Sunday, July 29, 2001

Purple nipple ring

I am up because I cannot too much pain with my monthly cycle. :(

After being at a BDSM group, about 15 of us got together after. It was nice. I then came home and went to bed.

I had not been to the group in a long time because of being in Europe and then work being so busy. Kam and JJ went with me. It was good to have them both there.

Tonight I was part of the evening, as I was asked to be a part of the submissive panel 6 submissives were on the panel and each gave a 5 minute talk and then afterwards people could ask us questions.

I did mine on basically finding that one.

First you need self esteem. I got this quote from "The buck stops with you. You are the only one who can determine your self-worth. The way you see yourself and the way others see you which in turns affects you. We all want acceptance, crave company and recognition. You can change your self-esteem by changing the way you think about you. You deserve self-esteem. You need self-esteem. Self-esteem is power. Only you can build it and it comes from first accepting you are responsible for you. No matter what has happened, no matter what has been done, no matter what has been said. You have the will power within you to accept, forgive, change and move on. You deserve the peace of mind. "

Know who you are and then seek it.

It's much the same as trying to find a compatible boyfriend or girlfriend, but with the added criterion that the person must be scene-compatible with you as well. Take your time and be a little choosy.

I talked about things that turn me off right talking about sex right away - asking for nude pictures. I want the person to approach me being real. If they cannot talk to me as they would in real life - meeting me for the first time then don't talk to me.

I forgot this part.....I wanted to talk about like attracts like. Remember that scene from the first of the "Rocky" movies when he walks the young girl home trying to explain to her if you hang with deadbeats you become a deadbeat, hang with idiots you become an idiot, hang with criminals you become a criminal etc...well in my experience that is pretty close to the mark. Like attracts like. And it is hard to move on because you won't have the strength to drag them with you when you make the decision to change. You have to need it. You have to take the risk.

So for me to attract what I need I need to start being with those that are like me. Real people.

Compatibility is the key to making a relationship work. And to me if the only thing you can talk about is D/s it is not good. If the only thing you have in common is D/s that will not keep the relationship together.

So I like to talk with people about real every day things books, movies, basic beliefs, and values such as loyalty - religion/God - children.

I was recently talking to a Dominant and I decided we did not have anything in common besides D/s and that he did not like to talk about anything but D/s and it was time to say good bye. He got further then some do because it seemed his basic beliefs in D/s were the same as mine. But after talking to someone I trust completely - who knew who he was - I realized that was not true. So I said good bye and he would not take good bye as an answer. He asked why I told him I did not feel that we had anything in common besides D/s and that I real every day life does not consist of just D/s. Yes, D/s to me can be in my life 24/7 but we do things that every vanilla person does....we enjoy books and movies and leisure activities and I want someone to enjoy those things with. He came back that he wanted to keep talking to me that he felt we had lots of things in common and I said no that I just did not think it was true. So he said let me ask you one question and I said okay fine one question and he said what is your favorite color. I said black and then purple. He asked me why I liked purple I said because as a little girl it always made me feel good. He said, "Well then good I have always wanted a slave whose nipple I could pierce and I will do that to you and you will wear a purple nipple ring so you can always feel good." I just started laughing as here he had brought it back into the sexual - D/s realm again.

People in this group do not get me. That is okay. I just have very different strong opinion on D/s for me.

One of the girl's who I am friends with on the panel did her talk on the submissive being responsible for her safety. I agree with that statement to a point. :) I mean we can go back to the doctor thing with me. I do not like doctors - I have needed to go to one for a very long time. It would have been nice if the Dominants I was with would have made it safe and taught me how to go to the Doctors without being so scared. On this issue I do not know how to be make it safe for me so the one who is in charge of me needs to take that responsibility - my opinion of course. But her and I got into it on the panel lol One of the examples she used was that the submissive is ALWAYS able to walk away. If things are not going good or not safe for her she can walk away - ask for release - leave - what not. And in the relationship I seek. I do not want that right. What I could not get across to her not having that right is safe to me. She said so what if things are not working. I said I would tell him I think this relationship sucks and you suck or whatever lol And I would express my opinion and after hearing and such he said you are staying then I would stay. She said then I was staying I was not being safe and not being responsible for my safety. What I could not get across to her is that is safe for ME. Not being able to leave without permission is safe. What really got her when we talked later - when she was talking with Kam and debating it - was when I said that the Master I ultimately give myself to will have the right to kill me if he wishes. I want him to own me....I want to have life for him and death for him. That is where people just look at me as though I have become an alien and am out of mind. What they do not get is I will know that person so well that I would give him that knowing he is going to want to keep this submissive around a long time to serve him, but ultimately if he decided he did not want me down the road he would have the right to sell me, release me or kill me. Scary huh....yes it is.

But that is the level of trust and submission I want.

Friday, July 27, 2001



I know that I do not want to be alone. Am I able to be alone? Yes. In December I realized how dependent I was on Kam. And so I worked to change it. I still depend on him but not in the same sense. If he were to walk out today, yes, I would have problems paying rent on this apartment but I would be able to do the things necessary to stand on my own without him.

I am not rushing into anything with relationships. JJ is a good example. I am taking things sooo slow with her. I am talking to Dominants that seem like the type of men SO FAR that I would like as my owner. But I am not committing to any one of them. Just getting to know them. If I just were to turn around tomorrow and announce I am going to such and such because I believe my Master is there....what is wrong with that exactly? Am I running from anything? No. Am I searching for what my heart desires? Yes.

Yes, things from my past are still creeping into my present but that does not mean to me that I need to stop and put everything on hold to heal from it. Time heal all wounds. Love is not a wound. It never will be healed. It just is. So if it just is....then I am going to open up and just be again.

I spent 33 years holding back...putting others needs and wants before mine. Now, I guess I am finely able to allow myself to say I WANT THIS and I am trying to go after it.


Thursday, July 26, 2001


Let's see - been thinking lots. My mind feels very clear. Which seems weird as I just started my period today and have been pmsing and not doing good during it all. I have been really sick. So it surprises me my mind feels so clear.

Once a year for sure I know I go through this.....a really bad period where I have way to much progesterone or estrogen - I never remember which one. But I break skin is hyper sensitive. I throw up daily. I get a migraine almost daily. And I am going to have killer cramps. Those should hit tomorrow. yeah yeah joy joy lol

Mistress DM was talking to me the other morning about that she felt I was doing the same thing I always have and not changing my patterns. As soon as she said that I was trying to figure out what she meant. As I never remember discussing changing my patterns with her. I feel there are things I am adding to the foundation I have to create a stronger danae but I am not doing any remodeling so to speak lol Anyway, I do not think I need to change really just add to what I have. I think their are patterns of behavior I need to work through but most of those most people do not even know are there.

I would venture a guess that there are a few people out there that feel I have been looking for HIM..that one Dominant for a long time. After I came back from Tennessee in June of 2000. I talked to a Dominant online that I really never thought as real...which is so strange as I am talking to him now again. And he is real I know he is. He is extreme and reminds me of Don at times. I can hear the moans on that one. lol And the other Dominant I talked with was the one that would have taken me away and never to be heard from again. I stopped talking with them about a month after starting conversations with them. And then I stopped looking. I never signed on that name. I did not check the email for 3 months. And when I did then I just deleted most of it. I stopped looking for HIM. I started working on me. It was a slow start and then just wow one morning I woke and knew what i needed to do. And then a few weeks past and I was happy. It was literally that fast. I was not looking for HIM. Not even thinking of him or D/s really. I just was living. I then started talking to Sir more and that night we played started and some feeling that had been there but kind of put on the back burner started to feel hot again lol

So I played with Sir. Submission started growing in me - the need for it and before I left for Germany I knew I wanted a Master. And I wanted HIM the one. While in Germany I got Todd's email. And it was right about the time I was journaling about what I wanted and most of it was dealing with love and to be accepted. And he writes. And he seems to be different then the rest. Seems to want to know the real danae - all of her not just the part that wants extreme play.

