Sunday, December 31, 2000

I was wrong...

Well I was informed I was wrong about my disclaimer in Friday’s post lol

Tomorrow will be a new year. 2001. Wow! Happy New Year everyone!

Tonight of course is the anniversary of my rapes. So far this year has been easier to deal with then last years. I hope it continues to be this good all day : )

Daddy has been trying hard this week to be here for me emotionally because the week of December 31, 2000 I usually have problems with flashbacks and such. And I have had those problems this week but really not as bad as in the past. Which I am VERY thankful for!

It is snowing right now, but to me it is the beautiful kind of snow. It is coming down heavy but big flakes. I have some Ottmar Liebert in the cd player watching the snow and chatting with Di online. Very peaceful right now.

I want to thank Grumbler and wench for my great birthday/Christmas presents. : ) Back at the beginning of Nov someone gave me a present in front of Lucar and he said “you are still celebrating your birthday.” Well I can say I am still celebrating it now as it heads into 2001.

I am missing Lauren lots. I got to talk to her online Friday for a little bit, but still it does not really stop the aching inside. I am worried about her and Daddy – this 5 months from being a way from each other is going to be harder then I thought on both of them.

Honeyrose wrote me this week but it just made me wonder what is going on with her MORE. (I got 2 more emails since writing this and she seems to be good but I still worry about her.) I miss her lots and am trying to get my plans firmed up to go see her in Europe. I hope to be going for 2 months.

The first movie I saw with Honeyrose was Practical Magic second was Meet Joe Black. Both movies have made impacts on me. Jackie has the soundtrack to Practical Magic so she is connected to the movie now too.

On Christmas I watched it on cable 2 times. I sat and cried some sad missing Honeyrose and Jackie and other good tears because it brought up good feeling for both of them. The soundtrack is awesome. One song I think after seeing the movie and where it fit in the movie made me think of everyone in my life…Daddy, Jackie and Honeyrose….

A Case of You by Joni Mitchell

Just before our love got lost you said
"I am as constant as a northern star"
And I said, "Constant in the darkness
Where's that at?
If you want me I'll be in the bar"

On the back of a cartoon coaster
In the blue TV screen light
I drew a map of Canada
Oh Canada
And I sketched your face on it twice

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
Still I'd be on my feet
I'd still be on my feet

Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I'm frightened by the devil
And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid
I remember that time that you told me, you said
"Love is touching souls"
Surely you touched mine
"Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
And you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
Still I'd be on my feet
I'd still be on my feet

I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said
Color "Go to him, stay with him if you can
Oh but be prepared to bleed"
Oh but you are in my blood you're my holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you darling
Still I'd be on my feet
Still I'd be on my feet
I'd still be on my feet

I wish everyone a Happy New Year….

peace & serenity,

Friday, December 29, 2000

A Blank Slate

On ICQ last night Mistress DM and I were talking and she said something but I am going to pull it out of the context in which she said it…..

She said, “….to me you're just one blank slate waiting to be written on .”

Just a disclaimer: I know this post is not what Mistress DM meant when she said what she did. It is just what popped in my head a certain way and kind of skipped around for a while.

I went to bed thinking of this…….it brought me back to Don. And it was not a bad thing even though the anniversary of my gang rape is coming up.

Something that still pulls me back to that time in my life is how completely Don got into my head and figured out how to break me down. And parts of me liked it. That is something I still struggle with even now but did a lot when I was dealing with the gang rape. Because I how can it be rape if part of me liked the fear. Liked that he had broken me down so much that I was like addict and needed the fear to keep going. To make it through the day I needed to feel it.

How did he make me that way? I think about that often. Which brings me to the blank slate, he broke me down so that I was a blank slate. He could have done anything with me. Instead of using that power and control to create a “perfect” slave for himself. He left me broken down. I just continued to keep me there. I guess that is how I define the difference between an asshole and a Master.

After I left him I went on withdrawals and even went back to him and begged him to take me back.

I remember once right after leaving him – I had this friend whose mother owned this apartment building and he and I went to roof. He left me there while he went to get something more to drink…like we really needed more. lol And I went and stood on the ledge - drunk. I was scared to death but loved that feeling – the fear. I stood there the cold winter air blowing on me looking down 6 stories to the ground. I closed my eyes and pictured Don behind me pushing me. Or better yet telling me to jump and knowing there was no way I could not do it. He had set something in me that instinctively just obeyed him and most of the time without hesitation.

Even though what he did to me I feel was wrong. I crave to broken down and built back up into a slave. To serve without hesitation. To surrender. And yes I do crave to have that kind of fear again.

peace & serenity,

Wednesday, December 27, 2000

Fear and Freedom

By Tuf12Tame

fear and freedom,
dance within my spirit.
intertwined with such force
calling me to come near it.

freedom to believe my inner most dreams,
those things that I hold so deeply within.
taunting my soul, "can it be what it seems?"
yet fearing to let it just vaguely begin.

fear of the future,
fear of the past,
freedom to think.....
could it possibly last?

fear and freedom,
dance within my spirit.
intertwined with such force
calling me to come near it.

the woman outside so strong and so sure,
the child within so sweetly demure. a little girls heart all tattered and torn
the woman of years so broken and worn.

defiance and fire fighting the fear a battle that rages, yet won't disappear.
a soul bound by hope of what is to come,
a heart that's been wounded, until it is numb.

fear and freedom,
dance within my spirit.
intertwined with such force
calling me to come near it.

a woman who's soul
can never give up,
a childs' heart who screams....
enough is enough!

the dreams of a lifetime
fading so fast.
yet held with such might,
in her childlike grasp.

fear and freedom,
dance within my spirit.
intertwined with such force
calling me to come near it.


I found this on a site and it touched me...there is something deep inside that it touches that whispers very loud to me.

here is the site's Writings

peace & serenity,

Sweet Updates

Last Week (wrote December 23 and 24th)

This week has been interesting to say the least…..

Sunday night Dec 17th – Jackie forgot to call when she got back to school and so I was panicking. I left a lot of messages on her machine hoping that she or one of her roommates would come in and call me and tell me she was alright just finishing up school business or something like that. I am very thankful I had Di around that night! She was incredible as always! She called the highway patrol for me because I was so upset I did not think I could get Jackie’s full name out. Anyway about 12:30 – 1am Jackie called – because she has just checked her messages. She apologized a hundred times. I was just happy that she was safe. She had just forgot to call.

Monday – I spent the day baking and cleaning. And I wrote a very long letter to Moni, because her and my friendship has been strained since after my birthday when the first of the grand chaos drama started – not sure why I do not expect chaos dramas when the 2 that started it are always in chaos dramas. I think they thrive on it.

After reading my letter, Moni called upset. Her and I cry easy. We feel deeply I guess that is one reason we cry easily.

My email had been oh so great timing – uggghh. Her and her Master broke up on Sunday. It is hard to see people in pain. I know that there is a lot of grieving going on between them both.

We set a time to have lunch Thursday to discuss all that is going on.

Tuesday – I did nothing almost all day!

Wednesday – I talked with Mistress DM online. We of course as always had an interesting discussion.

Thursday – I had a 5-hour lunch with Moni. Her and I had so much to cover. She is going through the grieving process – which is hard.

She has been associating with someone who has hurt me a few times. And that hurts. She is still going to associate with him and that hurt more. I guess I kept flashing back to my friend that was seeing the guy that raped me and she said, “well he has not hurt me.”

I hope Moni does not get hurt. Michael will not let that happen though I know that for sure.

Someone else I have been hurt by one to many times had purposely tried to hurt Moni and my friendship. Did she accomplish that? Maybe bruised it, but I think eventually it will heal and come back. I know it did not accomplish the thing the person set out to do.

