Sunday, May 27, 2001

I have so many thoughts and feelings floating around inside me. I have lots of things to discuss with Aslan. Question pop up all the time I am going to have to start keeping a notebook with me so I remember them all lol

Today my mom asked me if I love him. I reminded her that I have only known him *real life* for a few weeks. She nodded...and told me to be careful but if I was in love with Aslan to be happy. She felt that people as the get older know who they are and know their feelings more clearly and so she felt people could fall in love quickly and it be "right." The question scared me. I walked around the answer and I know she noticed but I was not ready to answer it. I told Aslan on the phone tonight that she asked.

Something came up tonight.....amusement parks.......

I hate them....

I hate the rides. I hate all the people. I hate the sweaty hands and sticky is that a strange thing to think of when thinking of amusement parks? probably *shrugs*

Past Past Past....

I hate that things still get to me. But it is a fear I do not think I am ready to face....

I close my eyes and see it...I feel the rush of the wind on my face from the roller coaster. I feel his hands....on me. My screams are not screams from the rushing of the roller coaster. I see a dark theater type thing again his large sweaty hands and sticky....lots of fast images and the music of the carousel in the background.

My life is changing so fast. But they are needed changes. When I get back I need to get together with SJ so that I can have a tarot reading. I need one a lot. I feel it....and so I need to do that as soon as I can.

This week should be busy with work. I need to get more sleep this week but I also want to spend time with Aslan but time where we do not have to spend our quality time together at 2am in the morning.

I did not talk about what happened on Wednesday night because I care what people think when they read it, as some of it will be extreme to some people I know in the community. I did not write about it because it is something special for just me. Something that I do not want to have to share with anyone but Aslan. I guess I feel like I have never had anything special just to myself. With Daddy there were always others in our life that things were shared with. When I was married everything was told to Jim's parents. So I guess I wanted that just be mine. And even though this blogger is mine. It is not and I do see that.

This weekend with my mom and dad has gone much better then the last time I was here. It is not so strained. I am soooo much more relaxed and I know my parents see that. I think for the first time in their lives they see a very happy person in front of them. My mom and I have SHOPPED a LOT! lol

Today we were in Godiva Chocolates and my mom's day was made lol....The lady behind the counter asked if we were sister or related and I said yes she is my mom and you just made her day as it is her birthday. She then gave my mom a raspberry truffle for free. :)

I bought a journal today. I journal lots but it is on pieces of paper here and there. Notepad on the computer and just save it and lots of things do not even make it to the blogger. I want more of it too be here.

Aslan and I were just having this conversation online. He feels I worry about what people think of me. And I would say that a year ago that would be VERY true but now I do not worry about it. I do worry that I will hurt someone with my words thoughts or feelings but if they like me or not I really do not care either way. There are some things I need to write about and I feel it would hurt the person to read about them before I sat down and talked to them in person. Then after I talk to them then I can write about it here how I felt and how things went. But to have them read those things here before I could say anything seems almost cruel. And I just cannot hurt people intentionally. I have said things in the blogger I know would not go over well but it did not stop me from posting how I felt and expressing myself. I am defensive about this issue for a reason that is work related. In work the image of the company is very important and so I handle business things with diplomacy because it will get us further then me just going off on someone.

Nothing like going from one thing to another...

I was well thinking some hmmm sexual thoughts. I was thinking of Aslan's tongue on my clit *blushing* And right at that time he asked me if I still feel anxiety about him doing that. It is like he reads my mind. And at that moment I was not thinking anything but pure pleasure. My clit is swollen and throbbing and wanting his tongue there VERY badly lol

It is close to my bedtime....

good night...


Saturday, May 26, 2001

Wednesday night….

I am not sure I want to write about.

It is something I think I will remember all my life…..

He brushed my hair…..He touched me…he was rough…he was gentle…. He was showing me feeling inside myself I did not know where there.

I am sitting here thinking about those events and I am not sure whether to publish them or not. So if I am struggling with it right now I guess not. Even though if this was not public I would be writing about them. So still a debate…..

Okay so Wednesday night was intense….


