danae

Music: K's Choice, Amy Studt, Darling Violetta, Amiee Mann, Frou Frou, Kate Bush, The Sunday's and Tori Amos...
Mood: Tired...Stress...Missing Him
Topics: Main topic Orgasm Denial

I have noticed my allergies are worse here in Ohio then in Colorado even with the cats. Strange huh?

I miss the cats….yes I miss Him more, but I also miss the cats especially His little girl cat…since she at least acted like she liked me. LOL His boy cat as been His for so long that….it is used to just Him and you can tell he, the cat, does not like change at all.

For a cute thing….well I think it is cute….

My mom and I have not had problems in the past talking about sex….so the other night I talked to her. I had already told her about Him and moving. She was THRILLED for me. She knew this was the ONE. Anyway, the other night on the phone talking about Him yet again she asks…”So is your sex life good with him?” I told her yes and then she said, "So you have good...well...umm you know…?” I said, “Yes Mom, I have good orgasms with Him.” LOL not a typical mother/daughter talk huh? LOL :)

I am at Moni’s again….tonight (Wednesday) I got together with Katrina to have our chat session. And then tomorrow night is a GNO (Girl’s Night Out). On Friday I will probably just staying here…hanging out with Moni, Michael and Katrina….I still need to ask Him about the weekend…I only had my schedule approved up until Thursday night. Then Saturday night is SMART but I am not sure if I can afford to be going. So I am kind of iffy on that one right now. So a busy weekend is ahead.

He has already given me a lecture about my schedule here. And things will I know be slowing down next week. He wants me to get my stuff done.

I suppose I should talk about the stuff I don’t want to talk about…

The last week I was there it was hard. But even though we had bumps and it was hard, my intuition still felt that I was in the right place. He is a great man. I am a very lucky girl.

With Him things are different then they have been with others.

He takes, but he also *makes* me give things to Him. He finds out the things that I don’t want to admit and then makes me admit them and then beg for that exact thing I am embarrassed to admit that I want or like.

And I have had that in some relationships, but not to this level. He likes watching me struggle and then submit. And so I give into this with Him because I know who He is and who I am to Him. It is part of our power exchange.

But in the past I have either given my submission as a sense of duty or it has been taken from me. With M I had to give things, but it was not like it is with Master.

Am I making sense?

Example…the hood…

When He realized I was secretly, deep inside craving the hood, He told me He was not going to put it on me again until I begged for it. I hated that He was making me admit it out loud, but loved it all at once because He knew. He knew from seeing me, from the things I was saying and how I said them how much I was turned on and desired the hood. Before I went there, I had a fear of them and that is not totally gone. We have not done a full hood yet and full hood excites me, but also scares me a lot still.

It was hard to admit out loud that I wanted the hood on and that it turned me on so much…turned me on how it made me feel, but He made me. It was even harder to beg for it. I want Him to force me to do some of things so that I don’t feel…like I am really the one wanting them. So that it can be Him that wants it and I am doing it for Him. He enjoys seeing me struggle…while I beg for this thing that I want to say I hate. He is sadistic lol

So that is what He does….He some how gets me to admit or pulls out of me that I hate and love something….and then makes me give it to Him. Beg for it and submit to this thing I hate and love. It is not nice or fair. *grin* But who said this relationship was suppose to be nice and fair huh? LOL If it was nice and fair, I would not like it…that is what He tells me when I say that.

So this goes on to the real topic at hand…

The last night I was there I had not had an orgasm for 2 days…the longest I went while there. And so I was quite frustrated and wanting that orgasm. It was an extremely intense orgasm that soaked through 4 layers of bedding. It was a GREAT orgasm *blushing*

While He was teasing me and playing with me…He talked about just taking a pliers and pulling my clit off. Something I actually have had fantasies about – but one of those I am sure I would never want - but…anyway…as He played He talked about that. And I then confessed to Him that I did not want to have an orgasm without Him. Meaning…I wanted to wait. Uggghh….yes I said it…out loud…*shakes head*

He actually did not say much about it. But He did say, “Maybe this will be your last orgasm.”

Welllllll…it probably won’t be my last but it is my last until I see Him again. And so far I am not doing very well with it. I mean I have not had an orgasm since, but I am very frustrated.

The reason I don’t want to orgasm without Him is to show how much I want to be His. I am an extremely sexual person. I believe sex is a need for me. And before He and I got together, we went over needs and wants. He, I think, believes sex is a need for me also.

But….

I want to show Him (I know He wants it also) that I *need* to put His wants, desires and needs before mine. And I want to please Him so much…and so I am trying very hard to put His wants, desires and needs before mine and live without the orgasms.

The catch is…He does not want my sexuality to turn off so…we discussed that He still wants me to have some pleasure just not an orgasm. So, I am masturbating to the edge and then stopping. And that is His desire, but at this moment I feel to keep my sexuality turned on it is probably best that I have some type of pleasure. And so right now I am trying to get to use to that the pleasure I am getting from just masturbating without an orgasm is enough pleasure because HE wants and desires it for me.

It has been 12 days since my last orgasm. I sound like I should be saying it has been 12 days since my last drink….like I am addicted to sex. And well I might be…

The relationship I seek, I hope that it becomes second nature to me that His wants, needs and desires are always my first thought. That His thoughts are mine, His pleasure my pleasure…I get scared of losing myself. But also want it a lot. I mean it does not feel like losing myself. It feels like it will be that I find myself.

So on to the good stuff that some people would like in bold…*grins* and as it happens this time I am going to bold it as it is emails I sent to Him….

