Monday, March 31, 2003

I am struggling with....surrender and venting. How does a slave get all the icky feelings out and still surrender? How do I express my thoughts, opinions and feelings without it interfering with His agenda? There are times, I can do exactly that. But when it is a subject we disagree on....I don't know HOW to turn those feelings....into submission really. I know right now I am doing as well as I can with it, but how do I take it further. How do I just let them go? I feel me bending...bending where He goes....what He wants and I need to do that to serve and please Him. And when I don't bend how He wants...I try to learn how.....I just don't know how to let them go and just process them into something that helps me serve Him even better.

It is acceptance, but reality of acceptance is so different then just saying, "oh you need to accept." He and I had a conversation where I understood what He was saying, but many things I disagreed with, but I internally went through that process of it is His will, He is my Master. I have faith He will protect me. I trust Him more then I have trusted anyone.

I will give Him it all...I will surrender just as He wants and seeks. It is what I have been searching for all my life.

I just is much harder then it looks like in black and white words on a screen....from a website or a book.

This is not fun...but I need this....I need to serve Him.
"Such is the paradox of slave regeneration: strength arising out of complete defeat and weakness, the loss of one's old life as a condition for finding a new one. But we of slave ilk do not have to understand that paradox; we have only to be grateful for it." -slave Bob C.

Sunday, March 30, 2003

Music: Jazz - various artists
Mood: enlightenment
Topic: Music + Passion

I was trying to work on my website tonight. I was adding the music page and trying to verbalize passion and wonder is it possible to verbalize passion? Can I really express the passion I experience? Words are elusive to describe passion. Not logical and of the world really. Sometimes I breath in and catch them ready to stream out into the air….and other times I try to pin them down and it falls to pieces…pieces I can‘t put together to show you what I mean….

I want to express the glow…the warmth from that which I feel tonight when jazz....smooth, warm, glowing....needed. I want to express how…it is both cerebral and physical…just how I like much that I am passionate about.
salsuginous' Journal 3/26/2003
From the person who knows me best:

"Choose. Pick a way to address this, pick the way you will act about it-and stick to it. The way you feel will change from day-to-day, even moment-to-moment, but that's how you are. It's how you've always been. You are carried by the tempest in your chest unless you choose a course and decide to stick to it.

You and I both know that trying to count on how you feel pretty much a doomed idea- you swing too wide and too violent to simply act on passion alone."

i related to this because...the passion in me swings my moods all over and i am to the new point of the lesson....

deep breathes in and out....slowly reminding me....where i need to be.....NEED to be....NEED to be....
Music: Sarah McLachlan ~ Surfacing
Mood: sad
Topic: Reactance Theory

I had a huge long entry started that probably will never make it to this journal. It will be shown to Him though, if He wishes to see it.

The last several weeks I have given lots of thought to reactance theory.

The theory is to me that the slave reacts to lack of freedom. They get stressed and have anxiety that gives them feelings that cause reactions to that lack of freedom.

If the process keeps continuing on the road to enslavement, the slave knows there is not walking back through the door behind her. She is never the same. The other night in my tarot reading Katrina said it is like I went through a door and now I can’t go back through. And when she said it I felt the click of the light bulb on…I can’t go back through the door. I can’t escape my only focus is to keep going forward and to surrender completely to Him.

That has been tested many times this week. I felt often that reactance, but then I take several breaths and remind myself…who I am…who He is…and accept my place with Him. It is not a fun thing.

I had a conversation with a friend….and she made the comment that her husband said, “that ‘this’ is suppose to fun.” This meaning this lifestyle. Well…the life I want, as slave is not fun. There is a greater sense of accomplishment…that is doing everything I can pull from myself to serve and please Him.

To shed everything and be naked and exposed to Him. To show Him the light and the dark…the good, the bad and the ugly.

I think of the “Fool” card in my Osho Zen set talks of…”Your actions may appear foolish to others or even yourself, if you try to analyze them with the rational mind.”

The rational mind…I am His and need to serve Him anyway He wants me too.

Does that make it easier to just be humble, gracious, silent, selfless? No….not at all. Do I stumble? Oh my gawd yes…but my desire….my greatest desire is I am obsessively devoted to my Master and make Him the world...surrender and accept anything He wishes of me.

I am His slave. I bend to His will. I need to serve and please Him.

Saturday, March 29, 2003

Sexy Saturday
Spit or swallow? Why do you prefer it? If you are a guy, do you prefer that a woman spit or swallow?

I like to swallow. And He likes me to swallow so that works out good *grins*
Music: Mix that I made for Him….mushy songs : )
Mood: smiley

Okay not even sure where to start or if I can type to get…things out. But for starters I feel good. I am in a good mood despite being sick last night : (

The reason I am in a good mood…

He is back. He is the Man and Dominant…that He was in Colorado. I am not sure how to even explain it, but I am very happy about it. We still have bumps to smooth out. But I am just so thrilled to have my Master back….that rightness was there. The knowing we are for each other has not left me. But the calmness in that rightness is there.

The Secretary comes out on DVD this week, April 1.

I have begged Him to not watch it until I am with Him. And my main reason…I want to enjoy this with Him. With…my Master. There is a scene in it with her at a desk and that scene…means a lot to me. And so I just want to experience that with Him. I want to be able to look at Him while He views and see…and know that we know what each other is thinking in that moment. I want that moment of connectiveness that comes from our type of relationship. So, I begged Him this morning to wait. He said He would think about it.

Lots of things spinning around in my head maybe I will write more later.

Friday, March 28, 2003

Moni has this book called Sun & Moon Signs by Richard Craze. It tells you how to figure out the sun and the moon signs. My sun sign is Libra. And my moon sign is Aries.

Here is a little from the book.....about my moon sign.....

"Aries Moon is intensely emotional with great passion and depth of feeling. You just don't feel things; you experience them with every fiber of your being.....

The depth of their passion is their greatest strength. Others go through life with their eyes half closed, but you feel each day with such intensity that you gain so much. You are intelligent and responsive. You live life at such a pace and feel things so intensely that you have a wealth of experience that others can only guess at.....

Such passion can result in a temper not to be proud of. You hate to be crossed. However, you have never regretted anything....Life is too short for you to mull over past mistakes - there's simply too much of life ahead of you, waiting to be lived.

You like being practical and busy. You are doing things that make a difference. You like order, tradition, beautiful things around you, being approved off, being adored by your parents. You like companionship, a partner you can trust and raunchy sex.....

You set very high standards in your life, which means you expect a certain order and harmony around you. What you dislike most is having that order upset. You are proud of your lifestyle just the way it is, which is unconventional and you dislike being hemmed in. You dislike being bored, being corrected, being doubted, being alone, being ignored, and being teased - a lot...."

What the book says about my sun sign...Libra....

"Libra probably has enough love for the whole wide world and shouldn't be confined to one person. You are big and brave in love and simply adored. You would do anything rather then hurt someone and so seem to always stay friends with your ex-partners. You hate to play second fiddle to anyone when in a relationship. To be a true Libra means knowing about beauty. It is what you are - beautiful. A true Libra is always a handsome creature, but you never really feel it. This insecurity can lead to problems with sex. Libra's suffer from a sense of being alone. You need a partner who understands this and can nurture and support you when you feel insecure and afraid."

The other things said pretty much are the standard things I read about Libra's.

I found out His moon sign from the book, but it says it can be off and to do it exactly there is programs to find it out. Michael...Moni's husband...has a program to find them out and so I need to get Master's birth time and then maybe go from there. From what the book told me He is a Libra moon, but that does not sound like Him at all. He sounded more like a Virgo moon.

On to something else....before I head back to Bill and Lisa's....

I am tired....

I meditated this morning and it kept coming up that there are illusions and that the truth will come to light. But it seemed like I need to be there for that truth to come out. It does not seem to be happening before then.

I will ramble more later.
I have lots of stuff I want to vent about....but I feel right now I just need to stuff it and accept. It is hard. I give Him so much. I give Him more then I have given anyone. I am really hurting right now.

I have done 24/7...I have been in this lifestyle a long time....

I have done it real life....I have taught classes, given speeches, written articles....and just done it...lived as a slave...lived as a submissive and been a bottom too.

My life with Don was as introduction to this lifestyle was at the age 18. I knew I was a slave then, but did not have the knowledge to understand all that I do now.

Where am I going with this....

The truth is...the truth. Some things said online are not true. Some people online are not true. Real life is what counts. I am sorry if that sounds very judgemental. But I been there done that....I guess is how I feel and until you do it real have not really lived. Not lived a life that is true. True to yourself and true to those around you.

I am sure this does not even make sense....

