Monday, December 31, 2001

Happy New Year

Music: going crazy with - listening to all sorts - Creed, Nickleback, The Calling, Bjork, Dianna Krall

It is New Years Eve.....

I am not sure what to even write about.

The stuff that plagues me usually has not been that bad today. I had some problems earlier today. But right now I am okay.

Kam went out with a friend of ours. He did not want to leave me alone. I told him I would be okay and I am.

I wish everyone a very Happy New Year.....

I will write more later in 2002 :)


Sunday, December 30, 2001

Forgetting Room

Music: Celtic Voices ~ Women of Song, Celtic Christmas, Clannad

"Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional." ~ Hermann Witt

That was a quote on a coaster when I went out with my parents and sister to Champs. I liked it so took the coaster with me.

I have lots rolling around in my head and my heart.

On the plane I started another book by Paulo Coelho....The Alchemist. One the way back on the plane I finished it. I was exactly half way through it when I stopped on the way there....and finished the rest on the way back...weird huh? It was a very good book. It is about going after your dreams which are part of your destiny. The Valkyries probably made more of an impact on me. But The Alchemist spoke to me also. Over Thanksgiving at my sister's I read the Forgetting Room by Nick Bantock and it was a really good book too. It puzzled me that Todd had read this book and not got it...or actually I think he did but he did not know how to grasp on to the idea and go forward with it. Scared maybe.

I thought of Todd a few times over the holiday at my parents. It was weird. We were sitting in a restaurant my mom, dad and sister were talking about things and before my eyes the last time Todd and I were together flashed before my eyes.

The last time we were together....physically.....was rough and hard. The pain the love I had for him all felt in those moments as it replayed before me. It was weird how it came to me. It was flashes of images but out of order kind of but all there. Some of the flashes made my mind think of that night so it was like I was thinking of the night and replaying it slow and all of sudden a flash - fast before my eyes would happen on top of the other image. It was like I was watching 2 screens almost. My hand went up to my of it...and just was held there and my mom asked me if I was okay. I did not hear her but did and then I snapped out of it and said yes...realized my hand was there....the place where he had bit me and I ended up having a bruise that I think lasted 6 weeks. I got up and went to the bathroom I was not scared by the images - but sad.

I am worried about Sir Nick as I have not heard from him and I got the impression from him he would call me while at my parents. But he did not. It made me sad he did not and then now because it has been so long since I heard from him I am worried.

While at my parents my mom, my sister and I talked about relationships. I got sad thinking about things....

I really want someone who will give as much in a relationship as give.....

I just stopped writing for a little while because Honey just called me. I had not heard from her in a while. I wrote friends of hers in Germany that I really liked and asked them about her since I had not heard from her. And he got on her case for not letting me know she is okay :) See next time I just need to go to him so that I know I will hear from her lol

We joked that our lives are in the same place they always

She was not thrilled with the things I was saying about my current relationship status. And I knew her current relationship status has to be stressful. So we are in the same place we always are lol

I met someone online yesterday that was very interesting we spent many hours online chatting. He, actually, reminded me of Nick when Nick and I first started chatting as Nick read everything I had out there too. And this man was the same he read a lot of what I have out there. It made me miss those times with Sir Nick even more.

I also chatted with Sir Rob yesterday.....the first time in a while. I thought of him quite a few times while at my parents.

I have been having lots of nightmares....and I wake up wanting to call Nick but know he will not be there or not hear the phone or what not. That is a really hard thing to deal with not having that person there for you when you need them. The person I chatted with last night told me I could call him...he just met me and was saying I could call him that seemed amazing to me. I did wake up with nightmares....right now they are going to happen and i understand that and accept that....I just wish that i had someone help me get through them. :(

One line in The Forgetting Room ……”….remember here in the Forgetting room the past is the present.”

We learn from our past…it is who we are… creates who we are…..

I am the person I am because of all the things I have went through….and I do like the person I am and I just need to keep remembering that….

I am who I am….because of my experiences good and bad…..


Saturday, December 29, 2001

Love Me

I remember when I was in Germany I wrote a piece on love and what I was looking for which of course is gone with the crash of my computer.

It went something like this....summed up.....

I want someone to love me like I love them. I want them to give me as much as I give them.

I am home is after 3am and I am up because I had an asthma attack after waking up from a nightmare.

