Saturday, July 31, 2004

Public Service Announcement

I just want to make everyone aware that if someone emails you from danaewhispering @ it is not me! Also, if you could would you please let me know if you do get email from that address claiming to be current address is located on the side menu.

I do have the AIM name, but am rarely on AIM. If you want to talk to me via messenger use yahoo please. And again if you get any mail via an aol address from me - it is not me. I use yahoo and gmail.

I am not quite sure how the aol screen name became active again. I did have it at one time. But as I said I now use yahoo and gmail. I don't know what is exactly going on, but it is a little disturbing as my profile and old website associated with the aol name is up also. Strange huh? Anyone ever have this happen?

Edit: Just to let everyone know the former account was not in my name so aol won't give me info on it.

Friday, July 30, 2004

Thunder Part 2 - Day One of Seminars

First Seminar...
"The Way of it - Establishing and Maintaining Protocol in Relationships" by Laura Antoniou

It was great. I have heard her speak before in Cleveland at SMART. And actually, it was the same talk. But this time it seemed to impact me more.

Many of the things she talked about Master and I talked about when we were at SMART Fest.

The main thing we really got from it - that I think we were needing to hear - is to keep things new. That just because Master has set protocols does not mean they have to stay that way forever…that He can change them. I know He knew that but I think He/we needed to hear it make that ah ha moment happen. It is kind of odd because so many of our protocols are un-noticed even by us now because they are so habit. And one of the things that Master has liked about the protocols is because it is his active control and my active submitting. It shows me my place and with some of our protocols, those feelings are not there because it is so everyday to us now. And so He is coming to a place of examining why He wanted them...if they can be changed or what else does He want for protocols. He has asked my input too but it is hard for me to voice those kinds of things. So through Laura's class we had a gentle reminder to mix things up....that He can change, eliminate or make new ones.

While she was talking about protocols she was talked about speech as a protocol and Dominants that make their submissives call all Dominants Sir/Master or Ma`am/Mistress. It is something I have had issues with in the past….I knew a Dominant that told submissives he met to call him Master so and so and when they refused he said well at least Sir. And it was an ego thing to me. And so right from there, it turned me off.

Well Laura pointed out something that I never thought about and it was a good point to why Dominants might want to think twice about having their submissive call all Dominants Sir or Ma`am - because it is nonconsensual topping. And it is…I mean did the Dominant go out and get permission from every Dominant the submissive is going to be contact with to see if that was okay? Also what if someone does not want to be called Sir or Ma`am - the submissive would be disobeying if they did not use the title. Also by calling a Dominant Sir or Ma`am you might be offending them by using the wrong title. I know females that go by Sir and Master. So a submissive calling a female Ma`am might be offending them. Or maybe you run into someone who is a switch…how do you know when he or she is in Top mode or bottom? There are so many reasons why titles to me are a bad idea.

It would be better to have common courtesy and say, "May I called you by a title?" Then just assuming it is okay.

Second seminar…
"The Mind is the Best (W)hole to Fuck - Mindfuck, Erotic Terrorism and SM" by LthrEdge

This time slot every seminar was one we wanted to attend. But mindfucks is not something Master does a lot of with me but is something I enjoy. I think we both were hoping for help in the area of why the mindfuck does not seem to work for us and how can we make it work for us - but our question was really not answered (but then again we did not ask it either).

Although the seminar was good…and LthrEdge is a good speaker and gave good information on the mindfuck, I wish we would have gone to Master Jim's and slave marsha's. Because I don't think we were ready for LthrEdge's seminar because Master and I are still in that learning and building a foundation stage where mindfucks just don't come into our play. That probably makes no sense but to Master and I.

LthrEdge brought up a woman he had never met and then started to talk about how he had poison ivy recently and that when he was trying to find things to bring with him to use in this class - that he could bring on an airplane. He could not find anything so he went out and found some poison ivy as he could bring that in his check in luggage without problems. And he held it with plastic gloves and such…and brought it really close to her and began to tell facts about poison ivy. And she squirmed a little. At the end of course, he said that it was not poison ivy that it was just a plant he found outside the hotel.

The woman also confessed she did not think he would be able to mindfuck her and he did.

He did a good job because how he said things…the things he said and such…made you think maybe it is poison ivy. It was just believe enough and that is a mindfuck.

So here are a few notes I took…(after I found out there was a pamphlet with all of the notes in it)

LthrEdge says there are 3 F'n Types of Mindfucks…
1. Fear based mindfucks
2. Fantasy based mindfuck - things that can't really do - such as shrink
3. Faith based mindfuck - deep trust & submission based

3 basics for a mindfuck
1. control info
2. less is more
3. deliver and maintain

To do a mindfuck….
Communicate - talk with the person about the details they fantasize about
Trust - build enough trust to have the bottom show up
Start Pre-Mindfuck - such as asking them for first of kin contact info or insurance info
Keep the mindfuck going
Be adaptable
Aftercare - Put danger away, wait to come down (combative high), discuss what happened, give what is needed: water, space, touching, talking.

Third Seminar…
"Rope Bondage without Restraint" by Jason Ryan

This was a technical class - showing how to use bondage without restraint. And it was good. He was good speaker. Showed easy methods that could be adapted upon. He did it in a way so we could see exactly what he was doing and explained what he was doing clearly.

Master has not ever been into rope and one reason has been He has not seen it done, explained or such in good ways to start. Most of the time they have been classes that are more advanced and not a basic 101 class or they classes where he could not see what they were doing or hear what they were saying. So this class He could see and hear. And it inspired Him! Yeah for me! Because I always have enjoyed, bondage although it is something I have not had a lot of in my BDSM.

So right after the class, we headed to the vendors and Master bought more rope. He actually had gotten some rope before the class as He did think of putting me in a harness later even before taking the class. After the class though He decided He not only wanted a more intensive harness, but the bondage to go down my arms.

It was cute….as I said we had bought some rope early that morning at Rainbow Ropes and then after the class Master came back and said to the owner well I need to buy more rope. She said very cute and kiddingly, "Oh we hate people like you."

Jason Ryan did a body harness, and then bondage that went down legs and arms that was not restraining just covering. They were very cool and his submissive has a GREAT ass! Okay that was off topic but he did a harness on her and then bondage down her legs - she was wearing latex pants that were like a second skin and with the rope going between her legs over her ass was yummy!

One thing he did that I had never seen before was a head harness. I am not sure I would like that though….for the same reason I don't like hoods with open mouth and eyes….I feel like a bankrobber. But with the head rope harness, I can see it being very pretty with colored rope or hemp.

