Sunday, March 29, 2009

March Questions: Outting & Advice/Resources

Someone who knows you threatens to out you to someone who would not be receptive to the lifestyle (a good vanilla friend, a co-worker, a family member) -- what do you do if anything?

I once had someone out me as an escort to good friends. And it turned out okay only because the friendship was pretty strong. Of course though, I wish I would have been able to tell them myself - as I intended to do in the first place.

I don't think there is much you can do when someone threatens to out you. You can either go and beat them to the punch and out yourself. Or you can sit back and let them come to you after you are outed. I think it would depend on the person what I would do - I can see some people I would like to tell them before someone had a chance. But I think in other situations I wouldn't. Because in the case of a co-worker - my personal life isn't any of their business. So it just would depend on the situation and who it was exactly that they threatened to out me to.


I am going to combine two questions that were asked by 2 different people about a similar topic...What advice do you wish someone had given you when you were starting out as a submissive? and then People are always coming to you for advice on the lifestyle - what top three sources would you recommend to them as good starting points to know more about the lifestyle?

The first question...I wish someone would have told me ignore the advice that is given online and use common sense and my own knowledge and feelings. And really my own common sense was telling me that but I got caught up in group think for a while so lost the right way for me. I wish I had never read several websites out there that people often give as must read for those who are new. What I feel and going by my own core beliefs is better then anything out there - for me. I mean my own logic tells me to get involved with someone who is compatible with me. I don't need a protector or SSC to tell me that. My brains don't need to fall out just because I am doing BDSM - what I would have done before I got involved still applies.

So that leads into the second question and after reading the first question - I think you can guess what my advice would be - to trust yourself. Now we have a website and I like that people read it and write me telling me that it helped them. And of course their are many really good reads out there - so I am not saying to not read them. I am saying read it and don't take it as the end all be all. Safewords might not be for you - good old fashion communication might be better so saying, "I am feeling faint" might work better then "red." So what I am saying - what works for me might not work for you. And just because 10 million websites say "YOU MUST HAVE SAFEWORDS" - your own common sense can tell you what will work best for you not "the BDSM RULES" out there on the internet.

The second source is talk to your d-type (if you are in a relationship of course.) Often submissive writing me asking advice on a problem they have in their relationship and when I ask if they have talked to their dominant often the answer is that they haven't. If I am struggling in submitting to something Master wants - I usually first try to look at it myself see if I can fix it but my next step and sometimes my first step before looking at it myself is going to him. Talking to him about it because he can't read my mind. Usually because he is in the relationship with me and can see why I am struggling before I can. It doesn't always happen that way but talking through it can usually reveal what is going on.

I think the next best source is making friends of like mind. People that know you can help you better then a stranger. My friends know how I react, often how I think after being friends with me for so long so they can tell me - I am being a bitch and get off my high horse. Someone on the internet that is hearing just a little bit of my side of the story isn't going to know that. They might end up saying "oh honey dump him - he isn't being nice and taking care of your needs" because they see that one piece of information and not the big picture. So that is my last piece of advice - have friends you can talk with that know you and will give you honest advice that applies to your life.

And again I am not saying that the internet sucks for information - I am just saying use your own common sense and base of knowledge about yourself on what will be best for you.

Please feel free to ask me a question or many!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

March Questions: FetLife

How do you keep up with everything on FetLife? And I don't mean this to offend but why do you like FetLife? The threads there repeat just like we have seen a hundred times before.

Well I don't keep up. I loosely monitor the latest activity by those on my "friends" list. And when I see them post something that sounds interesting I go take a peek at the whole thread. But I hardly participate there because I just don't have the time or by the time I can respond everything I would have said was said by others.

And why I like it - well because it is pretty damn amusing reading some of the things people write but mostly I have had some great "conversations" with people there though. And that is my main reason because of where I live there isn't any community where I can interact with like-minded people so FetLife provides that for me for the most part.

I agree that the thread repeat and repeat and repeat. But it was the same on the elists we were on. They did that too. We got annoyed with them back then too. So no different now really. There are always people that are going to ask about safewords, gift of submission, SSC and all the other stuff that gets asked a million times. We won't ever get away from it. The links are to when I have written about those subjects - so even I discuss them. And really I can look back and remember I have discussed those subjects to nauseam on lists through the years.

Please feel free to ask me a question or many just a few more days of March

Thursday, March 26, 2009

March Questions: Before Master

You have been with your Master for 6 years. Were you owned before him? And what was that relationship like? How long were in that relationship? Just give me all the information on it, ok? I know your archives go back further then 6 years, but I haven't had time to get back that far so please forgive me for asking a question I am sure you have went over before.

Now hopefully if I can give a short history...all the way back...

When I was 18, I was first introduced to SM and M/s. I didn't know there were names for it but looking back we clearly had an authority/ownership type dynamic. It wasn't probably the best experience. But I don't regret it either. His name is Don if you run into stories of him in my blog which there are several.

