Tuesday, January 31, 2006


Post by Master on Defending the Lifestyle.

Moment to Cherish....

I get various random emails from people who don't know me but have read my blogspot, our website or something on a forum. Recently I got an email that I felt after reading it was one of those emails that was suppose to "turn me on" and "touch me" so that I would reply telling this person, "oh you are the greatest I wish I was your slave instead." I get those emails more often then not. Okay so Master and I got a good laugh from the things written that were suppose to turn me on -- but instead made me laugh.

So, this morning Master lifted his shirt up....and I reach out and touched his belly. He said, "yep rub the buddha belly." I said, "Rubbing buddha's belly can bring a person luck so I guess I will be lucky today if I am rubbing buddhas belly." He said, "Well I am not buddha and the most you will get from rubbing my belly is lint!"

I laughed so hard. He said he loves it when I laugh. I know mushy...and more mush ahead. But I went on to tell him that emails such as that guy wrote mean nothing to me. But moments like he and I just shared...I love....being silly, laughing and feeling that love and bond we have.....are the moments I do cherish.

Tomorrow marks 3 years and I hope that Master will want me for another 3 years...and another...and another....well you get the picture. I love Him very much and am grateful to be His slave sharing our journey together.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006


I would love to learn to knit. Every time I have looked at directions they have confused me -- especially being left handed. A while back a friend pointed me to directions that I might be able to actually follow. I just have not had time to test it out yet.

Today another friend was talking about knitting and posting images of things she wants to make. So many yummy goodies! And it made me think of a favorite folder of knitting stuff I have....occasionally I find something that I think...someday.

Sites with quite a few things I like....

elann - I think I like almost all the shawls on this one plus many other pieces
White Lies Designs - I really like the lingerie section
Marnie MacLean - I like so many things on this site but here are a few highlights - Bella Paquita, cuffs, leg warmers

Color on Color Scarf
Laced Up Tank
shoulder warmers
tank....here is her whole gallery of finished works.

Sweaters, Shawls and Ponchos
Mona Poncho
Asymmetrical Poncho
Collar Royale

Skirts and Dresses
Tank and Skirt
Anna Dress

Fuzzy Feet
Valentine Heart Socks
Petticoat Socks

Monday, January 23, 2006

various whatnot....

So I am not getting much time to fret about the dentist...my next appointment was suppose to be the end of Feb but they called today and said they had a cancellation for tomorrow and wondered if I would like it. Master said to say yes to it. They told me last time I was there that I will most likely be in pain for 24 hours. Yay me!

Not much else is going on around here. I really need to get going on my art room. It needs to be reorganized so badly. But it is such a huge project that at the moment every time I think about it I get overwhelmed with it. And I need to finish some projects but at the moment I can't even do that with how things are in there.

What else...

We played on Saturday and even though it was heavy I still didn't get any bruises.

Watched Long Way Round last night from netflix. We watched it when it was bravo also but enjoyed it again. It is an amazing journey. Ewan McGregor and his buddy Charly Boorman take a trip around the world on motorcycles and film it. I love the places they go, their feelings as they travel, the people they encounter....it is amazing. Made me so envious...the traveling to new places and meeting so many wonderful people.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

A Few Questions Answered....

I had some questions asked through comments recently here are the answers...

darling nikki asked: "How does you relationship look on to outsiders in real life? Do you 2 seem "normal" to everyone else?"

I would say that we look fairly normal. We are fairly normal to me -- Master gets up and goes to work, I look like a housewife, we pay bills, deal with overflowing toilet, laundry and snow to shovel and so on. I think at times people might think there is something different about us but usually can't pin down exactly what it is that is different. Recently Master was at some vanilla friends home -- he was working on something for them -- and the friends mentioned I was "really shy." When he told me they said that I was offended as I couldn't understand why they said that since they are the couple that I am the most relaxed around. But after discussing it with a few friends online -- I saw that they really do probably see me holding back more then being shy but associate it with shy. They see that they don't know me because I don't let my guard down around anyone because I can't. So in not knowing a lot about me they say I am shy. But I can't really be me around them. That doesn't mean I would be bowing down at Master's feet or eating on the floor in public if I could be free to be me. It mostly means I am so keenly aware of my position with Master that I don't want others to see so I am always holding back for fear those subtle nuances we have might show our dynamic of Master/slave. I also am keenly aware I am his and so I don't want to do anything to embarrass him....I want to represent his property well. Even to those that don't know I am his slave.