Thursday night was a bondage class that I went to with Sir. He and I talked about Aslan a lot. And I finally admitted to him how I feel about him. Even though I know that I cannot get all that I need from Sir. It is strange because I am calling him Sir and yet Aslan is my Sir now. I feel torn at times. I will be in IM’s with Sir and IM’s with Aslan and type yes Sir in both boxes. But yet I feel Aslan is the one in control of me. I feel I am his already and so he is Sir. And so when talking Sir I have been “forgetting” the Sir at the end the sentence or question. And that has bothered me and I can tell it bothers Sir too.
Sir keeps telling me that he wants me to be happy. And I believe he does. I just think it is harder for him to lose me – not that he is losing me but our relationship the status of it is changing. And I can tell I am hurting him and that is hard on me.

I saw Moni, Michael and Lucar on Thursday night and it was good to see them again.

When I got home, I did some work and then I met Aslan again. I had not expected it. It was my last night at home. And Daddy and I had not had any time but I needed to be with Aslan.

And I screwed up again that night….

I feel at times that I keep failing. And that I just am not going to be the submissive I once was…and I so much want to give to Aslan that level of submission. I want to submit to him and do all that he wants and desires and needs. But yet I do that struggle with myself. Even as he told me what I did wrong before punishing me – I struggled not to talk back. I struggled as I was punished not to get up and walk away. But part of me could not and that is the part I wish was always there.

I said something I hate to say and hate when others say to me….I told him he deserves better. I feel like I am not a good submissive and at times I feel like I am not going to get it.

Something that has surprised me A LOT is how much I love sleeping with him……I have always preferred to sleep alone. But I miss him when I am not in bed with him at night. I miss his touch. I miss his breath on my skin as we snuggle close. I miss the warmth in his body. I miss starring at his incredibly handsome face as he sleeps…wondering what he is dreaming about in that moment. I miss touching his skin….running my fingers over his chest. I miss him. Last night I reached out for him and then realized where I was and I would not be feeling him next to me this time.


I woke in the morning and I asked for something again lol and finally I got a yes : ) So I was allowed to do it and I enjoyed EVERY moment of it. I had to stop at times because anxiety took over. He told me I was not ready for it. And in that moment I understood what he meant but I still finished and I am SOOO happy he let me do that. I still think of it and wiggle : )

I did not work much on Friday – I did laundry and packed. I then got a mushy letter from Sir that made me cry and I need to write him back still. And then I went to pick up Daddy at work and we went to dinner. Aslan called during dinner so I got up and went outside to hear him better and also so we could have some privacy. He did not sound good….or like his usual self and I wished there had been a way that I could have helped him. I am not even sure if anything was wrong except he had lots of work and was tired.

I almost feel asleep at the wheel when going to pick up Daddy so that worried both Daddy and Aslan. I called and had Daddy talk to me until I got there so that I stayed awake.

We then went to the airport and I arrived in Minneapolis last night.

Something….to ramble about : )

I think Aslan at times thinks I am basing my happiness on him. And I am not….I know that for sure. When I made the changes I did I realized then that no one else can make you happy. It is only me who can make me happy. I was happy before he came it my life and I will hurt if he leaves it – I will grieve for a while but I will not let it stop me from moving forward.

My insecurities as he breaks the walls down I think are what he sees and thinks I am not happy. But he is breaking the wall down….It is like there is this big brick fortress around me and it a few layers thick and as he busts them down I am scrambling behind him to put it back in place but things are just no fitting like they are suppose to an so it crumbles to pieces. I am very scared. But my light the warmth is still there like it always has been.

I think what I did in December was for me for my happiness. Then Sir came into my life and yes he was a level of happiness but it is like the is a line it is me and my happiness and then Sir come along and intertwines with my happiness – adding to it but not changing my happiness before he came into my life. I think Sir was a step to gain some things back such as my submissive feelings and submission. And he was very needed to get to this point with Aslan.

Okay time to get to bed….my eyes are drifting off….

Tuesday and some of Wednesday.....


I think I experience a type of sub drop again. After being with Aslan my first night I just was so caught up in it and when we left each other it just made me crash.....

And then not sure if it was part of the crashing I was out of it all day. I just felt like I was on drugs almost...but sad.