Going to try to go back to sleep if I can slow this brain down a little....


Sunday, December 23, 2001

Off for Christmas Vacation...

Music: Various Christmas Music

It is 2am and I need to get up at 5:30am. I need to be at the airport at 7am. I am going to my parents for Christmas. I will be back on Friday.

Yesterday in trying to fix the virus I had on my computer, we botched it up and it basically wiped everything from my computer. It would not boot back up. So I am pretty upset as I did not back this computer up. I had my old computer backed up with things saved all over the place and on lots of disks. But this one I transferred so much of my stuff from the disks to my new computer because it was so big, new and ran so great that I was not worried about losing anything. In the 10 years I have been online I have hardly ever backed anything up and I have never had a virus or lost anything. And I have lost 10 years of things. I had stories, poems, term papers, pictures, art, graphics, and so much business stuff on it - some stuff 10 years old. So I am pretty bummed. I am trying not to think of it. When I do, I start to cry.

I chatted with Ray online a little while tonight. We had an interesting conversation. I could tell he had read my journal. He was trying to figure out what is best for me. I am not sure he understands me at times but he really tries and I am glad that I have him around :)

We had not chatted in a while as I am just not online all that much. Except to get stupid virus. lol

I did not get to talk to Sir Nick much this week and I hoped to have a "good" conversation with him before he left for Christmas vacation. I thought maybe he would be online tonight. But he has not. I am not sure how much I will be able to be online and not sure if I will post to my blogger or not. I am nervous my Dad might find it lol

What I mean by a "good" conversation is....a conversation where....we talk about life, D/s, vanilla stuff, things going on around us, us meeting, those types of things. We used to have these great long conversations online questions and topics. He would express his feelings more to me then. Now he is in his work mode and it is hard for him to let some of the wall of strength down and just be with me. He is still him he just has this outside wall up so that emotions do not get in the way of his work. And I understand, but it is hard.

I feel bad about being gone this week....I should be here for Di to get through the stuff she needs too. Kam so far has been putting up a good front that he is okay with me going. It is going to be really hard on both of us though. I am going to miss him a lot. I found a card I bought to give him 2 years ago that I never gave to him. It says so much of what I wanted with him...what I want in general. I want us both to be happy. I just do not see that happening together at this time. I can't ever be submissive to him and I do need D/s in my life. sucks sometimes.

It is going to be weird to be home for Christmas and around all my family. My sister who lives in Kansas is the only one who will not be there. My Grandma, my mom's brother and sister's and their kids will be there. So it will be a houseful. Just like when I was a little girl.

Well, it is close to 2:30am so I better get to bed....

Good night! Sweet Dreams....

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas!

And I wish Moni a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! *kisses* It is her birthday today!


Thursday, December 20, 2001


Music: Stadivari Sampler CD

I am ready to throw things and scream and yell and curl up and cry. I have not cried one of those really good cries in a really long time. Probably have not cried since August when I finally cried over Todd. I have not had time to break down.

Things are so up and down. Business is still GREAT. But if anyone ever says to me in the future lets open a business with ALL women involved....I really need to think 2 times....3 least 10 times about it. It is one drama after another with them. And it just gets very tiring.

Kam has had to run all over today and without him I think I would have broke down today. I mean at one thing after another went wrong today. Really this week the last 2 days have been like that. I am VERY VERY thankful to have him in my life. I love him.

It was really hard to book that plane ticket last night. Kam told me I could stay here for Christmas. He changed his mind. He is going through what I am right now...I want to be with him as this might be our last Christmas together. I am not sure but who knows what the future hold. I care for Nick very much and if things work with him...who knows where I will be in a year. I also have not been to see my parent for Christmas in 3 years and Christmas is my mother's favorite holiday. And mine. If I stayed it would be hard emotionally. Kam does not want anything Christmas up a tree - my nativity set and so on. So, it would be hard to not celebrate Christmas if I stayed. I had asked Di, Ray and Nick's advice. They all told me to go to my parents. And I still even last night as hit the purchase button I wondered if I was doing the right thing.

Kam has been so good to me really since right after Todd and I broke up I noticed the biggest changes. He takes care of me and I like that. I like not having to be in charge. Yes, some things I still am but right now since he is home all the time I have not had to deal with nearly as much as I did. And that feels good. To know someone else will handle it. Like all that went on this morning he took care of and I know it was REALLY stressful for him too but he did it for me.

