Sunday, September 30, 2001

ideal man

Last night after I posted my blogger...I chatted with Mistress DM. She helped calm me down. I know she was just being who she is...she listened and gave the appropriate comments and suggestions. And that is what I needed. So I calmed down some before going to bed. The anger had been sooooo up there when I wrote my blogger and then after she figured out something for me that had been bothering me. I got pissed when I realized the result of what she found out for me. And I slammed the same fist into the desk...Smart NOT LOL

Anyway we chatted some more after that and she calmed me down. I need to start saving all the convo's I have with her again. I did there for a while, save them all, and then I get out of the habit of it.

I still have all of Todd's and mine. And all of our emails. I have not looked at them since the week he left. I have most of Kam and mine also actually...mostly from before I moved here. I have all of Sir Nick's and read them OFTEN! lol

Anyway, I calmed down but I still could not sleep when I went to bed at 4am. I thought of Sir Nick mostly.

Last night had something happen that just kind of threw my whole evening out of whack. I should have just stayed home and went to bed lol But I didn't and because I did not....not sure..the words...but it might have been different...the ending results of the meeting I had last night.

I should go clean my bedroom it looks like a tornado hit it. I have clothes all over the room. And I want to rearrange it.

Lots of thing still going through my mind.....

How to get it all out is the question.

I am still feeling anger...but not as much as I was last night. Strange thing is right now I crave to submit. Probably because I want to give up control which means I am not in charge and if those angry feelings come out it is not because I could not control them it is because He wanted them too. So I do not have to take responsibility for them. So I crave to submit and not just submit but submit without fighting. Just feel safe and secure.

I have had feelings like that in the past I just never verbalized them. I feel I verbalize a lot more of why I think what I do then I did in the past.

Just got done having an im convo with Lisa. Her and I are alike in many ways. Her and her husband have a very neat relationship. I am envious of it. :) Lisa is great and I am glad that I am getting to know her better.

I am missing Di this weekend. She is out of town. She comes home today! Yippeee!

Jackie wrote me a letter this week. I have not responded to it yet. Not sure I am going to be able too. I did write right away after reading it and got some anger out after reading it. But then deleted that...because that would not have helped matters. And it was just for me to deal with some anger.

Yesterday someone told me that I have this image of an ideal man that is not really possible. I said you are right. I think that surprised him that I admitted it. It was shortly after Todd was in my life that I looked at that image of what I was seeking and modified be based on reality. Not that Todd was reality but what he represented can be reality. At least some of it can be. I still I think have some things that might not be possible I wrote several weeks ago in my blogger...the good with Sir Nick...make me feel very complete right now (in person I hope it is just as good) and Sir Nick and I have many things that are different wants and needs but we mesh on other levels and those are the levels that matter in the end. And that is what I have realized. I wrote several weeks ago that even if I never got to do some of my desires with Nick that it would not a would be a good life even without all my day dreams and fantasies realized.

So on that note....I am logging off...



Written Friday September 28th 2pm

I am wrong.

Today I did something wrong. I mean yes I do things wrong all the time but this one was a big one and it will NEVER happen again. It is work related and why I deviated from what I normally do I am not sure. But it will NEVER happen again.

It seems so surreal.....

Today's events. I am not sure even how to act...feel.

This week has just been a weird week emotionally. I just feel it keeps coming and one thing happens and then the next is following right after it. And so I just keep adding them up on top of each other and never sure if I am dealing with any of them.

My day yesterday started out not great. I had written a long letter to Sir Nick talking about a lot of things that were hard for me to talk about. But it was time to talk about them. So I did that and at the end reread my letter and was worried he would be mad. I mean logically there was not a logical reason but if he reacted from emotion reading it there might have been. But Nick is not that way sooo I am not sure why I worried.

Okay so had that letter hanging out there was not sure when Sir would read it. Then work things happened. And then the local Dominant wanted to meet and I had to cancel because unexpected work things came up. And he was not happy.

Writing of 1:58 Sept 30th.

I am not even sure what happened on Thursday. Friday was busy and hard because of what happened. But we are doing okay.

On Thursday I did up having a great conversation with Sir Nick about the email I had sent him. It is really hard but I confess things with him that I don't with others. I tell him my flaws and weakness'. And anyone that knows me probably has not or hardly ever heard me say anything about them. Yeah I might do a general statement of I am not a good person or I will hurt you but I never get specific. I do with Nick. He asked me to tell him what was going on.....after the email....I said to him that I did not know if I could explain it. He said don't explain....just tell me. He typed those words and I felt it. It was not like it was an order or that he was trying to make me feel his Dominance and power over me. It just was there.

Friday I just got home from after the situation that had happened...I signed on and he signed on. He has not been on at that time since his busy schedule at work started. It was like he knew I needed him. I am just on that edge of going stir crazy without contact and that is exactly when he pops up for me.

Right now I feel he is trying to make me a better a be all that I can be LOL i sound like the military slogan uggghh lol

But it is true. He does without even trying (that is how it appears to me at least) to push me further at a person. Even as a submissive.

Okay, so Saturday...

Not sure I want to write about it either. It was a hard day and I ended up meeting someone but I was not there at all because of the things that happened before I left.

I can hear in my head...Nick's solution to what went on.

I got so upset and pissed that I slammed my fist/wrist into the wall. My left wrist and hand is swollen and bruised. Not much but enough. :( Not so bright on my part.

Todd Todd Todd UGGGHHHH he has been on my mind all week and it just is not seeming to let up. Like I am almost on a new stage of greiving maybe or something is there..not sure what...but can feel it.

So much right here on the tip wanting to spill out and yet I can't let it. I can't.

If I do...I will have lost.

I should stop writing before I go places I am not up to going right now.


Wednesday, September 26, 2001

this week

Weekly overview horoscope....

Old sorrows creep into your head Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, diverting you from your current reality. Regret can be a destructive force and can have a detrimental effect on the present. The trick is to accept and learn from the mistakes of the past instead of allowing them to color and define who you are today. Reflection will help you move beyond the melancholic tugs at your heartstrings. You feel practically reborn Thursday and Friday as a combined rush of intellectual stimulation and creativity leads to a romantic beginning or reaffirmation. The weekend is likely to be busy and disjointed. While you'd prefer a less spontaneous environment, maintaining your flexibility will carry you through and give you an opportunity you might otherwise never have had.

Well, I have been thinking about Todd this week. It pisses me off to no end that he still takes any space up in my head at all. He will for the rest of my life. I love him. Not that he deserves it. It amazes me looking back that I kept going back for more with him. I mean I did have red flags with him the first time we spent the night together. Why did I not do something then? Not really regrets with him but I just do not understand why I let myself get caught up in the illusion. I learned a lot of what I wanted with Todd. And what I do not want also lol

I talked to Sir Nick today. It was really hard. Felt very weird.....

I talked with the local Dominant who I have never named here yet....not sure if i want to yet. That probably seems strange.

Lots of various things going on with work. Busy, but I am just so stressed with the things in planning that I barely can do the other stuff. I have wanted to discuss work things with Nick but his work things seem just soooo way more important to mine - especially in the grand scheme of things - that I do not bother. I really have not discussed any of those things with anyone right now.

Question that keeps going through my head right now is why do submissives need humiliation?

I need it. It is a need. And I do not understand it. It is one of those questions that I basically said okay it is how it is...accept it. But been thinking about it again recently.

I need to get some work done.....


Today's horoscope

Astronet Horoscopes

Today's horoscope.....

Now that you've conquered your fears, let your hopes and wishes come out of hiding. Initiate where you once merely reacted. If Libra is so inclined, there's a romance waiting to happen within the next few days.



Tuesday, September 25, 2001


something i got a while back.....and decided to post here.....

