Monday, April 29, 2002

Monday Mission


1. When was the last time you pampered yourself?

hmmm pampered....I can't remember. The last time I pampered myself.....I do not know if I ever have....sad but true.

2. When was the last time someone pampered you?

Every time I think of being pampered I think of this one time I received a massage, snuggled and slept with someone in a non-sexual way....just intimate. I was pampered that night to me....and that was probably the last time I was pampered. Kam does nice things for me but I would not really call it pampering me.

3. Describe the last time you recall really feeling loved
(other than from children or pets).

Ugggh these questions are bring up things I wrote about last night but have not posted yet. :(

I know I am loved by many people. But feeling loved....I do not feel loved very often. And can't recall the last time I felt loved.

4. Has your use of the computer ever caused any arguments? What's the story there?

Yes, ex husband thought I was having an affair. Kam and I have had fights about it also - the use of the computer, but for different reasons then Jim's but hard to explain.

5. What's the most embarrassing thing your Mom ever did?

hmmm not sure....the only thing coming to mind is that my mom sent a anniversary card to family was going to be from all of us ...but instead of signing our last name The So and So's. She signed our family friend's last name. So lets say our last name is Smith and the friend's are the Johnson's. She signed the Johnson's instead of the Smith's on a card to them. lol hope that made sense - not sure I am all wake.

6. I've met some adults who've never learned to swim, and others who never learned how to ride a bike.. Is there anything that you never learned as a child that you probably should have?

I have a distinct impression I have had this conversation with someone and they were like you never did but I can't for the life of me think what it was now. Guess it was not that important then huh? :)

7. I have no idea who said it (and I spent all of two minutes trying
to research it), but "someone" once said, a picture is worth a thousand words. Post an image that says more than words. Or instead, describe a picture you recall which touched your heart.

I love art and there have been many pieces of art that have touched my heart. (I will add more to this post in a little bit..but wanted to get it posted before Monday ended for me lol)

BONUS: What's love got to do with it? Everything.

A Little Late Sunday Op-Ed

Sunday Op-Ed

I know a little late.....well, my blogger kind of slipped my mind on Sunday.


What is one of my fears involving bad weather?

I don't like Thunderstorms. It is a long story but has to do with my childhood.

2) Sex

What is one of my favorite hobby (hmm not sure the right word..more like a lifestyle lol) and a favorite topic?

I love sex. I have always been a sexual person. As you can see from recent topics I have done many things sexually also lol My ex-husband used to tell me I wanted it too much - sex that is lol

3) Bubble Bath

What is something you like only if it is not a white tub? It is true. I like bubble baths only if it is not in a white tub. Again a childhood thing.

Things I need to get past I guess.....actually the thunderstorm thing I do better at now. I am very amazed that I have started to feel more comfortable during them.

Saturday, April 27, 2002

Being a Virgin

Music: Alanis Morisette

Being a Virgin

Well, Mistress DM wrote a post on her blogger about being a virgin. There are so many areas that a person can be a virgin. Many heterosexual people tend to think that oral sex and anal sex and not having vaginal intercourse means you are still a virgin. But I disagree. But I can even break it down to say you are virgin with vaginal intercourse but not with....oral or anal.

Mistress DM listed MANY ways to have sex.......and as I read through the list it was sadly true that I am not a virgin on SOOO MANY things.

Going to cut and paste her list and what will be easier for me is to mark the things I have *not* done lol

giving oral sex to a man
receiving oral sex from a man
being vaginally penetrated by a man
being anally penetrated by a man
giving anal oral stimulation to a man
receiving anal oral stimulation from a man
masturbating a man
being masturbated by a man(clit only)
69 with a man (this is the only "position" I'll specify, otherwise the list would truly be endless)
giving oral sex to a woman
receiving oral sex from a woman
giving anal oral stimulation to a woman
receiving anal oral stimulation from a woman
masturbating a woman(clit only)
being masturbated by a woman(clit only)
69 with a woman
tribadism (look it up!) of a woman
tribadism by a woman
simultaneous tribadism with a woman
tribadism with a man
finger vaginal penetration by a woman
finger vaginal penetration by a man
finger anal penetration by a man
finger anal penetration by a woman
finger vaginal penetration of a woman
finger anal penetration of a woman
finger anal penetration of a man
dildo vaginal penetration by a woman (dildo=any vibrator, plug, or "sex toy")
dildo vaginal penetration by a man
dildo vaginal penetration of a woman
dildo anal penetration of a woman
**dildo anal penetration of a man
dildo anal penetration by a woman
dildo anal penetration by a man
double-dildo with a woman
**double-dildo with a man ( I have but not in the sense that I think most would think though so marking not done)
strap-on vaginal penetration by a woman
**strap-on vaginal penetration by a man (yes, men sometimes use strap-ons!)
**strap-on vaginal penetration of a woman
**strap-on anal penetration of a woman

**strap-on anal penetration of a man
strap-on anal penetration by a woman
**strap-on anal penetration by a man
object vaginal penetration by a woman (object=any non "sex toy" -- think cucumber, bottle, stick, etc -- I've heard that ginger root is great for this, esp. anally)
object vaginal penetration by a man
object vaginal penetration of a woman
**object anal penetration of a woman
**object anal penetration of a man
object anal penetration by a woman
object anal penetration by a man
vaginal fisting of a woman
**vaginal fisting by a woman (have tried but i was too tense)
**vaginal fisting by a man
**anal fisting of a woman
**anal fisting by a woman
**anal fisting of a man
**anal fisting by a man
**double fisting of a woman (vaginal and anal simultaneously)
**double fisting by a woman
**double fisting by a man

So there is my list....

If we add in BDSM things my list still would be very short on things I have not done. Believe me...Nick and I have had that conversation. He asked me to list things I had not done and it was not a very big list.

I have felt in the past that Nick was slightly disappointed that we were not going to be experiencing "firsts" together. But after getting to know him better and expressing my thoughts on being with him....we both understand that everything is going to be very new. They are going to be firsts for both of us. There are things he talks about doing with me that Dominants in my past have done and not ever been excited by, but when he talks of them I am excited by the thought. There are things he makes me blush about that are things I have done many times and have not ever blushed about everything feels so different with him even now.


saturday scruples

saturday scruples

The person that posts the Saturday Scruples is not going to be able to do them so my first and last Saturday Scruples is today lol

1. you are filling out your income tax form. do you declare every cent you are supposed to declare? well, i never do my own taxes....but no would be the answer :)

2. you find an expensive pen in a public lounge. do you keep it? no i would turn it into lost and found.

3. a grisly murder in your area causes an outcry and a referendum on capital punishment. do you vote to restore the death penalty? no!

Thursday, April 25, 2002

The Friday Five

The Friday Five

1. What are your hobbies?
Reading, listening to music, creativity - writing, drawing, playing with web design, and making collages.

2. Do you collect anything?
Noah's Ark collectibles, teapots and children’s books.

3. Is there a hobby you're interested in, but just don't have the time/money to do?
Photography, printmaking - I have never done but would like to - but time and money are both issues, I used to make jewelry, cards, painted boxes and picture frames and I don't have the time anymore.

4. Have you ever turned a hobby into a moneymaking opportunity?
Yes, when I made jewelry, cards, boxes and picture frames.

5. Besides web-related stuff (burbs, rings, etc.), what clubs do you belong to?
I am really do not belong to any clubs but I am involved in several BDSM organizations.

for the times...

From Pretty Tears in her face

I'm sorry for the times that I made you scream
for the times that I killed your dreams
for the times that I made your whole world rumble
for the times that I made you cry
for the times that I told you lies
for the times that I watched and let you stumble

Thursday Threesome

Onesome. The Good. Read a good book lately? Recommend a recent read - as well as your favorite book of all time....

Well I am reading Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach right now. The last book I read was one I read already but decided to read again.....The Forgetting Room by Nick Bantock. My favorite book of all time.....would have to be The Valkyries by Paulo Coehlo.

Twosome. The Bad. Was it so bad that you couldn't watch anymore? Tell us about a bad movie - did you leave or suffer through it? (Videos can count, too)

The Stuff was a movie I went to on a date when I was in High School. It was really bad lol We just decided to go to the theater and then got there and the only movie starting was it - so we went lol We suffered through it.