So over all I think we look like a regular vanilla couple. And those that are a little closer might sense something different but they don't ever seem to "get it."

"How did you meet Master?"
My Master was kind of "dating" (for the lack of a better word) a mutual friend. They eventually decided they were not made for each other but she thought that he should chat with me. So it was probably close to a year after that he wrote me. He was reading my blog and then found my ad on bondage.com. So he decided to drop me an email. I still remember reading that email. It is so crystal clear in my mind. His email was real. It was not an email of "hear me roar - see see I am dominant." It was this is who I am....hobbies, beliefs and so on. It was real. Being so real and no "macho arrogant dominant" got me right away so I had to write him back. After that we corresponded for a bit and then did IM's and phone conversations before I visited him. From there he claimed me as his and I moved to be with him. It will be 3 years February 1 that He claimed me as His. And I am very happy to be His slave.

"I have an inkling that I would like a Master, but I have children and don't think I could do the round the clock submissive thing."

Being submissive for me doesn't mean being sexual or doing BDSM in front of kids. It is about being pleasing, submitting and serving. And many of those things can be done within daily life without anyone noticing. I know there are a few blogs out there of slaves and submissives that have children in the household and are submissive and slave 24/7. Such as nuala, annissa, kaylem and annie, kayla...I also think joy and magdala have kids. But don't quote me on that. I am sure there are others I am forgetting also.

maya asked: "In your last top five post you mentioned not leaving the house without your Master.....I was just wondering if you would talk more fully on that, or have you and I just missed it? Was it something you wanted or just that he did? How was the adjustment. What are the things you like about it, what are the hard parts... That sort of thing. The concept is just intriguing to me."

I am not sure how much I have mentioned that I don't go anywhere without Master...I probably did early in on our relationship but now it just is...so it doesn't occur to mention it now. At first it was just Master creating me into His slave. He micromanaged me and thus part of that was not driving. He wanted me to be reminded that everything I do...even leave the house to go grocery shop is because HE allows it. I believe now although we just have one car now he likes that I am dependent on him. He has me drive every once in a while to keep up with it. I have a drivers license but it is in his wallet unless he gives it to me when I traveled without him.

It really wasn't much of an adjustment for me. I do at times get a craving to just go out and window shop or go grab a coffee out. But then if it is really something I want to do -- I may ask Master's permission and he will bring me out. Most of the time though it just passes when I remind myself who I am and that I can't go out on my own. Hard parts are such as presents for him....if I want to go shopping for a gift for him 1) I have to ask permission to get him a gift. 2) I have to ask for money 3) then I need to ask to go somewhere - where he will drop me off and then come pick me back up usually. Such at Christmas he dropped me off at the mall one day for Christmas shopping with money and then I called him when I was done and he came and got me brought me home. I at times feel that is a burden to him but he has assured me this is how he wants it.

Down points are...that at times I am now very nervous about being in new places without Master. It passes quickly though. Usually I end up being very grateful for those moments -- knowing He is allowing me that precious time on my own.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Top 5 Meme...Answers....Part 4

Padme asked Top 5 musicians/bands:
My music taste changes...a lot but U2, Depeche Mode and Incubus have been for years. Coldplay and Chantel have come into play the last 3 years.
1. U2
2. Depeche Mode
3. Coldplay
4. Chantal Kreviazuk
5. Incubus

Padme asked Top 5 movies:
These also change...and I am sure there are some I am forgetting at the moment...
1. Dances with Wolves
2. Breakfast at Tiffany's
3. The Legand of Bagger Vance
4. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
5. Matrix Trilogy

From lj friend Top 5 TV shows:
Do you see a theme with these TV shows? All cancelled except The West Wing.
1. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
2. Firefly
3. The West Wing
4. La Femme Nikita
5. Sex and the City

From lj friend Top 5 SM activities:
1. punching/slapping
2. breath play
3. single tail
4. bondage
5. hoods

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Top 5 Meme....Answers Part 3

These were asked on Livejournal.....so posting here too....

Top 5 favorite foods:
1. chinese food....I can't just pick one either
2. hamburger & fries
3. ice cream
4. chocolate
5. seafood

Top 5 happiest moments in your life:
1. very cliche but the moment Master claimed me as His
2. there have been wonderfully happy times with Master....day trips, dates, going to BDSM events just hard to choose one so i think of all of those
3. oddly enough...when I was an escort...i was very happy
4. another odd one....my 5th wedding anniversary with my ex-husband
5. when Morgan and I said i love you to each other

Annissa asked Top five reasons/things that you love/admire/like/think are neat about yourself:
This has been a hard one for to answer this week....
1. dedication to Master to this journey
2. i am loyal
3. creative...artistic (depending on which day you ask me and today is one of those days I am not wanting to list this)
4. make food that is enjoyed by others
5. giving

Top Five Quotes:
The person that asked me this one knew it would be HARD for me as I am quote whore...but as she said it takes one to know one. Most of these have I have loved for years and years. The Rumi one though an lj friend posted just this past week and I feel in love with it. So have read it everyday.