1. Name: danae
2. Gender: female
3. Status/Orientation: single/bisexual
4. Dom/sub/Switch: submissive
5. Nickname: online danae/ayn/annkneeling
6. Number of candles on your last birthday cake?: 33
7. Astrological Sign and what that means to you: Libra - hard to say what it means to me. so much of it hits pretty accurately with me. I have gotten more into the older I get.
8. Pets: no
9. Piercings: just ears
10. Tattoos: nope - I want both piercings and tattoos but prefer to wait to be owned - and have my owner make those choices.
11. Hobbies/Interests: art, music, reading, hanging out with friends, living, laughing and loving passionately
12. How long have you been into BDSM? I see the submissive tendencies I have had throughout my life but I was first introduced to BDSM at the age of 18 soooo that would be 15 years
13. Favorite BDSM activities: mindfuck, edge play, humiliation, anything stingy
14. Least Favorite BDSM activities: paddling
15. Favorite play toy: whisker...looks like a bull whip but with multiple tails
16. Least Favorite play toy: paddles
17. Favorite type of dungeon equipment: not even sure what to call or what it is....just was really cool lol Almost like a St. Andrews cross but with a seat coming out to sit on facing it and then a bar to wrap your ankles on and it sat at a slant so that you tilted into it. the seat was vee - so your back, ass, good bits were available to hit/use :) you could walk around it too so breasts were available too :) Had hooks in it all over so you could do bondage or be restrained in lots of different positions. It was really cool.
18. Biggest Fantasy: hmm well that would have to be being used by a dog. *blush*
19. Biggest Fear: biggest fantasy is a fear too, surrender is a fear to me to but a need also and love is a fear to me
20. Your strongest asset: strength & confidence - to love so many unconditionally
21. Your weakest link: insecurities and giving my heart away too quickly
22. Favorite BDSM-related web site:
23. Favorite BDSM book: Nonfiction: Different Loving was not that great but it keeps coming to my mind because it was the first nonfiction bdsm book I read and it was the first time that I realized I wanted to be in a 24/7 relationship after reading about the 24/7 relationship in it.
Favorite nonBDSM: Fiction: Celestine Prophecy, The Valkyries, Non-Fiction: drawing a blank at the moment.....4 agreements, Course in Miracles
24. Favorite music to scene to: Last of the Mohicans
25. Favorite BDSM related scene in a vanilla movie: hmm not sure
26. Have you been in love? yes
27. Favorite place to be kissed? neck
28. Favorite place to be hit or hit: bottom
29. Favorite type of aftercare after a scene: cuddling and talking
30. Favorite Movie: Matrix - Meet Joe Black - Dances with Wolves - too many :)
31. Favorite type of food: Oriental
32. Favorite drink: diet coke - preferably with lemon, white zinfandel or rum and coke
33. The most surprising thing about me: that i like buffy the vampire slayer :) that i am a wimp :)
34. Biggest dislike about BDSMers: the intolerance of doing D/s differently
35. Worst thing about BDSM: the lack of acceptance in the vanilla world as well as the bdsm
36. Looking for: acceptance, surrender, love
37. Favorite Quote: "A path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you . . . Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself alone, one question . . . Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't it is of no use." -- Carlos Castaneda, The Teachings of Don Juan


Faith is the daring of the soul to go farther than it can see. -- William Newton Clark

Smart Ass

I just had several interesting

Side Note: I wrote some of this today about 2:30 and posted it but did not publish and then finished it up at 12:30 so that is why it talks about tonight in it.

One with....the local Dominant that wants me to be his.....he expressed his desires tonight to me. And then with A today. A told me he after reading my journal that he feels I do not have much respect for him. That is so not true. I am a smart ass with A lots. And I guess one reason is because A does not allow it. Others get frustrated with it and just say good bye (works like a charm that way lol) And with A he does not take my crap. I do respect him a lot. He is a wise man. And given me good advice. I am still thinking of Sir Nick always. I miss him lots. I write him long rambling emails. I am sure he is getting sick of them lol I heard from SM today. He was letting me know things are crazy at work but that he is okay. I was glad he wrote me. I had written him a few times last week and so it was nice to hear back that he was okay.

I need to be doing work but not feeling like it at all lol nothing like being a procrastinator. I am listening to the new Garbage song. I like it :) I read somewhere that they are going to open for U2....that would be really cool to see Garbage and U2 together :)

I had something slightly disturbing happen tonight. Sir Rob said he tried to message me a few times earlier on yahoo and I did not answer. I was not on when when messaged. Only one person has my password. :( It could have been a yahoo gliche but maybe not either.

I feel really at odds on how to help Di right now with all she is going through. I feel like there is more I should be doing.

Lisa (she hosted the GNO a few weekends ago) and I were talking about sub drop in some emails the last couple days. I went to sub drop a few times in my life. There have been times I thought I would have sub drop when I did not though. The play partner that I have mentioned on the past that I called Sir - I did a few times with. And then I did with Todd almost always. That should tell me something. I wonder why sub drop happens? I mean it seems to not have really any set pattern. I had sub drop after have a great scene and going sub space with Sir. And then after one where I could not let go and just be...I had sub drop the next day. And then when I had Moni, Lucar and Michael bring me tears...I did not have sub drop and I thought I might with that.

Now listening to Remy Zero Save me....another good one.

I had a nightmare last night. I miss Nick.

Confused. What is NEW LOL

One of the message boards I belong to is talking about Porn Stars right now asking favorites.....

I have not seen many porn movies. But I was doing a search on some of the people that were listed and they are all very pretty women but not real. Not sure that makes sense. They are not the woman you would meet down the street you know. Anyway I few of the porn stars have pictures when they are not all made up and I liked them better. lol They were talking on this board that Rocco has done some kinky things. I would like to see what these people consider kinky lol

It is strange my perception on things is so strange....jaded maybe. Things that seem okay to me - might not be to others who have not went through the experiences I have. Like how I talk with A and the other Dominants I am sure others think that is strange or wrong. Maybe it is.....but it me. Even though I have how it would have been 4 years ago.

I was reading through some past entries in my blogger. It must be very hard to read I jump ALL over the place. But it is really how I am. This is how I talk too. Nick always said that is one reason he liked me. I am always real. Real online, the phone, my blogger....he said very sensitive and expressive. He told me he can't wait to see my face - my eyes and see how expressive they are because my voice is very expressive as well as my words and all i do. *crying*

good night...


Monday, September 24, 2001


Oh forgot to add A said tonight when he was asking me what was going on and why i felt the way i said....he said you are being evasive. I said, "it is my nature" LOL nice submissive thing to say huh? He had just got done telling me that story. I thought it fit.

I think Kam almost fell off the chair tonight. I was watching ESPN Sport Center. He just looked at an alien had entered my body and took over. LOL I am HUGE Michael Jordan fan....I was flipping channels (rarely watch tv so never know what channels are where). I was flipping and saw a picture of Michael so stopped and then realized it was a Sports Center. I watched their whole segment on Michael. It was interesting. I had not been keeping up with things on him coming back. I want to see him play. I live in a town with NBA team now.....I wonder if it is at all possible for me to get tickets. hmmmm...

Good night....

Sweet Dreams....


dream of calling Master

Well today has been okay.

Did some work and chatted with a few people. Thought about Di lots...feel I should be doing more for her.

I only got to talk to Sir Nick for about 20 mins and it getting harder each day to have it like this and yet I feel the deep need to wait for him.

Tonight I am in that mood where I want to fight. I want to say no and see the dominance or feel it. I do not like that I feel this way. I just want it to be.

A messaged me tonight. I had not talked to him in a long time. And he always asks questions that always seem very subtle but they are used to get in my head. Tonight I did not want that. I wanted that wall up and so when he started I just said no. And fought him. We ended talking on the phone. He told me I wanted to be conquered. I wanted to say oh you read my journal but I figured I had been enough of a smart ass to him on the phone as it was. It was a conversation full of no's exactly what I did not want. I told him before he called, I did not want him to call if I had to keep saying no to him in the conversation. I got to my limit and he obviously had his limit and said the conversation is going to have to end. I said yes. He said you sound near tears. I could not admit anything.

A is safe for me. He is married so I could play with him and such and not worry about where my boundaries I know exactly where they would be with him.

He told me a story for a scorpion and frog tonight. I had heard the story before but not realized it until he had already started. It is a story of a scorpion that wanted to get the other side of the river and he asks a frog and the frog says you will sting me and kill me. The scorpion says if I do that I will not get to the other side. That makes sense to the frog so he has the scorpion climb up on his back and they start across the river as they are going across the scorpion stings the frog. The frog looks up at him in horror and ask why did you do that now we will both die. The scorpion says it is my nature.

A tells me this story and says what did you learn from this story. “That is my nature to be submissive.” He wanted to know why I was fighting. And pointed out that I still submitted in a way. I do not know why....I am fighting……

I do not think I want to be conquered. I am not sure with Nick it is never that way. I just submit. I do not think it will always be that easy. I wish....*sighs*

I guess I am fighting because it is getting hard to do this without Nick. Mistress DM and I had that convo today. I told her I am doing really good at giving up control. I am a BIG control freak lol yes that coming from a submissive's mouth. But okay normally I would be asking Nick when he is going to be at home and and work and when can I chat with him and I have not asked him any of that. I just know work is first right now. He has made it clear when he talks to me it will not be this way always and that I am not forgotten. And makes me feel like I am HIS without even saying it.

It is getting harder each day not to slip into old patterns. I have several Dominants that want to have their's and I always just keep in my mind Nick....but it is hard as I feel the Dominance from the others. I just only let it get so close and then close it off and push them away...but I think of the one that has gave me so much since he came into my life. I mean I remember our first conversation so clearly is scares me. So I keep hanging on and hoping I can be a good girl for one more that I can be with the one....

The one I dream of calling Master.

Good night...


Hanging on for the Moment

I really like this song.....Lifehouse, Michelle Branch and the Calling are going to be here together and Di and I thinking of going. I really would like to. Michelle Branch's whole CD has song after song that say something to me. This Lifehouse one does too.....

Lifehouse ~ Hanging on for the Moment

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hangin by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving in to
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That could change my mind
There is nothing else...

Sunday, September 23, 2001

Message in a Bottle

This weekend has been a whirlwind....

Work, friends with lives turned upside down, Carpe Diem...and so much more. Today has been nice but I still did some work but all of it was at home and no phone and no answering emails :) So that was nice.

