Saturday, March 30, 2002

La la la la la la la la

I just thought I would write a little since I am up and not able to sleep. I am feeling a little better. I have pretty much stuck to my bed for a week now. While stuck in bed I have been thinking thinking and thinking of course.....oh no! I have wrote some too - not much because even holding a pen there for a while hurt.

I am trying to (as I have been for weeks now) figure out what to do with my life. I have no idea still what I am going to do. I had someone recently say that he wanted to sweep me off my feet. And that is exactly what I want right now. Would most say that is the thing for me right now? No, they would not.

I do not remember what movie it was that I was watching that said....

"If love was a choice who would chose love since it is such an exquisite pain."

It is is not a choice. Or I would have stopped loving him by now. March 25th, 2001 was the first time he contacted me. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday and then other times if feels like it was years ago.

I am trying to figure out why I love this man still. He hurt me really like no one ever has hurt me and I still feel love for him. I can think of the things he did and said and know they were wrong. I remember discussing them with Di and other friends and everyone agreeing that what he did was wrong and he was screwed up. She called him an asshole probably more then I did and all this makes no sense. And through this all I still have the images come to me the first time I met is a slow motion picture in my head and it hurts so much. The spot on my breasts hurts tonight. I always wonder why it hurts sometimes and not others........

A song I can't get out of my head lol....

Kylie Minogue - Can't Get You Out Of My Head

La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la

I just can't get you out of my head
Boy your lovin' is all I think about
I just can't get you out of my head
Boy it's more than I dare to think about

La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la

I just can't get you out of my head
Boy your lovin' is all I think about
I just can't get you out of my head
Boy it's more than I dare to think about

Every night
Every day
Just to be there in your arms

Won't you stay
Won't you lay
Stay for ever and ever and ever and ever

La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la

I just can't get you out of my head
Boy your lovin' is all I think about
I just can't get you out of my head
Boy it's more than I dare to think about

There's a dark
Secret in me
Don't leave me locked in your heart

Set me free
Fill the need in me
Set me free
Stay for ever and ever and ever and ever

La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la

La la la la la la la la
(I just can't get you out of my head)
La la la la la la la la
(I just can't get you out of my head)
La la la la la la la la
(I just can't get you out of my head)
La la la la la la la la
(I just can't get you out of my head)

Good night....


Friday, March 22, 2002


I am sick so I probably won't be posting for a few days.....I feel like I could sleep for about 4 days and just might do that.


Wednesday, March 20, 2002

Closing Time

Wednesday - 2:30pm.

I am just kind of starting to feel and live life again. Not that all are good feelings…I still have lots of unresolved issues. But I am feeling again….and starting to be more active and not hiding out. I have been very busy I the last 2 weeks. I have worked on several website designs, been getting involved in the local groups again, and going out with friends.

Nick and I are still talking even though I have been too busy to reach him when he is available but we hope to be able to chat tonight. His life has been very stressful lately and from the email I got from him today it does not seem like things are getting better.

Michael and I have talked quite a bit this week. It has been very interesting conversations. He has made me smile and laugh as well as cry this week - good tears though. Michael and I go back and forth asking each other questions. Just anything. And I have not had any questions for him lately so today I spent some time and wrote about 85 questions up for him. I am prepared now! LOL

Side note: when I have been talking about Michael lately - please know that is not Moni’s Michael lol When I talked about Moni and Michael that is her Michael. When it is just Michael it is my Michael….LOL like the sound of that my Michael *grin* He will love that (not)!

Last night I did basically the last thing I needed to close my business and it was hard. Today has been harder since I have been getting emails and such in response to closing and it has been hard but good to see so many people supported us.

Stopped this post about 3pm.

Started again 11:44pm….

I talked to Nick on the phone tonight. He was so funny and really not in a bad mood....which I was happy about. I told him about the Lesbian Group that started and how they are going to have all women play parties and of course he was a typical man with visions of all women. I have had a few local Dominants interested in playing with me - 2 are female and 1 is male and I mentioned that to Nick and of course he was all for playing with the females. And I said what about the male and he expressed that he can be possessive at times. It always surprises me when he acts that way.

One of the website designs I had done has been given the sign of approval :) So now I need to get the FTP thing working and we are set. Even though - Michael through Moni online told me an easy way to ftp so I am going to try it out after I answer some emails and post my journal.

