is why it bothers me.

I believe if you are in an abusive situation, you wake up on day and figure it out. Or maybe that is how it was for me.

Regarding the Isolation post…

The thread was started on my favorite yahoo group about isolation (it spun off a thread on the NLA statement). I was asked for examples of isolation in my life and I was just going to cut and paste the ones I used in my journal entry. But then as I was rereading them and realized that many are not ones *I* view as isolation and more from what people have said is isolation in my life.

It is kind of odd because some of our just day to day stuff I have had people tell me is Master isolating me, but really with the context of our path and life it isn't isolation to me.

So these are the things that have been isolation in our M/s relationship…
  • seeking permission to make phone calls.

  • being restricted only to answer phone calls from Master

  • not having any contact with anyone via online chatting, phone or in physical person for a day to a week

  • being restricted in my movement - such as I have been chained to a the bed for a day or morning before. The chain reaches the bathroom just enough to go in a bucket or other times it has reached the toilet.

  • there has been various forms of SM type of isolation – being chained to the bed as I mentioned, being locked in the cage. being hooded, restrained, gagged for a longer period time then just "play" - but to slow me down, discipline, meditations and such.

  • When I first came to be with Master, He did more isolation to help me slow down and refocus my attentions. I was not allowed contact with anyone (just to let them know I got here safe and then nothing after that for a while). I was not allowed to get into my things, I was naked all the time, chained, hobbled and it was...really effective in getting me to a more serene place of going to be serving 24/7 instead of doing the long distance thing. It helped me slow down and start changing my focus and mindset.

    Regarding Life…an Update…

    Last night Master and I had a marvelous dinner….steak that I rubbed with garlic, peppers, coarse salt. And then green beans sautéed in soy sauce and a little onion and garlic. And we started with a salad that I made a dressing from light olive oil, red wine vinegar, a little Dijon mustard, basil and pepper. Master has been working evening so I know He really enjoyed having a nice dinner before having to focus on work.

    Today Master worked from home. After breakfast, Master was coming through the kitchen and asked me what I was going to do. I said, “I thought I would take a shower.” We were being playful and he said, “what are you going to do in the shower.” I said, “umm duh Master” very playfully. Master took me by my hair and pulled my head kind of back baring my face to Him and He slapped me very light and playfully across the cheek. So He releases me and I patted Him on the bum. He grabbed me by the hair, turned me around, pulled my panties down very roughly and spanked me! We then stood in the kitchen kissing very passionately in that raw very primal sexual way people do….and soon ended up in bed fucking. Where he grabbed and twisted my tits. It was very hot and yummy!

    Those impromptu times that are just caught in a mixture of passion and sadism is awesome.

    I will probably have one or two political posts soon. They will be marked for those you who want to skip those.

    Tuesday, September 28, 2004

    Life Update and Isolation

    Well life has been positively wonderful lately…. Master had a couple days off and we took full advantage of it. We had hot SM and sex on Friday and Saturday. And even some on Sunday too. The Domestic Violence looks similar to M/s post sparked Sunday’s fun. Yum! Yum!

    Isolation seems to be a topic that I has come up in a lot lately. It actually is a dark desire of mine to have more extreme and semi-permanent isolation. Moving here to be with Master has been a big change to my state of isolation. I was very social before I moved to be with Master. I did things with friends a lot and was active in the BDSM community. I lived in Ohio and he lived in Colorado. I have friends and family all over the country, but I have some very good friends in Ohio that I was sad about leaving. I was very close to some people and so it was hard. I miss them a lot, but I do keep in touch. My family though was all out of state so I was not leaving them directly.

    I have people I knew and also friends that were upset with me moving and expressed concerns about me moving across the country to be with Master. For years, I have heard concerns about the relationship that I sought. And of course heard concerns before moving to be with Master.

    But through it all I knew what I wanted and knew that when I had the life I was seeking I would be very fulfilled. There was always this little piece of zen-like calmness that knew the things I wanted in a M/s relationship was what I have always wanted for my life. And of course, I found that with Master. So even through all the warnings and comments that I was insane, unsafe and not acting with consensuality in mind, I had to do what was best for me. I had faith in myself. And following that has landed me in a wonderful relationship with my Master that has been like no other for me. I am blessed and grateful that he found me.

    I do have to say I did not listen to the people that attacked my beliefs. I always appreciate my friends thoughts but did not let their thoughts influence my beliefs. I did not let their negativity doubt my faith in what was best for me. Even before Master and came to be together, I stayed strong in my faith of knowing what was best for me. And then of course after coming to be Master’s….I had strong faith in my relationship and my slavery to my Master.

    Okay so back on to the topic at hand….isolation…

    I am happy and fulfilled in my relationship with my Master and the isolation he has used on me in our relationship has not damaged me, has not created boredom and has not made me lose my personality.

    I think there are fine lines with isolation equating abuse. I have been in abusive relationships before and one even used isolation as means of control. But M/s relationships can look like abuse does not mean it is abuse. The feelings in the relationship are what make it abusive or not.

