Friday, January 31, 2003

I thought I would post a quick one before I head to bed.......


Can you believe it......this time tomorrow i will be able to reach out and touch Him? *smiles*

Bill and Lisa brought me over to Moni's tonight. Her and Katrina are bring me to the airport in the morning. We did tarot end card being scared but right now in this moment in time...I am very scared so that fits.

I am feeling so much....excitement and nervousness the same time there is a calmness setting in.....a calmness in is out of my hands...some sort of acceptance has washed over me. It is calm and balanced.......right now. I know I am facing bumps...I know it is not going to be easy but...I am just glad it is here and we are going to explore this together.

I also want to thank everyone for keeping me in their thoughts and sending me well wishes on my journey.
This was from my daily buddhist wisdom and it is from "Mindfulness in Plain English" and sense i was quoting it the other day i thought i would share this one too....

You can expect certain benefits from meditation. The initial ones are practical things, the later stages are profoundly transcendental. They run together from the simple to the sublime. -Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness in Plain English"

Thursday, January 30, 2003

Topic: Mostly life with Him....with other random this-n-thats lol

Butterflies are really around me now : ) I can’t believe this time on Saturday I will be in the air on my way to see Him. *big smile* I am very nervous but also totally excited.

He has all sorts of plans. We discussed some the other night. Everything is a process with us. He wrote in His journal about the change and transition from online to real time. It is a very scary for both of us.

I keep thinking He will want me to be “enslaved” from the moment I land. And although He reassured me over and over that it is a process…for some reason something in me still doubts it.

Maybe it is because I know how I am real time. I will be very quiet and demure the first day or 2 or 3 because I will be scared. And then I will try to communicate more and in the past that has not happened very smoothly. girlie and I talked about that a little the other day as she reminded me how it was when I visited them, but also I have changed A LOT since I visited them that first time.

So, that transitioning time scares me because I tend to give a lot at first out of fear of displeasing when I know where my boundaries are then I might push some and that bothers me that I do that…but often I am not aware I am even doing it until in the middle of it or afterwards. : (

We discussed some of the things that will be a part of my life there…

Lack of freedom…

The only time I will be alone without Him will be at work but even then I will be restricted to freedoms. I will be either be hobbled or in my cage. Probably no online time while He is gone. I will start to learn that my time is His time to do what He wishes.

I will not be allowed to use the toilet – going to have to be using a bucket again. (I did that when I was Kam’s slave for a while.)

I will be caged a lot. All these things are a process but this one and having to wear a hood scare me probably the most right now. The cages scares me as I will be alone, confined, and I think it will make me feel like an animal. His cats roam His house free but I….am caged. I am humiliated. I am made to feel unequal and like nothing.

The hood I think will reinforce that feeling of being nothing…because there will be blackness. I will be cut off from the world. I will be this thing that He creates molds and uses.

He said that it will start out with me being caged while He is there then move to Him leaving for short time period and then moving up to where He cages me when He leaves for work and then letting me out when He comes home for lunch. I know eventually there will be days I will be caged all day while He is at work.

Everyone asks me what if I have to use the restroom….well….He and I have lots of fantasies of me pissing myself. And so I am sure I will be either having to hold it or pissing on myself. But I have not asked Him about this yet. I guess because it was not a concern of mine LOL But it is a question I keep getting asked.

I will not be allowed to use the furniture. I will learn to start drinking His urine. I will be enema trained. I will be high heel trained. I will have “uniforms” although at this time I am not quite sure what they are going to be like….but He showed me a site a while back that sold things to prisons such as restrains, clothing, bedding and such. There were basic, dull, ugly sack dresses that He showed me. Anyone who knows me knows I am a total girly girl so that will be VERY odd for me to be in something so dull.

I will be in restrains almost always with Him. He loves the idea of me being confined.

There will be 3 places I sleep…occasionally in His bed, the floor, or the cage. When in His bed or on the floor, I will be chained to the bed by one ankle.

These things will lead me to be “enslaved” by Him. All these things reinforcing that I am property and that I am a thing for His use, abuse and amusement.

As I write all this I am nervous and excited. I am so wet and turned on too *blushing*

Okay so….I am going to get what I asked for all these years…is this going to be one of those that that people say be careful what you wish for you might actually get it. :)

I was very embarrassed the other night…

He said He was out looking for buckets. And well I have had to use a bucket as my toilet before and so I know…what type of bucket works best…for me. And He has not done this before so I was inquiring what type of bucket He was getting and trying to subtle inquire what it was made of without having to….come out and say what I needed to get across to Him.


So, I finally I got it across to Him without saying what He said back (which He enjoyed saying to me so much….I could tell the Sadist in Him was out)

I don’t have our actual log in front of me but He said something like….

“Yes my fat piss slut the bucket will be sturdy.”

And I was ready to change the subject as He got what I was trying to say without me saying it but made me face the humiliation of what I was meaning. I wanted to crawl away and hide my face. But yet I was so wet and turned on. And I felt this click in me…like He reached out and said “Now I will push this button….see how easy it is to get you to react.”