My horoscope for Wednesday:
Take care of yourself. Enjoy the world you've built. Secrets come out of hiding in their own time. A new face appears on the scene, asking you to pay attention and admire it. New eyes are noticing you. Promise only that which you can fulfill.

Thursday’s horoscope….
Go for the gold without any further hesitation. Your role is well established. Good luck smoothes over any of the rough spots. You experience a rich moment of introspection or heart-to-heart communication. This story will probably turn out exactly the way you want it to.

I found those to be interesting.

Here is my weekly horoscope from Free Will Astrology:

“During the last few weeks, your words of power have been terms most people associate with difficulty: resistance, uphill, workaround, jury-rigged, compromise. Amazingly, Libra, you have managed to make all of these themes serve your ultimate goals. Congratulations on being so robustly perverse. Beginning any minute now, you will officially move into a far smoother phase of your cycle. Your words of power will be what marketing experts have identified as the most persuasive terms in the English language: discover, easy, guarantee, health, results.”

Lots of what is being said feels true. I have been just feeling so much heavy uphill battle and the last 5 days things have felt better.

I even realized why I was not feeling anything the other night 2 reasons - One being Michael - but not that he did anything wrong….it just that he triggered something in me to turn things off. But he ended up making me feel in the end anyway. And then the other is I found out something about a friend and it is not like it was bad news but it was not news I was expecting and it affected me more then I thought it would so I just kind of turned off.

Not sure I have said out loud that I have not wore my necklace in almost 2 months now. Not by choice really. I was just going through a stage last month that I was breaking out from any type of jewelry so I took it off. I tried to wear it again but then was having other allergy reactions and so have taken it off for good - for now. I hope to be wearing it again at some point. But I also like that I have been doing good without having it near me but it is on the table next to where I sleep.

I stopped to read an article on Free Will Astrology. It is on the first page down just ways…it is called Astrology as Archetypal Language The Planets as Forces By Antero Alli. I need to read it again when there is silence in the room. So I can absorb it more because I feel there is things there I need to learn…maybe accept is a better word.

Well, I better finish work and emails…..


Tuesday, March 19, 2002

Thank you

Early this morning I had a telephone call from someone that has helped me.....feel things again. I had an overload of emotions hit me after he told me how he felt....and it made me cry. I needed that. And I needed to to hear what he said to me from someone. Thank you!

No Feelings

Music: Nelly Furtado

I am still floundering. I don't know what to do with my life. A year ago I could have told you where I wanted to be with my life right about now. But I am not there. Not that there was anything I could to do control that last few weeks and change things. But there are things I am wishing I would have done or think maybe I should do.

I wish my dreams and instincts worked on some things and not on other things...

I was sitting here thinking of someone and I realized I was not feeling anything. I am not getting one feeling about him one way or another and I do usually. And so that is weird......and then i realized I am not feeling anything about anything. I am not having any feeling about my direction or instinct on what I should do or at least what directions I should start moving. And that is so unlike me. I usually feel to many things and right now I am not feeling anything. Actually it is almost like the feeling I had right before September 11th. I just was very distant from everything. And that is how I am feeling right now. :(

I had some interesting conversations tonight but don't feel like thinking and writing about them. I just am going to go back to creating. I have been in a very creative mood the last few days. I have made 4 different designs for websites....and 2 of them I am going to show to Moni to see which one she likes for Carpe Diem. So.......

Good night...


Sunday, March 17, 2002

manifesting your divine nature

Music: Dave Matthews Band

Well it is Sunday morning almost 6am. I went to SMART on Saturday night and then out with a friend after.

I am having a pms low level migraine (crossing fingers it does not hit harder tomorrow). I have been working on a website for Carpe Diem. And also now after Saturday night I have been put on the SMART Planning Committee for their website. So now at least I have a little bit of focus.

I am not tired and I should be. . . I am going to need to get my sleeping patterns back in line.

I was thinking tonight how we change according to how our life is going. I have been noticing people around me do that. I mean I look back in my life and see it too. Only example I can think of at the moment - is one with Todd. When I was with Todd, I felt that I could give up D/s. And now looking back at the months I have not had a regular everyday real life power exchange. . . I feel that I can’t live without some level of D/s in my life. But in that moment when I felt such love and such. . . Not sure the word - devotion maybe - I felt I could be happy being with him in anyway. And I don’t think I was off in that moment. I do believe with Todd how he started the relationship (notice I said “started“) it could have gone vanilla and I would have been happy. I think when we are in the moment and it feels good we accept things even if they are not our core belief or long term goal and even ethics at times.

