Monday, February 26, 2001

a different blog for me

this is going to be a different blog for me...

tonight on was the rerun where Rosanne is out of town and Jackie is playing housewife. There is this point where it is just Dan and Jackie confesses she had a crush on Dan and then says that she thinks Dan cannot remember when they first met. They go on with their conversation but he does not say if he did remember or not. And then the phone rings it is Rosanne. Jackie says she is going and Dan tells Rosanne to hold. He then spills out the time location and what she was wearing when he first met her....

I cried.

It is a moment of is forever alive. I know it is only a TV show but the feelings it evokes every time I see that episode is the same. I want moments like that....


Sunday, February 25, 2001

A long week....but good week!

I have so much to write about that I am not sure even where to begin.

Last week I talked to Honey on the phone and I got very insecure about her and my relationship. I love her – I am in love with her and I can say that about very few people. I love MANY but I am not in love with many at all.

I have had many daydreams of her - her and I doing normal every day things together. Her and I and her son having dinner together, watching TV, going for a walk and so on. I have not seen her in over a year and it is very hard to know that she is so far away. So I am very happy to be going to see her.

Anyway I wrote her a letter and I got a call this morning at 4am. LOL well she called at 3:30 but I was not home – and that surprised her. So Daddy called me as I was just getting off the exit to our street. Honey called back then and we talked about my letter and about things going on in her life. I know she is having a HARD time right now. And I feel very helpless right now how to help her get through this so I am glad I am going to be there because I just need to be there to help her.

Monday – I dyed my hair – cinnaberry.

Tuesday - I had a toy used on me that was really cool!!! I have bruises from it still. They are fading though. Thank you to the Dominant that used it on me and thank you to the Dominant that allowed it to be used on me. I really like that toy and really need to save some pennies up for it since it is a very expensive toy.

Wednesday – Daddy was nice enough to hire me cleaners. I have been so busy with the business that I have not had time to do deep cleaning and things were starting to stack up. So I had 2 young cute girls helping me clean my house on Wednesday morning. Then in the afternoon I went to the Doctor and it was not a good experience. I always hate gyn exams but because of my past I just hate them even more. Anyway, she was not helpful at all and she felt my blood pressure was too high (which it never is) and could not understand why it would be up and why I hate going. Wow does any woman out there really like them??? DUH! So I really did not find out why I am having the pain. And so now I am going to have go to another option and here I felt I was going to the best option for me. The day pretty much was a bummer all around.

Thursday - I had to get everything up off the floors because I had a carpet cleaner coming. He was really cute and one of my friends was here when he got here and we had fun flirting with him. I then had someplace to be. I was not going to be able to pick up Daddy on time so Di picked him up and then we met up. Daddy and I then went to dinner and it was a REALLY nice dinner. M called though during it and he needed to talk so I had troubles saying I could not talk because I just wanted a quiet evening with Daddy but I also knew he had some heavy stuff going on. We then got home and a friend of ours came over. I then did some straightening up since I had everything pushed in different places because of the carpet cleaners.

Friday – I took Daddy to work and then came home and had so much work to do – business work and housework. I did business work first and then did housework. We had a party here on Friday night. It was nice kind of smaller then or usual parties.

It was a very hard night and very exciting and special night all at once.

The Dominant I have been playing with was here and he and I made it known it is him who I have been playing with and writing about. : ) Daddy and I started playing and then the Dom and Daddy played with me together and then Daddy left and played host and wax SJ and the Dom, Sir, played with me alone.

He can get in my head and read me very well. He knew something was wrong that I was not letting go and letting myself flow with things. He came up and whispered to me...asking me if I was okay and I said yes and then of course I was like okay this will not work if I do not tell him what is going on in my mind. And I was the hostess and my mind was going on that I had turned the wax on HIGH and if it sat there much longer it would be hot to play with. And I kept thinking on how it needed to be turned down and that is why I could not let go. So I told him what was going on and he went took care of easing my mind and then came up to me touched me and told me to let go…..