Now after being with Todd and learning even more what I seek...

I want to find HIM. And what is wrong with that?

I feel I guess that I have so many people telling me I need to wait that I still have feelings for Todd well hell I still have feelings for Jim does that mean I put my life on hold forever? I have feelings and love for Morgan still and she has been gone for 14 years.

ugggghhhh *sigh*

I want a Master. I feel I know what I am looking for in that Master. Those that I am talking to seem to have some of those qualities and I am still talking to them to find out if the rest are there.

I need to find what makes me happy. And my next step is being owned by a Master.


Tuesday, July 24, 2001

Danae Relates to Other People

How Danae Relates to Other People

Sun SemiSquare Venus with an orb of less than 1 degree

Your love nature is very turbulent. You form relationships
impulsively and then worry it's with the wrong person. There
seems to be a dichotomy between the person you know yourself to
be and the person you feel you should be in order to be valued
and loved.

Venus Quintile Neptune with an orb of less than 1 degree

However cool or cynical you may appear to be externally,
you are extraordinarily sensitive and romantic. You are gentle
and artistic and would rather do without a relationship than be
part of one which does not measure up to your highest ideals of

Mars Conjunct Asc. with an orb between 3 and 5 degrees

You have a tremendous amount of energy and, in a
relationship, are happiest when you and your partner are
actively participating in something together. You tend to be
quite competitive and can even be somewhat combative. You should
always avoid the timid.

Sun Sextile Mars with an orb between 1 and 5 degrees

You are assertive without being overly aggressive and
usually go after what you want with confidence and enthusiasm.
You enjoy sex and your partners tend to be dynamic, successful
people. Your natural energy and moxie is usually sexually
interesting to others.

Mercury Sextile Pluto with an orb between 1 and 5 degrees

You are extremely persuasive and, perhaps, skilled at
manipulating others to share your views. Your intuition is
powerful and the research skills which may help you
professionally also manifest in your private life. You know
everyone's deepest secrets.

Well does that sound like me????


bouncing around

I woke up. This time there did not seem to be a nightmare. I sometimes wake up and do not remember the nightmare but feel it lingering with me still. This morning I woke up at the usual time of 3:48 and did not feel the nightmare. And my first instinct this morning was I wish I had SM's arms around me to help me get back to sleep.

So bouncing around.....wondering.....



Monday, July 23, 2001

tired tonight

Well, lets see....

Today was my day off and I needed it. I wrote a letter to Aydeen. It was a hard letter. But I had to tell her. I was missing someone, but this afternoon we had a really great conversation. Watched Autumn in New York today. Sad movie. It is funny the song Goodnight sounds different tonight.....

I am really t and it feels like I am going to be able to sleep tonight. I am hoping.

I realized with Di's help.....that today was 2 months ago that lots of things went on with Todd - I was punished for the first time, he met Di, showed him and Di my art, and we spent the night together. The song I want to be in love is playing right now and I am smiling at good memories right at this moment. That is a good thing.

Skipping around because of course I am tried. A view a few Dominants have had with me is that "you are responsible for it so.." going to the doctor. I am sure many people wonder why I did not go. I have a fear of Doctors. And JJ came along and would not take no for an answer. It is caring issue to me - you care enough to help me. I talked with a Dominant that told me that there are some things he does feel is the submissive responsibilities but first the Dom has to teach the submissive how to do it. He said if I have a fear of doctors it would be his job to teach me how to get past that fear or guide me to make it a safe journey for me. Without the tools he says it is like setting the submissive up to fail. And on an issue like health he could see why I got the messages - internal messages - that - a person not helping me does not care for me.

Kam does a lot of the Daddy things still even though I have not felt the need for a Daddy but when I turn around and look at the things he does I guess it is obvious I still do. I know some of those things he has problems doing with just because he is tired or stressed but basically he says I have to take care of her. I wonder what will happen when I leave......

Someone messaged me tonight saying that my yahoo profile showed him that I was "begging to be Dominated." Interesting words.....begging to be Dominated. The last few days I have craved Dominance. I have craved pain. I have craved to feel that deeply submissive mindset where I lose all rational thinking. Where the ability to break me down into mush is very easy.

Well, I am almost falling a sleep at the keyboard so time for bed.....




Today was a busy day.

I left the house at 8am...after waking up with countless nightmares. Some so real and vivid I had to walk around the apartment to make sure I was really in the apartment since the nightmares took place in other places.

Anyway I had some work to finish up so Kam came with me, and then he and I went to breakfast. We talked at breakfast a lot about things in the past and his views on them. But I am still not "capable" of seeing it the way he sees it. We then ended up talking about a time with Todd. One morning Todd and I left each other after spending the night together and he told me the next time to be bringing him my art. Now anyone that is close to me knows I do not show my art to anyone. It is a fear. Fear.......just thinking of Todd's views on Fear and I understand why he made me do it - show my art.......more then one reason. Anyway, the next time I was seeing him was for lunch I think 2 days later. In between that time seeing him and that lunch - I had got myself in trouble. And so I was seeing him to get punished and soooo my mind was not on my art. But also part of me knows that subconsciously I forgot it because I like to forget about it - that it is part of me. I don't but I do, hard to explain. I look at the sketches and feel things and see things no one else probably sees but me. Todd did though. Di saw that too he saw it too. Sh*t....pms is not fun.

Anyway that night we - Todd and I - were meeting Di; it was the first time she was meeting him. And he told me that I would bring my art and now show Di too - at TGIF. And I panicked. He knew I did. He saw the walls go up. I tried to keep them down...I did. I beat up on myself for putting them up. I was trying hard to not have those walls with him. I wanted to be very exposed to him. Because I wanted to be complete with him.

Anyway I brought it that night. We ate and laughed and had a nice evening and then he said he was going to get my art and so we could talk about him but I instantly felt sick and begged him not do this. He did not back down. I went to the bathroom to get sick. And he went to the car. When I got back he was back with the art.

I cannot talk about this anymore. The rest is too personal for me. Strange huh? There were moments that night too special to explain. Moments in time that stood still. The look on his face...his touch as he held my hand telling me in that gesture you are going to be okay I am here.

So Kam and I talked about that. Kam of course thought it was a big risk making me do that. But I said it ended up okay. And it did.

After brunch/lunch with Kam, I went and met Di at the mall to shop. My mind was not all there as I was sooo tired from not sleeping last night. So then we were going to have drink and I was going to show her pictures from a party I went to last month. We went to the TGIF where Di had met Todd and I had to show my art. So it seemed to be up on the surface ALL day. We talked about that night. She liked watching him and I. The interaction between us...during that time.

Di had not met JJ yet and so we called her to have her come join her as I knew she must be needing to escape after having her family at her house all day lol And so JJ came up and met Di :) Di had to leave and get home to her JJ and I then hung out there. I was out of it a little with her too. Just one of those days I guess. Oh when she came into TGIF - she kissed me. And Di said the guy at the table behind us almost choked lol

My only purchase today was the new Melissa Etheridge CD, which probably was not the best purchase for me to be making lol The song on the radio right now is "I want to be in Love" and I like the words to it. Of course that is why they were posted here. :) I am listening to the CD right now. All the songs right, I am relating to a lot. Melissa's long time partner left her. Her tour for this CD is called Live...and alone.