I had lied to Moni. Ironically one of the reasons I lied was to protect the person who ended up telling Moni. The other main reason is just because I have a deep need to protect my family so I do sometimes what I feel will protect them and ends up being a big mistake. Moni and I have had this connection and I harmed it by telling her lie. I am sorry that I hurt her.

Friendship hurts because of the expectations we create on each other. I expect my friends will give me loyalty and what we each view as loyal is different and that can end up hurting people.

Lots of things said during the lunch – it was 5 hours – some things that will be with me forever.

Friday – I have been worrying about Jackie all week. Her mom had surgery on Monday and I saw her online only briefly. She said the surgery was not good but not bad either. So not sure what exactly that means but know everything is very hard on her. Daddy and I had not heard from her in 3 days on Friday so we were worrying lots.

Friday was really cold. I had things to do and of course my car started making terrible noises! So I did not get everything accomplished that I needed to Friday during the day. Friday night Daddy and I had dinner with a friend.

Then I came home and made a pan of bars.

Saturday – We got mail from Jackie! : ) In the email it said she would call on Sunday. Saturday was Moni’s birthday! I have her present and card sitting here and will need to get it to her sometime soon. Daddy got up to take the car in (but they could not fix it.) And then he went out shopping. While he was out I made 3 dozen cinnamon rolls, cookies and banana bread. He came home we then had some friends over for a little bit. Then we got ready to go to SJ’s for dinner. We had a nice time there : ) Daddy got a poster that was SOOO him from SJ. It is a poster of a gorilla with this scowl on his face and it says “I’m sooo Not Amused!” It is soo Daddy lol I got a very cute post with precious moments noah’s ark on it. I collect Noah’s arks so it was very appropriate and I love it.
Dec. 27, 200

That was the past weeks happenings….

This Christmas was nice. Daddy and I had a nice Christmas. He shocked and surprised me with the present he gave me. I just burst into tears when I opened. Jackie I am sure is very happy she was not here lol She hates it when I cry.

We go to this Amish restaurant every once in a while. It is a special place for us. Anyway every time we go in there I look at this print they have in their gift shop. It is a little boy all bundled up sitting in the snow with his 3 dogs. There is just something about it that touches a part of me – deep inside. Daddy went and got me that print for Christmas. I was very shocked and overwhelmed with my love for him at that very moment. It is things like that remind me why I love him so much. It is an expensive print and so every time I see it I say I like it but it is one of those things I never though I would ever own.

Thank you Daddy! I love you very very much!

peace and serenity,

Sunday, December 24, 2000

Christmas Eve

As a child this used to be one of my most favorite days. We would go to my grandparents. They lived on a farm. It was so beautiful as it would always be a white Christmas as I grew up in North Dakota. (The alien state – private joke between Kam, Jackie and I).

My grandparents attended a small country church that is so beautiful...covered in snow. It would always be a very good service – candlelight service. All the lights would be turned off. Then one person would have a lit candle and one by one the light passed lighting each candle in the church creating a warm glow radiating. The silence as we all did this too was a power quiet that would always give me goosebumps. It always was a very meaningful service for me even as a child.

My grandpa would leave early and make reindeer tracks and also boot tracks into the house. I would get back to their place and be so happy seeing those tracks….knowing Santa came.

We always sang Christmas songs, drank wassail, ate and ate and ate all sorts of food, and then my Uncle would read the Christmas Story from the bible. We opened presents after that. I would fall asleep curled up under the piano clutching my new doll or toy.

I know I love Christmas because my mom made our house feel magical during Christmas. It was full of light, love and joy of the season.

So tonight I think of my family and also my friends and wish everyone a very joyous holiday!

peace & serenity,

Sunday, December 17, 2000

48 Hours is not enough...

Jackie got here on Friday night. I was excited but sad all at once knowing this would be the last time before she went to Italy that Daddy and I would see her.

When she got her just the look on her face told me that she needed us. And that something else had happened. And yes something had. Because of the things that happened, she was only able to stay til Sunday night. So we were getting less then 48 hours of her before she left.

This person who I have grown to love deeply would only be able to be here for less then 48 hours. I pulled it in and told myself what was going on with her was much more important. I love her so much and just wanted to protect her from the world. Make this the place where nothing could hurt her.

But I know that is not totally possible. I tried very hard though.

This weekend and week with Jackie was going to be very special for her and I had prepared myself for it. Jackie was going to have the opportunity to serve Daddy publicly and she was looking forward to it. Her submission has grown so much in the time that she has been with Daddy. It is amazing me. Her hard work and Daddy’s wonderful training are very amazing.

Tonight as I write…..I am hurting.

I feel the pain - it feels like it can consume me. So much going on in my life and I hang on each day. I deal with each persons pain as well as my own. I struggle each day to let some things just go because I cannot handle it.

I am given sharp realities of my life, daily - even though some of my life I try to just let go and pretend does not happen. I struggle to know what to do. I try to look at things asking if it is a good path - if it is keep going.

Like with Jackie – I know this time with us – she needed to not see Daddy and I get upset with each other. (Which we do a lot - especially lately.) And I was trying so hard not to get upset about things. But I am dealing with his stuff, Jackie’s stuff, Honeyrose has stuff I am worrying about, my mom who I talked yesterday I could tell has things going on there, Di has stuff going on, and then I have all my shit. Plus throw in PMS. lol So I just tried to take the path that was right and good and be there for her. And it is not like I do not want to be there for everyone. I love them. They are my family even in moment that I feel like I would like to escape this reality. It just gets hard sometimes.

I have so much going on that not one person who knows about it all…..I do not tell anyone all of my problems because they have enough of their own stuff going on. And frankly because they cannot handle it on top of their things – at least that is how I feel. I pretty much know Daddy cannot, so I just do not stress him with stuff.

So many past things have been coming into my space this past week so much: flashbacks, Morgan, Jim. And then throw in current life…fun fun.

DM and I had a pretty serious talk this past week too and right at this moment I am thinking of pulling away for good because I look back on this weekend and look at all I have wrote and think she deserves a lot better then me. She certainly does not need to be dealing with all that I need to get in order. And who is to say I can get things in order.

I need to say these are things I am feeling at the moment – it is reaction from my pain. Just like me saying I did not think I was submissive. I know I am submissive. Even though I get lots of verbal messages that I am not….I know I am. I would not react the way I do to DM if I were not submissive. There has been several times this week that have shown me I am submissive.

This week asked me if I was going to Germany and hoping everything would magically be fixed in my life. It was said in a harsh tone. She has said harsh things to me before, but this time it effected me more. I felt like telling her off. I then stopped and toned things down and said to her that just because I do not deal with things how she does not mean that I do not deal with things. Which is true. I tend to deal with things a lot different then most people.

I just feel. I just know some things have to be dealt with one way and some don’t. Sometimes they need immediate action and sometimes I need to wait for life to show me where I need to go and do.

I just wrote all of the above and then Di signed online and I talked to her.

I am very thankful to have her as my best friend. She is great. So I look around this apartment right now. I look at the tree and think of Daddy strapping it to the top of the car and how fun it was to watch…I think of Jackie, seeing the tree all lit up and decorated. I am very happy to have shared her first Christmas tree with her. I am thankful for good health, a great best friend, Daddy, Jackie, Honeyrose, my family – mom, dad, sisters, and all the people in my life I love. I am very lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life to love.

And that is what I need to hang on too…..

I wish everyone a good night…..And a good week to come…..

Peace and Serenity,

Thursday, December 14, 2000

The Hotel

I thought of this story I wrote long ago a few times lately so I have decided to post it.

Enjoy! :)

The Hotel

He stands before me hands me a key and a piece of paper with an address and room number upon it. It is a hotel address and key. He told me He is using my gift of submission to Him to give Himself great pleasure. I smile - I want to please Him so very much. Fear runs through me also because I do not know what will happen.

