Thursday, February 28, 2002

Work Stress

Music: U2 - Best of 1980-1990


This past 7 days has been beyond words.

Wednesday night after the Grammy's a weight was lifted from my shoulders. Not to say there is still not stress least not as much now.

So now I need to decide the next step of my life. Which of course is another stress in it self.

I have chatted with lots of friends lately about everything that is going on. I have chatted with Sir Nick several times this week. He has been VERY supportive and he has had lots going on in his life so I am very grateful to have him standing by my side right now.

Honey also called me right away after I emailed her Saturday morning. She offered to fly here or have me go there.

I go through times where I push everyone away and just hide out. It is a time right now where I would like to do that and so far everyone has been great!

Moni messaged me right away see how I was doing. And at that point I was basically laughing, as it was easier then starting to cry.

I was going to do a long post on D/s topics today but my mind was wondering lots. I had been thinking of failing, succeeding, progressing....reactance theory. And then a quote that Mistress DM found and posted on her journal....."Possession rather than obedience is the defining quality of slavery; obedience rather than possession is the defining quality of submission."

The Internal Enslavement website has been one of my favorites for a while. Kevin sent me it not to long ago also as many of the things said on the Internal Enslavement FAQ are words that could have and have come from him mouth.

Listening to U2......there was a U2 concert on VH1 tonight and I was I think I could have had an orgasm just watching it lol Bono pulled a girl up on stage and was lying on the stage singing and kind of just holding her. And I was moaning lol Kam would look over at me with a weird look on his face. :) I remember Jim bought me tickets to U2 concerts both times were birthday presents and one concert was actually on my birthday. After the concert on vh1...they did a behind the music thing with U2. And the dancer that went on that tour - I remember Bono announced it was her birthday that day too. Well that dancer and The Edge married. I thought that was an interesting little tidbit.

It is 4:43am and I am up....

My mind is spinning.....

What will I do now?

I was fine when I first started writing as now I am starting to feel down. There are so many things that disappeared from my life in the past 7, many more things......

good night...


Wednesday, February 27, 2002


When I logging off aol tonight this is a quote it put up........

"What loneliness is more lonely than distrust?" ~ George Eliot

Alanis Morisette

Music: Alanis Morisette ~ Jagged Little Pill

I saw behind the music tonight of Alanis Morisette.........and when this song came on and I listened to the lyrics I think for the first time tongiht...

You Oughta Know
From Jagged Little Pill

I want you to know that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she as perverted as me
Would she go down on you in a theater?
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she would make a really excellent mother

Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died 'til you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me of the cross i bare that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap on the face how quickly i was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

Cause the joke that you laid in the bed that was me
And i'm not going to fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it ...can you feel it?

Okay I was looking for the lyrics for You Oughta Know....and I came across another Alanis site and music started playing right away. I listened to the song catching some of the lyrics and really liking it.........but now that I have read them wow.....*smiles* From the cd under swept rug. Just all the titles of the songs looks like a cd I need.....


Dear momma's boy I know you've had your butt licked by your mother
I know you've enjoyed all that attention from her
And every woman graced with your presence after
Dear narcissus boy I know you've never really apologized for anything
I know you've never really taken responsibility
I know you've never really listened to a woman

Dear me-show boy I know you're not really into conflict resolution
Or seeing both sides of every equation
Or having an uninterrupted conversation

And any talk of healthiness
And any talk of connectedness
And any talk of resolving this
Leaves you running for the door

(why why do I try to love you
Try to love you when you really don't want me

Dear egotist boy you've never really had to suffer any consequence
You've never stayed with anyone longer than ten minutes
You'd never understand anyone showing resistance
Dear popular boy I know you're used to getting everything so easily
A stranger to the concept of reciprocity
People honor boys like you in this society

And any talk of selflessness
And any talk of working at this
And any talk of being of service
Leaves you running for the door

(why why do I try to help you try to help you
When you really don't want me to)

You go back to the women who will dance the dance
You go back to your friends who will lick your ass
You go back to ignoring all the rest of us
You go back to the center of your universe

Dear self centered boy I don't know why I still feel affected by you
I've never lasted very long with someone like you
I never did although I have to admit I wanted to
Dear magnetic boy you've never been with anyone who doesn't take your shit
You've never been with anyone who's dared to call you on it
I wonder how you'd be if someone were to call you on it