I just am hurting.....when I was was not like this....I just keep trying to hang on by my fingernails and know when I get there it will be back to normal.

Thursday, March 27, 2003

Thursday I was ultra turned on and wet. I am not sure why it is so peaked right now with all the stress going on...but I asked Him to masturbate. And He allowed me to go the edge no more then 3 times but at least 2 times. It was really just hold the orgasms back today. The first edge I could have went over easily. And the 2nd was the I stopped for fear of going over the edge and displeasing Him. My cunt feels like it is on fire and I want to claw at it to make the fire and heat cool down. I want it to hurt. I am missing His torture. I need His torture.
Music: none
Mood: very tired still...still have not really gotten any sleep
Topics: Update of life, Tarot reading, slave's voicing their opinions

Update first…

Yesterday I had lunch with someone that I had past hurts and resentments with, as I said in my blogger Wednesday. Lunch went fairly well. I am the type of person that often if I can let out my issues then they dissolve and it is almost like I am saying, “here these are not mine anymore.” And that is what happened. I was able to voice them and now pretty much they are gone. We both agreed that another party was a part of all the “misinformation” and we both agreed in hindsight there were things we could have and should have done differently. I do feel better having met with this person and it will now not cause someone in my life so much anxiety.

I did not sleep the night before, so not sure how I functioned yesterday, but I did. And actually I could not even get to sleep last night…so I suspect it will hit me at some point in the next couple of days.

Last night I spent hanging out with Katrina. We had our chat session even though I did most of the chatting this time.

Katrina did a tarot reading on me. :)

The reading she did on me was a spread called Directions (I think).

1) Past life direction: Death - A permanent change took place. Something that I could not have stopped even if I tried. I was stuck and this change came along and was life altering. She said, “It is like you walked through a door and it slammed and locked behind you. You can’t go back.”

2) Lessons learned from past life direction: The Star – Hope, peaces, calmness, balance. Also the 7 aspects of sexuality 1. Infantilism 2. Narcissism 3. Fetishment 4. Perversion 5. Desire 6. Passion 7. Love There are 8 points on the star…the 8th point stands for the stage in which I am most radiant. The peak in my sexuality.


3) Current life direction: The Chariot (Reversed) – You are getting from someone vibrations of negativity, unfairness, pressure and an overbearing attitude. A slowed move towards a Journey.

4) Lessons learning now: Ace of Pentacles – some type of delay…could mean financial. I need to find new ways to improve an existing relationship.


5) Moving toward: 8 of Cups – leaving current mode of life consciously. I was becoming stagnant – so moving away from that. Also represents – sexual pleasure, shyness, fear of orgasms

6) What I need to know about what I am moving towards: Ace of Swords – Strength in adversity. Use my will power, courage and intellect to reach my goals. Emotional extremes will go on. Doubled edged sword – construction and destruction, great hate and love. Cutting through illusions to get towards the truth. Thinking and communicate differently – so that I can find the answers.

7) Lesson learned about what I am moving towards: 8 of swords (a favorite card of mine – it is of a woman bound and blind folded standing amidst 8 swords – almost caged in by them) – Bondage, chains, fear of the unknown, feeling restricted, mental prison as well as physical. Dread and insecurity. Sexual slavery, confinement, sexual cruelty, domination, abuse and S&M

Okay….sooooo what did I take from that reading…..

Past life – I think it could be coming from 2 times in my life. 1) When I left Jim – that was life altering. That is when I really allowed myself to start exploring all the aspects of my sexuality – which was in the lesson learned from my past life card. 2) There was change that has happened with Him that I can’t go back from now. It is like a door slammed and there is no turning back. Weird thing is I at times think of turning back but I almost see that door behind me locked and know it and so it helps keep me facing forward and moving forward even when I am scared of what will happen. I also have learned a lot of understanding about my sexuality with Him. I think I am very aware of my sexuality but I believe He has brought to another level.

Current life – I am not sure what to say about it. I have felt all the things it is saying. I do feel like things have slowed down and that worries me a lot. The current lesson learned…I felt was interesting as yesterday I meditated and finding a new way to improve my existing relationship is something that was there during my mediation.

Moving Towards - I do feel that what is going on now…is making me stagnant. And I have consciously told myself to move. I wrote Him something similar yesterday. I do think I am moving towards a way to communicate with Him differently as things are not going good while here so something needs to change. I changed my outlook yesterday. And that will help move me to be with Him as His slave…which is the final card. The final card is where I want to end up. I want to be enslaved….confined….restrained….bound….dominated and all the other wonderful things of the life I have with Him.

I thought the reading was really good. It answered my question I felt. And even though I think the journey still looks kind of bumpy, I feel good about the outcome.

Okay on to other things…

I can’t get to His journal. I can, but I could only read so far and then it would not load the page any further. He cut and pasted it to me this morning.

He talks in his journal of being more compassionate towards me since I have been back here in Ohio….more empathetic. And I understand that is how He feels, but…I have not felt it at all. I have felt He has been more unbending in many ways. I look back on our conversations and I am not seeing the compassion. I am not saying He is heartless. My Master is not heartless...He is a very good man that I love and adore. He shows understanding that things are rough, but I don’t feel ease of His control or that He has been any less dominant that He always has been with me. I feel almost more restricted and with the distance it is hard and overwhelming when I am not in person with Him to touch Him, to see Him, to get reassurances through those things.

He asks if a Master should have compassion for a slave. The question upset me because well one I took it very personally. But also upset me because just in general I think people should have compassion for each other and He says in the entry that realitistically there has to be compassion. It just I feel hit buttons of insecurity. (That probably don't even have to do with compassion, but more about love.) What He does with that compassion is really the question. I believe a Master should have compassion for his slave. But I don't feel a Master has to act on that compassion always. He does not need to be compassionate always. But if his slave is struggling....if his slave is being broken by what the Master is doing then....the slave will not be a slave...a Master's slave for my opinion. So to me compassion is necessary for a Master/slave relationship as well as a vanilla.

What I seek in the Master/slave relationship I am in…is that the Master wants to hear His slave’s voice. I don’t know very many people who do not have a voice….thoughts, feelings, and opinions. I believe a slave’s voice is an important asset to a Master. I think if a slave is stating his/her feelings and thoughts with respect and truth, then it is okay. I don’t feel they should back talk or be disrespectful.

Everyone has thoughts and feelings…even a slave. And if the slave is not expressing them I would be curious to know why….they are not. And also if they are not allowed then why not?

I have given the advice to many submissive and heard it myself from Dominants as well as submissives….that if the Dominant does not allow you to express your thoughts and feelings…then “run for the hills.”

If a slave does not feel they can, for fear of the Dominant will leave (something I have been very guilty of), then what is the relationship based on if that is what you do all the time? It is based on fear and not love and will not be a stable relationship.

I do get scared that the things I will say to Him…that I will cause Him to leave me. But over all I feel I am pretty good about expressing myself to Him. I believe He would say I am. But I also don’t believe He sees how much I hold back and stuff things as I am scared.

In being a slave….I want to voice my feelings and thoughts, but in the end what my Master says is the final word. And that is how it is and always will be for me. No matter if I agree or disagree with what my Master is doing or saying. I do expect though that He helps keep me emotional and mentally healthy as well as physically. I am a big girl and can take care of myself, but *we* are in a relationship of responsibilities of both parties. It takes both parties to have a relationship...a Master/slave relationship. I don't expect Him to do what I want or what I suggest, but I do expect Him to listen to me. Just as He expects me to listen and obey Him. In the end, as I said before, He is my Master...and His word is matter if I agree or disagree, like or dislike.

I don’t want the control. I don’t want to be the Dominant. I want to be a slave. More importantly I *need* to be HIS slave.

Wednesday, March 26, 2003

Topic: Buffy....OMG
Music: Eminem
Mood: exhausted

I want to write about Buffy. It was my moment of down time last night….where I tired not to think of anything bad that is going on in my life.

So I watched Buffy last night and OMG!

It was an awesome episode. So many things...

I loved the comparisons of Wood's mom and Spike's mum. I loved that Wood knew to play Spike's game he would have to be up a had the cross filled room and the trigger music ready to go.

I found it interesting Buffy said that she would kill Dawn if it meant saving the world. "Joyce" said that in one episode - as the first - speaking to Dawn. She also said that she would let Spike kill Wood if he got in the way of the "mission." Which Wood's mom called it the mission too.

I am glad they showed that flashback with Wood's mom Nikki. I also thought it is interesting as I think Wood is kind of falling for Buffy and in Spike's dialog he talked of at least his own mum loved, wanted him, and basically put him first. Where Wood's mom did not because she is a slayer and slayers don't have anyone close to them.