I go there as ordered. There are directions telling me to take my shirt, skirt and bra off and leave my thigh highs, panties and heels on. The note also directs me to blind fold myself, kneel on the floor facing the door and wait. My knees are apart, arms behind back, and chest out - the usual position that I am in for my Master. I wait and wait and wait - it feels like forever. I am scared because what if someone were to come in here by accident they would see me like this. The fear also comes from not knowing what is going to happen. But I am also very turned on by that fear running through me and more importantly by the thought of giving my Master pleasure.

I finally hear the door open. I know not to say anything. But I am wanting to make sure it is him. I start say is that you Master . . . and I feel the sting across my breasts. The pain and unexpectedness make me fall over. I try to regain my position fast, but I am not fast enough. A slap comes swiping across my face. Something my Master rarely does - I am surprised but am in position again. My nipples are then tugged and twisted - I feel something warm and oily being rubbed on them. They start to get very warm. And then warmer. The tugging and twisting intensify the pain - the heat shooting through them. I start to moan. My breasts are slapped hard - they burn. I know not to let another moan escape. More pain shoots through my nipples as the clothespins are applied. I want to scream. They are on fire under the grip of the clothespins. I cannot keep it in - I scream. My breasts are slapped several times again and tears are now welling in my eyes behind the blindfold. I am pulled to my feet by my hair and my panties are pulled off roughly. I am pushed to the ground again. My panties are shoved into my nose I smell my arousal, my mouth is opened, and the panties are shoved in. I hear tape being torn off and it is then placed over my mouth.

My hair is grabbed again and I am yanked to my feet. I am pushed face first into the bed. I am screaming behind the gag. My breasts are burning and shooting with pain as I am shoved onto the bed ~ the clothespin pulling more, making me cry. My wrists are pulled behind me and put in handcuffs. I feel fingers pulling at me - pulling my ass cheeks apart, pulling at my pussy lips. I am being looked at - inspected. I know I am very wet - it was dripping down my thighs. Then I feel fingers running over my clit. Oh it feels so good. It starts to warm and it starts to get very hot. I realize the same oil that is burning my nipples is on my clit. My clit is pulled and twisted and then a cloth pin is clamped on it. I hear a vibrator. My clit feels as though it is on fire. The vibrator is brought to my burning clit and applied right at the base of the clothespin. The pain is shooting through me. I buck trying to escape, but not really wanting to.

I then feel the smack against my ass. A riding crop perhaps. The sting - I know my ass is glowing red. Then another and another and yet another. I am screaming behind the gag - tears are streaming behind the blindfold. I hear a voice then - telling me to "Behave slut." Fear over takes me. It is not my Master's voice. The fear runs through me fast - where is my Master. I squirm to get away. I am grabbed roughly by the hips and I feel him enter me. I am being fucked and I do not know who it is. I try to move away. I am held in place by this man. Then I hear my Master's voice saying "she likes anal sex - do her hard." I squirm slightly. "Little one please behave for me," my Master states calmly. My ass cheeks are spread and I feel a cock at the entrance. My hips are grabbed roughly and am entered without lube or being prepared. Fast and hard. No slow working it in. I scream and try to squirm away my hair is pulled so my head is up and back and my face it slapped hard. It is my Master's hand this time. I am being fuck in the ass hard -rough. I am crying. But at the same time - my pussy is aching more and more to be fucked.

The tape is ripped off my mouth and the panties are taken out. I smell cum - precum. And then I feel the tip of a cock at my mouth . . . the wetness being spread on my lips . . . I lick them eagerly. My head is pulled back further and a cock is shoved in my mouth. I am building and cannot hold back . . . the orgasm spreads through me . . . as I am being fuck hard in the ass and my mouth. They both pull out . . . as I am still in the orgasm. And I feel the sting of a whip on my back, ass, and pussy. Another orgasm washes over me. I am moaning, but I am not stopped. The clothespins are still on me and the pain is still shooting through me because of them. The one on my clit is pulled off. I scream and feel the riding crop come down on my ass. It hits hard again and again. I feel welts starting to form. My ass feels like it is on fire.

I feel my hips grabbed again and a hard cock in shoved in my ass again. I scream. The man fucking my ass pulls my hair. My head pulled back while he rams his cock deep into my ass. I feel an orgasm building again. And I feel Him almost ready too. He is ramming into me fast and hard. ROUGH. And pain is so intense. But the intensity is bringing my orgasm close. I hear a voice tell me - "that I better not cum again until you are told you can - do you understand me, bitch?" I do not answer so scared. It is not my Master's voice. He says "Bitch answer me now" and yanks on my head harder and shoves his cock deep into my ass. My answer comes out in my screams, "Yes Sir, I understand." I am trying to hold it. He is building - he is moving in and out of me faster. I cannot hold the orgasm I try to squirm away. I feel a slap come down on my ass. My hips are grabbed more firmly and he rams into me again and again and then I feel the hot liquid shooting into my ass. I am flipped over and I feel a cock at my mouth and the voice saying "clean me off cunt." I am scared - I close my mouth. I am slapped. My face on fire with the slap. He says, "Open your mouth and clean me, slut." I hear my Masters voice say "slave do as he commands" I open my mouth and he shoves his cock down into my mouth and throat. He cuts my breath off as he shoves his cock down my throat. I suck Him clean. And he pulls out and says "good slut."

He tugs on the clothespins on my nipples. I moan. He says you are right she loves pain. My Master laughs and agrees. My Master asks - how wet I am. I feel the fingers grasp at my cunt and shove into my pussy. "Oh yes she wanting badly. She is soaking wet." I hear footsteps come near the bed. My Master's fingers pull on my nipples, I moan load and buck from the pain - the riding crop comes down on my breast. With each blow it is harder to stay here and focused. My Master brings the riding crop down again and says, "stay focused little one." And then he shoves his cock into my waiting pussy. He pulls on the clothespins as he is fucking me. He rips the clothespins off me and I scream from the pain and an orgasm rushes through me. His weight comes down on me and he takes one hand and entangles it in my hair and the other hand moves over my mouth. And then he releases my hair and pinches my nose closed as he fucks me. I cannot breathe, see or move. I am struggling under his grasp - desperate for air. Just as I think I am going out, he releases my mouth and nose and I gasp for breath not able to get much in though. His hands return to where there were. He is hard in my pussy. I am getting close to orgasm and I feel Him building as he controls my breath and shoves his cock deep and hard into my pussy. Again, he releases his hand and I gasp. And again it comes right back into position. He is pumping into me deeper and faster. I need breath but he is not releasing his hand this time. I try to shake my head away but know it is no use. I start to slip to that place - I feel my orgasm spill through me just as he shoots his hot cum into my waiting pussy and I am gone. Floating away. His hands have been released for just a few seconds - another second goes by and another and I gasp for breath but am still floating on my high. I hear them talking but do not make out their words. I hear the door open and close. The blindfold is removed, my hands are uncuffed and my Master lies down next to me and kisses me deeply. "You are such a good slave." I smile at Him and slip back into subspace.

© 1997 annkneeling/danae all rights reserved

Tuesday, December 12, 2000

Various Random Whispering

I think I am getting a cold, which I am not thrilled about.

Tonight I am feeling very alone.

I feel Jackie is pulling away because she is getting upset about going to Italy for 5 months and not seeing Daddy or I. I know she is busy getting ready to leave but I also feel she is avoiding us a little. Daddy has been very quiet and withdrawn for weeks because of stress in our lives.

Last week I did a little drawing. I worked on something for Moni for her birthday and something for Di for Christmas. I really liked feeling the pastels, colored pencils and ink pen in my hand again. It was hard but very gratifying afterwards even though I am not thrilled with the work I did it was a start and some of the base ideas are good starts for what I want to create.

Saturday night was a party for one of the local BDSM organizations we attend. The food was really good. Everyone did a great job on that. The decorations were great too.