It has been about 3 days since I heard from Sir Nick and I know he is very busy with work but this is the longest he has went without contact. I am getting a little antsy and on edge. I miss him a lot.

There is another thing going on in my life that I have not written about at all. There is a local Dominant that has told me he wants me and basically will do what he has to to make me his. We were suppose to meet for breakfast just to talk this morning but he had something come up and was not able to get a hold of me before hand so I got "stood up." I think the manager wanted to have breakfast with me...he kept looking me up and down. I was dressed showing cleavage and in a short skirt, thigh highs and heels. It always throws me when men are so obvious....never trust it lol

Sir Nick is in my mind always...through everything. I care for Nick a lot.

It was Carpe Diem's 2-year anniversary. It seems so times it seems like it has been years and year that Carpe Diem has been around and Moni and I have been friends. And other times it seems like yesterday.

Di has lots going on in her life and I need to be here for her more now then ever. And I want to be....she has been a GREAT friend to me and now it is my turn to do the same for her.

I am still chatting with Sir Rob. He has been very good to me while Sir Nick has been working so hard. He and I have had some very good discussions. I have felt sad at times during them because I think of last year when he just disappeared.....a trust factor I guess. He has asked me about the little girl in me and asked me if I would write about it. I really do not write about that part of myself much.

Thinking about being taken....or compelled. Sir Nick compels me much like Mistress DM does. But at times I want to be taken. Maybe I am....I mean so much of the time I look at things Sir Nick does and feel he has done things purposely to make me react so isn't that in a way being taken or forced to go that direction? Sometimes I feel I guess I want to be taken so then it is okay. So then being submissive is not my choice and not wrong because someone else made the choice for me. So I do not have to take responsibility for it. I have heard that some submissives have wanted that when trying bisexuality for the first time - want it to be an order because then it is their Master's responsibility.

I want to sleep tonight so I am drinking a glass of wine. It is a good wine. It was a gift from a woo me. I think he was probably hoping we opened it that night so that he could take advantage of me lol

My mind is racing. There are soooo many topics I want to write about right now but I can't slow things down to let them come out.....topics....companion slaves, humiliation, love, movies I have been watching lately, music, my spiritual beliefs which I am not sure I can even write about and get out to tell other what they are, pain, extremes and so much more lol

From slave girl: "I have been on quite a pain craving trip again lately.....just since the day after the WTC's a stress thing. I always seem to crave pain when I am unsettled about something....luckily I have a Master who understand this need so well and knows how to help me with it. I swear the pain is better than any shrink I know of..."

It is the same for me and I have often said that a beating is better then a good therapy session. After a session I am very clear and focused. I feel like a big weight has been taken off my shoulders. I have been craving pain so very much.

Listening to the movie Message in a Bottle. There are 3 letters, in the movie, that were thrown out to sea in a bottles. And all of them are very touching. Love....

good night...


Saturday, September 22, 2001

Poly Poster Child fallen

Today was incredibly busy for me....

I left the house at 7am got back at 9am took a shower and then was online for a while. Did some work. And then left and did work up until 9pm when I got home. I answered a few emails for work and then I changed and dropped my body on the couch to rest. I watched the tribute on TV tonight.

Tomorrow there is work for sure.

I actually think Sunday will be the first Sunday since I have been back from Germany that I have not done any work. I am going to probably reorganize my closest. Kam and I might have a friend moving in and so I need to get the things out of that closet.

Moni and Michael - 2 very good friends of mine announced their wedding date. I am very happy for both of them! I wish them all the best they deserve it!

I asked Sir Rob a question today that I am not sure why I asked. He answered but I am sure it put him on the spot. I asked him if it had been hard to leave me last year.


Something I was thinking about the other day is something Todd asked me one of the first times we talked on the phone. He asked me when the last time I had been made love to. I could not remember I said at least 7 years ago.

Many of the men I have been with in my life have wanted to be with the slut, bitch, cunt, and whatever other word they wanted to use....but hardly any where with me the woman. Hardly any of them have ever used my real name during sexual contact. I just realized that and found that interesting. It made me sad thinking about it to....hurt.

Funny thing is Todd is the one that mentioned that but every time I was with Todd I felt like he was a million miles away. Except once.....

Oh back to my thought....

Which lead me to.....I had someone who was having sex with me and calling me names once - slut, whore, cunt and so on and then in the middle called me by my given name. I said no. And rolled over. To have him call me by my name just scared me. It was like i separated everything and I was slut in the moment not danae. And yes slut is just an aspect of danae but i guess something i have not really admitted to myself.

Friday I was thinking of SM a lot. I do actually more then I say. He said something to me not too long ago in an email and that is what kept playing in my head today and I am not sure why. I wish I knew. I have written him a few times today but did not get an answer. I know he is busy but I just wish I would get some kind of note from him. I would love to hear his voice and hear him...hear that is he is okay.

Also missed Sir Nick today a lot! I almost called to just talk to his answering machine a few times today lol

While I left to go out today I left my yahoo messenger on and of course forgot to put away. And so I had all these messages when I got back. One from Sir Nick. One from aydeen too! :)

She had written me an email a while back and I missed her email in my box. So I need to get to that tomorrow. It was a serious email...and I did not mean to overlook it :(

Moni just messaged me. Thanked me for listening to her the other day. Listening. It was easy to listen and be there for her. I understood so much of what she was feeling. I even understood things from otherviews but it did not diminish the fact of what she felt and went through and I know she cared about others views and what they want through as well as what she did.

I have been looking at a calendar lately. Trying to figure out when Sir and I can get together to meet face to face. But I know that it will be hard to plan that maybe for a while, because of his work.

I have not been thinking lots about what has went on with our Nation. I think about it and feel bad and sad for those that have lost people. Feel bad for the City of New York to have their world turned upside down.....but I am trying not to think about what will happen in retaliation. I know it will happen. And I have reasons why I am trying not to think of it....not because I do not want to feel or have opinions just other reasons. Mostly to do with Sir Nick...long story but not a bad thing at least to him and myself.

Tonight someone was telling em they were upset that now people are banning together and having patriotism right now but that it will not last and that they will help and give for a while but then stop. Just like people who give at Christmas or help at Christmas when there is a need for help all year long. I told him I felt I guess that I was glad at least that they gave even if that was the only time in their life they did that at least that did at some point.

Something I have been thinking about again is Poly. I have been a poly poster child in the past. LOL I believe it can work still. I just am not sure I want to even go there again. Poly is so f***ing hard. I want to be first. And so much in a poly household where everyone lives together I put myself second. And that gets hard and draining. I want to be put

Sir Rob and I were talking today about this kind of. He does not want poly. He just feels his slave will be enough for him. I ended up telling him one of my favorite fantasies....anyone who is very close to me knows it is the one being tied in the chair...and....well there is more but nothing i will put here lol....

WOW just thought I have not told Sir Nick that one. And actually internally I feel why. Something I can discuss with him at some point. :)

Anyway...playing with others. Seeing others occasionally is poly to me but not poly as in the poly I have experienced long term. That I have no problems with. But having someone live with us right now I do not want to have to deal with. Poly Poster Child fallen lol

But then as I write that I get a tugging feeling of controlling things and keeping things from my Master and I do not like that feeling at all. Soooo who knows. What I believe is Nick would not do anything to harm me.

I should get to bed....

Good Night....


Friday, September 21, 2001

Birthday Wishes

Friday, September 21st.....

Happy Birthday Mistress DM!


Strong Enough

this is the lyrics to Strong Enough by Sheryl Crow...

i like the song...

Strong Enough

God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It's try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?

When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave

Thursday, September 20, 2001

Slow Down

This afternoon things got better.....

I did a cleansing of my necklace and then did my sphere exercise and things have felt very light tonight. I do not feel so weighed down. And feeling overwhelmed with emotions.

I talked with Sir Nick today :) That always helps my mood :)

I then went and had lunch with Moni today. It had been WAY too long since I did that. Since I got back from Germany so it is time to start getting things back to normal. As close as I can get them. I remember the last time I had lunch with her. Things were just starting to go bad with Todd and myself. I remember Moni telling me I looked good but I remember looking like crap. I had dark circles under my eyes from not sleeping. He would keep me up waiting for him all the time. And because I had limited time with him when I was with him I did not want to sleep I just wanted to talk and be with him and have QUALITY time with him. I remember talking to him right before lunch with her and after also.

Work has been slow but I am not killing myself doing things about it this week. And probably won't - I started what I did for fun not for money. And if it stops being fun then I need to slow down.

Told Sir Nick today I was pmsing. He said thanks for sharing. I was like trust me you want to know lol I got it tonight and of course it is being its usual first day and I am sick. So much fun being a woman.......actually it is most of the time. That is something I have never wanted is to be a man. NEVER. I love being a woman. I love being sexual, sensual, sensitive woman.

This weekend looks like it is going to be a busy one for me. Lots of things going on with friends and work. I hope it is a good weekend....

going to bed....early I know....don't faint.....


Wednesday, September 19, 2001


Feeling lost today....Distant again.....

Something is about to happen.

