Sunday, July 31, 2005

Chocolate Chip Cookies!

I totally forgot that I wanted to post this...

A few weeks ago I made chocolate chip cookies and they turned out! I live here in the altitude and so getting cookies to work has been a challenge. Especially chocolate chip cookies...there is too much sugar in them for the altitude which makes them get flat, crispy and crumbly. So crumbly that I can't get them off the pan.

So I took a picture to mark the occasion that they WORKED! I finally found a recipe that works! Yay!

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Masturbation Survey

I think I am boring now...I think about if I would have answered this survey 2/3 years ago it would have been much more exciting. I love being owned but my sexual side and sex life has changed since being single (and an escort) not for the worse just changed.

Are you male or female? female
How old are you? 37
At what age did you start masturbating? 4
How many times a week do you masturbate? 7 to 20
How many times do you orgasm each time you play? 1 to 2 average

Where do you masturbate:
In bed? yes most of the time
In the shower? sometimes
In the bath? very occasionally
At the computer? I have in the past
Outdoors? yes I have before
At work? don't work but in the past yes I have
Every room in the house? no not this house but in past yes I have

What do you fantasize about when you play:
*** Most of the time I don't fantasize I just feel the sensations

A significant other? yes most of the time
A stranger? very rarely
A student? no
A co-worker? no
A member of the same sex? occasionally
A past lover? yes

What position do you play in:
On your back? yes mostly
On your tummy? occasionally
Sitting? sometimes
Standing? I have but don't prefer it
Kneeling? I have but don't prefer it
On all fours? I have but don't prefer it

How do you play:
With fingers and hands? yes most of the time
With feet, heel of foot? no
By humping something? yes I have done this at times
With a toy? yes always
With water from bath, Jacuzzi or shower? yes at times

What porn do you use to masturbate:
Written erotica? no - but I used too use it
Pictures? very rarely
Movie clips online? very rarely
Videos? very rarely
Something on TV? very rarely

What is your favorite porn:
Straight sex between man and woman? yes watched but enjoy others more
Gay or lesbian sex? if going to watch porn I do prefer lesbians in the porn
Group sex or orgies? yes sometimes
Blow jobs/oral sex? rarely because it is so available in porn it becomes boring to me -- rather give then watch
Cumshots? rarely
Anal? yes sometimes
Interracial? yes sometimes
AgePlay? I have never seen many pictures/movies of age play but I can't see it doing it for me even though I do like age play myself...but who knows
S&M? yes mostly
Roleplaying? yes sometimes
Kinky? yes sometimes

Have you ever masturbated to:
Email messages? yes I have in the past before I moved to be with Master
In chat? yes I have yes before I moved to be with Master
Exchanged stories or pictures? yes I have and again....before I moved to be with Master

Have you ever:
Been caught masturbating? yes while in relationships by lover, once by my ex-sister-in-law, once by my Mom but she did not get what I had been doing
Masturbated for a man/woman? yes
Masturbated for the same sex? yes
Masturbated in a group? yes
Masturbated for a photo? yes
Masturbated for a webcam? yes
Masturbated for a video? yes

Do you ever:
Play with nipples/breasts when masturbating? yes at times
Insert something or play with your ass? yes at times
Insert something in mouth when masturbating? not when alone but if Master is watching yes sometimes :)
Use pain as a method of playing? sometimes

For men and women:
Do you taste your cum? yes I have
When was the last time you masturbated? today
Are you wet or hard now? yes
Are you going to masturbate now? no
Are you a masturbation addict? I guess I could say I used to be but not anymore. I used to play about 10 times a day
What is the most you have played in one day? 20 times I think

Wednesday, July 27, 2005


Buddha had an analogy.
Milk is milk. Then it gets churned into butter.
Butter is butter. Then it gets processed into ghee.
We reach points at where
the way we have been for a while no longer fits,
it becomes unstable and unable to continue.
Then we reach out into the unknown
and discover the next way we are to be.
Like a caterpiller becoming a butterfly.
Like a little girl growning up and becoming a mom.
Like a busy executive retiring to a beach.
Never fear the dance of change.