And any talk of willingness
And any talk of both feet in
And any talk of commitment
Leaves you running for the door

(why why do I try to change you try to
Try to change you when you really don't
Want me to)

You go back to the women who will dance the dance
You go back to your friends who will lick your ass
You go back to being so oblivious
You go back to the center of the universe

Tuesday, February 26, 2002

Need Closure

Music: Melissa Etheridge ~ Skin

I am tired. All the stress I have been going through is really wearing on me. I should write about lots going on and feelings but just sick of it all at this moment. Lots of things happened today some good some not great but nothing totally horrible. I am surviving. I just want closure on everything.

Tonight I am feeling like a long sleep would be good or a drink.....

Good night...


Sunday, February 24, 2002


Music: Nickleback, Staind, Creed

I am up and about to go shopping and dinner with a friend. Shopping cures everything right? *smile* There are a couple new friends I have that I need to ask if I can give them names for here. So for now I am going shopping with a friend :) I got some WELL needed sleep! Things look totally different today. I mean I am still hurt, but not nearly as pissed. I keep thinking about last night and how hard it was to go to Carpe Diem but how glad I am went. I am glad Kevin insisted I go there. I got lots of hugs from Moni, Michael, Lisa and many others and that was a good thing that I needed. And was happy to be with friends!

All the things that went on this last week....I am really amazed I have not just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for a few days...or have a drink as Mistress DM asked me :)

I hope this next week is better even though I know it is going to be stressful already....

well I better go get ready....



Right now my journal could be filled with things that would blow a persons mind.

But I just am not ready to post anything about it here. So just going to ramble about other things....

Woke up with a migraine. That is why I am up to take some medicine and go back to bed.

Last night I went to one of the local BDSM meetings. Bill and Lisa had not been there in a while and were at that last nights. It was really good to see them! Lisa was really great to me last night too since I was sitting there and would almost start crying right there several times. I almost left a few times but knew that Kevin would be upset if I did as he had told I should go so that I could get my mind off everything. I had told Lisa that Kevin told me to go so she kept threatening to write him and tell him I left 5 minutes early lol It was cute. Anyway Thank you Lisa for being there for me last night.

I then came home answered some mail and then went to I had not slept the night before.

Kevin has been out of town this weekend and so I will be happy when is back. And Nick and I are suppose to talk again today. So that will be good.

Going back to bed....


Saturday, February 23, 2002


Life just keeps getting better.....

But right now I am laughing about it. I just got off the phone with Nick and he helped me deal with what I needed to...I mean there is so much more I am sure I will write about and feel but....he helped me just get through he initial shock.

I found out tonight that a very important person in my life had been lying to me. Not just a little white lie either. It was lying to my face multiple times. I am hurting but also I am VERY pissed off.

But Nick pointed out LOTS of interesting things that were *so* true and we actually had a good laugh about it all.

No sleep for me lol.....been going since 9am Friday morning :)


ps: and I do mean peace...finally maybe I will have some peace of mind.....sounds weird after what I just wrote...but it is true.

D/s Military

Music: Soundtrack to Wild Orchid

Mistress DM shared a link with me tonight that actually was very interesting for me to read......D/s Military

Friday, February 22, 2002

Not So Good

Music: Soundtrack to Dances with Wolves


Not even sure I know how to describe today. It was just a f**ked up day.

Early in the morning I was talking to Kevin and of course that did not go very well. I mean he always sticks by me but the conversation overall I just did not think went well.

I talked about Todd a lot. I have been dreaming about Todd and someone else. And thinking about him lots so wonder if that is a clue to what is going on with him and her.

I then go to bed get up to a migraine and my phones not working AGAIN! So that peeved me. Got that all worked out and then had something happen with one of my employees. So that has been plaguing me all day.

I called Di as she is my best friend and needed her help. I was kind of sad after my conversation with her but at this point with what is going on with me I had to let it go.

I have had people in the community here being so supportive of me today. I am actually thankful to have made so many good friends there. And then Kevin was online.....I felt more then ever today he wished he could be here....right here with me to help me get through this. It was good to feel that from him.

When I signed online, I had an offline message from Nick. He had a very bad day too. It was something he found out last night might happen. I was crossing my fingers for him and hoping would not happen but it did. So I was feeling bad for him and wishing I could be there for him. He does not know about what happened with me yet today. I am kind of nervous how he is going to react.