Threesome. And The Ugly. And then things turned ugly.... Oh, have a day (or date) seem to go so horribly wrong it can only be described as "ugly"? Tell us all about it...

I really have never a day or date that was "ugly." I have had bad days and horrible days but not something I would describe as "ugly."

I am going to do last Thursday's Threesome also because I liked it......

Onesome. The Sun. Blow some sunshine my way, and tell me what makes you feel joyful.

Joyful....good books, good music, good friends, and shopping :)

Twosome. The Moon. By the light of the silvery moon....tell me about your most romantic evening.

Most romantic evening was with my ex-husband. It was our 5th wedding anniversary - we were in Colorado. Jim had planned everything. We stayed in a condo overlooking a stream and the mountains. The room had a Jacuzzi tub that had windows looking out on to the stream and mountains. On our anniversary day we had fun in the Jacuzzi and then got ready to go to dinner. Before that though Jim told me to go sit on the patio. The sun was just setting and he came out with 2 glasses of champagne and he toasted our 5 years. We drank a little and then I looked into my glass and there in at the bottom of the fluted champagne glass was a ruby ring. It is the most beautiful ring. I got it out and then he put it on my finger and told me how much he loved me. We then went to a very romantic dinner at an Italian restaurant. It was in an old Victorian house that had all this beautiful furniture and art. The china was just a beautiful also. After dinner we took a walk through the town and then went back to our room and made passionate love. It was an incredible day and an incredible vacation. Something I will never forget.

Threesome. And The Stars. What's your sign, baby? And do you believe in that sort of thing, anyway?

I am a Libra and yes I believe in that sort of thing.....not completely always but there are some things that are on it too much not to believe it somewhat for me.

Body Image

Check out Heather Corinna's journal April 22nd journal entry. It is about Body Image and Real Women :) Thank you Heather!!!

I saw the pictures she is talking about in the entry and my first thought when I saw them the other day were wow she is beautiful. They were primal and she looked so beautiful and so very sexy. I could tell right away she is comfortable in her skin.


a mix

Music: a mix

Topics: an anniversary, Jim’s family and Jim, Nice Girls, Affirmative Action, Spirituality Test, Feng Shui and health, and little update on life

The 23rd was an anniversary for me…- I did not even realize it. The reason I found out is because my ex-mother-in-law. When I was married I felt like my mother-in-law was always on me about something - that I could never do anything right for her son. And then after I left - not at first mind you - at first she was very mad but after a while, she came to realize what a good daughter-in-law I was - and we became friends. When I go back to Kansas I have lunch with her and I have even stayed with her and my ex-father-in-law while there. Anyway I had written her filling her in about my life and she wrote back Wednesday and said something about that it was 4 years ago that I had left for Cleveland on the 23rd. Lately it has felt like that much or longer. It used to feel like it was just yesterday, but not probably for the last year has it felt like that.

She updated me on all the family. It made me miss them a lot - even though I had been the one to ask how they all were doing - and she is very cautious about writing about them - she does not want to hurt me but I told her if I ask to please tell me. So she did. But I guess when I realized it had been my anniversary of leaving Kansas and then reading about the family - I then missed them all a lot. Jim had wrote me last week - he was in the attic and found some of my things and wanted to send them to me but if they were in the attic they were storage things so he knew I might want to send them to my mom‘s. He also sent me a form I need to fill out and get notarized - something actually I don’t want to do because I know once he has that form he is probably going to put the house up on the market. The house he and I bought together.

Kam and I were watching the news and they were doing a gardening piece on it and I was thinking about the house and gardening. It was a fun time with Jim. We would in the spring go and pick out flowers at the nursery, bring them back and plant them together. We would throw dirt at each other, spray each other with the hose and just goof around. After we were done we would sit on our porch on the swing and look out at all our flowers : ) it is a nice memory.

Jane wrote about being a nice girl in her entry. Lots of people say that I am a nice girl. And not that there is anything wrong with it but they usually are taken a back that I am into the extreme things that I am - and that I did the job that I did. I had a Dominant once that told me he liked doing sadistic - nasty things to me because I looked so sweet and innocent - it made the pleasure in being sadistic with me - even greater. I like being a nice girl - I am a nice girl. I am also a lot of other things - an artist, a friend, a daughter, a masochist, a painslut, a slut, and so on : )

While I write, sometimes I break and surf the net - which probably explains why you get so many links. But I like to read; I am moved by things - writings, pictures, and people. So I have to share.

Something I cam across tonight - Affirmative action news…- > News > Education -- UC's minority admissions rise

"For the first time since the University of California tossed out race-based admissions, the percentage of Latino, American Indian and black students admitted exceeds what it was during the last days of affirmative action.… 'On a personal level, I am glad to see it happen. It reinforces my view that black kids can perform as well as anyone else, and you don't need to give them any affirmative action,' [UC Regent Ward Connerly] said."

Another thing I surfed upon -

What's Your Spiritual Type?

You scored 67, on a scale of 0 to 100. Here's how to interpret your score

60 - 69 Old-fashioned Seeker -- Happy with my religion but searching for the right expression of it

What I did not like about the test is the title and what the test was actually testing are 2 different things to me. It says what is your spiritual type but I think it is testing for - how religious are you. Those are 2 very different things to me. I am spiritual but I would not call myself religious. I do not attend church but I am not totally opposed to attending - I attended church very regularly until the last year I was married. I really liked the church Jim and I belonged to in Kansas. The Pastor is a woman and very contemporary in her beliefs. I went to church almost always growing up because I “had to” go because I lived in my parents house and under their rules.

Okay another link - From an article on talking about the book.... Feng Shui and Health by Nancy Santo Pietro....

"One of the most influential factors governing your health today is the amount of clutter you have amassed in your home (especially the bedroom) and workplace. Even if at first the clutter doesn’t seem to be causing a health problem, over time it tends to have a cumulative effect on the body. It becomes what I call an opportunist interior factor waiting for a particularly stressful time in your life to do its thing and zap a specific area of the body or organ that was rendered vulnerable."

I really need to get better enough to get my house in order. So that it helps me stay healthy and peaceful.

Just a little update on life-

Tonight I fell asleep about 7pm I was so tired. I could not even stay awake for Buffy reruns. lol Anyway, I slept until about 2am. I can’t believe I slept that long. I have not slept that long in a long time. I get usually about 4 hours max of sleep at a time. It was nice to be able to sleep that long. And now I am surfing the net reading all sorts of interesting bloggers. I have become obsessed in reading new and different bloggers then I usually read. But still reading my usuals too. I am listening to a mix of a lot of different music - Dave Matthews Band, Coldplay, Madonna, Nickleback, Remy Zero, Bjork, Jewel, Garbage and a few others. Sounds like a weird mix - it is but it works for me. J

Well, I am going to go pop a video in and see if I can get a few more hours of sleep. . .

A quote I think I am going to add to top of my blogger. . .

"These words I write keep me from total madness." Charles Bukowski


Wednesday, April 24, 2002


"Love is real: the most real, the most lasting, - the sweetest and yet the bitterest thing we know." ~ Mrs. Pryor, Shirley by Charlotte Brontë

How true.....yet I am not going to stop loving even though it has been the bitterest thing I have ever known. It is the most lasting thing for love for people just does not go away.

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you." ~ from Winnie the Pooh

I love this quote...When I was going through therapy (when dealing with my rape), I was on an email group that was FANTASTIC! And one of the girls always had Pooh quotes. And that was one of them.

I mean it says so much..."I just wanted to be sure of you." I think we do that with people lots. We do things to - instead of doing like Piglet did we do things to be sure of them. I do that with Nick all the time I just don't use those words. I use emails of neurosis....spilling out all these feels that are all over the place rambling and scattered. And he always handles them so well. I am lucky. :)

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." ~ Dr. Seuss

Well said Dr. Seuss! It goes along with another post I did today.


Whatever & Whenever Look at the post on Wednesday - April 24th - titled Anniversary. It is romantic and mushy. *smiles*

Approval - Self Confidence

From Starving For The City Monday, April 22nd....