    I like to be isolated by Master as it helps me feel centered. It also helps me know my place as property when I am struggling with submission. I know Master does it so that I can feel those things. He enjoys the mindset I get from it. But he also does it because he likes the control of it. And well as most people know, Dominant’s generally like control.

    Isolation can come in varying degrees. There have been times where I have not been allowed to talk to anyone but Master. But it was not done 24/7. It was done for a day or week.

    There are times in my life that I am isolated that I think some would think – I am extremely cut off and isolated. But I don’t feel I am and would like to be more extreme at times. I am not sure how realistic that is for our lives though.

    Some examples of my isolation…
    - I don’t work outside Master’s home
    - I don’t drive even though I have a drivers license (that is in Master’s wallet)
    - I seek permission to make phone calls or chat online at times
    - I don’t have any local friends that are mine. All my friends are his friends and they are not close like they were in Ohio as I can’t be “out” here like I was in Ohio
    - I don’t leave the house without Master – to do grocery shopping, errands or anything – I am always with him when I leave the house.
    - Then there is he SM type of isolation – being chained to the bed for more then a night. Being locked in a cage. Being hooded, restrained, gagged…

    All those things can and do happen in our relationship and I am perfectly happy and healthy. And even after periods of isolation (be it an afternoon or a week or whatever) I can still carry on conversations, express my personality in those conversation just as I did before…I was owned. I did not lose my identity - in fact I am finally able to be me. I feel now everything is better. As I am more happy and fulfilled and that comes out now.

    Sunday, September 26, 2004

    Domestic Violence and M/s look similar?

    Okay so the other night I was surfing and came across this website…
    NLA Statement on Domestic Violence

    And I was kind of amazed by answering the questions I believe…scratch that…I know they would consider me abused. Do M/s relationships and Domestic Violence look similar? Because after answering these questions I think they might! But I am not abused, so I think that list needs be seriously reworked. I am sure many will read my answers to the questions and feel I am in an abusive situation.

    Before I get to the questions/answers…

    For as long, as I can remember I have wanted to be in a relationship where I was used and abused. But the abuse that I want is a fine line to the abuse that this domestic violence statement was formed. If you have read this journal for any length of time you will have seen me talk about wanting to be treated like nothing or broken down. You will have seen me talk about my dark desires. You will have seen me describe experiences that some would consider abusive and I thought they were down right hot! The desires are not for everyone. And the type of relationship I am in is not for everyone. My desires are not the “norm” in SM or maybe majority is a better word. But they are *my* desires. I own them.

    That being said have I been in abusive relationships? Yes, ones where it was not being broken down and fulfilled, but broken down and harmed. And that it difference to me, but still I own the relationship. I put myself in the situation. I can see some coming to the conclusion that – “okay she can’t distinguish a healthy relationship verses an abusive one.” But I am in a healthy fulfilling relationship for me. My relationship with Master is very healthy for me. It is the first time I have went into a relationship getting to know the person…making sure we were compatible to have a long term relationship. I have never been in such a wonderful M/s relationship. We have a solid foundation. We are compatible and know what path we want for our relationship. And that has not been true in the other relationships…especially the ones that I consider abusive.

    When applying these questions to a few former relationships, the feelings attached were different – it was feelings of abuse. I was harmed in those relationships.

    My past relationships that I feel were abusive were not positive for me. My relationship with Master is positive. And I guess that is probably the only way I see to explain it.

    The answers to these questions are very honest for my relationship with Master and I stress: I am not in an abusive relationship. So one more warning these answers probably will look like abuse to some of you out there….but again I stress they are not abuse in *my* relationship.

    Here are the questions from the NLA statement and then my answers...

    Does your partner ever hit, choke, slap, or otherwise physically hurt you outside the context of a scene? Yes, but we don’t scene that often - we play during sex. But we have SM elements in our relationship that are not part of sex or SM play. Master has slapped me when He felt I was out of line with something I said. And I don't see anything wrong with that within our relationship.

    Has he/she ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room, or used a weapon of any kind? Yes and I think if the deadbolt lock was on the closet again it might happen a little more. :)

    Are you afraid of your partner? No I am not afraid of him in general. There have been times when I have been afraid, but it was rightful and appropriate to me.

    Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual S/M. - I disagree with that statement. I have known people who have been forced to be with members of the same sex or with multiple partners and it was consensual. And it would be consensual if it happened in our relationship too. Plus not like I always want to have sex and I have to just suck it up and deal (no pun intended okay maybe it was.)

    Battering is not "agreed" upon; there is an absence of "safe words." - No safewords in our relationship.

    Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends? - We don’t really scene per se. Master has created mindsets that have lasted beyond the sex or SM play.

    Does your partner ever ignore your safe words or pressure you not to use them? - Don’t have any to ignore

    Has she/he ever violated your limits? - My limits are now what his limits are and he probably had more then I did so that really does not affect me either.