I had all these things I wanted to write about...feelings about failing, succeeding and progressing. But with all that happened brain is fried.

Saturday night is Carpe Diem. Kevin told me to go so that I got my mind off things and that I was around friends. And I am sure he is right.

Well, I have laundry in and then am going to bed, as I have to be up at 6:30am to go to breakfast with a friend.


Thursday, February 21, 2002


Music: Janet Jackson

Life is fun lol

Work today was kind of stressful as I had phone problems and another problem that is a kind that freaks me out in my business.

Tonight I talked to Nick. He has lots of stress going on so we were not able to talk about the things we were going to. And I understood that completely. So this weekend we are going to discuss it. Tomorrow morning I will be thinking him lots!

Last night Kevin and I talked about my weight. He let me talk and did not comment or try to tell me how to fix it. He is the first person to ever have handled it that way. And it is because I asked him for help not because he is trying to change me. So there is a big difference then others in my past.

It is coming up on a year...when I was in Germany. People would think of going to Europe was full of fond memories and there were some good ones do not get me wrong but so much of my trip was full of pain. I cried more then then I probably cried all last year.

I want to have someone in my life right now that I want to be with and have sex with. Okay weird topic change.

I woke up from a dream last night full of dark desires and just being f***ed...hard. Going to share some of my dark

* being yanked around by my hair with it to be positioned to give sexually service. And then having my long hair placed to cover my face and making me continue to work under that shroud, not fit to meet the Dominants eyes.

* Being made to drink out of the toilet.

* Having my face shoved in the toilet and held there. Having my face held there and then f**ked in the ass.

* Cigarettes (even though I do not like smoke and don't smoke)......being bound and helpless - gagged - beaten and out of it slightly and then seeing Him smoke. Takes a couple puffs and then.....touch the lit end of a cigarette to my breasts. leaving His initials on my breasts.

just a few out of MANY...I have flash before my eyes......


Wednesday, February 20, 2002


Just looked at the date.....

Yesterday - Wednesday was the 20th. That is the anniversary of Jim and my first date......that was 16 years ago.

Go Get a Drink

Music: Enrique ~ Escape


Lets see.....period still playing havoc with my emotions. I stood in the shower this morning thinking of Todd. And just started crying so hard. I could not control the sobs. It was not a good way to start the day let me tell you.

I talked to Nick online today for a little bit. It was not a great conversation. I mean he was good but the topic was one I do not like to talk about at all. I am suppose to call him tomorrow night to discuss it and the email that I sent him a while back.

Kam was laid off on December and because of that money is becoming a little tight. I dipped in to my savings for my Arizona trip to help out with some bills and we are unsure when that money will be back in the now I might be having to put off my trip to Arizona. Not something I am happy about AT ALL. If I personally have a good week next week working it might only be a week of delaying which would be fine with me as it would be Nick's Birthday. So that would be cool to be there for that. :)

Tonight a good friend of mine who is Muslim signed online. She had just been the mosque so was in her dress and head covering. She looked SOOO BEAUTIFUL! She showed us, Kam and I, on her web cam.

It was cool her being on the cam and I said to Kam wow...I want a web cam that is so cool to see her right now! He said no in a very serious voice. I said what? I was puzzled. He was like no because I don't want you to be having sex with men on the web cam. UGGGHHHHHHH I said you see how I treat the stupid wannabe men online. I said you really think *I* am going to do that. He said yes. It annoyed me.

I talked to Ray tonight too for the first time in over a week I believe. It was nice to talk to him. I missed him!

I have been writing long emails to Kevin babbling on and on just like I do in my journals lol He said I need to start putting a meaningful subject line lol Pretty much I do not put any subject or put long rambling email. Nick was reading off all the emails he had saved in his inbox from me and lots of them had the same titles - good night email, babbling on and on, long rambling I am not creative with subject lines. LOL

It made me feel good that Nick had save all of them. I had all that I had sent him and he had sent me saved on my last computer. :( I save all my emails from Kevin also. I am a packrat....thinking of all the emails and things I saved....all of Dale's, Kam's, Jackie's, Todd's....out of all those only person's left is Todd's because several we were emailing back and forth on a yahoo account so I have all those still and some I had emailed to that account just to have them all in one place. *sigh*

I am marking easy lately. I was brushing my long hair and it had some knots in it so I was really pulling over them. I had the hair lying on one breast as I brushed over it and over it to get the knots out. The next day I had lots of dotted little bruises. I was in the laundry room today and kind of had the laundry basket propped between my arm and on the inside of my thigh but it started to slide down my thigh so I let it drop. Well, it looks like I have a bruise starting form that.