Wow all the songs....I relate too....right now goodnight is playing.....

I washed the dishes poured out the old wine
Called a new friend for the second time
It's not bad this brand new life
It's clean and it's sharp like a brand new knife

I pull up the covers and curl up tight
Turn down the sound turn off the light
Close my eyes and I quietly whisper

You're not here you're not even there
Out of my heart out of my hair
I can't roll away with this missing piece
You could only ever want what I could never ever be

How can I be okay if I'm pulling away
All the things that held together my life
All I want tonight is to touch you and kiss you
But I only wish you

Something I have tried to do.....and have for the most part....said goodnight. Last week I did SOO well went days without thoughts and such of him. And then PMS hit lol


I finished the Valkyries. I want to reread it again. There are so many parts of the book I want to type out and write about.

I have not done lessons learned the last couple weeks - been busy but also I am not sure what I am learning. This week I learned: I am learning faster when something is not good for me. Each day my want for love in my life is stronger.

Kam and I talked about that on Saturday. Something I told him Todd was right about.....Todd thought I needed to love and be loved. I do not allow people to love me...I love many people in my life but I do not let them get past a point. They can love me to a point and that is all I then let in. Kam did admit to me I was the most honest with Todd and he feels I would have let Todd love me. But Todd was not ready for that.

I wonder how long it is before he will not be a part of my vocabulary? Jim is still part of my words. And I have been divorced from him for 3 years. Do I want Todd to not be a part of my words? No, probably not as it seems too much a part of me to keep my love alive for them. I love them still. But that love has changed. It does daily. I mean last week - before PMS hit heavy on Friday - I was doing really good at changing that love to be in a new plane. There are different levels of relationships. And that one that I want close and special where not one else really is.... he had been there and I moved him now though.

I view Todd as a friend. I mean he does not want me as a friend right now and I feel he would say I am making assumptions. I am but he has also done some things to "give" me that message. And that is okay. The things that bother me about it have nothing to do with him. It is just how my feeling how friends treat each other why it bothers me. Anyway, right now I do not feel he is treating me as friends treat each other but if he came to me and said I need a friend. I would be there for him. Because of the love I have for him. That love has created feelings in me that just do not fade. Just like wench. I care for her lots and I am sure she does not feel it. But I do. But I had to change the level after I left her and her Master's home last year. I am just rambling but it is good maybe I will get to something that is really there....trying to break free. So Todd is moved to another level but he is not like on the level Di is but where Jim is...Jim is the same he could call me tomorrow and say I need you and I would be there for him. Sad thing with Jim is that I know it might not be returned. But more because it would be too hard on him. I can handle it - he can't because he still has so much anger. Something I still need to do and keep putting off is writing him.

I was thinking about my website - the extreme one - and I am going to change it. going to be a part of it. A page on Love. I want to be loved. I want to love. I want to love without boundaries. That will throw all those that message or write me lol It is funny I can tell with in 3 lines of conversation if they have read just part or all of the site.

I want someone real and self-aware.

The other night I shared something with Mistress DM that I do not share with anyone. Kam, Honey, Jackie, Di and just a few other friends know about it. I hate talking about - I hate opening that door and seeing it. To me it is over and in the past and no more reason or need to talk about it. But Kam kept telling me I needed to talk to Mistress DM about it. Because there is no other way without the truth to explain some things. I told her I felt like giving her this info would probably snap a big puzzle together and put so many things in perspective about me. But I think maybe it made big holes in her puzzle of me. I saved the convo from that night and interpreted some things she said in ways...that were hmm I closed things off for a couple of days. She was going to call me tonight. And I feel she will say I did it purposely but I did not....I came home talked to Kam for a little while and then fell asleep on the couch he got me up and took me to my room to tuck me in. I then was asleep until about 12:30 and I laid there for the longest time and tried to go back to sleep and then finally got up at 1:30 I think. I was just so tired. I have not slept good for I cannot even remember when the last time it was that I slept good. So I am sure she tried to call and I was asleep. :(

It is almost 4am. I have been writing and then stopping....reading things on the web, writing emails, listening to the new CD over and over.....

It is almost 4am and what would I like right have a conversation with someone. Just talk…signed on yahoo to see if anyone was there....that Dom that would have made me disappear is there. Thoughts of that still sound appealing. As then I would not have to worry about anything.

I need to decide what I am going to talk about for Saturday night. I need to mail a package. I need to pick up those pictures on Tuesday. :) I have lots of little things to be doing now and this week. I had talked about going to dinner on Monday night with someone and forgot I had and A had mentioned meeting on Monday. I was suppose to be thinking of something for A and I have a little bit but not much, I have been to busy.

Hmmmmm babbling on and on....

I should go to bed....

Or try at least....


peace and serenity,

I want to be in love

I want to be in love by Melissa Etheridge

Melissa Etheridge Information Network

I have climbed the highest mountain
I have sailed across the sea
I have wrestled with my demons
And woke up with only me
I have been around the block
Three times maybe four
And I think I deserve just a little more
In front of total strangers won't you kiss me
Flowers for no reason but you miss me
Oh I want to be in love
You're standing on the doorstep in the rain
Cause you couldn't wait to see me once again
Oh I want to be in love
I have made some big mistakes
And I've paid a heavy price
I found a little peace between will and sacrifice
I have watched as all my dreams
Went walking out the door
And I think I deserve just a little more
I'm looking for a heart of gold
I'm looking for a hand to hold
A happy end
Strong and kind
Somewhere to rest my troubled mind
In front of total strangers won't you kiss me
Flowers for no reason but you miss me
Oh I want to be in love
On Tuesday light the candles bring me wine
Wednesday morning I won't get to work on time
Oh I want to be in love
Surprise me as I'm stepping off the plane
Take my hand as they play our song again
Oh I want to be in love

Sunday, July 22, 2001


Some habits not matter how old die hard....

I guess this habit is not all that old though....

I just woke up from a nightmare and my first instinct and thing I did was to reach for the phone to call Todd. He was always up - he kept strange hours like I did. And so I could call him and hear his voice to make all the nightmares die down to help me get back to sleep again.

It is weird how I did that. I got up and went straight to my phone. As friends I could probably do that as him to help calm me to get me back to sleep but right now Todd is not wanting to talk to me. And that is okay. If he ever wants to or needs me....I will be here.

So now I am up and writing and not sure what else to write about.....

I did not get to go to SMART tonight as I had to work. Which is not a bad thing but I was wanting to go. Di was busy though so she would not have been able to go with me.

I need to call my parents tomorrow and write my sisters. I have not had contact with my family in a long time.

I guess I am getting tired again and going to try to get back to sleep....


Friday, July 20, 2001


PMS is a wonderful thing! NOT lol

I have been sick because I am pmsing. It is almost making me down. And I am not liking that one bit. I am sure Di was ready to kill me tonight. I was cut and pasting her things from emails.....and making us both crazy I am sure.

I just went to get a diet coke and as I got up I thought of a quote....."Life shrink's or expands in proportion to ones courage." ~ Anias Nin

Not really sure why that popped into my head.

Let's see what is going on in my life.


Had business stuff to take care of.....

Kam and I went to dinner with a friend.

Then I took Kam home. We had a disagreement on the way home and were fighting in the parking lot of our apartments. I love him. And he loves me more then anyone in his life. But I just cannot let go of the past resentments with him. I forgive others in my life but not him. And I am not sure why?