I then did a BAD thing....I said no to Aslan. And if I had just expressed my thoughts and what was going on he would have done what was best for us. But I just said no. Which of course did not go over well for very good reasons. I am not sure what I was thinking - I was not thinking obviously.

I felt horrible as soon as I did it. I could not shake it off. I was beating up on myself with good reason.


Worked and then Aslan and I met for lunch. He picked me up from a place I was working at and then we took a drive. I knew as we sat in the car with him that I would be punished that day. I had forgot to do something else and he realized that as I got in his car. He had told me on Tuesday morning when we left the hotel that I needed to bring him my art the next time I saw him. Well that was the next time. And I did not. I forgot about and part of me forgot about it purposely as I hate showing people my art and I get very stressed and have lots of anxiety over it.

So when we got to the place where I was going to be punished at....I was informed I did 2 things wrong. He sat me on his knee and told me what I did wrong and that he was disappointed. And then I got on the bed on my hands and knees and he used his belt on me.

I have never felt such pain before. I have not been punished as a submissive very much. But now I am different and it is like I am learning what to do all over again. It hurt so much and I did not want to cry and finally I let it out. And he did some more and then he sat on the bed and pulled me to him and let me cry...holding me. Telling me I was forgiven. We then left and drove all the way back as we had just drove around and around talking and talking.

Something I love with Aslan. We talk about so many different things. I want to know EVERYTHING about him. I want to share everything with him also about myself. I do not want anything that is just for me I want it to be for us...for Him. I have always kept parts of myself for me. And I do not want that with him.

I then went back to work and then went to get Daddy from work. Aslan had planned that we would meet Di for drinks so he could meet her. :) And then I was to spend the night with him. I was to bring my art and show it too Di now also - in TGIF. Ohhhh sooooo much anxiety about that one.

So I did some work then I got my art together and my bag and Aslan picked me up. We went to meet Di. She LOVED him lol She of course thinks the same things I do....he is not like any of the other Dominants I have liked or been involved with...he is down to earth - very intelligent - funny - and SO CUTE :) He is whole. He is a Dominant with me always. I feel it when he looks at me but as a Dominant he can joke around - he can care for me and show me tenderness and so much more. He can cry and still be Dominant. He is real.

So we ate and talked and talked and then....He said he was going to get my art so Di and could talk about him...

*side track for a moment...I am at my parents the phone just was one of my childhood sweethearts that was a blast from the past. She sounds the same. I should have asked about him but I figured mom could give me the scoop lol Anyway lots of memories flooded back.*

I tried to express to him the anxiety had about it....and I believe he understood but felt it was something I needed to push past but I just could not so he left I had to go to the bathroom because I felt like I was going to get sick.

I came back and he was there with the roll on his lap he had the waitress come over and wipe the table down and then he put it on the table and the first picture on the top was of her....

And I said Morgan and Di knew then why I was having problems with this not only is it hard for me to show my art is hard because lots of images of Morgan.

I had not told him about Morgan.

He sat and looked at it and when I started to cry because of the images of Morgan he took my hand and squeezed it and the things he said and the look on his face was incredible. He was feeling each line I had on the paper. He asked good questions but questions that were hard for me to answer as it happened so long ago and I do not remember the feelings or the things going on. Some things I do and some I can look at and say I was angry that day. You can tell from the lines. He could see it too.

We then drove to spend the night together....and on the way back....he told me something very painful for him. It was the first time I felt him pull away. I mean he was sharing and let it out and shared but he told it to me from a distance. Protecting himself from me? I do not think so I think he was doing as he has always done told it in a way that he was able to and still cope. But I felt walls up they are like invisible walls - so you can see but not touch.

The rest will come later I missing him and going to go try to call him...

Last weeks life.....

Work has been hard but as I said to those that are close to me....if I keep going how I *always* have been it will be okay.

I hate to hurt people. I reach out and try to help those around me when they are in need. I do not always see they are in need but if they talk to me I do things to help. And that is what I did with my business too. I treat everyone as a friend but also give them advice and suggestions to make work better. But I now wonder if it is better to treat them like "employees" instead of have clear cut outlines of what they can and cannot do.