    Do you feel "trapped" in a specific role (e.g. top/bottom)? - It is not role to me. So, I am not sure how I would feel trapped. I don’t feel trapped in our relationship - I feel very fulfilled.

    Does your partner constantly criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means of control, or ridicule you for the limits you do set? - He has used humiliation and degradation in our relationship in regards to many things – performance included. But I don’t see this really applying to our relationship because our whole relationship has Him controlling and me submitting.

    Do you feel obliged to have sex? - Yes at times but that does not make me feel abused in my relationship.

    Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident? - No violent incidents that would be considered abuse in my eyes - in our relationship so this would not apply. But I know we have had times where others would consider it violent and had sex after. But I think it is just hot sex after hot violence!

    Does your partner isolate you from friends, family, or groups? - Yes he has. He just commented on the other day he left me alone with his co-workers and that is the first time he had done that. Every time I have been around his co-workers, he has been there. He was wondering if anyone found it odd. We didn’t though.

    Has your partner ever destroyed objects or threatened pets? - No but he has talked about destroying some of my things and it just makes me feel more owned. He would not threaten pets….as the kitty cats are his and even if they were mine he would not do that.

    Does your partner limit access to work or to material resources? - I don’t work because that is what he wishes…so I guess that could be construed as limiting my access to work. He does limit at times my access to internet and has talked of limiting my access to news and such…cutting me off from society.

    Ever stolen from you or run up debts? No he has not.

    Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another? - I am emotionally dependent on Master. But I think in intimate relationship vanilla or not we all come to some sort of emotional dependency.

    Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close? No, but there are times Master does distant himself from me but again I don’t define this as abuse.

    Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self-esteem? He has criticized, he has humiliated and he has degraded me but again I don’t consider this abuse in our relationship.

    Does your partner use scenes to express/cover up anger and frustration? Master has used me to get frustrations out. He has also hit me in anger and I still don’t feel this is abuse in our relationship.

    Do you feel you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you? Yes I do feel I can discuss anything with Master.

    Thursday, September 23, 2004

    8 Ways To Maintain A Positive Attitude

    From the Daily OM...

    These to me were so on it...I had to post them here!

    8 Ways To Maintain A Positive Attitude: There Is No Obstacle Too Great

    1. Become mindful of your thoughts and let them occur without judgment. As you recognize self-limiting beliefs and feelings, eliminate them by focusing on positive thoughts about the present and future.

    2. The author Charles Dickens advised, "Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many - not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." Don't brood over mistakes, carry grudges, or harbor hate.

    3. Worrying is a wasted effort and the breeding ground of doubt. It will lead you to contemplate potential losses rather than effective solutions. The antidote to worry is positive action.

    4. Adversity comes to each of us in time. Expecting rather than dreading this adversity can make challenging periods seem less daunting and will allow you to accept that you possess the strength to conquer each obstacle as you have conquered obstacles in your past.

    5. Assume that hidden in every setback there is a lesson. Consciously choose to think of the challenges you face in a positive way: as a learning experience, an opportunity to demonstrate your strengths, or the first step on a new path.

    6. Think about what you desire, not what you fear. Visualize future successes with the belief that you will achieve them, and then take action. When you are working diligently toward a goal, there will not be time to ponder the obstacles.

    7. When negative thoughts and feelings threaten to overwhelm you, take a "time out" and do something that makes you happy. Letting yourself be swept away in a favorite activity or meditation will inspire well-being.

    8. Be confident that no matter what adversity you face, you will be strong enough to remain positive and optimistic. Knowing that there is no obstacle you cannot overcome will give you that strength.


    Master is home!

    I won’t be able to find words that will describe how extremely proud I am of Him. He made a video – something He had never done and He did an incredible job. It might even be put on public TV. I am so proud of Him.

    And then to top it off…He won an award. Every year he and his peers nominate a person who was the most valuable to the team and Master was the person that got it this year.

    He is proving repeatedly how technology helps their field. And more and more people are coming to Him for it. I think he is really heading on a great path for his career and I am so happy for Him and so proud of Him.

    We are taking a day trip today to see the colors changing! I think it is appropriate for the time in our life….autumn equinox was yesterday and lots of changes coming to this fall for us.

    Tuesday, September 21, 2004

    Birthday Wish....

    It is a friend's birthday today and she does not celebrate it. I guess I feel that birthday's should be celebrated. I look at her life and think of all the things she has accomplished. All the people she has touched and I feel that is worth celebrating. So, tonight I wish her Happy Birthday and light a candle to celebrate her....because I am grateful she was she has blessed my life as a friend.


    Happy Birthday!

    Sunday, September 19, 2004

    Tarot Reading...

    I did a simplified celtic cross tonight....

    1. Ace of Cups – Your experience to date
    2. The Devil – Where you are now
    3. Seven of Cups – The Near Future
    4. Ten of Wands – You in the environment of the Future
    5. The Tower –Best you can hope for
    6. The Fool - Outcome

    Saturday, September 18, 2004


    So, this week has been very hectic. Master has been beyond busy and my job has been trying to make everything go smoother for Him.