I then gathered up clothing and such...and Di did a photo shoot for me. lol We kept joking that we need a fan and music. I had like 6 clothing changes. I know she did a good job taking the pictures I just hope I can live with what I see in them. lol

I then ended things with Sir....we are still friends. We had been "dating" and play partners. I had to end it now as it was getting harder. I had some issues which I think he just finally understood what I meant when we talked about them again on Wednesday night. I still care for him. And we talked a long time and it was hard to do but we both know right now it is probably the best thing for me. He has always told me he just wants me to do what is best for me and what makes me happy. And right now it was for the best not to be involved with him as we were....we just would have ended up hurting each other. And that is no fun!

I bought 2 floggers from him too. One for Honey and one for a friend of Honey's that flogged me while in Germany :) I need to buy one for my toy bag now too :) I think I want a purple one!


I started getting sick. I could feel it coming.

Thought about Sir...also thought about if i should change his name in here. Something maybe to talk to him about at some point. I talked to one of the Dominants I am talking to on the phone...he is the one I do not know what to name yet. I am missing SM.

I was sick on and off all day.

I talked to A on the phone. Not sure why really that I am talking with him except that he is safe. That sounds terrible huh? He is going to love that. He is intriguing also. He never brought up sex, bdsm or D/s really. I had and he asked a few questions but he was never graphic or not sure the word....and that always turns me on lol Because he used questions to stimulate my mind. I like intelligent men. All 3 of them that I am talking to right now are intelligent.

I just dumped a lot on Mistress DM and she is being unusually quiet lol

Talked with JJ tonight. I had not talked with her in a while. She is having her family over this weekend...which I know is stressful.

I am not sure what else to talk about.....

Pmsing and I am thinking of the past...actually thought of Morgan several times today/tonight. I closed my eyes and saw her smile and her eyes light was so real like she was right here.


Wednesday, July 18, 2001


Not even sure what to post right now......

Today was a hard day....another ending in my life.

I will write about it tomorrow....


Tuesday, July 17, 2001

I am in a mood

Saturday night.....

I went to a play party and ended up playing. It was a pretty good scene. Different from those we had done before.

I got home on Saturday night/early Sunday morning and signed online and one of a few Dominants I am talking to was online. I am not sure what to call him here yet as his initial are SM too lol Anyway he called me. We chatted on the phone for a while. He is very intelligent and that is something I need is a Dominant that is smart enough to get inside my head because it is not an easy task. It was an interesting chat. :)

I would say him and SM are the closest I have come to finding people who understand what I am about.

There is another Dominant locally that I have been chatting with and he is very nice, but married. And not doing that again. I need someone who can give me more of a commitment. But he is nice to talk to and so I do.

I cannot at this moment remember what I did wow....


I talked with SM. He asked me how much notice I would need if he wanted me to come to Dayton. I said as much notice as he could give me. It ended up that he schedule was going to be so busy he was not sure he could give me the time he wants to give me. He talked of coming to visit in August. That would be fun....I hope he does.

I talked with the other Dominant online and it was not a good conversation at all. And to him on the phone. He is firm and does not back down from his beliefs. That is REALLY important to me. I have been talking to some Dominants that seem so insecure. I had a Dominant that was messaging me and I would tell him I was busy and he would get very apologetic to me and it just bothered me. It is fine to be apologetic but to keep going on and on it just seemed passive to me...not sure that is the word.

I chatted online with the local Dominant who I will name A for my journal. And we are going to meet for a drink this week. He wanted it to be last night but I was meeting JJ.

JJ and I got together and had dinner and then a couple of drinks. I am not sure what I want to say about what went on. I hurt her feelings and we, I believe, resolved those issues. We talked about some things. I always enjoy talking with her. Just hanging out and chatting. We then went and had some alone is that for being vague lol It was very nice. :)


I had 3 things I needed to do today.....

I did 2 of them and the 3rd I was not able to do. I tried to see Todd. I have a present for his son. And he has some stuff of mine. So I just wanted to give him the present and get my things. He was either not there or not wanting to deal with me yet. And I guess I feel lets just get it over with....and close the door....why procrastinate on this.....just makes it harder. I have resolved SO much of how I feel about him, the relationship then - now, and so on. I feel very light. I just want this last thing and then I will have had my closure. I still care for him. But that is not unusual for me to care about people even after we walk away from each other. I mean so many people I have walked away from are still a part of my life and I care about deeply.

I got a new phone today!!! yipppeee!! I needed phone bills with the company I was going through were just tooo expensive. This is a great deal and so far I really like it. The guy that sold me the phone was asking me questions - address, name, phone number, birthday.....he got to birthday and I told him. And he kept asking me to repeat the year lol I told JJ last night that I knew I must have bags under my eyes last night because the cocktail waitress did not card me and I usually get carded lol The phone guy just kept saying you look so young you look so young. So I guess I must have got some sleep last night lol


Talked to Di about a few things going on. She is a GREAT friend! I love her very much and hope that we are always matter what.

Talked to Moni tonight. She sounded VERY good! I have been meaning to get together with her, Lucar and Michael for dinner sometime soon.

Talked with JJ. :)

I am in a mood. Not a good mood, but not a bad mood. A hurt and fighting mood.

Going to go to bed....VERY early for me but that is a good thing....


Sunday, July 15, 2001


Well, tonight was interesting. I went with thoughts in my head of what I wanted to happen...better word resolved.

Time heals all wounds.....forgiveness....I hope on both parts.

I wish I had met the host of the a different point in my life. When I started to pursue things with life was out of control. I was sorry I could not see that then though. It was a year ago this weekend that I first felt my attraction towards him. And that feeling is still there...most definitely.

So much has changed this year. It seems so strange because it does not seem like it has been a year. I remember Kam and I had a really good session at their house last year. Jackie was here and that was her first play party. :)

Both the host and hostess were VERY nice to me! And I really appreciated it. I felt very comfortable the whole time I was there. And I hope they were too with me being in their house. I wanted to say things to them both but I could not find the words. Maybe it is not time yet. I just very much appreciate that they were so kind to me while being in their home....I worried and felt they would not welcome me but they did....and I appreciate that they did.

Not sure what else to write right now.....


Saturday, July 14, 2001


I am sitting here in the midst of getting ready to go to a play party with Sir......

It seems like forever since he and I went together anywhere like this.......

On the way to the shower tonight I passed all these pictures I have in the hallway..I have lots of them a grouping and there is one that is a drawing of an angel....and it has a quote on it....

"I saw an angel in the stone and carved it to set it free." ~ Michelangelo

I have been thinking about it all night....

Wish I had time to write about it....


Friday, July 13, 2001


Okay going off on a vent......

Would you meet someone at a bdsm meeting for the first time or a vanilla function or place, such as in the mall, and go up to them and ask them to strip so you could see them nude? WELL NO!! so why on earth would you ask for a nude picture of someone you just met online. Why would you ask the questions you do or direct the conversation online as you do if you would not do that in real life?

The surest way to turn me off is treat me differently then you would when meeting me in real life. You would not ask me what my favorite position is the first time meeting me....You would not ask me if I like anal sex the first time meeting why do it online.

I am attracted to the mind. I hardly ever ask for anyone's picture because if you don't do it mentally for me then it does not matter what you look like and if you do it for me mentally it does not matter what you look like because it is the mind I am attracted to. I will say this again the thing that got me with Todd hook line and sinker is that he emailed me on my extreme name that is very explicit in what I want and he did not talk about anything sexual. He did not even talk D/s at first only to say he was looking for a submissive. He did not talk about the site or my wants or anything sexual or bdsm. Just was normal talked of his hobbies and work and such. And it was SOOO refreshing!