I was bothered by Buffy closing the door on Giles but I also thought it was good of her...kind of like “I know what I am doing now…I am grown up” and with this being her last season...I guess it felt fitting....even though I love Giles to pieces. I didn't like when they had him leave the show.

Some things I laughed at…one….when Andrew said that a “Fred calling who sounded effeminate.” And then when Ayna talked about “Spike could kill a thousand frat boys but oh but we forgive that that makes us human…blah blah blah.”

So to end this…I loved the Buffy episode….it had been a repeat the last 2 weeks and it was worth the wait!
Right now I am at Moni's. Monday evening I had dinner with a friend and then Tuesday Moni came home a little earlier and we went to do go something and then went to dinner. Today...I hope to be having lunch with someone to work out some past hurts and resentments, but I have not heard back from him yet. Yesterday....was the 25th of March. I wonder why we remember some dates.....March 25th was the first day Todd contacted me 2 years ago. I did not feel really anything this year that is good. I just remembered. I did not get sad or have really any feelings assocaited with it. Woohoo, right? lol :)


mine....LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You can feel stress heading your way and you take evasive actions, but to no avail. It’s coming your way. This isn’t as big a deal as it might currently seem, but you probably will have to deal with some interpersonal noise as you struggle with decisions about what you’re going to do.

His....SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): Try as you may to hold on to what you have, whatever is now just within your reach may temporarily slip away. You won’t really lose it, though. Things are in a state of transformation and in order to get what you want, you’ll need to loosen your grip and let go of your control. You’re going to have to take a leap of faith. This is about trust.

As I said in a post not too long ago...He and I are passionate and intense people. Life is rollercoaster right now. I am just not sure I want to ride it.....anymore….so I am going to work hard not to ride it.

Now before anyone reads into that…..

That does not in any shape, way or form…mean I am walking away, thinking of it or anything of that sort.

I am just choosing to look at things differently then I have been...I am trusting the rightness.

He wrote in his journal while I was there...” As dw continue to finalize the plan of the next step, My emotions and thoughts have been relaxed – which hasn’t happened too often in My life.. Usually I see one or two red flags which tend to generate enough skepticism to eventually see the end of things.. When dw asked Me if I felt that I know her enough, I got a strange feeling that said: yes, I know you – obviously not everything, but I kept up with her blog, she’s been very forthcoming with a lot of things and even helped in places where I could.

Do I know her??

I feel I do – and even if I don’t, I feel confident that she would be upfront and accommodating with anything I need or want to know.. The larger issue that raises for Me is that I’m trusting again.. The vicious little 5 letter word always seems to nick Me in the ass whenever I go down this road.”

The Fool card from the Osho Zen tarot deck has been what I pulled the start of my journey with Him...I pulled it while there and questioning and I have pulled now again in the last 2 days.

This is what the Fool card respresents in the Osho Zen set....

“Moment to moment and with every step, the Fool leaves the past behind. He carries nothing more then his purity, innocence and trust, symbolized by the white rose in his hand. The pattern on his waistcoat contains the colors of all four elements of the tarot, indicating that the he is in harmony with all that surrounds him. His intuition is functioning at its peak. At this moment the Fool has the support of the Universe to make this jump into the unknown. Adventures await him in the river of life. The card indicates that if you trust your intuition you can’t go wrong. Your actions may appear “foolish” to others or even yourself, if you try to analyze them with a rational mind. But the “zero” place occupied by the Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guide not skeptism and past experience.”

So….I am trusting in the knowing…the knowing that He and I are right for each other.

Tuesday, March 25, 2003

The mindfulness of in and out breathing, of body contemplation, of keeping consciousness of the moment, is a noble occupation and a sublime way, leading to independence of mind and to wisdom. -Samyutta Nikaya

The everyday life of people is like clouds and water, but clouds and water are free while people are not. If they would get to be as free as clouds and water, where would people's compulsive mundane routines arise? -Dogen, "Rational Zen"

Cultivate modesty in the midst of good fortune, But in times of adversity preserve your dignity. -Tirukkural 97:963
Two for Tuesday....

1) I always....sing when I am happy. I always...leave a tip. I always....buckle my sit belt. I always...cry during my period. I always....defend those I love. I unconditionally. I always....give second chances.
2) I never...kick people when down. I never...want to grow up. I never...want to be alone. I never...will give up on my dream. I never...want to stop feeling. I never...want to not look at my path without heart.

3) I sometimes....don't trust my instincts but I always should. I in the rain. I sometimes....let my emotions rule to easily. I sometimes....procrastinate. I jealous. I sometimes...see things I don't want too.

Tuesday This-n-That...

1. Poetry or prose? prose
2. Funky modern art or the older, "classic" variety? Funky modern art
3. Sculptures or paintings? hmm hard one Rodin is a favorite of mine. But I will go with paintings
4. Theatre: exuberant musical or serious drama? serious drama
5. Ballet or modern dance? ballet
6. Movies: major studio or indie? tough one again.....but going to go with major studio just
because it is what i see the most
7. Authors: Shakespeare or Dr. Seuss? ahhh what are hard one again....but Shakespeare
8. TV: PBS or A&E? A&E
9. Music: Beethoven or Beatles? Beatles
10. Thought-provoking question of the week: You are a contributing member of your favorite art museum, and visit on a regular basis. They announce a new,
temporary special exhibit by an artist surrounded by controversy...this person's work and/or political views offend you. Do you stop supporting the museum,
or just stay away during the time the exhibit is there? I don't stop supporting them....just like my kink is mine. Some might like art that others don't.

Monday, March 24, 2003

Music: Sixpence None the Richer ~ Divine Discontent
Mood: tired but pretty good...missing Him as usual
Topics: Weekend update, War/Politics, Orgasm Denial, Teased, Enlightenment/Surrender...hmm maybe some other odd-n-ends

Well…the weekend started out bad obviously by reading previous entries. Saturday though was good…good conversations with Him. And then went to Carpe Diem and that was very good too. Good Demo…Good Friends…so a Good Evening. Sunday I went to brunch with Bill and Lisa and then came home to spend the rest of the day basically online with Him.

He teased me….sexually all day yesterday. And it was probably something He and I both needed. Even though we would rather have me there…for Him to directly torture not possible at the moment.

This is going to be an entry jumping from one thing to the next….

And politics is the next…

I occasionally have talked politics….

I have not mentioned anything going on politically since being involved with Him. It does not mean I am not thinking of it. It does not mean it is not important to me.

I have lots of views on what is going on…many match His…but I am sure I am much more of a bleeding heart liberal then Him.

I am sending positive thoughts and energy to the troops who are there and others that are being hurt in this war. I don’t believe we should be there…doing this. I believe that much of our interference over the years has caused it to be worse. I was reading Heather Corrinna - she basically says the same thing and also had a link to check out, take a look at the Institute for Public Accuracy.

I agree with a lot of her political views and also Jane’s. (Might have to read a few entries back to find their political views.) So since they are saying what needs to be said better then I ever could, please go check them out!

Again, I do care what is going on in the world, but at the same time I am kind of numb to it and created this place…where He is my world. As bad as that might sound with all that is going on in our world, my world with Him…is all I see right now. But my thoughts of what is going on are still churning around inside me. The words are just not making it here.

Okay and this will be a weird topic to come after that little segment of thoughts….

Denial has been a large part of my thoughts lately…orgasm denial specifically. Sometimes we deny ourselves things. Sometimes others do…sometimes it just happens. But I was being denied because…? It is hard question to answer for me….but basically it was a show of my devotion and submission to Him.

It was discussed almost 2 weeks ago that the orgasm denial is probably adding more stress on me then we expected. And I am going through lots of feelings on this…

I am a person that masturbated daily and usually just not once (before I became His). I have used sex as a way of pleasure, but also as a way of slowing things down and relieving tension. I don’t think I understood how much I depended on that…to help me. The people around me will attest to that fact that I have not been myself since we started on this path of orgasm denial.

I also have been having more migraines. When it was suggested to me that I might be having them because of the orgasm denial, I laughed hysterically. But unfortunately, I think it is right. I use that to relieve stress, so my stress is not going anywhere and thus I am getting migraines. Actually it makes a lot of sense to me even though I feel pretty darn silly about the whole thing.

Orgasm denial was important to me…I know it sounds like a silly thing but it was/is important to me because sex is very important to me. I have had a life centered around sex in one way or another.

My life sexually started a young age - through non-consensual acts - and I still became this sexual person all along the way to now. I touched, seduced, and had naïve sensuality around me growing up.