    I don’t even remember what we did as all the days are smushed together. Thursday afternoon though I went with Master to work. We ran errands for His work. And then I helped them get ready for this big meeting. It was nice to chat with His co-workers. Two bad things – I started getting a migraine (but kept on working) and I saw a mouse (BIG fear of MICE – BIG!). We left about 10pmish, but got several projects done.

    Then Friday Master woke up to emails wanting more changes to the major project He had been doing and thought was done. He had about 10 projects that people wanted Him to help with…as He is the tech guy that can make things pull together with style. As the tech part kind of stumps a lot of people in His office. So He had several projects but one project was IT. It was the thing He was enjoying the most even with the headache of it. It was producing a video. And it turned out GREAT! And I am very proud of Him. He did an amazing job! I found out today that His big big boss thought it was incredible.

    Master left this morning for the conference and will be back Tuesday. He already had a busy day but He sounded totally pumped after His boss’s comments and others after seeing it today.

    I actually went back to bed for a bit after He left as I am exhausted too. I know He is too. After I got up, I did some cleaning that did not get done this week with helping Master. I then did some cooking. We had more tomatoes left this week with all our running around we did not eat dinner at home much this week. So, I decided to make some sauce and freeze it. It was the first time I made homemade sauce…it seemed like it turned out.

    I then spent the afternoon watching TV. Do you know how long it has been since I have just sat in front of a TV without doing something? I mean even when I watch TV I am usually doing something – folding laundry, getting bills ready for Master, filing, clipping coupons, and so on. But today I just vegged in front of the TV. I watched a strange assortment of movies…On A Clear Day You Can See Forever with Barbra Streisand (which truthfully I had on while making the sauce it was not until the next one that I sat down and vegged), Somewhere In Time with Christopher Reeves and Jane Seymour, and then Mannequin with Andrew McCarty and Kim Cattrall. So, you can see it was literally vegging in front of the TV as it was not anything that involved thinking!

    My Dad is irritating me…I have been getting political emails from Him. Tonight was about praying for Bush. He knows I will not be voting for Bush, so why does he feel the need to annoy me so! I started an email to him, but I want Master to read it before I send it.

    Tomorrow I want to clean the office while Master is not in it…as He has been in it a lot lately. It needs some serious cleaning. I have a few other projects to do while He is gone. And emails…I still am not caught up on my emails.

    Well I am going to veg some more before going to bed.

    Tuesday, September 14, 2004

    Life Update - Gmail Thingie - Hot to Serve

    Life Update
    Been sick - Sunday evening I went to bed not feeling well at all....Monday I was sick all day. Tuesday still kind of recovering. I owe several people emails and I am going to get to a few tonight as I feel Master is going to be up late and I would rather be up sitting here next to Him in the office then alone in bed. But if you don't hear from me tonight - know you will get one soon.

    Gmail Invite Thingie
    Anyone who want a gmail or wants to give their invites away....without all the work of pimping them...go here. It is place that disperses them. You can also go here and they give them to people in the military wanting them. I have used both services now and it a nice away to get rid of them.

    Hot to Serve
    Okay this is not going to make sense to many people probably...

    Master has had so much going on for work. He has been working lots of hours...such as Going in at 9am coming home at 9pm and then working at home from 10pm to 2am or 3am. Getting up at 7am and working a few hours before He starts that all over again. This weekend I asked Him if there was anything I could do and He actually said yes. He usually does not have anything I can do that because it is technical stuff for His job. But this project was making graphs. And I could do that.

    Saturday He did most of them and it ended up that they all needed to be changed. So on Sunday evening while Master watched the Broncos play and taking a much needed rest from all the work He has been going - I did the work...His work.

    And okay this is going to sound so strange, but it made me really hot to be used like that...knowing He was out enjoying football while I did His work.

    He also is having me go help them put together all their binders this week. And I actually feel very privileged that I get to go to work with His boss and Him to do this. All it will be is punching holes and inserting them into ringed binders, but I am serving Master in a way I don't normally and it makes me feel good.

    I am going to be packing for Him and making food for Him to bring with Him to the big conference, but these other ways of serving Him has been nice and...well turned me on.

    Saturday, September 11, 2004

    Thoughts on BDSM and service...and more

    I was reading Mistress Matisse’s blog…she posted a prayer. It is one of those that gets posted all over the place every so often. I have seen it for years.

    I actually found the post talking about the prayer more interesting then the prayer. The post states the prayer has nothing to do with BDSM. And I agree with that. (Which I will get to in a moment.)

    But first the prayer (which to me is more of a poem)…It, to me, reads as someone who has first come into D/s maybe….it is romantic hearts and flowers. It equates to that giddy feeling we get when we first met someone that just makes us all fluttery inside.