Intimacy is the thing on my mind lately. I am scared of it and not sure how to get past it. Intimacy is not sex to me but it can be linked to sex. I remember the first time I was with Todd. It was very intimate. He did that purposely though as he knew I had issues with intimacy. I remember the hard crashes the day after seeing him and spending the night with him. I am sure it is because of the intimacy. It was new to me and it was these intimate moments and then he was gone. And I felt very lost and alone.

I am worried how that will affect Nick and me - my intimacy issues.

He knows they are there and we have talked about them some....even talked about them today - as linked with another issue I weight.

Stopped writing to go look at site that wow....made my stomach turn.

Going to post this and go get a drink lol....



Music: Janet Jackson

This week is odd emotionally as I have my period. I am on a roller coaster emotionally.

Monday - My day started out actually pretty good, I signed online about 1pm and Nick messaged me and said I am calling. :) He called and we talked on the phone for 2 hours. We did not talk about the email, as he never got it. So we talked about lots of other stuff and I laughed and blushed and just had so much fun talking to him. So he asked me to forward the email to him again. And that we would talk about it.

Monday when I talked to Kevin I was more.... casual then I usually am and that is because I felt more secure with Nick. Kevin reminded me who he is to me.

The phone call with Nick was the highlight of my day. And basically everything after it I would like to just forget happened. I pretty much have....I remember some things so clearly and other time I consciously and sometimes subconsciously forget them. The only thing I remember is the log of my conversation with Kevin. Telling some details - enough to put together what happened. So, of course I stopped reading it. Nothing goes smoothly. I feel nothing ever just goes good - where I don't fail. I never do anything right even when I try hard.

Tuesday - 6:15am I went to bed - slept 3 hours - and then got up to get ready to go to lunch with a friend. I left the lunch mad about some things but not at her. She was great to tell me what was going on. This week work wise things could have been going good if I had anyone working but since I didn' has kind of sucked. Today I missed Nick but also missed Kevin a lot too.

Before I signed off this morning to go to bed...Kevin told me that pretty soon I would be sleeping through the night. I did not get it at that moment when I read it but I reread it this morning. He meant when I went to see Nick that I would finally be able to sleep, as I would feel safe. It was a nice thought.

good night...


Sunday, February 17, 2002

Shoes for $3

Music: Jewel

Well, the last entry was weird. Kevin said he did not even understand it. Which made me have mixed feelings. I was just feeling lost, alone, out of control. I wanted to feel a place in the world.

Saturday -

Not sure what I did in the morning but afternoon I went shopping. I bought 3 pairs of shoes all $7 and less lol one pair even for $3. Not sure if I will be able to wear them long but what I was thinking I would wear them for - that is not a problem. :) I bought a skirt for $5 too but do not like how it looks on now that I got home. I bought things like altoids, Kleenex, condoms, gum, clear nail polish and a few other odds-n-ends and those things added to be more then I spent on the shoes and skirt. LOL

I came home from shopping and then got ready to go to a party. I, of course, got my period right before we were to leave so I was not a happy camper. I wore a black skirt and red shirt that shows off my cleavage. And a pair of my new shoes that were flat and comfy lol I bought a pair of mary janes yesterday too…almost wore those but did not match the outfit….goes more with my plaid short skirt. Maybe wear that to the next party.

The party was okay. Nothing great nothing terrible….very much as I expected. I got drunk. I had a nice time talking and getting to know some of the people more.

I always dread going to these things but end up having an okay time. But it is sad that I really need a drink to make me relax at these parties - because they are work industry people and so I feel like I am businesswoman mode. And I just need to relax, flirt and laugh and have fun! Which the drinks allow me to do.

Sunday -

Slept in since we got home about 3:30am. Then Kam went to pick us up some lunch. He is down about something - probably just feeling my feelings. He often does. And so he has been down and it is hard on me as I feel I can’t show my feelings then. And that is stressful to not be able to relax in my own home.