I heard it in his voice…I felt it pour through me……

And I could not resist and I let go……

It is so strange how it worked. I did not think I could get to subspace. I thought I could not allow myself to get there. Sir came up to me and he knew I was away but I did not realize it. He asked me questions and at this time I cannot be sure what he asked me but I know I answered very logically and clearly at that moment but when I came out and sat down is when I felt so floatly and out…somewhere very nice! lol He took very good care of me kept me covered up….held and hugged me lots. Stayed very close to me to make sure I was okay. He did great. And he is a great Dominant….more experience then some Dominants that I know who have been in the lifestyle for YEARS. There is a connection that I really like. He and I think a lot a like – do things like also. I like that we are in sync.

I am going to miss him while in Germany……..

Saturday – there was a bdsm meeting that lots of people from the party were going too and so I wanted to go, but Daddy did not want to go for lots of different reasons – many I agree with but I also just wanted to be with friends and have fun. So I went by myself. The first time I have ever went to a meeting without Daddy. It was very strange but also…hmm not sure what the word is for it. Before the meeting I stopped at Wal-Mart to get some gum and a diet coke and M called me just as I was getting the car. He was bored and think wanting me to get together with him but I told him I already had plans. He has been kind of funny lately – since telling him about Sir. After the meeting Sir and I got together with some people after the meeting and we had a nice time. We played again and that was nice. He is very aware of me. He knows what I can and cannot take. He remembers things to keep me safe - like last night he knew I would need to drive home and he did not push or take me to far out because he knew I had to be awake to drive home alone.

Well I need to end this blogger there is more I need to write about but I need to think about some things first.

I am so happy…it really feels good to feel happiness…

peace & serenity,

ps: Sir, I hope you think I have spoke kindly of you......:)

Monday, February 19, 2001

Floating Away....

Friday, I was pretty much dead tired after staying out until 2something talking. Saturday, I ran some errands and then Daddy and I went to dinner with friends and then to a local BDSM meeting. We saw lots of friends and that was nice.

After the meeting I went and played with the Dominant I have a crush on again. It was incredible. We had a very nice time. I was floating – I did not reach subspace – at least what I call subspace but this was a level on the way. I had a *great * time. I am going to miss him when I go to Germany. I wish we had gotten together sooner. But I am enjoying and treasuring all the time I have with him right now.

It was a very special night and I cannot stop thinking about it.

This week is going to be incredibly busy for me. I have been running around all morning. I have so much to do this week.

One thing to do is go to the doctor I have been having lots of pain lately and I just cannot put this off any longer…otherwise Di might come over her and drag me to the Doctors by my hair lol

So just a quick blogger for today…..


Friday, February 16, 2001

Thursday's Happenings

Yesterday was a good day and bad day all at once.

It started out good had quality time with Daddy before he went to work. *smiles *

And then I did some work that did not turn out so well. I tried to shrug it off all day and still am today.

Last night though was very nice! I had time with the Dominant I played with on Saturday. We just hung out and talked even though I think everyone in Denny’s probably felt there was much more going on at our table. A friend of mine came with for a while and she said she could feel the energy swirling around us. It makes me dizzy just thinking of it. I needed that time with him to feel good and forget about the ugliness that happened that morning. He makes me feel very submissive just by the look he gives me. And I needed that feeling very much last night to know that I was submissive and well….I guess not in control but in a good and positive way.

Anyway I have crush on him and I know he knows it lol so he will not be shocked when reading this. He is just very easy to be with.

On to other things….

I have my ticket reservations for going to Germany to see Honey! I leave March 6th. I return May 6th. I dream of being with her…touching her…seeing her before me will just be so incredible. I miss her so much.

Well I need to go take a nap as I am getting so tired from being up so late last night…..



I wrote this on Feb 14th but did not get it posted......