I would rub and touch as child. I remember so clearly memories as a child of masturbating. I had this head and footboard...not sure how to describe it. It was wooden - it was a continuous carved spheres along the top and the spindles. I would basically rub myself along them to achieve orgasm. Sex was just normal to me. It was just part of being. I thought that everyone did what I did; it just was not talked about. Just like being attracted to girls, I thought everyone was attracted to same sex as well as opposite, but again we just did not talk about it. I am not sure how I got that message.

It was not probably until college when I started dating Morgan that something kicked in…and said what will people say about me being with a woman. And then that is when I got all weird about it. I hurt Morgan so much with it - something I regret.

Okay back on topic now that my mind wandered with thoughts of Morgan.

So, sex is important to me. My pleasure is important to me. And I am submissive who wants to please….so others pleasure is very important to me too.

I meet a Man who knows sex is important to me. He knows that I qualify sex as a need when I list out my needs. He likes giving me pleasure. He likes having me orgasm. But He wants me to start getting in the mind frame that His pleasure is more important.

He did not suggest that He deny my orgasms. He, I believe, knew He would never have to bring it up. I have had thoughts and fantasies surrounding orgasm denial for a long time. The thought of a chastity belt turns me on. And I believe the thoughts of orgasm denial turn me on so much *because* my life has been so centered around sex.

At least that is really the only explanation I can find.

I love orgasms. I love the pleasure I get from someone touching me. I like the pleasure I get from masturbating too. When someone wants to give me pleasure or I am allowed it, I will go for it. But yet there is this part of me that wants to be denied.

Some days I just don’t like those parts of me that want things - not just orgasm denial - that will take so much away from my life. But yet I know who I am and that I need to be in this type of relationship.

So, I brought up the subject of being denied. He was all for it and I knew He would be…knowing the Dominant He is, I knew that He had that desire that I place my orgasms as a want and His pleasure as my need.

Well, there….in His presence…it would work better. We both have agreed to that.

And so after talking the last week about it…He has decided I will orgasm. I went 21 days without an orgasm. I was scared and worried that I wouldn’t be able to have an orgasm. I have gotten very good at masturbating and holding them off. And I will admit it took a while for me to get there but I did.

Part of me is beating up on myself for not being able to do it…hold out having an orgasm. I am disappointed in myself for not being able to hold of an orgasm.

I have always had these feelings of *wanting* to feel bad. I am not sure how I to explain them.

One day last week I wrote this to Him…

I hear you in my head saying this I am orgasming because you are telling me, but I still go back to that ultimate desire and letting you down and letting myself down. And so I am “bad.”

Part of me wants to....know....I am bad. That my Master is good. I am bad. My Master is right. I am wrong. My Master is superior. I am inferior. My Master is god. I am nothing.

I am not sure why…that I want to feel that way? Why? I have always had these feelings too. It is not something that just developed. I have had the desire to feel bad, dirty, wrong, worthless…I just don’t understand why. I wonder if others go through this and what they feel and think. Do they know why they feel that way? I just am curious…if anyone wants to comment on that question please feel free to write me.

Okay so…I orgasmed lol I have had 3 orgasms since then all directed by Him. I have trouble cumming without permission now. It just feels odd to be in control of that.

Yesterday, He flipped that switch on…since we have been having problems I have had a very low sexual desire. On Saturday night I watched a demo on knives and needles and so that made me aroused and then I had very sexually charged dreams, so I woke up on Sunday morning wet. I was still kind of low level though. I mean not like I *needed* to masturbate right then : )

In talking to Him, I told Him that I was aroused and so He started painting images through His words. And of course it was like bam! The switch was on and I was…not just aroused but soaking wet. So He had me put my vibrating egg in and a butt plug. I felt very umm stuffed *blushing* We then just did some chitchat. During our conversation He would tell me to turn the vibrating egg on….sometimes low sometimes medium other times on high. He would go from having me feeling those vibrations through my body then tell me to turn it off and then turn it on high and so on. And then he would have me turn it off and it would go on again and off again….so that I was getting very wet and turned on. That happened for quite a while so that through out the conversation begging to go masturbate. He would remind me He was doing this for His pleasure not mine. Even though obviously I was getting pleasure from being teased. I just wanted MORE. I am greedy when that slut part of me starts coming out. Finally He had me go hump my vibrator to the edge. And then I could lie on my back and bring myself to orgasm. I am not allowed to masturbate on the bed and so I was on the floor. He then had me go take a nap. It was not a very restful nap, but I needed any time I got. After the orgasm I had, I was very fuzzy and tired…which I think was part of His purpose was to kind of wear me out. After my nap and then dinner, I then signed back on, vibrating egg still in and also the butt plug. So He started all over again.

The end result was an orgasm achieved much faster then the first 2 I have had since not being denied anymore. And it was a very intense powerful orgasm. I really enjoyed it! LOL *blushing*

I want to Thank Him here…for allowing me to orgasm. I very grateful for them. I love You Master. *blushing*

I am not sure why but really orgasms help my mental and emotional state LOTS…the endorphins really do something for my psyche.

Next topic…enlightenment…

I have been thinking about my time with Him when I was there with Him.

I struggle with my submission lots…no “duh” from the peanut gallery. : )

There it felt more natural then it ever has…it just was there so much in places I felt for sure I would fight…it just was there.

I was talking to Ray the other night….(which btw Thank you Ray for being there for me Friday night)…and was trying to explain that it is so different for me now. D/s, M/s…terms and definitions of those and everything in else in BDSM…just don’t seem to matter to me now. It just is…

Surrender is not something that can be defined or spelled out in a process….it just is…

It feels big - ultimate - vast - the words are just not there….

Surrender just seems to me now that it just happens. It is just this moment in time where…you reach a new level of enlightenment in the journey. It is where everything clicks in place and to try to define this thing that is ultimate and there is another word I want…but I can’t think of it…

What I feel when I think of it - spreads out around me…the energy. Kind of like love…

It happens and then it is this energy that is vast and pure. That I think is the word I am looking for…it is pure.

There is nothing that can spoil it. Yes things happen hurts happen…and I believe still is there. Just like with love…I still love people in my past…Morgan, Jim, Todd…and many others. But even though I am not with them and I was hurt…that energy is still there.

Each level of my acceptance is…feels much like the things described that I read about Buddhism and the enlightenment that comes with being aware.

There is an awareness I have now that I did not have before…

It feels good inside. A warmth that I am working on to spread out…consuming me.

But I see it. And I now…worry for the people that never feel it and know it.

I honor the place in you where the entire universe resides,
I honor the place in you of love, of light, of truth, of peace.
I honor the place within you where if you are in that place in you
and I am in that place in me, there is only one of us. ~ Ram Dass

That is how it feels…

I wish I were there to be at His feet…and feel….all that is a part of Us.
It is not that anger and desire are inherently evil or that we should feel ashamed when they arise. It is a matter of seeing them as the delusions that they are: distorted conceptions that paint a false picture of reality. They are negative because they lead to unhappiness and confusion. -Kathleen McDonald, "How to Meditate"

Sunday, March 23, 2003

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You’re feeling more stable in your inner world than you have been recently, but it’s difficult to know exactly what to do with your feelings. They don’t easily fit into the circumstances around you. It’s like your lover, partner or romantic interest is talking to you, but they are speaking in tongues. You cannot understand what they are saying and this, of course, worries you. Yet, you are still pretty certain about how you feel.

Wow isn't that the truth of late!

Saturday, March 22, 2003

Okay doing a quick one before I head out for the night. It is Carpe Diem tonight.

We are okay.

I know I know...

He and I are both very intense, passionate people. And then added with my neurosis and being very emotional - more emotional then normal because I am feeling lost without Him. That equals...very intense situations.

We seem to be on a rollercoaster right now (which is normal for me here), but we both see the big picture still. We get beyond these things and still know we are good for each other. Even in what happened last night I see positives in it...because our communication today got to a place where I really felt we saw what happens when we get out of control emotionally. He has a temper. He told me that before I got there. I am very emotional. Together we have a few issues to work through.

I said something that could have been worded better last night...that pushed His buttons. He, having a temper, reacted after a long stressful week...which is also why I did not word what I said better because I was stressed from our long week.

Long story short we are back on the same page...knowing we just need to get me there and things will be much smoother. Not saying we won't have passionate, intense, emotional times...I know we will but damn it has to be better then me constantly asking is this what you mean? And Him saying why did you say that. In person I can see Him. And He can see me. And we will have less disagreements due to misunderstandings in our communication.

I want to apologize to those around me that have to be on this rollercoaster ride too. I am sorry. I am very fortunate to have such good friends....thank you for always being there for me. Master reminded me again how lucky I am....and that reminded me I wanted to apologize and say thank you.