Okay I need to change subjects and stop tearing up so much.

I talked to Nick online this morning. Time wise if you looked at when we started the conversation and ended it - it was a long time but actual conversation with him working was hard. But I also understand. I gave him my parent’s number and all my flight info. I hope he calls me at my parents. He will have his laptop with him so we will be able to talk via online. I just need to make sure I talk on one of my semi-vanilla names.

I feel very cut off from everyone right now. I have hardly talked to anyone. I know Lisa is going through a lot and I think of her lots. Di is going through a lot and I do not feel I have been there for her enough. I have not seen Moni in ages and miss her so much! JJ and I were suppose to do dinner on Monday I can't remember what crisis happened that night where I did not get to call her and make plans for that. So I hope to either try to get her before I leave or right when I get home. Same with Moni! Moni's birthday is coming up. I made her something last year for her birthday and chickened out on giving it to her so maybe I will get the nerve this year. I have not talked to SJ in a long time. Kam keeps more in touch with her.

I need to take my sister out when I am at my parents and explain more what I do for a living since I outed myself to both my sisters when visiting my sister at Thanksgiving. Jim's parents sent me a nice Christmas present as usual :) They are very good to me. I stayed with them in Kansas for a night and they brought me to the airport. Jim's mom main concern was that I find someone to live all my days with and be happy. She wants me to enjoying growing old and loving someone. She told me she pictured me with someone older then me. My first thought when she said that was Sir Rob. I actually thought of him quite a bit on that trip. I think of him lots now too. But I know he does not wish to chat with me because he wants me as his and sees that I am Nick's.

The other day someone messaged me while I was chatting with Sir Nick....and said something like Cum here now Slut! I cut and pasted it to Sir and cut and pasted my response to that person to Sir also. He liked my response. The person then came back with is he using you. And I just do not like online stuff where people act like he would be beating me online. I just lived there once and do not get it anymore. Real thing is what I want to feel!

I am what is new.....


Wednesday, December 19, 2001

Not a Good Time

I can't sleep. I hate this month. Sleep just will not come. It is not like things are plaguing me as they have in the past. It is not that bad actually. I just almost feel like I am waiting for the rug to be pulled out from me and to end up on my ass. But so far it is has been okay.

I feel very distant from things right now. Work is my life and it is getting very tiring.

I just purchased my ticket to my parents. I am crying. I can't even explain what it means. It just hurts. It was a hard decision to make. I can't believe I am going to go to my parents.....

good night....


Tuesday, December 18, 2001


I woke up about 2:30 am with a nightmare. And tried to get back to sleep. I ended up getting up at 3:30am and wrote Nick an email, wrote some work emails, and then went to watch TV.

I was flipping through channels stopping here and there and at 4am a movie came on....that I stopped to watch. It was a book and then a movie - real life story. A movie about what I do for a living. The end of the movie I related to lots. She was tired. It made me think of my life and writing about my life. LOL What a story.

I remember the first time I met Jackie we are all around the table eating dinner and I was sharing stories of my life. And she was just looking at me with this amazed look on her face. I said what? She said you think your life is boring don't you. I said yes. I look back at this past year and even though what I do for a living is not ordinary. It is job and I get sick of it just like other people do with their jobs. And at times it just seems to ordinary to me.

I am jaded.....

Even watching that movie tonight what she was doing and saying seemed very everyday to me. I think people reading this would be sad to think that I have "become" this way. But really....all my life nothing has ever shocked me. I am so on the opposite ends of my life.....I am naive and innocent still as well as jaded.

An innocent thing:

One night talking to Ray about masturbating I admitted I never even masturbated until I was 27 or 28 years old. And when I did I never achieved orgasm until I started adding toys.

Jaded thing:

He asked me what I did when I was horny when young.....I said I found someone to have sex with. LOL It is true.

I think of my life and that is where I think the story should come into play. It is so all over the place. I was sexually active at a young age and then I moved to Nebraska at age 10. I then did not do the things I had done before. I did not have anything sexual happen again until I was 16. When I was 16, I felt like I was starting over. I did not know what to do and very shy. We moved from a town with less then 1000 people to a city of 500,000. So I experienced a little bit if culture shock. If they only knew of the little girl I was before. I probably am lucky I was not the same. I became very introverted...shy.