I live my life by feeling. I analyze everything too. But I feel it more then think it. If it feels right - like the place I need to go then that is the direction I go.

I had that thing go on tonight where I was in a room full of people and felt alone.

Stopped writing about 5:45 and was reading archives of my blogger trying to find a post I did a long time ago and anyway I came across a post talking about my house. The house I used to dream about all the time. I have not had dream about my house in months I think September maybe.

From my journal - July 10th, 2000 - to explain the house more -

“. . . a reoccurring dream I have....not always the same has the same house in it. It is the house and myself that are the constant in the dream. The house is a normal house really. It has a living room, dining room, kitchen and family room are all one big room, an upstairs with bedrooms, and a basement with playroom *grin* and rec room. Anyway, I have had the dream over the years...with various people in the dream. Jim and I were in the house. Brian one of my first loves. Danny has been in the house with his kids. Honey and her son have been in the house. Jackie has been in the house and also another area that is just for me...which I will explain more. Di has been in the house but she did not live there like the others have. jackie of Detroit was in the house too but she did not live there either. And it is not like that others have lived there all at once. They have not.

I will have dream with the house and a certain person. Like when I was in Germany I had dream where Honey's son was a teenager. He came in and I was in the kitchen cutting up some fruit. He was talking about school and then asked me to sign a permission slip for him to play football. I have had dreams with Danny and I in bed. Jim and I in the bathroom off the master bedroom. Mistress DM in the living room reading and I come in with a tray with tea and such on it and serve her tea by kneeling before her. Morgan is in the house in things.....the vase of fresh cut flowers on the dining room table, a painting on the wall, a silk scarf draped over the bedpost. She is in the house but I do not see her physical presence in the house.

I have a renovated barn on the property of the house and that is me. That is my art studio. It has all my books, little boxes, pictures, music and art things in it. There are 2 levels and the top level is my art studio. The bottom had been kind of a storage area until last summer when Jackie was here. I had a dream where I created the bottom level of the barn into her studio. I let someone in my studio. She did not come upstairs but she was in the barn and maybe that is not significant but it felt like it was. “

So that is the house. When I was with Todd, he was never in the house but on the porch in a chair or on the swing. . . He would pat the bench on the swing next to him to have me come talk to him. He would tilt his head like he does and give me that smile and his eyes would be so clear and his smile would melt me. Anyway when he broke up with me he walked off the porch in the dream and turned to look at me, smiled and then I turned to the door I remember feeling like I want to run inside. But instead I turned back to watch him walk away. I can’t remember now if I saw him walk away of he was just gone - maybe that is why I don’t feel the closure he just was gone.

I brought in the package tonight - I know that is why I am thinking of him. It is sitting about 3 feet from me. I unwrapped the outside layer of the brown paper that I had wrapped it in to mail it. And now the 2 packages and the 2 letters in the envelopes are sitting there.

Because I started to get upset I stopped writing for a moment and went back to my archives -

Something that stood out to me because I believe this is true -

“When you keep your word, you are manifesting your divine nature. The more that you keep your word to yourself and to others, the more your word becomes law in your universe. This gives you something you trust -- you can trust yourself. Your word counts. What you say makes a difference. You can take yourself seriously, and others can count on you.”

When I read that….I thought of one person…..Di.

Time to go to bed and try to turn this brain off!


Saturday, March 16, 2002

each day too short

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see." - - John Burrough

"Some people weave burlap into the fabric of our lives, and some weave gold thread. Both contribute to make the whole picture beautiful and unique." - - Anon.

bombardment of the conscious

"Imagination is the outreaching of mind . . . . the bombardment of the conscious mind with ideas, impulses, images and every sort of psychic phenomena welling up from the preconscious. It is the capacity to "dream dreams and see visions . . . ."
Rollo May (1909 - 1994) US psychoanalyst "The Courage to Create," 1975.

Friday, March 15, 2002

Local Groups

I am feeling VERY angry right at this moment and not quite sure why. I have irc and yahoo on and idiots are messaging me.

One message....

"u suk dik?"

Ugggghhhh how that annoys me!

Thursday was basically a good day for me too....

I woke up dreaming of basically of the conversation I had Wednesday night.

Wednesday an old friend had contacted me and she and I ended up going to a new group for Lesbians/Bisexual women together. I felt out of it tonight. There were things I could have contributed but just no brainpower to speak up. I think the group could be a real asset to Cleveland.