"I would like to beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love "the questions themselves" as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything.

Live the questions now.

Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
" - Rainer Maria Rilke

"A path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you . . . Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself alone, one question . . . Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't it is of no use." -- Carlos Castaneda, The Teachings of Don Juan.

"He knew one of the women well, and had shared his universe with her. They had seen the same mountains, and the same trees, although each of them had seem them differently. She knew his weaknesses, his moments of hatred, of despair. Yet she was there at his side. They shared the same universe." ~ Paulo Coelho, The Valkyries

In your light I learn how to love.
In your beauty, how to make poems.
You dance inside my chest,
where no one sees you,
but sometimes I do,
and that sight becomes this art.
- Rumi

"Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, is something helpless that wants our love." ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

If anyone wants to ask more of these...please feel free they were fun!

part of the old me is gone....

I am realizing how much of me...I have let go of....in this relationship....

Answering the top 5 questions have been hard for me to do as so much of what I did dream of is not my dreams now. And often my first thoughts are whatever Master would want or that I don't have a top 5 with that because I "can't" do that or have that...because it isn't up to me anymore or I know it is not what he wants.

And by the way...this is not a complaint....it just am realizing how much has changed...how engrained into me that I am not just my own woman. I am his property and that I bend to his desires, wants and needs. I have always known this but this morning I guess I am getting another view of it.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Master's Posts on Hearing....

Master wrote 2 good posts about his hearing impairment...the history with it...in his blog. I know a few of you had questions about it so these entries might help answer those questions.

Living in Silence: Part 1
Living in Silence: Part 2

Top 5 Meme....Answers Part 2

JeN asked Top 5 places to visit:
These are all places I have never been to and would like to visit
1. Ireland
2. Seattle
3. Italy
4. Japan
5. Amsterdam

Taylor asked Top 5 women who have been influential in your life:
I pondered this last night and this morning and I can't say that there is really anyone that has been someone who has totally been influential in my life. I can't even say my parents have influential in my life as I am so different from my family. I wonder what that says about me that I can't say I have 5 women who have influenced my life. I have had people who have helped me get through hard points in my life, people who have helped me sort things out, and then those who I admire. And maybe that is what influential means but I guess I see it as a person that has had such a great impact on your life that you change who you are....but most of the people I am going to list just helped me be me more.

So those women that I admire and who have helped at significant points in my life...going to be more then 5 because kind of grouping them together...

1. Morgan
2. Shelly and Sherry go on this same line. They were with me when I went through all the flash backs with Don. And I am sorry for how things ended with them.
3. DM - helped me in many areas
4. Jade, Jen, Annissa and Kaylee - I admire through their service oriented mindsets - their dedication and devotion
5. family...not just biological...in this group it is my Mom and sisters but also Moni, Nuala, Lisa, Lauren, Jackie, Honey...there long term...always going to be a part of each other.

Luna asked Top 5 guilty pleasures:
1. Project Runway
2. See music in part 1 of this meme - 70's and 80's music
3. Chocolate
4. trashy bodice ripping harliquin type book that can be read in one sitting snuggled under a blanket ( big plus if the heroine gets kidnapped)
5. doodling

more to come...

Top 5 Meme....Answers Part 1

These were asked on LiveJournal so thought I would post them here too....

Top five songs to listen to while cleaning the house:

This one was hard as there is not just five top songs. it is more like styles or era's of music that I do when housecleaning. I will often put one of those music channels on that are on the cable...sometimes it is Standards, other times 80's, 70's or todays hits. Or I will pop a cd in and then listen to the whole cd and change to another. So I am picking one song off of 5 cds that I often put into the cd player when cleaning. And this will probably be an embarrassing list! So thanks K!

1. Come into my World by Kylie Minogue
2. You should be Dancin by the Bee Gees (Saturday Night Fever Sountrack - tied close to the Xanadu Sountrack with ELO)
3. Tiny Dancer by Elton John
4. Into The Groove by Madonna
5. Jailhouse Rock by Elvis Presley

Top five books:

Which I have to say was easy for me as I have done those on a book meme before.