Okay done venting lol


Thursday, July 12, 2001


Well, today was busy again for me. I was pretty much out of the house from 7:30 am to 6:30 pm and then left again at 8:30 pm and came home about 11pm. It was a long day but a good day. I got fucked lol I know TMI lol It was a really good fucking though and I did not bleed or have pain this time either! And I still have not had pain which sometimes follows later. I am listening to Dave Matthew Band. The newest CD...everyday. So many things remind me of different moments in my life. Places, songs, smells, a phrase, a word...moments. Sir invited me to a play party and lately I have been thinking about one of the people hosting it. And I realized it was a year ago this weekend that I really felt that attraction towards him. I am listening to Dave Matthew Band and I think of Jackie. The song Spaces Between makes me think of someone else though. I was at a certain place yesterday and I thought of Todd and the first time he punished me. I was in TGIF today and thought of week Honey was here and we went out with Di, Sir, Todd, her and I one night. Boy, what a night. The waiter we had that night was in there today. This weekend will be busy socially for me. I have like 3 things that I could do tomorrow night. And then 2 for Saturday night. I know Kam is missing me and I probably will not see him really until Sunday. So I will ask him to do something Sunday afternoon or evening. I had invited Jackie here for Friday night but she is going out of town. I had some solitude tonight. It was hard but good. Babbling Babbling...seems to be how things go that last couple of days.....

good night....


Wednesday, July 11, 2001

Jumping all over

Well this week I am back to my normal working schedule. I got up at 6:30 am and I have been going all day. I think I pretty much was in my car from 1pm to midnight. I can feel that I was in my car all pain. I called the clinic yesterday they forgot to call my referral in but said it might be 2 to 3 days before I heard anything. I read some more of the book today - The Valkyries by Paulo Coelho. Some of it I need to reread - which is not uncommon with me - but this I need to reread because I want to slow it down and think about it more. Tonight I want to talk about work things and I cannot. I cannot talk about those here. Oh well....but lots of business things running around in my head. Here I am being serious and Mistress DM and I are chatting via im and I look to see what she said and she is being well hmm not sure what the word is but I am blushing. Chatting with JJ too but not doing a good job of knowing what to say. I understand where she is coming from but I feel like some of the things she is saying I am at fault for because my life has been so chaotic. Di is helping a good friend of hers and I feel for her. I just feel like I am letting down a lot of people right now. So many things I needed to accomplish this week and seems like not many of them are getting done...more then there was last week though. A thought that is rolling around in the back of my mind is people being straightforward. One reason I have liked JJ from the beginning is how upfront and honest she was with me. Mistress DM is always upfront with me also - but just does not say some things right away as she knows I will not accept them at that time. Di and I, well Di and I are honest but we do not say everything. We just know it is there. She can accept me - even when I am wrong and being paranoid like last night lol I am lucky she is understanding of my outbreaks of weirdness. LOL okay the conversations I have are just so bizarre sometimes. Talking about going away for a while. I wish I could sleep all day tomorrow but it is going to be a day like today which is a good thing but I just need a rest. I guess Monday. Thank goodness for Monday's. LOL now how bizarre does that sound. :) My mind is jumping all over.....tired. Soooo I am going to bed....

good night....



I just read a post of a woman describing an abusive situation she was in because of her low self esteem and also because he looked for her.

She said that he preyed on her..she talked about how every aspect was consensual. She felt manipulated in ways she did not know were possible. He used tactics that lowered her self esteem even more...making her more dependent on him and less likely she would leave. She would start to feel so unworthy that the smallest amount of attention from him would be a pure gift of joy....even if they were all negative.

I felt the feeling I get deep inside when I read things like that. Excitment....Fear....Images flashing before my eyes. And that was abuse to her. It was abuse to me.....looking back and thinking of what Don did to me I would say it is abuse. So why do I crave to be back in that very situation? To get very turned on when he back handed me for looking at him...or making a noise.....or moving.....things that were unjustified really. But not. Uggghh frustration!



Lets see....

Tuesday was okay. Not great not terrible.

I am craving affection and attention. I can get both if I reached out but right now I pull myself back. I reach out and start and then pull back. Still so scared of not being ready and also of hurting others.

I picked up the phone to call about 8 different people last night but ended up stopping myself and not calling any of them but Di. I did end up calling JJ and getting together with her for a drink. And I called Sir too and had thought of asking him to meet me but right now I also do not know if bringing my feelings I have for him to the surface is good. I love him and I just do not want my feeling for him and my need for attention and affection to cloud things right now.

Also I need to be fucked lol I want just sex hard and rough and to just have orgasm after orgasm.

Balance lol.....

I want soft touches.....affection, touching and attention. And I want to be fucked very hard and just be left breathless and worn out lol

I always struggle between the opposite ends of my desires.

Well, I need to get on with my day......

It is going to be SOOO long.....


Tuesday, July 10, 2001


I am not sure what I want to write. I feel kind of like I have evened out some in the last week. I am sure it has lots to do with the mental exercise that Mistress DM has me doing. I talked with SM on the phone yesterday. He has a nice voice. Yesterday was my day off and I just did absolutely cleaning, no laundry, hardly no thinking about all the stuff I need to do this week for work. It was nice.

Thinking about past relationships, particularly Jim and my relationship. When I mentally and even verbally have ended it with him something happens after where it is almost like there was a weight lifted off of both of our shoulders and so we were able to relax and just be. I mean a good fun memory with Jim was him and I sitting on the living room floor listening to music and drinking some wine and going through our cd's to decide who got what cd. We were joking and having fun. But in that moment in time we had already decided we were done. Things seemed to get better for that time. But it did not last. I mean he knew who I was and where I wanted my life and that was not where he wanted his. So we knew it was wrong for us to be together at that time.

It is coming up on your 10 year anniversary....I need to write him and have some closure on things. Yes, I go through even still after 3 years of being divorced that I wonder if we could make it work now. But I know when I really feel it and think it....he never will accept ME. He never will accept me how I care for people and want to give them the shirt off my back and help people in need, he will never accept the dreamer and artist in me, he will never accept my sexuality, he will never accept my desire and need to be in a D/s relationship. So I need write my letter say what I need and walk away and let him do whatever he wants with it - ignore it or hear it. He has so much anger. It will be 2 years in November since I saw him. And he is still angry at me.

Something else I have been having roll around in my head is......

How we hang on to things.

I remember a time when I was staying with Jim (long story why I would stay with him) and I was about to go out to eat with Danny. And I was dressed in a short skirt and blouse with lots of cleavage, bra and panties and heels and I came out and he was sitting watching TV and he looked at me and he had that look that meant he was thinking something. I said "what" and he said "you look slutty." I, at that time, let that get to me. I got upset went to the bedroom and cried. I changed right away and called Danny and said I could not meet him and told him what Jim had said. Danny tried to tell me to not to listen to Jim. That was a beautiful sexy woman and that I was not scared to show that off. And it was Jim's own insecurities that made him lash out at me. Anyway I let Jim's words hurt me. Because at that time I believed being a slut was a bad thing. I believed showing off my cleavage and legs were bad. So my own insecurities stopped me from standing up to him also. A year later I visited. And I was on my way out to a KINK event. I was dressed in a short skirt, thigh highs, black lace up blouse, and heels. No bra - No panties. :) And he said "you are such a slut" and I said "yes I am and damn proud of it." :) And left that way. It is all how you feel about yourself. It took me so long to get comfortable with myself. I have emails and ims after seeing pictures of me saying you are fat or worse. And if I took and hung on to all those comments, I would not be a very happy person, probably lock myself in my bedroom. I would allow them to control how I view myself. And I am the only one who really matters when it comes to how I view myself - my looks, thoughts and beliefs.