After him, I got involved with my ex-husband and we had I would consider a more traditional type of marriage. I asked him permission before doing many things. I knew my boundaries of what was okay to do without permission and what wasn't. If I were going to make plans with friends, I checked with him first. If I went to Target and saw some cute towels on clearance, I could buy them without checking. There were just some things he didn't want to be bothered with like if I wanted a new shower curtain he was of the opinion that was "a woman's thing" but if I were going to go out and buy a major appliance or piece of furniture he would want to be in on the decision. Like we need more storage in our bedroom so I wanted to get an armoire so he wanted approval on that and went with me. One of my favorite things I did for him was getting up in the morning and ironing his shirt, laying out his clothes, making him breakfast and packing his lunch. It was one of those things I enjoyed doing knowing it helped make his morning easier. We were kinky in the bedroom. I mean we had plain old missionary sex too. But we played with kink too. He tied me to the bed, spit on me, called me names, did breath play and whipped me with hangers, belts, spoons and things around the house. When I was with him, I finally figured out there were words for the type of relationships I seemed to be drawn too. But as soon as I named it - he and I had problems with the dynamic trying to fit into a box of what we read instead of just going along how we had been. We eventually separated. I should state while we were together we did have other problems - one major thing that I will say split us up more then anything but I am know he would disagree.

While separated, I did a long distance relationship with dominant. We met every other month for a long weekend. It gave me enough of a taste of D/s to make me realize I wanted to be owned and serve someone 24/7. And not just on weekends and here and there.

After the LDR, I met Kam online and eventually moved to be with him in his household - the poly household in Ohio. I was owned by him for almost 3 years. And then we continued to have a Daddy/little girl relationship and kinky boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship for another 2 years. We were poly throughout the whole relationship. So anyway I was with him for almost 5 years. I have written quite a bit about the poly relationship. Just click on the poly tag on the side bar.

That relationship is hard to write about for a couple reasons - I know he wouldn't like me writing about it anymore then I have to date....and the other reason personally I just don't feel some things should be shared publicly. But in general...I had many good experiences from it. But at the same time I feel we were a really bad for each other. We had different core beliefs on everything from M/s to politics to just many other things. He had some amazing qualities that of course I was drawn too but again over all we didn't match very well.

I started this journal shortly after I asked for release from being his slave. So after that you will see me trying to flounder through - trying to figure out what I wanted and who I was as person. I went through many short term bad relationship matches. I had some good connections though too but just didn't work into the relationship at the time.

Right before Master contacted me I was in a sadomasochistic relationship. I had been out of town when Master contacted me serving a friend's Owner - which was part of my deal with him basically. I was in service to him during my stay in his home and that is how I was allowed to see my friend - who was his slave. Anyway while there, I did some thinking and knew I was going to need to give up the SM relationship  because he didn't want more than what we had and also I felt he was lying to me. At the time I had been talking to someone online, but we hadn't met and I just didn't feel he was ever going to commit to meeting. So Master contacted me at the right time plus as I have said many times his email to me - was so refreshingly honest that he pretty much won me over in it. I then found out that a mutual friend had told him about me so....made it even better. And as we say....the rest is read about here on my blog.

Please feel free to ask me a question or many!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

March Questions: Discipline

This was a question asked in comments long long ago and I started the answer but never posted as I just kind of forget it I had thought it was a good one to post for March question month...

What sort of things have you done/might you do that would warrant the look, or a possible talking to or whatever? What are the boundaries you tend to push, or the rules you have the hardest time following, even if it's because you forget?

My answer is probably going to be short as really I am wired for obedience so it isn't often that I get the look or a talk. In our first year when we were still testing where the relationships was at and going - I got a look, a talk and even slapped. And each year it has happened less and less.

So these days, I have got the look because I have teased playfully with Master and about to push that line of where it will annoy him instead of being fun/playful. I have got the look at Master's parents when I have just said, "well I am..." going or doing something as statement instead of question. And really I have made those kind of statements every once in a while at home too and I get the look. Example my hair recently (before the haircut) - my long hair was driving me crazy and I said, "I am going to cut my hair off." I will get that look because that is a statement of intent on something I have no isn't my choice if I get my haircut or not. (And really if I say that Master threatens shaving it all off.)

A talking to usually comes when I am being moody, forgetful of an order or a talk of concern of what is going on. A discussion if I am becoming burnt out or my depression is not under control or something of that nature. I can't remember the last time I got a stern talking to but in the past I got one for forgetting to wait to eat until I had permission. I would just start eating and Master would sit there and look at me with the look. Well after it happened several times in a week - I got that talk about being more mindful. And we also just talked about what was going to make me forget after since the moment I have been with him this has pretty much been a rule so why did I suddenly "forget." He had been gone out of town the week before so when I was by myself I could eat without permission. So I just got used to it. Out of all my rules that is one that I forget still on and off even after 6 years. Every once in a while I will get the fork to my mouth - not in my mouth and then remember.