I was working on some work things and then Kevin messaged. We chatted a little bit. I am hoping Nick calls like he said he would. So kind of waiting for that. Tonight is the Janet Jackson concert on HBO. I like her a lot and love that cd so I am looking forward to jamming in front of the TV watching her. Yummmmmy!!!

I heard from Honey the other day that was good! I was happy to hear from her. It seems so weird that it is almost a year ago I was there in Germany with her.

Getting a little frustrated with Di. I will always love her and she will always be my best friend. But it gets hard to reach out and try to keep maintaining things and have the door slammed in my face every time. And that is what I feel is going on.

Admitting something I don’t want to be…..

Todd is still a part of me. I am not over him. I knew he was a part of me but he is more a part of me then I was admitting to myself. :( He goes in ups and downs with me…where I think about him lots and then not at all of days or even a week or more. I wish I would not have fallen in love with him…..I don’t mean that really. I just wish he had not hurt me so much.


Saturday, February 16, 2002

Screw It

i am not sure what i want to write right now. i am mixed of sadness and being pissed off. And I really do not have anything to be pissed off at. I do and don't. I want things to be different then they are and I have to be patient is what everyone has told me. Or I need to do things to change them. Well, I am even if others do not see it. The only person that needs to see it is ME! I do not think I need to be patient right now. Screw it! I want it all and I deserve it. Going out Saturday night. It was one of those nights were I was invited to do about 4 things and going to end up only doing one :( And it is the thing that I least want to do. Fun fun! Plus I have to work tomorrow. And I just am frustrated with that too.

I just want to scream and kick and let it all out! But I can't....I can't do that ever. Fuck...i hate these feelings.

Good night....


Friday, February 15, 2002


I am reading the entry where that last quote came from and right now I feel like her and I could be twins...even down to her hating talking on the phone. I hate it too and of course have a job where I have to be sickeningly sweet on the phone lol Her entry really does sound like it could be something I wrote. Read the February 12th - Figuring it all out journal entry. It is the 2nd Feb. 12th one.

"I know that if I keep doubting sooner or later it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy, he will become too tired to take it, all my pushing will lead to the door." ~ from Jane

I have felt this way about Nick a lot lately. And I am trying to stop it. He has been very patient. But I know that some of it bothers him as he has brought it up more. :(

I am wondering at this moment what made me fear abandonment so much? I guess Morgan has lots to do with it but it seems like there is more to it then that. I just do not understand what exactly.

I am addicted to her journal right is 4:39am and I am up reading and reading and reading. I had started an email to Kevin and now it has just kind of sat there while I read and read and read. I want to go to Seattle so bad now....because she describes these wonderful places! Sounds like an incredible place!

Nick told me before he left for out town to get more sleep.....oooppssss!!!!



I sent this to Nick as I am sure he will think I wrote it lol....

"So when it remained unanswered 3 days later, I started to worry. Left to my own devices, my own neurosis, worry turned to panic turned to me being 100% certain that he had decided I was no longer worth the trouble, and thus had decided to leave my life without a word, with no closure, no notice, just silence."

From Jane's Journal again! :) This could be a long night!

Deep Levels

Music: The Cranberries

Okay just read a from Jane Duvall's journal. She is someone I have followed for years....not even sure when the first time it was that I read about her.

Anyway her Feb 12th scary. The top of her journal pages it says all I need is everything. How true is that of me? lol

She is in a poly relationship. One of her relationship she says this, "Deep levels of intimacy and trust in some areas, almost no deep knowledge of each other in many of the more mundane yet relationship affirming areas. In short, I know him well yet I don't know him." I am feeling that way about Kevin.

Her journal entry goes on connecting experiences to come to the meaning. She goes on to say something even more me........"It became my greatest fear, to lose someone without getting to say everything I wanted to say. To not get to say a simple "I love you", to just have endless silence, no resolution, self-doubts and what-ifs just eating me alive. It's probably why I'm so willing to let every emotion out whether on a webpage or in an S/M scene."

Wow....Thank you Jane for giving me a bit of insight!


Allergic Reaction

Music: Various....Sheryl Crow, Sixpence, Tori Amos, Innocence Mission, Ani Defranco

It is now Friday and so Valentines is over.