I feel myself screaming inside. I hate this feeling.

Feel very i am looking for something to reach out too....

I know he is there...


Tuesday, September 18, 2001

Closer to Him

Not even sure what to write today.

I feel the need to write. But most of it will not come out.

I have talked to Sir Nick a few times in the last few days. That has been great. Today he was different then he probably has ever been with me. And not that it was a bad thing.

It is one of those weeks where I want to just disappear. Maybe go to Nick's lol


I am an attention slut lol I admit it.

It has been hard and Sir Nick has spoiled me beyond belief lol He gave me soooo much time and attention that now I want it still even though he is not able to give it to me right now. Past things with me I hate being alone. Still do. But this is not the same feeling. I just want attention.

Anyway I have been getting attention and tonight I felt guilty about it for the first time. So far it has been just chatting with a couple of Dominants. But after talking to Sir today I felt something....something different. More. And then so when I talked to someone else I felt guilt.

I was just talking to Di telling her. Sir was different today. And actually the last few times I have talked to him I feel him bringing me close to him. Even though he is busy working. It is like he does things and makes me feel like "You are MINE and don't forget it for one moment." And he never comes out and says that....but he makes me feel that way.

He also does not exert his dominance really it is so subtle. I look back and I go just made me walk this path purposely.....he makes me walk into things all the time. I make up and walk right where he wants me even if I had no intentions of going that direction. He makes me answer ALL his questions even those that make me squirm. And that is the reason he does lol. But you know how many Dominants miss that one? Mistress DM does not let me not answer her questions either.

He compels me to submit to him. He does things that make me want to please him and serve him and submit to him. And he is just being himself lol

I am a control freak and with Sir Nick I am not. I feel changes more and more. I feel how I think changing.

Di and I ended up talking about Todd tonight. I have had him in my thoughts a lot lately. He was in a dream the other night he had that smirk on his face the one he would use to make me feel like it was my fault. And it pissed me off that he took space up in my head. I actually was doing what I did with him started with the doubts and then I looked at him and said NO.

Di and I were talking about a dream she has and that made me think I have not had the dream of my house with Nick. I have had many dreams of Nick but they are always where he is at...or at least what I think his place looks like in my mind.

I told Di, I wished today I could be at his place and be surrounded by his things.

I think Sir needed a release today. He was different. I know he gave me a release I needed.


good night...


Crying Mess

Well, today has pretty much sucked....Tonight, was a hard night for several reasons. None of which I am going to write about here.

Sir Nick though has helped me as usual. I called Sir Nick crying very hard and he was not home. Which I knew he would not be I just needed to hear his voice and only way to hear it at that moment was on his machine lol

So I called crying and left him a message. I did not expect to hear from him, but he called. He is the GREATEST. He made all the tears go away. And even though I am still hurting....he helped me so much. He gave me good advice and listened to what I said and said I did the best I could.

I guess I will try to get some sleep even though I do not think it is going to come.....


Sunday, September 16, 2001

Good Girl

Sir Nick messaged! He is an especially sadistic and evil mood....teasing me. He is soooo good. He is sooo good to me. I am not sure how I lucked out. I was feeling very willful and wanting a fight. And he took it all away. I feel warm...I miss him so much. And cherish every moment wit him now even more then I did before. I was reminded "gently" that meeting the Sadist is not a good thing. I felt it hit me when he said it. And knew I needed to be a good girl. He just knows what to do to make me be in the right place that is good for me but also nice for him to. It amazes me.



Head swimming still...

I am on edge. I want to feel pain so much. I want to be humiliated. I need some walls broken down that are going up. I want to be stripped of all the layers down to that part buried deep inside. I am doubting myself today - doubting that I can give everything to just one person. The thought is scaring me a lot. I feel very willful today. I guess I am lucky Sir Nick is not around.

One of those days where I am going what do I want and what the hell am I doing with my life...



Attention Seeking

Friday –
Worked. Talked to Sir Nick a little bit. : ) Then went to dinner with Kam. I came home and signed online and had to do some website work.

Saturday –
Worked but it was a lot of fun. My job is fun overall always. But does have its stresses like any other job.

Then came home and cleaned woo yeah woo NOT lol My house is such a mess. Well, now only the bedrooms are a mess. And the kitchen floor needs washed bad lol

Then Saturday night I got together we a few submissive friends for what we term “GNO” – Girl’s night out. It was a very nice time. GNO’s always have some intense moments…because we can open up and share there like you can’t with others. We are close and some of us have known each other a while and been through good and bad together.

Letting Go…..

Last night a friend there (just wrote to ask if I could us a name or nickname for her as there are other things I want to write about her so her name will be used again.) played a song by Melissa Etheridge called “the letting go.” Of course here come the lyrics…

Melissa Etheridge Information Network

The Letting Go (M. Etheridge)

I came here to let you know
The letting go
Has taken place
I have held the winter's son
Become one
Set my pace
Isn't that what we wanted all along
Freedom like a stone
Maybe we were wrong
But I can say goodbye
Now that the passion's died
Still it comes so slow
The letting go
Piece by piece I take apart
This complicated heart
And I hope to find
Something I can prove is real
I can feel is truth
I can say is mine
That's all I ever wanted to be
The closer that I got
The further I could see
But when lovers change
And the night feels strange
We choose our road
The letting go
I came here to let you know
The letting go
Has taken place

It is a very good song and talks of letting go…..Melissa Etheridge always knows how to express things I feel. So many lines speak of how I feel and what I believe and think. As I have said words are powerful. Music is passionate – the words the music – no matter what the song is about there is passion to me because of what went into those words and music. Just like art…passion.

Letting go….

I think all of us related to that song last night in one way or other. There has been loss in more ways then one in that group of women. We all have the letting go stage happening or just happened in our lives. I was with a great bunch of women last night. Those they have in their lives to love them and be close to them are very very lucky!

Yesterday while driving to the GNO (it was like an hour away from me.) I was doing lots of thinking. Missing Nick lots. Thinking of all the attention I require.

Which made me think about how I have been “getting” that attention right now – since Sir Nick has not been around a lot.

Last July – August 2000 I had hmmm 5 Dominants I talked to on a regular basis. One was the guy that would have made me disappear from the planet by keeping me locked away. Other one at that time only really seemed to want online, but now wants me just jump on a plane and fly out to Washington…..hmm I have talked about him before but never named him. I really do not know what to call him lol …just Sir M I guess. One is local that just wants to beat me. Then Sir David who I have talked about here before. And then someone I have mentioned, I think briefly, that I was talking to again…but never named him….Sir Rob.

All those men are now back in my life with the exception of the one that would have made me disappear.

It is weird how things come full circle.

SM is someone else I talk to, occasionally as he is very busy, that I have not talked about “directly” recently. Even though he has been mentioned without using SM. And then Sir Rob…..both of them and then Sir Nick I feel I mesh with the best and be the best choices for a Master for me.

But Sir Nick is my first priority. I care for him a lot and he gets me. And I like who he is as a person.

This week though I have needed attention that Sir Nick could not give me. If I was with Sir at his home it would be least I hope. He would still be working hard but I would be there and doing things to keep my mind off it – doing things to make his life better and easier.

But I am here and so I am online and wanting attention. Sir Rob has given it to me...and I like talking to him and would be even if Sir Nick was online. I just like that he has given me attention. He is a very nice man. I actually wanted and thought I would become his last year and we were talking and getting a long great….compatible on more then one level. He actually was one of the first one that made me see that I needed someone that I was compatible with not just in D/s. Anyway we were chatting and getting a long great. And then one day I sent him an email just rambling on about feelings and thoughts and I never heard back from him again. I saw him online a few times and messaged but he never answered the ims so I wrote him and said not sure if I did something to offend but it seems you do not want contact from me so you won’t hear from me again….if it changes you can contact me.

I got an email from him August 14, 2001. And started chatting with him again. But of course at that point…I was very into Sir Nick.

Anyway since Sir Nick has not been around. I have been talking to Sir Rob a lot. I like all he says to me. I know what he wants from me. He knows how I feel about Sir Nick.

I am not sure why I am like I am.

Not sure where I am going with this all…

I wrote all everything above this line last night well early this morning about 4am lol

I am craving pain. It is that feeling that I just have. That I can’t explain. When I was with Todd I just wanted to hurt and have pain. And he did not understand it. I know he felt it is was an unhealthy feeling. Maybe it is…but I just know I feel on edge when things are like this and after the pain I am calm and centered – focused.

Last night I was telling the girls about the Sadist and Moni said I am trying to figure out if you admire this man.

And I do…I do because…..He did what he said he would do. He said he was this way and he was. There have been SOOOOOOOOOO many people in my lives that say one thing and done another – who are just illusions that I was surprised that he was real. So I admire that fact that he makes no bones about what he wants – who he is and is REALLY that person.

He messaged me this morning told me to meet him. I said no. Part of me did not want too. And the part that cares for Sir Nick and wants to serve and please him..won out and said no. I had told Sir Rob about the Sadist to and he had some interesting things to say why I should not meet him. He also told me I should not meet him.