~ Thomas Ragland

Help Annissa Support PFLAG...Pretty Please

The wonderful beautiful annissa of Life as His is doing blogothon and so....I just wanted to give her a plug so that maybe some of you fine kinky folks would be willing to help her out...

Click on the button below to find her entry that tells you all about it...

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Rules and Punishment

This is a response to an egroup post where someone asked what rules were the slaves required to follow and if there was a punishment for not following those rules. And what are some of the rules that slaves have in their relationship.

In the relationship I am in....I don't really have rules....

I have protocols and rituals I follow. But nothing that is listed out saying "you must..or else."

One reason Master does not like rules is because most rules can't be followed in every setting usually. He wants what we do to be flexible enough to use in all settings so even when I am around vanilla people I have protocols that no one notices but us. But they are there and have meaning to us.

Also because he does not see the need for rules -- as the things I need to do...fall under common sense, service and obedience. I know what he likes and doesn't so I can kind of common sense it out. If I am really unsure of what to do - I ask. Otherwise I am to obey and serve - which are pretty straight-forward also.

Master does not really believe in using punishment in our relationship because of how the structure is set - if I were to blatantly disobey it would mean there is something seriously wrong in our relationship and he would be looking at to see what want wrong and if it is worth it for him to repair it.

Meaning - if I were to out and out violate his trust or disobey blatantly then something is wrong with our relationship. Something so serious that it might not be repairable. So when I say it might not be worth it - I don't mean if I say something with attitude he will release me. No it does not mean that at all...if I were to give attitude that would get discipline...either a look, lecture or physical discipline.

For Master punishment means I have blatantly disobeyed and he can't see that happening so no need for punishment.

Sunday, July 24, 2005


Did you know that because Master can do what he wants me to me and I am not in control...that he will one day cut off limbs?

I get very annoyed by those type of remarks. They get tiring just to answer a million times too -- because you would think out in this big umbrella of BDSM we would get by now that EVERYONE does it DIFFERENTLY!

Sorry just a little annoyed that some people just don't seem to get it.

Maybe more on this later...

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Marking the Day....

Well tonight marks an ending....I already wrote my tribute to them in SMART's Newsletter...

But I just wanted mark the day. A group that my best friend in Ohio started is having their last meeting tonight. I was hoping to be there with them but it was not possible.

Anyway, I have been thinking of her and the group all day.

Sad to see such a wonderful group end but thankful for meeting many wonderful people through their group!

Sending hugs and good thoughts to Moni and all of Carpe Diem!

Thursday, July 21, 2005

quick life update plus a lot of links

Master is leaving to go out of town without me....

This week has been a really bad health week for me so Master made the decision that I am staying home. He will go over do a couple of the things we had scheduled and then come back in a couple days. I am really bummed about it as we would have had some good quality time with like minded friends and I miss that.

Plus I just don't like the idea of being home alone without Master. But I do hope to catch up on some things that were neglected this week because of my health issues.

So on to the links....

News article...Attorneys find Dykes on Bikes patently offensive, reject name

Hartford Advocate has this article... Slaves and Masters
Could sex play that involves pain and submission be, for some, a path to liberation?

Because I am obsessed with Coldplay....Coldplay Code

Because I am also a big Kevin Smith fan....his online diary

Button Maker - to make buttons like the ones on the side panel for Kindlings, Under My Skirt, TPE Forum

URL Text Tree

Online Generators...pages and pages of silly things to play with

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

MythBusters and Fisting?

Okay so Master and I being the geeks we are....pvr'd Myth Busters special for Shark Week on Discovery Channel.

They were trying to bust myths from the Jaws movies. The one that caught my attention was the one where they were going to see if punching a shark would help fight it off if attacking. So they were rigging their dummy to have moving arms to punch. But they wanted already made rubbery fists that they could modify to rig onto the dummy. Well, they stated that anything can be fond in San Francisco. Master paused it as Kari (one of the cast members) entered a store. The name on the store....Mr. S Leather. Kari goes in and talks to a sales person. She says something to the sales person such as, "I bet most people don't by these for punching sharks." They never stated what they were actually used for but they bought two fists - one with a closed balled fist and the other that was kind of fist with fingers cupped in. Both are of course sex toys! And so every time they were showing them...all I could see is them fisting someone.