Today (Feb 14) I spent some time talking to Monseigneur_E’s slave. We had not talked in while because ICQ has been messing with us lol

Anyway, she said she does not feel “submissive.” Like on Saturday night with the Dominant I played with he brought feeling out in me that were very characteristic submissive feelings for me – those feelings she does not feel. So her comments of not feeling submissive had me thinking today. Does that mean that I am not submissive? (Oh Mistress DM is going to love that comment) Okay maybe the word is that I am not naturally submissive. Being submissive is work to me. It is hard to let go. It is hard to submit. There are sometimes when it is easy and that scares me. There are other times it feels like it is a constant struggle. There have been conversations with Mistress DM where I wanted to tell her off and all I could say is “Yes, Ma’am.” In those moments it was a struggle to submit but it almost was like I did not have a choice in submitting. Okay so repeating that back to myself – “ I did not have choice in submitting” – would to me imply it is naturally there and I struggle against it. So maybe Monseigneur_E’s slave just does not struggle with it. She just accepts who she is and because I have that struggle is why I feel the submission and she does not.

With Don I did not have a choice in submitting. It was that way constantly. There was not one moment in which I even thought of not submitting. Yes, I had struggles with things he asked but not because I did not want to submit it was because the task was hard. But in the end I did it. Because I knew the consequences for not doing as told. I did not have choice.

Oh I can hear those that would say if you did not have a choice then it is abuse. I disagree. I do not have choice in being an artist. I am one. So because I do not have a choice in that does that make it that I am being abused? Forced to be an artist. No, it means I can either do what is in my soul fully or half way (which I do with my art a lot). So there is a choice but there is not a choice. I cannot select not to be an artist. I can choose the degree in which I do my art though.

I can almost hear the Dominant I played with and Mistress DM in my head saying that I choose to struggle. Am I right? LOL

Okay then why do I choose to struggle? Why do I just not submit and be fulfilled?

Just some ponderings for the day…..

Tuesday, February 13, 2001

Submission is not a Gift

I wrote this 11/9/00

Submission is not a gift to me.

I am an artist. When I do my art I am not giving it to someone as a “gift.” Yes, it is nice that someone else enjoys it, but it is not something I do for another. I do my art because I need too.

I need to submit. I need to serve and eventually surrender.

When I was owned – I did not believe that my service to my Owner was a gift. It was my duty. I consented to his Ownership and Dominance and thus had the duty to serve him. I gave consent because I needed to submit.

I do believe there are some Dominants out there that can compel a submissive to submit. If she did not have that in her nature though – have that desire or need – then she would not submit. When she is compelled, she is acting from what is within herself – from the nature, desire, and need thus doing it because something in her was sparked by that Dominant. When the Dominant compels her and she does submit, I do not believe she does as a gift. She does it because it is a part of her.

I do not think that getting up at 3am to run to the store because my Owner had a craving for Ben & Jerry’s to be a gift. It is a duty. I do not call putting in an 18 hour day for my Owner a gift it is the submissive serving her Owner. It is not my “gift” to my Owner. I need to serve and yes those things may not be fun but they are what I need to do to complete myself in my submission.

Monday, February 12, 2001

Saturday night.....


Saturday night I played with a Dominant. He is *really* good. He was very observant. He made me blush just by looking at me with that Dom look. He was totally skilled - warmed up - did that right amount of thuddy and stingy and just worked me over very well :)

There were lots of ways I wanted to show him my submission, but I also do not give my submission up very easily. I want – usually - to have it taken and now I sitting here thinking about it. He took it without even trying. Much like Mistress DM does. She just is herself and it happens. Hmmm interesting. When he told me to strip though it was the more overt "taking" that I can see and of course love. The other kind like Mistress DM does and he did also saturday night is kind of frustrating to me but also gets my adrenaline pumping lol

He is very good with floggers - mmmmmmmm wow!!! I love stingy and I had all my stingy floggers with me - which was totally by chance that I had some toys with me. He really liked them but liked one the best. I had them in anticipation that M and I might get together.