Friday, March 21, 2003

I have a very long entry started but…I have to get this out…crying and sad…feels like if I had imood still that sad or hurt would have been the only emotions expressed on it this week.

The day started out pretty good. I then took a nap per His order and had lots of nightmares and slept very lightly. I woke up not being in a great mood from the nightmares. He then signed on and I was happy to spend time with Him, as we have not had much time to talk this week. But then he was tired so he went to take a nap. He of course got up when I went to dinner with Bill and Lisa…and so I came home to Him saying He was going to bed.

Vent going to happen…

I have been very insecure all week. My Master told me - to me - that He did not believe me. So I was very insecure that He was going to tell me He did not want me. That He was going to continue to not believe me and say He can’t be with me. And of course I was going through not only that insecurity but also the hurt from Him not trusting me during my pleading that I was being truthful.

I have not exploded during any of this to Him. I have not written or said anything to be hurtful. I have been patient with all that is going with His work. I have been patient that we will get to talk eventually. And so tonight I expressed that I was giving more effort to us talking then He was…I have reasons I am saying that and I understand his work was it this week. I understand that.

And it exploded into Him upset with me for “throwing that into His face” - He got angry and was saying things that were not fair, as I could not say anything in return because as a slave it would have been out of line and at that time I could not find ways to say it calmly. I tried to…but he interrupted me and so finally I said this is not going to get us any where and we should end the conversation. I sat there in silence on the phone for a few moments and then…I heard click. He hung up.

Why is life like this?

Thursday, March 20, 2003

A quickie just to update....

Everything is going better. We are communicating and I really am thinking this long distance thing SUCKS! Well I know it does but I really believe that not being able see each other as we communicate about some issues is really hard on us. We just read a lot into what is being said....because we are not able to look at facial expressions and body language.

I am still kind of down but not nearly as bad as I was...Moni called on her break and said you sound better. I told her maybe it is because I masturbated lol But I know really it is because we are talking and keep talking and keep being open about all that is going on.

I might have to vent on what was going on...but....not sure. I don't really want to....I mean He and I keep talking about it and I am able to be open with Him so discussing it with Him seems the best. I am writing about what went on and He did tell me not to censor and put what I want in my journal so....I keep going back and forth.

Bottom line is still the same....we do match together good. I do want to be His...He does want me...and I love Him and He loves me. :)
From Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 5 - "Into the Woods" Episode.....

Xander: "I gotta say something 'cause I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love with you. Powerfully, painfully in love. The things you do... the way you think... the way you move... I get excited every time I'm about to see you. You make me feel like I've never
felt before in my life -- like a man. I just thought you might wanna know"

I really really liked that...when he said that in that episode. So I hunted it down the other day to find the exact quote.
When meditation is mastered, the mind is unwavering like the flame of a lamp in a windless place. In the still mind, in the depths of meditation, the Self reveals itself. Beholding the Self by means of the Self, an aspirant knows the joy and peace of complete fulfillment. Having attained that abiding joy beyond the senses, revealed in the stilled mind, he never swerves from the eternal truth. He desires nothing else, and cannot be shaken by the heaviest burden of sorrow. -Bhagavad Gita 6:19-22

Wednesday, March 19, 2003

I just wanted to let everyone know…that we are okay. We are not great….or fantastic…but we are okay.

He, after more explaining of the situation, how I react and how I behave, understands and believes me. The issue also came from His past and His hang-ups. But it has really hurt me. Even as I told Bill and Lisa that I think He understands now…they said you don’t look happy though.

I am hurting a lot…still.

I am writing lots in my offline journal. I want to post it. I don’t like censoring. I deleted a post on Monday that posted to my journal. I believe that is the first time I have actually deleted a post. Thought about it many times - to delete entries! But I don’t think I ever have…deleted a post. Anyway, I am regretting it. And even thought about posting it again, but I am still thinking on that.

I want to talk to Him tonight before I post the things I have been writing. But I did want to say I am okay…we are okay. I believe it will be okay. Long distance sucks!

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

it hurts i don't know how to describe it when it hurts like this....

He believes something that I promise with everything in my not true.....yet He does not believe it. If He can't trust me, where do we go from here?

It hurts....I can't stop crying.
Well just to let everyone know....Blogger and I have been having problems. If and when this gets going again...I might move to another type of weblog. Not sure yet though. But if you want to be notified when I do that...and where it goes....please feel free to sign up for my yahoo group.... I really hope blogger gets fixed though as I like the options I have available with it.
i will write more later...just no brain power right now. i am alive...not sure what is going on yet though...

mine....LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Your emotions are running all over the map. You may feel a bit frustrated, for it seems that you may not quite reach the goal you’d set for yourself. Don’t be overly hard as you judge your own performance. Think about what you’ve done rather than what you’ve left unfinished. And, even if you are overwhelmed by all the possibilities, set another round of goals for yourself so you know where you are heading.

His...SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): This Full Moon is square your sign, adding stress to the already problematic situation that has been developing. It may feel like nothing you can do now will get you through this little storm, but just as you are ready to give up and throw in the towel, things begin to change. Don’t try to make big changes. Your best course of action is making lots of little adjustments.

Monday, March 17, 2003

everything hurts
I found this site today....Book Fetish I have a book fetish so the name of course caught my eye. He asked me what will be the most that I have to move and I said clothes and books. I am sure Bill and Lisa can attest to both those as they helped me move in here with them lol Bill carried LOTS of boxes of books and clothes! LOL :)

Just a quickie to add to this....

I am not doing good at all. I am a basket case. This not being with Him and then add in all the other things such as preparations in then add in my period.....and well I am a basket case. I am crying about every 15 minutes. Last night while talking to Him online we were talking about jpgs and storage space for them for weblogs (btw think I found a place that does it for free) and I was sitting here crying. I just cry for no apparent reason these days.

Oh well more later today....after my headache clears up a little more.

Sunday, March 16, 2003

I read something this morning that made me think about what makes me feel more owned.

What impacts me the most and say to my soul "you are owned?"

While I was there and how it will be when I return, is a life of not being free. That is the bottom line of it.

I love the S&M, but last night at SMART as I described that I am not allowed to be free…that feeling of not being free made me feel that I am owned.

I am not able to get in the car and leave. I am not able to buy something without asking. I am not allowed to carry a purse. I only left the house when I was with Him. A lot of the time my clothes were locked up. At times I was locked up. And almost all day I was restrained.

I was not was it all those little things that made me feel owned? Or just knowing that I was not free that made me feel owned?

There's a difference in my mind between the daily structure in my life that shows me my boundaries and what to do to please Him and the physically things that He does to me. But they all affect my mindset.

I would say they work together. They work to form my life (a life I am missing deeply).

I have rules that are a part of my life no matter what…

I can’t sit on the furniture unless He says I can
I can’t buy anything without permission and more then likely He will buy it as I am not allowed to carry a purse.
I am not allowed to go anywhere without permission.
I have certain clothing rules – like no cotton panties or bras only satin, no pants.
I do not eat until He starts eating.
I am not allowed to go the bathroom without asking permission.
I am not allowed to go to bed without permission.
I am not allowed to have diet coke without permission.
I am not allowed to have M&M’s without permission (sideline note to this it was hard to eat anything without asking – which made for a wonderful diet and I lost 10 lbs while there lol and another sideline note…M&M’s are His favorite snack and have their own even little cookie jar type container on His counter.)
I am not allowed to order food when we go out.
All the menus I prepare are approved and disapproved of before making.
My daily schedule of what needs to be done is approved and disapproved by Him.
I am not allowed to masturbate without permission.
I ask permission to leave the room when with Him.
I walk a step behind Him and on the right.
I make requests on my knees.

Those are daily rules……that structure my life.

Okay physical things we do….

I am caged.
I am used sexually.
I am restrained 20 hours a day.
I am locked to His bed at night.
I kneel beside Him when He pisses and will eventually be His urinal.
I go to the bathroom most of the time in front of Him.
I am pissed on often by Him.
I am made to piss on myself.
I am humiliated and degraded.
I am hooded, blindfolded, gagged, and restrained.
My body is tortured by Him through beatings or other varies methods of torture.

All the variations of the physical could go on and on…

If I had one without the other…I believe I would feel lost. I would not feel so calm and happy. Because some needs were not being met.