Anyway enough talk about work on to bigger and better things :)


Monday I had work to do during the day and I was running late. Something that is starting to bother me. I used to be on time or early to EVERYTHING. And lately I have been running late almost on everything. It was raining and the rain has been getting to me lately. I need sunshine I have found out. There is lots of work things I need to get done and I have not. And Monday I had quite a few but as the last 2 weeks had been so hectic and full of headaches I felt I deserved a break. And even though there was something I wanted done by Tuesday I opted to go to spend the night with Aslan....our first night together. Daddy felt I should be staying home and working. And part of me understood but the other part was like excuse me I put in 60 to 70 hours a week and I deserve a night to relax. I mean even when I am out and about with friends I am working as I always have my phone with me. So even at my night of relaxing I had my phone with me. So Aslan picked me up. We got the hotel and I noticed things about him right away. He dropped me off at the door and went and parked. He carried my bag in. He was a gentleman. I mean that might not seem like a big deal to some people but MANY Dominants I know are very selfish and inconsiderate. And that might sound harsh but it is true. Sit in a room at a BDSM gathering and see how many Dominates get up and get their own drink and if they do see if they offer to get their submissive anything. It is really hard because when I first moved to Ohio all the service oriented things were natural to me and now it is like I block them. Because I got hurt by them before my mind has blocked me thinking about those things. And I desperately want them back. I want to just want my body to react to what my Master is doing. If he is starting to undress go and help. If he starts to get up to get a drink or whatever go get it for him. I want to be to the point of anticipation. Where I know what he wants and needs before he has to react or ask. I just at this time feel it is a long way down the road.

We got to the hotel and I was nervous. He knew I was and he told me to undress and lay face down on the bed. Another thing to get check when I go to the doctors is my hearing. I have partial loss in one ear but right now it feels like both are hearing about the same level...and that bothers me. Reason I bring that up as I did not hear me say lay face down on the bed. He left and came back and sat on the bed next to me and proceeded to give me a massage. I have a few things that bother me as I do not I guess feel I deserve good things at times. And also I have touching issues. Touching - non-sexual touching to me is - intimate. And as I know every well I have an intimacy issue. So 1) I have someone touching 2) I do not think I deserve it 3) He is he Dominant and to me I am suppose to be giving him the massage so it was hard for me to relax. He got me talking and when I talked I relaxed some it is like it took my mind of what he was touching me lol

Aslan is very smart and he is very good at understanding me. He is a mindreader *smiles* I think about when I was in Tennessee with L and e. L definitly thought I needed a mindreader. And this birthday book I have it says the same thing lol And Aslan does seem to read my mind. Even when I cannot get to the real issue swimming around in my head and I am just talking about all the other outlining things in my head he knows. He knows that there is that center thing when I am not ready to face it.

Okay so he gave me a massage. We then had a discussion about some things I had discussed with him. And then we discussed a few issues. I tried to cover my face. And he put his hand in my hair and turned my face so I could not and then told me I was not to that ever again. He told me I had much to pretty of face to hide. *blushing but not covering face* :) We then laid in bed and talked and went to sleep. Which of course impressed me that this Dominant male was in bed with me naked and did not talk of sex or imply we would go there. I feel he wanted too. But that he looking to see what is best for me - for us.

Well I have like 5 ims going so I guess the rest of the week will have to wait til later tonight...

I am at my is good to be home but different also...


Friday, May 25, 2001

The last 2 weeks have been a whirlwind of sorts. It has been very good but I am still like sitting here amazed that all that has happened really happened to me and not someone else.

There is a yahoogroup called a slave diary....I have followed her diary for about 2 years. When I first started reading it was amazed that someone actually had the life she did. I thought it was a dream. As my life was changing my feelings towards what I read changed too. I still wanted it....I could feel it inside how I wanted a life similar to hers. Her Master is a man, her husband, her friend, her lover and her Dominant was a total person...not just D/s not just BDSM not just vanilla...not just strong but kind. And I would read it and cry because of the feelings it evoked in me. At one point in my life I got mad reading it. Because I felt betrayed and not sure I can explain that but I did. I stopped reading for a little bit.

Now I have a man in my life that could be just like her Master.