Sometimes . . .I drive my self crazy. Today has been one of those days, without a doubt. Hypersensitivity is the best explanation but maybe there is something more scientific or cosmic perhaps. All I know is that really silly stuff is making me cry, get the churney stomach and the dreaded "not good enough" feeling. A wise woman told me that someday soon I will not care about what people think of me. I have my calendar. Could you pin point a day for me? I would like to throw a party - or ateast have cocktails to celebrate. I would like to say I don't give a damn. I tried it. Really, I did. I even said it with conviction. I sounded believable. Then the damn feeling of "why don't they like me?" came back. Viscious cycle. I take things way too seriously. I need a break. I need a good drink. I need quality sleep.

I just could relate to that feeling....and I like the way she said it.

I don't care what some people think, but then if they are certain people I care about that I do care what they think about.....but it is certain people I care about. Like Honey I don't care what Honey thinks because it goes beyond that....not sure I am going to explain this well. She and I will always be friends (scares me to say that phrase now a little bit but I do believe that Honey and I will always be friends) and so nothing I do or she does - matters - it is how we feel about each other that does - and that love there is there and nothing can stop it. It is more like people with authority over me - I need their approval - like Nick, Mistress DM, Monseigneur E and I know that goes back to my parent thing. I never felt like my parents were proud of anything I did or approved of me as a person. Now, I know they are very proud of me and do approve of me but that little girl in me is still craving that approval.

But then the rest of the world I really don't care what they think of me. I worry about appearances - it is a big thing to me but if I piss someone off I don't care. I don't have a problem expressing views - especially views I am passionate about, but there are things I just don't think it is worth expressing myself about because it is almost like a waste of my time. I am weird - both sides of the scale trying to balance my life.

I wonder why it goes and comes for me...confidence. I will be a VERY strong confident woman and then other times I am very insecure little girl. I know a lot of it is hormonal for me. When I am pmsing and when I have my period, I am hypersensitive and become a insecure little girl.

I also feel more insecure since a relationship I was in that I am still working on getting over. I remember all the time it took me to "get past" things Don did to me and I did not even love Don so that other relationship just seems a lot bigger almost because I loved him. That seems weird when I think of the torture Don did to me. And it was torture. No other word for it. But I guess there can be just as much mental and emotional torture without touching he would say "fucking with peoples heads."

Well well such a fun post huh? lol


The Wednesday Whimsy


If you could speak any known human language in the world, what would it be, and what would you do with that ability?
French and I know it is not speaking but it is communicating....sign language.

How about any known animal language?
hmmm not sure I would want to be able to understand and "speak" a certain animal language. But I guess if I have to pick it would be Dog's.

Have you ever had your own made up language, either by yourself or with someone else?
yes as a child a friend and I did.

Describe a recent dream.
Well, the last 2 nights I have talked to Nick right before going to bed and I have dreamed of him before but the last 2 nights dreams seem so real. I wake up - before opening my eyes trying to figure out where I am because they feel so real. Last nights was very everyday normal....Nick coming home from work....and I am in the kitchen and he hugs me from behind and kisses my neck. :) ahh how sweet huh?

Tuesday, April 23, 2002

Lunch update/Health Update

Music: The Calling

I had lunch with needed that. It was good to talk about things - to someone other then Nick. I have been keeping things in and/or just talking to Nick. To let some of that out to Moni was good for felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Moni and I have been good friends always - even when we go without being in touch for a while. I guess good friends can do that.

I feel sooooo much better today also healthwise. I did before I even went to lunch! I think I am getting better. I hope I am all better before Moni and Michael's wedding.

Well, almost time for a Buffy rerun lol.....


Daily Update of life

Music: no music tv on for background noise

I am getting ready to go to lunch with Moni. I have not seen her in a while and so it will be good to see her :) Last night I had the most awesome dream of Nick and all that it really involved was kissing. But the kissing was so intense. It was great. I had been talking to him on voice chat right before I went to bed and with the things we were talking about you would have thought there would have been more then kissing in my dream lol

I wrote an email the other night that I had promised to write months ago but I just did not have the words for it. I did not when I wrote it the other night either but I felt I at least had to stand by what I said. Even though the email did not say a was hard to write. I still love the person I wrote it to very much...and if it were not for someone else in my life I would have tried to repair things and keep a friendship going at least.

Well, time to finish getting ready....


The Tuesday This-or-That

Is your mouse pad plain or decorated?
My mouse pad is is leather :)

Do you own a web cam? Yes or no? No, but that is going to change soon.

Which do you do use more often online: email or search? Probably email.

Do you use HTML coding, WYSIWYG editor, or something else to create your web pages? I use html coding hand coding - if I get in a jam I use this free little program that is really nice called 1st Page

Do you forward chain emails? No!!

Do you forward those mushy stories that take 20 minutes to read? No, I don't even read them, most of the time.

How large is your monitor: 14", larger, or smaller? 17" I think lol

Do you have a mouse with a scroller, one with two buttons, one with three? Two buttons and a scroller.

Do you listen to music while surfing the web? Yes or no? yes almost always

How often do you clear your cookies, or cache? I don't do it very often actually.

Monday, April 22, 2002

The Monday Mission

1. Ever had a love that you still think of as "the one that got away?" What's the story there? Yes and not going into that story. uggghh lol

2. What was the last book that you finished reading cover-to-cover? The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho....reading Illusions : The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah by Richard Bach right now.

3. Did you ever get up and walk out of a movie? Which one and why? No, actually I have not. I think I have fell asleep during a movie but I can't remember which one right now lol it was that boring lol

4. If we were to go out dancing, what song would you want me to ask the DJ to play as I slipped him a $20? hmmm good question....well the song I always think of Nick when it comes on is the song by Vanessa Carlton - A thousand I guess that one.

5. What was the coolest toy you had when you were a kid? Coolest toy not sure there was a toy really but anytime I got art supplies I was a happy camper!

6. When was the last time you felt lonely? this morning at 4am when I woke up with a nightmare.

7. Do you have any minor anal-retentive character traits? minor lol no....major yes....I am a control freak. Like if I am going to go on a trip with my partner I need to know everything that is packed. I need to know that because 1) so if he is looking for something I can say off the top of my head yes we have it or no we don't, 2) to make sure we did not forget anything.

Update on life

Music: Practical Magic Soundtrack

I have had a relapse in the pneumonia. :( I have been sick a month now and I am very sick of being sick.

I was doing some cleaning up on my yahoo group - the adult picture list I run - this weekend. I was writing some members of the group and ran into someone that I know in my real life that I did not know was in the group still. He wrote me an email that was nice…basically telling me I am too depressed and I have lots of good qualities and to focus on those.

So, I did some reading on Caroline Myss site because I feel I need to work on some things I have read on that site that I have made sense to me to make me move forward. I was thinking of getting her book Sacred Contracts: Awakening Your Divine Potential. I am really hoping that when I start working again I will start moving forward also as it will give me more of a focus. Even though the work things will be kind of scattered over a few places….it will give me a focus.

I talked to Nick yesterday. I had something to share with him and he and I talked about that. He saw the same things I did so I was glad I was not over-reacting. We then talked about that he made his decision about his job. He is going to go with the police academy. I knew that is what he would do but I knew he still wanted to talk it out and think about it before making the decision.

While I was on the phone wit him he had CSPAN on and they were talking about the French Presidential Elections going on and he kept saying OMG over and over again. I was like what is a matter. Nick grew up in France. He told me a story of him and a buddy walking home from college thing one night and they were stopped on a bridge by a bunch of skinheads. They beat both Nick and his friend. He friend ended up paralyzed from the fight. The skinheads were part of a group that one of the presidential candidates is from. So he was not happy to see that name up on second round for the Presidential Elections in France.

This is from Yahoo New - World - AP Europe…..
Yahoo! News - French Voters Show Dismay at Le Pen Le Pen, founder of the National Front Party, has often been considered an embarrassment by many French voters for his nationalist political views and his tendency to blame immigrants for most of France's social problems.