Forth Seminar…
"The Gentle Art of Kicking, Punching & Takedowns" by Fifth Angel

We saw Suturing and Stapling - SM Arts and Crafts by him last year and it was very interesting. The stapling is what I thought looked the most interesting. Anyway, since we enjoyed that class of his last year and since we have affection for punching we went to this class.

I like Fifth Angel. He is enthusiastic about his subject matters. He talks clearly. It was a good class.

I would really like to hear some of the things he has to say about breath play. He is in the medical field and he touched briefly on that he does not agree with Jay Wiseman's essay on Breath Play. I might have to write him just to ask him about that.

All the things he did with punching we pretty much knew. He did different things then the person from last year so that was nice. Kicking is not something Master and I have really done. He has kicked me before, but it was to get me moving not to hurt me. Anyway, Fifth Angel only did kicking on a male…so I was kind of disappointed he did not demo on a girl too.

The end part of his class he did a really primal mini-scene with someone and it was so hot! He included punching, kicking and takedown! Yum yum yum! It made me want to have fight with Master….in a good away of course!

Day Two of Seminars to come….that is where I had the most moving experience and the most boring too.


“A slave cannot have expectations.”

Whenever I read that for some reason I always get a little upset by it. I have read it and heard it manytimes and it always makes me feel just a little put off by it. I even remember when I was first chatting with Master before being owned by Him – He said something similar and I got all up in arms about it.

But at the same time, I have written posts about not liking when I have expectations.

Maybe I need to look at definitions…Because I have written about expectations before and I think I am confusing some words. In my mind I see it as hope or wishing on some cases and other cases I see as in counting on something because it is duty or honor bound or someone has given their word.

When I read or hear “a slave can’t have any expectations,” I interpret it, as slaves can’t demand anything. And I get that totally. But then when I sit with it more and think of how I define expectation…then I get a little confused on why slaves can’t have expectations.

So now, here are the definitions…
Function: noun
1 : the act or state of expecting : ANTICIPATION
2 a : something expected b : basis for expecting : ASSURANCE (they have every expectation of success) c : prospects of inheritance -- usually used in plural
3 : the state of being expected
Synonyms expectancy
Related Word design, hope, intention, motive, notion; prospect

1 archaic : WAIT, STAY
2 : to look forward
3 : to be pregnant : await the birth of one's child -- used in progressive tenses (she's expecting next month)
transitive senses
1 archaic : AWAIT
2 : to anticipate or look forward to the coming or occurrence of (we expect them any minute now) (expected a telephone call)
4 a : to consider probable or certain (expect that things will improve) b : to consider reasonable, due, or necessary c : to consider bound in duty or obligated (they expect you to pay your bills)
Synonyms await, count (on or upon), hope, look
Related Word anticipate, apprehend, divine, foreknow, foresee

I am going to ramble a bit…

To say a slave can’t have expectations is to say a slave can’t have things that I think are positive to the relationship or also just cutting off a natural human response to me.

Anticipation or to look forward to:
There are things that I do look forward to and anticipate with Master.

Such as Master bought rope at Thunder….I look forward to Him using it on me. Master learned some cool things in the duct tape class….I am anticipating him using them on me after He gets some pipe and sports wrap.

There are times I hope for things with Master. And I have always considered those expectations. I don’t demand them, don’t even voice them out loud and know Master does not have to do anything he does not want to do – but I hope sometimes for things.

Such as if we have a weekend with nothing scheduled I will hope that we will play or have sex. And when it does not happen I get disappointed – not only because we did not but also because I even hoped for it in the first place.

So, is hoping for those things bad? I mean is a slave never suppose to hope for things?

Because I can take it further - I expect (read hope) that I become better in my service to Master. I expect (read hope) that our path keeps moving forward. I expect (read hope) that it becomes easier for me to surrender each time I am faced with a challenge. All those expectations are positive hopes right? So, aren’t some expectations good?

Okay now from another angle of the definitions….

Count on due to duty or honor bound:

Master expects me to serve him and I will even when I don’t feel like it because I am honor bound to being Master’s slave.

So flip it around….can’t I expect Master to own me? I mean I know He could get sick and tired of me one day and release, sell or give me away – but knowing Him as I do – if it were ever getting to something like that He would be telling me about it before He actually did the deed. So, up until that ever happens (hoping that it does not) – can’t I expect to be owned by Him? Also, He has told me He will control me so can’t I expect that from Him?

Another example that is not so broad…Master has told me He would not pursue anyone outside our relationship until we had our foundation solid and that we were heading steadily into the direction he wants us to be so can’t I expect that He will honor that?

Isn’t having expectations just a human thing…just like emotions. Just because I am a slave does not mean I can shut my emotions off – so just because I am a slave I can’t shut my expectations off.

I totally understand a slave can’t demand to have her hopes met…they are wishes and if they come true great…if not we need to get over them and let them go. But I still think taking away those hopes…takes away something positive and good also.

I think am over analyzing the word expectation and the phrase "A slave cannot have expectations."

Thursday, July 29, 2004

What Type of Social Entity are You?

The Regular Jo(e)
Category III - The Regular

You are the quintessential standard conjured by the
word 'Friend'.

What Type of Social Entity are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Things Done....

We just got home tonight and it has been a long day so all my brain could handle was this...that I got this from subsonora's blog....

In order to play, you bold the things you have done. Then add five more. Three things you have done, and two you wish to do