It was pretty typical day for me. I had some swells in anxiety though.....mostly I am sure because it is Morgan's Birthday on Valentine's Day. I miss her more lately.

I thought of Nick a lot today reason because I knew he would be having a really heavy day in meetings. So, just thinking about him and hoping all went well. I also thought about him because it was Valentine's Day. Weird thing is I have never been a big Valentine's Day person because it was Morgan's Birthday so I just kind of made it like any other day to deal with it. This year it was pretty much the same with just a few more pangs of wishing I were with someone to celebrate. Not that it was not nice to go to dinner with Kam but it was intended to be a working dinner so those fuzzy Valentine feelings were not associated with it. It ended up that it was not a working dinner, as the 3rd party did not show. Oh well. I ended up having 2 drinks because she did not show. So I left feeling fuzzy because of those lol

I am not sure if I had an allergic reaction or something else like stress going on but I had a mild small asthma attack tonight. I still feel the affects of it. It probably is not going to be a good night of sleeping because of it.

Well, I am going to read over some things and then maybe go to bed...alone. *sigh*


Wednesday, February 13, 2002

babbled on

Music: Pure Moods

Changing topics lots as my mind is I have had a few interruptions.

Feelings - I go from being so scared, to being full of anger, to being content and happy, to being extremely turned on and floating, to being where I don't want anyone to touch as it feels my skin even hurts.

Sleep Patterns - Last night I talked to Kevin about my sleeping patterns a little bit. I would hint to Todd about them and even to Nick. Nick grasps it more then Todd did and Nick I think believes he will do something about it when I am there with him. Todd just perpetuated it.

To be looked after/love - Kevin always is looking out for feels good to have someone doing that.

I find it sad that people said they loved me did not really look out for me. Was it because they loved me? And were to close to see through the forest so to speak. But yet I love people and look after them. So, is it a gender thing? hmmmm

Dark Desires - Are very very strong lately.....Kevin asked me if I notice a pattern with them as he has noticed one. The dark desires seem to be getting even....darker lately.

Weight - Something I am having issue with right now that is bigger then I care to think my weight. Last year this time I lost 40 lbs and I know I have gained it all back.

Being Alone - I am getting very sick of being alone lately. Last night I could not sleep mostly because of that. I did not want to be alone. I walked into my bedroom and looked at the bed and turned around and went to the couch and lie down and watched TV for a least an hour if not more. And then fell asleep there as usual.

I have this really good smelling candle going and I can't even smell it LOL allergies are so much fun!! NOT!

Okay I have babbled on enough....

Looked at the time...

Happy Valentines Day! *kisses*


problem with trying to date me

From a Blogger called Asher Sky

"Someone told me the biggest problem with trying to date me is the fact that I am me utterly, and I am not anyone else. And being me, this unique human, I am alienated. And while someone can fully love me and be in love with me and see something no one else can see, the fact that no one else can see it makes it entirely too hard to deal with."

I related to this a lot tonight.


Right now I am tired. Really tired but also not feeling well.

Nick and I talked for about 2 hours on the phone Monday night. I had written him an email on the 8th and he had not read it yet on Monday evening. He was leaving to go out of town and is not going to be back in town until Saturday. And he said he would read it and call me on Sunday.

It gets hard to wait with him. I wonder about things such as if he will have time for me.....since he has not had time to read an email that I sent on Friday and it is now Tuesday. And by the time we discuss it a week will have went by.

It seemed that this past weekend was fights/disagreements were had with everyone.....Kam, Mistress DM, Ray and not that I had a fight with Kevin but I did something I was not suppose to. Friday night I was suppose to go to the informal but just did not feel like it after the fight with Kam. And then Saturday I went out....I was really out of it though most of the night. Felt groggy almost. Sunday can't even remember what I did during the day but then that is when I did something to wrong with Kevin. I did not sleep and was so upset about it that I made myself sick. On Monday day our conversation about what happened did not go good but by the end of the day we seemed to understand what happened and were on the same page. He is very patient with me.

Just to let everyone know who has been asking....I am not breaking things off with Nick. And I do not see Kevin as someone long term. He does not view himself that way either. He just feels he can help me right now. And I agree.

Work has not been that bad but not fantastic. I have been working more....instead of just managing things. So that has been kind of strange but good.