I have been thinking about both local groups lately and things I could contribute to them. I hope to be able to....I am just feeling off still.

So now I feel angry.....why? I just don't know......

I guess I am going to watch a movie......


Thursday, March 14, 2002

Remember the Past

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. ~ George Santayana -The Life of Reason

Did he say he would be nice?

This is one of those posts I debated about posting……but reread tonight and feel it is okay to post. Actually will probably be posting a lot more of my offline journals….to be true to myself. Nothing I have said in them is not true, or is cruel or malicious, and/or is not expressive of how I feel about what happened.

Written Tuesday March 12th….


I see friends being able to have different views and different ways to handle things.

A while back Kam and I had a fight and I was very hurt after it. But the thing about that Kam apologizes and does not want to hurt me again. I have a few friends that have hurt me recently. None of them have apologized.

Kam and I have had some really rough times. But at least he apologizes. And even more then that he works on not doing that again so not to hurt me. The friends that have hurt me recently have not apologized. And I am sure the one does not even see where she should. The other friend I know understands what she did even if she is pretending she did not do what she did. I actually am still even having problems wrapping my mind around that a friend could do that to another let alone someone she called a friend.

When I was finding out that the one friend was lying to me...she said to me "Did he say he would be nice?" I can't believe it….that she even asked that question.

So a mad man walks into the school and kills 32 kids? Did he tell them he would be nice? Can he say to the courts “oh I did not tell them I would be nice Judge Sir.” Bring it down to "our" every day reality....a person says they are having a bad day or pmsing...does that mean they have the "right" to treat a person poorly?

Are those people friends? Yes, I think we all have the times when our bad days and pms and whatever it is that gets under your skin comes out at others - but when it happens consistently is that “right”?

You will probably see that analogy with the kids being killed again…as I have been wondering about posting other parts of my offline journals to my online journal where I talk about that whole incident a lot more.


Ps: To answer the question did he tell me he would be nice…… he told me he would take care of me, help me, guide me, teach me, show me love - to love and to be love and not hurt me….do those things mean he would be nice…..yes to me they do.


I just sat here for 10 minutes starring at an im conversation I just had.....

Not even sure what to say about it.

To someone.....

I know the definition of to yield. I know what it means.....

But I still needed to read the definition tonight to see it in black and white....

Here is the part of the definition that struck a cord with me.....

"To give up possession of on claim or demand: as a: to give up (as one's breath) and so die b: to surrender or relinquish to the physical control of another : hand over possession of c: to surrender or submit (oneself) to another d: to give (oneself) up to an inclination, temptation, or habit e: to relinquish one's possession of (as a position of advantage or point of superiority) "

Good night....


Wednesday, March 13, 2002

Pots and Pans

Music: Michelle Branch

I have been writing a lot offline and have not been publishing it. Why? Because it walks on that line that I have in me......I don't like to hurt people. And I feel some of the things I write would hurt others. So I am censoring myself and that bothers me. So, do I be true to what I started this journal for...myself? or do I walk the line carefully to do both?

Not a fun decision.

A lot of my entries have been on friendship. People I thought were friends I am now questioning. People who I did not think were friends I now see as friends.

I wonder why I expect people to be good? Not to hurt others?

All that I have went through in my life you would think I got long ago that people do bad things. So why do I keep getting up and going on and thinking people are good?

I have lost respect for some people in my life and I do not like that feeling. I am questioning lots in my life and know I am sure much of it is due to that fact that I so many things up in the air.

I have had asthma problems lately too and I had basically had 2 asthma attacks in 3 years. But I have had 5 in 2 weeks. I am going to the doctor again tomorrow or Tuesday. I am going to address a few things and also get another STD panel something I do regularly even though I play safe.

I wrote a story for recently totally different from the stories I normally write. This one was for Sir Nick. It was not for me as in my "desires" but for him to show him how much I want to please him and make his life even better then it is now. He said something to me after he read it that keeps playing over and over in my head......he said it shows a dark side to you...a different dark side then he has seen. And I did not think the story was dark at all...that is what I said to him...I am jaded. But then I thought of a few conversations Kevin and I have had and was part of the dark side. I just did not want to admit it. Now I am trying to figure out how I explain this to Sir Nick that part of the darkness in me. It is something Kevin understands....probably the only person that has got it. Sir Nick will accept it but not sure he will understand it. I guess I will find out.