My head today is swimming with lots of thoughts. I miss Sir Nick. Sir Rob’s email just made me feel…..I do not know the word.

Oh well….

I need to go find some sinus medicine. Too bad I did not get that toy I saw last night I could use it today for my sinus’ lol

Just looked at my horoscope – interesting huh?

You feel hemmed in by impersonal or alien forces. You may want to do something extreme just to be noticed. Be open to principles that you've set aside but never forgotten. A circle is being completed.


Thursday, September 13, 2001

Jim Close

I was just signing off to go to bed and I decided to check my vanilla mail....

Jim's mom emailed me again. Jim is in Wadsworth, Ohio. How WEIRD is that! She is telling me where it is in the email lol

She said he will be home by Saturday. And I wrote back and said no he will be home tomorrow night. I said Jim will get an early start I know it...and it is about 15 hours from Cleveland to KC so he should be home tomorrow night.

It is just weird to know he is this close to me.....and not at the same time.

Good night...


the decision is yours

Let's see....

Heard from Jim's mom. He is okay. I knew he was though. I just knew it. I knew he was suppose to be in NYC around this time but knew either he was and safe or he had just left and was safe. I just felt it. I was with him for 13 years total (dating and marriage) and feel him at times.

I heard from Sir Nick via email. I miss him VERY much. I am proud of him.

I wrote him back and almost typed I love you at the bottom. Not that I am in love with least not yet....we have not even met real life yet. But because I care so much about him that I love him. Like I love Di I guess. Or some level in between Di and in love. I love very easily. Not that he is just someone else to add to my list of those I love. He is special and I know that. I feel that.

Okay was just looking at an astrology site - looking for horoscope and they had a link to something called Karma Sign. Here is what it said on what the Karma Sign is....

Karma Sign by

Saturn is the Planet of Karma. Saturn is a strong disciplinarian and teaches us our lessons this lifetime. At times, this planet can be restricting and inhibiting. Joy is experienced once the lessons of Saturn have been learned. To understand your Karmic lesson, find what Sign Saturn was in at the time of your birth. This will reveal your Karmic Sign.
Remember, your Karma Sign is different from your Sun Sign or Star Sign!

So I entered my birthday here is what it

Karma Sign: Libra by

Trying to find in others what is lacking in yourself often results in pain and disappointment. Somehow you always seem to end up with a partner who doesn't quite understand you, who limits and hinders you. The partner you choose may also be somewhat older or have a conservative outlook on life. As a result you may move from one bad relationship to the next, or stay in one relationship and take the role of martyr -- never realizing your true motivation. If you come to terms with the fact that you may not want to fully connect with another -- out of your own fear of intimacy -- there is potential for growth and understanding that you have the capacity of fulfillment within yourself. Your relationship can be source of suffering or of personal growth -- the decision is yours.

I think it was a little over a year ago when I realized at Laz and Aydeen's that I fear intimacy. I knew it but I never said it outloud until them. I never got that before then that it was a "real" problem in my life.

I wonder if I ever read stuff like that in the past and did not get it or let myself get it? I mean it seems like I read things like that and I am like wow...that is so true. But I usually read it after I have figured it out on my own.

I want pain really bad...I know doing my usual thing skipping around.

I want pain really bad. The Sadist contacted me on Tuesday night and he asked if we would get together again. Sir will I am sure not let me, but oh how I want what he gave me before.

I was just talking to someone online that made me blush. It made me think of Sir Nick and think of blushing with him...I do a lot. He was funny. He first talked to me and thought okay this girl cannot blush this much in real life as she says she does. But after doing voice chat he can hear it in my voice also when I am blushing and he is like damn you really do blush a lot. lol

I am real. I am told that a lot. You are real. That my website is very clear and thought out and shows I am real. Sir Nick after one evening of talking to me kept saying that that I was real. I am who I say I am. I feel I am...not always that way. Hard to be who I want to be. Illusions - was the word that just popped into my head. And with that word we all know what I think of....Todd. Thought of him several times today.

To Sir Nick….I miss you very much. *kisses*

Good night...


Wednesday, September 12, 2001


My friend is okay!!!! I just got an email from him. He "felt the impact but no damage to him." Thank God! I started crying just so happy he is okay.


Tuesday, September 11, 2001

Day After....Sadness

Thinking of today (I guess yesterday) more......

I am sad. I am off. I am feeling numb at times. I am scared at times but not really. Is that weird from me? I am scared more for people in my live, then myself.

I am not angry. And not sure why. Retribution. I hear that and feel nothing.

What I feel is pain and sadness for the victims. Those killed - their families and friends. Those injured. Those who were in the building and on the planes and thought today would just be like yesterday another day...

It happened

good night...


Sep. 11, 2001

Well, wow how to describe a day like today. I am not sure I can......

As everyone knows...the US was attacked today by terrorist....


Tuesday, Sep. 11, 2001
Plane crashes into tower of World Trade Center in lower Manhattan, shortly before 9 a.m. Eastern. Second plane crashes into the second tower of the World Trade Center, shortly after 9 a.m. Eastern. An aircraft crashes near Pentagon, just outside of Washington D.C., in Northern Virginia, about an hour after the attacks in New York. Government buildings in Washington, including the Capitol and the White House, are evacuated with officials citing a credible threat of a terrorist attack. The Federal Aviation Administration shuts down all aircraft takeoffs nationwide...first time in history. Shortly after 10 a.m. Eastern, one World Trade Center tower in New York collapses, about an hour after being hit by plane. Officials at Somerset County Airport say a large plane crashes in western Pennsylvania, about 80 miles southeast of Pittsburgh, at about 10 a.m. The second tower of the World Trade Center collapses at 10:28 a.m. Eastern. Fourth explosion rocks the collapsed remains of the World Trade Center, at about 10:38 a.m.

My day.....

Today I took Kam to work and then did not have the radio on. Got to where I needed to be and was still not listening to the radio and TV. It was about 11am when I happen to catch a glance at a TV and saw a building on fire and someone talking about Cleveland Hopkins was closed down. I had my phone on silent and looked down and saw that Sir Nick had called. So I went and called him. He was the one that ended up telling me what was going on. I felt numb. I heard his words....and voice. It just was so unreal. It was made me kind of numb right then. I have felt distant and not sure but I guess that almost made me feel more distant. Not with him though just the world in general.

I heard his voice. He told me about the pentagon and I thought of someone I know that works for them. I still have not heard from that person and I am very worried about him. He was on vacation last week and all I could think was why couldn't it of been this week.

It is amazing this has happened.....I am not sure I feel it and other times I feel great sadness creep over me. I took my necklace off today and felt anxiety but I thought it was work related that I sometimes go through. But now I wonder. I was done with work and I felt shaky and remembered my necklace and put it back on and was okay. *shrugs*

I think Jim was suppose to be in NYC this week. I am not for sure. I wrote Jim's mom. My mom called me and I tried to call back but all the circuits were busy.

It is just all so surreal.

He was great on the phone. Telling me things that meant the world to me. He is so good to me....considerate. He signed online tonight and I know it was just to make me feel better even though he is so tired. I started to cry tonight as he chatted with me. And I am not sure why...I told Di. She said because you care about him. I do. Weird you think I would have got that by now. That I care about him.

I guess what happens when tragedy happens you think about those that you care about and see their place in your life.

I wish everyone peace and serenity tonight.....


Sunday, September 09, 2001

Hurt Me not Others

Di was just reading my blogger and we were talking about it.......

Something just occurred to me.

It is one thing when I get hurt. But when others hurt those I love then it is another thing.

I think we all hurt people. How we hurt them is different. I never meant to hurt Jim, Kam or Morgan. I have and I wish I could make it better or do things differently. *sigh* And I am not saying others purposely hurt me or those I care about but we all know that certain things will. So why do them.

Probably not making much sense oh I am making sense to me :)

She also told me I did not need to be sorry about Todd. She said all things for a reason. She said maybe I am suppose to learn something from it that I have just not figured out yet. And I smiled and laughed because I said that for months now about Todd and really the things I learned I think I could have done without lol I have hoped that he does not hurt any others.


Band of Brothers - Friends - Family

Today is the 9th of September. August 9th Sir Nick and I first started talking. :)

I just remembered today was the 9th. It is 11:39pm and I just remembered. I have had a horrible day and one thing after another going wrong. And now I remember is the good thing of my day :)

I have like a few things I want to write about....Band of Brothers, Bad Day, Kam, Jackie (but that will probably not make the blogger but will be wrote about because I need to journal on that ONE LOTS!), Di, Todd (ugghh), Sir Nick....well the list could go on and on lol

Nothing like multi-tasking. I am really bad at it too. I am talking to Di. Doing work. And writing in my journal lol So going slow.

Band of Brothers....

I have never seen Private Ryan. I know most people have but I have not. I have problems seeing movies about war. Kam asked me about that tonight. I cry after military movies for long times - they hurt me to watch usually. I know this sounds really strange but it does. Kam said why can you watch Tears of Endearment and cry for a while and be okay not a military movie. I told him Terms of Endearment could be a real story just like war movies - the feelings the things that happen are most likely real things that happened - but the difference is the amount of pain. In terms of Endearment - one person dies and a family is affected. In a war movie MANY die and MANY are affected and I feel all that pain and suffering. There have been movies about Vietnam that I cry and have nightmares for weeks after.