I was a little surprised they actually showed the name of the store -- but actually I would not have noticed it I am sure if Master had not pointed it out. I wonder if there were any other kinky people that noticed it out there.


I am alive....

I am just going through quite a bit due to my health and so kind of depressed....thus have not been in a writing mood. We will be leaving to go out of town again on there will probably not be much of an update until next week.

So I will at least post some art....


Together Forever

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Random: TV, Trip, Food, Mail, Email, To Do

I can't sleep so some randomness...


  • Sci-Fi is going to start running Firefly! I can't wait to watch them all again. I am such a Joss Whedon whore!

  • I am a sucker for Extreme Makeover Home Edition with Ty Pennington. As strange as this sounds it is the ONLY time we have local TV on.....and it just happened today because we got home around the time the TV timer came on to that show. I just cry and cry during it always. Tonight's was especially heart warming to me and so I went through almost 10 Kleenex!

  • I just saw an advertisement for The Closer which I know quite a few people are watching....and it looks like it will have an SM theme going on tomorrow night.

  • TRIP

  • Missed our kitty cats while gone

  • It went past fast but we accomplished the things needed too. It went better then I thought it would.

  • Even got some art done that I hope to finish it off with a shadow box frame. I altered a CD - covering it with strips of cloth and then sewing beads on it. I need to find one that is relatively cheap though - so if anyone has any ideas where I can find one please let me know. (6x6 or 8x8)

  • We leave again -- on Thursday to go out of town for the weekend again...that takes a lot out of me and I am sure when we get back I will be going into hibernation for a bit.

  • FOOD

  • We had really good pizza on Friday night. I want to look for the recipe for the dough online it was so good.

  • I am stuffed and we ate hours ago

  • Not food but I have went through 3 bottles of water within about 2 1/2 hours and I think I will be up urinating all night long


  • I got an email from someone living the area....and I have come to think I am a snob. I will explain this more I am sure later. It is a rant I do often of wanting to find M/s couples to form friendships with but not finding them.

  • Then the young college boy that wrote recently annoyed me too -- writing under the guise of learning more about BDSM, but also wanting pictures. Then sends me an invitation to join a picture sharing site -- where I basically I join and have a folder for pictures for him.

  • MAIL

  • Need to send out ATC's to several was sent out Friday before we left as it was long over due. The rest are all ready to go...just need to get them mailed. Two are going over seas so I need to bring those to the post office. And I think the third might be a bit heavier then a 37 cent stamp so that will probably make a trip to the post office also.

  • I have a little package started for DM that I need to finish getting together and mailed out

  • I have a little something for Jessica, but need her new address - so if you read this could you email me that pretty please

  • I need to drop Lauren an email (which I will do right now) so that I can make sure I have her snail mail right to send her some art

  • Need to discuss with Master sending something else off that has been on my mind lately.

  • Need to email my best friend from high school as I owe her an email big time as she wrote me a really really long one a while back and I never answered it.


  • Need to wash the floor in the kitchen as it is a mess even though I washed it 2 times last week

  • Need to get packages together so we can take to mail before we go out of town again

  • Start on the themed ATC swap that I joined and hopefully get those sent out before we leave also

  • Unpack and do wash

  • then start a new pile to pack

  • Regular chores of course too
  • Neat Link....from Flickr

    We just got home a little while ago from being away for the I am kind of just relaxing catching up with email and blogs. I will post more later or tomorrow hopefully.

    A fellow artist friend posted this link. I thought it was cool!

    Orange Dcase 205 2 rta 1N_01AE

    Thursday, July 14, 2005

    Thunder in the Mountain Memories

    So have seen random posts on elists and in the blogworld talking about Thunder in the Mountains that is next weekend (July 22-24). And it was making me think of past Thunders as this year we are not going.

    So here are the links to recaps of the weekend for 2003 and 2004:
    Thunder 2003
    Mini-Review Thunder 2004
    Thunder Part 1 2004
    Thunder Part 2 2004
    Thunder Part 3 2004

    Monday, July 11, 2005

    New Forum

    There is a new forum out there....that I want to let everyone know about...