I was probably the closest I have been to subspace for a very long time. Daddy got me really close this summer when we were at a play party and if I had not been standing against a wall at that party I think I would have went.

But anyway I got very close but of course would not let go - if he would have went longer I think I could not have fought it off. I would not have had a choice. mmmm how delicious huh?

I did my puppy wimper/whines and he said something to be about being a puppy! It surprised me....I have been with a few Dominants (including M in that also) that have not picked on that it was me as puppy whining - just thought it was a slut moaning I am sure. I fought with myself - after he called me on it out loud - making me feel the blush crawl through my body, but oh how I love that internal struggle - fighting against what I feel should come out and give to the Dominant and what I want them to have to work for. I stopped the whining then and every once in a while it would come out and I would try to contain it again lol

And of course, later after we stayed up *all* night talking, I gave him the information that Daddy did puppy dog training with me and that when I was puppy I had to bark for orgasms. I just hand things over to Dominants that I do not think they will ever use because well because I am cynical lol But of course he then said he would remember that. I hope to find out if he does lol

I feel a lot of the time the submissive does more work then a Dominant. Most Dominants I see - wait and let the submissive serve and feel they are being Dominant by accepting her service. Well, I did that when I was married and just because I served my husband in no way made him Dominant. I NEED more then I had when married.

And the Dom I was with Saturday understood that. He and I feel have very similar D/s views. I hope we can get together again.

It was a really nice evening and I am very lucky to have had that opportunity come up.

peace & serenity,


I thought since it was 2 years ago today that Honey and I were in Little Rock that I would just give her a special I love you here....

I love you


always, danae

Sunday, February 11, 2001

Tarot Reading...

Something I was telling Daddy today…..just popped to mind.

SJ has done 2 tarot readings on me - one was before I went to Memphis during the summer and then the other was Thanksgiving. That one was SO INTENSE! But in both of those there has been a similar thing and that thing I have always felt was saying one thing and I just realized today I think it meant something else. The last reading SJ did was kind of going over that card a few times but I was so focused on the negative one at that moment I was not letting the others even come in. If that makes any sense.

Oh and the question I asked in that last tarot reading....has been answered now....Thank you WONDERFUL Lady! You have a gift, SJ! I miss you and hope to be able to get together with you soon. *kisses* Thank you for being a good friend even though I am not always here for you! I love you. :)

And Dadddy, thank you for helping me.Thank you for accepting things that have helped me find something that was missing. I love you very much!



Well, as usual after the weekend I am very very tired. I feel like I can sleep for a few days without a problem. I put in a 72-hour week. I love it though. I like the people I work with…I love all that I do even though work has it ups and downs I am having fun with work.

I realized this past week…that I am HAPPY….

I am not sure when the last time I could have told anyone that I was happy. But I am happy. I have felt it for probably a month or more and I did not know what it was lol Pretty sad to be 33 year old and not know what happiness feels like. Anyway…I am happy.

I feel good to be alive. I feel good about myself. I have things in my mind where I want to go and what I want to do…..but it is not stressing me if I never realize some of those goals because I am enjoying my life as is and it feels very good!

Friday - Daddy and I got lost going somewhere but it was nice anyway because I was spending time with him. I called Di when I was lost and she told me that I was indeed going the wrong way and had a good laugh at me because it was pretty obvious that I should have been going the other way. Then she called later to make sure we got where we going and I was at dinner. I was going through a Chinese buffet when the phone rang and I answered it and talked at I was scooping up some food. I then realized I was one of THOSE people. Those people who talk on their cell phones in grocery store lines, who talk on the phone in the mall, at the gas station and so on.

Saturday – I worked and cleaned house somewhat I want to finish that this week and do the final organizing. Daddy and I want to do a play party and I would like to do 2 GNO’s (girls night out) one for BDSM friends and one for my other friends. (not sure I will have time before going to Germany though.) We have not had a gno since hmmm September or October I think….Jackie was at the last one. Last night I had some down time and I want to write about it but I need to get permission from the other person involved to see if it is okay.