1. The Valkyries by Paulo Coelho
2. Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield
3. The Forgetting Room by Nick Bantock
4. The Pilgrimage by Paulo Coelho
5. Home Comforts: The Art and Science of Keeping House by Cheryl Mendelson

Top five ways to treat yourself:

this one was kind of hard for me also...I just can't treat myself...because it is all on his time. Which I know you understand. Also the things that I used to do as treats involved usually leaving the house...I can't do that now. Treats then were going and getting an ice cream cone, go shopping, go just get a coke and spend sometime reading a magazine outside at a favorite spot or Barnes and Noble. Now I don't leave the house without Master so....it is harder for me to just go out make a special treat for myself. I do have down time at home though and I guess that is a way to treat myself....and there are other things I could do here at home that would be a treat...but often don't do as I would feel guilty.

1. spend extra time in my art room
2. read
3. take a bath in our jet tub...don't do it often can count on one hand how many times I have done this in the past 3 years.
4. watch a movie while I soak feet in our little foot bath thing...then do a pedicure and foot spa like treatment
5. call a friend

Top five things on your "to do before i die" list:

1. to have more spiritual awareness for myself
2. to travel more
3. to be "successful" in my art
4. to say "yes this is it" in my service to Master. Meaning that I have reached a point where I have wanted to always be in it.
5. give back more into the world

Top 5 things that make you feel girlie:

1. lipstick
2. lingerie - especially under clothes out in public...like a teddy under a dress
3. glittery make up
4. twirly dresses or skirts
5. pink! any time I put on pink....it makes me feel girly

More to come....

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Top 5 Meme

This is a variant of the "ask me anything" meme; it suggests asking me for a list of my Top 5 in some category you choose. Ask and I'll give you my top 5 of anything.

Play along and put it in your journal too, if you like...I'm not tagging any one person

Saturday, January 14, 2006


You're a Braided Australian Cat. No nonsense, and you take no prisoners. Small children cry when they see you, and you like it like that.
You're a Braided Australian Cat. No nonsense, and
you take no prisoners. Small children cry when
they see you, and you like it like that.

What Type of Flogger Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Parents, Food & Wine

This will be just a quickie...I know I owe people emails, icons and comments but it probably won't happen until Tuesday.

My parents arrived safely. We wisked them out to do a mini wine tour shortly after they arrived. And came home with 8 bottles of wine! Oh my we tasted so many wonderful wines. I made stew for dinner, served with hard rolls and a nice red wine. We had butter cake with chocolate ganache icing and toffee ice cream after dinner. The cake turned out good except not as high as I believe it should have -- due to the altitude.

I am exhausted and need to iron a shirt for Master -- for tomorrow (which I might do int he morning). I will update more...after my parents leave.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Thursday, January 12, 2006


You are Mohair
You are Mohair.
You are a warm and fuzzy type who works well with
others, doing your share without being too
weighty. You can be stubborn and absolutely
refuse to change your position once it is set,
but that's okay since you are good at covering
up your mistakes.

What kind of yarn are you?
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Random Bits....

Yesterday was pretty stressful for me. I had a dentist appointment. I haven't been in a long time. And I knew I needed to go. I used to be really good about going to the dentist went once or twice a year for check ups and cleanings. And then when I lived in Topeka I had a bad dentist and from them on...I became scared. I told the dentist about the situation in Topeka and that I had been a good about going...and he started singing a little song...."you used to be a good girl but now you are a BAD girl." I know I was blushing and trying hard to stifle my giggles. They did an estimate of how much it will cost to do all the repairs and actually for all that needs to be done it is not that bad. Oh one bad thing that happened....I was so nervous my blood pressure was sky high - which I know kind of worried the technician. Oddly enough my bp had been going down and more stabilized lately....so my doc had me cutting back my meds and to see if I could be taken off them completely. I am sure it was just stress of the situation though so it is my hopes that my bp is still at a good level and going down so that I can go off the bp med.

Thoughts...front burner and back burner
I have front burner thoughts...those things going through my brain right now...such as this blog....but I also have some of the thoughts run on the back burner. Paulo Coelho had a phrase for it that I am not remembering at this time. You might think you are only thinking about x, y and z but often there is more there....being thought about and processed. I resolve issues in this place, often I worry about things I can't worry about up front or they will cause me to not function or focus on what is ahead of me that day and it is also the place I put things that I am in denial about. Not sure I am making sense. Anyway, for a long time I have had this thought that I didn't want to bring to the front because I knew if I did it would start plaguing my thoughts and I wouldn't be able to deny it any longer. Well I admitted it outloud to Master yesterday. And he totally understood why I wanted to be in denial about it. He did not force the issue. He just listened and was supportive of what I was feeling. But of course I couldn't sleep last night and yesterday it kept going in and out of those front burner thoughts. So now I get to decide what to do with this issue. I just hate that it came out right now.

