danae

I am back in Ohio….*yippee*

I really did enjoy my time with my family. I love them very much and was happy to see them even though I dreaded it also.

I am tired of course. There was a guy sitting behind me on the plane that was sick with the flu and so that was not pleasant. So I hope I don’t get sick between him and my mom I am a little worried I might get sick. : (

I was just unpacking some…I can’t believe how many presents I got…

I got some clothing…a really pretty skirt and velvet blouse and then 2 skirts - one black and ivory plaid and then black jersey knit skirt, plus a black ¾ length sleeve top that looks very nice with the black and ivory skirt.

I then got a Christmas tree ornament that is part of a series…at Hallmark. My Mom started me on the Christmas tree ornaments the first year in the series and out of the 19 issued I think I am missing 2 or 3 of them. I hope to get those 2 or 3 of them someday.

I then also got 2 big towels…I wanted some new towels. I have a towel that I got for a high school graduation present that I still have…it is a big bath sheet with my name embroidered on it. And it is starting to look a little worn out. So I don’t want to lose it completely so I have put it away so that I don’t use it anymore.

BTW I am 35 and I got the towel when I was 18 so…do the math! LOL

I also got Michael Parkes calendar, 2 big soup bowls with plaid trim, a gift certificate to target and another to Lane Bryant, red leather heart key chain, a black and gray striped scarf, 2 angel ornaments, cosmetic bags - zebra print with red patent trim, black pinky ring, really cool pendent that is black onyx on one side and mother of pearl on the other site - hanging from a sterling silver twist rope necklace, $10 gift certificate to Barnes and Noble, journal, carmel apple candles, flannel pj bottoms, panties, tights, red bra, clip watch (to hang off my purse since I can't wear watches since I break out from them) and a down throw blanket.

I think that is it....OMG I can't believe I got so much. My family was way to generous. I know they just wanted me to have a good Christmas since I did not have a very good year.

I went shopping yesterday with my mom and sister and I found a totally cool top that I might go back and get. It was very sexy. It was black see through with little pinkish roses on it. The middle had laces that when you pulled on them it pulled the middle of the top together creating a very cool affect and accentuated the positives lol

I think it was very sexy and I would really like to have it. It would look very nice with a black skirt.

Okay on to Him...

We have - of course - grown very close....

I keep wondering when the other shoe is going to drop....

I do have doubts and some are...I believe...legit doubts. But just because I have some doubts does not mean it won't work.

I keep doing the....He is a NICE guy...

I go for that bad boy...image usually.

But really that bad boy type never seems to end up to be the right kind of guy for me.

He is NICE but also SADISTIC. The level of humiliation, objectification and degradation he wants is so intense and deep.

My life with Him would be very controlled. No privacy, no independence…I want it and yet I am so very scared of it.

Our talks lately are not even on pain or scenes or sex…it is about control. Day in and day out control he would have….over me. That is more intense then a scene.

He has had control of my masturbating….which often becomes an issue for me…because I am very sexual. I *need* sex in my life.

Sex has always been a big part of my life. I have been a sexual being for the majority of my life. Anyway, I went to Him tonight wishing to discuss the masturbation topic. And until He and I finish that discussion…I am not going to write about it anymore but will after He comes to a decision.

I thought of this because Heather Corinna has a good post on Jan. 2nd - topic Sex is good!

I am playing catch up on lots of my regular journal readings…Bleu has some good entries also…

Here are some quotes from it…

From 12-31-02 -- “I'm going to get it all back. Even if I have to to rip out all of the wiring myself even if I have to scrub this spot off of me until I bleed.”

From 1-1-03 -- boy can I relate to this…
“I'm being mildly defiant to see if he's the same man who sticks to his guns. He's saying things to me that make no sense and waiting to see how long it takes me to acquiesce. And to see if I'm getting faster at it. And to see if he just digs his heels in harder.”

From 1-4-03 -- Passage from The Prophet by Kahlil Gabrian

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

I put a passage in bold because that part really stood out to me.

Anyway check out Bleu’s journal.

I missed music at my parents. Bill and Lisa dropped me off at home. They don’t have kids tonight so they went out on a date : ) I of course signed online right away but I also turned on music. I am playing a mix…Kylie Monique, Michelle Branch, Kendall Payne, Norah Jones, Sixpence None the Richer, Sarah MacLachlan, Amiee Mann, Tina Arena, Dayna Manning, Tori Amos, k.d. lang and many more : ) all female artist tonight.

Well He is online…so I am going to go chat with Him….adore Him….as I need to right in this moment…and I hope for a long time to come...