Something that has been on my mind lately is a reoccurring dream I have....not always the same has the same house in it. It is the house and myself that are the constant in the dream. The house is a normal house really. It has a living room, dining room, kitchen and family room are all one big room, an upstairs with bedrooms, and a basement with playroom *grin* and rec room. Anyway, I have had the dream over the years...with various people in the dream. Jim and I were in the house. Brian one of my first loves. Danny has been in the house with his kids. Honey and her son have been in the house. Jackie has been in the house and also another area that is just for me...which I will explain more. Di has been in the house but she did not live there like the others have. jackie of Detroit was in the house too but she did not live there either. And it is not like that others have lived there all at once. They have not.

I will have dream with the house and a certain person. Like when I was in Germany I had dream where Honey's son was a teenager. He came in and I was in the kitchen cutting up some fruit. He was talking about school and then asked me to sign a permission slip for him to play football. I have had dreams with Danny and I in bed. Jim and I in the bathroom off the master bedroom. Mistress DM in the living room reading and I come in with a tray with tea and such on it and serve her tea by kneeling before her. Morgan is in the house in things.....the vase of fresh cut flowers on the dining room table, a painting on the wall, a silk scarf draped over the bed post. She is in the house but I do not see her physical presence in the house.

I have a renovated barn on the property of the house and that is me. That is my art studio. It has all my books, little boxes, pictures, music and art things in it. There is 2 levels and the top level is my art studio. The bottom had been kind of a storage area until last summer when Jackie was here. I had a dream where I created the bottom level of the barn into her studio. I let someone in my studio. She did not come upstairs but she was in the barn and maybe that is not significant but it felt like it was.

Anyway I have been dreaming of my house lately I feel it....but I cannot see it....remember it.

Hope is a waking dream ~ Aristotle


Monday, July 09, 2001

July 9th

When I was driving home last night about 2:45, I realized it was the 9th. I thought I should come home and write about it being the 9th and what July 9th means to me. But I came home and it slipped my mind totally. The universe trying to tell me not worry about it right now? I think so.

I am thinking about it today but it seems almost like a dream or something I read in book. It does not belong to me. I am not sad like I have been in the past years when I think of it. I am not stressed over it. It just is...part of my life.

Just glad to be here and living life. :)

I had someone ask me this morning after reading some things I wrote if I was bored with life. And I said no way. I love living life and he said that he could tell I love living life but that he felt I was bored with my life right now. I wanted to send him my blogger and say hmm does this look like my life is boring lol My life is chaotic and out of control but yet I still have that calmness in the center and I do not think most people see that I do...except maybe Di, Jackie, and Kam because they have seen me at my worst. I joke with JJ and with Mistress DM that I am neurotic and I am lol but they should have seen me 3 years ago. I was so lost and trapped in my mind. Trapped in my mind 4 years ago is a good way to describe myself. Trapped in a world of nightmares that played 24 hours a day.

No nightmares now.....well not the same type :)

Life even with the heartaches I have right now is good. This chaos in my life is nothing. I look at it and think of life 4 years ago and think wow Life is incredible! I am very lucky!



It is 4am and I am awake awake lol

I just got done hanging out with JJ for the last 6 hours. She has helped me through a lot and I care for her and she needed me tonight. Not sure I helped much but I hope that spending time together at least was a good thing. I know it was for me.

I am in pain and that is not good. I have lots on my mind of course.....Some things that are on my mind are going to have to be dropped.....

Tomorrow is my day off!!!! yipppeee!!!

not excited am I? lol

I am getting burnt out and I had that discussion with Kam today and JJ. JJ offered to help. And I am probably going to take her up on that offer.

Okay going to bed as it is WAY to late to be up....


Sunday, July 08, 2001

limited state

Second Saturday in a row that I was home. I think I am trying to slow my life down...subconsciously.

Work: I have been busy but not busy still. I have people still trying to do things against me and I still maintain things as I have always. I do not do anything or say anything negative. Negativity will only come back and surround me more if I do that...and I am too smart to get bit in the ass to do anything stupid like that. This is probably the most frank I have been about my work ever. I am not ready to talk about it here. And probably will never be as work is work and my personal life is my personal life. Work effects me and is part of me. But I need to keep things separate. Just like people leave work at work when the come home. I do too.

I have not talked to JJ since Thursday. I thought of her several times this weekend and almost called her to see if she wanted to do something Saturday night. I looked up on the net some places I wanted to go....a woman's bar and such *blush* But I felt the need to just be by myself tonight.

I have been chatting to Mistress DM about lots of different things that I want to write about but I am having trouble articulating how I feel and what I think about them.

I talked with Moni last night...I miss her. I also talked to someone I have not talked to in probably 6 months....Danny. He is someone I should write about sometime. Someone who is at times down right offensive in how sexual he is and he definitly is a pervert. lol But someone I care about A LOT. We meshed in an odd way.

Mistress DM and I had an interesting conversation of serving her in a limited contract...not forever as I have always viewed she wanted a slave as in forever and I just do not think I can serve her forever. But the logistics of it right now with my work is not something we are going to get around anytime soon. It is an interesting thought though.


Friday, July 06, 2001

Punishing Myself

Last night something happened.....

I am not sure I can even explain it. I had a conversation with Mistress DM that was unlike any we have had before. We have had talks of spirituality and her telling me her thoughts and observations on my life but this time it was different.

It effected me differently how she approached this and I am still rattled by it.

With Todd he would joke he had a condo on "de nile" and Di and I said we had those too. I would joke that we all must live in the same gated community lol Anyway I try to live in my condo a lot with Mistress DM and last night she yanked me out. She did not chain me down.....I stayed on my own I guess lol

I felt so deeply submissive and I heard each word she said to me. I was mush but I wasn't. I knew each word she told me was for my own good. I knew that each question and statement that came up I needed to listen to.....Thank goodness I was not before her. It was hard at times to say yes Ma`am but at the same time it was too easy. And that bothered me lol

i have been punishing myself denying myself pleasure...i have a reason for it too but not a reason I am going to share. The reason I can logically look and say okay that is wrong. But emotionally there is a part of me that does not believe it. Mistress DM was very firm and Dominant with me. She asked me lots of questions: why do you get to decide you deserve to be punished? or that you don't deserve pleasure? do you know how to punish effectively? to judge when someone deserves it and how to inflict it? can you take responsibility for the consequences in that person's life after the punishment?

I am sitting reading through the im and it makes me mad that I feel the way I do about myself where as 6 months ago I was so strong and confident in myself and just starting to trust my feelings and thoughts. And now I feel like I am almost back to square one.

I answered all of her questions. I tried the best I could to be honest with the answers. But like I said my mind was mush to a point.

It is hard not to talk about what I am talking about lol....

So I am going to say it.

I have not allowed myself pleasure - main reason - because I do not feel good enough. I feel that if I would have been good enough that Todd would not have broke up with me. So I feel worthless. Which in another setting might be nice lol

So going to post the convo from here on I think......