I have been having lots of fantasies all over the place soft and tender but…most of orgasm denial and of other dark desires I have…

I write Him emails after He allows me to masturbate (without orgasm of course) to tell Him what I was thinking of while I brought myself to the edge.

Here is last Friday’s email…

Last night I did as you instructed....

All my thoughts last night seemed to be centered around one topic...

Phasing out orgasms....

I had these fantasies of when I am there with You...at first I am allowed to masturbate daily but You have a certain number of times You want me to play with myself through out the day… bringing myself to the edge. I will have had to please you sexually at least once where You cum in my hand, mouth, cunt, ass. All tasks - such as cleaning or other tasks you want of me done need to be done that were to be accomplished must be done before I can masturbate to orgasm. You only brought me to orgasm once a week.
The only other times You would touch my cunt is to inflict pain on it and I was not allowed orgasms with the pain. If the tasks were not done then I did not get to orgasm. If by the end of the week you felt I had not done an adequate job at the tasks then You would rule on if I got an orgasm from You. Also when I failed to complete the tasks I was disciplined.

So that was the first phase of the fantasies when I brought myself to the edge the first time…

The second phase changed where it went to once a week I was able to please myself sexually. But again daily I was to go to the edge. And daily I had tasks and if all that was done then I would be able to masturbate to orgasm. And You gave me an orgasm from you....once every 2 weeks. Again if things were not completed to your satisfaction then....I was not allowed.

This time as I as approaching the edge... I had the thought of being disciplined and denied orgasm from masturbating. You were lecturing me and then put me in the cage to reflect on being sloppy and lazy. You told me that I would have to beg to be caned to be forgiven. When You let me out, I was crying and sobbing and begging for You to cane me. And so I was bent over and counting and apologizing and thank you and asking for the next one. It was hard and I did not want to ask and I did not want beg it was hard...but I needed Your forgiveness so badly.

And that is when I reached the edge the 3rd time of the image of being bad....and being caned because I was bad and needed Your forgiveness. It bothers me that I get turned on by the thought of being punished. Because in reality when You are upset with me – I hate it. It hurts all throughout me.

So before approaching the 3rd time and third phase....

Again tasks were to be completed...and it had moved again...and I was only allowed to please myself once every 2 weeks and You did once a month.

Some of the months were very loving and caring...You bring me to that orgasm...or working me closer and closer and feeling your touch. Oh your touch…I miss your touch so much.

One was of you going down on me....and I was restrained as I wanted to stop you....
One was of me restrained I was standing up with my hands above my body and you were being soft and sensual mixed with pain every once in a while. You rubbed my clit while I was standing up so I squirted all over the floor...

And then other times were very clinical.

Another where You had the speculum and rubber gloves touching my cunt....making fun of me...how fat I am and timing me and telling me i was pathetic as it took me a long time as I was so self conscious…

Yet another time.....when I was on my period and You smeared the blood on my face and told me how dirty I was and then stuck me into the cage with blood on my cunt, legs and face and made me sleep that way.

And the flashes between dark and soft and dark and soft were going fast and I went to the edge again. And then stopped and went to bed.

I always get nervous when posting that kind of stuff *blushing* But it is me…these are the things I think about…those are things He and I do…

Exciting and scary : )

Another email actually that came before the last one…

I got near orgasm about 7 times. ((I was allowed to go to the edge as much as I wanted for this occasion- He was being good to me because I was having a rough time.))

The first thoughts were of....last night and wanting it so much and how bad I was....for begging and pleading. Being selfish and undisciplined.

I was thinking that…thinking all of the above, but seeing images all at once. Seeing images of being in the cage, being slapped, drinking your piss....

When I neared to the edge the 3rd time....my brain just kept saying "You are bad...He does not want you to orgasm --- this is for Him" I thought of that – that this was because You wanted it. Thoughts that Your wants were first. Nearing the edge the 5th time...all that kept going through my mind was that I was bad and dirty and did not deserve orgasms....

Images going through the whole time thinking…images of being caged, hooded – each image of the hood was different (partial hoods, some with just mouth and a nose holes, others full hood with breathing tube, some locked on). Each time I saw the cage in my mind I was different....once had the mittens....on my back and my arms were up and hooked to the top bars in the cage and same with the ankles...I felt very exposed vulnerable....and like an animal. I was in a hood too. Times of being beat by you....told I am bad. Time of being spit on by you and told I am bad. I thought of getting You off many times throughout this too...

I had an image of being told I was not allowed to touch you for being bad girl and begging for orgasms. I had an image of being stuffed...my cunt...with a cold big chain....told I would take it all because I had a whore's cunt. You pushed it all in....it hurt....and then you put a plug in me and then put saran around me like a diaper of sorts and duct taped it to be secure. I had to wear it all night....and when I got up in the morning you had me sit in the tub and piss on myself. You made me sit in the urine for a while....told me I was a dirty cunt. I was crying....and you just got in the shower and acted like you did not care. I sat in the smell of the urine and the urine squishing around.

Images of the egg vibe in my cunt and you fucking my ass.... images of you burning my clit....taking a pliers to it and threatening to pull it off... images of you telling me I would never be allowed to orgasm again, but pushing me to the edge many times and me screaming in frustration and being bad and for be frustrated.

All the images all the thoughts and desires…turn me on. I see them so clearly in my head. Many I know He will do.

I have noticed it is easier to express my desires here…now….in this state. It is like….they are so on the edge since I am on the edge with not being able to orgasm. And so something has to give and so they come out.

It scares me to think of the fantasies there for Him because….they are closer to reality there…with Him. He wants the type of relationship I do…I mean I read back the journal entries from February and it is a journey progressing into darkness….

Mmmmmmmmmmmm yummy!