    That being said if you break the prayer apart and see the mindset behind the prayer– I can see how it relates to a D/s or M/s relationship within reality. It shows mindfulness of serving and learning to come into that service with grace, devotion and dedication. All those things together bring a spiritual quality. It is that spiritual or even Zen quality that comes in the quietness of knowing you are being who you are suppose to be. And those feelings I can relate to in my relationship with Master.

    I know I have said affirmations and written reflections that say similar things about my relationship with Master. I know that I have written hearts and flowers poetry to my Master and even posted in my blog for all to read. I am a sappy romantic person at times. And I hope that no one uses it against me like has been done with the person who wrote the prayer/poem.

    I do hate that some people starting out (well heck even those who have been doing it a while) in D/s tend to take those prayers, the submissive creed and nine levels of submission and think that is what living 24/7 as a submissive or slave is about. When in reality most of those were probably written in the new stages of a blossoming D/s relationship….so again during the hearts and flowers stages. And again, I don’t have anything against hearts and flowers, I just wish people would open their eyes and see it is romantic hearts and flowers - which in reality is usually only a little tiny part of life.

    And that is where I have a problem with Matisse’s post. Because I don’t feel she is seeing it for what it is….basically a love poem with a D/s twist. I also feel she is comparing apples and oranges in her post.

    What the post talks about throughout is BDSM and I think the prayer is really geared towards service oriented D/s or M/s. Although Dominance and submission fall within the BDSM acronym - I consider BDSM and what the pray to be talking about different. To me she is comparing apples and oranges. They both are fruit but both are different fruit.

    BDSM is all the kinky fun stuff to me. It is the scenes, sessions, play time…all the things that are the kinky goodness. It turns you on – makes you hot and wet. But what the prayer is talking about is the service - the dedication to that service and finding serenity in serving. (which actually at times can turn me - make me hot and wet.)

    Fulfilling ones nature and calling to me are reason enough to be doing M/s or D/s. And although SM most of the time makes me wet, I still - even in that moment- am in service to my Master. And serving him is…my calling.

    If a person says or writes a prayer or poem or even a few lines to meditate on to gain focus in their service, I say go for it! And I say to people reading it….we all live this lifestyle differently. Some are in it because is it who they are and others do it for fun. And neither are the wrong way to do it.

    Friday, September 10, 2004

    Bruschetta Chicken Bake

    I have not tried this recipe but I really like Bruschetta so this might be good. I also would change the recipe a little as I would want to make my own stuffing out of whole wheat and white bread. It looks like a comfort food recipe to me!

    Bruschetta Chicken Bake

    1 can diced tomatoes (14.5), undrained
    2 cloves of garlic, minced
    1 pkg. (6oz) Stove top Stuffing mix for Chicken
    1 1/2 lbs boneless skinless chicken breast, cut into bit sized pieces
    1 tsp dried basil leaves
    1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese

    Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Place Tomatoes with liquid in medium bowl. Add garlic and stuffing mix and 1/2 cup water; stir just until stuffing mix is moistened. Set aside.

    Place chicken in 13 x 9 inch baking dish; sprinkle with basil and cheese. Top with stuffing mixture.

    Bake 30 min. or until chicken is cooked through.

    Thursday, September 09, 2004

    I got a Spanking!

    Belly pressed down on the soft bed, my bottom on display for Daddy. I lay there waiting goosepimpled, vulnerable and excited all at once. My hands clutched the blanket on the bed. Master has a tall bed and so He stood next to the bed. His hand ran lightly over my bottom and down my thighs and back up over my bottom to my back. He slowly did soft touches making my whole body start to tingle with His touch and the anticipation of the spanking I was about to receive.

    I wiggled around just a little…body shaking, thighs kind of clenching and unclenching together…trying to relax my bottom before the first smack. I took some air holding it without even really realizing I was holding it.

    My bottom twitched in anticipation and finally with a well practiced gesture, Daddy brought His hands up and then down across my bottom creating his own rhythm. It is the drummer in Him. The spanking start kind of light (not totally light though – ouch) – warming up my bottom to a nice glowing shade of red. The spanking progressed. At first, Master confined his blows to just one buttcheek, but then of course moved to the other. He followed a methodical rhythm that had me squirming and moaning as well as shouting ouch with each smack.

    He then picked up the pace with the rhythm He had going. As He started going faster, He also started smacking harder. I am sure my bottom was bing cherry red. I would rock kind of back and forth from the pain of each stinging swat. And even with all that wiggling, Master never missed His mark. His palms landed with unerring aim and gravity….feeling my flesh swell around the pressure of His hand hitting my bottom.

    Master would hear…”OWW! OH, Master!! AHH! Ouch! Master!!”

    Master laughed and continued on with His sadistic streak making sure each slap He administered became more and more torturous. Master had such a willing and supple round fanny lying across His bed. It was that love hate thing that goes on so often with me. It hurt, but I kept raising my bottom up to meet the swats. My bottom felt hot and blistered. Master ended the spanking with a crescendo of slaps making me scream and moan before tucking me into bed.