This is a strange rambling blogger....

Last December was HARD but things changed for me then too. This December they are proving to be hard again.

Kam told me he did not want me here for Christmas. I heard that last Christmas too but in the end I know Kam was happy I stayed. We had a nice Christmas. So this year I pretty much chalked it up to him being him and hating Christmas and his birthday so just saying it. And then he said it again today. Well, it pretty much was one of those times where I was like fine you don't want me here I will leave then. So I looked for prices online for a ticket found one that is reasonable, called my parents to see if it was okay with them that I came and then told Kam. Of course he then tells me that I can stay. So, now I have my mom all excited about coming and not sure I am going to. Most I have wrote about Kam in a long time.

Anyway so now I am not sure what to do....stay or go to my parents.

He is not like he was last year but it is hitting lots of buttons from last year. So part of me thinks if it is going to stay like this then I really should leave because I do not deserve to be treated that way....especially when I am not doing or saying anything to cause it.

It is 6am and I am up...I have been since 2am. I have a long day ahead of me of course too. I just am so tired. I need a vacation so bad.

But going to my parents will not be a vacation. Ugghhh

I was just reading through old emails that Nick has sent me....

He sent me one in September.....

It said: "In case you hadn't guessed, I do miss you lots"

When he and I first started talking he was opening up....that was close to that time. Since he has been so busy, he has closed parts of himself off and does not say things like that anymore. And I understand but it still is hard. He though of late has not opened up, but I guess made me feel more secure in knowing he does care and showed me he wants to keep going forward. So that has helped me a lot.

I am all over the place of course as usual....

So much to do.....

good night...


Sunday, December 16, 2001


I do not know where to start.....

Lets see I had a really really bad long week...and Saturday there was a party that took all that stress away!

I had a migraine yesterday and I was not sure I was going to be able to go the party. But I finally got rid of it and got dressed to go out with Kam and another friend of ours. I had not wore my leather skirt in a while so decided to wear that and a black poets blouse and compared to the other women that came to the party and that were at the establishment we were at...I was OVER dressed!!! As in too many clothes lol

We went to 2 places and the first place was a bikini bar and the girls there were soooo friendly and nice! We had lots of fun!

OMG the tits I saw last night! And the last good bye kiss I had was out of this world. I was soooo drunk last night.

I had 4 drinks and they were not affecting me so the 5th one Kam ordered it as a double and then the 6th also. And then we switched bars and the 7th he ordered that way too. And I was drunk. I can't even remember some of it. I remember one of the gentleman motioning his finger towards me and I said what do you want and he said something and I kind of made a gesture like I was going to pop my breasts out of my bra....because with that bra they really do pop out lol And he nodded and said sure and I said I need permission from keeper since Kam was watching out for me last night and Kam said sure of course lol So I popped them out of my bra. Getting back in was too much trouble so I left them out for a while and then pushed them back in before we left lol

I had a great time...I can't even begin to explain it. I giggled all the way home. I hope I was not a stupid drunk but a cute one lol

I really needed last night and so glad that I had so much fun!


Edit: 6/13/09 - I just was reading this entry and I want to someday remember what event I am actually talking about so going to add a little bit more here. The event Kam and I went to was an industry event for escorting. I think I actually even have a photo of me popping my breasts out that I mention. The kiss was with Cassandra.

Friday, December 14, 2001


Music: no music today i have a migraine

This week has been very hectic of course. Kam is even helping me and I still feel like I did not stop going and going all week. It seemed one bad thing happened this week after another....all work related. But over all this was a good week - I am very busy so that is good. I just need some time off and there is a growing urgency for this as I feel like I am just going to snap soon and scream at everyone. Kam is going to have to take over for a bit or I will go crazy lol

Sir Nick and I were able to talk online a few times this week. One night he was being evil and sadistic. He is a lot of the time but this was more constant. I feel at times he does things for a reason but I just can't figure out why.

Di has been going through a lot and I helped her, I feel, in a very small way and she keeps thanking me for it. She is my best friend and she just cannot get that she does not need to thank me. That I love her and was so happy that I was able to help her. It is really sad....she was just online and her work Christmas party is tonight she asked for suggestions to wear and so I told her. She could not figure out what sweater I was talking about and I told her where it was exactly in her closet. But yet I opened the excedrin migraine bottle and can't remember if i took them or not lol

Well, it is almost time for me to leave again to go meet someone for work.