We had a long table and kept having to add chairs too it to be able to get all of our friends around it. : ) It was nice to see everyone!

This is from the FAQ on Internal Enslavement (

“The Enslavement Hypothesis is that there are submissives who have an overwhelming need to be possessed by a Dominant. Given the right environment, the submissive can be coaxed out from behind the protective walls she has built during her life and made to expose all of her Self to her Master. Among other things this requires that he creates an environment which is emotionally safe and in which her underlying character will be accepted, probably for the first time in her life. During this process, the bond between the submissive and her Master becomes sufficiently strong than she can no longer break it herself, and she has then been enslaved.”

Interesting concept.

There was a post to one of the lists I am on….(I got permission to use this first. Thank you John Sir.)

“The only way to get a submissive to trust you enough to let you break down her fears is to create a security blanket where she can be open with you enough to tell you what her needs and fears are. Also its important for the dominate to do the same thing if you can't be open with her how can she be open with you……. Its called intimacy but on a level that most people cannot understand.”

I agree with this. I also think it is a hard job. The level of trust and intimacy involved is deep. And it takes a lot of hard work to get there.

On the part of the Dominant has to be open too….

I am not sure. I want the Dominant to be open and honest – expressing that they are human. I am not sure I want to know if my Owner has fears he/she cannot do it – it as in be my Owner…control me… dominant with me.

And if they are questioning that what does it mean? And if I am questioning their doubts what does it mean?

I think lots of people understand intimacy and even say the want it but not many people are willing to do the work to get there or are just scared of what will happen when they do get to that level.

I know intimacy is scares me.

I chatted with Honeyrose online today. We talked of her life and what is going on with her. Lots of hard things coming up for her.

It is so strange how her and my life parallel at times. I mean she met GZ about the same time I met Daddy. Some of the same problems Daddy and I have had her and GZ have…it is just strange how things parallel.

I really know how hard these next few months are going to be for her, but I know she can do it.

I miss her lots and cannot wait to go to Europe to see her. : )

Okay I guess I will stop babbling…

Good night….

Peace & Serenity,

Monday, December 11, 2000


Wednesday….I talked with Mistress DM online. I had not talked to her in a while. Avoiding her a little because of the stuff going on here. I just needed time not to think. LOL

As usual in talking to her she made me think about a lot of things. One thing is that Love is not an emotion. She said (it is something she is working on not fully formulated) it is an energy and I agree.

She had given me a website link to read. The first time I read it something in the journal entry stuck out…..

“Most of all... I learned that although I am capable of playing with others, caring about others, and learning from others, I am not able to fully love another.”

I do not think I am fully able to love another. I mean I think I am able to love a person, but it is hard to let myself go totally and let the other person love me in which I am holding back so I am not able to love fully either. I do not let go and allow myself to because I just do not believe anyone can handle it.

I love lots of people but there is no one I totally love without boundaries.

There has been one person in my life that I could be completely free with and not worry about what I said or what I did or how I acted or how my emotions were. She was an incredible woman.

Jackie always says she loves me more. And there are a few reasons I think she says this, but after talking about love right now I just thought of another view.

I feel she says she loves me more because she loves me so much it hurts. She feels it in the very depth of her soul and it hurts because she does not allow people to touch there.

I love her just as much. On Thanksgiving, I thought of her all day and quietly Thanked God for bringing her into my life. I missed her so much it hurt like that.

I love Honeyrose that way. I remember when she moved to Germany and she did not get in contact with me for a while. I cried and ached and started to grieve a little. My heart was breaking because I thought she was just leaving me. When she finally called the first thing I did was yell at her to never do that to me again because I loved her more then anything and it hurt to think of life without her. I knew I was in love with her.

But I was just thinking now….

I think I love Jackie more…..

I give up parts of myself for her. I give up things so that she can love me without it being too hard.

Not sure that makes sense. I hold back emotions that I know she cannot handle right now with all she has on her plate. I hold back how scared I am that she is going Italy and I am not going to see her for a while. I am really scared about her going to Italy and not coming back to me. Scared she will not come back to Daddy either.

Love with Daddy is hard to explain. It has changed lots in the time I have known him. I would say when I was first here I was able to have no boundaries but was not able to fully let my boundaries down even though I did let most of them down. He has seen parts of me that no person should have to see or go through. And I am very thankful for all that he went through to help me heal.

I still love my ex husband. I still miss him a lot…even though I was not able to love him without boundaries either.

Love is an energy to me. It is not the love that is changing relationships. I still love Honeyrose just as much as I did 2 years ago but what has changed in our relationship is that I miss her dearly. I still love my ex-husband who hurt me emotionally. Daddy and I have our rough times but I still love him. I have friends that have hurt me recently – the love has not changed but the relationship has because of the pain they have caused me.

I could never understand why I was not getting past some old loves or why I still love people that have hurt me. If it is not an emotion and is energy, it is makes a lot more sense to me.

peace & serenity,

Monday, December 04, 2000

A Jumble of Thoughts

I could not sleep last night….my mind was racing but not with anything of real use.

Jackie was here this weekend and it was a peaceful weekend for once. No running around to see everyone, no disruptions, and not too many worries. First weekend like that in a long time. I always feel sad after she leaves. I go through like an emotional drop right after and the day after.

Last week after my blog on loyalty and talking about my rape it made me think about my Survivor Healing and Support website. I had not worked on it in a very long time. So, that is what I did some of last week. Still having some problems with some of the links so I will post the url when it is not so jumbled.

I have been thinking lately that maybe I am not submissive…..

Or maybe I am not just slave. Certainly I do submissive things. How I interact with my Daddy is submissive a lot of the time even though I think he would disagree, but I feel that is because he still wishes me as the slave that arrived at his doorstep almost 2 and half years ago. And I am not that same person. Unfortunately? I am not sure I guess….

I really do not know how to act or behave as a submissive anymore…at least that is how it feels. Before I instinctively acted a certain way that I am not sure I can even describe. I just wanted to please, now I please so that I do not disappoint or do not make someone upset with me….stupid reasons to me. I mean yes when I was owned I did not want my Daddy disappointed or mad at me but that was not the main reason I submitted – I submitted because I wanted to please him and it made me feel good inside.

I do not feel good inside.

I do not know what to do.

I do not know how to act.

I do not know if I am submissive.

I am still interested in D/s…I mean I am thinking of it. I have stories, articles and do research on D/s still. I just do not know where I belong….how I fit into D/s at this moment.

Another really weird thing is….actually kind of scary is that I have only craved pain once in 2 months. Which those of you who know me know is amazing lol

Recently I tried to do an essay on service, submission, and surrender and what each meant to me. But it was something that was a struggle. I know it when I feel it but right now I think because I do not feel them I cannot put them down in words.

Okay I am done rambling for now…

peace & serenity,

Friday, December 01, 2000

Not Around

Jackie's here for the weekend - So probably not a whole lotta writing going on this weekend.

It has been a busy week and not very good, but surviving....

peace and serenity,

Thursday, November 30, 2000

A Path with Heart

I have had a lot of people writing me telling me I was very brave to write and post what I did in my last blog entry. I want to Thank Everyone who has wrote with support. :)

I guess I do not feel I am brave. Yes, I think it take courage to walk through this life and deal with all that we come upon.

But I have dealt with most of those issues from that time in my life. I do not think that anything like that ever is just something you get over. But how you chose to let it affect your life is what counts.

A quote I came upon a while back is something I am trying to live my life by: "A path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you . . . Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself alone, one question . . . Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't it is of no use." -- Carlos Castaneda, The Teachings of Don Juan.

I guess I have always tried to live my life that way but sometimes we want to believe something so much that we do not listen to what your inner self is telling us…

peace and serenity,

Monday, November 27, 2000


This holiday weekend I ended up thinking about loyalty a lot.