He and I have been talking on the phone lots lately. Our conversations usually last about 2 hours. It was his birthday the other day and I called him to wish him a Happy Birthday. He was just on his way out his door. He is a Bachelor and that was confirmed. He has lived in AZ for not quite a year and has not owned a pot or pan since moving there. He had all things that could be used to bake in or microwave in but nothing for the stove top. He was just about to leave to go shopping for some pans. I can see if I had been there what I had been doing right away :)

It is late and I am not tired but want to go lay down and have a good cry for no apparent reason. PMS? is....

From "All You Wanted" ~ by Michelle Branch......

I'm sinking slowly
So hurry hold me
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on
Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when you're gone


Tuesday, March 12, 2002



Lost internet and cable for 1 day you would think I was addicted *grins*

I will write more later today!


Thursday, March 07, 2002


Music: Janet Jackson

Time for my journal entry......


It is a word I keep thinking about. Maybe I am thinking about it because I feel so lost right now. I do not feel the opposite of strong though...weak. I don't feel weak at all. I feel lost.

I wonder what it feels like to be a Dominant and know how much strength your submissive needs? I mean Sir Nick does seem to be aware of how much strength is needed to be my Master. I know a couple who I have talked about before and I am starting to see her Master's strength also. He seems unphased by it also. It does not seem to be "burden" to him. Where I have had people in my past where it felt like them having to be "strong" was a "burden." And I can certainly understand that concept as when I was married to Jim....I had to be strong most of the time and it felt like it was a burden to me.

There was a Dominant I went out with a few times in September that just not sure how to put it but he was not self assured. And when I told him that we would just be friends he could not understand why I would not see him more and I finally told him he was not self assured. He proceeded to tell me how talented and in demand he was for his work and on and on about how "great" he was....which of course further turned me off. It felt very much like he can't control himself so how will he control me.

And not that I don't want to have a Master that can't lean on me and such....I do VERY much. I want a partner as well as a Master. I want a Master that will share things with me and allow me to be there to comfort him in times of need.

I told someone tonight what I tend to do with Dominants is "dump" all this junk on them and then see if they run. As that Dominant said that it was not fair but that he saw why I did that I could "see what they bring to the table." Some Dominants run...some stay around thinking that is all there is to me and so they have it all and can handle it. And very few have really wanted to get to know all of me.

Someone told me on Tuesday "The biggest obstacle that you will have is that you submit from a position of strength, not one of it will take more effort to find someone who is strong enough to earn your respect, to "force" you to surrender." He is right I do submit from strength, but the obstacle I have found though is that no one really wants to "force" me to surrender. They want it handed over to them on a silver platter.....kneeling demurely preferably a busty petite blonde holding that platter. *rolls eyes* Or what happens is they see that strength and get scared of it. And don't know what to do with it.

Well, all I want to write about might be put on hold of a while. I am in a lot of pain tonight...physical pain.

Good night/Good Morning....Good day? lol


ps: It was JJ's Birthday on the 6th Happy Birthday Sweetie!

Wednesday, March 06, 2002


"Time is a circus always packing up and moving away." ~ Ben Hecht


Music: Remy Zero

I know amazing that I am actually posting something tonight besides fillers :) I have been surfing the net tonight can you tell? lol I can see Trinity pushing me against the wall and taking for me! LOL The what torture is probably pretty accurate too - scary huh?? lol Except the ignoring part. I am bad at that. Even when I want to I can't usually lol


Lets see how did Tuesday go....well I am sleeping more but now I am sleeping all through the day and up all night. I mean that I guess is better then going from 3 to 4 hours of sleep a night to now 8 to 10. I know I am sleeping more though because I am starting to get depressed.

I am feeling very lost on what to do with my life. I feel like I am starting all over again and have no direction. It is almost going on my 2-year anniversary when I started in this industry and now not sure where I am going or what I am doing.

Nick told me to look at that I have a door open and now I have so many possibilities in front of me. And I know that is a good way to look at it but for the past 5 years I have not had a regular 9 to 5 job and I wondering what the hell I am going to do. I told a friend on the phone tonight that I was not ready to grow up. She understood. As much as my job gave me stress and headaches, it has been VERY interesting. So now I am totally lost.

I chatted with Monseigneur_E and his slave Linda today online. I told him I scare most Dominants. And it is true. I do. He told me to cut and paste it to Linda. And she started giggling because she knew exactly how I feel. She said her and I are very similar...we have similar struggles within ourselves, with others and our submission. And she is right.