On to other things....I have steamed cleaned the whole house this week. I got done with the last room yesterday. The carpet looks really good. I am happy Master decided to buy one. I need to try to organize my art room today. I am going to box some things up that are taking up space on a shelving unit...they are things I don't use or need at this time. So that will give me more room for art supplies and better organization.

Nice way to wake up
Master woke me by just gently caressing my breasts at first but moved to more harsh treatment of them slapping and squeezing them hard. He ended up masturbating on me. I love the way that feels....being just used by him for his pleasure. It was a nice way to wake up!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006


Okay I meant to write about this a long long time ago but of course I am just getting around to it.

Master is hard of hearing. He doesn't have hearing at all in one ear. And the other ear is probably lower then 50% hearing. Master doesn't pipe up often enough to say I am hard of hearing or at least to ask them repeat something when he is only catching little bits of it. Instead of asking for person to repeat something when he hasn't hear them he will just go along like has heard them. And I know he has been doing this all his life so it is a hard habit to break. But it bothers me. Though lately what has been bothering me even more is people he interacts with being very rude when it is obvious he isn't hearing them. I guess I shouldn't be upset with them...as they don't know for sure he is hard of hearing but it still bothers me a lot because it just feels like people are very inconsiderate. They just assume he is being rude instead of thinking about what just happened. Because if they took 2 seconds they would say "why did he answer that way -- it had nothing to do with what I said." Then to me it is clear that he didn't hear what they said.

Example: Master was getting his license renewed and the lady behind the counter who is facing him but blocked by a machine so that it blocks the sound of her voice as well as her lips...reaches around and hands Master's a piece of paper pointing to the place to sign. While she did that she said "read this through and then when I tell you...sign." Basically she needed to get the machine in place -- while he was reading and once through she should have it where it would record his signature. Okay well Master didn't hear the part about waiting to sign. And she was pointing so he got the idea of what to do....so he signs and then reads it over. It wasn't very long and it was just one of those things that had all his info and he needed to verify that it was right. She gets all huffy and said "you weren't suppose to sign yet....well I guess you did though." Okay she is still blocked so he doesn't even hear her say that. I am sitting a little ways away and so I pipe up he didn't hear you. She just gave me this look like I was stupid...like the man is standing right here and of course he heard me. And kind of rolled her eyes at me.

Okay so then she is still behind the machine still....and tells him that he can stand against the curtain to get his picture taken. He again doesn't move. He never even heard her say anything. So she finally steps around the machine and says it again a little louder and looking at him. And he moves to the curtain. You could see that she had a lightbulb moment....of damn he is hard of hearing. But of course being the wonderfully considerate woman she is...she lets that info leave her brain quickly and continues to mumble and not look at him as while she talks. At the end she said something about a form that would be mailed to him and turns and walks away. So he standing there wondering where the form is...I get up and tell him. And then she turns around and gives him a dirty look like....why is he still here.

I wanted to throttle her. I really did. I wanted to go complain to supervisor because her tone when Master had not heard her was just so bitchy! And even after she figured it out that he wasn't really hearing her she still was being bitchy to him...she acted like he was purposely ignoring her.

Cashiers and wait staff have also been getting on my nerves due to the same reason of acting like his purposefully ignoring them or not listening to them.

A waitress asked Master if he wanted another drink one night. And he answered that whatever he was eating was great. It was so not the answer to go with do you want another drink so to me it is obvious he didn't hear her right. Instead of asking again she just kind of gave him this look like he was being rude. And so I said to him she asked if you would like another drink. And he said, "oh sorry no I am fine." And she still acted like he had been rude to her.

It has been been on my mind and bothering me.

Sunday, January 08, 2006


Master wrote a cute piece in his blog about shopping.

Migraine...Busy Week Ahead....

