Saturday, June 29, 2013

A Day in the Life of a Slave

I wrote a piece like this years ago, but I really think it needs to be updated and addressed again.

One day recently....
* made breakfast
* got our meds/vitamins and such
* refilled our daily medicine container
* Master took a shower so I laid out clothes for him
* got things out for dinner and prepped them
* threw a load of clothes in the washer
* worked on a project for Master's business
* took a shower
* made lunch
* switched out laundry
* wiped down the bathroom sink, counter and toilet
* unloaded and loaded the dishwasher
* put the last load of wash in the dryer or hung to dry
* created a to-do list for errands we were running - made sure I had everything on my grocery lists and did a final check of pantry and fridge to make sure anything else I needed to add
* gathered up our packages, grocery sacks and other items needed to run errands
* ran a couple errands with Master - including going to bank, post office and 2 different grocery stores
* put groceries away
* made dinner
* cleaned up dinner dishes, loaded dishwasher and ran it, swept kitchen, wiped counters and stove top down
* finished up a project for Master 
* had some me time - did some art journaling for a couple hours
* unloaded the dishwasher before bed at 1am

I know I am forgetting things - like him asking me to get him a water or snack, picking up clothes on the floor, looking for a bill we needed to do while we were out doing errands.  Just lots of things go on in the day. All these things are normal every day things people do throughout the day.  

A friend asked recently "What makes your life different than your neighbor?" I believe mostly it is his expectations of me and my intention behind everything. When I first became his, he made sure that he told me how he wanted things. I worked to bend to those desires. So now my thoughts are of him all day - what I need to do for Master and how can I enhance his life.

I mean really if it was just me in this house and doing these things - some of them would have been put off until the next day.  But I unloaded the dishwasher at 1AM as I know Master likes a clean sink and there were a few dirty bowls in the sinks so unloaded it and loaded it before bed. I also knew there would be a busy morning the next day so I didn't want those to sit there until the next afternoon as that was the soonest I would have been able to get to them when doing other higher priority things.  Sometimes - it does sit there as I just can't get to everything at times.  

As you will see in this account of a day - there was no BDSM and no sex.  We don't have sex everyday. We don't have kinky play everyday. You don't really even see the control in that account of a day - although there is control there. It is established control where I know what is expected of me and I do it. Meaning you don't see on that schedule every time I  go the bathroom throughout the day  - I have to ask permission. Or that I wait at mealtime until he gives me the go-ahead to eat. Or that I set his clothes out in a certain way because that is what he expects.  Or that I rinse the dishes off almost as though they were washed - before putting in the dishwasher as he prefers that. 

Our lives look very vanilla from the outside, but with the expectations he has, the control he has and my intention behind everything I do - my day is filled with M/s as the foundation. It is there while I unload the dishwasher at 1am.  It is there while I am having me-time - doing art because I know he is allowing it and he can stop it at any moment for me. I know it is there when I do all the household chores throughout the day.  It is just so a part of our lives that it very subtle to the outside viewer.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

30 Days of Kink - Day 22

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy?  How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Really I don't think there is much difference between BDSM relationships and vanilla in keeping a healthy relationship. Each takes compatibility, communication and just working to keep it going. All those things apply to BDSM as well as vanilla. Master and I have compatibility in our O/p and M/s beliefs and have that as our foundation. As well as being compatible in countless other areas - non-bdsm things as well as bdsm. Vanilla relationship would have different things they are compatible, but as humans we are all different so we each have different areas that we are compatible.  

I do think often we put too much emphasis on how we are different from vanilla relationships when I think basics in relationships are just a part of all relationships.

Friday, June 07, 2013

Submission is a Gift?

This is one of those debates that has happened from I am sure the dawn of the BDSM community.  So I am not sure many will be surprised as I have written about it before, but Submission is NOT a gift to me. 

I often feel we wrap things in neat little slogans and one liners to help people deal with us. Such as if we say to a vanilla person - "we only submit to those worthy of my gift" - that maybe it will make them not look at us like we aren't freaks. Or maybe we do it to not scare the new people entering the "okay you need to understand your submission is a gift and you give it to only those d-type worthy."  I really don't think saying it is helping anyone. 

"Submission is a gift"  also seems that it is a very romanticized version of D/s. Just like with the new person...saying that "my d-type is worthy of my gift and he cherishes me and I kneel at his feet with adoration" is very nice idea for some. But you know what I get from bdsm isn't coming from kneeling or Master treating me like a precious gift.  I would prefer he knock me down and wipe his feet on me thank you very much - that is my idea of romance.  So submission as a gift doesn't really work for me.