    From the website: "A community for those interested in frank, honest discussion about TPE relationships and the many dynamics they form."

    Saturday, July 09, 2005

    Changing Boundaries

    We all change over time. Sometimes the boundaries we think are absolute are actually mutable. Accepting the universal understanding that ”all things change” is one step towards understanding how our thoughts, ideas and boundaries evolve over time. Recognizing this affect allows us to walk a more sustaining, dynamic path.

    Our internal boundaries may not be realized until that boundary has been broached or revealed. For me over the years I have seen the scope and understanding of my boundary lines change. I once believed in the notion of limits and safewords, but as I've gotten to understand my enslavement I realize there might be things I don’t want to do, but I no longer have boundaries with Master. I’m not advocating that everyone needs to do away with boundaries, as everyone is different and that’s okay too.

    One strong example of this deals with the idea of head shaving. There is an appeal because of the depravity, the reduction of one’s self and for me that concept is particularly hot. Whereas several years ago I would say head shaving was an “absolute internal boundary,” today I get very turned on by the mere thought of it. Does this mean I really want to have it done? I am not sure. That act invokes the deep emotional masochist within me – the love/hate relationship; specifically in the areas of humiliation and degradation. It’s an internal tug-of-war that is also quite mutable over time.

    Now, if Master wanted to explore shaving my head, despite my misgivings and struggles with it, I would do it because he desired it. For me, that internal struggle sometimes creates a bigger turn on as it reinforces my place in my mind as well as bridges the need to be with someone who will explore those same dark images/areas. The act transforms into a desire because of what it symbolizes to me and how it’s internalized. The reality of being out in the world with a shaved head scares me (along with all of those similar things) yet it also turns me on at the same time.

    Dominants have a similar mechanism, but I do not think of it in terms of boundaries. Master has several preferences and has a fairly narrow scope in how he wants to use me. Areas that are found in my own personal dark desires cache are not necessarily within that scope of what Master will do with me. That’s okay. Because ultimately what is important is that Master has the foresight when we approach areas and internal boundaries where my struggles and fears are. Instead of imposing his will, or forcing me to “just accept it,” he institutes a foresight approach where an act is anticipated so that it can be discussed and dealt with before hand. This minimizes the anxiety into more controllable portions.

    One cannot underestimate the importance of knowing your partners through and through. The notion of “Master would never do X to me because it is a limit of mine” is not real in my world - as it’s not my place to decide. But this is where we took the time and effort to know each other in the beginning stages of our "courtship" (for a lack of better word). The process extended well beyond the discussion of kinks, dark desires and a general philosophy as it pertains to the lifestyle. It was important for us to discuss our worldly views on life, politics and what we wanted in a relationship because we both desired a permanent relationship that would last well beyond the confines of chain, whip, protocol and the lifestyle.

    Not all internal boundaries have a love/hate attachment – some are wrapped around some painful emotional baggage I’ve had for years. Several months ago, Master went down on me. It is not something I enjoy. So, if he never had gone down on me – I would not have been upset. But it is something he desired and so he helped me get through it. He took things slow. By realizing how I react to some things, he put in place things to help me get through this…and well, when it came time and he went down on me, it wasn’t that bad. Am I desiring it? Did it automatically move from the boundary column to a desire column? No, but I also didn’t go through the same layers of panic as I’ve done in the past. That by itself is a huge step for me. Master’s foresight helped me get through this internal baggage I associated with receiving oral and he was very respectful of the deep emotional effect the act has on me. By instilling a caring, understanding environment, he helped me get through the situation and I believe it will become easier in the future, and maybe I will even desire it someday.

    Another example.... One of Master's favorite fetishes is hoods (latex, leather, full, open faced, no matter.) Before meeting Master I had no inclination or desire to be put in a hood. There mere thought of a hood going on terrified me. I had several issues ranging from feelings of claustrophobia, to fearing I wouldn’t be able to breathe, to the psychological, emotionless, featureless coldness about them. He started things off very slowly. He put on an open face hood -- attached to no scene just laying there talking with the open face hood on. No sex, no other bondage, no s&m – just sitting there so that I can get used to them. As time wore on, he incorporated some elements, maybe some bondage, some light, controlled s&m, and some light touching.