Mistress DM: so, if both of us say you have no right to punish yourself over this, why do you think you should?
Me: i am not sure Ma`am...i guess i should not be Ma`am.
Mistress DM: you, with no skill for punishment and no judgement where Todd is concerned
Me: yes Ma`am You are right
Mistress DM: no, you shouldn't be. but that doesn't answer the *why* of it
Me: i feel i need to be punished. why i am doing it myself is because no one else will...
Mistress DM: do you think if you get punished it will somehow change you or prove to Todd that you are worthy after all?
Me: no Ma`am i do not think that
Mistress DM: good
Mistress DM: do you think that if "god" allows you to punish yourself, it will prove Todd was right and validate your trust in him?
Me: prove he was right maybe....validate my trust in him no
Mistress DM: why would you want to prove he was right?
Me: if he is right then i know it is me...that something is wrong with. not sure i want to prove he was right. i just feel he is. i guess.
Mistress DM: I have another question about why you think you should be punished
Mistress DM: do you think you deserve to be punished because you're never worthy of anyone?
Me: do i have to answer that...
Mistress DM: yes
Me: You know my answer though
Mistress DM: answer the question
Me: yes Ma`am...that is a correct statement. i feel i deserve it because i am never worthy of anyone.
Mistress DM: and if you're incapable of judging when you deserve punishment, what makes you think you're capable of determining whether or not you're "worthy"?
Me: i guess i am not Ma`am
Mistress DM: you "guess"?
Me: i am not Ma`am
Mistress DM: so it sounds like you need to stop being so presumptuous
Me: yes Ma`am
Mistress DM: are you capable of doing that?
Me: i am not for sure Ma`am
Mistress DM: are you at all inclined to change or are you going to run back into your condo and convince yourself you have the right to punish yourself if you feel like it?
Me: i want to change it
Mistress DM: why?
Me: because You are right i do not have the right to punish myself or decide if i am worthy or not.
Mistress DM: so what are you going to do about it?
Me: i am not sure how to change it, Ma`am
Mistress DM: so what are you going to do about it?
Me: i do not know...please Ma`am i do not know.
Mistress DM: I know. you have to break through this one, danae. it's important
Mistress DM: when you need to do something and you don't know how to do it, what should you do?
Me: i am not sure i cannot think please Ma`am...please
Mistress DM:
Mistress DM: did someone teach you you can't ask for help when you need help?
Mistress DM:
Me: my mind is going so fast i just realize i am not wearing my rose.....i took it off...when i went on that date tonight.
Me: i do not know Ma`am...i just know i do not ask for help.
Mistress DM: what rose
Me: never have asked for help. except when in hospital. and of course they did not help me because they wanted to focus on the bdsm instead of the issues i needed help on
Me: Honey gave me a pendant a rose...and when i wear it i do not feel others and when i do not for extended periods usually more then 5 days then i feel others but tonight i am not feeling others but i feel out of mind going very fast. i guess i just thought my rose would help
Mistress DM: your panic was because the only answer to my questions was something you can't trust yourself to do
Me: i am fighting asking what is that something i cannot trust myself to do....
Mistress DM: ask for help
Mistress DM: you can't trust yourself enough to ask for help
Me: i ask you for help...and then i let you down...and then i am back at square one
Mistress DM: how can you let me down by/after asking for help?
Me: by not being able to do what you will want me to in helping me Ma` doing it and then not doing it right and so failing
Mistress DM: wow. do you see how many assumptions you are making in that?
Mistress DM: <---is still hugging you, btw
Me: i want to ask to go to bed....yes i see i made lots of assumptions
Mistress DM: asking for help is something very difficult in this society. I struggle with it too
Mistress DM: but, as a slave, as a submissive, as a person, you have to learn how to do it....if only to be able to say "god/ess/spirit/fate help me with this"
Mistress DM: "show me what to do"
Me: please help me....
Me: please may i go to bed...
Mistress DM: yes, maybe you'll get messages in certainly need rest
Me: Thank You Ma`am
Mistress DM: if you weren't tired before, this certainly stressed you
Mistress DM: danae
Me: yes Ma`am?
Mistress DM: I'm proud of you. I know this has been very difficult and not "fun" like our other conversations
Mistress DM: and I believe in *you*
Mistress DM: sick, perverted, silly, neurotic, misguided, whatever
Mistress DM: you are far from unworthy
Mistress DM: you're actually strong, loyal, intelligent, witty
Mistress DM: caring
Me: okay please going from tears to laughing...and not that i am laughing at You....just thinking of me sitting here in tears and you are telling me i am strong and loyal and so on
Mistress DM: sweet dreams
Mistress DM: yeah, well, we still have to have the conversation about humor and laughter :)
Me: Good night Ma`am....Thank You Ma`am....sweet dreams *hugs*
Mistress DM: but that's for another time....go to sleep
Me: yes Ma`am night

*takes a deep breath*


Wednesday, July 04, 2001


SJ had talked to me before how the universe tries to tell us things we just do not always listen. It is like that story.....where a man's house was flooded (bad at retelling things like this so bear with me). He is sitting on top of the house praying and asking God to help him. And I think 2 people with boats come by and say come with us and he says no, that I have prayed and God will save me. And then a helicopter comes and they try to get him to go with them and he says no God will save him the water is rising and rising and he starts to drown. He dies and gets to heaven and asks God why he did not save him and God says I did I sent you 2 boats and a helicopter. There are things that happen in our lives that I believe the universe/God who ever it is that you believe in is your higher power tells us and we look at and pass it by. I have had several break ups in the last 2 months. Is someone trying to tell me something?

I think I need to be alone. But I do not want to be.

This morning I talked to Di. I feel she has blinders on where it concerns one person because if anyone else had done what this person had she would have written them off. But this morning I looked her and all that she has going on. She is going through so much. Not like she needs more confusion so we had a hard convo and she signed off. And I wrote her a letter. In the letter I told her to dissolve an agreement we had. Told her that I love her always and to be careful. I mean it. Right now I think there is too much going on with her. (like I am one to talk lol) But I need her to know I will ALWAYS be here for her. She is my best friend and I love her dearly. She has supported and helped me through lots. I am very very lucky to have her in my life. She has been the most supportive, loyal and kind friend. She is a wonderful woman. :)

Today in my mind I ended something. And now I need to do it in person. Once that happens I think my life will be more even.

Last night, stupid things happened.

First JJ wanted to help me communicate with Sir. I am having problems communicating with Sir and I think one thing is I am trying to push him away. Because I just am so lost. Anyway JJ tried to mediate and did not go over well with Sir...oh well. Then some work things happened and it also involved Sir. It is funny all that has went on with work I have been very honest and always have been. And I have not said anything to anyone about what went on and goes on. The only people in my life who know exactly what happened is people I am care about...such as Sir but he does not even have the whole story as I just am not going to say anything as it is better just to let it lie. The reason Sir talked to this person was because he wanted to show me he believes in me and cares....asking the question he did though really was not pleasant. Oh well ‘tis my life.

JJ has helped me get some things clear in my head. She went to the doctor with me Tuesday also. She was incredible. They were not going to let her in with me and I explained to them that if they wanted to see a 33-year old woman screaming and crying then certainly send her away. lol They let her stay. :) Thank gawd they did too because this guy was so rough he caused me to have flashbacks. I was in them and she pulled me out :)

I tried to get out of going to the doctor but she did not take no for an answer. Something I am still amazed by.....because to me she showed me she cared. She has known me how long and she showed me she cared by doing that. There are other people who have been in my life that I wanted to do the same thing and they did not. And because they did not I felt they did not care.

To get Jim to care about anything was impossible. I would see the news about how some family was killed and only one surviving is a little child. I would cry and Jim would say why are you upset there is nothing you can do about it. I feel for people. And those that I care about I will fight for, will touch, will talk to, will protect, will scream and yell if I need show them I care.