Sunday – I came home in the morning and signed online and answered work mail, chatted with Di – babbled on and on – I am lucky that she is such a great friend to put up with my constant babbling. She said hi and I just went into what I needed to talk about and just rambled in the IM for about 10 screens lol Daddy then woke up and we realized we have not ate since Friday evening. And so we went to Perkins our favorite hang out…mmmm they have a really yummy waitress there lol And then we went to Barnes & Noble, Sears (to get thigh highs lol), then to another store, and then to the grocery store. We came home and I wrote a few emails and then I took a nap! I got up and there was a message from M.

M is going through a lot of things right now. I am hoping we can get together even for dinner or something this week to chat. I feel he needs someone to talk to – maybe do some venting.

M and I were suppose to get together this weekend, but with work, weekends for me sometimes get a little hectic. And right now his life is very busy and intense so I know it is hard for him too. Just wished I could have given him some down time.

Tomorrow is an anniversary for me…..

Honey and I met in Little Rock over Valentines weekend 2 years ago. It was a great weekend with her. I love you Honey….and I miss you and cannot wait to see you again soon!

I need to write up 2 things and then go to bed!

peace & serenity,

Monday, February 05, 2001

What is Poly - Common Problems with Poly

The dictionary did not have a definition of the word Polyamory but from French, "poly" means many or multi and "amory" is a derivative of the French word "amour" meaning love. So therefore if you put the two words together they mean, "many loves." The basic definition then is the loving and sharing of more than one relationship.

As Robert Heinlein said, "The more you love, the more you can love -- and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just."

Here is a definition from the website of
The Polyamory Society

Poly n or adj 1: many or several 2: Short for Polyamorous 3: The relationship orientation of people who love and want to be intimate with more than one person at a time 4: A relationship that is non-monogamous relationship 5: A person that is either in or at least interested in a multipartnered relationship and family

Polyamorous is a term used to describe people who are open to more than one relationship, even if they are not currently involved in more than one relationship. These definitions are broad and somewhat loose, in order to encompass the variety of poly relationships out there. The loving of more than one individual can include emotional, spiritual and sexual aspects of a relationship.

Is poly for you? This is a question only you can answer. Polyamory requires the consent of all involved, so be sure of your current relationship before you just decide you are poly. Be aware of the problems of polyamory and be secure in your feelings. Just be HONEST to those you are involved with and yourself as well!

There are common problems that arise in poly relationships that I want to address. This is from my point of view. It is how I feel about these issues. I am hoping that my experiences will help others in their poly relationships.

Common Problems that arise in Poly relationship

Problem: Not knowing yourself

Know yourself and take time to discover who you are and what you need and want. Think about what issues do you carry from your childhood or your last relationship. Are you a jealous person? Do you have insecurities or competitiveness? Also think about what things push your buttons or get under your skin and ask yourself why they do. Try to organize your thoughts on what do you need and what do you only want. Think of things that you might be willing to find a middle ground on. What are your strengths and weaknesses? Remember when learning things about yourself to account for all your good points, sometimes we tend to see all the "bad" things and let them overshadow the good. If you do that, also make note of it.

Try to be as honest with yourself as you can. If you know who you are, it will be easier to build a solid long lasting poly family.

Problem: Communication

Communication in poly is the essential key, just like in any relationship. If you do not talk/communicate then the relationship will not get very far. I believe that if you have even a nagging little problem - like someone forgot to put his or her dishes in the dishwasher and you ended up doing it. If it is bothering you, talk about it. I think weekly meetings at the beginning within a poly household are very good because talking and getting to know each other more and more will only help your poly family become stronger - have a stronger bond.

Problem: Jealousy

Jealousy or insecurities is the number one poly relationship problem. There are very few totally non-jealous people around. If you are not jealous you are at advantage to help the others by being patient and adaptable to help the other get through their jealous issues or insecurities, but this does not mean you should not be so patient or adaptable that your needs are not being met. I personally can back off and have a lesser degree of a relationship for the other person, but I cannot do this long term.