So yesterday I was hit with the migraine from hell.....I was very close to having Master bring me to the ER. I hate when it is like that. Then of course today was spent trying not to make it flare up again. We did get all the Christmas decoration down and put away so that is good. I was very appreciative of Master's help with it. This week will be very busy for me as my parents are coming to visit next weekend. And I have tons to do before they get here. Master and I kind of planned out what we will do while they are here. Dad wanted to go our favorite winery again so we are thinking of doing a whole winery tour type thing the first day. The second day we might take a day trip. And then third will be left for shopping as I know my Mom will want to go shopping while she is here. We have a really pretty downtown with wonderful little gift shops and art galleries. I didn't know what I was going to make for my Dad's birthday cake but a good friend helped me out with that so now that is decided.

I have been trying to decide what things I need to move or change to parent-proof the house. Most of my lifestyle related books will probably just stay on the bookshelves in the bedroom. But the toys and such will be put away. My Mom is not a snoop but she is at the same time. She likes to look around -- but not go through drawers or such but if I give her time alone she would go into our bedroom and look at the bookshelf. When they were here last every time she headed that way I asked her what she needed...usually it was a magazine as I am a magazine whore...so I finally just brought my magazine rack from the bedroom out to her. I also need to think about if I need to move all my tarot, new age and buddhism books as I don't want to get questioned about them again. My Mom once picked up my Osho Zen tarot set that I was given as a gift....and said she felt they were evil. So that is why I wondering if I should clear those off my desk....as I know the might be checking email and such while here from my computer.

It sucks having to hide those things because I don't want to get into it for the one millionth time. The books on bondage and fetish photography in our bedroom would go over better then the books on Buddhism and Tarot.

Well I am going to sign off and go work on some art things. I have lots of things to send off this week.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Birthday Wish...

I hope you have a very Happy Birthday.....celebrating YOU, Lauren! *hugs and kisses*

Friday, January 06, 2006


I was just reading a friend's journal and someone told her she had a certain quality and it seemed to bother and surprise her....which I could understand...as I don't see her that way either. But while reading her post just now.....it made me think of something that happened tonight....

Master went by the home of some friends tonight after work -- to help them with their computer. I consider them friends - not close friends as in they know about our lifestyle -- but friends that I am comfortable socializing with and even enjoy just one on one having a conversation beyond small talk. Well they told Master tonight that I am shy...not just shy...."really shy." Now....I am shy. I am actually more shy since being here with Master then I was before. But I haven't in my opinion been shy around them for quite some time. I was surprised....amazed and bothered by what they said. Why did it bother me? I am not sure why it bothered me since the statement that I am shy is accurate. But I guess because I am not shy with them and actually have felt at times that I am talking too much.

It really made me think what other friends locally think of me....because with these friends I am much more relaxed then I am with others. So others must think I am incredibly shy.

And then it made me think maybe it is because of our lifestyle....maybe they are reading....my doing everything with Master...as shy? I am probably reading way more into it...then there is even there. Maybe.

Wrapping it up.....

I get so filled up with hope and good feelings and it seems they are deflated easily this week. I just don't feel the good feeling tonight. I feel down and weepy and I am sure it has a lot to do with my period. I was looking at a couple artists sites tonight and then I envied the talent they have...and felt even more weepy and horrible. So it just feels like one thing on top of the other today.....started right away this morning and doesn't feel like it is ending. Lets hope it leaves so the weekend is not this way.

So this is a whine whine whine post....but it felt like it needed to come out. I kept starting it and erasing it and starting and erasing. I hate when I do that.

This is my last holidalies post...what a way to end them huh? I am glad that I did the holidalies. I did at least one post a day from December 7th to today. It was interesting. I read some very interesting posts through the holidalies website. There are a couple blogs that I want to follow now after reading them through the holidalies.

This weekend I will most likely take down the holiday layout and put up either my old layout or if I get a quick creative burst for it...maybe a new layout...though I doubt it as I have lots of other things on my plate this weekend.

I do hope that everyone had wonderful holidays!


from my daily om horoscope..."Remembering that you have the power to create your own reality can give you the ability to change your world to meet your needs. When you believe that the ultimate control over your fate and feelings rests in your hands, you can make your wishes come true. Your thoughts can determine what your present and future will be like, and you will be able to draw what you want into your life. You can find the ultimate happiness when you are willing to make the effort to create your own reality because your world will be tailor-made to your specifications. Positive energy and thoughts will bring forth positive results. When you create your own reality today rather than assuming others are in control, you'll be able to satisfy yourself no matter what."

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Reminders of Place

A long while back someone online that I have been on many lists with over the years posted in her journal about "Reminders of Place." She is someone who always has an interesting perspective to me so I enjoy reading her posts.