I care about a lot of people. I put a lot of people first. And I also put myself first with others...such as Kam and Mistress DM....which right there makes my mind go off on why I do that to them. :)

Anyway I think I need to start putting myself first with more people......

Heal myself.

I am going to finish my glass of wine....mmmmm :)

And go to bed....


ps: part of the book….you see your angel how you want to see them. In the book Paulo and his wife see theirs with wings. I do not think that if I saw my angel he would have wings. He would be normal looking and I would probably almost pass him by unless I looked into his eyes.

Tuesday, July 03, 2001


Just thought I would post it here so I stopped getting bugged lol....

I am going to the doctor today. JJ demanded that she come and get me and go.......*kisses to her*

Thank you JJ....You are GREAT!


ps: and now Di will stop threatening to smack me lol well at least on this issue! lol


On Saturday I had a 3 hour conversation with Mistress DM. Why did I call her......

I wanted to be accepted and I knew she would. Sir and I had a conversation and he does not understand me - in regards to the extreme pain I crave. I am not sure Mistress DM understands it but she accepts it. She even has thought of doing things like that before also. I wonder if it scares her? Anyway I felt very much not accepted by Sir and so I called her. I felt like I did when my husband told me I was sick and freak for my desires. I do not think Todd understood them but he never implied that I was freak. Probably thinks I am now though.

She says by calling her I gave her consent to control me during that conversation. Give her an inch and she takes a mile....she would say calling was giving her a half mile. She is right. Calling her was a BIG deal. Just the thought of calling her gives me lots of anxiety.

Why? Because one talking to most Dominants on the phone I am nervous. I am sure Todd remembers that first phone conversation with me. It was hard for me to call him. He told me I could wait but I just did not think and dialed. I did the same with Mistress DM.

Choice....when talking to her my choice is taken away. And it is not a conscious decision. Where I say to myself here I am giving her control or power. It just happens. It really peeves me at times. But it is one reason I am attracted to her. Because she can compel me to be submissive.

Anyway she started having me admit things and as she did my mind became mush lol Or primed as she would say. I struggled at times to say "yes Ma`am" but I did. It is one of those things that it is almost like it is not a choice. I do not want to say "yes Ma`am" but I have no choice to go against it would be going against something inside me.

Because my mind was mush she could have had me admitting anything to her because I had become a blank slate. It was hard to think outside that world that is created. I am not sure I can explain it. But when submitting it is like their is nothing else in the world only submitting to the Dominance.

Todd could do that to my mind too. It was like almost a confusion but not a confusion. I mean it felt like confusion but only when I tried to fight against it. When I let it flow it felt very natural. Same with Mistress DM. When Sir puts Dominance on me it is different, because it is control for that space in time. When Todd or Mistress DM have done seems to go further. It is not just that space in time. I mean Sir has to have those limitations on I guess he is good at what he does because he can control it very well in that space - that moment in time.

I do not talk about Kam's Dominance at all. I am not sure why.....resentments I am sure. Not that he keeps deserving those resentments still. He does not at all. He has been pretty remarkable the last few months. It is hard to judge his Dominance because I do not allow it to get in very far. When I was first here I gave to him completely. He did not understand the depth to it. He was unsure of what to do with it.

I am not an easy submissive. I need LOTS of time and attention especially at first. I need to know things are safe. I need to know I am accepted, but I also need to know I am going to be held accountable for my actions.

Anyway, she made me admit things and come out of my condo WAY too much. The nice leather couch in my condo was missing me. :)

It was a year ago yesterday that Jackie came to spend the summer with us. I have been thinking about her lots.

About a week after Todd and I broke up. I was online and a Dominant (SM) messaged me. He has been a nice mixture of extreme and nice guy. He lives in the DC area. Anyway, I have done a few things that were not very "respectful." I am in this fighting mood. Di said I was trying to sabotage things. Maybe she is right. I guess I feel it is too soon even if he "seems" like a good Dominant. I mean anyone can seem like a good Dominant without much least that is what I have found over the years. But I want to be owned. I frustrated and annoyed him a lot on Thursday (I think it was or maybe Wednesday). I did not talk to him again until today. He had gave lots of thought to me while he was out on his boat for a long weekend. He then told me that at the end of the month he is going to be in Dayton for business and wants me to come see him. I was surprised. I thought I had pushed him away. I mean what he asked me to do was simple and I said NO. I have some red flags with him but I also wonder if I am having red flags because of still getting over Todd. We talked of D/s beliefs and ours are very similar. Just not sure...I am confused right now and I should back away from him but I also like his beliefs and it is VERY hard to find someone who accepts the beliefs I have.

I was reading through old emails and found this that I saved....

"When you keep your word, you are manifesting your divine nature. The more that you keep your word to yourself and to others, the more your word becomes law in your universe. This gives you something you trust -- you can trust yourself. Your word counts. What you say makes a difference. You can take yourself seriously, and others can count on you.

Your word becomes like gravity -- something that you can count on being there. As it does, you then begin to have a measure of power in your universe.

There is a tricky balance between the idea that you create your own reality and the truth that God is in charge. When you can count on your word -- and when your own vision is in alignment with the flow of your destiny -- you then have the power to manifest that destiny. If your word has no power, and it is not something that you can count on, then it is as if you have to swim upstream to get where you should go.

When you are in touch with your deepest self, you can sense the flow of your soul toward its destiny. You consciously put your personal will in alignment with that flow, and your word is a huge support. You say, "I am going there" -- and you go there. This is where your word and your inner guidance become partners in taking you toward your destiny. If your word has no power, it is not something that you can count on. You then lose the support of this powerful ally." It is a meditation from 10/29.

I believe I have worked hard to be honest with those in my life. I remember times of not telling everything as I felt it would hurt them or disappoint them or make them think I was sick or a freak. I still think I have problems telling some of my feelings but more from the stand point I still am not sure I understand what I am feeling at times. I still worry about disappointing, hurting and not being accepted but it is less of a big deal then it used to be. It all seems new at times to me. To feel.

I feel that I was creating my own reality. I was seeking something out. Laying out the map in my blogger of what it is that I really seek and who I really am. And I started towards that. I believe Sir was a stepping stone to the next level. He gave me help to see that I was submissive as I doubt that lots. And I felt Todd was the next level. Just cut lots out of here. Because it is pointless. I need to get myself aligned again to go with that flow towards my destiny. Just not sure what that is right now.

Destiny to be a slave? Oh my said that word...slave. I have truly thought I did not have what it takes to be a slave. And not sure I do. Destiny.....What I want is to be loved and owned. I want someone who will guide me on finding things in myself that I just have problems taping into without guidance. I wonder if I am submissive because of my up bringing. My parents did not give me much guidance. I got bad grades and was yelled at but nothing was done to help or make me accountable. I was like so what. I just sat there and went off into my own world as I got yelled at...nodding at the appropriate times and then get up and go to my room and escape the feelings that were left from them yelling at me.

On Sunday Mistress DM had a talk with me that I am not sure ended up the way she wanted to and maybe wishes we would not have had that talk. I block off thoughts of being owned by her for several reasons. As Kam would say I always have layered arguments. I do :) I just never have one reason for something. Anyway one reason is I feel I need to be owned and loved by a man...the same man (which she will dispute over and over again). And then the other reason is I do not feel good enough for her. I think she is insane for wanting me. Too good for me. And the final reason (I think) is that I am worried we would try it and then there would be disappointments and then I would resent her and I do not want to lose her.

I am going to post all of this and keep working on some of what I am writing.......I just do not want my blogger to be 10 pages on one entry.

And post it before Di gets on my case lol
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