Really again I am wired to obey and not one to want to have him "make me." Even if it really annoys or upsets me to have to do it...obeying is the only choice for me. Also for me without obedience I feel we wouldn't have much of an Owner/property dynamic.

Please feel free to ask me a question or many!

Friday, March 20, 2009

smeared mascara on my pillow

First Battlestar Galactica! OMG! Amazing! I loved it! Sad to see it go but wow did they wrap it up well (at least in my humble opinion.)

Okay so on to the point of the post...

Today Master was horny and I wasn't. I have been having insomnia so was up late, add in a busy day so I  just was exhausted. When I am over tired, I feel down and I get weepy. So we went to the bedroom and as I said I wasn't horny so nothing felt good. Often things hurt, but my masochism usually comes out gets off the pain and suffering. But today wasn't that day. Today it just added to my feeling down and made me cry. Sometimes Master wants me on the same page as him and turned on and getting enjoyment, but today Master's beast was out and liked that I cried and was feeling used. He liked that I didn't like what he was doing. It turned him on. He had me use the hitachi on myself and normally that thing gets me off in no time, but my mind was pretty much in melt down mode so I couldn't orgasm. Again Master liked it - liked that I couldn't orgasm, liked that I was crying about it, and that I was just getting more and more upset. He told me as such while I was crying and getting upset - told me that he was getting turned on by my meltdown. 

After I couldn't orgasm, I took him in hand was stroking him - truthfully just wanting to get it done. As I stroked him, he told me he liked that I failed in getting myself off. Here I am a whore and can't even get myself off. As I stroked him had visions of telling me he was going to stick me in the closet for failing. He liked the thought of hearing me cry behind the locked door. Sobbing hysterically. He orgasmed to that thought. I on the other hand was upset by that thought and feeling grateful he didn't stick me in the closet. I felt small. I  felt like I needed a good hard cry and curl up in a little ball, but not in the closet. At least that is what I was telling myself.  My body was reacting to that thought. I hadn't been wet until Master told me he wanted to put me into the closet and her me sob. I am messed up. 

I snuggled next to him after he orgasmed. The thought of being locked in the closet kept turning over and over in my asked to masturbate. Of course what did I masturbate to - the seed he had just planted of putting me in the closet. The one he described while he orgasmed. I orgasmed hard. Twisted mind. I hate that it is like that. I hate that he says something and it makes me want to go hide, it upsets me, and makes me cry, but then the next moment I am fantasizing about it. Again at the same time - I love that it is that way. I love that it twists and turns like that - that I hate it and that it gets me off.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

March Questions: Sex Take 2

Okay well I am doing a take 2 on the last questions...reason being my friend who asked me the questions had some interesting insights on her own definitions of bad sex, good sex, kinky sex or boring sex. And it of course made me look at the question again and my own thoughts on it.

So...take 2....

Bad sex: As I said in the last entry - the immediate thought that came to mind for bad sex was when I wasn't in the mood but that got quickly squelched as I could see many times in my past when Master has just used me when not in the mood or not feeling well and after it was very erotic to me. So I don't see it as bad sex. My friend mentioned that bad sex for her was when she emotionally checked out or felt empty after having it. And I did have that thought cross my mind with the not in the mood as I thought of specific times in my life when I have checked out. But oddly enough I can look back at some times I checked out and I am turned on by the thought of it now. So...does that qualify as bad sex? Because I know if it were to repeat - I am sure I would have almost the same reaction - checking out and feeling empty after. Scrubbing skin so that it was raw just so I would feel something. And although I don't want to repeat some of those type of moments - again some of them do fall into my - I am turned on by them now category so I have trouble putting it exclusively in the bad sex column. So I think I skipped over those moments when naming bad sex. Included in the checking out type of sex - my rapes - I didn't include them in the bad sex. They were horrible and again at the same time. I am turned on by them now. So bad sex is probably my hardest to define but I am going to stick with my first post - bad sex squicks me - through such as the sucking on my toes or the client that smelled. Those things squicked me. It wasn't good sex because of it. I wanted it over quickly. I didn't check out but it didn't make me feel good after. I just was in the shower quickly after.

Good sex: As I said in my last post good sex for me is kinky sex. And it is my preference for sex to be kinky. But of course sex doesn't need to have kink in it to be good for me. It can come from an intimacy of people in a close relationship, it can be soft and tender, it can come from deep passionate kisses and touches that feel like they are consuming me. Good sex can also come from a complete stranger. As I mentioned clients of mine in bad sex - the majority of my clients, I had good sex with and for the most part there was no kink involved. It was just sex - good sex. There was not feelings of closeness - it was just the sex that felt good and was satisfying. I know that lots of my feelings of being an escort came from a pleasing someone point of view so I am sure some of my feeling of satisfaction comes from that. So I suppose good sex is just sex that is satisfying in one form or another.