I struggle within myself, with others and with my submission all the time. It is like I am on a seesaw and trying to balance all that I feel and most of the time it does not work. Some emotions just weigh on me more and tip the balancing act.

I am going through grieving processes this week. Yes process is plural...more then one thing to be grieving about.

I am unsure what to do about the person who lied to me as I am still feeling a mixture of emotions on it. Nick has been very supportive and given me good advice on it all. He is so logical and calm though and I am very emotional and even though all he says makes sense my feelings get in the way. I had this shadow of memories going on today. And now I am trying to figure out what was the truth and what was a lie.....I mean if she could lie for that long so easily to me what else did she lie to me about? And yes I still care about her...but I have a big heart and still love Jackie and Todd too. Just very confused on what to do. *big sigh

Sir Nick signed online tonight and he messaged and we chatted for a little while and he then said something. It just reached out and said see this is who you are. And in that moment I felt it so clearly. I thanked him for reminding me he said you know who you are…..I now understood what he meant by that. I do….just not feeling it right now with all the gunk cluttering things up inside. I have reread the words a few times since to try to feel it again but I can't. That lost feeling over takes me again. It is cold and dreary.

And I don't want to go to sleep......



You got...Trinity!

ps: I took the picture out here as it was making the blogger wider then I wanted it to be.


People are locked inside you and hung from a high place. A chain around their neck forces them to stand, and once they are dead from starvation or the elements, birds pick their bones clean. You're probably a fan of just ignoring the people who get on your nerves. Or at least, ignoring them to the best of your abilities.

What torture would you be?

Does that seem like me? lol

Tuesday, March 05, 2002



I am putting a time when I started this 5pm Monday evening.

Music: The Cranberries

My day started with a surprise. A surprised about a friend closing her business also. I feel guilty for some things regarding my business but when I weigh things out I know I did not have another choice really.

It is like my life has ended. I have no idea where I am going with it at the moment. My job had become everything to me. It consumed at least 65 hours of my week. I wake up with no direction and no focus. I feel completely lost and alone. I have always felt alone even with a group of people but this is even a new stage of loneliness. Maybe it is grief?

Michael, the friend I met this weekend online this weekend who is an artist, called me today. We had a nice chat. It is kind of eerie how much he and I have in common - just everyday life stuff.

I then had a nice chat with Monseigneur_E's slave. It was an interesting discussion. We talked about the realities of slavery basically. That so many people think it is one way...or want it to be one way but when they actually live it they find out it is very different. Slave have emotions just like all people do and those just do not go away or get turned off.

I lived as a slave for 2 years and during that time I was an obedient but very unhappy slave. I followed my rules and in that 2 years was punished 3 times. It never occurred to me during that time to not ask for permission to do anything. Before I knew what D/s was I was asking Jim for permission to do things. I never went out without asking. I told him before I left a room. I told him every morning what I planned on doing with my day. And I did not have a clue what D/s was about. It is kind of freaky that I submitted to him without even realizing it. When I was a slave I needed some training but most of it just came naturally. The only problem was that my needs were not being fulfilled. And that is why I eventually asked for release.

....stopped......and now starting again at 5:14am Tuesday morning.....

Music: Michelle Branch

Monday night.....I talked with Nick on the phone for 2 hours. We talked about the email I sent him back at the beginning of February. It was a good talk. He is always teaching me to look at things differently. We talked about so was good and again he does not get scared when I cry which is a very good thing :)

I then signed online later and went into Mistress DM's chat room. And not even quite sure what to say about it. I mean I have purposely not written until just now because I was not only hurt but mad. I got my feelings hurt over a VERY sensitive issue with her. I actually had a discussion with 2 people about it much it bothered me. Mistress DM has told me for a very long time I am not a slave (almost going on a year when she told me that). Which has amazed me as she always felt I was a slave up until I started talking about love. She also feels because I want attention makes me not a slave. I would say all the people I know and view as slave's.....they all want attention. Most just do not admit it out loud and I do. Why do we hang out and chat with the Dominant online? Not like there is much service to do then. We do it to talk with with them...they are giving us attention during that time. Why would I not want my Master's attention? He wants mine.

If all I wanted was love....I could have stayed with Jim. If all I wanted was attention I could be with countless men that want to be with me. But I want more then that....I want to surrender. And I believe that if I am surrendering to someone I want it to be someone I love. I do not think there is anything unusual about that. All the slaves I know love their Owners.