He is sadistic and like humiliating me and wants to “hurt” me by inflicting pain on me. And yet He is the man that called me yesterday and calmed me down when I was having a bad day. His voice was calm and soothing and told me I would be safe and protected soon as I was feeling very uneasy and out-of-control. And soon my life will be extremely controlled and safe.

Okay on to other subjects….even though I could babble about Him and our life together for pages upon pages.

Oh….everyone keeps asking me if I will be keeping up my journal while there….the answer is YES! : ) It is very important to Him…that I have this medium to discuss, explore, record, contemplate all that will be going on with Him and I.

Next subject…Mistress DM has been on line a little bit more then she has since having her boi move in with her. We have chatted a few times and she asked me if I thought I would be going to Thunder in the Mountains. It is a big BDSM event in Denver. If things go as He and I hope, we will be there. It is very exciting to think about being owned…and going to that type of event. I have not went to an event – and served and been owned at the time since 1999. And that was…kind of an odd weekend.

The event is not even until July but people are already registering and making reservations. Their website is already up too….so you know it is a BIG event!

Hmm what next….I hung out with Katrina last night. Her and I had not had a chat session in a while. And I am glad I had some good quality time with her before I head to Him.

I had a conversation with M the other night. It was….maybe closure for both of us….moving on for both of us. I miss him. I think about him often. He knows this…with me even telling him. But now my path is heading another direction. M is someone that even though he was cruel and harsh. He cared in a way that I can’t explain and no one will probably see…that it was there but he did….but I also need a trust level he could not give me. Oddly enough…he would probably give me now. But he knows now I am going to Colorado. It was an odd conversation as usual with him…I can’t even remember it at this moment. I just remember after it…that I felt…that he and I where standing at this fork in the road and now he is going one way and I am going another.

I stopped writing for a little bit as He came home for lunch so we chatted online for a bit. After He left I got the baby oil and oiled my body. I do about once a week. I get lots of people tell me how soft my skin is….well here is my secret (not that they are profound or exciting)….I used Aveeno lotion daily. And then once a week I use baby oil all over. Also the place lots of people forget to lotion…is feet. I lotion and baby oil them also. But really I think the key is good lotion and using it DAILY. So that is my beauty tip for the day. *grins*

Okay so while I am rubbing baby oil on my legs I thought of massaging M….

M and I would be sitting in talking – not matter where if it was at His home or out and about at the park or a restaurant or just sitting in the car…and if I would get silent and have lots of thoughts going through me he would tell me to massage his hand….his arm…shoulders….or whatever and usually a few moments after I would start…I would start talking. It was his way to get me to talk.

It is like I had something to focus on so I could slow things down and talk. Todd did the same thing but kind of in reverse when something was going to be hard for me to do and he knew it….he would get me to start talking about just anything…and then I would forget about this hard thing I was having to do and then do it almost without thinking about it or being aware of it.

Nick just messaged. I have not talked to him in a while so I am going to end this journal entry, chat with him a bit….and then get ready for an evening with a friend. Tomorrow I am sure I will be going crazy…..excited – nervous – stressed with my packing and what not.

Wednesday, January 29, 2003

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Okay, enough is enough. Things are not going as badly as you may think. But that doesn’t prevent you from being hard on yourself. You’ve been practicing self-doubt and can now bring the art form to a new level of manifestation. Ease up on yourself. There are good things ready to happen if only you can remain open to the possibilities.

Tuesday, January 28, 2003

The current mood of at

Topic: Mostly Mindfulness in Plain English and Buddhism

I have been bursting into tears about every 15 minutes the last 2 days. I feel like I am having depression, but I believe it is just stress…

I am worrying about it feels like a million things…things I can’t control, things that are not worth stressing about and things that I should not be worrying about because it will take care of itself.

I have a lot of self-doubt right now…wondering if I can be a good submissive…slave, wondering if I will be able to take His sadism, wondering if I will be good enough to serve Him. : (

I feel like I have had all this good energy around me and all of sudden something came in and is trying to bring in blackness around me. But I also know if I let it is the only way it can get here. So, I am trying hard to focus on the positives. The biggest positive right now is Him. He really has been a great supporter of me…that I can do anything. And I really really appreciate that is so good to me.

Now…He probably thinks it is a little strange for me to be saying that….as I was pretty grumpy with Him this morning. I am not sure why but I just feel like fighting….getting the bad feelings out and He is my safe place to do that right now. But it is not fair.

So, right now I am going to write about things that make me feel good and clear out bad energy.

There is a quote in one of my journal entries…

No matter how hard you pursue pleasure and success, there are times when you fail. No matter how fast you flee, there are times when pain catches up with you. -Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness In Plain English”

Well one night I noticed someone found my journal for searching for that quote. And so I put in Mindfulness in Plain English that brought up the whole text of the book. Oh wow…both Him and I were…just sitting there reading the words and amazed. They were so powerful and intense. So, of course I am going to quote more here…

“The essence of our experience is change. Change is incessant. Moment by moment life flows by and it is never the same. Perpetual alteration is the essence of the perceptual universe. “

“You are not really touching life.”

“Our minds are full of opinions and criticisms. We have built walls all around ourselves and we are trapped in the prison of our own likes and dislikes. We suffer.”