Kinky sex: Kinky sex for me involves SM and/or the power dynamic. It can be mental, emotional and physical. It can involved pain, humiliation, objectification, sensory deprivation. It can leave me fighting, crying, wanting to get away and feeling used and abused. It can leave me feeling floating away into the pain with a smile on my face as he continues to torture me. It can leave me feeling deeply submissive - which is actually when I feel the most submissive - during sex. So maybe this is where some things that I am not sure where they fall - fall into the kinky sex. As they were kinky on some level.

But moving on...I am most fulfilled by kinky sex.

(Skipped boring sex because it really stays the same as I had it before)

March Questions: Sex

How do you define: bad sex? good sex? kinky sex? boring sex?

Bad sex well my first thought was sex when I am not in the mood but then of course that quickly fell through because I can think of many times Master has taken me and used me that I might not have fully liked it during but after and now I think of it and it turned me on that he just used me without regard to how I was feeling or what I wanted. So that doesn't count as bad sex to me. There are two times that just keep coming to mind from when I was an escort. And the first was with a client that sucked my toes for foreplay and I can't stand my feet even touched. The second was with a client that dirty and just smelled.

Good sex is kinky sex. So those two pretty much go hand and hand for me. Yesterday Master and I were talking about a specific time we played. There was lots of slapping, punching and other implements of torture. I was starting to zone out from the pain and he pulled me roughly from the bed where I was almost falling and scrambling to my feet. But he shoved me down to my knees and grabbed the latex hood and pulled it on me very roughly (latex not always easy to get on.) He stuffed me in the cage and then he laid on the bed and masturbated. It was one of my "scenes" with Master that is crystal clear in my memory. I didn't orgasm in that scenario - Master touched me - punching and slapping my pussy and I was sopping wet and so turned on by watching him that it was sex to me as it was very sexual in nature.

Boring sex is if it is the same thing over and over again. Like with often my ex-husband he just touch me the same way, have the sex the same way and end the same way. So that is boring sex to me. I don't feel sex without kink is boring - it can be nice at times but I do prefer kink with sex.

*** photo from that "scene" I described.

Please feel free to ask me a question or many!

Monday, March 16, 2009

March Questions: Poly 3

When you find that right someone, will she moving in with you'all and will she be partnered only with M or will you have a sexual relationship with her too? And how do households work with two submissives? Will she be submissive to you?

When we find the right someone, it is the hope that she will be Master's slave and property and also have an intimate relationship with me. We want kind of a family feeling of doing things together and just sharing our lives with each other. Words there aren't words for the things I want to describe in our language or at least they aren't coming to me at the moment.

So...lets see where do I start...
As I said slave to Master. I hope for Master that she isn't allergic to latex as I am because he has a big latex fetish that I can't fulfill so I would like her to desire that. Someone that would like football and nascar would be great too - and that is said with tongue in cheek (well maybe I am serious). We hope she will have similar M/s beliefs of course. And other vanilla interests that are similar to ours - like the love of travel, doing day trips and drives, love of movies, creativity and so on.

I want someone who I can be sexual with, someone to lay in bed cuddling with and talking, someone to be a girlfriend with you know - go shopping for hair dye together, go to Michael's together and do those kind of girlfriend type things and be myself with as that is something I don't have here. I don't have anyone that knows all of me. I have to hold myself at arms length so having a friend that I can just be me would be great. Because that person would be intimate with me also - of course that just brings it to a whole other level of closeness.

We want us all 3 to have sexual interactions together and play together as well as just doing regular things together such as grocery shopping or things around the house. So we hope to each have a relationship with her as well as just all be a family.

Right now Master's house is not big enough for another to live here. Our special someone will most likely be moving here to relocate so I guess it is my opinion that it might be better for them to have a place of their own at first. I think because even if they move here we will still be getting to know each other because long distance relationships are far different from being here in person everyday. We will still be a family and I am sure she will spend LOTS of time here - this will be her home. So I see she might spend nights here and Master will most likely spend nights there with her too. But eventually the hope is we can move to get a bigger house and all live together.

She will be my equal. And will not be treated as second - which I don't like the words primary and secondary when talking about the relationship. It our hope that Master loves her as he loves me. And that she doesn't feel like she is a third wheel. Master will have time with just her as he has time just with me. Of course we are both different so the relationships will be different. I just never want her to feel she is second in the relationship. She won't be submissive to me. But I do have a slight sadistic streak and although in the past topping wasn't really my thing. If the chemistry is right and I feel that urge I think Master would allow me to co-top her with him . I don't think it is something I would feel I want to do just on my own. But as I said sometimes I have a slight sadistic streak and if the chemistry is right. But it would only be in play - topping/bottoming - not D/s.

I think I have covered all the questions but...maybe...And how do households work with two submissives?

Sleeping arrangements: When I was living in the poly household, we took turns sleeping with the dominant. And I think that is how it will go for the most part. When we get a bigger home, bigger bedroom it would be nice to all sleep with each other every once in a while but I see that being very uncomfortable for every night. Master is a bear and warms the bed up already - all 3 of us together oh my - you know I am going to be going through menopause soon and so I just imagine me wanting to escape the heat of 3 people in bed. :) But really we also have a cage so hope that maybe if one is in the bed the other is in the cage. Well it is nice fodderistic thought but might be doable still.