01. Buy everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swim with wild dolphins
03. Climb a mountain
04. Take a Ferrari for a test drive
05. See the Pyramids at night
06. Hold a tarantula
07. Take a candlelit bath with someone
08. Say 'I love you' and mean it
09. Hug a tree
10. Do a striptease?
11. Do a bungee or parachute jump
12. Visit Paris
13. Watch a lightning storm at sea
14. Clean behind the fridge
15. Stay up all night long, and watch the sun rise
16. Ask the/a question you've always been too embarrassed to ask
17. See the Northern Lights
18. Go to a huge sports game - football, rugby, baseball, American football, etc
19. Create your own masterpiece
20. Grow and eat your own vegetables
21. Touch an iceberg
22. Have an office relationship
23. Sleep under the stars
24. Compromise
25. Change a baby's nappy/diaper
26. Take a ride in a hot air balloon
27. Watch a meteor shower
28. Get drunk on champagne
29. Take a luxury holiday
30. Give more than you can afford to charity
31. Look up at the night sky through a telescope
32. Have an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
33. Have a food fight
34. Bet on a winning horse
35. Take a sick day when you're not ill
36. Get a pet
37. Ask a stranger out
38. Have a snowball fight
39. Photocopy your bottom on the office photocopier
40. Scream as loudly as you possibly can
41. Hold a lamb
42. Enact a favorite fantasy
43. Take a midnight skinny dip
44. Hear the words 'I love you'
45. Fly on Concorde
46. Take an ice cold bath
47. Have a meaningful conversation with a beggar
48. See a total eclipse
49. Ride a roller coaster
50. Hit a home run
51. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
52. Dance like a fool and not care who's looking
53. Adopt an accent for an entire day
54. Visit the birthplace of your ancestors
55. Gave a grand romance with costumes and everything
56. Made up a screenname to stalk someone
57. Gone shopping for no reason
58. Actually feel happy about your life, even for just a moment
59. Just be held
60. Have an adventure where nothing goes as planned
61. Kissed someone you truly wanted to kiss
62. Went clubbing and thought to yourself "I could out-dance them if i wanted to"
63. Called your relatives by their relationship in another language
64. Have two hard drives for your computer
65. Cuddled
66. Visited all 50 states
67. Love(d) your job
68. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
69. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
70. Have amazing friends
71. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
72. Swim during a formal
73. Stolen a sign
74. Backpacked in Europe
75. Taken a road-trip
76. Rock climbing
77. Nose piercing
78. Midnight walk on the beach
79. Sky diving
80. Visit Ireland
81. Saw what you wanted and did all it took to seize it
82. Fell in love then fell harder and faster from heartbreak
83. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had lunch/dinner with them
84. Visit and/or tour Japan
85. Benchpress your own weight
86. Stolen from your parents
87. Alphabatized your records
89. Pretended to be a superhero
90. Sang karaoke
91. Made someone cry for no good reason
92. Lounged around in bed all day
93. Posed nude in front of a room full of strangers
94. Dressed sexy for no reason
95. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
96. Kissed in the rain
97. Played in the mud
98. Played in the rain
99. Gone to a drive-in theater
100. Done something you should regret, but don't
101. Visited the Great Wall of China
102. Fell in love with a job that has nothing to do with the degree you're pursuing
103. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
104. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
105. Started a business
106. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
107. Toured ancient sites around the Mediterranean
108. Taken karate
109. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
110. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
111. Gotten married
112. Been in a movie
113. LARPed
114. Loved someone you shouldn't have
115. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
116. Gotten divorced
117. Had sex at the office
118. Surprised yourself with a talent you didn't know you had
119. Been to Macchu Picchu
120. Gone without food for 5 days
121. Never left the continental United States
122. Made cookies from scratch
123. Won first prize in a costume contest
124. Ridden a gondola in Venice
125. Gotten a tattoo
126. Got another tattoo the next day because you didn't feel balanced
127. Find that the texture of some materials can turn you on
128. Rafted the Snake River
129. Blazed it up at Burning Man
130. Gotten flowers for no reason
131. Masturbated in a public place
132. Gotten so drunk you don't remember anything
133. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
134. Traveled the world
135. Performed onstage with a famous symphony orchestra
136. Been to Las Vegas
137. Met Madonna
138. Recorded music
139. Eaten Shark
140. Had a one night stand
141. Gone to Thailand
142. Courage to speak my mind
143. Saw Robert Smith and Siouxsie live
144. Bought a house
145. Earned my degree
146. Broke my neck
147. Been in a combat zone
148. Buried my father
149. Buried my mother
150. Was adopted
151. Am the oldest child in my family
152. Had the chicken pox
153. Ran barefoot in the woods
154. Lived on the beach by the ocean
155. Vacationed in Hawaii
156. Married a man i met on the internet
157. Taken ecstasy
158. Built a webpage confessing my love for someone to the world
159. Made snow angels in Colorado
160. Told my mother that i loved her
161. Gave birth
162. Known you were going to die if something drastic didn't happen, and quick!
163. Had group sex
164. Write a novel
165. Learn to love myself
166. Taken piano lessons
167. Marched in a band in front of 70,000 people
168. Had needles through my nipples
169. See the ruins of castles and cathedrals in Europe
170. Wake up with someone I love on a daily basis.
170. Visited Germany
171. Moved someplace without knowing anyone there
172. Live(d) someplace I always dreamed of living
173. Visit the Louvre
174. Have Godiva Chocolates whenever desire

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Thunder - Part 1

This event was different then last years. Last years we did not do as many seminars, we played more and such. I think we did that because last year Master and I had not seen each other for 2 weeks and it had been the first time being away from each other since I moved in. So, it was that absence makes the heart grow fonder thing going on…where we could not get enough of each other and could not keep our hands off of each other.

This year although Master and I enjoy our intimate time and SM time we took in more seminars and hung out with people more then we did last year.

I liked both last years and this year. I liked that we played lots last year and were like giddy school boy and girl who are in heat, but I also liked that we had really good quality time of sitting and talking with other like-minded people this year. And that we attended good seminars that we were able to talk about and enjoy for use in our relationship.

Friday – We left about mid-morning. We arrived in Denver to shop. Always fun. I could not find a shawl or gloves in GJ, but of course, we found them right away in Denver. After shopping, we headed to the hotel to get checked, registered for the event and unpack car – which of course was loaded although we were only there for a weekend. As we pulled into the hotel parking lot – some friends of ours pulled in so we gave them hugs and hellos right away.

After dinner, we got all dressed up. I wore a dress, with a shawl, gloves, hose and flat little shoes with bows on them. I don’t think I ever said that I hurt my knee while in Santa Fe and so I am having on and off trouble with it. So, Master did not want me to strain my knee with heels this weekend so I only wore them for a little bit on Saturday night in the dungeon.

So after dressing we went to the vendor area, then the meet and greet before heading to the dungeon. We just walked around and watching scenes. We bumped into someone we know. And I could have left that out of the weekend. It is hard when you see someone as a certain way and then find out so much of who they were suppose to be was lies. I think of other people in my past that was like that….and glad that we did not hook up.

There was only one that I really enjoyed and boy do they scene. They go for hours and hours and hours! All sorts of things happened during it but I will just share some highlights - such as her being taken down from the equipment she was on and as soon as she was lose….she started hitting him. And him sitting on her face…leather crotch right there. Umm yum! They also used 2 to 3 different hoods and a gas mask all in one scene. Really when we entered the dungeon they were playing and when we left, they were still playing. After we went to the dungeon we joined some friends for drinks….at 1am we are on the way to our room and the couple was just getting on the elevator with us.