He has done things I never thought of having done to me. I have always been the one to give others pleasure and many times I have not got any pleasure back except the knowing that they enjoyed it.

I am having lots of feeling and lots of things swirling in my head that I cannot get out at the moment. I about to leave to go see my parents who i have not seen in a year.

I actually hope to write on the plane and then type it up when I get there...

So everyone...Have a good weekend...


ps: I learned this week that I have lots of fears even though I am happy with my life. To keep going forward and get all my dreams - is very scary. I have learned that I have lots to learn as a submissive again. I learned that I am very selfish. I have learned that even though I am happy I can have insecure moments. I have learned that I do not listen very well. I have learned that I do not speak without thinking at times....especially with Aslan who I want to treat with respect. I have learned that I need love in my life. I have learned that I do not want to be alone anymore. I have learned that simple things provide me with great joy. I have learned that I need more sleep :) I have learned that no matter how much I try to work things out with people sometimes it is not meant to work. I have learned that I blush a lot *grin*

Tuesday, May 22, 2001

I have started a relationship that has become very special to me in a short time. I was not looking for him. As I have Daddy and Sir in my life.

He wrote me an email that stood out from the rest and so I took a chance and emailed him back. He is intelligent. He listens. He is funny and caring. He is Dominant. He is always thinking and storing the information he gathers from me to use to get in my head.

I feel like I am being broke down like I was with Don but in a good way. Things are changing in me already.

He had me write an essay and I knew it was a test and with work I was tooooo busy to really do it justice but I did it because I knew that if I did not I might lose my chance. So I wrote. It was hard for me to write. It also was a test for him even though I did not see that until today. To see if I could make him forget about it and say skip it. But he did not.

Why do we test? Not sure but part of me hates that I do. Test and/or push. I am surprised I have not pushed him away yet….but maybe I have and I am not seeing it right now.

Okay I am going to have to skip around tonight I need to write about…because it is so on the surface right now.

He is the most amazing man. He made me feel so special last night. He was a man with me. He was a man. I am not sure anyone will understand what I mean by a man.

He was not domineering. He was not passive or indecisive and not that these are women qualities they are not. But so many men in my life and those around me I see in relationships are not strong men. And me describing him as strong does not mean I do not want to see him cry and comfort him when he goes through a loss or sorrow. Because I want to be there for him in good and bad. Always.

He is one who can wipe the tears from my cheek and hold me close. And one who can say that I did wrong I need to be punished. He can hurt and expose his vulnerabilities and I want to see all he is and give just as much back. He has it all. And part of me feels like the other shoe is going to drop and he is going to wake up one morning and say, “you are a freak…I do not want to be with you.”

I am more scared then I think I have ever been. And more wanting to have a chance at things I have always dreamed of.

Last night I let go and gave him a lot of trust. More trust then others have had in this amount of time. I felt intimacy. And some of it scared me but other parts of it made me feel very calm inside.

I have been struggling what to call him here. He told me to call him Aslan. I am not sure at this time what it means but I hope to at some point.

I started to crash today again. Seeing him and then having to leave him just made me feel so alone. And as he and I talked last night – I have lots of people in my life. Lots of friends and family but I am alone. I am alone. Part of me has preferred it that way as no one could hurt me as much as when I was with someone. Love hurts.

I talk and talk and talk with him. He knows things that no other has heard. Except maybe Di and as I just found out there is one thing that I had not told Di that I told him…which of course I think shocked her lol

I said no to him tonight. It hurt more then anything. I am still feeling the pain from it. I wish so badly I could have just obeyed. I did not think it would hurt this much. I do not wish to do it again…

So anyway Aslan is in my life and I hope that we continue moving forward. He is an incredible so many ways.


Friday, May 18, 2001

I just was reading an old journal entry the one with this quote in it.....

"I want to fight you, scream at you, feel you push me harder than I ever knew, and strip away everything without mercy until I am begging just to feel you surround me, giving everything up to surrender to you. I want it rough, aggressive and furious, and to be able to fight it with every ounce of strength within me, until I finally feel the serenity come. And then, once the walls have been torn down, to reveal to you what I am, deep down inside in my core, and that I would not have the courage to do otherwise, hiding behind my shield."