One reason I am watching Band of Brothers is Sir Nick. He loves the book and he has met a few of the people the book is written about in real life. :)

Okay 12:02 and Band of Brothers is coming on again....and Nick is watching it right now....:)

Bad day...

I have felt odd for now 2 days. I was not getting that across to Sir Nick though. Di was getting it but to explain it to him I just did not know how. It was not just that I was tired and had one thing go wrong after another it was more then that and how do you explain that...when you can't really identify it. I tried to call him last night after I logged off. It rang a few times but no answer. I knew he was sacked out. So I did not even leave a message.

Tonight when Sir figured it out he wanted me to talk to him but I couldn't. I just felt like since the day he has started to get to know me that he has seen all this ickiness.

I am a wimp. I admit it openly. I have told Sir several times that I would never survive a day in the military.....but then tonight I had images of things Don did to me flash through my head. How did I survive that? What made me get through it and get up each time he did those things and go back for more? Why did I not leave sooner?


I have not written a lot about him lately. I really never do because it has always bothered him people reading about his life and things he does not want "discussed." Kam has changed a lot since January. He fully admits his mistakes. He still makes some and he gets better and better each day. He had a bad day along with me today. And then to top it off tonight he got an email that was well....I will not even comment on that. Anyway, he handled it great. He was worried about me. Worried how I was handling it. Yes, he was upset very upset but he was worried about me. He has done that many times he just sucks it up because he wants to make sure I am okay. I talk about Nick and he has been great. I do not mention him lots but the things Nick and him have in common. I often wonder why I don't stay and make things work with him but I guess even though I think he is great and he has learned so much I know we are still not compatible and so I do not think it will work. I also have issues. I do not know how to get over past stuff. He has and I have not. *sigh* He loves me lots....Jim did too.....Morgan did....I hurt them all.


Most of what I have written is edited out for blogger.

What I am going to leave here and talk about it kindness I guess...

I do not have much money but I get along. Not all my bills get paid regularly but not like I am worrying about if I will have a roof over my head. There was a time when I did though.

I give everyone. I would give my shirt off my back to the people that work for me, family, or friends. I have. I lent $400 to someone and when I lend money I never expect it back...she never paid me back and then ended up not being loyal...but I lent the money to someone that needed it...and that is all that mattered at that time. Since January I have probably lent/given/done things for people that come close or even go over $2000. Would I take back any of those times I did that? NEVER. The people I do things for - lend money too - and give things for....I do because that is who I am and because they are friends and family....even co-workers are friends to me.

I considered Jackie family. I guess it is not true the other way around. I just do not get people why they do the things they do. I would never hurt others as they have hurt me. Where is kindness? Compassion? Love?

Does everyone live in their own world and not see anything else?

I am upset and angry right now so some of this is probably coming across harsh or just angry....and I am.

I love Jackie and it hurts me that she has done the things she has. They make NO SENSE to me.


I am worried about her. She better go to the doctor if she is not feeling well still tomorrow!

I feel very lucky to have met her and have her as my friend. She is the GREATEST!


Di and I went to lunch with Kam and another friend of ours. And then Di and I went the mall yesterday. We had an interesting talk about Todd.

What I really do not like is that he got into her life and stirred it up too. Not only did he mess with me but I let him mess with my best friend. Uggghh that pisses me off more then anything. I let him around her and her family and He does not care about anyone but himself. I just want to slap him.

Sir Nick....

Well, after I have written this long blogger and did some venting...

I smile when I get to his name....and feel good.

I do not think he and I have been connecting the last 2 days and it might be just because we both have had lots going on and are getting over tired. I know work/class is making his weeks long....since he has not had a day off now in a while. And he spends every night talking with me. So I am sure he has some stress building up just from not being able to relax fully. He is doing really good though...handling it. I am proud of him. :)

He is watching Band of Brothers right now...

I wonder what he thinks of it.

I wish I was watching it with him. I would love to watch him watching it. And also hear what he has to say about it there in person. I can't wait to hear what he has to say about it after watching it tonight.

Sir is right...I need to just go to bed and start a new day tomorrow.

Soooo that is what I am going to try to do.....will be the earliest I have been to bed in ages.


Saturday, September 08, 2001


I am feeling weird tonight.....

I know he was tired. And so am I....

I feel....

I wish I knew the words for it.

It was a long day. And intense in many ways.

Work was so incredibly busy today. I was up at 7:30 and got home about 9:45pm and have been doing work on and off up until just now.

The last few days I have felt very distant from Sir Nick. And we both have been very busy...and I have been sick and he was at the beginning of the week also.

I have not been sleeping well at all. I have felt lots floating around out there but not really able to identify it.

Ugggh I hate this feeling.

good night...


Friday, September 07, 2001

Birthday Wishes

Happy Birthday Honey

I missed Honey's Birthday on the 5th. I am not sure why but I always miss her birthday and of all the people in the world you would think I would remember hers. But for some reason I do not.....soooooo to my beautiful Honey I am sorry.....and I hope that you had a FANTASTIC Birthday full of dreams come true!


Overcoming Fear

Wrote Thursday about 1pm

I am still sick with my cold. So still partly a whiny little girl lol

Today I didn't do much of anything.

Lots on my mind, but nothing that is really stressing me.

I am really getting frustrated with the Dominants that "hit" on me. I now tell most of them that I am devoting my time to get to know Nick and they still do not give up. Part of me would like to find someone I could just play with and have fun with in hanging out with. But the other part of me just wants to wait to and be with Nick.

I wrote up what happened on Sunday to me. I sent it to 2 people. Di and Sir Nick. After Di read it she was like "you are NEVER EVER EVER going to get together with that guy again!" Nick was very calm about the whole thing. I had told them that things on my website happened, but I hadn't told them which ones until I wrote it up. Nick had basically took a look at my website and guessed by narrowing it down what could have happened. He was right on most counts as he found out in my write up. He told me I am never to do that again. That meaning meeting with a sadist without meeting them and just playing. He wants me to get to know the person. 

The Sadist created fear in me that I had not felt in a very long time. The things that happened turn me on. The things that happened to me were consensual. It was amazing. Part of me wishes I could do it again. But part of me feels it would not be captured again like it was...because things like that just happen once. They are a violent dream that hangs on my breath when I wake. So it can never been like that first time.

So then my mind spins with will Nick ever make me feel fear because of the type of relationship we have - I worry it won't and I need it. I need the violence. Did the sadist and I walked in to a situation of not really knowing each other and it worked because of that?  Can when you get to know someone like I am with Nick feel that fear?  Nick and I know each other and will know each other on many different levels. I devoted so much time to find this person - who is compassionate, but yet so sadistic that he can put fear in me - and now if Nick and I do not work exactly that way will I be missing anything from my life? Is it really a need. Because damn I hate that I feel I need to be violence that brings fear in my life.  BTW I am not saying Nick cannot put fear in me....I have seen how his mind works!! mmmmm yummy! But can something like this be maintained in a 24/7 relationship?

1:50am Friday

I met JJ tonight. We talked and it was good to talk to her and see her.

On my way home I called Nick and he was online so I left him a message on voice mail saying I was on my way home. He called right as I was walking into my building. We talked until now.

He makes me feel so giddy and alive. I am smiling and it is so strange because our conversation was pretty vanilla (how our days went and he bought a new toy that is one of those things that I do not like - that right there is sooooo strange that I like a man that likes the toys that he does.) He told me that when I go there he is going to get me over my fear of those type of toys. He understands my fear completely! He is understanding and compassionate, but he wants me over the fear for that. Even though I need fear in my life he wants me not to fear this toy.  It is a toy he really likes so I understand he doesn't want me to cry every time I see one.

When I was out and about tonight there were lots of motorcycles on the road. It made me crave to be on one. Di and I had just talked about them the other day too where I said that I never have really liked them. Jim was in an accident on one and he was very lucky he walked away. Also as a child, I saw my uncle get in many accidents with them and so they have always been something kind of scary. Okay why I hear Todd in my head now...ugggh. His thing was if you fear it - do it to get past it. I do not agree with that on ALL things. But some maybe. Nick's toy yes....because that is a fear of my past that I need to take back control on. Motorcycles yes maybe ride them to get past that fear. Going to an amusement park no...not the fear to conquer not that way. Because it would not matter - going would not conquer that fear because it is much broader then that.

Post all about fear - wanting fear and over coming fears. 

Well, I need to get to bed, as I have to be up at 7am. uggghhh


Tuesday, September 04, 2001


The other night I was out around some friends and they were talking about OLF and they were talking about one speaker that was there. She was 15 when she came to live in the organization of the European type households of Masters/slaves. Anyway one friend said that as he listened to her speak he thought of me. Which at the time I did not say anything as I did not want to interrupt the flow of conversation. But I understand partly why he thought of me but the other part me realized that they view me as extreme in a different way then I do. I view myself extreme because of my D/s beliefs and play. But they view me extreme because they feel I would give up who I am. This person that talked could not even really remember anything of her life before it sounded like - did not even really remember her name before. She was made into this person.