Saturday morning we woke to of course have sex! And then got ready to have breakfast and head to classes. Classes will be all one entry so see part 2. In between classes, we went to the vendor area. Master was looking for a penis gag and another ball gag for me, as the ones he has are too big for my mouth. Master ended doing most of his buying before classes ended that day.

After classes we grabbed some dinner and then took a power nap before getting ready for the dungeon. Our power nap was a longer then a power nap though so we arrived at dungeon later then we wanted. I was very scared about what Master was having me wear to the dungeon but I did it. When we got to the dungeon, Master go out the red rope he bought and first did a body harness on me. And then he did bondage connecting from the neck of the harness and going down one arm…wrapping around my wrist and going back up the other arm and connecting on the other side of my neck. It was nice. I enjoy bondage. So it was nice that Master was getting into it. Only thing that is hard for me was to not help him. Because I have had more experience in it then him. But I got to a point where I was able to let it go and just watch him wrapping ropes as well as catching glances at all the scenes.

We did not play a lot in the dungeon just here and there. Master would punch and squeeze here and there…finally stopping to use the baton on me. We watched a few more scenes that were good that night, but still not nearly as many as last year. The one scene we watched the most – was someone known in the BDSM world and she had a HOT HOT scene….noose, kicking, punching, and energy abound…yum!

After we went to our room, Master put the new hood on me and played a little more before fucking me. It was about 3am before we got to bed and so it was a little hard to get up on Sunday but with the sun shining into our room so brightly, it was hard not too.

Our room was thankfully not small like last year, but the hotel well it is a pain. I mean I appreciate that they let all us kinky folks gather there but the price for the rooms are too much. So many little things wrong with the room – like curtains not closing - only inner liner which is like a sheer curtain so sun shining brightly is not blocked out at all. Also the room we had was bigger but they only had it available for Friday and Saturday night so they wanted us to move out Sunday morning by 11am but might not have anything available for us until 3pm to 6pm. So Master called around the area and found one that we could get into at 10:30am and bigger then the normal rooms at the place we stayed. And so much less expensive!

We checked in between classes and then came back to the rest of the classes. Sunday evening we changed and went to give something to Master’s sister before having dinner and then meeting friends with for drinks. We had a nice time chatting with them. I liked being able to chat with people we knew who were in the lifestyle. It was nice. I enjoyed their company a lot.

The weekend we were up early and to bed so late that we were exhausted so we collapsed into bed on Sunday evening and woke up a little later then we had intended to on Monday. But we were in no rush. We checked out and grabbed some breakfast before heading back home. Our kitty cats were happy to see us.

Now we have unpacked somewhat and are getting ready to leave again on Thursday afternoon to head to Denver again for Master’s sister wedding. We will be gone a week as Master has work in Denver also.

Part 2 will not be posted until I get back....and that won't be until Wednesday. Part 2 is all my thoughts on the seminars we attended.

Monday, July 19, 2004

We're Back! Mini Review for now!

We had a very nice time.

Just a few things quickly...and then a longer post to come...

We saw some good being someone who we can thank for getting Master and I together. We had some really good conversations with them. When I am around good lifestyle friends, it really hits close to home how much I miss being able to talk with like minded people.

We went some really good ones. Favorites were "The way of it - Establishing and Maintaining Protocol in Relationships" by Laura Antoniou, "Rope Bondage without Restraint" by Jason Ryan, "There is Power in the Blood --Cutting as a Part of a Ritual, Ceremony & Spirituality in M/s and D/s Relationships" by Master Jim and slave marsha and then "Duct Tape - Sticking it to your sub" by Jason Ryan. I was surprised that I enjoyed the two SM technical classes, but the speaker was a personable guy that really gave practical advice for a couple of fetishes Master and I we had a nice time in both of his classes. And inspired Master to get more into rope bondage. yippee! I will go into each class we went to we went to the positively boring and annoying and also had the most moving experience I have ever attended at an event. So I will write more about those sometime this week.

Master did not spend as much this year as last. But we of course could not escape without buying some fun stuff....

Master bought:
  • lots of rope, bondage tape, and a ball gag that has a swirly red ball. All together Master bought 150 feet of rope. Of course it is not in all one piece.

  • a leather hood that was made of perforated leather with thick leather pieces as seams - hole for mouth - shaped nose - laces up the back. It fits really great and the owner of the store was there and he is just GREAT. We also found out they are located in Denver so if we need a leather fix we can go there when in Denver.

  • The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage by Fetish Diva Midori

  • Then Master let me buy some things with money I earned from a website I designed.

    I bought:
  • The final 3 of Laura Antoniou's books that I needed to have a complete set up-to-date Marketplace Series. I got them autographed too.

  • And then I bought Master an S&M t-shirt. I don't have a job outside our home. So when I earned the money - being able to buy a gift for Master was important to me. Because if I want to buy Him a gift I have to either make something or ask Him for money. And that is always a little hard. So being allowed to buy Him a gift with money I earned was so special for me. Master collects M&M things and so the S&M t-shirts with M&M's on them were a good gift for Him. I got one of a purple M&M in a corset and hobbled. As Master loves corsets & hobbles on His girl and of course purple is my favorite color so He would think of me when wearing it.

  • Dungeon...
    I don't think there were as many heavy scenes this year as there was last year. I saw just a few scenes that were really making me go, "oh hot!" And last year it seemed I was saying a lot more. I do have to say I think I liked the set up of the dungeon more this year then last though. It seemed more social friendly. Last year chairs lined the outside and now chairs were just kind of grouped here and there to watch scenes.

    Okay so that is just a few I said I will write more on the experience of Thunder in the Mountains 2004!

    Thursday, July 15, 2004

    Why I get turned on by getting my head shaved...

    I wrote about a dream I had of getting the hair on top of my head shaved off. As I was writing an email the other day, I realized I probably have never mentioned why I have such a love/hate fantasy. Well you see it is all due to my wonderful friend, DM. Isn’t it wonderful how Dominants can plant seeds into your head that just take over?

    Years and years ago DM I went through some thoughts of me coming to serve her for a year or maybe less.  But one of the things she said she would do was shave my head. Now, I had never at that time heard of anyone having a fetish for this and I am not for sure if she does. But when she told me I kind of got mad, but of course, I got turned on too. And the more I think about it the more it turns me on. And of course it is now one of those fantasies that plays over and over again but still not sure I would really want it done.

    I remember asking her why and this is how I remember the conversation went but again it was a long time ago. So not sure if I am getting it all right.

    I believe she told me that she felt I was hiding. And that my hair and things that I adorned myself with made it easier to hide. That I would be able to let my inner true self out…the slave part of me easier if I had no where to hide. Of course, she being the sadistic mean bitch she is….also loved that it would humiliate and degrade me.