And from another article….Yahoo News - Politics - AP News

Yahoo! News - Thousands in France protest against strong election showing by extreme-right Le Pen, who virulently opposes immigration and has been accused during his long political career of racism and anti-Semitism, ran second in Sunday's vote counted, edging out Socialist Prime Minister Lionel Jospin.

That is a scary thought to think of someone like that being President.

I did not go to SMART on Saturday because of being sick again. I had wanted to go though. Next month though I am really interested in seeing how it goes as I did part of the planning on it. In August Laura Antoniou is going to be the guest speaker at SMART :) I am totally excited about that! I have always wanted to hear her speak. And I need to have the books by then so I can have her sign them too.

So that is an update on what is going on in my life….


Human Nature

Music: Poe - Haunted

Kam and I talked about an entry in Jane Duvall's Journal on Human Nature yesterday. Kam is more like her husband Jim and I am more like her. Nick is in between. There are people in my life he wants me to write off because they hurt me. But he also sees in some instances forgiveness is needed.

Kam believes we are taught right and wrong. You start by being taught as a child by your parents rules for right and wrong - basics. Such as maybe that you take off your shoes when you walk into the house - and if you don’t you get punished. And he feels that basic right and wrong grows as we become adults learning from teachers, authority figures and society in general. That we know when we are doing something wrong - such as if people fudge on their taxes, a clerk hands back to much change, and he also used our business as an example.

Anyway Jane writes, "I tend to forgive in about 5 minutes time. Why? Because I will always believe that harm was not intended. People make mistakes and do rotten things to each other, but I hold firm to my belief that it's most often out of fear or sadness that people do bad things, not out of a genuine desire to hurt someone else."

I don't think most people go into things thinking this will harm someone. But I do think they get into situations where they realize that it is going to harm someone and still go forward....and that is what I don't understand. I think that people do rotten things because of fear or other reasons - things in their past that affect them. But I also think we need to look at those things and try to conquer that fear or those issues so that we don't continue to hurt people. I mean in the long run the person we hurt the most by doing "negative" things is our self.

When I get hurt and/or mad at someone, I want to mend things right away. If that person and I can do that - then it is done and things are wiped clean. But if things linger on - my hurt grows. It is like they are doing 2 negative things instead of just the initial one. And so the hurt grows. So, I don't think I forgive until a person apologizes or does work to repair things, but I am always willing to work on it. And if that does not happen then I have to hold that person out at arms length and most people don't like that and so walk away.

I feel I forgive - but I still feel the hurt in situations where things are not worked out right away. And most people I think would say that I am not forgiving if I am not letting go of that hurt. I guess I feel that I need to deal with that hurt - it is almost like a grieving process and even though I can go on with that relationship with the person and feel genuine love, understanding, caring, support I still have to deal with the feelings that they caused in me. But for the most part I don't think I let my issues of dealing with the hurt - affect us going forward in our relationship.

I feel people are essentially good. But believe me at times I do question that....but at my core I want to believe that and have faith in that. Just like Jane says it would be hard for me to live in this world without faith that people are essentially good.



Music: Dances with Wolves Soundtrack

Taken from my handwritten journal.....April 16th, 2002

I started my online journal back on October 28th, 2000. I started it because I was struggling with many things in my life and I wanted to make a change in it. So I thought working out some of my issues online would help. It was scary at first knowing that people that I don’t know would be reading about my life. And those close to me would. It meant that I had to be careful about what I wrote about…- as I just don’t want to hurt anyone. But sometimes it does happen. Because there are things that just have to come out.

The journal has helped me in so many ways. The journal has helped me be more open with myself. True to myself. The journal has helped me be more open with others because it is out there. They will see ME one way or another so I might as well let them see me from me instead of reading about me first. The journal has helped me see things in my life as it is there before my eyes to read and things will jump out. It has helped me deal with some issues because of that too - that it is there in print before my eyes.

One thing Nick has told me he always liked about me - is that I am real that I put myself out there. And I remember when I first started this journal I was scared and didn’t know if I could be open online knowing people were reading it. But because of this journal I grew as a person and obtained those qualities that Nick was attracted to in me. I am real - I am who I am and make no apologies for it. I like being me really I do - even though I am very depressed of recent months. I put myself out there because I am very open with people about my lifestyle. I do hope that people learn from me but the main reason that I blog is because it has helped me a lot.

When I started my journal, I asked all those that were close to me how they wanted to be referred to in my journal - whether it be by their name, initials, a nickname and so on. Everyone told me names, initials or nicknames and no one told me I could not mention them. And I never actually asked them if they minded me mentioning them - because the journal was for me to talk about things I wanted to and needed too.

I have asked people close to me if they want or don’t want certain events mentioned. I have done that lots with Di and Honey also. There were things in their lives that I wrote about because they spawned concern for them or spawned issues in me so I would write in my offline journal and hardly any of them ever made it to my online journal. I would mention, Di occasionally that I had written about something and she would say post it if you want but part of me just did not feel it was a good thing for her so I didn‘t. But that is because they were things about their lives - events in their lives, issues in their lives. If they are events in mine - and they are part of those events then I am okay writing about it - because it happened to me directly. Things and issues that are mine - happening to me I write about freely.

I have had a few people names in this journal change - and I asked them if they had a problem with that to let me know and neither expressed a problem with it to me. Those who have in my past whether it is a good friend I have lost touch of, my first love or those hurt or betrayed me did not get a choice in how they are named. So Brian is named with his first real life name because he was my first love. And Don is written about because he affected my life in a very big way. If a person affects my life and I have loved them or been disappointed by them - I am going to write about them. If I did not…- I would not be true to myself. It would be cutting out chunks of my life. And I used to do that and I was empty shell. I am not cutting out chunks of my life again.


Sunday, April 21, 2002

Pet Peeve

I really don't like that people use the title Master, Lord or even Sir in their nicknames/email address' - What further peeves me is that there are people that use the word Master and they don't know what the hell it means to be a Dominant ......or even a man at times. If you are truly a good Dominant I don't see the need to use the name Master in your nick, because a submissive will know just by the words your speak and your actions. I have been places - vanilla settings and there is just a feeling when I have met a man where I know - I know he is a good man and Dominant..or dominant qualities. Also I don't like it because the only man I want to call Master is the one that owns me and if I am in a chat with Master Wannabe - I am not going to call him Master as he is not MY Master nor would I want him to be. So anyway that is my rant this morning.


Friday, April 19, 2002

Chaotic Home

Backwash - Never ending "stuff" and Sacred Spaces I know I know yet another link....but it really got to me this morning. It made sense too. Really since August my home has been in a state of chaos. And yet my home and where I live is very important to me. It is a safe place. I know why it has been in a chaotic state since August but reading this piece at Backwash today made me realize that it is time to take back my power of what has kept me in this state for so long. It make my space - living space - calmer and then my inner state would be too. Maybe I will get rid of this insomnia I have? I am sure I will write more on it really has me thinking right now.

I changed my blogger this morning..the colors. The colors were to cold for me right the blues. And I feel feminine right now and I wanted that to come through and pink to me is very feminine. So I changed my blogger to shades of pink.

So....a step I need to make is to make my home.....peaceful to help create inner peace.


A local story.....

Orgy A Logistical Nightmare


Look at this......Common-place: Talk of the Past. A story saying that Abe Lincoln was really a woman. So maybe we already had our first woman President?

Quotes from Bloggers

Here is a good quote from The Book of Paige......

"I'm becoming so intrigued by the concept of starting over. Life was so much easier when I was a little kid. If I made a mistake on my etch-a-sketch, all I had to do was shake it and I had an entirely clean slate. If there were little gray-line ghosties lurking, I'd just shake it some more and it became completely clear. Life's not like etch-a-sketch, unfortunately. There are all these snags and entanglements, and nuances of right and wrong and happy and sad. When I was a kid, there weren't shades of happy or sad - I either got my money for the ice cream man and was therefore happy, or I didn't get the money, and had no ice cream, and was therefore sad. It was completely black and white."