“Meditation is a lot like cultivating a new land. To make a field out of a forest, fist you have to clear the trees and pull out the stumps. Then you till the soil and you fertilize it. Then you sow your seed and you harvest your crops. To cultivate your mind, first you have to clear out the various irritants that are in the way, pull them right out by the root so that they won’t grow back. Then you fertilize. You pump energy and discipline in the mental soil. Then you sow the seed and you harvest your crops of faith, morality, mindfulness and wisdom.”

I really like beliefs of Buddhism. The awareness of self…is very powerful.

I like how I can relate it back to how I want to serve. Such as the 4 Noble Truths…

1. Suffering exists
2. Suffering arises from attachment to desires
3. Suffering ceases when attachment to desire ceases
4. Freedom from suffering is possible by practicing the Eightfold Path

When I let go of my desires (not saying needs), then I will be able to surrender and serve more easily. But for me to do that is going to take a lot of work with and for Him. And also doing things to get more in touch with this spiritual side of me it will help strengthen my faith and help me serve Him better.

Here is the Noble Eightfold Path…

Right View
Right Thought
Right Speech
Right Action
Right Livelihood
Right Effort
Right Mindfulness
Right Contemplation

And the Eightfold Path to me helps in serving too. Keep my right view….I am here to serve Him. Right thought…He is my Owner. Right speech….Speak respectfully to Him. Right action….Serve Him obediently and gracefully. Right livelihood…Serve Him joyfully. Right effort…serving Him with all I have in me. Right mindfulness…being aware of what He expects and wants. Right contemplation…giving Him devotion and attention to Him and what He expects of his slave.

Now if it was that easy…but I do think meditation and keeping some of the things I learn about Buddhism would help me be a better slave.

Monday, January 27, 2003

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You can be your own worst enemy right now, although you could skillfully blame the circumstances on someone else. Ultimately it is your doing, even if this is playing out in the realm of relationships. Take responsibility for what you’ve said and the impact that it has had on others.
Just opened my mail to bad ex-husband's Grandmother died.....I am not doing good. She was always very good to me. A very nice lady. :(

Sunday, January 26, 2003

The current mood of at

Hmm let’s see…Thursday was dinner, Friday night I went to a movie and dinner with Moni and Michael. We went to see Chicago. It was pretty good. It was interesting to see Richard Gere tap dancing and singing. Catherine Zeta-Jones looked very yummy! :)

Then Saturday Moni and I went shopping and then she made tacos for dinner. They are very very yummy!

It was Carpe Diem last night…so we went to that and then I got to buy toys at 50% off. I bought a mini-rabbit and a mini-buffalo flogger, plus a long braid tail flogger without knots on the ends. All of it for $75! All of the items are very good quality.

I then went to a play party….of course. And I played with someone new that I had not played with before but approached about playing a couple months ago. He used the single tail mostly on me and I loved it. I was worried because when we first started to play I was not getting in the right mind set but then….once he started using the single tail then…of course I was very responsive to that *grins*

It got cold so we had to stop. It was very nice though and I enjoyed scening with him as I usually just play with Moni, Michael or Bill.

There was one point when I was not getting to my space and I almost felt like….emotionally some stuff was coming up. And I almost yellowed and asked for Bill. As I needed…someone safe to tell me it was going to be okay. But I then just took a few deep breathes and also I think the person I was playing with realized I was not going where I needed to go and he came and talked to me a bit and after he did I seemed to be okay. So that was good.

The person I played with is very nice. He is a good Top and very nice man. I hope he enjoyed our scene as much as I enjoyed it.

Something that has happened probably within the last month or maybe a little over a month is I am comfortable with Bill and Lisa. Now don’t think I was not comfortable before….but…I am kind of in a place with them that I am with ">Grumbler and wench. They are family. I trust them with my life. I know they would never hurt me. I love them like I do Grumbler and wench. I like spending time with them. I like being a part of them….as it kind of feels like I am right now.


Well….now to Sunday…it has been a lazy day. I have been talking to Him all day. It has been really good conversations. I have given Him scenarios and asked how He would react to them.

One question I have asked lots before….is….

A Master & slave are getting ready to go to a bdsm meeting and are asked to pick up the pizza/snacks before hand. The slave is dressed very revealing and slutty. They pull up to the pizza place and he tells her to go get the pizza. She starts crying, begging and having an anxiety attack. This is not just her trying to get out of it. It is a near a level of she is going to/could safe word. So how do you handle it?

I have had all sorts of answers but only 1 person answered it the way I wanted it answered. I wanted them to say….that they would discuss what was going on….and try to address her fears.

He answered…differently. But I liked His answer a lot. So, I said that I liked His answer but explained to Him the answer that I was seeking. He said that would not work with me because when I am in that kind of state I can’t communicate.

I sat here looking at the answer and was like OMG…He is right. He is totally right.

So it is kind of scary that He knows me better then I do. *smiles*

I was suppose to go to a Super Bowl party in Cleveland tonight but with it being cold and having snowed again…I am staying here to hang out with Moni.

I can’t think of anything else I want to address *right* now but I know of course as usual I could find endless amount of things to babble on and on about….especially all the wonderful thoughts I am having about Him and visiting Him.
LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): The action in your life now may mostly be coming from your inner reaches. Even if you are quite busy and are involved in a lot of interpersonal dynamics, pay attention to your own thoughts and feelings. Everything else is a reflection of your own process. Push up against the outer restrictions, but realize that you are really pushing against yourself.