When I was 18, I had a boyfriend who basically told me he owned me. I had no idea what that really meant at that time. I knew nothing of BDSM or D/s. He just said he owned me. He did many things that were non-consensual. And other things that taught me a lot about myself.

One thing he did was have me gang raped. While I was raped I had orgasms and felt very ashamed and guilty afterwards because of that. Even though I was scared, fighting and saying no and stop my body reacted. I continued to date him and do as he said after that and I am not sure why still.

After he did that to me, he used what he saw that night against me. He saw that I had orgasms and that part of myself fought against it because I did like it. That lack of control and fear has always been a turn on for me. But I still do not agree with how he handled it - it was non-consensual to me. How he treated me changed after the gang rape, it became more dangerous and pushing the edge consistently. He also had been gambling lots and losing lots of money. He owed lots of people money. Because of the debts he had he needed to make money up fast. And I was an 18 year old, busty, skinny little chick and he saw dollar signs. He sold me. He prostituted me out. Most of it I have just blocked out. I remember it happening but do not want to think of the details.

I wrote this when I was starting to deal with all that happened to me - specifically being gang raped....It was a letter with anger in it and is graphic..just warning you.

The first part was from a bookmarker that a friend sent me.

Confronting dragons

Overcoming the obstacles

Understanding the risks

Really living

Always believing

Going the distance

Expecting the BEST

We all are different - each a unique creation of God. I suppose that is why we all look at things differently - why we all have our own definition of hope, faith, happiness, peace, love, and courage. I believe I have courage. I am very proud of myself for my courage.

I received "What is Courage," from a friend, who is also a rape survivor. We are reading a book titled "The Courage to Heal - A Guide for Woman Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse" The book is mainly for woman survivors of child sexual abuse - but it speaks the truth for all sexual abuse survivors. I told her I did not think I had it in me - the courage to heal. She, being a good friend, reminded me I did. She wrote me a wonderful, supportive letter and sent a bookmaker that had "What is Courage" on it. I know I have courage. I needed reminding.

So what is courage to me? Courage to me is coping with that fact that I was forced to perform oral sex on four men. Courage is knowing that if I were to fight them any more I would not live when each of them took their turn having sex with me. Courage is blocking out things that my mind and body could not cope with at the age of 18 - like having my face shoved into a mattress while each man had anal sex with me. Courage to me is being raped by four men and being able to walk out of that house ALIVE. Courage is still going on after all that those men have stolen. Courage is dealing with my rape after stuffing it away and pretending it did not happen for so many years. Courage is looking at all they took away from me/how they altered my life and start grieving the losses and taking back control of my life.

So . . .

"C" is for Confronting the dragons - four men who raped a 18-year-old in a very vicious and violent way. The images stay in front of my eyes almost 24 hrs a day. Yet I am not pretending it did not happen anymore. I am facing those dragons daily!

"O" is for Overcoming the obstacles - many obstacles to over come from this situation. First one in overcoming it was accepting it happened to me. Next was trying to feel again and trying to identify my feelings stuffed away since the day they raped me. Now that I am healing, another obstacle came up . . . who am I now? Finding that out and trying to show myself that I deserve to love and live.

"U" is for Understanding the risks - took me 11 yrs to let my rape out. When I did admit it to myself, it took me another three months to tell my therapist about it. Big Risks - because I was going to have to give up a way of life - not dealing with anything - stuffing everything away - and existing instead of living.

"R" is for Really Living. This is a wonderful part of courage and probably the most scary for someone in my situation. The day I broke the silence - I started living. Some days I would give anything to go back and keep it all inside because the pain of it is unbelievable. I am living the rape again - only I think now it is worse. However, I am living it which means I will heal - because it is not buried eating away/taking away the rest of me left.

"A" is for Always Believing - I will always believe that - I will heal. I believe I will gain control back from those monsters. I will see my worth - I will know that it is not my fault. I will stop the chaos in my life. I will succeed in my dreams. I will be able to focus again. I will have peace of mind and heart again. I will LIVE again.

"G" is for Going the distance. I have traveled a long road to get here and the road ahead is even longer, but I know I can make it. I will heal. I will be whole again. I am going the distance to reclaim my life from four men who stole it Dec. 31, 1985.

"E" is for Expecting the BEST! Yes, I am expecting the best - the best of me. I am going to heal and show the world me and that will be the best I have to give. The real me - a woman who is a survivor of a terrible trauma. I may not have handled it right all the time - but I know my direction now and am walking that road of healing. A long hard road - but with a bright sun shining at the end of the path.

So, I believe I know what Courage is. It is me. It is every person who feels courage in their heart and soul. It is every person who faces daily life. Living takes courage.

I wrote this many years after I was raped when dealing with it, but I have had to come back to it often these days. Things happened. And to heal I do things to reclaim my power. To re-write the past. Recently I have had people try to take my power away again. But I am here to tell you, that is not possible. I am in D/s where it is all about giving up power….Consensually.

And that doesn't mean I just roll over because I am submissive when someone tries to take my power away when I don't consent to it. So I am fighting out :)

You probably are wondering why I started this off with loyalty though.

Shortly after I left my boyfriend when I was 18, that did all those things to me, I had a very good friend start flirting with him. I had not told anyone about what was going on - not even told anyone I was seeing him. But I just warned her that he was bad news and he had hurt me more then I could explain. I cried and just told her to trust me as a friend that he was hurt me very deeply and I did not want her to be hurt like I was. She was very kind said she was sorry he was a jerk and that she understood. I week went by and I heard that she was dating him. I went to her and said why are you dating him. She said “well he is good to me.”

I don't know if I can say that person was really a friend because she didn't trust my judgment and also she was loyal to me. To me her dating him meant it was okay he raped me.

If I have a friend come to me as say this person hurt me and they are not a good person, then I will not be friends or interact. The most they would get is civil.

A friend told me today about a person that has hurt me recently that if she saw him hurt in the street she would not help him. One because she is so outraged at what he did to me. And two she kind of thinks it is karma.

I have a lot of friends and so many of them have touched me to where I love them as more then just friends and would do anything I could to help them. When they touch my heart, I feel for them. I feel their happiness and pain. So if they are happy I want to celebrate with them. And if they are hurt I want to protect and comfort them. And if the person who hurt them comes near me why would I trust them? Why? Why would I be friends with them?

I have gone the route were maybe they can learn if I try to teach them how people should treat people. Well, I guess I have tried it with each of the people that have hurt me and I always get burned the second time around. 3rd time is not a charm with me….you are out.

I guess what I want to say those of you that are my friends out there….I will protect you, I will defend you, I will honor your name and give you the respect that those that have harmed you have not….I will be loyal. I will have the courage to stand up for you and believe in you.

peace and serenity,

Tuesday, November 21, 2000

Okay this might be a long blog or a short one...

Need to talk about – Last week – This weekend – Art – Jackie – SMART….

Last week I was sick. I had a migraine every day of the week. I was sick to my stomach on and off all week. So I was not a happy camper. I worked on a few websites but was not really able to give it my full 'til Friday and then I just kind of threw myself into it and loved every moment of being creative. Something I crave deeply at times…to let myself just be creative.