That would be nice...if we could start over. The rest of her post that goes with that quote is very good..she basically goes on to say that even if we start over somewhere else the old patterns crop up and soon we find ourselves in the same place we were when we wanted to start over....and I feel that would be true. Her post that goes with that quote is from the entry on Wednesday, March 27th.

I am reading various bloggers.....and next I came upon this one that made me smile....because it was cute...

From July4Good...

"Sometimes, when it is rainy outside, i like to walk to the library to get soaked. Medicine for the pretentious people woes is to go and check out a book i will never read, keep it over due, and then i know i will get mail. After recieving the notice, payin the 25 cent fine does the soul good, donating to a worthy cause, and recieving a letter in return. Some parts of life are just too good."

Okay another from The Book of Paige from March 18th post.....LOL

"Ok, I think I have actually entered the ninth circle of hell. I accidentally caught a part of Martha Stewart Living and she was making her own homemade marshmallow peeps. Newsflash, Martha: They're 33 cents a package!!! (Probably less at K-mart).... Is it just me, or does that sound like the kind of thing they'd have you do in occupational therapy in a mental hospital?"

Thank you...that one made me laugh :) I can't believe anyone would want to MAKE peeps lol


The Friday Five

The Friday Five

1. What's your favorite TV show and why?
Buffy the Vampire Slayer....I am not even sure how I got hooked on it. I did not start watching it until the end of the 3rd season. I did not like the movie of the same title and never watched the TV program because I thought it would be like the movie. But it is keeps me wanting more. I have always had a fascination with Vampires also. Second favorite is Sex in the City. Love the characters and their dialog :) And then West Wing is the 3rd favorite.

2. Who is your favorite television star? hmmm not sure I have a favorite TV star.....thinking thinking thinking.....I guess I will have to go with Sarah Michelle Gellar or Alyson Hannigan both from Buffy

3. What was your favorite TV show as a child? Little House on the Prairie

4. What show do you think should have been canceled by now? Survivor (even though this is the first season I have watched it I am still surprised it has not been canceled by now) and Just Shoot Me

5. What new show do you hope escapes the axe this season? I do not watch any of the new shows.....I watch Buffy always, Sex in the City & West Wing as much as I can and then the 4th would be Angel. I am hoping Angel does not get the axe even though it is not a NEW is the only show I watch at times that I don't want to get the axe. The rest I can't see being canceled yet. Though Sex in the City is going to have to either be postpone their season start date or be creative in their writing as Sarah Jessica Parker who plays Carrie is pregnant in real life.

Thursday, April 18, 2002

Sex and the City

Another favorite show of mine....Sex and the City....

Which Sex and the City Player Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

Also said this on the site about being Carrie.....

You're upbeat, insightful, effervescent and imaginative.

Sometimes a little too imaginative... You're all about the subtext, about what's going on between the lines. You very rarely take anything at face-value.

You also have a tendancy to be a little neurotic and self-absorbed, and fall for guys who are either (for the most part) emotionally unattainable or completely wrong for you.

That's okay, though, everyone loves you anyway. You're very well-liked. You always have a shoulder for your friends to cry on or an ear for them to gossip in. High-profile and fun, you're the life of the party.

Carrie quotes:
"You can't make friends with a squirrel. Squirrels are just rats with cuter outfits."

"I'm thinking balls are to men, what purses are to women. It's just a little bag but we'd feel naked in public without it."

"The only thing I've ever successfully made in the kitchen is a mess. And several small fires."

Daily Ramble on Various Topics

Music: Enrique Iglesias ~ Escape

I have been writing but writing offline. It kind of seems like I have a slight relapse of the pneumonia or I might have bronchitis now. Two days after I stopped taking meds (took through full prescription) I started to feel bad again - I have had a fever again and then other symptoms. So, I am going to the doctor again tomorrow.

Nick's last day of his job was on Monday. He is not sure yet when/if he will start in the academy. He was kind of offered something else now too, so he has been debating on what whether to go to the police academy or go in the directions of this other job. He called right after I had read an email (that I was not thrilled about getting) on Sunday so we talked about that. It is so interesting to hear his views - because they are totally opposite of Todd's view on the same subject.

Honey called me today. She was planning her trip to the states. She brings her son here to stay with his dad during the summer. And so she wanted to come visit, but then she was thinking about maybe I could use some time away. She wants me to go visit her parents with her. So, it looks like that is what I am going to do.

Of course she is coming to the states the same time she did last year. And when she was here last year she made Todd tell me the truth. Laughing because that is pretty much how it was....she had a conversation with him found out how he felt (something I had been asking him for weeks) and then *made* him tell me. And that is when we broke up. I thought of the night before we broke up....Honey, myself, "Sir", Todd and Di all at TGI Friday's....what a night. I told Todd I was in love with him that night...yeah yeah the night before we broke ironic huh? I remember Di yelling at him in the parking lot and then Honey having a talk with him too. He must have loved that lol How ironic too that Di got mad at him and told him not to hurt me.....and yet....look at where things are now. Funny how life turns out.....

Good Night....


Tuesday, April 16, 2002

Buffy Fan

Because I am a Buffy Fan......

Which Buffy Girl Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

Who's Your Inner Buffy Bad-Girl? Find out @ She's Crafty


I was just doing some really basic investigating on someone....and I am amazed the info I found. I am also wondering why I never tried that before. Duh! LOL :)


Inside the Actor's Studio and life patterns

From my handwritten journal - no date on it but I would say early April 2002

I have been watching quit a bit of TV since I have been sick since staying online too long makes me feel nauseous and get a headache. One of the shows I have been watching is Inside the Actors Studio. I really like hearing the actors thoughts on how they get into a role, how it felt playing a character and so on.

Ben Kingsley was on one that I watched recently. All his life is a pattern..showing him a clear path. He was born in the same town as Gandhi - who he ended up playing. While he was filming Gandhi, he got a photo of a man who was a fan of his work. And exactly a year later he was playing that man - Simon Wiesenthal who also has the same birthday as him. Then while was filming Searching for Bobby Fischer one of the chess players on the set gave him this book and told him he HAD to read it. It was Shindler’s List. Two days later a producer came to Ben saying Steven Spielberg wants you to read this script. It was the script for Schindlers List.

His life has all these patterns. It is like his life’s path is highlighted in neon yellow showing him exactly where to go next. . . I think that is amazing and I am very envious. I wish the clues to where I need to be going would be that easy.



I have been thinking for a while now about how many people seem to lack courage. Courage to live life. Courage to face things that are hard. Courage to fight for something that is good and right. Courage to be a good person. Courage to look at the choices in life and follow the path with heart.

I do not understand why people would want to live their life without courage. I know when I was dealing with my rapes that it was hard to get up in the morning and face each day. It took so much to keep going. Something that helped me through it was this quote - “Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.”

I felt so many times so down on myself. When I was told that quote, I got mad because Don - did not have respect for himself, others, and never took responsibility for his actions. I would scream why does he get to do this to me. The answer was I let him. Yes, he broke me down when I was with him, but how I recovered and healed from it - was all my control. He was not around no matter how much it felt like he was around. So, I yanked back that control and started respecting myself, others, and took responsibility for my actions.

I was in such a blur of pain with what was going on in my life at that time that I did not even realize how much I was not respecting those around me. I was not respecting them in so many little ways, which made it a BIG thing. That really hurt after when I realized it. It was almost like a person who is in AA has to make amends or apologize to those in their life that they wronged. That is how I felt and what I did. I apologized to them all. Everyone of course was understanding as they knew what I was going through - a nightmare - and they were just happy that I was finally able to stay in reality and start to heal.

It took courage to do all the work that I did to gain my self-respect back, to start giving respect to others in my life and also to take responsibility for my actions. That one was the hardest for me and still is the hardest for me.

I did not see my courage then . . . Now I do. And I see in my life now when I do things that are courageous - usually not until after the fact though lol

Courage and respect - for me - go hand in hand. You have to have courage to respect yourself - to do hard things to make your life a better a life. You need to respect yourself and have the courage to work towards a good life with a journey that is the most fulfilling. Respect of others takes courage also because if you give your respect to others you risk - maybe they will not respect you back, maybe you will be rejected, or maybe they will not accepted who you are as a person. Respect grows from that respect love, caring and understanding grow. So that makes you vulnerable to that person. Responsibility for my actions takes courage. Taking responsibility for my actions is probably the hardest lesson learned. I have a big ego and feel I am always right so seeing when I am wrong and admitting it is a huge deal.