    Anyway, that is where the seed was planted and now it has grown into MANY varying fantasies about it.  Thank you DM!


    I need to Thank Conrad James at Life – Sex – Hunger. He did a write up on my blog that was very flattering. Thank you!

    By the way I got the stain out of my skirt!  I will write when we get back!  

    Wednesday, July 14, 2004

    Life Update - Thunder and other Randomness

    This week has been pretty good. It is going fast for me. I know I still have quite a bit to do tomorrow too.

    Tuesday morning I was sleeping soundly on my side when Master woke me up pinning my arms down and then slapping and punching my breasts. Nice way to wake up huh? It was for me. He then just started randomly punching me every where. My bottom is still hurting from Monday so when he punched that I really was wiggling around…that love/hate thing going on. Where I really did not want to get away, but damn that hurt!

    I think His sadism just went up several levels in anticipation of Thunder in the Mountains. We are both looking forward to it a lot. If anyone reading, is going please leave me a message or email and maybe we can be on the look out for each other and meet.

    There of course are lots of classes I want to go to at Thunder. Just a few topics being discussed:

    The Mind is the Best (W)hole to Fuck: Mindfuck, Erotic Terrorism, and SM
    The Gentle Art of Kicking, Punching, and Takedowns
    Where You Go, I Will Follow: The Central Role of Obedience in Master/slave Relationships
    Primal Play: Releasing the Beast Within
    Covert Public Play--How to Play in Public and Not Get Caught
    Life & Death Planning Issues for Alternative Relationships
    plus a whole lot more.

    There is one time slot where every class is one I would like to see. And then the next time slot of course does not have anything really that I am thrilled about. I guess that is how it always is at these types of things.

    I am getting a little nervous and self-conscious already about what Master wants me to wear to the dungeon on Saturday night, as it is not much of anything. But oddly enough, I will be wearing thigh highs instead of pantyhose, which Master prefers. Master bought me this top that is very contour and tight. It has hook and eyes up the front and seams that look like boning but it is all done with material and stitching. It has a little belt thing around the waist and then straps that match the belt thing. So I am wearing that and then black satin panties, black thigh highs and high heels….that is all. And it is all clingy and tight and every exposing. Which are all the reasons He loves it and I hate it.

    Other random stuff….

    On Sunday, I do not know what the person was looking for exactly, but I must have come up on their search a lot. My referral page was showing someone visited my site about 7 times via a google search of –“ ‘my master’ degrade slave obey humiliate.”

    Tomorrow I will try to post why and when I started having fantasies about being bald. I was chatting with a friend via email the last few days and it made me realize I should tell that little story. Of course, because it was on my mind lately I made that the theme for my adult porn picture list.

    Speaking of baldness makes me think of Master told me months ago that for Thunder I could dye my hair purple. I was excited, but then another event was planned for the weekend after Thunder and that is Master’s sister is getting married. So, my purple hair in pictures and such will not be a hit. So, I did not get too. But I also understood why I could not.

    Well I have a few things I want to do before I head to bed tonight, but I wanted to get a quick post in. I will post tomorrow and then after that you will not hear from me again until late Monday or sometimes on Tuesday as we leave for Thunder on Friday morning and will come back on Monday. But we will only be home for a few days and then off again for Master’s sisters wedding.

    It is just after 11pm and I feel like I am bouncing off the walls!

    Ink Stain on a Favorite Skirt!?!

    I have a skirt that I got black ballpoint pen ink on. The skirt is fuchsia . It is just a line of more then 1/2 inch. The skirt is made of 97% cotton, 3% spandex. It is almost feels like a cotton twill. It is one of my favorite summertime skirts.

    Does anyone have some tips on getting it out? I have not even tried yet. My usual way of getting stains out is putting lots of tide on it and letting it sit for a bit and then washing it. But that is usually just with food stains and that always works for those at least for me.

    I want to wear my skirt this weekend on our way to Thunder in the am hoping to get some ideas how to remove the ink.

    Thanks everyone!

    music: Dave Matthews Band
    mood: busy getting ready for thunder

    Monday, July 12, 2004

    So how do I go from being upset to His slut?

    I wonder why I can go through such mixed feelings within such a short period.

    Last night Master and I had a disagreement that did not go so well. And so I was having some residual feelings left over from it this morning. So, I wrote this morning offline about them because I just needed to get them out. That is common for me – I will write it – vent – get it out of my head and it is done. I just need to express it and once I have I feel everything is done and okay. But there was one thing still kind of bothering me. And I knew it would just take time.

    Well I did not have time….

    Master did something that normally would make this slave all hot and bothered, but with today’s mindset, it was hard to take. Master had a bad day and needed to get some aggression out. He called and told me to be ready. As I sit here right now, my ass has a slight sting and it feels like there should be bruises but it is highly doubtful there is – since my ass does not bruise easily. I accepted it but it was hard on me. I kept having all sorts of thoughts in my head that I wished were not there. And wished it could have been something that I got hot and bothered by instead of me bent over the bed with my mind racing and tears streaming down my face. After it was done, Master felt better. I was just feeling small and like I wanted to escape for a little bit. And I am thankful He stayed with me. We spooned on the bed and after a little silence we talked.

    Soon there after I had a leather hood on and Master was punching my tits with one hand and holding one wrist above my head. I stroked His cock with the other hand. His hand moved to my cunt and I started to hump His hand like an animal. Not too long of me humping, He got me in position to fuck. It was that fucking that is very primal. At least it was for me. I think I get that way easier with the hood on. We both orgasmed and then laid in bed spooning for a few minutes before He took the hood off me.

    It was a great way to start the evening….

    So how do I go from being upset to being His slut? I think it is Master does to me. It just gets my mind twisted around….I guess though it does remind me who I am to Him. I am His property to discipline. Or I am His to use for His aggression, desire, or anything.

    Sunday, July 11, 2004

    We just went to see Fahrenheit 9/11 ....

    I like Michael Moore at times. I go through period of thinking he has pushed to far.

    But extraordinary experience to sit through. And why I did not think I would need kleenex...the girl who cry at some beyond me.

    If you go and don't even listen to what Michael Moore says and just listen to the news/film clips of Bush and all other officials, that is important. I was appalled at things that come out of Bush's mouth. In my opnion just based on the things he has said he should not be president.

    Then as Master told me...if you believe only 1/8 of what Michael Moore says just 1/8 Bush should not be President.

    Or even if you just go an listen to the real people who he talks to who were affected by the war. The soliders, the families who have family members there fighting. That alone also was just so impactful.