This weekend – Friday night was peaceful. Daddy and I talked and then at dinner and talked more. Finally I went online to finish website stuff. I am hoping that this week I get my personal website up and running : ) Saturday – We had a GREAT day! It is amazing how well everything came together. It was just a series of simple little things , but it made me feel good. We got up early to run errands. I needed to get my tags for my car. We called the bank and of course were kind of tiring to figure out how to do that and get there other things we needed too. I had money coming from a job thought the check might be in the mailbox so we decided to head out and check the mail on our way. My Daddy recently started a new job and we thought it might be Dec 1 before he were to get paid so we were scraping by….so I got the mail and besides my money – there was a check from his company. So that was a VERY pleasant surprise. Sometimes money – having it – creates less stress’ in my life. So we were very happy about that!! RENT can be paid yippeee!! LOL We then went to the DMV – where as most people know you usually stand in line forever - I thought hmm a Saturday is going to be terrible. I was in line maybe 10 mins and in the the DMV a total of like 20 mins if that! It was awesome! We then went to breakfast at Bob Evan’s – weekend mornings are packed – it was but we only waited like 10 mins and then were sat had the most wonderful waitress and then our food was out in less then 5 mins. So everything just went so smoothly on Saturday day. Saturday night – was SMART…a local bdsm meeting. We had a nice time seeing lots of friends. Then M and SJ came back home with us and Daddy sessioned SJ – heard her moans all the way into the living room so I know she had a good time! LOL I know she needed it too : )

Sunday – We got up early and headed to see Jackie. Oh how I missed her…It was only a week since I had seen her and I missed her sooooo much. She and I had a non verbal miscommunication. We caught her just as she was getting out of the shower *yummy* and I just got this feeling she did not want to be kissed. So I did not kiss her even though I wanted too. Then we all talked for a while and then went to eat – made some stops on the way back to her place {the art store being one – tell of the significance of this later lol}. When we got back Daddy had to give her a punishment, so I sat on the couch and took a nap – Oh I was soo tired from being up early on Saturday and then late to bed and then up early again on Sunday. When they were done, Jackie came to get me to come hang out with them. Daddy had left the room for a moment and Jackie and I talked for a moment Jackie said she had got the feeling from me that I had not wanted to kiss her. And I said no, I have wanted to soo many times but felt she did not want me too so I did not. LOL So we were both wanting the same thing and neither of us feeling the other wanted it. So we got over that *smiles *

Jackie took us to the clay studio. It was incredible just to see her in her environment! Just watching her pat clay into molds – she as she would say was not doing anything – but it still was incredible. What was more incredible was asking her about her next project. Watching her talk about it…I could see the pain but also the pride in the subject she was doing. Art is truly an expression of the artist – emotional very vulnerable and exposed. I am not going to give away what the project is but I will when it is done and been critiqued. I did see lots of her other work – she had in her apt. She is soooo talented. I am very proud of her. She had a painting in the hall of a nude woman but it had blue under tones in some parts and I meant to ask her about it but did not have time. I had feelings I am not sure I can verbalize on it yet. Then I saw me - lol - well she used me as model for a teapot that she created. It was really good – the teapot – not me : )

It was hard to leave. I hate leaving her and it will only get harder too but she is worth it. She hates it when I cry and I cry SOO MUCH lol - and I of course started crying. She was joking yelling at me to stop. I know she does not like it because when her friends and loved ones are in pain – hurt – sad – cry – she feels with them and she hates to cry.

Right now is a hard time on Jackie. And I am at a loss of how to help her. I mean this is something I have no experience with – and do not even know how to even begin to understand what she is feeling. Her mom has cancer. It is an anniversary coming up on thanksgiving for it and now is another date of waiting to find out results on tests for her mom. The anniversary, the waiting, and the holding point is hard on Jackie. As I imagine it should be, but I have no idea how to comfort her. I just want to hug her and hold her and take all her pain away. I want to magically be able to make her mom better so she will not have to go through any of this. She is so young and I cannot imagine going through something like this at her age. She is brave and strong.

Okay next topic – Sunday when with Jackie, we went into an art store. She had to get some plaster. And while she was doing that I went and fondled some pastels. : )

When we came out of the art store I got upset because I felt sad. I was sad that I have lost a part of my life and not sure how to get it back - my art. I have not touched it in such a long time and I just am scared to try it again. And it made me long for it today being in the art store – it made me sad also for not doing – sad for being scared of doing it. So, I am going to try this week to decide what I need to do. If I should pursue it more {which the answer is most likely yes – just need to convince myself lol).

Monday was a day that I chose not to think about at this time…….

I need to get to the store tonight to get ingredients to make the pies for Thanksgiving. Daddy and I are going to SJ’s for Thanksgiving! : )

More to come later……

peace & serenity,

Friday, November 17, 2000

Introduction to people in my life.....

Daddy – He is my Daddy (not biological) and I love him a lot. Our relationship is hard to explain. I live with my Daddy. He was my Master for 2 years, but are not in a M/s relationship anymore. We still very much have a D/s power structure and he is always my Daddy. A role he has had from the moment I met him and I feel he will always. He is an incredible man of great honor and integrity. He has more then anyone I have ever known. He is very wise about D/s. He sees a bigger picture (more then a lot of Dominants that I have come across). He looks to see how things will effect the submissive, because if you damage the submissive then you will not have a toy to play with. *smiles* I would say he comes across arrogant to most people, but it is not arrogance they are seeing it is confidence in himself and his beliefs. He does not have a problem telling people he disagrees with them. And even though at times it makes me uncomfortable as a submissive (because I hate hurting peoples feelings), it is one of the reasons I love him because he is strong in his beliefs, values, ethics, integrity and honor.

Jackie – she is my little sister. She is my Daddy’s submissive and “daughter.” She is a wonderful beautiful woman…an extraordinary artist. I love her and feel our relationship is just beginning. I hope that one day she sees what I see when I look at her. She does not live with us, but comes home at least one long weekend a month! Not enough but better then nothing. She is going to study in Italy in January until May and it is going to be a long 5 months for my Daddy and I. She is young in age and wise in years. She knows more about living life to it fullest then anyone I have met. She has not wasted a moment of her life. And I admire all that she is and all that she will be.

Honeyrose – She is my beautiful incredible girlfriend. She had to move out of the US for her job. I have not seen her for a year and half but hope to be going to Europe in the early spring. I miss her dearly and love her just as much. She is very strong and courageous. She has more strength then she has given herself credit for but I think right now – at this point her life – she is finally seeing it! I know she can do anything she puts her mind to. She can stop traffic or stay at home and bake cookies with her son – all the roles in her life she can do – with love and beauty. She has it all. I remember so many special moments with her. First time seeing her in person - first time being with her in person - **grin* - and the first time I realized I was in love with her. I love you my HoneyRose

Di – She is my best friend. I meet her here in Cleveland – 2 years ago Nov 6th. She has been with me through all the good and bad times I have had since coming to Ohio. She is a true friend and I am very lucky to have her in my life. Di is a wonderful mom and wife. She is very pretty and sexy (even though she will deny it). She is person who has many talents and lots of potential that she does not see, yet. *smiles* I hope that someday she lets someone in enough to show her all that is there.

SJ – she is a wonderful woman/mom/friend/submissive.  She is very spiritual. She is an intuitive, sensitive, sensual, passionate woman. She listens and sees. She is an important part of my life. And when she does not see the path she is suppose to go she just trusts that it will be shown to her. She has strength, faith and courage that are amazing.

Mistress DM – hmmm what do I say about her…..**smiles** - She is very wise. She seems to know what I am thinking. She can get in my head easily it seems. She is a female Dominant that I have only known a year but probably knows more about how my submissive mindset works then anyone. She would like to own me and the thought of being hers has crossed my mind a few times *grin* She has incredible way of expressing herself – she can take a hard topics or issue and say it with just the *right* words. I will ramble – vent and afterwards she can sum up the heart of the issue in one line that is very meaningful but so clear and concise. Anyway I respect her very much and appreciate that she is in my life.

Moni – *smiles* I meet Moni because she came up to introduce herself to me after I gave a speech at SMART on living as a 24/7 slave. I saw in her eyes then that we would understand each other sometimes without even speaking words. She is a Dominant woman that submits to one man. I have seen her grow as person, submissive and Dominant in the time I have known her and I really am very proud of all the work she does to keep moving forward – growing and learning more about herself. She is very non- judgmental and loves easily (just like me.) She feels the pain of her friends and feels their joys too. She is empathetic. A quality that I think will help allow her to be a very good Dominant. She is already but it just will allow her to grow even more as a Dominant. She has also been here for me a lot when I needed her love, strength, and support. I am lucky to have so many good friends.