I would not last a day in a place like that! :)

It is a good fantasy.....for me but I would not last a day. 4 years ago put me there and I would have been what and who they wanted. It would have been hard but I would have thrived. But because of the experiences I have went through the last 4 years. I am not the same submissive.

So going to try to explain what I want.....

I want opposites that slide together with all of life in the middle.....

I want TPE where I know that everything and anything I do is a reflection of my Master, yet I want to be able to voice my opinion. In the end if my Master decided the way he stated is still the right way I will obey. It will at times be hard for me and other times I will feel very safe in the knowledge my Master is in control.

I am a control freak. And so I believe I will need to learn some things over again or be "trained" not to have some of the "bad habits" I do. I think a good way to that is the process of enslavement.....

Not sure I have ever posted this here....I am not sure who wrote it.

The Process of Enslavement

A Master takes away his slave's free use of time. Her time no longer belongs to her. She rises in the morning when instructed, and her use of time is at Master's will. She will work at what Master orders when he tells her. If she works outside the home, she is expected back at a certain time, her time belongs to him. When she eats, sleeps, perhaps uses the bathroom, when she does her chores, and when and if she has leisure is not for her to decide. Her time is not her own. If Master calls her to his side, she goes, no matter what she was doing. Her time is not her own, it belongs to Master. When you take away a woman's free use of her time, it no longer belongs to her, but becomes Master's time. I think there is no more powerful psychological experience than that of not owning your own time.

Physicality: The experience of one's body as one's own. A slave's body does not belong to her. She is instructed on how to wear her hair, whether and how to use makeup, when to be clothed, and in what clothing, and when to be naked, how to care for her skin and nails. She can be stripped and inspected at will. She is denied free access to her own pleasure. She may not masturbate without permission. She may not climax without permission. She may not take aspirin for a headache without permission. She has sex when, how, and with whom her Master decides. She must bear whatever pains are inflicted upon her. She has no right to say "no" to the use of her body. After a time, her psychological reality becomes "my body no longer belongs to me." When you take away a woman's free use and handling of her own body, it no longer belongs to her, but becomes Master's property. It is a powerful shock that first moment a woman recognizes that her body is no longer her own.

Privacy: We free beings are used to the right to privacy. We close bathroom doors. We perform our ablutions in private. We would prefer to be left alone when we are ill, perhaps, or cranky, or not looking our best. We hide the evidence of our menses: flush the tampons, wrap the used napkins. We take our deepest fears, our most intense angers, our illogical primitive emotions and hide them from others, lest they turn from us in disgust or fear. We note our dreams in morning and consign them to the dream ether from whence they come; they disturb us and we wish to forget. A slave has no right to any of that privacy. There is no private space in which a slave can hide from Master, either literally or metaphorically. She may not close a bathroom door. If Master wants her to experience her lack of privacy, he may choose to intrude upon her bathroom functions. She may not hide her fears, her angers, her emotions, for when Master intuits she is astir, he will be in her face until she opens them to him. When a woman has no privacy, neither physical nor psychological, she no longer owns her space, her external or internal space. When you take away a woman's privacy, she no longer owns her internal or external space; her very essence belongs to Master.

We can see why this takes time. It takes time because one must repeatedly, consistently, doggedly take ownership of a woman's time and body, and strip her of the right to privacy. And it's no wonder there is resistance along the way: it's not only willfulness that must be addressed, but resistance out of fear when a woman begins to be transformed, when she feels her ownership of her time eroded, her ownership of her body stripped away, her privacy gone. A woman enters this process a free agent, comfortably familiar to herself, and is truly transformed.

She becomes a slave.

After reading this I can see where this one friend and others think that I want to be in that type of restrictive household where I am just a slave. But I want so much more then that.

I want all of the above but I also want a life of laughing often, living passionately and loving deeply.

I want to be able to walk in store shopping with my Master and holding hands and acting silly and just be. I want to be able to snuggle on the couch next to him watching a movie with a bowl of popcorn and just be. In each of those times though I know at any moment the level of protocol can change. I can be in a low level of protocol and just laughing. And then with just a look or movement I will have to be in high protocol.

I gave a speech at SMART 2 years ago about protocols. And that is the best way I know how to describe what I am wanting. Because it seems like different levels of life. Sometimes we are at work and have to do the BS that we need to just get through the Politics of work. But at home we can relax with our families and just be. Same thing with how I want the D/s in my life. I want there to be levels to it where at all times I am me. Just like you are you at work and at home. But there is a different aspects of you brought out for each situation....just like at times I will be laughing, cuddling on the couch with my Master and within a moment...a movement, look or word I know I can be on the floor being nothing but a foot stool to my Master.

So I want it all I want compassion....and affection and I want strict control....

I want to just have vanilla moments and I want hardcore BDSM moments.

I want a D/s lifestyle that is there always but not everyone sees it.....but I know it in my heart and soul.

After Thoughts

I have a cold so I am a whiny little girl. Nick and Di are not feeling well right now either. Maybe they are both having sympathy pains for me. Kam gets those with me. I rescheduled my doctor appointments for the week of the 17th because I played and have bruises and was not using my brain to think about what I was doing and that it would not be good to show up with these kind of bruises as I am not completely out yet to my doctor.

I have received a few emails today begging me to send me the link to the extreme site....I know I sholdn't talk about it here if I am not willing to share it. But it is extreme and exposes me.

I feel very content right now. Things seemed balanced...not so chaotic. I do not have the feeling that I need to act now and have everything NOW like I did right after Todd broke up with me. I am sure it is because of playing with the Sadist. My life always feel better when I get a big dose of humiliation, degradation, and brutality.

Kam is upset with the Sadist for things he did to me/with me. I am not. Basically I asked for it having the things I do on my website.

Anyway....I laid out clear careful thoughts on my website of what I "seek" and he used that to freely inflict sadism on me.  As I have said before. I have expressed my desires to Dominants in the past and they did not "get it" or they get to know me and think I am too nice to "hurt." Or they say they want to do the things, but really when we get together they don't want to go that extreme.

I did some of the things listed on my site with Don. Some things with my ex-husband. Some things I have not done. Other things it has been a very long time since I had them done. Also just as a masochist - it has been a while since I had pain. I have not played (not that I have not had the opportunity) since with Sir. Anyway, the Sadist played with me very much on the edge. For not knowing me very well - it was not safe. It gave me things though that I need. He made me feel fear and I crave fear. I hear him...his voice amused when we were at the end he asked me questions. He wanted yes or no answers. If he felt I was lying, I would be punished. At the end he said that he would give me 20 even though he didn't feel I lied. Twenty doesn't sound that bad right? He was so much harder then any other I have played with so he told me that if I moved that he would start over. He added we would keep going until I passed out if necessary. I did the 20. I think that surprised him. He asked I wanted to keep going after the 20 or have him leave. I wanted him to stay and make me pass out. But I said to do the 20 and leave. By this point I knew people that care about me would be worried. If I passed out, then what happens to me when I am passed out?  I was crashing from the abuse and use. The Sadist told me he was amused by me. That annoyed me. But I am assuming he could read my face and see that I struggling with which direction I would go on the 20. I keep starting an email asking him questions, but stop. I want to know why he did this...why me...and had he ever done those things before.

Well, my phone is ringing lots it is Tuesday night.


Monday, September 03, 2001

You get me

by Michelle Branch

So I'm a little left of center
I'm a little out of tune
Some say I'm paranormal
So I just bend their spoon
Who wants to be ordinary
In a crazy, mixed-up world
I don't care what they're sayin'
As long as I'm your girl

Hey, you are on my side
And they, they just roll their eyes

You get me
When nobody understands
You come and take the chance, baby
You get me
You look inside my wild mind
Never knowing what you'll find
And still you want me all the time
Yeah, you do
Yeah, you get me

So what if I see the sunshine
In the pouring rain
Some people think I'm crazy
But you say it's okay
You've seen my secret garden
Where all of my flowers grow
In my imagination
Anything goes

I, I am all you want
They, they just read me wrong

You get me
When nobody understands
You come and hold my hand, baby
You get me
You look inside my wild mind
Never knowing what you'll find
Still you want me all the time
Yeah, you do
'Cause you get me

Hey, you are on my side
They, they just roll their eyes
Yeah, yeah, yeah

'Cause you get me
When nobody understands
You come and take the chance, baby
You get me
When none of the pieces fit
You make sense of it
You get me
You look inside my wild mind
Never knowing what you'll find
And still I want you all the time
Yeah, I do
'Cause you get me
Yeah, oh yeah oh


I first started thinking about a while ago.

When I was with Dale and Kam - my first thoughts of them were Master. They never were Dale or Kam. They were Sir, Master and then Kam was Daddy (Daddy role much different then Sir or Master though.) They were just those persons in my life - just Master. Kam has grown to be my friend. But with Sir Nick it is different. He has been a person a dominant a friend someone I want to be my lover and my Master in ways even though he is not at this time.