It like I am a puzzle. I was scattered on a table. I had the piece that needed to feel like slut, the piece that wants to serve, the piece that needs to feel helpless, the piece that needs to be tortured and the piece that likes Daddy/little girl things plus all the other pieces. I had all these pieces scattered. What would happen before is that someone would come along and see all these pieces, but say “well I want this part that likes piss play and I want this part that needs to be punched.” Or “I want this part that just likes service.” And no one wanted all the pieces. I am not saying that He wants to do all the things I want and desire. (But our need puzzle pieces seem to be the same). He might not ever want to do bestiality…like I do…but He it still taking that piece of the puzzle - not ruling it out and also accepting it. So, I have found this person that snapped all the pieces together and said “wow…I want you.” *smiles* We fit together and so I was able to snap together with His puzzle too. Now we are starting to form this beautiful picture. Our life.

Thursday, March 13, 2003

I will have several things to address in the upcoming days....lots of food for thought....

But the main reason I am writing right this moment....

I am going to miss my friends. *crying*

I am very grateful to you all......I am lucky girl....

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

Music: K's Choice, Amy Studt, Darling Violetta, Amiee Mann, Frou Frou, Kate Bush, The Sunday's and Tori Amos...
Mood: Tired...Stress...Missing Him
Topics: Main topic Orgasm Denial

I have noticed my allergies are worse here in Ohio then in Colorado even with the cats. Strange huh?

I miss the cats….yes I miss Him more, but I also miss the cats especially His little girl cat…since she at least acted like she liked me. LOL His boy cat as been His for so long that….it is used to just Him and you can tell he, the cat, does not like change at all.

For a cute thing….well I think it is cute….

My mom and I have not had problems in the past talking about sex….so the other night I talked to her. I had already told her about Him and moving. She was THRILLED for me. She knew this was the ONE. Anyway, the other night on the phone talking about Him yet again she asks…”So is your sex life good with him?” I told her yes and then she said, "So you have good...well...umm you know…?” I said, “Yes Mom, I have good orgasms with Him.” LOL not a typical mother/daughter talk huh? LOL :)

I am at Moni’s again….tonight (Wednesday) I got together with Katrina to have our chat session. And then tomorrow night is a GNO (Girl’s Night Out). On Friday I will probably just staying here…hanging out with Moni, Michael and Katrina….I still need to ask Him about the weekend…I only had my schedule approved up until Thursday night. Then Saturday night is SMART but I am not sure if I can afford to be going. So I am kind of iffy on that one right now. So a busy weekend is ahead.

He has already given me a lecture about my schedule here. And things will I know be slowing down next week. He wants me to get my stuff done.

I suppose I should talk about the stuff I don’t want to talk about…

The last week I was there it was hard. But even though we had bumps and it was hard, my intuition still felt that I was in the right place. He is a great man. I am a very lucky girl.

With Him things are different then they have been with others.

He takes, but he also *makes* me give things to Him. He finds out the things that I don’t want to admit and then makes me admit them and then beg for that exact thing I am embarrassed to admit that I want or like.

And I have had that in some relationships, but not to this level. He likes watching me struggle and then submit. And so I give into this with Him because I know who He is and who I am to Him. It is part of our power exchange.

But in the past I have either given my submission as a sense of duty or it has been taken from me. With M I had to give things, but it was not like it is with Master.

Am I making sense?

Example…the hood…

When He realized I was secretly, deep inside craving the hood, He told me He was not going to put it on me again until I begged for it. I hated that He was making me admit it out loud, but loved it all at once because He knew. He knew from seeing me, from the things I was saying and how I said them how much I was turned on and desired the hood. Before I went there, I had a fear of them and that is not totally gone. We have not done a full hood yet and full hood excites me, but also scares me a lot still.

It was hard to admit out loud that I wanted the hood on and that it turned me on so much…turned me on how it made me feel, but He made me. It was even harder to beg for it. I want Him to force me to do some of things so that I don’t feel…like I am really the one wanting them. So that it can be Him that wants it and I am doing it for Him. He enjoys seeing me struggle…while I beg for this thing that I want to say I hate. He is sadistic lol

So that is what He does….He some how gets me to admit or pulls out of me that I hate and love something….and then makes me give it to Him. Beg for it and submit to this thing I hate and love. It is not nice or fair. *grin* But who said this relationship was suppose to be nice and fair huh? LOL If it was nice and fair, I would not like it…that is what He tells me when I say that.

So this goes on to the real topic at hand…

The last night I was there I had not had an orgasm for 2 days…the longest I went while there. And so I was quite frustrated and wanting that orgasm. It was an extremely intense orgasm that soaked through 4 layers of bedding. It was a GREAT orgasm *blushing*

While He was teasing me and playing with me…He talked about just taking a pliers and pulling my clit off. Something I actually have had fantasies about – but one of those I am sure I would never want - but…anyway…as He played He talked about that. And I then confessed to Him that I did not want to have an orgasm without Him. Meaning…I wanted to wait. Uggghh….yes I said it…out loud…*shakes head*

He actually did not say much about it. But He did say, “Maybe this will be your last orgasm.”

Welllllll…it probably won’t be my last but it is my last until I see Him again. And so far I am not doing very well with it. I mean I have not had an orgasm since, but I am very frustrated.

The reason I don’t want to orgasm without Him is to show how much I want to be His. I am an extremely sexual person. I believe sex is a need for me. And before He and I got together, we went over needs and wants. He, I think, believes sex is a need for me also.


I want to show Him (I know He wants it also) that I *need* to put His wants, desires and needs before mine. And I want to please Him so much…and so I am trying very hard to put His wants, desires and needs before mine and live without the orgasms.

The catch is…He does not want my sexuality to turn off so…we discussed that He still wants me to have some pleasure just not an orgasm. So, I am masturbating to the edge and then stopping. And that is His desire, but at this moment I feel to keep my sexuality turned on it is probably best that I have some type of pleasure. And so right now I am trying to get to use to that the pleasure I am getting from just masturbating without an orgasm is enough pleasure because HE wants and desires it for me.

It has been 12 days since my last orgasm. I sound like I should be saying it has been 12 days since my last drink….like I am addicted to sex. And well I might be…

The relationship I seek, I hope that it becomes second nature to me that His wants, needs and desires are always my first thought. That His thoughts are mine, His pleasure my pleasure…I get scared of losing myself. But also want it a lot. I mean it does not feel like losing myself. It feels like it will be that I find myself.

So on to the good stuff that some people would like in bold…*grins* and as it happens this time I am going to bold it as it is emails I sent to Him….

I have been having lots of fantasies all over the place soft and tender but…most of orgasm denial and of other dark desires I have…

I write Him emails after He allows me to masturbate (without orgasm of course) to tell Him what I was thinking of while I brought myself to the edge.

Here is last Friday’s email…

Last night I did as you instructed....

All my thoughts last night seemed to be centered around one topic...

Phasing out orgasms....

I had these fantasies of when I am there with first I am allowed to masturbate daily but You have a certain number of times You want me to play with myself through out the day… bringing myself to the edge. I will have had to please you sexually at least once where You cum in my hand, mouth, cunt, ass. All tasks - such as cleaning or other tasks you want of me done need to be done that were to be accomplished must be done before I can masturbate to orgasm. You only brought me to orgasm once a week.
The only other times You would touch my cunt is to inflict pain on it and I was not allowed orgasms with the pain. If the tasks were not done then I did not get to orgasm. If by the end of the week you felt I had not done an adequate job at the tasks then You would rule on if I got an orgasm from You. Also when I failed to complete the tasks I was disciplined.

So that was the first phase of the fantasies when I brought myself to the edge the first time…

The second phase changed where it went to once a week I was able to please myself sexually. But again daily I was to go to the edge. And daily I had tasks and if all that was done then I would be able to masturbate to orgasm. And You gave me an orgasm from you....once every 2 weeks. Again if things were not completed to your satisfaction then....I was not allowed.

This time as I as approaching the edge... I had the thought of being disciplined and denied orgasm from masturbating. You were lecturing me and then put me in the cage to reflect on being sloppy and lazy. You told me that I would have to beg to be caned to be forgiven. When You let me out, I was crying and sobbing and begging for You to cane me. And so I was bent over and counting and apologizing and thank you and asking for the next one. It was hard and I did not want to ask and I did not want beg it was hard...but I needed Your forgiveness so badly.

And that is when I reached the edge the 3rd time of the image of being bad....and being caned because I was bad and needed Your forgiveness. It bothers me that I get turned on by the thought of being punished. Because in reality when You are upset with me – I hate it. It hurts all throughout me.

So before approaching the 3rd time and third phase....

Again tasks were to be completed...and it had moved again...and I was only allowed to please myself once every 2 weeks and You did once a month.

Some of the months were very loving and caring...You bring me to that orgasm...or working me closer and closer and feeling your touch. Oh your touch…I miss your touch so much.