I think every Dominant(in an ongoing relationships with not just a weekend or week) I have been with would tell me that I wanted them to be my ALL....and that I loved them and felt they were my Master. And many would say I did not see them as my partner. Funny thing is I have not had a partner since Morgan. Most would say that it was them that did not want to be my exception to that. And by that point my trust had been broke to much to make him my all.

I think there is more I could write about this subject but it is now 5:30am and I should be in bed.

good night...


Phantom of the Opera

Night-time sharpens, heightens each sensation...Darkness stirs and wakes imagination...Silently the senses abandon their defenses...

Slowly, gently night unfurls it's splendor...Grasp it, sense it - tremulous and tender...Turn your face away from the garish light of day, turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light - and listen to the music of the night...

Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams! Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before! Close your eyes, let your spirit soar! And you'll live as you've never lived before...

Softly, deftly, music shall surround you...Feel it, hear it , closing in around you...Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind, in this darkness which you know you cannot fight - the darkness of the music of the night...

Let your mind start a journey through a strange, new world! Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before! Let your soul take you where you want to be! Only then can you belong to me...

Floating, falling, sweet Intoxication! Touch me, trust me, savour each sensation! Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in to the power of the music that I write, the power of the music of the night.....

~Scene 5, Phantom of the Opera, Beyond The Lake, The Next Morning~

Sunday, March 03, 2002

Just Sex

Music: Staind, Creed, Nickleback, Coldplay, Remy Zero (mix of them all)

Well this weekend has been a nice weekend at home.

I spent time working on a website, chatting with Mistress DM, her bois, Monseigneur_E and his slave. I also made a new friend this weekend. He has *lots* of everyday things in common with me - one being he is an artist and two we both have the same religious background. In all my years online, I do not think I have ever met anyone who was Lutheran. He sounds like he is where I am kind of though on spirituality. Anyway he is a nice guy and I am sure we will become good friends.

Today during a chat I asked Mistress DM what was difference between myself a friend of ours and one of Mistress DM's bois. Our friend said just at that time (mind this will be REALLY out of context)....."my All." And Mistress DM said I would say "my love, my partner, my Master" and boi would say "my Mistress, my all, my love." So not my "all"......and so much I want to find someone that is my "all."

Is it a myth? Can one person be enough for someone?

I wrote that I had been thinking about Poly again the other night. I have been. I am just not sure I can do it. Right now I have some of Nick's attention and some of Kevin's. And because neither are in real life yet....I am not getting the basic need fulfilled yet. I need someone I can be with 24/7. Mistress DM said that a person can't be all for me as I want girlfriends, suitors and playmates. The girlfriend part is right I am sure I will want a girlfriend again (well I know I do as it is something I have been wanting lately lol). But suitors no and my first instinct to playmate is no also. Once I have some fulfilling those "basic" needs I do not see the need for others.

Also need is different then want. But I still can't see myself if the basic need is fulfilled to want others. Just as I have not played since September 4th. I have had opportunities to but I have not. Is it because of the need or want that I did not play?

Last night in a discussion we were talking about the difference between all the different kinds of sex (such as making love, f**king, and so on) There is so many differences between them all...they can't just be under one word sex. They all have different meanings. I was watching part of a movie today where a gentlemen on it was talking about that men can just have sex for sex and women can't. He said it is because they have a penis and it is an outward thing and women have a vagina and it is inward. I found that funny. I am woman that most certainly can have sex for sex. lol

There is f*cking to me it is just basically having sex with someone don't even need their first name and just go at it, sweaty, hot. F*CKING to me is that being taken or taking. Powerful, rough, hard, maybe hurting because just taken. I have had just sex where it is with just with someone and it did not do anything much for me. I am not sorry it happened but it was something just there. And then making love is something I have not done in a very long time. That is tender and intimate. And then their is torture which to me is F*CKING and also S&M mixed.

I am sure I could come up with more ways to define sex lol But those are my basics.

I am kind of out of it tonight and been up and down. And I know why.....I am not sure I am doing the right thing. I mean it feels right to me but I can hear the lectures.

My favorite quote keeps coming to mind....

"A path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you . . . Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself alone, one question . . .Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't it is of no use." -- Carlos Castaneda, The Teachings of Don Juan

I suppose I should end this as my mind is spinning about some things.....and I can't write about them right now...

good night...


Saturday, March 02, 2002


Music: Dave Matthews Band

Mood is tired tonight with a is a smiley because it is a GOOD thing that I am finally tired :)

Well, March 1st is over and if things would have went smoothly lately I would have been in Arizona right now meeting Nick. :(

So I have been depressed tonight. I was asked out by 2 different men, asked out by a friend and then there was a submissive meeting tonight too. I just did not want to be out and around people though so opted to stay home.