These are just a few people that play a part in my life. There are more and I will add them as I talk about them.

peace & serenity,

Thursday, November 16, 2000

Okay I have been procrastinating

What's new? LOL

I am a big procrastinator. I have been as long as I can remember. I wonder what makes some people procrastinate and others do not. I think most people have put things off a little bit, but are not as much of a procrastinator as I am.

I sometimes think that is why I want a Dominant and also my Daddy in my life. Because I will be held accountable for my actions. I have not really ever been held accountable.

My parents would get mad at my grades or something similar to that but all I got was a lecture and not always that (sometimes it just was let go with no one caring). The lecture did not stop me from doing it again. I would just hear that I needed to do better. But why? I never knew why.

On to more pleasant topics….

This weekend was interesting as always…when Jackie comes home to visit.

This weekend special memories were created with Jackie. I love her very much and am happy to have had the time with her I did.

Wednesday – Jackie got here about 4:30 – 5pm and she and I just laid on the bed talking. I very much wanted to kiss her and hold her then but I needed to talk to her about how she felt about that first.

So I brought it up. She and I talked and she wanted the same things I did.

Daddy and I had talked that when it comes to sex I am like a man lol But with woman I can be woman also. But I go back and forth between the two. I am like a man because I just like to dive in and go for it - no foreplay. I just want the good stuff. And what I feel Jackie needs is me to be more of a woman. So I tried to make a conscious effort at first to be a woman and treat her like a woman.

One of my fears when getting close to someone is intimacy. Someone on a mailing list I am on said recently that woman equate love and sex. I equate intimacy with love. I can just have sex and not love the person. But to be intimate with someone to me is to love that person.

I have been craving that intimacy for a while. I miss honeyrose. But that is not the reason…I wanted to be with Jackie. I wanted to be with Jackie because I love Jackie and wanted to show her that with that level of intimacy that scares me.

There was a point on Friday night we were out at the informal, that the urge was so strong. I wanted Jackie so very much. I had been so scared and then something clicked inside when I was watching her. And I was not scared anymore. We kissed at Karaoke and I just wanted to kiss her more. Touch her more. When we got home we were changing in the bedroom and I just could not resist. I just took her and kissed her deeply pushing her against the wall. I needed that kiss..I needed her.

From then on it was good – I was not scared. And we had a great weekend. I love Jackie very much. I hope that we are a part of each others lives for a very long time.

peace & serenity,

Friday, November 10, 2000

Jackie is in town this weekend... I will not be writing much. Since trying to spend time with my beautiful little sister.

Yesterday was kind of a strange day.

Jackie and I talked a lot. Something I will get to in a moment.

There is so much floating around in my head. I do not even know where to start.

Searching for something that I am not sure I can find right now. I have myself in a situation where I just need to keep going ahead. Faith…..

Faith…I am not sure why I have it and why I always feel it can work out. Maybe I am tired and just cannot fight anymore…so I just stay where I am…and it is not really faith, but resolve.

Do not take that wrong – just know I am kind of writing without really examining.

New Topic…Jackie and I….

Jackie is young and as we get closer I want to have a more intimate loving relationship with her. I want to kiss – touch – hold her and show her how much she means to me. But I am also very scared I am going to hurt her. I want to reach out touch her – pull her too me – snuggle close to her but I am also scared to do it. She has said she wants the same things…so I know it is there so why not just do it? I have not idea. I am just scared.

The writing….

I started the writing on what is the difference between submission, service, and surrender to me. So far they are just basic concepts wrote down.

I have also started writing on why I do not think submission is a gift. I will put that on the blogger once I have it done too.


Tonight we are all going out to the informal of a local group. One of the local BDSM groups I belong to has a formal meeting once a month – with a topic and/or demo. And then they also have an informal social….go to dinner and karaoke and just hang out and talk and have some fun together. Daddy, Jackie, SJ and I are all going together and then we are meeting Di there. It was Di’s birthday on Monday and her and my anniversary of meeting each other. Nov. 6th Di and I have known each other 2 years. I am very lucky to have her in my life. She has been a FANTASTIC friend!!!

I need go and get going on my day....

peace & serenity,

Wednesday, November 08, 2000

About Me....

After reading what Danae means again, I am thinking people probably think I am a very depressing person lol

I am the person that is described but I am much more then those mere words. I have lots of different facets. Which I think by reading that, you can see it in the words there is more there.

So here is a look at Danae from my perspective….

I am very emotional…I go with my heart over my intellect. It gets me in trouble at times and it also has been right on things the majority of the time. I am sensitive to others sometimes on deeper level then I want - because I end up feeling their pain.

I have a good imagination. I am creative - talented - when I put my mind to it. I have so many interests that I have trouble deciding which ones to pursue. I have plenty of inner ambition, but I am aware of a tendency toward indecisiveness. Especially when I am emotionally stressed.

I do at times lack a great deal of self-confidence. And at other times there is no stopping me. I am kind of up and down lol

I am honest and loyal. I am supportive and understanding.

I have a hard time communicating. I really never knew this was a problem until recently. There are some people who seem to get what I am saying really easily and others I can explain things over and over and over. And they just don't get it. It is easier for me to write then talk.

I am shy until I get to know a person. Often hide nervousness by making jokes. Or just being totally silent. :)

I like labels for myself. I am bisexual, polyamorous submissive. I am an artist. I am a woman and a little girl.

I once had someone tell me he was Dominant only in the bedroom. And that is fine for him. But I am not just submissive in the bedroom. I am submissive. Just like I am an artist. I am not just an artist in the art studio or at a drawing table. Because I am an artist the way I look at life, react, see, and feel about the world and the things happening and going on around me are effected. Just as I am a submissive and I see the world and react and feel a certain way to experiences because I am submissive. That does not mean I submit to everyone in the world. Just that I see things as a submissive. Just as I see things as an artist and a woman.

Hmmm I believe in that all things happen for a reason. I try to see the good in all until I get hurt to much..and even then it is hard for me to write them off.

I am smart, fun, social, sensual, passionate, compassionate, cute and adorable (adding that for my Daddy), honest, supportive, emotional, sensitive, loving, kind, courageous, strong. (Okay so I took a poll to ask people what they thought when they thought of me and these are what they said lol)

I am Danae....I know who I am and what I want. I laugh often, live passionately, and love deeply.

peace & serenity,

(ps: if you are coming here via Ownership and Enslavement Weblogs - I switched to beta blogger a while back and since then the rss feed doesn't work. And so it goes back this entry. Please go here to see more current entries.)

Tuesday, November 07, 2000

Life Update: Wednesday to Tomorrow

I have not posted in a while and my life has been busy. How does it do will be going long real slowly and then all of sudden a week has passed and I am not sure where it even really went.

Trying to recount my days…not sure where Wednesday and Thursday went.

Friday - my day was spent trying to work but it ended up being wasted - I ended up not working. I did accomplish a few things on my list such as my errands and I got to see a friend of mine, E. She is a lot of fun. We have not know each other long – we work together and the more I find out about her the more and more I think we are alike and could be really good friends.

The first time I met her she was so cute (she is always cute really). I told her I was in D/s and told her briefly of my experiences. And her response was “wow you are a real submissive.” She has an interest in D/s – BDSM so I have talked with her about it some. I think she would really like to pursue it more. I need to invite her to come with us to groups and such.

Saturday - We went to a play party. We were with lots of friends and had a great time. My Daddy sessioned a good friend of ours SJ. And then he helped co-top another good friend ours Rach. Rach had some really nice marks…. they were the raised purple/red/blood at the surface kind of marks. Mmmmmmmmmm they looked yummy.