    He then moved to a very light see through cotton hood. Again things were taken at a very controlled slow pace, as just being in it and cuddling and talking with it on was a huge step. Master saw this and made sure there was no pressure. Each time one of the hoods would go on, he stepped it up a little more. Today, I’ve worked up to being in a leather hood with little slits for breathing. What was once was an internal boundary, has evolved into a desire. Hoods turn me on today when I remember a day when I never desired them. As I look at the more extreme hoods I get wet and dream about that day I can be in one. One day Master wants me in a fully sealed hood with only breathing tube. I’m scared, yet I’m wet at the same time.

    It was important for me to realize that my internal boundaries have the ability to change over time.

    However, this just doesn’t apply to hoods, bondage, or other activities within the bondage or sadomasochism arts – I’ve had several aspects of my M/s philosophy change over the years.

  • For instance, once upon a time I believed the philosophy that submission was a gift, but over the span of time I have a different understanding and perspective of what it means to me. I no longer subscribe to that belief. I have come into a different understanding and how it applies in my life.

  • Once upon a time, I thought I could never submit to a woman. I can and have since.

  • Once upon a time, I thought being a submissive just meant following rules and SM.

  • Once upon a time, I believed all the romantic M/s crap that I read online. It makes for good fiction, but hardly applies in reality.

  • Once upon a time, I thought being a slave meant never expressing my own opinion.

  • Once upon a time, I believed in SSC for myself. Today I believe in being aware of my risks, that edges that some say are unsafe and insane can be safe and sane for others, that consensual non-consent is a place I often end up and thrive in.

  • Once upon a time, I thought surrender would happen as soon as one was owned....oh boy did I fall hard on that.

  • Once upon a time, I thought service was just what the dominant told me to do. Now I have found out that often it is things that he never even sees that I do to enhance his life even without credit.

  • Once upon a time, I thought how things were in fantasy -- could be reality 24/7.

  • Once upon a time, I thought that you could only be a slave, if living with the Master 24/7.

  • Once upon a time, I thought D/s and M/s couples had a deeper connection then vanilla couples.

  • These revelations should not be a reflection of anyone else’s path or journey. For some, SSC is how they define their limits and that’s fine. For myself though – I’m on a different path. It doesn’t make my path better or further along, it just means it’s different.

    But as I scroll up and re-read all of these things, I think “oh brother what I was I thinking!?” In some instances I got too caught up in the whole "group think" mentality and did not pay attention to my internal workings. There are so many different dimensions of thought regarding any singular issue. And to me the most responsible thing is to review all the angles and pick what is right for each of us.

    There are very few absolutes in life. By our very nature, things change over the span of time. Coping and understanding changes leads us to better grasp on the evolving path which lies ahead. If we’re rigid and resistance to change, then we do not grow and we subject ourselves to the potential for falling down like a fragile house of cards. Recognizing that we live within reality, we increase the probability of growth and understanding of ourselves, of our place in the lifestyle and life in general.

    Friday, July 08, 2005

    Little Tidbits

    This is going to be a random list of little life update tidbits...

  • Thank you Thank you to a friend for the wonderful package of paper and great ATC! I still owe you an atc and I will get that out next week....I am sorry!

  • Thank you Thank you DM Ma`am for the package! I have some things together that I need to get to you also! (side note: I loved the stickers on the envelope too, Ma`am)

  • I am a wimp! Today I had several moles removed to get tested for skin cancer and I am in pain. Well one spot was on my left shoulder blade. So now every time I move my left arm and hand it hurts (I am left handed) - so it is a little swollen and throbbing

  • Because Daddy said I was an extra good girl at the doctors office -- He brought me deal shopping at Big Lots! I am a bargin discount store whore...give me a place like Big Lots or Dollar Tree over Neiman Marcus and I am in heaven (mostly because I can't afford most things in Neiman Marcus unless they are having a really good sale). Master bought me quite a bit there. He even picked up some canvas' there. I am not sure the quality, but they will get used! He bought me an 22 x 48 and 2 - 11 x 14. And then he bought me tons of stickers, some stationary, gluesticks, and erasers (that I am going to carve to make my own rubber stamps). And also something from the hardware section I am going to use in art. Thank you Daddy!