I hope to just stay home allllll weekend!


Monday, December 10, 2001

Too Forceful

Music: Various Christmas Music

Well, business is going very good but because of that I am working like none stop. I just wish for a day off. Kam said he would do work this week for 2 days to give me days off. But I also know I am a control freak and have to ask him if he did such and such and such and such. So I won't be able to totally to let go and just relax and do nothing work related.

I was reading through old journal entries and I talked about how the man I broke up with saw things totally different then how I saw them. And then looking over parts where I talk about Sir Nick doing something to put me on a certain path. And I wonder if I want that so that is what I see. Or if it is really there. It really seems like it is but maybe I want what he seems to offer so much I see what I want to see.

One night chatting with him online. I told him I was braindead. He wanted me to describe something. And I just was not in the right mindset to *think.* Just thinking was too much. So he started describing it and how he described it made me get in the mindset and pretty soon I was describing and being very detailed lol And I believe he did that on purpose. And when I asked him about it he is very just nonchalant about it. Like maybe I did. Making me guess and wonder. I guess it keeps me on my toes lol

Anyway, I see things in him that seem to be what I seek in my relationship D/s and vanilla.

Yesterday was 4 months of Sir Nick and I talking online and the phone.

We were talking on Sunday night. And I was chatting with Di and also Ray around the same time as Sir Nick was up and down from him computer busy with things.

Ray had told me he agreed with my post on the ultimatum for the most part. So I of course asked him what for parts did he not agree with.

Ray said: "More in tone than substance. I don't feel any ability in you to humble yourself, lower yourself, in order to communicate your needs. Feels forceful to me and I can understand why others would object to that even if you're right"

I have the ability to humble myself and lower myself to communicate but it is something I will not give up until I know....that I am safe. Because doing that breaks a wall down in me and makes me more exposed and vulnerable. So, I do not do that. I also found with Kam if I was humble and lowered myself he never took me seriously. (Or at least that is how it seemed)When I came to him in a forceful manner he responded and took notice.

I just was reading back some serious emails with Sir Nick - where I was trying to communicate needs and such and I think I came across demure and not humble but not forceful either.

I think when I write about these things in my journal I come across as being very forceful but I am actually not.

Ray said: "still, there is a layer of dignity, or control, that you never take away. Is that right for a "slave", I don't know. Personally I want to see it stripped away."

He is right it is always there. And I want it stripped away. It is just going to be a hard task for whoever decided to take it on. Sir Nick up to it? *grin*

I really do want it stripped away. I want to be enslaved.

When Sir Nick first messaged me Sunday night, I got upset right away. And I do not know how to convey this but I really am understanding of his schedule. It just is hard and it is easier then it was at first but I do not like it and does not mean that it is easy to deal with now. It is not. I just have learned ways to cope with it better. Does not make it easier. Anyway, I started crying and I did not tell Sir Nick but I told Ray. And I said I hate to cry. I do I cry a lot but I hate crying. At least I feel I cry a lot.

I do want expose myself to Nick. It just will take time.

More of my convo with Ray.....

Ray: "The dance is nothing without empathy. Without it it's just abuse."

He then asked me about Mistress DM. Which I thought was interesting. He wanted to know about a woman that could get me to crawl. So we talked about her for a while.

We also talked about something that he has used to get to me. My name. My real name. He was the first to get it.

I shared the secret with Nick. He had an interesting point to make about it. But I am not sharing that here :)

My conversation with Nick started out rocky and I know he did not get that right away but he always figures it out. It is scary.

Di asked me what makes Nick tick. And my answer was that I did not know. And most of the time I don't. He keeps himself closed off but not in the same way as Dale and Todd did. Nick is honest but just does not I guess find it necessary to go into certain areas. Not that won't share some areas with me someday (like Todd never wanted to share some areas with me) Nick will it will just take time - trust - building of a relationship. But I told Nick my answer to Di and he seemed surprised. I do not think I offended him but I surprised him.

Di and I were talking about the assignment knowing. I told her Nick was going to make me ask about it. He was not upset with me. He says that he knows that I will turn in assignments as soon as I can if I can't get to it right then. And doing it counts. Di and I were talking about what I thought about what he had to say when he asked me a question that came out the blue.