I am not sure what is going on with me but I am going from being very happy to being very sad. Maybe it is just pms. I want to cry and just go to sleep. Everything inside hurts. And just earlier today everything was good. I was in a good mood and thinking of good things. And it is just so strange. I am on roller coaster.

I feel like on that edge to do something self-destructive almost.

Okay weird journal entry......

I hope tomorrow feels different....


Friday, February 08, 2002


I suppose I should write....I just don't want to think tonight. It has been a trying day. It is was a slow week but also intense in ways.

I should be at the informal right now but I just did not want to go after the night I have had. I just wanted the quiet of being home alone.

I wrote Nick another serious email. And will call him tomorrow afternoon to see if he read it and also to check on him mom. She has not been feeling well.

Last night Kevin had told me I was going to tell him a story. Well, the story topic was to be going into areas I did not fill comfortable going to. And instead of saying I can't....I said I won't. And I still felt horrible about it...but he was thrilled with me. He was glad I accepted that I had limits. I hated...absolutely hated telling him I won't do what he asked. It hurt because I felt I was going to displease him but also because I feel I should be able to do all my Dominant asks.

I really do not want to be writing. My mind feels full and tired. So does my feels so tired.

I guess this is all I am going to write for now.


Wednesday, February 06, 2002

acknowledge I exist

Music: Diana Krall

I sitting here - with my diet coke and Sex and the City on. It is talking about father says that a little girls relationship with her father is a model for her future relationships. That is a scary thought.

Today I had a few interesting conversations. One that shocked me. And I am still trying to recover from and not sure I will lol Then my conversations with Kevin are always interesting. Then Ray signed on too and he and I had a pretty good convo also. And last but not least....I talked with Nick for almost 2 hours on the phone. He messaged me today and said call me at 6:30pm my time. First time he has EVER told me when to call him. So of course it panicked me lol

Of course I was panicked for no reason! He reminded me during our conversation tonight that I worry to much. We talked about a lot of different things. He vented about work for a long time. And it did not bother me at all. He talked about past relationships.

I have been emailing him less. I have not wanted to get hurt. Because I feel like he doe snot have time for me and if I am investing feelings that I want it to go at the same pace so that if it does not work I am less hurt. We talked about that. And he understood. Right now he is okay with it. Sometimes he seems to know women better then other men and then other times he is a man :) not that is a bad thing. He was describing how he is in relationships and he is acting as he has in past relationships. And that bothered me a little bit. Not sure why.

Something bothered me tonight and it shouldn't but it did. I acknowledge him in my life and I am not sure he does. He was invited to dinner to a guy he works with and the email sent to him said that he forgot in the original invite to invite his wife, significant other, girlfriend or whomever he wished to bring with him. And he told the guy he was single. He is........but it just felt very much like he does not acknowledge I exist...and everyone in my life knows about him. :(

He was suppose to be going out of the country...leaving on Friday but that has been canceled and another trip might be in store for him out of the country but around the time I am suppose to visit OF COURSE! But that has not been confirmed yet.

I am really distracted tonight. I got my period it seems. It is a week early. And I am not happy about it. :( It would explain why I have been so distracted this week. I always have problems concentrating when I am pmsing.

Work has been pretty good but lots of things going on in the industry that are making me feel a little nervous. But if I keep doing things as I always have I will be fine.

Going to end this and I need to write 2 emails.



Music: Vertical Horizon

I have not wrote in a while here.

I have been going through lots of things that I did not want to put here until I talked to Nick about them.

I talked to him about some of them and he did not seem thrilled but not totally ready to give up on me.

Friday was busy with some work things so I ended up not being able to go to a submissive meeting that I wanted to go to. When I got home from work. I signed online and chatted with Kevin. Someone I have not named here but talked about. And I am sure I will talk about more. He and I had a long talk about lots of different things.

One thing we talked about was that I seek some extreme things and that I should not always choose those things but instead chose things that are healthier for me. And I know this.....there are things that I worry that Sir Nick might not give me - such as some dark desires - but long term I feel he will. He is patient and guiding - very subtly. He does not get scared of me.....the things I say - emotions - and what not. Kevin keeps driving home that I need to be wise in my decisions and clear on what I want. I feel I know what I want.