    It was an amazing expierence. And I am very glad I went to see it.

    Friday, July 09, 2004

    A Dream - SM and more! Oh My!

    I have a love hate relationship with my fantasies and dreams. As I wrote not too long ago, I am having vivid dreams. I am also having vivid fantasies while masturbating too. But for now I am going to talk about a dream I had 2 weekends ago. It has been lingering about and also I told annissa I would write about it because she was in it.

    I had a dream that Master and I were at Thunder. We had lots of real life friends there - Jackie, a couple people she is close to who I know, DM and her boy, Grumbler and wench and some friends from Cleveland. I also had a few online friends there....annissa and her Master were there. I remember talking about the rest of her clan, but for some reason they were not there. And then also a few people I know on livejournal and the web.

    When I dream it is like little clips - a slice of sensations and visions. I see and feel. And then it jumps to something new, but they are all kind of linked. So in one slice Master and I are sitting talking with the group of friends at dinner. It jumps from one image to the next. From one sensation to another. Some of us move to a suite type room. We have various forms of play going on. Grumbler doing needles on wench...and she is floating away. Jackie beating a pretty slut who is going between moans and begging for mercy. Annissa is being tortured by her Master. He has a cane that is biting into her ass making the most delicious welts...and even raising blood to the surface. A few other friends doing various wonderfully wicked things such as a flogging and waxing. Master sits on the couch and lays me over His lap and beings playing His drums. Well that is what it feels like. Master was a drummer so He always had rhythm to His spankings. He spanks me until I am humping into Him moaning. He calls me His dirty girl.

    Jump the next clips....

    It is another feels like that at least. Most of the submissives are in a room with me. They are helping me get ready for an important night for me. Have you ever seen those movies with harems and one girl is being prepared by the others girls...where she is getting ready to go see the Master? That is how it seems in the dream. A big bath with lots of oils...being washed by several girls...Jackie, wench, annissa, and a few others. We are laughing and kind of playing in the water. We are having fun - giggling and talking. Jackie shaves my cunt. She comments on how wet I am....I blush. She laughs. She loves sluts. --- It moves forward --- The next images are of the girls helping me into a corset. It is black satin. Master loves satin. I end up wearing shiny panty hose, corset, and black high heels. I am covered with a black and deep plum ornate silk robe. The last things put on me are a deep purple and black posture collar that Master bought for our 1 year anniversary and matching cuffs....that Jackie and another friend gave us as a gift for our anniversary. My service chains are attached.

    Next slice....

    Master comes to the room and everyone leaves. It is He and I....He talks to me softly. He quiets my shaky nerves. They are rising. They are becoming out of control and He quiets them. I look at Him and know that whatever is to come is His will.

    Next slice....These images were a whirlwind...they happened fast...the sensations flood over me.

    In the dungeon, we watch various scenes before Master hoods me. It helps calm me and put everyone out of my mind. He pulls my tits out of my corset and plays with them squeezing them and finally punching them like they are His punching bag. He stands me up and I feel rope being tied on to my body. It is a harness...digging into my cunt and around body. I am moved to a chair and tied to the chair with a vibrator nestled up close to my still covered cunt. Making the seam of the pantyhose vibrate against my clit. He plays with my tits some more. The bondage makes me feel helpless and serene at the same time. I am moaning.

    Next slice….

    He takes the hood off. There is a table sitting next to the chair I am tied to....and all my friends are gathered around. Master sits on a chair in front of me. He talks slowly, clearly and quietly. All the words come to me clearly. I comprehend them. I hear them. I know them. But my eyes grow wide with panic....He holds my hand while He talks. He tells me that He owns me and that He is taking something away from that I have hung onto. He tells me what it is...and asks me if I understood. I nod and then say, "yes Master."

    He leans over, kisses me and then stands, and turns to our friends. He says some words - formal but a blur to His slave. They are full of meaning of the ceremony that is about to take place. It is is is surrender....

    Friends are close...smiling, giving me energy to get through be strong and surrender...mentally....because physically I would not matter what I feel inside.

    He picks the clippers off the table....and shaves my hair off.

    After He is done....He unties me and stands me up. Jackie and wench come to my sides and start taking my clothes off....I look to Master. And look down. I ignore the hair on the ground around the chair. And with the clothes on I did not feel so vulnerable....I could almost ignore what He did to me.

    All the clothes come cuffs and service set is re-attached. And Master bring me to Him kisses me on my bald head. He then kisses me deeply. And tells me how much he loves me. He looks to our friends and they start coming up and hugging me and congratulating me for this step.

    I am naked and exposed. I am owned.

    So there is one of the dreams I have had recently. See what I mean about love hate relationship. I don't want my head shaved! But it turns me on!

    Thursday, July 08, 2004

    Dinner Last Night

    Dinner Last night was mini italian meatloaves, white beans with tomatoes, and green beans.

    I love green beans so you will see a lot of them when I plan a meal.

    The mini meatloaves were a new creation because we are watching what we eat.

    Ground Turkey
    Puree/Chopped Red, yellow and green Peppers
    Tomato Paste
    Italian Seasoning
    Parm Cheese

    ***what was left out that I would have liked to add is oatmeal - I know sounds strange but it bulk it up and gives it a good texture. If you soak the oatmeal in a little hot water before hand it really makes the meat loaf moist and then that eliminates an egg that most people put into the loaf.I did not use an egg as I used paste and also when I grind the peppers up it makes some moisture for the loaves to stick also.

    So all the ingredients were mixed together and pressed into the mini meat loaf pans (I have used muffin tins for these before but now I have mini loaf pans) and then I mixed a little of the paste up with some parm and spread it on top of the meat loaves. Baked for about 30 mins.

    I then drained a can of great northern beans, chopped up some onion and got a handful of cherry tomatoes. I put a little olive oil into a saute pan and then threw all that into the pan and added some basil and garlic. I sauteed that until the onions were done and tomatoes were starting to break open.

    And so that plus the green beans was dinner.

    ps: I have had a few people comment to me about the dinner posts - a few of us on livejournal are posting it so that we can get ideas from each other on what to make. So that is why all of sudden I have started posting menus. It has been really cool. I have saved ideas and drooled over some (the brushetta especially).

    Wednesday, July 07, 2004

    Feelings & Thoughts about the Extreme Post

    I have a few people ask about a recent post....about how felt after that extreme experience or how I view it in general…

    I am going to start with how I view it….