I really am amazed how sometimes it feels like he reads my mind. Because Sir asked me a question and it seemed like he had been a mouse in the corner of Di and my im convo lol

I have never had a Dominant ask me that question and I was totally impressed.
He then went on to let me know when I would hear from him and that made me feel very wanted. I know silly but it did.

I was in a weird mood and I apologized to him for being weird. And then he said one more thing that was like he had been listening to Di and my conversation. And then he ended with something that makes me feel control and it is just a little thing. And that made me feel good that he did that, as he has not in a very long time.

So the conversation with him was great. He is great and I can't wait to submit to him in person.


Friday, December 07, 2001

ultimatum or choices

Music: Ottmar Lieber

Yesterday I was chatting with a friend on the phone and she told me she talked to someone I was involved with. Anyway, his version of how things broke up was TOTALLY different from mine. And that bothered me a lot.

So I asked him if he would call me. He called. I told him what my friend said and that was not what happened. I said I did not give you a choice. I just did it - broke it off. I told him I was hurt and that I did not want to be hurt further and so I was breaking it off. He told me what he said to her and it even disturbed me further because he said I gave him an ultimatum. And that he was a Dom and you do not give Dom's ultimatums. How can a person give an ultimatum when I didn't give him a choice?  He lied to me and I broke things off period. I didn't say..."you need to do x,y or z to keep me." That to me is an ultimatum.  Instead I said, "I am ending this, because it isn't the right relationship for me."

This week I was talking to Mistress DM and she said the same thing basically on a different matter. When I was telling her that I  really felt I needed things to keep going forward with Nick or I would probably need to move on and find someone more compatible. She said I was giving Nick an ultimatum. I never gave Nick an ultimatum in my opinion. This is what I asked him - "Where do do you see me fitting in your life and where do you think things are moving/going?"  After asking him those questions, he gave me a reply that gave me the security I was looking for so we are moving forward.

What I do not understand is both the man I was involved in and Mistress DM saying the same thing about an ultimatum. I just am very confused on how  those things are ultimatums.  I asked questions. I didn't say you need to do this in order to keep me - that is an ultimatum to me.

This is another view/example: You have a submissive she has emotionally and mentally needs that she is aware of in herself that she needs met in her relationships. She is responsible for herself in any type of relationship so in order to keep herself in a safe place she needs to have those types of conversations when those needs are not being met. I had that type of conversation with the dominant described at the beginning of this post and with Nick right now.

To me saying I need x,y and z isn't an ultimatum.  It is informing the person you are with where things are - feelings, emotions, even physically. Such as I might be sick and Nick is wanting me to doing some self bondage that might make it hard to run to the toilet and throw up.  To me I need to tell him that I am sick and be transparent. So either Nick can chose to make do the task and risk me getting sicker or he can postpone it. I think this goes to emotional needs. Submissives are human and we have emotional needs too. If I am not getting them met, then I might leave.  I am not saying - meet these needs or I am leaving. I am saying, hey I have these needs - now it is in your hands.  The man that I was involved with lost me, because he lied. I didn't give him an ultimate or a choice. I left knowing he wasn't the right person for me. Other Dominants in the past who I realized weren't meeting my needs, meant to me we weren't compatible so I have ended things with them. 

I don't think that meeting your submissive needs makes you less a dominant. I don't think her expressing her needs for those things is giving an ultimatum.  It is a choice for both people in the relationship. It might be something the submissive feels she can't live without and if the dominant isn't fulfilling that then she can leave to find a more compatible partner. If the dominant, doesn't want to fulfill those needs, he can release her or he can give her those things if it doesn't bother him. It is a choice about doing what you want to have a fulfilling relationship. 

Maybe I am just not seeing something to not get those are ultimatums. It is a relationship - D/s or vanilla it still is a relationship and a relationship takes 2 working together.  I am fully capable of submitting and bending to another's will.  But doesn't mean my needs just fade away.  I still have needs. I am human.

Edit: 6/13/09 - adding this after reading it so I know what I was talking about when I read this back 10 years from now....The man I am talking about at the beginning of this entry that lied to me is P - no one else will get that, but I want to be able to remember as it took me several minutes to remember who I was exactly talking about. Anyway, I broke it off because he lied. No waffling or giving him a choice. I just ended it because I caught him in a lie.