Chores: Shared for the most part I think. But most likely she will have a job outside our home so that to me means I don't feel fair that she has too many chores. But I think it depends on the person and of course what Master desires. When I lived in the poly household, it was suppose to be shared but often it wasn't. For meals we tried at first - one person cooks, another cleans and then just kind of had schedule between all the slaves on when and who does what. But we had one member of our family that when she cooked - there was food everywhere - ceiling, cupboards, walls. And she used almost every dish in the kitchen to cook too. So it was a deep cleaning job after she cooked. So we stopped that and made it that the person that cooked cleaned up too. It was hard at times because she was just a more messy person then the rest of us - like she spilled coke on the computer desk - she let it just run under the computer and keyboard and not clean it up. She spilled kool-aid on the carpet, it didn't cross her mind to clean it up right away. But I am hopeful that won't be a problem with us - our family as Master is involving me in getting to know the person - seeing if we are compatible too. And that wasn't the case in the poly household.

So I wrote a book...if I didn't answer any of the questions you had please feel free to ask me to clarify.

Please feel free to ask me a question or many!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

March Questions: Advice - Stress

"How can I be a better slave to my master? we're about to go through a LOT of stress, more than I think we can handle unless I'm doing better with everything. I try to behave, but I's such strong headed and argue too much, and he's scared of hurting me too much. I'm working on that, but I need some help. Plz help?"

First I really am unsure of how to give advice for situations I know nothing about or even know the people. If it was a good friend that asked me this question, I am sure I would know more of the situation to help her out. I think the best advice comes from those close to you - not from a website or stranger. We are all so different what works for me won't necessarily work for someone I am friends with or someone I don't know. It is why I usually stress here on my blog and on our website that these are our personal views that work for us.

But I also know that when we are struggling reaching out to someone who we don't know might be easier. And someone's words might help you gain a different perspective because they aren't attached to the situation.

So on to your question, I am not sure I fully understand the situation or what you are asking so I am going to just do the best with it and hope it lands on some of what you are asking about. But you want to email me with more information, if I am totally missing the mark.

It sounds like two situations going on - with stress being over all of it. So you are strong headed and arguing. And then your Master is scared of hurting you.

During times of stress - I make lists to keep organized, plan things ahead (meals, chores and so on) and try to have things to help him relax available to him so that I stay on task. I also make sure I have things for myself to relax - make sure I have a good book to read at night, maybe take a bath or hot shower, even plan 15 minutes to just do something I like - a craft, meditate, read a magazine, listen to music or whatever.

When we are stressed, it is easy to snip at each other. But when I realize I am the best thing for me is apologize and move on. And Master does the same thing. We remind ourselves we are stressed and tired and that we can't take it out on each other. During times I am feeling like I am going to argue or stubborn, I remind myself I am a slave. And that leaves me with duty to just do whatever I need to to serve him. And then later I try to figure out why I was arguing or being stubborn - what about it annoyed me. Because usually when I can strip things down without the emotions attached - I can see there was nothing wrong with what he was telling me. I might not always agree with him but I can rationally see that his ideas or things he wants me to do aren't anything that will harm me and finally and most importantly for me I can see it is what he wants so what else do I need from it? Because for me it is about serving his wants, needs and desires.

So to handle arguing and being strong headed, I would slow things down and see why you are feeling that way. What set it off? Write about it, talk about it with your Master and just do your best to break it down to find a solution. Next my question that I ask myself is do I really want to be a slave? Because if I do - my job is to obey and serve - period. If Master were my boss and I argued and was strong headed - butting against him a lot, then I would be fired. I know we have an intimate relationship and not a boss/employee but when I can take that intimacy out and just think of it in logical terms it helps me - obey and serve.

Now on to your Master not wanting to hurt you. I am going to take a leap that you mean - he is scared to hurt you when you argue with him or are strong headed? When I was first with Master and he had to discipline me, he would give me a strong slap across the face or tug my hair and tell me to stop and that startled me enough to slow me down and to get out of my head. So my question is....will a slap on the face or tug on my hair and very strongly staying stop going to hurt you? I mean I am not saying he should/would slap you or do what we did as I don't know you. I am just saying what could he do to really hurt you? It would have to be very aggressive behavior to actually hurt you. Also maybe doing something physical isn't his thing. Master really isn't comfortable disciplining me when we are upset with each other. So a look or the word stop or quiet is enough for me to know he is upset with me and slow me down.

So during this stressful time, I suggest making sure you write things out so you get feelings out so they don't build up. Communicate and try to have things and time set aside for relaxing.

Again if I am not helping your specific problem, feel free to write me and I will do my best to give you my perspective.

And everyone please feel free to ask me a question or many!