It was a small group and I like that because this dungeon although it has nice equipment is kind of tiny.

Sunday was a lazy day. I did laundry and then Daddy and I went to dinner at a Chinese restaurant I really like.

Monday – I worked. I worked with E. Her and I had a good time working together even though the work got to be a little long. I then came home and cleaned the kitchen. Daddy came home with groceries. My boss stopped by to get something from me. She stayed and talked a long while. Daddy made dinner…while I talked with my boss. Dinner was really good. I was so hungry. I had not eaten all day. Also he got me Diet Coke which I was so happy about I had not had one all day. LOL I am addicted to it. I really have cut down A LOT….I was drinking almost a 2 liter a day. Not I am down to 2 glasses a day.

Last night Mistress DM called me. She moved to the west to be where she has always wanted to be. We had a nice talk in which she asked me to write something for her….on what is submission, service, and surrender are to me….fun fun LOL

I really do not understand how she knows me so well when I try not to give her much info lol

BTW I have started list of names of people who will frequent my journal entries and given some feelings or background to who they are and what they mean to me.

Tomorrow – My lil sis comes home for the weekend!!!! Yippeeee!!!! :) Jackie is the greatest. I have lots floating around about her but I need to discuss it with her before writing about it here.

Okay so that is what has been happening in my life. How have I been feeling in my life? When I made this journal and chose the name danae….I told myself it was because I wanted to start a new chapter of my life. And I had some things in my mind to journal about. Has that got done yet? No! Why? I am very good at procrastinating. LOL Also, not sure I want to think about it…I like to live in denial at times and this is one time I think. And a blog makes you see it in black and that you can't hide from the truth.

I need to get some things done today before Jackie comes home.

I wish everyone a great week!

peace & serenity,

Tuesday, October 31, 2000

Who is it about?

This was a post to a few email groups, but I wanted to repost here...

I asked the question on a few egroups - Who is it about? Is a D/s relationship about the submissive or the Dominant?

Here is what I wrote after the discussions on egroups and a discussion on IRC that I lead....

When I first heard “It’s not about you,” I thought it is not – that is true – it is not about me. I believed it was about the Dominant and what he wanted, needed and desired. But after hearing it used a lot, how it was used, and after being in a long term D/s relationship. It has now made me think about it more.

I do think that submissive submits to the will of the Dominant and what the Dominant want and needs but if the submissives needs were not being met and her emotional/mental/physical health were being harmed then why would the submissive stay. I think that it is the same for the Dominant if his needs are not being met and he was being harmed by the relationship then why would he stay. What good would come if either party in the relationship where doing something that would harm the couple as a whole?

It is D/s – it is a Power EXCHANGE – the Dominants uses his dominance over the submissive and the submissive submits to his will….it is a continuous flow. If the submissive stopped submitting the Dominant would not be in a D/s relationship. And if the Dominant stopped being Dominant over of the sub, then the submissive would not be in a D/s relationship. So how can it be just about one.

If one side thinks it is always about them and do not ever taken into account the needs of the others it would cause a strain in the relationship. There is a give and a take in all relationships – if it is all take on one said then that creates and imbalance and causes strain that will eventually lead to the relationship being torn apart.

I was in a discussion room where we used this as a topic – Who is it about…

Some basic ideas expressed were that the submissive gives of herself, at first in the relationship, more then Dominant exerts his Dominance over her. And because the submissive is giving so much of herself the Dominant says, “hey this is kind of nice” and just expects that this is how it is always going to be. Or see that this is all they have to “do” to receive her submission and trust. One of my theories why a submissive does this is because she does not want to rejected or told she is not a “good” submissive so she tries to overdo. The submissive then gets to a point where she cannot keep giving all she has or does not want to because she feels used and mistreated because she can’t feel or see his Dominance equaling the submission she gives him. I am not saying that this happens in all relationships. This was just the overall general consensus of the people in the chat room. And something I have seen in many relationships.

One submissive gave this as an example of Dominance and showing it is about both the Dominant and the submissive….she said that if she is making a sandwich and asks her Master if he would like one also – that that is a vanilla act of kindness. But if she was out mowing the yard and he called her in to make him a sandwich. Then that is submission from her and Dominance from him. But if that were to happen though on a regular basis without some kind of recognition that she would feel mis-used or taken for granted.

I wrote the question who is it about on some mailing list and someone came back saying that during punishment it is about the Dominant. I have to disagree. The rules are set and a submissive breaks the rule the punishment is set not because the submissive is “bad” or “worthless” but because there needs to be correction and consequences for the submissives actions. I believe the punishment is about both the Dominant and the submissive, because in the end the punishment is helping the submissive in serving the Dominant better – so it is about the Dominant. But the punishment is for the submissive because she does want to do her best in serving and she does need to know that there will be consequences for her actions. So it is to help her also.

I believe outwardly it does seem about just the Dominant, but inwardly it needs to be about both. I think in the short term it ends up being about the Dominant, but in the long term of the relationship it has to be about both. Because if you put a focus on just one side of the relationship eventually that imbalance will cause it a strain - to be weighed down and then pull apart. So in my D/s relationships it is about us because it is a Power Exchange.

I hope everyone has a very fulfilling relationship....

Good Night...


Saturday, October 28, 2000

Diary of an Old Guard Slave

I was going to do a brief intro of myself but not ready to do that yet so I will wait.

I am reading Vi Johnson’s book right now…Diary of an Old Guard Slave. And it is interesting but it also leave me wondering about lots of things….

BTW, side note…I want to thank my friends who gave it to me on my birthday. It meant more a lot to me more then I can explain.

I wish I were to know why her Owner’s did the things they did, why she did not go to her wife and say look I am feeling: fill in the blank – angry, neglected, used, worthless, tired, sick and so on, why her wife did not pull her out of some situations, why Vi felt and thought certain things, and how she kept going in the situations she was in.

I lived as a 24/7 slave for 2 years and things that Vi describes I also did….and it was hard to keep going day after day like that and Vi did it for years – 20 yrs or more. And I just do not understand how she kept it all inside and did not let it seep out.

peace and serenity,

Friday, October 27, 2000

Blogger Here I Come...

This is my first post to my blogger...woohoo lol

I created a new name for myself today and so with that step into a new direction...I decided to creat this blogger and start posting my thoughts, rants, raves and whisperings.

I created a new name that fits me better then I think any other name has - Danae. There is a painting by Gustav Klimt titled Danae. I have been drawn to it for years. Here is a link to a picture of the painting:

I did a search trying to find out what the painting meant...Who Danae was....And I found out that she is the mother of Perseus in Greek Mythology. When doing a search on Danae I came up with a site that told the meaning of names...and it had Danae listed.

It is what made me see that the name Danae was meant for me....

Here is what it read:
The name of Danae gives you a clever, quick, analytical mind, but you suffer with a great deal of self-consciousness, lack of confidence, and much aloneness because of misunderstandings. Your idealistic and sensitive nature gives you a deep appreciation for the finer things of life and a strong desire to be of service to humanity. There are times when you experience inner turbulence at your inability to say what you mean. It is far easier for you to express your deeper thoughts and feelings through writing than verbally. You find pleasure in literature, in poetry, and in your ideals and will turn to them when you feel you have been misunderstood. You are deeply moved by the beauties of life, especially nature. Because your feelings run deep, you must guard against the ups and downs, being very inspired one minute, then moody, reserved, and depressed the next. Your reactions to people vary according to how you feel. You tend to be secretive and noncommittal about private matters, yet at times you will talk effusively in order to hide your self-consciousness or to lead others away from personal subjects. You are inspired by encouragement from others, yet suspicious of their intent. You crave affection but seldom find anyone who understands your nature. Physical weaknesses would show in your heart, lungs, or bronchial organs.

Those above words describe me almost too well.....

So today I created the name Danae and start a new path....

Good Night...

peace & serenity,
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