    I fell asleep really fast! It is such a nice way to go to bed.


    SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): There are issues stewing from the past few days, and you may feel as if you are passing through the eye of the storm. Perhaps you are, but it's difficult to know in which direction you'll turn once the turmoil settles. Stay focused on your career. It's still going to pay off, as long as you stay patient. If you do lose patience, however, the meltdown can be very powerful and therapeutic for you.

    LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): It's a day for emotional dialogues as you confront the widening gulf between your thoughts and feelings. These internal "conversations" don't need another person; they can be expressed internally, as you observe the conflict between two active inner voices. Of course, it can also be expressed outwardly in a relationship. Although you have an opportunity to open wide to another person, you should try to steer clear of situations that would require you to stay strictly in the logical and rational realms.

    Music: French Kiss 2
    Mood: good :)

    S&M Political Video

    Yesterday Master had sent me a news link talking about a video of a Dominatrix beating on a man playing the part of Bush. Well this morning someone on live journal posted a link to the video. It is a music video and the Dominatrix is played by Dita Von Tesse. Dita is very yummy!

    here is the link...

    Wednesday, September 08, 2004

    Going back to my roots....OH NO!

    Okay so I went over to Chelle's and she had the one from Iowa where she I believe is originally from...which inspired me to go read this list about North Dakota ...

    I was laughing so hard Master thought I was going to pass out.

    I was born and lived in North Dakota until I was 10 years old. Most of my relatives live there or in Minnesota.

    I related to this list all to well....that is VERY scary. And like Chelle...I am thinking I should be embarrassed!

    You Know You're From North Dakota When...

    Vacation means going to Medora.

    You've seen all the biggest bands, 20 yrs after they were popular.

    East means to Fargo.

    You know several people who have hit a buffalo.

    You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.

    You only lock your car in August, so it doesn't get filled with zucchini.

    You think 4 major food groups are: beef, chokecherry wine, pork and Jell-O with marshmallows.

    You carry a blizzard survival kit in your car 12 months a year.

    You find 3 feet of snow a minor inconvenience.

    You know if another North Dakotan is from southern, middle or northern ND as soon as they open their mouth.

    There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more, but McDonalds are spread out every 100 miles.

    You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

    You know Ole & Lena personally.

    Though your not breaking the law, you break into a cold sweat when to game warden appears.

    You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

    You find it exciting to stare through a hole in the ice and look at the bottom.

    You can tell the difference between a gopher and a chipmunk at 300 yards.

    You think white rice is exotic and wild rice is hot dish.

    Somewhere in the state is a piece of frozen metal with bits of your tongue stuck to it.

    When you win the prize for the smallest fish, you're proud of it.

    You hate "Fargo" but realize your entire family has the accent.

    People borrow things to you.

    You keep the snow tires on your truck all year because it isn't worth taking them off for only two months.

    You are proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year because Bismarck is the coldest spot in the nation.

    You think a basketball team consists of twelve white boys.

    Someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there.

    You're polite to telemarketers.

    You have a nickname for your chain saw and you pat it on the fuel tank at the end of a hard day's sawing.

    You may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Lutefisk.

    You go to a high school basketball game, the score is 12-8 at halftime... and you don't think there's anything strange about that.

    You know how to say Fargo and Minot.

    You never had to rewind any part of "Fargo" because you missed some of the dialogue.

    Your town isn't trying to be ironic when it plans a "Winter Carnival."

    Your bank has the name of your town included in its name.

    You think that "UFF DA" is a standard English phrase.

    You can recite, from memory, more than a half-dozen "Ole and Lena" jokes.

    Every time you see moonlight on a lake you think of a dancing bear, and sing, gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters... Hamm's, the beer refreshing. Hamm's, the beer refreshing."

    Your dog dies, you lose your job, and your car breaks down, all on the same day, and the first thought that comes to your mind is, "It could be worse!"

    Your definition of a small town is one that has only one bar.

    "Down south" means Aberdeen.

    You have no problem spelling "Wahpeton".

    You expect to be excused from school for deer hunting season and harvesting.

    Your soup du jour at your hometown cafe is always beer cheese or knoephla.

    You think of something other than the Bible when you hear the words "Great Flood".

    You drive to town during a blizzard just to see if the weatherman knows what he's talking about.

    You assume everyone has seen northern lights and sundogs.

    You cry when a tree is cut down but complain when a new one is planted because it blocks the view.

    You think cold weather gear is a bottle of schnapps.

    After you discuss the weather, conversation declines.

    You understand "AYH, y'betchyah" means either "I agree" or "You're full of it" and know the difference.

    You grew up thinking rice was only for dessert.

    You think that ketchup is a little too spicy.

    You didn't know there was a Red River Valley in Texas

    The band you choose for your wedding has to know rock, country, and polkas.

    Young boys still get BB guns for Christmas.

    You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from North Dakota.

    You Know You're From Cleveland When...