Jealousy cannot just go away. It is something that has to be verbalized and out in the open. It is not something that goes away just because you love someone. Just because a Dominant wants a third (or forth or fifth) and their partner is a "slave" does not mean that that slave can magically have all his/her insecurities and emotions go away saying "I'll just do this for my Master (or Mistress)" does not work. You have to deal with the issues causing the insecurities.

I am not sure where I got this but I thought it was interesting. If you know the source please let me know so I can give credit to them.

"Jealousy occurs only when one's needs are not being met".

The above quote, I believe, is absolutely true. However, jealousy can occur by ones own issues as well - things that are unknown sometimes are hard to accept, understand and be open too. It also can be a symptom of a lack of self-confidence and self-worth. All of which take time to learn or heal. Unfulfilled needs can be one cause, but really, jealousy is just is a symptom to a larger issue.

I do think that jealously and insecurities can be worked through with communication. If all parties are open and honest that is the way to deal with fears and issues.

Problem: 3 people makes 3 one-on-one relationships

3 people makes 3 one-on-one relationships that have to work. This is not an easy task, if you realize how much work one good relationship takes. Individual relationships - in a D/s poly household are needed. I think it is good if the Dominant has individual love and caring for each submissive or partner. And also that the submissive or partners get to know each other and have separate individual relationships with each other.

My former Master would take a new submissive and I went out of my way to make sure that submissive had quality time with our Master. Also submissives that were in a long distant relationship with him I made sure had time with him. If I saw them online, I would sign off to give him time with chat with them online, especially if they only got to talk for a couple of times a week online. If they called, I made sure to free him up so that they had time to talk without being interrupted. But I also took time for us - the submissives - to get to know each other also.

It's my opinion that private time is a MUST for any poly relationship I am involved in. We all need our space and each of the relationships deserves some space. I want to have time together with my sister for us to go shopping and have "girl time." If that involves sexual interaction, I think its can be negotiated that the Dominant have a say in when, where, how, etc., but that the time belong to us and I feel that time is important. I feel that time will help the bond of the family be stronger. I feel it is important in developing a relationship, whether there is sexual interaction/intimacy between all of the family members or not. Any sisters that aren't bisexual does not mean that there should not be bonds and alone time created. There are things they can do as "Friends or Sisters." For me, I love this time with my sister submissive not matter what form the relationship takes is very important.

I also think that two people need time alone, whether my Owner and myself, or my sister and my Owner, or my sister and myself. Time to talk/do whatever we want. Time to bond. I can respect and be secure in this, because that is what I would like to have also.

Problem: Lying

Tell the truth. It is very important in all relationship to tell the truth. If you think that you could hurt someone's feeling by telling him or her the truth and lie instead, please re-evaluate that. Lasting relationships have a foundation of trust and that trust can only grow with honesty. And honesty is the best policy. If you do not think you can tell the truth in your relationship then I would say you are in the wrong relationship. I would say don't ask one submissive or partner to lie or keep secrets from others. Secrets might not be lying but it can encourage lies. Secrets can build walls and discourage the family bond to grow - that intimacy that is needed to keep the family close. I believe you should have private things between each other but know the difference between private and secrets.

Problem: Not taking responsibility

This means a few things. If you were the one who forgot to unload the dishwasher the third time in a row because you plain forgot or did not want too do it or even other reasons that stem to bigger problems, own up to it. Say you did and try to be clear in your communication why you did not do the whatever the thing is that has become a problem in more then one way.

The other meaning is just to own your feelings. If you are feeling sad, angry, happy allow yourself to feel it and better yet express it. Also own those feelings know that others cannot "make" you feel that way. You react and you are the one who can control those reactions. You always have choices. Accept that sometimes you will feel good or bad for no reason at all - not because of what people are doing to you or your life.

Because of issues or baggage from your childhood or past relationships you might play the victim or martyr as a way to manipulate people. In doing so you are letting the past control you. Take charge of your own feelings and actions and life here and now. You are responsible for seeing that your own needs get met.