  • More to come later
  • Thursday, July 07, 2005


    Marking the it will be forever marked....

    It is a horrible thing that happened. I can't image why we have such horrors happen in your world.....why we have such hate.

    My thoughts are with those in London....hurt, injured and healing from this horrible tragedy.

    Tuesday, July 05, 2005


    You Are 51% American
    Most times you are proud to be an American.
    Though sometimes the good ole US of A makes you cringe
    Still, you know there's no place better suited to be your home.
    You love your freedom and no one's going to take it away from you!

    Monday, July 04, 2005

    Quote - Richard Bach

    "No matter how qualified or deserving we are, we will never reach a better life until we can imagine it for ourselves and allow ourselves to have it." -Richard Bach

    Saturday, July 02, 2005


    a question from Kindlings.....

    What words do you associate immediately with the following words?

    fear - death
    doubt - struggle
    kneel - serenity
    submit - yield
    deprivation - sleep
    responsible - irresponsible
    brainwash - condition
    collar - leash
    tears - pain
    complete - balanced
    accountability - responsibility
    isolation - closet
    authority - Master

    Live 8

    Today is Live 8 - where series of 8 simultaneous global concerts are being held to allow people of the world to call on the leaders of the wealthiest countries to make poverty history.

    It is on MTV right now.

    Why is Live 8 happening.....well every 3 seconds in Africa someone dies. Every 3 seconds. That is unbelievable. 30,000 people die EVERY DAY! I feel ashamed to say that I did not know that until today. I did not know that the number was so staggering.

    July 6 through 8, the "Group of Eight" get together and can....make history. From "The G8, or the ‘Group of Eight’ Summit is an annual gathering of leaders from the world’s eight wealthiest and most powerful countries (Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Russia, the United Kingdom and the United States). This summer, these leaders will gather in Scotland to decide the fate of an entire generation living on less than ONE dollar a day. On July 6th – 8th, President Bush and other G8 leaders will discuss the major social, political and economic conditions that leave nearly ONE billion people living in extreme poverty – nearly half of whom live in Sub-Saharan Africa. With your support and voice, President Bush and other world leaders will know just how important these issues are, and together as ONE, we can Make Poverty History this July."

    They have a petition to sign online to urge President Bush to do soemthing about this proverty and make histry by eraticating it.

    Friday, July 01, 2005


    Sandra Day O'Conner is retiring


    Q&A about M/s and BDSM - 2

    More questions...

    I am curious if those in alternative lifestyles practice this when outside of their homes? For example, if you went to your family reunion would you act like your Master's slave?

    I am always Master's slave no matter where we are at -- but most likely you would never notice it. I think people notice something, but nothing they can peg down. But most of the protocols and nuances of our relationship you would not notice happen.

    Such as I always wait for permission to eat - even with family or friends, but no one notices as we are so subtle.

    Does the relationship goes beyond a sexual one? (Meaning, if you are a slave, are you a slave in all areas or just when it comes to sex?)

    I am always a slave...even beyond the bedroom. I serve and obey him always.

    What happens if the slave decides he/she doesn't want to be a slave anymore? Can you just "quit"?

    I can't ever imagine not wanting to be a is just a part of me so I need this. I can't quit having blue is a part of me. And so is being a slave. I don't want to quit.

    Do I have bad days and think gosh I just wish he would go get his own coffee? Yes, I do have days like that but I am duty and honor bound...and I can't go back on what I said I would do. That would hurt me more in the long I just get through bad day as best as I can. (side note: Master gets his own drinks, snacks, and coffee a lot.)

    Just like with any other relationship -- it is good to get to know a person before becoming committed to that you know their ethics and morals. So you know if this is someone that you will mesh well with long term.


    True faith
    complete trust
    without understanding:
    It is to accept

    - The Tao is Tao, 22
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