I am a Libra. I have opposite ends of the scale. I want love and tenderness and I want to feel fear and roughness. I thought I had to live in one side of the scale or the other. But then I learned that I could have things from both sides of the scales. That I can have love and I can have roughness. I can pick and chose to make the life of I need. The problem comes finding someone that has the same compatibility. I do not think that everyone will meet all my needs but I want someone that will meet a lot of them so that I don't feel unsatisfied with my life.

That is where the "rub" as Kevin calls it comes in play. When those things are not satisfied. He said one of 3 things could be done 1) Ignore those unfulfilled needs. 2) Fulfill those needs by lying to my partner and going behind his back. 3) Find a partner who will support me fulfilling them elsewhere. Number 1 is not healthy and will eventually cause the end or at least a lot of unhappiness. Number 2 is not for me as I am just not good at...lying is not me. As Kevin said "Dishonesty isn't your nature." Number 3 he says might still be a possibility with Nick.

Nick and I kind of talked about it on the phone on Saturday night. The things I had to tell Nick seemed to go okay but he was more thrown then he ever has been in one of our conversations. I mean he was calms still like usual but I could hear the hesitation in his voice.

Kevin feels I am thinking I can chose option 1 but feel those dark desires bubble up and then wonder if I am going to be able to resist giving them over to the person that sparks them. Such as him.

Which I told Nick on Saturday that Kevin does. So that was hard to talk about. He handled it well again. But there was a little tension.

Saturday - is when I talked to Nick. Kam and I did a few things and then he left for Columbus. And then I got ready to leave for Columbus on Sunday morning. We were going there for a Super Bowl Party.

Saturday I got a chance to talk to Kevin. We had interesting conversations as usual. He gets me.

One day he and I were having a conversation....*looking back in logs to get it right* It was about a webcam. I have issues with my pictures (explicit pictures) being taken. And he had said something about it, which sparked a memory with Sir Nick. A conversation I had with Nick. And Kevin said something and it upset me. And so I asked him what I was crying about because I did not think he got it at all and with the information provided to him I am still not sure how he got it....he said to me: "You are upset because you think I am unfairly thinking you aren't being honest. You hate to disappoint me, but it really upsets you when you feel it wasn't your fault and that you didn't do anything wrong." He got it. How did he get it? I still am not sure.

I was in tears and then I saw his answer and I laughed because I was so surprised he GOT IT.

I still am very devoted to Sir Nick and still feel HE is my future. Kevin is giving me lots to think about and reminds me of things that I have inside me that I try to push away.

Sir Nick on Saturday talked about his career lots and the direction is might go....which un-nerved me a little bit for various where he might end up is FAR away. And not sure how that would affect us. So that made me very sad on Saturday night.

Sunday - A friend of Kam and mine came and picked up me and Mara and then we went to Columbus. We were suppose to meet other people but not vary many showed up. Our friend and I went to lunch by ourselves. It was the first time he and I really had one on one time. It was nice to get to know him better. We then came back to the hotel and got ready to go the party. The party was okay. I was extremely tried after getting about an average of 3 hours sleep every night the last week.

Monday - We came home - it was snowing very badly. The wind is what was worse then the snow. It was not icy just windy. I took a nap and then talked to Kevin last evening again.

Tuesday - Been a weird day. I feel like I am getting a cold. I talked to Di today. Her divorce is final. So that must be odd for her. She has been going through a rough time but it feels like she has been closing me out...but today she did call. That is good :) I miss her.

I miss Jackie too....but not sure that is a good thing. Ironic thing is that Kam chatted with her online today. She messaged him pretending to be someone else. And he had red flags right away and then told it to me and within 15 mins of him telling me I confirmed his suspicions.

I remember I time when I lived online as a different person. Not a time I am proud of at all. But I was very good at it and so now I am know ALL the signs. Just like another person that Kam talked with a few years ago. I *right away* had red flags about her. And 2 years later she confessed. But that is mostly because I had - had it and so I wrote her a long email basically calling her on the things I felt were off. Those things happened with Jackie too actually red flags. Only with her.....I thought I saw the real person finally and fell in love with her.

The other night I told Kevin about Morgan. It was good conversation though. I mean it felt good talking about her. I miss her but of course her Birthday is coming up....Feb. 14th.

Sitting here staring at the screen. I guess I will post this and then write more later if the urge strikes me.


edit 6/17/09: Later (like a month after that Kevin was most likely actually Todd. I was 95% positive.
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