Most of what I am going to say I said in her comments but her post kept popping up in my head. And also this disclaimer will be needed -- this is just what works for me and is done in our relationship of course others might use reminders of place and there is nothing wrong with that...just going to explain why it does not work in our relationship.

We don't do regular reminders of place. By reminders of place...I mean regular beatings or regular active domination. It is something that I used to think I needed or was something "all submissives" needed so I must need it too. It was part of that "group think" that I got caught up in - before realizing not all that is out there is made for everyone.

In the past, I think I desired reminders of place because it was attention and SM from the dominant. And I do enjoy both. But over the years I have changed. And so, when I would read that submissives wanting a "reminder of place" -- I thought there was something wrong with me for not desiring that. I convinced myself that I needed reminders of place. Combine that with me being an attention slut and well...it was negative attention and I found although I seemed to bring it on -- it really was not something I wanted.

In a past relationship, I told (yes told) the dominant that he was suppose to give me daily spankings for reminder of my place. And so of course it was long long discussions full of emotions....in the end he started to do them but they wouldn't last. They would die down and so I would get upset and get snippy. I hate even recounting these memories because they make me cringe that I behaved that way...but I did. I now see they never lasted because he was going against his nature and they were not what he truly desired. And because I really did not react well to them. So that push and pull went on for a while until...they were dropped by the way side.

It was not until I was out of the relationship that I realized that I really don't want or need reminders of place because I do that myself. It took me a long time to allow myself to be comfortable being me. And also to get the attention I am given is much better when given because the dominant wants to give it rather because he feel obligated to "remind me of my place." So now I look back in past relationships and see really what was going on. I see when the dominant tried to give me a reminder of my place - it usually annoyed me more then bringing me into a more submissive mindset.

I don't feel I need reminders of my place from Master because that is part of my job. If I am forgetting my place, then I need to do something about it. If he were to have to remind me of my place - I would probably feel very guilty and upset in the end because I am taking time away from things he usually would be doing during that time. Most likely relaxing. And that is for me not being of good service to Him.

Again this is how it works for me.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

And the Day is a Fog....

Okay yes...another Firefly post but promise it is not just strictly a Firefly post. Doing a life update too. I have seen all the episodes so many times now. But I still like watching them again and again. I wish they had not cancelled it. I am thankful that my wonderful Master gave me both the DVD set and the movie Serenity for Christmas. Yay! I am watching one of the many favorites right now...."Out of Gas." I like because it goes into the background of how some of the crew came to be on Serenity.

I have my period and still feeling under the weather so I have been real weepy tonight. Crying and crying for no apparent reason. Master has been really good to me giving me hugs and kisses as well as Chinese food for dinner! I wanted to do a tarot reading on myself but I don't think I have the focus I need for it. I hate that with my period I lack focus. I feel so foggy in my brain. It is like everything is through a filter. Master was talking to me on the phone tonight about a friend of ours...and I know that I heard all of it...responded but for the life of me right now I could repeat most of it back. I hate that! That is why during my period there is usually notes all around or if Master tells me to do something that is one of those things I can do later...I usually do it at that moment or I will forget if I don't write it down. So I always go through these moments of feeling very worthless as a slave because I just don't feel like I am serving well.

Daily OM...is a daily email that I always look forward to. They have now started a sign up for horoscopes too. Mine for today kind of goes with not feeling up to par in service right now. Just a line: "You may also benefit from sprucing up your relationships as much as you spruce up your home. It may serve you best to take care of your friends and family with as much diligence as you take care of your home and possessions." Master and I spent the day getting the bedroom back in order. Moving furniture back in and putting all the odd-n-ends away. We decided to rearrange today and it feels so much better in there....less full. We have a lot of furniture in the room...and it didn't flow quite right. But now it does and so it feels much more open. It is nice.

I have a print that I bought at the Metropolitain Museum of Art when I was in NYC in 1997 (1998? can't remember the year right now) that I have never framed. It might be a section from a bigger painting by Picasso. It says "The Engraver" on it but it is 2 women naked....one lying down and the other is sitting playing a flute. The lines and colors in it...are very sensual. And it happens to go with our bedroom very nice. So I brought it out and Master says that we will take it go get it framed. And now with the room rearranged we have a place that it would look very good.

Tomorrow I hope to have a little time to do some art and finish putting things back in order as the house kind of got taken over by the bedroom so things are out of place. Oh and LAUNDRY!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006


So watching Firefly....the "Our Mrs. Reynolds." It is not one of my favorite episodes, but I do like parts of it such as the "special hell" lines and the myth about the Earth and the stars. There is part where Mrs. Reynold's is overly eager to "please" Mr. Reynolds. And for some reason the whole thing makes me want to gag. But all of the things she does I have done multiple times....make dinner, wash feet, get drinks, be a companion and so on. Serving and being pleasing.