And I realized what I need....and actually I think Sir said something like that on Friday......but I guess I could not accept it then.

I need a good cry. Like I had with Moni and Lucar once when they sessioned me to help me cry...that was the purpose of the scene was to help me release some stuff that I was holding in. I needed tears and I knew I needed that release to let go of some of things that I just kept hanging on too.

And right now I feel like that again...

I feel like I need tears.....

Okay this week was wow…not even sure how to describe it. UP and down and all around lol

All and all stack the downs against the ups – the downs are more but since I am the person I am I have taken it all very well. Like one of my favorites quotes that I have posted here a few times….

"A path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you . . . Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times, as you think necessary. Then ask yourself alone, one question . . . Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't it is of no use." -- Carlos Castaneda, The Teachings of Don Juan

So in essense, if I keep being the person I always have been I will remain on a good path. Because my path has heart.

Lets see what can I say about what is going on in my life.

I have been working 16 to 18 hours a day, but this week it is really paying off. It has been the best week yet since I started doing this.

Daddy has not had much of my time since right now he knows what my goals are business wise and where I am going with them. But I know that he misses having some of my time and attention. Sir and I got together last week and it was hard. I just had too many blocks up to let go. And then on Saturday I started crashing – and having sub drop because of it. I should have called him so we could have talked about it. But of course my submissive mindset was I did not want to “bug” him. Sunday I went to see Jackie. We had a long talk and though I feel better about some things but there is still some things inside that are popping up over the discussion. I talked to Honey online last week…just briefly and will call her this weekend.

And then……..there is someone new in my life……

And not sure what to say about him yet.

So I am not going to say anything except he has been here for me a lot this week and helped give me strength to handle all that has been loaded on to my plate and I am very grateful for him.

I went to lunch with E yesterday and we have a long talk that left her shocked and amazed by all that has gone on in the 2 weeks since I have been back. We then went shopping well first she tried to get me killed on the interstate by leading me to where we were going and switching lanes a million times lol

I have not gone to see Di, Moni or SJ since being back and those are things on my list. I am maybe going to SMART this weekend but it might be slow as there is a thing going on in Columbus.

Hmmmm not sure what else to talk about….I am sure there is some things but not sure the words are ready to flow…..


Monday, May 14, 2001

I just wanted to write that I am back....from Germany.

LOTS is going on in my life....

I have been sick. Not normal sick either. Not just a flu. Lots of pain. I have passed out from the pain a few times. And you know when this masochist is passing out from pain that there is something wrong lol It scares me when I start to think about it. So I just have tried to ignore it..but hard to do when I throw up and my head is pounding so loud I can barely hear anything else.

The relationships in my life are all kind of up and down.

Someone said something cute to me the other night......

I have a new Dominant that I started emailing me. And well he has been different then any others he did not even talk about D/s until this past weekend. And he has not talked BDSM or sex at all. I was not looking for him...he emailed me on an account that I get lots of trolls on lol....and I open most and read one line for amusement and then delete them. But this one was different. I read it all and responded. It has been several weeks of emailing. And right before I came back to the states I found out he was in Cleveland so go figure lol

Anyway.....someone said something cute to me the other night......

Said that he read someone that submissive out number dominants 10 to 1....and he said then how did i get so lucky to have 3 that want me. I smiled and basically said well....if you want to get technically i think it is probably more then 3 lol

Okay submissives need to have there egos pumped too. And well you know this week how things have been I really could use it.

Work stuff I am not even going to touch. Because my blood pressure and the migraine come on too fast to think about it all. I got up at 6am and started working. And it is not 1am and I am doing this blog and then I have about an hours more work and I will be up again at 6am. Fun Fun :) Really I still like my work.

In December when I turned the corner that made me start in the direction I am now......there was a blackness inside me. It hurt and felt so huge like it could just consume me. Now when I became happy. There is light. And no matter what goes on in my life....relationship problems, health problems, work problems...or whatever.....the lightness does not get covered up. It is too bright to be put out. It is an amazing feeling to know that no matter what happens to me that the light will always be there.

Okay probably sounded a little hokey but oh well it is how I feel....

I will write more....soon.....

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