Friday, March 13, 2009

March Questions: Arguing

"I want to please and obey my Master but sometimes I argue with myself in my head. Sometimes I feel like screaming no at Master. I want to make him happy but sometimes the things he asks of me make me very uncomfortable. What would you do? Do you have any advice that could help me through those kind of times?"

I need more info to understand your questions/situation. But I going to answer the best I can from my own experiences. I am going to assume from the rest of your email (just copied the questions for the blog) that you are new to your relationship with your Master. But my first piece of advice is to talk to your Master. Let him know how you are feeling.

When I was new to my relationship with Master, I would argue in my head (and sometimes out loud too) and feel defiant at times and even today though very rarely these days - I do argue inside. It is how I acted on those feelings that matter. I would try to slow down my emotions to look at it rationally - why I was I fighting internally so much? What was it about it that was upsetting me? And then when I figured that out I could fix whatever it was that going on - so that I could stop the internal fighting of his orders. Of course I had to obey often before doing all that work. But it was still important to do the work so that the next time it went easier. And of course this all sounds easy in print - actually doing the work of figuring out what is going on and creating to solutions to fix it - is a lot harder and doesn't always work the first time or even just figure it out on the first try of looking at it. I often would journal it to figure it out - writing always helps me wade through emotions and get to the root of the problem. I also communicated with Master what was going on and he often had ideas on what was going on too - that helped me get through it.

I think really reacting just to being owned and having to obey cause lots of internal conflict when new to the relationship. The more you do it the more it becomes easier. The more it just is part of who you are so their isn't as much arguing going on inside. But even 6 years into this relationship I still go through moments of internal arguing. Most of the time I can pinpoint it to PMS (which I don't like using as an excuse but it does cause real symptoms), over-tired or other health related issues that are making me not focus as well.

And also even today I am uncomfortable in doing some things he desires - there is clothing that Master likes that make me feel very out of place, self-conscious and just not very good about me. And although I know he loves those things - pleasing him just isn't enough to wear it for him. It is hard for me to push through it. There are things that help me get through it. But I still struggle with it even today with it. Master and I talk about it a lot and we haven't found the right solution yet to help me get through it. And I feel guilty about not being able to just enjoy it for him. But no amount of self talk makes it easier for me. I am grateful Master doesn't push this one as he sees what it does to me - my self-image. But it is my hope that one day I will work through it.

That is all we can do - work through the best we can. And keep working on it.

Please feel free to ask me a question or many!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

8 inches

Okay get your mind out of the gutter!

I got my haircut today. My hair was just a little longer then where I hook my bra and I got it cut off to chin length - 8 inches.

But the interesting thing was that my hairdresser turned to Master and asked him if it was okay that I was cutting off so much of my hair. When he said yes, she then began working on me. She has no idea of our relationship I am sure, but it was just interesting how she asked him.

Dacron Spandex Hood

I forgot to follow up on this hood that I wrote about in my last post. This hood is made out of dacron spandex which almost feels like a scuba dive suit. It is that thick and tight. Actually so tight that creates lots of pressure against my face. At one point during our play the hood was creating so much pressure against my forehead that I was getting a headache. Master pulled up on it and repositioned it - even though it didn't feel out of position - it seemed to relieve some of the pressure.

Also I have with all of the open mouth hoods is pressure on my jaw that keeps my mouth open which of course is kind of the purpose. But during play that lasts longer then oral sex, my jaw ends up hurting from not being able to close it easily. It isn't a pleasant feeling when you are trying to just get into play. My focus seems to go those pains instead of just feeling the pain Master is giving me.

I don't know if it is just me - how the hoods fit me that create that or if that is how they always are for everyone. But I know that I wish they would be a little more comfortable as Master loves all our open mouth hoods - they are his favorites. And my favorite leather hood has an open mouth too but it isn't as bad as the pvc and dacron spandex hood. Still has some pressure on the jaw but not as much as the other two.

Anyone else have these problems with pressure over all and on the jaw?

Kinky Fun Away

Master and I had to go out of town for work last week but we had the wonderful opportunity to stay in a condo in the mountains. It was beautiful condo - just perfect in every way. We had a night of kinky fun. Master was sick the rest of the trip - so sick I was wanting to bring him to the ER. He is doing much better now. We are both glad we got in at least one night of fun because the bed was perfect for bondage fun. My first comment when I saw the bed was "damn, I didn't pack enough rope."

When we arrived at the condo we had to go out again to do a few errand but after we got back I unpacked the toys as we were pretty eager to play. We play here at home but playing someplace else - new - always makes it feel a little bit more exciting.

I laid out toys. When I am about to pack for a trip, I ask Master what he wants for toys and then he doesn't mind me throwing in extra stuff just in case. He always has a few specific things in mind but beyond that he just like to go with whatever is handy. I being a masochistic never pack things that are light or because that would be too obvious right? A couple things I packed were from the Kinky Christmas Stocking from FetLife: rope, vibrator, bullet and "the most comfortable blindfold in the world." I also packed 2 hoods one leather and then another that I don't like. I don't like it because I feel like a bank robber in it. But I thought maybe paired with the new blindfold though it would be good.