    Okay so I don't live in Cleveland anymore but I got a lot of these so I had to share....for those that know Cleveland.

    A real journal entry coming later.

    You Know You're From Cleveland When...

    Your idea of fine cuisine includes keilbasa and Stroh's beer

    You think the Antichrist walks among us and moved to Baltimore in 1995

    You refer to Pittsburgh as a Third World nation

    You have to look at a map before you realize Cincinnati is NOT in Kentucky

    You think political correctness involves using the term "certain ethnic" when telling a joke

    You believe plastic lawn flamingos are essential in any landscaping project

    Your second car is completely dissolved by salt by the time April rolls around

    The phrase "lake effect" strikes terror in your heart

    You actually remember when Dennis Kucinich was mayor

    You see nothing wrong with wearing white sox with black shoes, even when wearing a tux

    Party music involves an accordion

    You always knew you lived in the Rock n Roll Capital of the World

    You know more about Frankie Yankovic than Weird Al Yankovic

    Tourists ask you what time the river catches fire

    You believe the Second Coming meant the Browns returning in 1999

    You don't really know any homosexuals, you just know that there are a lot of them in Lakewood.

    You know you don't really have an accent, the rest of the world does.

    You hear there are always famous people in town, but you have never seen one.

    You hate country music, don't know anyone that does like country music, and yet WGAR just won the country music station of the year.

    You take credit for Cedar Point even though it is 2 hours away.

    You honestly believe that Cleveland is the best city in the world.

    The Tri-C jingle "students for life" scares the hell out of you.

    You take Dead Man's Curve at 60 mph holding your breath.

    You know about the Eastside/Westside rivalry, but don't really understand it.

    "Good Morning from the Buzzard Morning Zoo" is a jingle you'll never forget.

    Your neighborhood schools went without sports because all the senior citizens refused to pass the levies.

    You actually know how to pronounce Cuyahoga.

    You can't tell Brook Park, Brooklyn, or Old Brooklyn apart.

    You see Christmas lights still up in July.

    You love BW-3, but have no clue what the heck weck is.

    You find yourself singing "Garfield 1-2323" in the shower.

    You're still dumbfounded by the Leaping Fountain in Tower City.

    You have never ridden in a taxi.

    You wear shorts the first day of the year it isn't below 30 and snowing, just because you can.

    You have gotten 3 speeding tickets, and they are all from the mile long stretch of a suburb named Linndale.

    You have no idea how exactly to get to the Flats, you just kind of end up on a bank and start partying.

    You really don't know what the Warehouse District is, you just know that it's a great place to party.

    You know who the Jake really is

    You hate Baltimore and you have never been there.

    St. Patty's Day is your number one holiday, and you aren't Irish.

    You're still relishing 1987 when we ALMOST made it to the Super Bowl.

    You counted down with the monument in Tower City to the exact second in 1999 when the Browns came back.

    You heard Bill Clinton and Drew Carey love Parma Pierogies, but you have yet to ever eat there.

    You know Tower City isn't a city at all.

    You're Polish.

    Stories of Little Italy still send chills down your spine.

    At least half of your wardrobe is Tribe apparel.

    You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Cleveland.

    Monday, September 06, 2004


    Beauty is desired in order that it may be befouled; not for its own sake, but for the joy brought by the certainty of profaning it. ~ Georges Bataille

    I think that is hot! It is George Bataille paraphrasing DeSade. I am on a Live Journal community that posts things such as it all the time. For me often on the community it is the kind of stuff that I go oh that why did that make my heart beat a little fast...why did that make me oh so hot.

    Sunday, September 05, 2004

    Happy Birthday Honey!

    I hope that you have a great birthday!

    On to other news...

    Well I am sitting here with much shorter hair. When I moved here my hair was down to the top of my bottom – all one length. Then in December of 2003 I had a lot of damage to my hair – the dry weather here is not nice to my hair. Anyway, Master thought it would be good if I got it cut a little shorter so then it was just hitting my mid-back.


    Well it is maybe an inch to 2 inches below my shoulders. And I now have bangs.

    I am not sure if I like it. It was/is a hard change for me. But it was what Master wanted. And so my hair got chopped off for Him. He really likes it so that is good.

    One good thing I thought of last night in regards to it…is that I can put it in pigtails. I realized this when Daddy was tucking me into bed. When He tucks me in bed, the little girl in me comes out so easily. Anyway, I realized that my hair now will probably look very cute in pigtails. My hair was so long that I had those long pigtails and it just did not look good on me. So one evening we might be having a Daddy/little girl night. I will wear pigtails and other little girl things. We will watch Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory and I can color pictures for Daddy.

    Friday, September 03, 2004

    Buddhist Wisdom

    Since your mind is not physical,
    No one else can destroy it.
    But because of its attachments to the body,
    It is harmed by physical suffering.



    In watching a few relationships, I have noticed a lot of struggling with submission because of lack direction from the Dominant. The submissive/slave wants to submit and wants to bend to the will of their Dominant but the Dominant is not showing her where he wants her to bend and submit.