Poly has been going through my mind a lot again lately. I have had discussions with some people about it lately...that is probably why. People always ask me would I do it again. And that is a hard question. Parts of me say yes and parts of me say no. I guess it would just depend on the people involved.

Tonight I hung out on IRC with Mistress DM, Monseigneur_E and his slave, and then some bois Mistress DM is interested was nice. I had not talked with Monseigneur_E and his slave in a very long time. We share common D/s beliefs. I had said that I had not played since Sept. 4th and they both told me come there lol Which I am sure it would be VERY interesting! *blushes* And some good pain to feed those masochistic needs in me.

Monseigneur_E said something tonight that caught my interest....well a few things but one was........we all were joking about something and it Mistress DM said something like.....first time buying danae. How it was said though I took it as people bought me...*no giggles from the peanut gallery* and like she was asking if this was the first time I was bought. lol I laughed at that and Monseigneur_E said no she has been a renter. And basically said it and to me made it seem like I have renters all my life and now am waiting for a buyer. And I liked that.....I know that might sound so strange. I have had renters - people who stay but do not intend to really get to know the house/car/property and become a part of it.....and now I am wanting someone to be buyer. To find me and not be able to live without me. I am sure that not exactly what he meant. But it is how I took it.

Mistress DM of course had to make me blush from head to toe a few times tonight! lol I can't even remember why she said the things she did but she pushed all the little danae buttons and made me warm and flustered lol

I have been hanging out in a chat that is called Intelligentsubs. It has had some very good discussions and I like lots of people that hang out in there.

The problem I am having IRC is the same one I had on yahoo. I have in my nick the name slut. And because I do.....there is the "assumption" that I cyber. And then what most people define as slut is not my definition. Most think it is a person who sleeps with everything that moves. My definition is when a person is able to let go and be uninhibited. And just be almost animalistic and primal. There are times when I am slut mode where I would beg and do anything to have that orgasm. Getting to that state of just so much out being a slut to me. To be able to let go and just be sexually free.

So the messages I have been getting are of course are very sexual. And that is definitely not the way to get my attention.

I have talked to Nick almost every night this past week. It has been nice. A lot has been on my mind regarding him and I. He is unquestionably good for me. Not sure what is going on.....never mind.

Again almost 5am and I am not in bed......

good night....


Friday, March 01, 2002


My horoscope for March 1st....

Continue to press your agenda with a positive, inclusive attitude. Venus promises an easy time for people who share the same thoughts and desires. An old ache is finally healed.

Gawd...lets hope that it true.....

It is funny because today......I was going to do something...that I think would finally put myself on a path to heal an old wound.

Okay another part of my horoscope for today....

If you aren't going to listen to your intuition, then you may as well be like everyone else. If you feel that something needs to be said, say it. If you feel that person dancing through your imagination needs to hear something, then you'd better tell them.

Take some much-needed rest before you burn out. After a break, you won't sweat the small stuff. You have a bigger fish to fry. Sleep in, or nap if you have to.

...sometimes they are on it :) sometimes not though



Music: Ottmar Lieber

Tonight I went out with friends. I got home about 12:30am and signed online. I chatted with Mistress DM for a while and then signed on to IRC something I have not done in a long time. I just installed it the other night.

I am in a chat where a girl is "playing" with her Daddy. I am not into that online stuff but I have to say it has been fun to watch.

That part of me comes out strongly when I have been I have recently. So their play is affecting me I know because I would like to just be a little girl and curl up with Daddy and let him protect me and take care of me as I feel very lost right now. I would like him to tell me everything will be okay and give me a hug.

It is not something I bring up now either with Dominants. I is not something I list on my "needs" list. I was Kam's little girl. And let little girl out with Todd too. *remembers one time when she was very much little girl with him* Oh...stopped on that one for a few moments starring at the screen. :(

Anyway, it is not something I list as need now anymore. As I just am very scared to let that part of me out anymore. And also because Kam was so much my Daddy it is hard to picture another. I know I can feel it with others as I have but it is not as consistent of feeling as it was with Kam but he liked the little girl part and did things to bring her out. :)

Well, of course I am not sleeping that is obvious.......

And I don't have a Daddy telling me to get to bed lol....

So...just grown up danae that gets to make the decisions.

good night,
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...