Saturday, January 25, 2003

Topic: LONG ENTRY...mostly about Perception, Reality, and Truth

I was not able to get to anyone’s blogger for almost 2 days this week. It was very frustrating. He wrote a blog entry that I, of course, became little girl and begged Daddy to cut and paste it for me, so I had a chance to read it. But other blogger's I read I could not get to I was pouting. I know it was not a blogger issue as He was able to get to mine with no problem. Blogger ate my archives again. So....November and December 2002 will be showing up on my tripod site soon.

I shared a conversation I had back in October with Him last a few mornings ago. It was about implied promises. I shared the conversation with him as I thought it would help explain a lot of how I feel about the person involved in the conversation with me.

After he read it, he said when you bring your car into get it fixed...there are implied promise that they will fix your car. He got it. : ) I like that he understands what I meant. It was exactly true. I felt the person that I had that convo with had given me implied promises of the future. He said we could go on and on about this idea of implied promises but at that time He needed to get to work.

So that conversation leads me email I got several weeks ago. It is not related to the topic of implied promises but oh well...I understand why I can go from that topic to this next one.

I got an email a several weeks ago after I wrote something in my journal. The email basically said that I was not being “truthful” about what I said in that entry...I gave it a quick thought and went...hmmm maybe she is right. But really did not give it a lot of thought as it was my journal and I say what I think and feel at the time - most of the time. I started thinking about it after the person and I chatted online. And being Sherlock Holmes girl...I went through my archives and found out that I actually had been online way more then I thought. There were a definite 4 weeks of when I was not online as much 2 of which were when I was in Detroit seeing j and then the last 2 when I was in Minneapolis seeing my parents. But even at both places I was able to check my email and at my parents I did have yahoo messenger on. So, I did the whole time have ways to be contacted if contact was wanted.

So I have been talking to Him about what is the truth...who is right and wrong. And He believes we both are to an extent and believes it is perception. That email and im though spawned a discussion between Him and I about perception being reality.

It was a really good conversation.

What started it was me asking this...

What I see and believe to me can be true. Just because someone else does not see it....does not mean it is not true right? Or am I wrong?

He used the analogy of faith. He said, “What is faith? It is a personally held belief in a truth. When others of a different faith preach a different truth they may coincide (i.e the various forms of Christianity for instance) or they may collide: Christianity vs. Islam. Does that mean one belief is better or more "knowing" than the other?? I don't think that way because it's personal.”

So to me that is perception...Christians have the perception their faith is “it” and others of different faiths feel theirs is “it.”

So is the perception the truth? Because then in this instance there are more then one beliefs that are true.

The debate why perception is reality continues.

He says, “How can you experience reality without perception?? Using the definition quoted from per•cep•tion ( P ) pronunciation Key (pr-spshn) n. The process, act, or faculty of perceiving. The effect or product of perceiving. Psychology. Recognition and interpretation of sensory stimuli based chiefly on memory. The neurological processes by which such recognition and interpretation are effected. Insight, intuition, or knowledge gained by perceiving. The capacity for such insight. If you are devoid of perception -- how do you experience reality??”

I agree with that.

I brought up the conversation again yesterday as I told Him I was going to write about it in my blogger. I also think about my motivations behind some posts because...this does contain some personal conversation. But as I have said in the past if I am hanging on to something I guess I feel I need to get it out and so this is the place to do it...since it is my journal that I write for me.

We continued the perception is reality conversation yesterday...

Here is the conversation:
Him: the phone is ringing -- that's what you
perceive... Is it real??
me: yes....
Him: do you see it ringing??
me: well on this phone lights up...
me: as well as ringing
Him: so your perceptions can hear and see that the phone rings.
me: yes Him
Him: If you're not in the same room as the phone -- you hear the phone ringing -- are you sure it's not coming from the TV??
me: lol okay true I guess it could be the TV but....usually I have found that my phone sounds differently then...the on the TV only time that was different is with my cell phone lol where I thought I was ringing and it was on TV
Him: exactly...
Him: you perceived that your phone was ringing.
Him: your reality said "answer the phone – your phone is ringing"
Him: then
Him: you saw that it was a phone on TV and not your phone. Your reality changed because you perceived that "oh wait - the phone is on TV, not my phone"
me: okay but to me that is saying I perceived the phone was ringing but reality said it was not. So perception is not reality
Him: *laughs* the truth and reality was that your phone was not ringing... your perception of the event was inaccurate until you discovered that the phone was ringing on TV.
me: okay but that still says to me that perception is not reality
Him: it still is reality -- because you relied on your perception to interpret events (in this case, the phone ringing) and were going to act upon it had you not perceived that it was on TV and was not your
me: hmmmm okay
Him: see
Him: Our perceptions change constantly -- its how we react to what's going on.
Him: When we drive down the road -- there are over 200 possible perception changes that our minds comprehend...
Him: One or several can change how we react to a given circumstance.
Him: We perceive based on input but also through experience...
Him: "if there's a cat on the side of the road, experience tells us that it can dart out in front of us while we're driving."
Him: we react to the cat based on our perception and experience and knowledge.
Him: It doesn't mean that every single time I drive down the road -- the cat is going to run out in front of me -- but I perceive that it could and hence I react accordingly.