I wonder why it bothers me so then? Unless maybe I just see the act. Maybe that is the escort in me as I see that she is not really truly wanting to be pleasing. She is doing it as an act to get the end thing she wants/needs. As an escort I had to put the happy face on even when I was not wanting the "date" - but did it so that they had a nice time and I got paid....plain and simple.

Anyway, just my 2 cents on Firefly tonight.

Lifestyle Book....

I just found out that To Love, To Obey, To Serve by Vi Johnson is back in print. I have a copy and it is well worn....and is always on my list when people ask me to recommend a lifestyle book. I have a short review of it on our website.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Life update

Okay so this is going to be a blah blah blah blah post....

Today didn't go how I was intending at all. I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish today and even emailed myself the list so that I would have it in my face this morning. Well what happened is the email didn't get opened and the list did not get even touched. And I won't be able to touch it tomorrow either.

I have fairly severe allergies and we have a cat that has allergies too. Today we realized a problem we had after Thanksgiving could be a reason that our allergies have been so bad. Because of that we decided to steam clean the bedroom carpet. So that meant deciding if we were going to rent or buy a steam cleaner and empty the room. The room is mostly emptied...the bed, some clothes, the cage and a little shelving unit still in there. This afternoon we brought our cat in for an allergy shot as he has pulled all the hair from his skin under one arm and chewed at it so it was bleeding. After that we dropped him at home and went and priced and checked out steam cleaners at various stores. Tomorrow morning I have a doctor appointment and then will go buy a cleaner. After reading reviews online tonight of different models....I found the one that I think will best suit our needs.

So that is why my list was not touched. And that I doubt it will be touched tomorrow as we will be steaming cleaning the bedroom. It will be nice to have one so that I can keep up on it throughout the house cutting down on some of the allergy problems. My parents come in a couple weeks so I would like to have the whole house done before they arrive.

Nothing exciting to write about.....I have been sick so Master and I have been relaxing and allowing time for me to get better. He needed time to relax as well and slow down from busy work and the holidays. Even though we would have liked to play - I can't whine about it -- I know that everything is working out for the best right now. I have long accepted that my life in service and slavery to Master is not about the SM and sex.

I started on with a livejournal project called embodiment. It is a paper journal project....do one page a day. I am doing an art journal of sorts. Yesterdays entry was a picture of Buddha and the words..that I want to be my themes for the year...faith, gratitude, love, peace, hope, laugther. I made the journal to be very vanilla as I suspect I will be showing it off to people that don't know about my lifestyle. Anyway, those topics are still service and M/s oriented for me. I want to have more faith in the everyday simplistic nature of serving as I should be very grateful for them. I want more laughter in our lives this year then last as this last year seemed hard on many ways - health issues, family issues, work stresses and so on. I want to take away more peace from my service to Master. I want to wrap around me the everyday-ness of it. And see the calm and peacefulness in it. I do many of these things normally but I feel since this summer they got away from and so I want to slow down meditate more and focus on my service more. Make myself more aware of it...instead of just the muscles moving and doing them.

So I guess I didn't do a blah blah blah post well not as blah blah blah as I thought it would be....

Need to get to bed as we will be up and out of here early!

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Winter Count - December

Winter Count for December could be so many pictures. It could be a picture of one of the wonderful presents my Mom sent us. She sent a big package and each day from December 1 to the 24 we opened one gift. It was a wonderful. I took pictures of them all to remember the wonderful thing she did for us. Or I could post pictures of cookies I baked. Or it could be all the art and presents I made. Or decorations around the house. Or even our tree again. As they all could represent December Winter Count very well.

So trying to show one that I didn't post already...

An ornament on our tree that Master's parents gave us last Christmas.

I am done with Winter Count now. It has been fun posting a picture representing each month of 2005.

Happy New Year!

It is offically 2006 here now!

Tonight as Master and I kissed and toasted each other as the New Year entered...I thought how blessed I am to be owned by such a wonderful Master, loved by such an incredible man, and spoiled by such a great Daddy. I am so proud to be His slave and love Him deeply. I hope that 2006 is filled with all that He holds in His dreams as He deserves them to be fully realized. He is very talented and that needs to be shared.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful New Year and that it brings you your dreams too!
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