I was looking back at my life last night thinking of the people I have forgiven and given 2nd and 3rd chances too. And all the people who have been disrespectful to me and lacked courage. But I still am respectful to them. I tend to give respect to others before they have earned it and I give it long after they have hurt and betrayed me because for me I just have problems “giving” up on people. Probably because I would never want anyone to give up on me. So, I tend to give love and respect unconditionally. But that it is not always good for me. And I need to find a way to hold people at arms length more. Not totally though because I would not be true to myself if I did that. I am meant to give love - unconditionally. So, I am still going to love unconditionally. It is just that respect and love needs to not be given as freely as it is to people.

Feel there is more to be said about the lack of courage people seem to have and how loving unconditionally is hurting me. But I need to get to work.


Monday, April 15, 2002

Where No One Knows Me

Just a thought that is not a solid form of reality yet....

But I thought of ending this journal and starting one where no one knew where it was.......or what it said. And I could let out all my all my normal daily ramblings.

courage quotes

You cannot be truthful if you are not courageous.
You cannot be loving if you are not courageous.
You cannot be trusting if you are not courageous.
You cannot enter into reality if you are not courageous.
Hence courage comes first... and everything else follows.

~ Osho

"Without courage you cannot practice any of the other virtues." -- Maya Angelou

The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof. ~ Richard Bach

Saturday, April 13, 2002

What Color are you?


You give your love and friendship unconditionaly. You enjoy long, thoughful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuative.

Find out your color at!


update on health, weddings, appetite, masturbation

I hope to be posting a lot in the next couple of days. I have like 3 handwritten journal entries I want to post.

I am just starting to feel a little better. I am still coughing, but not as much. Asthma attacks down from 3 to 4 a day to 1 a day. Only ache about 2 hours a day and feel absolutely miserable about the same amount of time where I am so stuffy and can't breathe and just don't want to move. So doing much better :) I hope to be able to go the PC meeting on Sunday. *crossing fingers* And back to a more normal schedule next week. Or at least a few days at least so that I don't over do and get sick again which can happen easily with pneumonia.

I miss talking to all my friends real life and online. I have been thinking about Moni lots as she has her wedding coming up and she must be going crazy. I remember when I was getting married those final weeks were crazy. I had so many asthma attacks because I was so stressed then. The 2 days before my wedding I had to go get blood taken - they wanted to switch meds and wanted blood drawn. Anyway, one nurse tried and could not find a vein after sticking me 3 times. After the 3rd time the girl was like "Oh no it is your wedding is in 2 days - is your dress long sleeved?!" Nice of her to think of that then. It was long sleeved though and when she stuck me the first time I thought that...that I was lucky it was long sleeved as I bruise so easy when having blood taken. When the nurse realized that it was my wedding in 2 days and had stuck me 3 times - she decided she did not want to stick me a 4th time and so she sent me to the hospital lab next door because they were more experienced with drawing blood.

I can tell I am feeling better this last week because 1) my appetite for food is coming back. And 2) my sexual appetite is back too.

While I have been sick I have not hardly ate because nothing tasted good. And because it just was too much work to eat - because I was so weak. I have made sure I ate because I had to with some of the meds I am taking. But I have eaten little things like bagels, turkey sandwiches, Swiss cheese and crackers, soup, pasta, and rice. But I had been craving chocolate this week, which is maybe just pms. Something while I have been sick....I have been spotting some each day. Something I have not been thrilled about but something I could not worry about because the pneumonia was more of a problem for me at that time.

The second thing that has come back to me is my sexual appetite. I have been very turned on this last week and want sex and even had to break down and masturbate a few times. lol I have decided my oldest vibrator is my favorite. It is just a hard plastic silver vibrator and it is the most powerful lol

I have noticed something that I do when I masturbate lately...for the last 2 months I guess.....I don't think about anything. I just feel the vibrator on my clit and don't think about any fantasy. And that has been very unusual for me. In my past the only reason I would masturbate is because I was thinking about some fantasy that got me so hot that I could not stand it and had to have an orgasm. But lately I have just wanted to feel the sensations and orgasm and not thought about anything. It has been nice. It is just me and it is nice. My orgasms have been very intense....they are almost more mental then physical. They are definitely physical but there is this mental thing that goes on that I can't even explain. Okay, like I have had a mental orgasm a few times before I had the physical one. At first I was mad and then I was like it was good it felt good and I feel satisfied so why am does it matter.

I have been craving to be f**ked....hard. And thought about talking to Nick to see how he feel about me calling one of the many male friends I have that would f**k me if I want.

The other day when I wrote Nick the email about Affirmative Action he wrote me back...his first line said that he knew my jaw must be hanging open because he actually sent an email answer back. When it is things that he can ramble about he does not write out because it is easier then having to type out all those thoughts. A lot of what he had to say in the email made sense to me and I agreed.

Well, I am off to bed.....

Good night...


Friday, April 12, 2002

Friday Five

There is a website that does the Friday Five and it is just five questions they post on the site every week and the owner answers them and then encourages other to also. So from now one I will be doing the Friday Five.....

1. What is your favorite restaurant and why? I do not know if I have a favorite restaurant. I like different restaurants for different there is this place Mary Yodders. It is an Amish restaurant and it just has good home cooking. Applebee's - I like the Chicken Oriental Salad. Chinese Restaurants - General Tso's Chicken, Kung Pow Chicken, Potstickers, Crab ragoon. Texas Roadhouse - I like almost all the food there. Their Chili is great there. Another place I like because it has good food, good atmosphere and I always go with good friends is TGI Friday's. They have awesome Vanilla Bean Cheesecake. I also like Bennigans for the same reasons....the Monte Cristo is great.

2. What fast food restaurant are you partial to? McDonalds....and also I am going to say Schlotzsky's not sure it is fast food really is a deli.

3. What are your standards and rules for tipping? I always leave a tip but I am bad at figuring it out.....I usually just triple the tax on the bill. I try to over tip usually unless I get really crappy service then I leave a tip still but not over 15% I would guess.

4. Do you usually order an appetizer and/or dessert? No on the appetizer. And yes on dessert - if we are at a place that I like the desserts - which usually we do go to places that I have a favorite dessert :)

5. What do you usually order to drink at a restaurant? Well, I am addicted to Diet Coke so that is my usual. But at times I will get a margarita. Or a glass of wine.


Thursday, April 11, 2002

Creative, Mom/Grandma, Quotes, Political Views

Music: none today just have the tv on for background noise

I have been messing with designs this morning - designs for new projects (possible work for me). I have like 4 things going and once so of course not making a lot of progress on any of them but enjoying being creative.

I called my Mom on Wednesday night to ask about my Grandma's surgery. My Grandma is having surgery on Friday and I know my Mom is worrying about it a lot. My Grandma is in her 80's so any surgery for anyone older like her is dangerous, but it had just got the point she needed to have it done. So I am going to be thinking about her lots and sending her prayers and positive thoughts.

I had told my Mom that I was not working the last time I talked to her. She knows since I am sick I am still now working as of yet also. She said she was going to send me money. I told her she did not need to as right now I am okay. Also she already sent money that I did not ask for - for Easter she sent me a check for $100. I was very surprised to get the check. It is going to pay for cell phones and websites this month so that is cool. She asked me how Di is -- as she does often. She knows Di and I friends. And then she asked about Nick as she always does also. I think she likes Nick even now and I have not even met him so she does not know what he is really like - as meeting people in real life is much different then online. It really seems like it to me that Nick is going to be how he is now - in person. *crossing fingers* :)

"To wait for someone else, or to expect someone else to make my life richer, or fuller, or more satisfying, puts me in a constant state of suspension; and I miss all those moments that pass. They never come back to be experienced again." - Kathleen Tierney Crilly

I totally agree with that quote. I do think there are some things that you should and can accomplish on your own but some things help is needed. I feel that way about my life. That there are things I have accomplished on my own - to get to this point in my life. But now I need help. I also think even if I was in the relationship that would help me move forward I am still going to have to make my own life richer also and keep going forward and growing on my own. Someone described that this quote was talking about not being dependent on others for your happiness and I think that is what it is saying also. And when I say I need help I do not want to depend on that person for my happiness but have them help guide me and support me through some hard things I need to go through, but will need help.