I know that...I look back at places in my life where my perception was my reality. Is that justification? No, it is not. There is a difference.

I was given a Issac Bonewit. This is a quote about The Law of Personal Universes. “Every sentient being lives in and quite possibly creates a unique universe which can never be 100% identical to that lived in by another. So-called “reality” is a matter of consensus opinions. There is no single “reality" that exists whether people like it or not – that odd idea is popular due to the monotheistic theologies and the Scientism they spawned – instead there are multiple and frequently contradictory realities all existing simultaneously.”

I basically agree with that...

I do know that I really pretty much believe that my perceptions are my reality. And I am happy that I do... I know if I did not accept that…I would constantly remain in a state of flux and I might always be confused, over-examining, and analyzing to the point of shut down. *grin* oh is that how things are? Well it might be how things are...but it is my perception, my life and my reality.

Friday, January 24, 2003

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): On the surface it seems that you can talk your way through this little glitch. But it’s not just a little glitch, for the more you talk and the more emails you write, the more intense the situation becomes. Your gut is telling you one thing, but you are being pulled in a different direction. Don’t waste energy fighting the prevailing tide. Resist less and concentrate on feeling more.
Okay I have a long entry started….it is mostly perception, truth and reality. A topic I said I would come back to.

But right now I want to gush for a few moments…

He is GREAT…I am really very lucky to have found someone who lets me be me….

Last night I had dinner with a friend and the conversation I had with the friend was hard for me. I had to be assertive and in control…which I can do and do often, but the situation was kind of different and so stressful to me.

I came to Moni’s after leaving my friend…and signed online. I instantly went to little girl with Him. I wanted to be safe with Daddy and I wanted to make Daddy feel good and thus those feelings would make me feel good, safe and protected (which was something I needed).

So, I fell into it right away and he just went with it. It was soooo nice. I hope that when we are together it is this easy. It felt so right and easy. I felt so good to just express this part of me and for Him to want it as much as I.

8 days and I will be there with Him…

I am very nervous, but excited of course too. A mutual friend told Him this morning I should be nervous lol Thank you deary!

Thursday, January 23, 2003

I read this....and am thinking about it.....and remember that I was going to post on perception, trut and reality. I think I will tomorrow. :)

Found this on....Jade's journal

11:38 pm - I can hear the screams already.

I have come to an understanding.

Dominance exists only in the perceptions of an other. You may see yourself as dominant, or as a toaster, and that matters not a whit to anyone else, unless their perception of you aligns with your self perception.

This is why it's so utterly vital to carry oneself in accordance with what you wish to become.


Tuesday, January 21, 2003

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Haven’t you been over this one before? Maybe Nietzsche was right when he suggested that we live in a cycle of eternal recurrence, revisiting the same issues again and again. But this is a chance for you Librans to break out of your old patterns. It may not happen today, but what you start now can develop into something important.

Monday, January 20, 2003

I love this comment on Salsuginous' Journal.....

It makes sense to me.

Also...I updated the cast list...beware it might change again...making the changes I did when sleepy....that is dangerous!
LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): It almost doesn’t matter what’s going on for you now, for you’ll be able to make the sweetest lemon meringue pie out of the sourest lemons. At the other extreme, if you are handed the right ingredients, you’ll be able to create the beauty you’ve always dreamed of. And, your creation will be appreciated by your peers.
The current mood of at

Music: Madness ~ Total Madness - the very best of Madness
Topics: SMART Fest, Soulhuntre & Kimiko, and Him

Friday - I did some last minute SMART Fest things and then packed. Bill came home from work and then we left to head to Cleveland. The weather was getting kind of icky…but we got there before it got really bad.

So I am going to be a giggly groupie for a moment….*grins* My room was next to Soulhuntre’s and Kimiko’s lol

Bill and I checked in and then…I went and helped out with some setting up before changing. At the opening ceremonies I got to see lots of people I had not seen in a long time and that was awesome. Several people who read my journal were there….and got on my case about not writing much lately. One person I was really so excited about seeing told me to say hi….so…Hello to Jim in Chicago from me (not the same Jim as my ex - husband obviously - as my ex would never be at a BDSM event lol).

After that Moni, Michael, Bill and Lisa went to dinner and then to see Dita

She was very beautiful and sensual. There was a stripper after her…that I really enjoyed watching also. She was a fetish girl too…she looked very much like Betty Page. I was drooling : ) And all those bisexual urges were very much upfront….which of course made me think of Him and our issues with me being bisexual.

Then Saturday - I went to some classes…the first one was Caning. And the speaker and her submissives were just delightful. That is the only word to describe them. They all were so much fun. The speaker was MztrsCarol and she runs the Galleria Domain. I would love to go see Jim in Chicago and go to GD.

After that class…I then went to the Mind of a Slave. It was a good talk…it was more the speaker’s story…the story of his life…which I did not mind but wished it had said that is what it was going to be about.