Some reasons why I don't believe submission is a gift:

* As with most things - I start with a dictionary. I enjoy what actual definitions of words can do to perspective. So the word "gift" means: a thing given willingly to someone without payment, something acquired without compensation and a natural ability or talent. I don't expect payment or compensation from Master when I submit, but reality is I get things from submitting to Master. I feel more centered - more myself and more aligned with who I am when I submit so I am getting a compensation of submission.  So by that definition submission isn't a gift as I get something in return. Also I often think why I read that definition it means Master gets this gift and he does nothing, but receive it. As a gift means you aren't getting compensation so with nothing to do in return so he can just sit there and receive the gift, right? But again reality is that he isn't just sitting there receiving. He is controlling. He is my ultimate authority and obviously he does things that compel me to submit. He has done things to enslave me also. So again submission isn't a gift. 

* I have heard that submission is the best gift you can give a dominant.  But again my reality dictates that isn't the best gift. I don't think submitting is a gift - it is a quality you have and out of all the qualities that go into my M/s relationship - I am still not sure submitting is the top of the list. Surrender might be up there.  Obedience. Dedication. Determination and enthusiasm. How about the many varied skills I can offer in service to help enhance Master's life. Trust, honesty, openness and loyalty are pretty good qualities to have also.  I have much more than submission to offer to a relationship. 

* In terms of slavery -- gift implies choice to me and I don't have a choice. I submit because I am owned. 

* I think calling it the gift of submission makes it seem more important than what the dominant does in the relationship. And of course that isn't true. A relationship takes all parties being involved in it to make it work. 

* Flowers are a gift. Chocolates are a gift. There are many wonderful gifts out there. Giving flowers and chocolates means seeing the person smile and feeling good about it. It is a pretty package. Submission isn't always fun or pretty. It isn't always something I enjoy. It is something that is a part of my relationship and overall fulfills me, but sometimes it isn't fun or pretty. 

* Again a gift to me implies giving something that is in a pretty package and I struggle. I don't always do it willingly or freely - I do it because it is my duty as his slave. I am human and I struggle with submission at times so not much of a gift when giving it with that associated with it.  

* If submission is a gift and you have limits and want to negotiate than is that a gift with strings?  So really doesn't fit the definition of gift.  Also when a gift is given, the receiver of said gift owns the gift then and can do what they want with it.  Because giving a gift means giving ownership of that to another person completely. My Aunt gave me an sweater that doesn't fit and I gave it to goodwill. It was my right as she gave me that gift - I now own it and can do with it what I like. I can appreciate that she gave me a gift and like it that she was kind and thoughtful without "cherishing the sweater."  So to me giving a gift of submission can imply that the person you are giving it to now owns it and really not everyone wants to be in an O/p type relationship.

* I have also heard the gift is really trust and love so that you can submit to the "one."  Many many years ago I had a friend that was owned and lived several hours away from me. I didn't really know her Owner well, but just the bits and pieces I had heard about him through her and various other people in their local community. And although she was always talking very respectfully of him - I wasn't impressed with what I heard of him. In order to visit her though, he asked me to be in service to his house while staying with him. He wanted me to submit to him while staying in house and visiting her. Well I didn't know him that well - so trust had not been built. I didn't love him. In fact I was feeling a little annoyed towards him, but I wanted to see my friend so I told him I would submit. And I did.  So my point is you don't always need trust and love to submit. I did find that time of submitting to him very fulfilling for me, but I didn't need trust or love or tell him my submission was a gift.  I felt compelled to submit and did. 

* I enjoy submitting and why can't we just admit that and use common sense in who we submit too. I guess I just feel sometimes that phrase submission is a gift allows the person using as a way to get out of personal responsibility  So they can blame the dominant for things not going right....."well he didn't cherish my gift" or "he didn't deserve my gift." Instead of saying "hey I fucked up and didn't really think about if I was compatible with this person."  It just seems like a way to get out of taking responsibility for our own lives. We are submissive doesn't mean we can't make rational decisions and be clear on what we want and need in a relationship.  

I don't need submission to be a gift. I need to be clear in who I am and find the person that matches those qualities.  And I am lucky to say I did in Master. 

Thursday, June 06, 2013

Different not Deeper

 The lifestyle isn't a continuum with bottom being a starting point and  slave being the end point. We are each different and we all have labels that we use to describe who we are and what type of relationship we are in -  top, bottom, dominant, submissive, daddy, little girl, Sir, pet, kinky, Master, slave and so on and so forth.  An endless supply of labels to apply to ourselves -  each different.

Often in the lifestyle I hear that BDSM relationships are deeper than vanilla relationships. But really I don't believe they are....I don't believe my relationship is deeper than a D/s relationship just because I am M/s. I don't believe we kinky folk are deeper than those in vanilla relationships. What we are - is different.  M/s is different from D/s.  BDSM is different from vanilla. Master and I might do things different than a couple who is D/s because we are M/s, but doesn't mean we are deeper.

Our relationships are deep because of what we put into them.  A relationship can grow into a deep and meaningful one by being compatibility, creating connection, communicating, and knowing oneself -  and none those things have nothing to do with D/s or M/s.

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