    It was consensual. I titled it use and abuse, but please hear the word consensual use and abuse. I knew what he was into and that he was an extremely sadistic man. I knew that I would hurt and suffer. He was strict and harsh, but at the same time a nice and caring man. I know that it does not sound like it from that post, but he did things in his own way that often later I would look back at and see how it was his way of showing me he cared.

    Such as after that scene he called me several times that evening. He was harsh in his words, but he was asking me question to figure out my mindset and how I was handling things. He still treated me like an it by humiliating me, but honestly he wanted to play with his toy again. So he called as he knew that it was hard and I would most likely crash.  He was helping me through it. It is not in a manner most Tops would give aftercare. But I am so thankful as I just don't like aftercare. But he was checking to make sure his toy was alive and letting me know his own way that he cared, but he kept me positively knowing where my place was with him. I never felt loved or adored and that was nice at that time.

    Back on topic, I don’t view it as a bad time in my life. Actually quite the opposite….he was a good learning experience. He pushed me. He was extremely good at breaking me down into a mindset and making me feel the things I needed to feel. I was craving to be totally stripped and bared exposed and vulnerable. I do not view it as unhealthy. But I do think it depends on the mindset and the situation.

    I wanted to be stripped down to be able to release all the layers I put on because society tells me this is what a woman should be. I also had a lot going on emotionally at the time in my life so as he stripped me to the core it was a release. I needed the release. I needed be stripped down.

    He was able to strip everything away and leave me very exposed and vulnerable, but it was a good thing to me to let go. It was very cleansing. It was hard. It hurt, I was scared, and I suffered. But I was able to suffer – and through that let go of so much.

    What he did to me makes me hot, but also leaves me cold at times too…because I was scared. But I needed that time with him. I am not sure I could do that long term. I know with Don – who I had a lot of extreme experiences with - things got to a point where I did not know up and down he had my world so turned around. But yet again, I still crave what he did to me too. I like the brutality that these men unleashed on me. I am thankful they allow me to be a tool to use.

    Happy Anniversary

    I want to wish two of my good friends a Happy Anniversary.

    Happy Anniversary Grumbler and wench

    They have been a M/s couple for 5 years!

    Tuesday, July 06, 2004

    Dinner Tonight/Horoscope

    Dinner Tonight...
    Mock Chicken Cordon Blue
    Green Beans

    Mock Chicken Cordon Blue because I am not making the way I usually do - usually I pound it thin and then put a piece of ham on it and then a piece of cheese and roll it up stick a little skewer in it and then roll it in an egg and then herb bread crumbs - saute a little bit and then bake. But tonight I am not sure if I will pound and roll up....and I am not using the bread crumbs at all. This time it is going to have to be coated with maybe some parmesan cheese and herbs and not sure if I will roll them up or just put ham and swiss cheese on top the last 5 minutes - have not decided yet)

    Libra - Your Horoscope for July 5 - 11

    This week you'll seesaw between optimism and impatience, between faith that everything is working out and a restless desire to take immediate action. Philosophical discussions are apt to become heated. Avoid pompousness, arrogance, and intolerance. You will neither win freedom nor influence people that way! Proselytizing or self promotion can lead to estrangement now. A lack of caution and overenthusiasm are pitfalls for you this week. This can also be a time of leaving, separating from friends, and choosing a new way.

    This horoscope provided by Astrology Source.
    Learn about your inner self, friends, and lovers.

    Monday, July 05, 2004

    Mini Rant - Train Wreck Relationships

    Do you ever see those couples in the BDSM world that are just like a train wreck waiting to happen? There is one list I go every once in a while, almost everyone one of them are like that. I feel sorry for them that they are going to get hurt. But I also get irritated because you see that many of them just keeping doing the same pattern over and over again and so they are going to get the same results and why they don't see that I don't know.

    I just don't understand how they can rush into big relationship testing things without building a foundation first. They float from one drama and problem to the next. Not seeming to learn from the last relationship or even the last problem in their current train wreck.

    Saturday, July 03, 2004

    Clinton & Power

    Mistress Matisse shakes hands with former President Clinton

    I just told Master the other night that Clinton was my favorite president. I think it is great that Matisse got to shake his hand. I really like what she has to say about meeting go check it out. I know that he would not be coming to our town....too small I am sure.

    In the comments of that entry someone talked about that on 60 mniutes Clinton was asked why he had the affair - and he said, "because I could." It was a non-answer. But to me when I read it....I was wishing I could have heard the tone. Because when I ask Master why he does something to me that I think is mean (meaning sadistic), He says, "Because I can." And it always makes me do that little internal wiggle. He has power over me. Yum!

    Friday morning I had a conversation with Ray. We were talking about Master's political blog and I said that many of Master's posts on that blog make me wet even though they are about serious intense issues. That sounds bad when you are reading something that is so serious and not to good of news. But they do make me wet because they are so intelligent and powerful. Men with power and intelligence just make me wet.

    To end this entry....since talking about the Clinton a little....thought I would end with this image...about Bush....

    Click on the image to go the place that sells the t-shirt....

    Also if you can't read the print on it - "Bush used to be such a pretty word."

    Thursday, July 01, 2004


    When I was a little girl, we had a dog that my parents ended up giving away because they felt we just did not have the time to care properly for a pet. They were probably right, but I liked having a dog. As I grew up and became more and more girly girl. I did not like dogs because of all the slobber, them sniffing and jumping up. And then I found out I was allergic to most animals, but cats were worse then dogs for me.

    When Jim and I bought a house, we got a dog. He was a big dog lover. We went to the shelter one-day and came home with a dog that I totally fell in love with the moment I saw her. She licked and slobbered all over me and I did not care. She urinated on me in the car and I did not care. She was so cute and such unconditional love. Anyway, I became a dog lover...I loved all dogs. I would see someone with one and ask them all about his or her dog. I was the annoying person who talked about their dog like it was their child and in a way I am sure she was...just that.

    When I left, I left her with my ex as he loved her just as much as I did...and I knew it would be better for her.

    So all that time I was not a big cat lover....I thought they were too independent and kind of sneaky. I couldn't understand how they even made good pets.

    Now to present...

    I think you fall in love with the things your partner loves. Master has 2 cats. He is a big cat lover. The cats are his babies and so now they are my babies too.

    I love the kitty cats lots! When they are sick, I feel for them. When they are feeling frisky, I play with them. I talk to them, take care of them, and I love them.

    Today they were lying in one of their beds and they were so cute that I got the digital camera out and snapped a few pictures.

    Used and Abused

    This entry is something that I experienced in my real life. It is in the past before I became Master’s property.

    It is one of the many vivid dreams from late, but again it was a real life encounter and extreme.

    It contains slapping, hitting, kicking, punching, electricity and more.