This is an older picture of me in the hood that makes me feel like a bank robber. It is made out of dacron spandex which almost feels like a scuba dive suit. It is that thick and tight. Actually so tight that creates lots of pressure against my face (which I will get to). Master did pair it with the blindfold and I did like the hood better that way of course.

Master has a set of cuffs and a posture color all the same style and colors from Fetish Temple for me. (They are the rolled edge cuffs in black and a dark purple and the modified posture collar with the ring - also in black and a dark purple.) They are pretty much a staple in our play. I put a silky nightie on as that is part of Master's fetishes. And then he put me in the cuffs and collar.

He played with me with the nightie on a bit but then pushed the nightie down and brought my arms up to tied them to the bed. I was hooded, blindfolded and restrained so I was pretty much a happy girl. He used a rubber flogger on me - especially on my breasts and pussy. It brought the masochist out in me fast. I know I was arching into the flogger as it hit. When I am feeling my masochistic side, I like the pain just for the pain. It hurts. It doesn't feel good. Because it hurts feeds my masochism. Sometimes it hurts and just hurts and finally it is almost that I don't feel it. But this time I felt it and wanted to feel it.

Slapping, punching, rough grabbing and squeezing, rubber flogger, hood, blindfold, restrains, clover clamps and many other fun things. Yes even though it hurt - it was fun for me. SM and sex - Master let his sadism out and I got to have my masochism fed - great bed to be restrained - just a wonderful evening. Both going to bed worn out and happy. So it was a very nice time away.

***top picture of the bed in the condo, middle picture - with purple circles - kinky christmas stocking from FetLife - the things with the circles are things I packed and brought with us and bottom picture of me in the hood as I state above

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Marketplace service on

Well I can dream right?

Laura Antoniou posted that she will be at on Friday for a dinner. They are to launch a new section of It will be a week-long slave training with sexual/SM activities but also a place where 24/7 D/s behavior can be lived with service staff and filmed. And the good news - this dinner will be live online hi-def for members and low-def for everyone else.

Read more about it here:

Also if you don't know who Laura Antoniou is google her name. I am sure lots of people have written about her. I am sure she even has a wiki-page. She is the author of The Marketplace series. I have reviews of the books here in my bookstore. I am not a fan of BDSM type fiction because often it seems unrealistic and although The Marketplace is fiction - I can relate to many feelings that the slaves feel in the series.

I have to be careful because I can get really fangirl about Laura Antoniou so I will spare you that! Google her, read her books and check out on Friday - I know I hope to be able too.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

March Questions: Poly 2

"I love serving my Master but he sent me into kind of a tailspin last week when he told me he is meeting with a submissive this week. I am scared and I don't know how to push down the feelings that I am going to lose him. I can't stand the idea of someone else being with him. How are you dealing with those kind of feelings now that your Master is looking for another?"

Really I am wired for poly. I like the thought of Master being with another. I like the thought of another pleasing and serving him. So I am not sure I am the right person to ask. If I ever have any insecurities or issues - I talk to Master about it. He wants very clear and open communication always but especially now with the poly. So my advice is just to communicate what you are feeling and figure to out why you feel like you could lose him and why it bothers you for him to be with another? What is the root of your insecurities around it? Write it, think about it and talk about it - to get through it.

I don't feel I am going to lose Master because we have created a strong foundation and he is very protective of our relationship. And as I said I enjoy the thought of him with another. Sex is just sex for me. I will have more trouble with someone serving him in just everyday things - getting his drink, setting out his clothes and cooking for him. And I will need to work on that. Nothing is mine - so someone else doing those things for him will remind me that I am property and I am here to serve in anyway he wishes even if he takes away many areas of service. I will have to learn to adapt. And I will have to talk and write and work through it.

So my advice is again is to write, think and talk about your feelings and thoughts around your issues.

Please feel free to ask me a question or many!

March Questions: Meeting & Compatibility

How do you protect yourself from a potential Master while looking and meeting dominants? What if once I find someone they want me to change my religious beliefs or not see my family and friends as it isn't something I am wanting to maybe I am submissive not a slave?

I tend to treat these kind of situations in vanilla terms/experiences - if you were vanilla and going to date someone new what would you do? How do you protect yourself? It is about using common sense and keeping your feet grounded. It is easy to be swept up in the feelings and the excitment of being controlled or the SM but it is really to me essential to keep your feet planted on the ground to keep focus on what is best for you. It is good to get to know the other person before submitting to them. And that really answers your second question - if you get to know the other person and find someone compatible with your wants and needs then you won't have to worry about someone asking you to change your religious beliefs or stop seeing your family and friends. And you can surrender knowing you have picked someone who is compatible with you.

Please feel free to ask me a question or many!

Monday, March 09, 2009

March Questions: Poly 1

Titling this Poly 1 as this seems to be a theme of many of the questions I got this year so there will several poly posts.

Given the poly path that you're starting, what do you consider to be the hardest thing you're going to need to work on for yourself?