One was of you going down on me....and I was restrained as I wanted to stop you....
One was of me restrained I was standing up with my hands above my body and you were being soft and sensual mixed with pain every once in a while. You rubbed my clit while I was standing up so I squirted all over the floor...

And then other times were very clinical.

Another where You had the speculum and rubber gloves touching my cunt....making fun of fat I am and timing me and telling me i was pathetic as it took me a long time as I was so self conscious…

Yet another time.....when I was on my period and You smeared the blood on my face and told me how dirty I was and then stuck me into the cage with blood on my cunt, legs and face and made me sleep that way.

And the flashes between dark and soft and dark and soft were going fast and I went to the edge again. And then stopped and went to bed.

I always get nervous when posting that kind of stuff *blushing* But it is me…these are the things I think about…those are things He and I do…

Exciting and scary : )

Another email actually that came before the last one…

I got near orgasm about 7 times. ((I was allowed to go to the edge as much as I wanted for this occasion- He was being good to me because I was having a rough time.))

The first thoughts were of....last night and wanting it so much and how bad I was....for begging and pleading. Being selfish and undisciplined.

I was thinking that…thinking all of the above, but seeing images all at once. Seeing images of being in the cage, being slapped, drinking your piss....

When I neared to the edge the 3rd brain just kept saying "You are bad...He does not want you to orgasm --- this is for Him" I thought of that – that this was because You wanted it. Thoughts that Your wants were first. Nearing the edge the 5th time...all that kept going through my mind was that I was bad and dirty and did not deserve orgasms....

Images going through the whole time thinking…images of being caged, hooded – each image of the hood was different (partial hoods, some with just mouth and a nose holes, others full hood with breathing tube, some locked on). Each time I saw the cage in my mind I was different....once had the mittens....on my back and my arms were up and hooked to the top bars in the cage and same with the ankles...I felt very exposed vulnerable....and like an animal. I was in a hood too. Times of being beat by you....told I am bad. Time of being spit on by you and told I am bad. I thought of getting You off many times throughout this too...

I had an image of being told I was not allowed to touch you for being bad girl and begging for orgasms. I had an image of being cunt...with a cold big chain....told I would take it all because I had a whore's cunt. You pushed it all hurt....and then you put a plug in me and then put saran around me like a diaper of sorts and duct taped it to be secure. I had to wear it all night....and when I got up in the morning you had me sit in the tub and piss on myself. You made me sit in the urine for a while....told me I was a dirty cunt. I was crying....and you just got in the shower and acted like you did not care. I sat in the smell of the urine and the urine squishing around.

Images of the egg vibe in my cunt and you fucking my ass.... images of you burning my clit....taking a pliers to it and threatening to pull it off... images of you telling me I would never be allowed to orgasm again, but pushing me to the edge many times and me screaming in frustration and being bad and for be frustrated.

All the images all the thoughts and desires…turn me on. I see them so clearly in my head. Many I know He will do.

I have noticed it is easier to express my desires here…now….in this state. It is like….they are so on the edge since I am on the edge with not being able to orgasm. And so something has to give and so they come out.

It scares me to think of the fantasies there for Him because….they are closer to reality there…with Him. He wants the type of relationship I do…I mean I read back the journal entries from February and it is a journey progressing into darkness….

Mmmmmmmmmmmm yummy!
I have a long blogger entry coming later this evening....really I

I have it done just need to proof it....and it is one that is very well graphic....detailed....the frustrated slut in me.....was writing and so I am a little nervous about posting it as usual before graphic posts. :)

Anyway IT will be coming! :)

Tuesday, March 11, 2003

Tuesday This - n - That....last weeks...I liked it better! LOL

1. Soup or salad? soup
2. Hot or cold sandwiches? cold
3. White or whole wheat bread (or rye, etc)? honey wheat
4. Pack a lunch for work/school, or buy it? buy it
5. If you eat chain, or mom & pop type place? fast food but would prefer a mom & pop type place
6. Tuna or chicken salad? tuna salad
7. Cheese: Swiss or cheddar (or American, etc)? Swiss
8. Mustard or mayo? mayo
9. Sandwiches: wrap/pita pocket, or regular bread/roll? regular bread
10. Sweet stuff: cookie/cake or fresh fruit? cookies!
Music: no music still fighting off migraines and not doing a good job of it
Mood: sad

I have not written a lot lately. And last week I had time too write, but I was a bum. I guess I am kind of crashing from being away from Him. Or I am just having PMS going on - probably both huh? lol He said He could send me m&m’s…that is His cure for everything. :) Good cure *grin* that or sex is my cure lol

Thursday I decided I needed to stop being a bum and dress. So I actually dressed girly girl. I have not been since back…mostly because I got used to dressing for Him and…I like dressing for Him. So the thought of dressing has made me sad.

Friday night I went to the Carpe Diem informal and dressed girly girl for Him also. I dressed in a shorter skirt then normal also because He likes that length of skirt.

Friday was a day of really full of energy…going and coming…

I did an Osho Zen reading for someone and it drained a lot of energy out of me. Not that I would not do it again for this person - because I would it was energy used that was well worth it. She needed the reading and I was glad to help.

After I do things like I did with her for this reading though…I feel so…strange. I mean I feel drained yet at the same time there is this nervous energy below the surface and I feel like a buzzing is going through my body. And that I need to get it out. I don’t quite understand what it is…or why that happens.

Okay I am sure none of that make sense…and sounds kind of weird.

Skillful speech not only means that we pay attention to the words we speak and to their tone but also requires that our words reflect compassion and concern for others and that they help and heal, rather than wound and destroy. -Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Eight Mindful Steps to Happiness"

Okay okay….I have read that several times but I still need to write this part out…

While I was in Colorado, someone we know said something that I have been taking…personal for several weeks now. And I am going to vent…

Vent as in…”To express (one's thoughts or feelings, for example), especially forcefully.”

So here goes the vent…

He said that basically he was happy I was with Master because that I have not made good choices in my past. I am really really paraphrasing what he said but what I took from it was that I have made bad relationship choices.

Okay several things that really irritated me about it:

1) We all make bad choices relationship wise at least once in our lives - so when he said what he said it made me feel like he was saying “well danae, you are stupid and don’t make good relationship choices.” I know I don’t always make good relationship choices, but we all have done it and I hope that I at least learn from my past.

2) I feel this person that said it feels he was a good relationship choice for me. And I violated my own personal ethics with Him sooooo I don’t think that was probably a good relationship choice. Not to mention many of my needs would have been unfulfilled with him.

I just think it was kind of hypocritical to say that.

I know my relationship now is GREAT. He is a wonderful man and Master and I am very lucky. So, in that aspect of what was said…that is true…Master is a good choice.

Done with this vent…more to come in this entry or future ones….*grin*

Not a good transition to this next section....but....I need to write about it....

Last night…He and I had a discussion about bisexuality again.

It did not go well. I am very happy He is trying to understand but at times I feel like I say something that I know because it is personal to me. And there is just no way he can know it because it is not close to Him or part of Him.

While I was there, He and I got in a disagreement because I told Him about someone I was involved who is not bisexual but she was involved with me. And He basically felt because she was involved with me that means she experienced bisexuality so she *is* bisexual.

And I was like nooooo she is not bisexual. I said she does not feel attraction towards women. She loves me and still does and that love was confused for attraction at first. As time grew, we both knew, but I guess but both of us were in denial about it for a long time. She was and is not attracted to women.

The definition that works for me…to define bisexuality for me is…

“Bisexuality means sexual or romantic attraction or behavior directed towards some members of more than one sex.”

Well with that definition He says that means that the person I was involved with is bisexual. Because she had “behavior” that was bisexual…behavior such as sex.

I don’t know how to say it any other way to get Him to see…she is not bisexual. Just because a person has sex with someone of the opposite sex does not mean they are bisexual or homosexual. It is the feelings associated with that act. It is an emotional and mental state that makes a person bisexual or not. A person can be bisexual without ever having sex with both sexes. And the person I was involved with had sex with me and she is not bisexual. Sex does not make the persons orientation….feelings make it.

We did not come to a common ground on this…

The bisexual community can’t even come to a common ground on a definition. Just like the D/s community has different definitions. Bisexuality does not fit into a nice neat package. It is not black or white…it is very gray.

Sometimes I feel like things are so black and white with Him. That there is no gray. And life is a gray. Not everything can be clearly defined. I know He sees gray…we have talked about that before. I just feel like things that seem really close/personal/knowledgeable to me get shot down by Him…I feel He seems to tell me I am wrong a lot on things close to me.