    We chit chatted over coffee (yes I drank a coffee although I hate it). It was a stiff conversation, but familiar to me. He always made me a little nervous, as I knew what would be coming after coffee.

    Pain. Torture. Suffering.

    He went to his house....I climbed the stairs to the room that would be the place of my pain, suffering and fear.

    He had me take my clothes off. That pit of terror grew in my stomach. I knew I would suffer. It would not be pain that a masochist enjoys. It would not be pain a painslut enjoys. It would be suffering. It would be abuse, use and pushed to the edge.

    He grabbed me by the hair and threw me to the floor...

    He kicked me...each kick powerful enough to move my body along the floor. He grabbed me by my hair pulling me to my feet and backhanded me. Not as slap....I was backhanded so hard that I fell into a cabinet behind me. I felt the corner of the cabinet stab into me. I knew it would leave the only bruise that was not from him. He slapped me over and over. He spewed words of humiliation...words flooding me…so that my mind was screaming at me and the layers were breaking away to leave me exposed. His words that told me I was nothing. He words were breaking me down.

    Tears started welling up from the force of each blow. My mind screamed run. My mind screamed no. My mind screamed of all the things that say you are in danger. Fear was flooding through me. But I stayed.

    He knew all the things going on in my little brain. He said, “scream...try to can't get away. You know it will just get worse when I catch you, you piece of shit.”

    He pushed me to the floor. Kicking me to herd me where he wanted me. I crawled to the mattress on the floor. He shouted commands. I did one and the next would come. "Kneel on it - hands behind head - don't move.”

    I heard it before I felt it...the whistle of the whip.

    The long tail striking at my skin repeatedly. Digging into my flesh. Slicing into my flesh. Marking my flesh with slashes, welts and blood.

    The pain from all the previous abuse mixed with the whip put me in  a place where I couldn't process. I moved. Before I knew it, my head was being yanked back by my hair and his arm was around my neck....cutting off my air.

    “You are a worthless cunt who can't even stay still for a little whip. This is light compared to what I will be doing to you.”

    He let go and started punching me like I was a punching bags. The tears flowed....I could not stop them. They were not just tears – I was crying hard. There were words coming from me that I was not even aware that were coming out of my mouth…I was begging him to stop. He laughed.

    He told me what a waste I was....I was meat to be abused. I was meat to suffer for him. He slapped me. He hit me with his fists. I shrunk away and he laughed at me. But he kept on. It seemed like I was going to break apart with each blow to my body. I am not sure how long it went on, but he kept up with verbally abusing me reminding me I was a worthless piece of shit for him to abuse.

    Finally he said, "beg for it." He told me to spread my legs open wide and beg him to kick my "stretched out whore cunt." I shook my head no. He hit me harder. I got down, spread my legs, and begged him to kick my cunt....

    The pain shot through my cunt and up through my body. I screamed and more tears came. He told me to get on my hands and knees. He told me my cunt showed him how much I needed to be abused. I was so wet it was dripping down my legs. He had me push my head to the mattress, thrust my ass up and open legs wide. I heard him behind me. I thought he was going to kick me. Afterwards that is what I would beg for instead of what he did....I would have given anything for him to have just kicked me again. But instead it hit me...

    The pain was not like any I had ever felt before. It sent me flying forward and screaming. Electricity zapped my wet cunt. I cried, I tried to turn around to see what he was doing to me, but he yelled at me to get in position again. I knew turning around would send me running for the door - naked, batter, bruised, and abused. I stayed laying on the floor begged, “no please please.” He laughed and again told me to get in position. I slowly backed my way into position. My brain was screaming run away, but I knew he would catch me.  So I got in to position and it came again. I cried harder because it hurt so much. So much pain. I was scared and suffering from the sadism he was inflicting. My brain kicks in wondering why is this happening to me. Why was allowing this man to do this to me. I was feeling pain so intense. Pain to a level I have never felt before. I didn't know what to do or how process it so I just submitted to him.

    He flips me over, holds my head back so I can't see...he presses it to my stomach. The pain is bad, but not like my wet cunt. He does it a few more time and not happy that it is not making me suffer as much. He then tells me he is going to be nice and give me a choice. I can do 2 more zaps plus 3 kicks or I can do 5 zaps. I will have to beg and ask for each one.

    I beg to stop please. He tells me no. He proceeds to tell that today was light and that I got off easy. I look at him. I see his enjoyment in his eyes. He likes that I am suffering and I also see in his eyes that today was light. I am thankful and so grateful to him in that moment. I shake my head agreement. I thank him for being light. The words in my brain are screaming between submitting to anything he wants and running.

    I pick the zaps and kicks. I just am not sure I can take the zaps again. I feel light headed from the pain. My body aches deep pain. I beg for the shock. It hits. I start to cry hard again. The kind of crying makes you want to curl up and just keep crying. I am crying and screaming from the pain of the shock. He tells me to get back in position as it makes me jerk forward and curl up again. I beg for the next shock. I do the same thing again for a moment before getting in position for the kicks. I beg to be kicked. First one hits my already bruised flesh. I beg for the second, "Sir, please kick my cunt." It comes harder then the last. I scream and automatically bring my legs together in pain. He laughs at me and say something about me always opening my legs to him because my cunt needs the abuse. I open them and beg for the third. “please kick my cunt.” The third knocking forward and collapsing into the bed. I lay crying huddled in a fetal position.

    He come and pushes me up....on my knees again so that my ass is in the air. He sticks his fingers in my cunt and then into my ass. And then I feel his hard cock outside of my anus. I try to move forward. I am in such pain. I don't want to have sex. I don't want to feel my ass being stretched. He yanks me back and pushes in fast.I scream and try to move forward and he grabs my hair with one hand and other hand firmly on one hip - fingers digging in with each thrust. I cry...more tears...more pain.  He fucks my ass. He cums, pulls out, and peels the condom off. He tells me to get dressed. I hear him, but everything feels like it is slow motion. I have problems getting my clothes on. He is doing things around the room. I start to cry more. He laughs at me.Tells me to finish dressing. Telling me I am a piece of shit. He kicks me to hurry to finish getting dressed and has me crawl to the door kicking me.

    I leave and as soon as I walk out the door  I am thinking about what will happen the next time. Yes, there was a next time. I went back for more.

    Quote - Margaret Cho

    "I urge you all today, especially today during these times of chaos and war, to love yourself without reservations and to love each other without restraint. Unless you're into leather. And then, by all means, use restraints." - Margaret Cho

    Music: Yo-Yo Ma
    Mood: Awake
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