Then after that class…it was a lunch break. I went to see if Fest crew needed me to do anything. And ended up just hanging out and talking. The next class I went to was Kimiko’s on Service First. She did a great job. I know she was really nervous but she did great : ) And I of course enjoyed hearing her speak.

The class after hers I did not go to either and went to hang out with the Fest crew to see again if anything was needed from me. But just hung out and talked before the last class, which was Soulhuntre’s and it was also very good. Many things he talked about remind me of my stay in Detroit. I think both of them need to talk and will be writing them to let them know about each other.

After the classes Bill, Lisa and I ordered room service and then….got dressed to go to the play party. I dressed like a little girl in a black and white baby doll, black tights, black mary janes, and my hair in braids that Lisa looped up for me and then tied black and white ribbons around them. I carried my new teddy bear around too…it is the teddy bear Bill and Lisa gave me for Christmas. I have not named him yet. I had them take a picture of me so I can send it to Him.

We got to the party and I had not been to the Haus Berlin in a long time. It has changed lots and is a very nice dungeon. I watched friends get beat. I ended up talking to Soulhuntre and Kimiko most of the night. It was nice. offend some….I thought our conservative Cleveland scene might be a little vanilla to them…but they said it was much like it is everywhere else. I thought that was interesting.

Body Works had some people on site….and they did a “show” with hooks through to guys and then they basically played tug-o-war between each other with rope. The energy was very masochistic…and it made me feel so….yummy just watching it. Needles & piercings are not really anything I am jumping up to experience but wow….that was very cool and intense. I loved it watching it.

Not going to talk about anything else because it is a “privacy” thing but…I do know that the people from Body Works do this…and it is a “show” so…not like it is private.

I did not play. He had given me permission to play with Bill, but not anyone else. There were several people (after being there) that I would not have minded playing with but was very happy that I just hung out and talked with Soulhuntre and Kimiko.

Okay so….what surprised me…

Well Soulhuntre definitely did…he comes across online as such a hard ass. He talks about subjects with such…black and white opinions that it surprised me he was so casual and approachable. I did not feel uncomfortable or intimidated by him at all. He is very funny and that sense of humor does not come across very well online either.

Both him and Kimiko look much different in person then they do online too. He was very handsome and she was very cute and sexy. Check her out on

I am very happy that I got a chance to meet them. I have followed them around online for years. I think I read Soulhuntre on one list about 8 years ago and that is when I realized that I wanted/needed to be a slave. That I wanted to live 24/7. I know that I am not cut out to be the type of service-oriented slave that Kimiko is…but I admire her dedication. I know she struggles, but I guess that helps me understand that it is not easy. That it does not come over night. That we are human even though we want this life…it is not easy.

So….that was them. They are great….check out all the links about them…and also check out The Estate. It is their training house.

Okay so while I was busy with SMART Fest….He went to look for cages for me….and did not find anything He liked…so built one. It is almost done. Yeah….OMG!! LOL *blushing* I am gone for 2 days and He builds a cage….am I in trouble or what??? *smiles*

I missed Him like crazy. He called on Sunday when Moni, Michael, Bill, Lisa and I were all at breakfast at Denny’s….and so they ALL talked with Him on the phone. I was dying of course ….which he loved.

I was really busy last week….but I am happy. I have some good things happening in my life right now. I have my trip to see Him to look forward to, I have good friends, work right now and then lots of other little things that just add up to good things happening. And I like that…

I do go through my doubts still…

Last night He and I had a conversation about one of His fetishes that is something I am not looking forward to at all.

It lead us to a conversation about the car analogy that I have used before. You have to take care of your care to make sure it runs properly and you would not take a sports car out to do 4 wheeling in the desert.

And the feeling I get is….that He might. And that bothers me. It bothers me that He would “ruin” His sports car.

Now to go on….the Man is building me a cage and worrying about what paint He should use for me to be in it long term. He has a shed and thought about that it was not properly ventilated so obviously He does care for His car.

The fetish He has that….I will hate doing and it will be an act of submission is….He has a clothing fetish. I am a big girl and He likes the thought of not only putting me in mismatching clothing and things that are just not “right” to wear but also clothes that are too tight and making me go out in public like that…showing off my “fat”….now please no emails about this. It will not damage my self-esteem - it is for humiliation and degradation and that is what will happen. I am very comfortable in my skin….so I can’t imagine it damaging my self-esteem at all.

So He has thoughts of making me wear spandex and tight shirts….wearing shorts with hose….wearing light blue eye shadow….and so on. I am a BIG girly girl….and so making me do these things will be bring me down….and that is exactly what He wants.

Doing these things for Him will be big act of submission for me. I will hate every moment of it. And doing STRICTLY for Him. And that is good but…you know I am human. And so to me there is a fine line between bringing me down and hurting me emotionally.

And I struggle with the fact that….part of me truly thinks…I just need to do what he says and “make” it right for Him. And the other part says….there is just some things that are not okay for *ME* - and what is right?

I believe I know what I want…and need. I have wrote about it lots here. But just because I know what I want does not stop doubts or thinking of situations and wondering what will happen. I obviously can’t know what will happen in each situation we go through.

I know…I am excited to go be with Him…and I know it will just take time to learn each other. I guess that is why we decided a month was a good time period for me to visit.