The more responsibility you take over your own life, the more freedom you have. Even in a D/s relationship as a submissive. Because you will submit from strength and that is a very freeing feeling.

Problem: Not giving respect to each other

Treat your family members, as you want them treat you - with respect. They are not strangers - they are family. So remember they deserve the politeness we often give to neighbors, co-workers and others acquaintances.

Respect each relationship as well as people. Each relationship will come together forming its own shape and should not be forced to be like yours. Each person brings something to the individual relationships and those things will combine with the others and probably not be like the things you bring to the relationship. So each relationship will be different. Try not to project your own expectations onto other people - on what you feel "their" relationship should be like. It is hard at times not to do that.

I know it happens in some families where a parent treats one child better or loves one more. But try to love each member of your poly family equally. If you are giving all your "good stuff" to one partner and take the other for granted that is not showing each other respect. Try to treat each evenly or someone will feel slighted. Competitions start when comparisons are made, forcing one to be the "loser." In a poly family all should win.

There are other problems that can occur but communication with all, in my opinion, means you can work them out. Through communication you will build trust and an open and honest relationship. And through those things you will build a poly family that works with each other to create a strong bond through communication and lots of understanding and hard work.

Sunday, February 04, 2001

Busy Weekend

This weekend has been busy.

Friday I put in an 18-hour day in. Work things were just kind of weird. But we survived. Saturday was interesting. Daddy and M met. I set M up to do something before he and I got together – plus he has some things going on his life that just made him very tired by the time he and I got together. We spent about 2 hours together. We talked mostly. : )

Today Daddy and I had breakfast with Di : ) We are going to try to make that a standing date every other week. After we came home, I changed and then went out shopping. I bought 6 skirts, 3 tops for me, 2 shirts for Daddy and other little odd-n-ends. Need to ask Honey her size again because I bought her something today I think she would look VERY sexy in – yummmmyyyyy!

I have lots of things to do this week for work and for personal life too. I need to call E tomorrow for sure and touch base with her. I want to see if she can go to lunch this week. I need to write SJ – I have not had chance to chat with her in a while. I need to write Jackie. And Honey I know you read this you had not called in 2 weeks so I know something is up – I love you and miss you sooooo drop me an email PLEASE!

I actually better get to bed. I am going to try to work on an article tomorrow I started ages ago on Humilation.

peace and serenity,

Thursday, February 01, 2001

Taking Submission

Well, Wednesday morning was interesting….

I got up with a low-level migraine. I took some meds and signed online to do work. I check all the work email addresses and then I signed on to danae and icq. And Mistress DM was online. She of course had to give me a touch of reality. lol As someone said to me this morning, “there's nothing more frustrating than having your illusions taken”

She told me reason I am throwing myself into work right now. What gets me with her is she always has to push the truth on to me when I do not want to see it lol and then she gets me to feel submissive to her at the same time.

There is this Master/slave couple I know (which I will talk about him further later in this post). And he pushed the slave so that she got so mad in a scene that she said she hated him. I always felt that had to have been a very intense scene. And I could actually never see myself reacting that way. I do not think I could let go to say it. But Mistress DM pushes me a lot to get frustrated….because she makes me admit that truth. This morning it is hard because I am getting frustrated but I am also submissive towards her. And I really do not have a choice in it lots of time it feels like. It just happens. Today she asked a question that I wanted to say no to. But I could not think of using the word “no” with her. It is very irritating.

Then she signs offline. And the Master of the Master/slave I was talking about before messaged me… Monseigneur_E. I had not talked to him in a long time.

He does intrigue me. He takes submission. And that always intrigues me. Because it is how I feel my submission has to come out … be pulled and taken from me. Like with Mistress DM..I do not consciously choose to be submissive towards her. She pulls it from me and makes me. But at the same time she is not even trying ugghh so what would she be like when she tries lol

So this Master said, “If you admit it to me once, I'm likely to start taking some more little aspects of your submission without asking because I will know the feelings are there....and that implies some level of consent.” And to me he is right and I think a lot of submissive feel that way. That they have expressed their feelings so the consent it there and they just wait for the Dominant to make their move then to show they want the submissive.