Another quote: "The universe has an eternal hum that runs beyond our individual birth and death. It is a hum that is hard to hear through the louder and closer noise of our daily lives." - Kent Nerburn

Again I agree with this.....The universe is a big place and there is this hum of life that is there you just need to slow down and let go to hear it. Walking through the woods or fields helps me feel it. The mountain, the ground that flowers grow from, the river and waterfalls were all here long before I was and will be here when I am gone and they will continue to hum. When I think of the universe, it helps me let go of things because it makes me see there is a bigger picture out there.

And one more: "Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." - Helen Keller

The last line is what I really like...."Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." I take risks in my life and I also play some things safe. But overall my life has been a daring adventure. It has been very interesting. Someone I got the quote from said that he had taken risks but that those risks were all about ego. I was thinking about if my risks have been because of my ego. My thought is no. My life - the risks I take - I do with out thinking about it. My whole life is that way....I just kind of go the direction that feels like I should. Which has not always been a good thing but I am here and living.

I paused writing my blogger entry to write an email to Nick on Affirmative Action. We had been talking about it the other night. I had thoughts on some of what he said come to me right now...why now who knows lol My mind spins out of control most of the time. Nick has very strong political views and it is something him and I have not discussed a lot because I am not as conservative as he is and I know that politics actually is something he knows lots about and I don't. So, I can't get into a "good" debate with him on it. I am very much the type of person that goes with my feelings and if it does not feel right then it not what I believe in. But I do have to say that I have been agreeing with more of what he says then I thought I would. He has also given me a new way to look at things - views I have never thought of, so that is a good thing.

Well, I feel a coughing attack coming on.....


Wednesday, April 10, 2002

Nick's job, Someone Like You, job options

Music: Empire Records Soundtrack

I just woke up from a nightmare. So up surfing the net. Right now is the first time I have spent this amount of time online in almost 3 weeks. Starring at the computer screen for very long has been making me feel nauseous. So, I have not been online a lot while sick. I am still really having problems breathing and still coughing a lot but my ear infections are gone. And I do not feel so achy and such.

I talked to Nick the other night and he had read my journal (the first time in a long time) and he told me I could say what he is going to do for work now. He is going to join the police academy to become a police officer. I had not posted it because I had not checked with him on it and on those things I like to check with him. He has always been very good about what I post in my journal though. He wants me to write what I feel and think and not censor myself. It was one thing that attracted him to me - is that I am very open and real.

Tuesday night I watched a movie Someone Like You - with Ashley Judd, Hugh Jackman (yummmmmyyyy) and Greg Kinnear. The summery on Internet Movie Database about this movie to me is not what the movie is about. That movie was not spectacular and had some things that I did not like but it is something I would probably watch again. Anyway, there were a few parts in the movie that I affected me more then I really wanted it too. It actually reminded me of myself, Todd and Nick (not that it similar to the things going on but the underlying message is what I related too).

I meet Nick a few days after I found out Todd had left town. And so he has had to deal with a lot of my grieving process. He knows I am not over Todd. He knows I need some questions answered and to do something I have wanted to do since….hmmm July I guess. He has comforted me a few times when I have cried over Todd. I have been very thankful to have him in my life to help me through this.

One of the things that I have had happen in my past is that - several of the men in my life can't handle my tears. All sorts of things happen and make them not handle it well at all. I usually in the past had to suck all my feelings in and turn the tears off and end up being there for them. But Nick always is there and never runs away from me when I am hysterical, sick, sad, neurotic, paranoid, mushy, pmsing...and so on. And I pray lots that when I meet him in person it will be the same.

Since I am in limbo about what to do for work and Nick is ending his one job and then not sure when he will be starting at the working a time to see each other looks like it is going to be a fun task (NOT!). He is very much it will happen when it happens and there is no rush as we have the rest of our lives. He is just too casual about it at times for me. It was 8 months yesterday that we met online. I have a friend that was friends with her fiancé 2 years before they even met in person. I hope it is not 2 years before I meet Nick lol

I actually discussed with Kam moving today. Moving to a new town and starting over. He wondered if I was thinking of moving to Arizona, but I am not. And I know that surprised him. It is something that probably will not happen but has crossed my mind a few times.

I have some other options that keep me in the same industry just not doing the same thing. And so when I am feeling better next week I am going to start researching those options. I am sure Nick is not going to be totally thrilled with the work options I am thinking about....but right now it seems like a good thing for me to keep in the same industry since I miss it and liked so many people in the community.

This week could have been busy for me if I would have been feeling better. The Les group is meeting on Thursday and I still too sick to go. And then Friday there is a party and Saturday there is a new BDSM meeting starting (but not sure I like the people who are organizing it but I have not confirmed it is the person I think it is) and then there is a fem sub meeting and then Sunday I have meeting for planning committee (PC). The only thing I am hoping at this time to go to is the PC meeting. The other things I am pretty much going to have to miss :(

Well I am going to try to go back to sleep......

Good night....


Monday, April 08, 2002

Various Topics: Asthma, Nick's career choice, Art

Taken from my handwritten journal (been journaling there a lot because I have been sick and not online) written April 6th.

I am still sick and seems like it is going to stick around for a while. The last time I had pneumonia I was sick for 2 1/2 months. I was pushing myself then though and had lots of stress. I was being a mom then. Long story for anyone that does not know it. It was a hard situation. So, I am hoping this time though that I am not sick as long as I was then.

Yesterday, I had an asthma attack and almost thought I might end up in the ER. Asthma attacks always scare me. And the worst thing to do during them is panic. So, I need to keep calmer during them but of course I am trying to get a breath in and not doing it so well so it upsets me. Asthma attacks always scare me. And I am not sure why they scare me so much. I mean I know breath play is much different but you would think I would be calmer inside with an asthma attack because I "used" to having my breath deprived. I hate the feelings I have during the asthma attacks. Breath play though I "feel" the Dominant is in control. I trust him enough to be doing breath play with him also so that makes a difference. But with an asthma attack, I am not in control and no one else is either so I feel VERY out of control and so that panics me. The one yesterday upset me enough that I almost told Kam to bring me to the hospital even to just check in and have access to a breathing treatment when I need them. I mean I hear my lungs rattling and I can't breath - it is just a little scary.

Nick has been really worried about me and so he has been calling lots and even has written some emails! I tease him about the emails and thank him make sure he knows how much they mean to me. It seems to be that the men I have had in my life don't like to email. And I like to email. I am able to express myself more easily writing the words instead of having to say them. I get flustered and lose what I want to say when I have something serious to talk about in person or on the phone.

One our conversations included what he is going to be doing with his career. Nick found out the same day I basically found out I needed to close my business that he was being laid off. He has many options but the one he is going with is....going to make things hard. It is something I know he wants very badly and I know he will be good at but it does worry me.

So he asked me my thoughts on him pursuing that line of work. And so I told him. I wonder if it scares him at times. When he told me he was going into the line of work he wants to pursue, my first reaction was fear of course. Fear that he will be putting himself in danger. I then - because I am neurotic - started to think of the future. And how his career will affect our life.

I am very open and out to people in my life about my work (well former work) and being submissive.

My whole life I have hide who I was or shoved it away because it was not something I felt my partner would like. I am not meaning just hiding being submissive either. I hide so much about myself.

(Side Note: I miss Di. I hurt so much. I have been trying to pretend I don't need her but I do. She has been my best friend for almost 4 years. And writing about this issue is one thing I would discuss with her normally.)

So, basically I am out to all my friends - granted most of my friends are in the lifestyle. And those that aren't I know from the industry I worked in and many have an open mind so they did not have a problem with my lifestyle. They knew it was my thing and not necessarily theirs but were understanding.

Nick's life is very different. I would say he is probably not out to anyone in his life right now - except a few BDSM friends from online. And with his career choice, him ever being out to anyone is highly unlikely.