I love Him and we always…come to some type of understanding. It just is hard. Last nights disagreement on this was a bad one. I would say to the level of the nuclear melt down when I was there. Plus it happened when we are far apart and so that did not help matters.

Nothing has changed…I mean I still need Him and want to be His…

It just is hard that we have such opposite views on some big things…because how He defines this…will affect our relationship at some point as I am bisexual and I just can’t turn that off.

More later.

Sunday, March 09, 2003

I know I know...I have a post coming....really I do. I have had a busy weekend and then ended up with a migraine all day today starting last night....that was really really bad again.

Here is our (His and mine) horoscopes....they are pretty accurate for both of us :) The first line of His especially *grins* One of the reasons I love Him.

Mine is accurate because I am going through a crashing phase of not being with Him and I am eating out of control :( I am going to gain back the 10 lbs I lost last month. Uggghhhss

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): It’s going to be hard to control your desire to feel good. You’ve waited long enough and now you are ready to go for it. There is no harm in this tactic as long as you don’t go too far overboard in your self-indulgences. Go ahead and have the second piece of chocolate. But think twice about the third or fourth or fifth.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): You can turn the smallest conversation into a philosophical treatise. Everything is taking on larger proportions now and you are enjoying this expansive phase. There are lots of people in your life and the telephone calls, social gatherings and emails can take up much of your time. If you’re not careful, you can waste the day away with little to show for it. But you’ll probably have a good time that you’ll be able to remember.

Saturday, March 08, 2003

Friday Five on Saturday….

1. What was the last song you heard? The Sweetest Thing sung by a woman in the Carpe Diem group that has just an amazing voice! I mean amazing!

2. What were the last two movies you saw? Some of fear dot com and some of Oceans 11 (even though I have seen that whole movie a few times)

3. What were the last three things you purchased? Chocolate Milk, a card, and lingerie.

4. What four things do you need to do this weekend? Go to the informal, go shopping to use a gift certificate given to me, spend time with Moni, miss Him….which would be hard to stop me from doing….unless He was here or I was there.

5. Who are the last five people you talked to? Him, Michael, Moni, Katrina, and a friend of Moni’s.

Friday, March 07, 2003

Music: a mix of Kate Bush, Aimee Mann, Lily Frost, Emiliana Torrini, Frou Frou, Poe, Cocteau Twins, and Sixpence None the Richer

When you see a truck bearing down on you, by all means jump out of the way. But spend some time in meditation, too. Learning to deal with discomfort is the only way you'll be ready to handle the truck you didn't see. -Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness in Plain English"

I have a long journal entry started but wanted to at least post a shorter one before I head to bed....

I just had a good night phone conversation with Him. I am really really down and have been for the last few days. I am missing Him like crazy which is causing me to just want to curl up....go veg somewhere quiet...where my mind can slow down and everything can stop for a moment. I made a list the other day of all the things I need to start doing to start the process of moving there to be with Him. And although I am so wanting to be there...the sadness of not being there..of not being hobbled, of not being under His direct control, of not being able to serve Him and please Him THERE....of not being able to be at His feet and not being able to touch Him...of not being able to look at my Master and know I am going to be slowing me down and overwhelming me because I am not there....with Him. I need Him. And I wish I was there....*being a pouty little girl*

So basically I am down....and hating life right now because I am not there with Him.

I need to be here to get there...and I know it....I just don't like it.

Things that will be talked about in upcoming journal entry...orgasms, masturbation...putting His needs, wants and desires first. Also some vents of frustrations in life right now.

This weekend is a social weekend...lots of things that I could do...but the main thing I am going to do and want to hang out with friends. I think that will make me feel better. And I want to catch up with everyone I have missed while in Colorado.

Paused for a moment as I was changing my yahoo profile picture and now picture (it will take time for them to approve it) is couple of many he took of me. He has enjoyed me showing them off to friends. Some of them I would rather not see ever again LOL The sensory depravation ones seem to be the ones that kind of scare everyone. I am hooded, blindfolded, duct tape gag, restrained spread eagle to the bed....clothed actually. Clothed in a big yellow sleep shirt, panties kind of half on and off....and thigh highs...very vogue image LOL The images of that scene are not favorites of mine but the scene itself was incredible. I can't even begin to explain the places is brings me. Yummy!!!

With that thought in my mind I am going to go lay on the floor and masturbate (because I am not allowed on the bed to do this). I am to bring myself to the edge of orgasm 3 times. And then stop and go to bed...with no orgasm...which I will explain in my next blogger entry more....

Sweet Wicked Dreams...I hope are coming my way *smiles*

Monday, March 03, 2003

Music: Norah Jones (He gave me the CD while there)
Mood: sad that I am not in Colorado with Him

Well I suppose I better write….

I am back in Ohio. I am at Bill and Lisa’s again. Moni picked me up at the airport. She is marvelous…my plane got in early and she was there when I got in…so I was a lucky girl. We went to dinner to catch up.

I spent Saturday night at her place. Sunday Moni made a big turkey dinner and Bill and Lisa came over for dinner. And to pick me up.

Last night I started to get a migraine from hell. I have not had a migraine that was this bad since this summer when I was moving. I was in so much pain that I seriously considered waking Bill and Lisa up to bring me to the ER.

I am doing much better at this moment….still moments of pounding and upset stomach but not anything NEAR what it was last night. I am very thankful for that…

I am sure the headache came on due to me holding off some feelings….sadness from leaving Him. At the airport I stood with Him, before going through security crying…and telling Him I did not want to leave. I was clinging to His shirt like a little girl leaving Daddy…leaving her safe place….leaving the place she is happy. It was not a good sight.

Then down at security I am waiting in line and realize that I left my collar on…it is a chain that padlocks in the front. Right now it is at a length that I can slip it over my head…done purposefully. So, I am waiting in line, slip it over my head and put it in my purse. Of course when my purse goes through they pick up my purse and were looking at the outside of it…I have a leather heart key chain that is a lock…hanging from the outside of my purse. The mechanism in the lock I guess was setting of something on their monitor.

On the way to Colorado, I got pulled a side - selected ahead of time - to be searched. That was fun…I had 2 carry on bags and they both were PACKED and so they had to pull everything out and then put it back lol I am sure they loved that.

I had all my toys of course in my main suitcase, which was checked. So at least they were not pulling out toys (floggers, clamps, paddles and so on) plus vibrators there in front of everyone. : )

I went with 4 bags - 2 carry on’s and 2 checked bags and came back with 3. I left stuff with Him…


Well if you have not figured it out from what I have written so far…

He and I are going to the next level…

And that is me moving there to be His permanently. *smiles* So I will be moving to Colorado. I am very excited about that of course…to be His and there. But totally on a side note…Colorado is one of my favorite places. I have wanted to move there as long as I can remember.

Good things come to those who wait I guess : )

I am very very happy.

We had some rough spots. The last week was REALLY hard on BOTH of us. We were going through our own insecurities and both were battling them in different ways…that sometimes clashed.

But in the big picture…the positives….how we click so well together in D/s and as well as everyday things…is amazing. He is great man….intelligent, good sense of humor, strong, loving, sadistic and so much more. I am very very luck to have found someone to share everything with….to be able to be me and know I am loved and accepted and wanted. (The wanted part is still a slight insecurity I am trying to work through.)

We had rough spots (as everyone saw who read the journal) while I was there but it was living and it is part of the process as He says in His journal. A lot was left out…what was going on with us.

But in the end it obviously is working out….as I am moving to Colorado to be His willing captive.

Everyone is asking me….soooo what is He like….sooo what did you not write about in the journal.

I did not write about lots, as it just was not feasible with my schedule.

Not that it was a hard schedule…I just was not allowed online much. I had time to check mail and send out pictures to Ayn’s Place but that was about it. Many times it was….”You need to do a blog tonight.”

He is really a good guy. He is all the things I said above….plus handsome, sexy, responsible, serious minded, passionate, compassionate, considerate, a planner….and so much more. If anyone reads His journal you know He is a thinker. He thinks about everything. And I like that…means I don’t have to worry about much as He is thinking it through for the both of us. : )

He and I did a thing where we talked about things we liked, disliked, things that annoyed us about each other and several other questions. It was interesting and very good…I think for both of us…keeps us grounded.

It is late and I am tired…

I want to get this much posted at least. Tomorrow I am going to try to write about my view of a day in a life of being His willing captive. And also just other feelings of being without Him…things that I did not write about while there and so on and so forth lol

Saturday, March 01, 2003


I hope to write more later.....when I am more awake....

But wanted to write quickly.....

I found a man that has built me a castle.....

Check out Soulhuntre's blog to understand what I mean by that....
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