I think that is actually how one enslaves another - that is how it starts. There is admission that He/She makes you feel submissive and then there is an unspoken term of consent. Now that does not mean that if you are submissive to your boss in a way that give him/her unspoken consent. I do think it gives them unspoken permission though that the next time “that” situation comes up that you submitted to before – that the boss would expect it again.

I keep thinking about a post that someone wrote on a mailing list. I wrote her and asked if I could quote her…so I will post it now. It kind of fits in this conversation…. wrote:
“being a slave to me is declaring/accepting/being forced to accept that you are not equal to those around you, never were, and never will be. i guess i still think of slaves as what was brought over and used (unjustly) as household help. i realize in bdsm the term brings on different meaning, but in my mind, it has just that meaning. you have no rights, no privileges, no nothing, you exist solely to serve your master.”

I love that first part…..declaring, accepting, being forced to accept that you are not equal…

That is it for me. I have declared I am submissive. I have accepted. But at times I need to be forced to accept I am. I need to be forced to serve and please. And some might call that “abuse” but to me it is surrender. That it the only way I see to surrender.

The talk with Monseigneur_E also became interesting because we talked about Poly. He is the FIRST….Male Dominant I have encountered with this view. Well, Daddy has this view too, but Daddy at did not at first. But does now.

I told him that I encounter Male Dominants who as soon as I told them I was in love with honey that they said “well either she would have to become mine or you have to give that relationship up.” They would tell me I could not be totally enslaved if I had an outside involvement.

He said, “IMO, a set of circumstances, a commitment, a relationship that exists at and prior to the enslavement should be accepted, honored, and allowed to be fulfilled. Requiring the abandonment of those commitments would degrade the value of the slave, and in turn the integrity of the Master.”

This will sound strange but I almost cried when I read those words. “Hope is a waking dream”….it was as if I woke from a dream. Because I really did not think any male Dominant had this view.

I am lucky with Daddy that he really, I believe, felt how important honey was to me. I know it was really hard for him to let me be with her 3 years ago when she and I met in Little Rock.

I had lots of work to do yesterday and did not get it all done. But I got lots done today even though I woke up this morning with a killer headache.

I got website work done. I did other work related stuff. M called today. : )

He talked for a while. He writes but not professionally but should. He wrote a piece that the Cleveland Free Times is looking at but thinks is too controversial. I am sure they are right. The scene would be a better place for it, but the scene I know will not touch it.

It was nice was nice to talk to him for so long. I want to see him and he wants to see me too - it looks like maybe Saturday night we are getting together. I sent him 2 “scene reports.” And he liked them. He said the one kind of reminded him of us. And I agree. He is a lot like the guy in the scene report I guess that is why I sent them – well one reason. They are really hot lol

This weekend with work will be busy! I am really happy that things are going good. And I know once I do a few more things to the business it will be flying : )

Daddy talked to me tonight about getting the 3rd bedroom’s carpet cleaned and do what we need to in there to make it a playroom : ) I am THRILLED of course! For Christmas I bought him hunter green and black rope, some little odds-n-ends, and then 2 new floggers – one has a black wooden handled with hunter green suede tails and the other is absolutely gorgeous. It is black long thuddy – weighted handle – turks knots on the handle – handle is black and gold leather and the tails are black deerhide I think it said. It is beautiful. We were going to play last Thursday night when we spent the night in a hotel. But some work things came up and he went to take care of them for me and by the time he got back we both were so tired and it was so late and I thought we might wake other hotel patrons that we did not play. I think he wanted to play this Saturday but I mentioned seeing M so he did not bring it up again.

Well I need to get to bed. It is Friday tomorrow and busy as usual.
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