So my thoughts that I told him was that I have these visions of the future and if things progress with us and we are couple - that I am living there with him and I make good friends and then I am not able to be out to them. I am not going to have someone to share things with locally. I want to have friends I can be out too.

Nick checked into to seeing if there was BDSM meetings in bigger city that is an hour away from him...and there is meetings there. He checked that out for us...which impressed me. And basically those people I can be out to, but still those are going to be people that are an hour away from me. Not like it is a good friend down the street.

It is not like I want to be walking down the streets of his small town and stopping people to tell them. I don't do that here. But I do need friends that I am out too.

So that will be something he and I will face.

Something that made me feel good about our conversation is that he must have been thinking about this - I mean that I am out to people and involved in the BDSM community because he just talked about it like he had thought about it. And that made me feel good that he had thought about it.

Next topic - Art - I have been having so many images that I want to capture on paper. I have been trying to do quick sketches of them or words that will help me remember them. I wonder why I feel so creative right now when I feel so awful health wise.

I suppose I should get some sleep or try to - right now I get scared to go to sleep because every time I sleep then I wake up with an asthma attack or coughing attack :(

Good night…


I love my best friend

Music: a mix of music mostly about love and being there for each other

I am about to post something that is hard for me to post. It is a journal entry from my handwritten journal from back at the beginning of March. I don’t have the exact date because it was one of those I forgot to date but it is between March 1st and March 11th in my journal.

I have given lots of thought to posting this and other things that happened with Di. Why should I not post how I feel? That is what my journal is for to write about what I feel and what is going on with me. Nothing I say in it is malicious or a lie. So, I am posting this…- but of course nervous about it still.

From Handwritten journal - Beginning of March -

I want to be needed. No one's ever thought they might tear their hair out if they never spoke to me again, you know. I want someone to let the phone ring a dozen times just in case I'm coming in the door while it's ringing. I want someone to want to keep me more than they want to keep their composure. I want someone who'll kick and scream if they think they might lose me, who won't let me go without a proper fight. I'm always the one who is left saying, "Wait... don't go". And when I say something else instead, I still always mean, "Wait...don't go".

Di sent that to me. And she did it, I feel, for a reason. I feel she was screaming for me not to go.

We are best friends. I was sitting here thinking of all the things her and I have been through and all we supported each other through. And then I started thinking of all the things that she went through since this summer and how much I was willing to do anything for her to help her and her girls. And it feels like I got kicked in the stomach.

For months it felt like to me she was pushing me out and I kept screaming “Wait don’t go” and I kept saying it and she was not listening. I have (and other friends of hers) have felt she is being self-destructive. And maybe this was just another way to do that…- to betray her best friend and push me out completely?

I love unconditionally. And I love her - unconditionally - or how I like to say it - without boundaries. Until now....because trust was broken. It has been so hard not to have my best friend around. But how can I trust someone that betrayed me like she did? I want to, but I am not sure Di is willing to go through the work needed to salvage being best friends.

I can hear her telling me she was a bad person. I can hear her asking if I felt we would always be friends. I can hear her asking if there were anything she would do that I could not get past. She said all those things to me out loud often.

Do those things justify what she did? I feel she believes it does. But it does not. We have choices in this world. We can’t control others - what they do, how they act, or what they say….but we can control ourselves. We can think before we do the things we do. We have choices.

I have not left her - I still chat with her, think about her, and worry about her, and that probably won‘t change ever. And I will be here if she needs me. But the next step to repair things is her choice. Because without us facing this. . . It will NEVER NEVER be the same.


Friday, April 05, 2002

It is late and I am up because the meds I am on cause insomnia and when I lay down of course I start to cough. Last night was rough night, I had to go have a breathing treatment because I could not breath very well and felt like I was going to pass out from not being able to get in a big enough breath. I went through a WHOLE box of Kleenex in one day so I look like Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer right now too. Plus I have ear infections in each ear. So, I am a happy happy camper right now lol

I was in a very creative mood today. As I watched Buffy repeats tonight I took out a little sketch pad and some colored pencils and did some drawing...probably more like doodling. I also wrote down some ideas...that are floating around in my head of ideas for projects. I want to read The Forgetting Room again just because the process of how he did his art was very interesting and something I think I want to try. I even pulled The Artist's Way off the book shelf today but have not opened it yet.

I would think because I am sick I would want to hang out online instead of watch TV since I am not a TV watcher. But when I sit down at the computer it just gives me a headache looking at the screen. So I sign on to check mail and a couple journals I read and then sign off. I am becoming hooked on TV now too. I watch TV reruns - Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Family Ties, Charlie's Angels, and Mad about You.....all the good ones lol

I have been thinking about lots of things lately I just don't know how to form the words here for everything......

So, I guess I will write some other time....


Tuesday, April 02, 2002

The quote of the day....

"By doubting we come at the truth." ~ Cicero

That has been true in my life!


ps: wow 3 entries in one day :)
A site I read is linking to my blogger. I am really surprised. Thank you The statement they made about my blogger is....."Vanilla and BDSM Rolled into One Blog ~
I think its really good for people to read about day to day life and see that BDSM isn't all about drama and arranged scenes. "

My life definitely is not about drama and arranged scenes. Well, maybe some drama lol I tend to have lots of people in my life and that always creates drama.

BDSM in my life is important but I also need the vanilla stuff. I want to be owned but that does not mean there is still not laundry to be done, cooking and working and other daily life things. And yes, I want vanilla things such as snuggling on the couch watching a new release video/dvd. I want flowers and kisses and soft touches. And I want to be bound and whipped too :) That is just the fun kinky stuff.

Last night I was on the phone with Nick and he and I were joking as we always do and I made a joke about being sick and not taking care of myself. And all the joking stopped and his voice came over that phone line and instantly I knew his demeanor......he was Dominant in that moment and telling me to take care of myself. There was no question from me in that moment all joking was put aside and he was the one with the power and Dominance telling me what to do....I feel that more then I hear it....not sure that makes sense. I mean, of course, I hear it but that tone when I hear that tone....I feel it inside and it commands me to submit.

It was much like that with Todd. We could talk and talk just about anything and everything and his look or the tone in his voice told me when it was time to be serious.

Vanilla and BDSM mixes for me. Lines blur the only parts that don't blur for me is the kinky stuff of course.

But when I am standing in the line at the grocery store I am still submissive and one look or just a word - hearing the tone from my Dominant....that part of me stirs to the surface instead of just mingling around all over inside....

Music: Vanessa Carlton - A Thousand Miles (just this song over and over lol)

I am still sick. I have pneumonia :( I just can't shake the bad cough and with my asthma just makes it 2 times as hard to breath. So I have not been having fun. I am really relaxing and taking it easy though. Pretty much camped out on the couch watching TV and trying to sleep. Now the problem tends to be as soon as I try to lay down I start to cough so not much sleep coming to me these days...which is not great.

I was thinking about being swept off my feet the other night....which lead me to how I would like that to be done. I want someone who wants to get to know *me*...that is the bottom line. Some of these things I have had and some I have not.....I want someone who is interested in getting in my head and not in my pants so to speak. So maybe he puts off sex and intimacy -- towards HIM -- instead giving to me to get me to open up. So many times with Dominants it is all about them that they don't get to know all the resources that their submissive could give them and get so into that pleasure that they forget to explore what is there. At least that is my opinion. I mean if someone would just give to me the way I have gave.....the next level I would give would be so feels like.

I have an intimacy wall that is huge and no one ever bothers to try to get it down. Or they think they have it down and then move on to other things and do not get that they did not have it down they just took one brick of the huge wall down.

I want someone to be waiting for show up or call. I want someone to worry when I don't show up or call. I want someone who listens to me -- and to the things I believes in and does not make fun of them or try to make me feel stupid for my beliefs. I want romance...I want to get flowers and cards and mushy notes.

I guess that is a good start.....LOL

The above list is all about ME and you know what it is and you know what in all my relationships it has always been about them. I give so much and end up tired just so very tired and right now I am tired very tired and just want someone to sweep me off my feet.......

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