Well I just can't narrow it down to one thing as 3 things came to mind (although I am sure there will be other little bumps too) I had already thought of this question before.

1. I can see it is going to be hard to watch the other struggle through the struggles I went through and not try to "help." But I can see that the "help" might be taken wrong so as they need to go through it their own way.

2. I do think for the first time in my poly history I am going to feel territorial. I am really going to keep an eye on it as I have never been that way but with Master I can actually feel that might be a problem. I don't think I will have jealously issues but I am going to have issues with - this is something I have done for him for 6 years can I let go of it? Of course I won't be a choice - I will be letting go of it but my feelings just won't dissolve because I accepted reality.

3. Is a really silly thing to me. I think I will be envious or nostalgic of them going through that early relationship stuff again. Not really the new relationship I will have my own version of that with them. I mean more the dynamic stuff - the M/s - slavery and surrender. I have been here 6 years so I do things without thinking because it is ingrained into my muscle memory n ow and seeing the new girl get that joy that I once had, I believe is going to make me feel a little sad, envious - just nostalgic for it again. It isn't that I don't get joy from my slavery - I probably wouldn't be in this type of relationship if I didn't get something from it. But the feelings have evolved into being very at peace with my life but as I said some of what I do I just do as it is so ingrained into my muscles and seeing someone else go through those things again where there is excitement, joy, anticipation and such will make me miss it. I know the majority of the things I will feel happy that she gets to feel those things but I know at times I will have the nostalgic feelings.

Please feel free to ask me a question or many!

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Super Hero

This is the one I did....I found it via Bootpig. I saw a spork so thought cooking but then I thought why not a bag of groceries instead where I can come and cook a meal to save the day. LOL :)

Make your own Super Hero

Saturday, March 07, 2009

March Questions: 4 Random Questions

Paper or plastic? paper but mostly we get plastic. I would like to use more reusable type bags. I am just not sure I would remember them which isn't a good excuse.

Leather or satin? depends on the circumstance - satin nighty to feel feminine but leather on Master or leather in a hood or leather in a flogger...or leather - well you get the idea.

Spending a week away somewhere lousy or spending a day somewhere wonderful?
a day somewhere wonderful. Master and I have had some wonderful days out so a day somewhere wonderful is good enough for me! Master and I have wanted to get a way for a while - do an actual vacation but we haven't had the time. So we did a couple overnighters this winter and it was great!

Las Vegas or Florida? umm neither? There are many other places I would like to see but neither of those are on my list. If I had to choose I guess Florida because I haven't ever been there.

Please feel free to ask me a question or many!

Thank you!

Thank you everyone who commented here, on my LJ and via email to my last post. I really appreciate it. And I might do a post about it also - thoughts behind some of the answers.

Thank you for all the questions I have gotten over at LJ and via email. Please feel free to keep them coming.

We got back late last night and I just wanted to write a little reminder of somethings I want to write about on our trip to the mountains...

* Great bed for bondage so.....amazing kinky sex!
* The hood - what this hood was doing to my forehead - maybe post to the hood group on FetLife
* Service at convention center
* Poly thoughts - of us 3 - such as all 3 being there in the mountains together
* Taking care of Master when he is sick and how it makes me feel

Now I am going to go work on some of the Q&A's so those should be coming up soon.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009


Okay I know this is a little backwards being March is question month but I have a question for everyone.

When I lived in the poly household, one odd thing always happened with new people he was interested in...they were nervous, scared and intimidated by me. I have never got it. I don't bite - well you know what I mean. I have actually been told the same thing and in blogosphere people are scared and intimidated by me and I don't get that either. And well there have been other things like I am a snob and other colorful words. But the most common one I hear is that people are intimidated by me.

What is it about me that is intimidating?

I am hoping this isn't come across snotty - I am just wondering. I have heard it for years and I never understand it so finally thought - why not ask. This is also not coming up right at this moment because someone said something. It is just something I have wondered for years and so thought why not ask.

I am shy and after being Master's for 6 years where I have been pretty isolated - I am now extremely shy. In person that shyness sometimes comes across as aloof or snotty but really it is just my shyness. So is that maybe what is coming across here? As I know since being Master's I have become more private - does that make me come across as aloof? Which in turn makes me intimidating?

I would be curious to know why - if I intimidate you - what about me intimidates you?

Feel free to email me or answer anonymously if it makes you feel better about answering. I am going out of town for 3 days so I won't be able to reply or probably even read answer until I get back.

Monday, March 02, 2009

March Question Month

I am so happy to look back at February and see I had 14 posts. It is my goal to post more this year. And with the fall I had in January it started me out slow but I think I did much better in February.

Anyway this bring us to....

I did this in 2007 and 2008 so I figured I might as well do it for 2009 also. Here are the rules ask any question and I will blog my answer. You can ask even ask anonymously. Just post your question(s) here in comments, over on LJ or via email. Comments on LJ are screened so no one else will see them.
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