Time for me to end this…for now.
The highest form of grace is silence. -Swami Chinmayananda

Sunday, January 19, 2003

I am just going to do a quickie as usual lately....


SMART Fest was GREAT :) I have to really thank the people at SMART who work so hard.....since I have not got permission to name them.....they know who they are...last years trustee's just knocked themselves out for SMART and SMART Fest. And I really want to thank them for fulfilling 2 of my dreams.....I have met Laura Antoniou and now Soulhuntre and Kimiko. woohooo for me! *grins*

I pretty much monoplized their time last night, but I am glad I had that time to talk to them. They are really great people. So personable, approachable and down to earth. Kimiko is so sweet and cute. And Soulhuntre is very funny. Why these things surprise me I am not sure lol

Oh and I also got to see another person I have always wanted to see on Friday....Dita :) She was here all weekend at a strip Friday night a group of us went and saw her midnight show.

Well I am talking to Him online....I missed Him so much. I wished so often He had been with me at SMART Fest. But less then 2 weeks now...I will be there with Him. :)

I will write more later on the whole event and thoughts and catch up on other things as I got lectured by quite a few people in the last 4 days about not blogging much these days lol

Thursday, January 16, 2003

I am just up for a little while....before I go back to bed. I laid down for about 40 mins and then got up to do my "family" duties :) I have a real short of patience though this morning. :(

I feel like a big weight is off my shoulders now that I finally got the SMART Fest program done. yippeee!

Stealing from His 16 days 2 people are going to have lots of butterflies. The last few days the reality of being with Him has set in. He has been really amazing this week. We have had bumps but he does not seem to give up on me. And he keeps supporting, guiding and caring for me. I had lots to do this week and he helped keep me focused and on my path and I need that so much...I am very lucky.

I had not talked to Nick in a while and heard from him in the midst of all my SMART Fest stuff so I had to tell him I would talk to him later....I just needed to stay focused and when Nick and I talk it is never a short quick the last few days I would not have been able to give him the focus I needed too.

Well...I am going to go lay down and wait for Him to message.

Just going to bed..... *sigh*

Tuesday, January 14, 2003

For some reason I have liked this song...and then Tori Amos' A Sorted I decided to look up are Avril Lavigne's

I'm With You

I'm standing on a bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

I'm looking for a place
Searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
'Cause nothing's going right
And everythigns a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Oh why is everything so confusing
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Yea yea yea

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm with you...
I am writing a quickie again.....

Just to say.....

He booked my ticket today......I am smiling but of course but also have butterflies in my stomach.... is really going to happen! :)

Monday, January 13, 2003

Just a quickie to say I am alive but very busy so if you have wrote me…know I probably will not be answering it until later in the week or AFTER SMART Fest.

I am having lots of computer problems today of course when I am trying to do SMART Fest work! So I am taking a break….from my frustrations.

I had a good and bad weekend. Friday was stressful….but I had a friend help me process some of what I was needing to see and think about and I am very thankful to my friend. Saturday I spent with Moni all day so that was good. It was a nice day. Nothing stressful. Just hanging out and following Moni around LOL

Him and I had a big talk last night that did not end well at all….about me being bisexual. I am not sure why I had not thought to bring it up before but oh well….now we are going to have to deal with it.

I get nervous because I feel He expects a lot of me right away and I am…not sure I can give like I have in the past. I think it is something that is going to have to be worked toward and built on. I then start to question if I am I can be a slave…..I know I am submissive but will I ever be able to be enslaved with all the baggage.

I have done some really good work on letting go of the past...anyone who knows me I save everything….I have deleted a lot of emails…from people in my past. I took several people off my buddy lists. So, I am taking some baby steps.

I bought a new tarot set last night….it is more of a basic set so I can start learning it more.

Okay I guess I will sign off on this one and do a longer one after SMART Fest….: )

Thursday, January 09, 2003

I know I know I have been terrible at blogging this week......

And this week of all weeks I have tons of things to write about...but alas tonight is not the night to get to them either. Tonight I am just to tired...but had fun tonight. But need to get some sleep as a I have long weekend ahead of me.

Quickly jotting off topics to be coming up soon......1) Perception, truth, reality 2) Osho Zen tarot readings 3) Mindfulness in Plain English 4) Expectations, pressure, trust, 5) Him 6) SMART Fest...

I am going to be kind of out of touch this weekend....staying at Moni's :) Her and I need catch up time. So I am not write until Sunday or Monday. I need to get SMART Fest stuff done though so it might Tuesday or Wednesday :( I hate when I am not able to write...

I am craving it right now...

So this will have to do...just a little quickie.

Saturday, January 04, 2003

I am back in Ohio….*yippee*

I really did enjoy my time with my family. I love them very much and was happy to see them even though I dreaded it also.

I am tired of course. There was a guy sitting behind me on the plane that was sick with the flu and so that was not pleasant. So I hope I don’t get sick between him and my mom I am a little worried I might get sick. : (

I was just unpacking some…I can’t believe how many presents I got…

I got some clothing…a really pretty skirt and velvet blouse and then 2 skirts - one black and ivory plaid and then black jersey knit skirt, plus a black ¾ length sleeve top that looks very nice with the black and ivory skirt.