    I have been in this place in past relationships and also seen others go through this as well. Often after a submissive expresses the lack of direction, I have heard, "well you just need to obey." But if the Dominant is not giving anything to obey how is she suppose to obey? I think Dominants might confuse direction with active Dominance. (Which active Dominance is a topic for another time.) Now that might be the case as well but direction does not have to be a constant active.

    Here is an analogy to try to clarify my point…

    Lets use a recent college graduates as the example. They desire to have a job in their field. They know their field and enjoy it. Then they land that job….the job they think is just perfect. Now just because a person knows the field does not mean they know how to do the job. They would not know what to do without direction. So, the boss needs to tell them how to do the job. Otherwise, they will be left to their own ideas of the field instead of the actual job. And thus the job probably will not get done how the boss wants.

    And the same goes in these cases I am talking about…

    Submissives might know that they are submissive or slave. They most likely have a desire to be in a D/s or M/s relationship. They probably have a desire to serve and please. But without the direction of the Dominant they will go by what they know about their desires instead of what the Dominant wants them to do.

    So, these women I see struggling are submissive, but they are lacking direction. The Dominants needs to let the submissive know how he wants to be served and pleased. He needs to let the submissive know where the boundaries are in their relationship. He needs to define the relationship so that she knows where to go and what to do more easily.

    When those things are not expressed or communicated the submissive most likely will fall back on what she thinks is best. Now, to me, that is the submissive leading not the Dominant. And doesn’t the Dominant want to lead in D/s and M/s power dynamics?

    I can hear some people might say she could learn by watching. And I agree with that to a point. But without some initial direction she will go in a direction she thinks is best because she will be in the dark on what the Dominant is actually wanting.

    So, if he wants it to be about him – to me he needs to make it about him by directing.

    Gmail Invites...

    I have A LOT of gmail invites....between my regular email and our website email. So if anyone wants one..or knows someone who wants one please have them write me at

    Thursday, September 02, 2004

    Life Update

    Okay so Working Girls is done. Pussy Ranch is done. I know there are a few other blogs that ended also. Please no more!

    I have become hooked on The West Wing lately. It happened the other night Master was busy working so I was folding clothes while watching TV. Bravo plays The West Wing nightly. I happen to watch it the night they show the first episode of season 5 (7A WF 83429) - Zoey Bartlett has been kidnapped. And of course, it drew me in….since then they have been recorded nightly. Master seems to be hooked also now. The song at the end of that first episode was incredible. I cried just from the song alone. So of course I had to go find it….with Master's help….It was Sanvean by Lisa Gerrard.

    This week and last, I have felt very down. Tired, drained and feeling like I am trudging through my submission. It feels very murky. I don't have the desire to submit. I am and I want to be Master's slave, but I just feel so tired. And every little thing I do feels like it takes so much effort.

    And then today I had the bouts of feeling like I could do nothing right. That I can't please Master no matter what I do.

    I once had someone tell me they never heard of submissive burning out. But I am here to say I know more submissives that seem to go through it then dominants and I wonder why that is?

    It is not like I don't want to serve Master….I do but it seems to be lacking the enthusiasm that I had…

    I am sure it is just stress. I am so worn out. I have not been sleeping well for about 3 weeks. And I know Master is stressed and I feel that too. I also think it has something to do with the time of the year. As I remember feeling like this in the past at this time of the year.

    Wednesday, September 01, 2004

    Salisbury Steak

    1 1/2 pounds ground round (I use about half ground round and half ground turkey to cut down on some fat)
    1/4 cup finely chopped onion (the orginal called for 1/2 to maybe a cup but I am not a big onion fan)
    1/2 cup long-grain rice -- cooked ( I have left out on occassion when I did not have any on hand)
    1/4 teaspoon pepper
    1 egg white
    1 cup sliced onions (I leave them in their rings)
    1 cup mushrooms -- sliced
    2 Cups beef broth
    4 tablespoons worcestershire sauce
    2 tablespoons cornstarch
    3 tablespoons water

    Combine ground round, onion, rice, pepper, 2 tablespoons of worcestershire sauce, and egg white in a medium sized bowl; stir well. Divide mixture into 6 equal portions; shape each portion into 1 inch thick patty. Coat a nonstick skillet with cooking spray. Heat over medium high heat until hot. Add patties and cook until browned on both sides (about 4 minutes per side). Transfer to a plate and keep warm. Wipe skillet clean with a paper towel. Coat skillet with cooking spray; heat over medium high heat. Add onions and mushrooms; saute 5 minutes. Add broth,remaining worcestershire sauce. Cook for 10 more minutes, stirring occasionally. Return patties to skillet. Cover, reduce heat, and simmer 15 minutes. Transfer patties to serving platter, and keep warm. Combine cornstarch and water; add to broth mixture, stirring well. Bring to a boil; cook 1 minute, stirring constantly.Spoon sauce evenly over patties.
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