Anyway it was bothering me that when I daydream, think or feel things about him it is often as Nick. I think of him as Master many times too. But I call him Nick very easily. And that bothered me. I kept wondering why I did that. Part of me felt I was almost being disrespectful to him by thinking about him as "Nick." Because with the other Dominants in my life they have been Master right from the start and nothing else. And I feel something more complete with Sir Nick. And the word Master means a lot to me. So it felt like I was disrespecting him when I compare that I called others Master always and I don't him.

So anyway I discussed it with Di this morning and then decided to write the person that I kept coming back to when I was thinking of this issue. I wrote slave girl.

I am looking for more then just a Dominant or play partner and more then. I am looking for Him. The one to be a part of my life for a long time. The one who is my friend, my lover, my life partner, the one to share joys and sorrows with, and my Master. And part of me feels that I have been thinking about Sir Nick as Nick a lot because I feel that connection with him. That connection that says he is different then the others. He is touching places in me on a deeper level. Like with Todd he would see things and it would scare him. And he did not know what to do with it. And then with others in my life in the past they would think that they saw it all instead of looking a little closer and seeing there was so much more there that I had just given them a glimpse inside the box. So they just went okay I understand but since they were missing so much they really did not understand. Sir Nick is not missing things. He asks me questions that basically hand him the key and say okay we do not need to lock this box anymore since you got all the way in and took a look around lol

I just checked my mail and slave girl wrote me back and basically she said things similar to what I have said above. :) It was good to hear it from an outside view though....thank you!

I talked above about something that does not go with this but it made me think of him..because of a word I used. There was someone I wanted to be involved with last year this time.

I think back at that time in my life and do not know how I did not see a way I was almost like a battered wife in my mentality and emotional state. I did not see it then. NOTE: I am not saying I was a battered wife...I am saying that was my emotional state.

So the person and I were at a party together, I had set up some limits before hand and things did not quite happen as we had set up. We all make mistakes and I see mine in what happened. And he apologized right away. So, why did I not hear it? I did actually. It was just others who care(d) about me that did not. And that is where all hell broke loose. And now I blame myself because if I had been as strong as I am today. He and I would have handled it and no one would have known anything about it....because it was between him and *I* and that was it…even though I know others in my life would disagree. But at that relationships were so mixed up.

I mean I look back at what happened and one thing I am not quite sure why he did, but the rest if I was in his situation and had this submissive girl before me who was trembling with need and want.....I would have done exactly what he did. And knowing the things he told me about himself….he was the type of person like myself that just goes with feelings - that moment. And the feelings in that moment were pretty intense.

I guess I thought of this because it was about this time last year it happened. I am not sure anything will be the same. I mean I was invited to his home this summer for a party and he was very nice. I am lucky...maybe he has forgiven me...for what he had to endure. I am sorry......

I am listening to Poe right now. It is a really good cd. I have been on a music kick this summer. I have bought Dave Matthews, Melissa Etheridge, Staind, Michelle Branch, Poe, Lorna McKinnet, Coldplay, Janet Jackson, and I think a few more but they are coming to me. So far all the music I have bought this summer is great. I like each for different reasons. There are a few songs on Poe I want to post here and a couple from Michelle Branch. I want Di to hear the Michelle Branch one also. I think she will relate to a few of the songs like I did.

At the beginning of the summer I thought of Hunter by Dido when thinking of Di. It has changed now but I am not quite sure what it is now.

Well, I better go and get some cold medicine and OJ. I dreamed of Orange Juice last night. And when I do that I know that I am getting a cold lol Strange I know lol Going to see if Di wants to do something.

Sunday Mistakes?


Well I worked. Kam helped me and then after we went to breakfast. When I got home I had a phone call from a Dominant I have been chatting with that has read my extreme site. He corresponded with me a few times and after that I wrote him saying that he might be fun to play with but that I knew he was not the Master for me. I think that amused him. Yeah, probably didn't come out nicely. 

Anyway I have had things come up or been busy every time he has wanted to get together. He wrote me on Friday asking about playing this weekend. So yesterday we did.

I had not asked Nick. We had talked about it several times, but I did not get his permission. He has not asked me to ask on those things, but I have felt compelled to many times to get his permission.

So I said yes to the Sadist before I had talked with Nick on the phone. I talked to him after saying yes and Nick said something, but in his voice I heard that he was serious and it scared me. I felt fear tremble through me. All he told me was that he wished I would be there when he got home in the afternoon. And though I have dreamed of this many times hearing him say that how he did....just scared me.Because he wasn't pleased with me.

Nick has not been in a relationship in a very long time. I guess part of me has always felt I was going to be a "fling" basically. Someone who came to him and played with him one weekend and then that was it. I want much more in my next relationship. I mean logic tells me he knows that. He has read my websites and blogger and listens to me when I talk so he knows what I want and if he did not want similar things he would have moved on. And he hasn't sooooooo logic should tell me I am not just going to be a fling. But old fears creep up.

So when the Sadist called I had things going on but I said that I might be free a little later so we ended up getting together.

Part of me knows some reason I did play with the Sadist was beause I was scared of Nick and my relationship...but more after hearing him talk to me on the phone yesterday - how good he is too me - I had one of those insecure moments and felt what did I do to deserve such a good man. I felt he is too good for me. Which in his words last night is "bullshit." He does not swear very often so I knew he was serious :)

So anyway I met with the Sadist. He read things off my website, but he did everything he wanted. He was harsh and mean and just what I needed. But he did touch on many things I have on the website. I know he wanted to do more. He held back. Which is just scary all on it's own. I have some bruises that are going to last probably as long as that one from Todd. My body feels the effects of yesterday. Di is ready to smack me. It was not safe. I mean I left Kam the numbers and such and a time I would check in.

After I left I cried,  from what is he did to me, but also realizing that Nick wasn't happy with me. Almost felt I betrayed him. I felt the fears in me that I might lose him and then I realized part of me was "seeing" if I could scare him off.  I did not feel good enough for him so what better way for me to feel it - to be treated like nothing. Because that is what happened. The Sadist was amused that my website talks of long term relationship with compassion.

Anyway I am pretty lucky I mean there were moments I felt he might not stop. Please no lectures. I got them from Di and  Nick :) Not that it was really a lecture from Nick. It just was concern and I was told if I do something like this again he would be on a plane and at my doorstep to punish me. And that thought made me feel good. Not that I want to be punished but that I knew he was serious. He said he might pick up Di on the way in so she could give me a few smacks. She said last night when I called her "come over so I can smack you" and I said I think I have been smacked around quite enough for the night *grin* It was true! 

Kam did not give me any lectures. He knew there was no stopping me that I had already made my mind up. He was not going to be able to influence me...I am sure he felt if he tried to say something that I would go and not set up calls with him and such. So at least I did that and he knew where I was even though as Nick pointed out that I could have been in a ditch somewhere before Kam got there. But I know the Sadist had not played in a while and wanted a plaything so not like he was going to break the thing just when he started playing. I know not the most comforting thought to those that care about me out there.


Well this is certainly been...

an interesting weekend........

Thursday - I went to a surprise Birthday Party for Michael. It was a nice party and I hope he had a very Happy Birthday!

Friday - Was the 31st so I just tried to reflect and be....I worked and did some stuff around here.

Saturday - I went and got my hair trimmed - ugghhh - Anyone who knows me knows my hair goes - well did - almost hit the top of my ass. And now it hits my bra-line. I asked the stylist to trim it off so that it was healthy and she trimmed 5 inches off. So I had a minor crying attack when I found that out. I was a little upset. It is so funny because the stylist just got done telling me how people with long hair are so cautious, critical and a little freaky about getting their hair cut or touched by others. And I laughed and nodded knowing that I am that way. It has taken me a long time to get my hair this long so I am a little touchy with it. So finding out she cut 5 inches off after she said that just peeved me even more. After I met Di and her daughter to do something. And then went home to get ready for a bdsm group meeting. The person that was coming in to do the talk I had wanted to hear because I had been his demo person when he came in town to do a demo. And I was thoroughly impressed by him. Not what he did but what he said. He is VERY concerned about the submissive - if she is enjoying it - if she is comfortable. And I just feel their are not that many Dominants out there that think about well if her high heels are killing her feet she is not going to get into it and I want her to so lets have her take those off. Or if her head is angled like that she is going to get sore neck and not enjoy this and maybe have to end play sooner so lets position her differently. I really like that he takes those things in to account and he is big on mutual respect also.

The night had some bumps but nothing I want to write about here. There were lots of people at the event and new faces as well as faces that usually only go to the other group so it was a good turn out and interesting. I am glad I went.

After we got home, I talked to Sir Nick on the phone. It was one of those phone conversations that left me smiling and feeling so warm and good inside that I almost signed online right then to write. I just wanted to share my warmth! :) But I decided to be selfish and keep Him all to myself last night:)

He is really amazing and after the things that happened tonight (Sunday night) I am really really lucky to have him in my life.

I will write about Sunday night in the morning......It is pretty amazing....not sure it is in a good way - amazing though.

Good Night...

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