I then got a Christmas tree ornament that is part of a series…at Hallmark. My Mom started me on the Christmas tree ornaments the first year in the series and out of the 19 issued I think I am missing 2 or 3 of them. I hope to get those 2 or 3 of them someday.

I then also got 2 big towels…I wanted some new towels. I have a towel that I got for a high school graduation present that I still have…it is a big bath sheet with my name embroidered on it. And it is starting to look a little worn out. So I don’t want to lose it completely so I have put it away so that I don’t use it anymore.

BTW I am 35 and I got the towel when I was 18 so…do the math! LOL

I also got Michael Parkes calendar, 2 big soup bowls with plaid trim, a gift certificate to target and another to Lane Bryant, red leather heart key chain, a black and gray striped scarf, 2 angel ornaments, cosmetic bags - zebra print with red patent trim, black pinky ring, really cool pendent that is black onyx on one side and mother of pearl on the other site - hanging from a sterling silver twist rope necklace, $10 gift certificate to Barnes and Noble, journal, carmel apple candles, flannel pj bottoms, panties, tights, red bra, clip watch (to hang off my purse since I can't wear watches since I break out from them) and a down throw blanket.

I think that is it....OMG I can't believe I got so much. My family was way to generous. I know they just wanted me to have a good Christmas since I did not have a very good year.

I went shopping yesterday with my mom and sister and I found a totally cool top that I might go back and get. It was very sexy. It was black see through with little pinkish roses on it. The middle had laces that when you pulled on them it pulled the middle of the top together creating a very cool affect and accentuated the positives lol

I think it was very sexy and I would really like to have it. It would look very nice with a black skirt.

Okay on to Him...

We have - of course - grown very close....

I keep wondering when the other shoe is going to drop....

I do have doubts and some are...I believe...legit doubts. But just because I have some doubts does not mean it won't work.

I keep doing the....He is a NICE guy...

I go for that bad boy...image usually.

But really that bad boy type never seems to end up to be the right kind of guy for me.

He is NICE but also SADISTIC. The level of humiliation, objectification and degradation he wants is so intense and deep.

My life with Him would be very controlled. No privacy, no independence…I want it and yet I am so very scared of it.

Our talks lately are not even on pain or scenes or sex…it is about control. Day in and day out control he would have….over me. That is more intense then a scene.

He has had control of my masturbating….which often becomes an issue for me…because I am very sexual. I *need* sex in my life.

Sex has always been a big part of my life. I have been a sexual being for the majority of my life. Anyway, I went to Him tonight wishing to discuss the masturbation topic. And until He and I finish that discussion…I am not going to write about it anymore but will after He comes to a decision.

I thought of this because Heather Corinna has a good post on Jan. 2nd - topic Sex is good!

I am playing catch up on lots of my regular journal readings…Bleu has some good entries also…

Here are some quotes from it…

From 12-31-02 -- “I'm going to get it all back. Even if I have to to rip out all of the wiring myself even if I have to scrub this spot off of me until I bleed.”

From 1-1-03 -- boy can I relate to this…
“I'm being mildly defiant to see if he's the same man who sticks to his guns. He's saying things to me that make no sense and waiting to see how long it takes me to acquiesce. And to see if I'm getting faster at it. And to see if he just digs his heels in harder.”

From 1-4-03 -- Passage from The Prophet by Kahlil Gabrian

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

I put a passage in bold because that part really stood out to me.

Anyway check out Bleu’s journal.

I missed music at my parents. Bill and Lisa dropped me off at home. They don’t have kids tonight so they went out on a date : ) I of course signed online right away but I also turned on music. I am playing a mix…Kylie Monique, Michelle Branch, Kendall Payne, Norah Jones, Sixpence None the Richer, Sarah MacLachlan, Amiee Mann, Tina Arena, Dayna Manning, Tori Amos, k.d. lang and many more : ) all female artist tonight.

Well He is online…so I am going to go chat with Him….adore Him….as I need to right in this moment…and I hope for a long time to come...

Thursday, January 02, 2003

It is the new year. I have some tasks set out for the beginning of this year that I need to take care of….to let go and move on. It is Thursday and I leave on Saturday. I am looking forward to having some structure to my day again. I am able to focus more. I need the focus. As much as my life is chaotic it has very much together in a way that suites me.

I do look forward to a more structured life though…

I look forward to meeting Him in person.

I am not sure what to be writing about. I feel a little out of sorts and I just think that is because I am not in Ohio and I feel odd when I am not near…my things and foundation of who I am.

I look forward to moving on though and moving into the life I want…

I am feeling a little neurotic today. I have not really felt like this in a while. I mean think about the last time I even wrote that I was neurotic…weird huh?

I am needing something stable to ground me…I think I am moving to the next level of my life. And that is a good thing. I am really really looking forward to the future.

Even though I am so very scared of it too….lol

Wednesday, January 01, 2003

Horoscope for today....LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Whatever hurt you’ve endured, now it’s time to let go of the past, especially around home and family issues. Of course, it’s easier to say this than to actually do it, but the way is through communication. Don’t expect to fix everything with one quick conversation. This is a long-term project.
Happy New Year!

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.
- Lord Tennyson
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