Thursday, December 06, 2001


Started Wednesday:

I have a cold :(

Work has been slower this week then it was last. I am glad but it is still not slowed down enough for me to make heads or tails off my list of things to do lol

I have got to be online a little more lately then I had been. I was online Tuesday evening and up on my screen appears a message from Sir Nick. The first time I had heard from him in 15 days so I was pretty excited.

I started to get a little bummed because our conversation was not going how "I" wanted. LOL oh yeah I am the submissive right? *giggle* But he was being himself and making me be a better person. And he kept on that track forcing me to ask the questions he knew I wanted to ask but was scared to. 3 years ago if I had a fear or question or insecurity I would not have voiced it. I would have let it go and go until something gave and I just blew up or collapsed in on myself. So I got the nerve to ask him some hard questions. And he reassured me and took away some of the insecurities I had.

Some are still there but not as many.

Thursday 11:45pm....

Nick and I talked about God, praying and some of my beliefs, which I have a problem putting into words. Anyway that is something I want to write about in the morning.

He and I chatted about several things I hope to write about tomorrow. He gave me an assignment, which was due this Thursday morning. I did it and then was suppose to write a report about it and instead of doing it last night like I thought I should....I waited until this morning. Well, I woke up late and then had to get to work. was late. SM being the Dom he is when I told him said something like...."Your time is your Master's and he should be a priority." Nick is not my Master. He and I have had that talk several times where we both believe that meeting real life and having that Dom/sub bond grow in person will build us to a relationship where he is my Master. But mindset is pretty much even now that my time is his. When I work, I work doing my best because I need to be the best person I can in all I do for Him. And if I had managed my time better then I would have had it done on time. So I was pretty hard on myself today. I wrote an apologized and then did the assignment as soon as I could when I got home from doing work things. But I was late. :(

I have more to write on this subject at a later date. But I can't right now as it just does not feel right.

I need to get to bed...

I will write more tomorrow I hope!


Wednesday, December 05, 2001

Dec. 5th's horoscope

This is Tuesday Dec. 5th's horoscope.....thought it was interesting.....

Astronet Horoscopes

You must be doing something right when others are ready to accept you as you are. Take a quick inventory of your skills and strengths for a better idea of what's working. Don't let analysis interfere with your fun

Saturday, December 01, 2001

5 Questions

1. First thing you think when you wake up? things I need to do that day, then after I wake up a little then I think about things that I am grateful for...i try to do 3 things every morning.
2. Favorite color? do not have just one...purple and black and hunter green....pretty much jewel tones.
3. How many rings before you answer the phone?
Work try to on second ring. Home I do not answer my home phone...screen calls so friends and family need to talk on machine before I will answer. Cell phone - depends on who's calling. not that I really do this but I loved how a friend answered this question "Some people need to be made to wait."
4. Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate most definitly :)
5. Do you like to drive fast? yes I do. Do I? no not usually.



Music: This morning ~ Practical Magic Soundtrack/This afternoon ~ Holiday Sounds

I came home last night did a quick check of mail and went to bed. I am so tired. I feel like I have been going and going and I just want to go to sleep now. My body and mind knew it was time to crash. I am still very tired and relaxed a little today but also working on work.

Lets see if I can recap this week....

Tuesday came home from Kansas to start straight into work. Also had a little time to chat to Di and Ray online. That is the last time I chatted online this week and it is Saturday :( I tried to type up some journal entries from while I was away and I got too busy. I have like 10 things I want to do....need to write Lisa still. I know she was going through a stressful time and I wanted to know how things are going. And then I *still* have not wrote Laz back not sure that I can. I appreciate very much he wrote. It just took me back that he did. I have not been able to touch base with JJ in a while because I am so busy. And I can't even tell you when the last time Moni and I got together. To long that is for sure...probably September. Work has taken over my life. I have so many friends that keep writing me and asking me how things are and such and I just have been working so much that I am not getting to do the things to keep up with people and I am not liking that at all. I am very grateful for all my friends that are patient and supportive of me. You are the greatest.

On thanksgiving we went around the table and said things we were thankful for and I said my friends and family. Several of my friends are family to me. People I can call at 2am when something bad happened and say I need help and they would be there for me. I told Todd once when were discussing where I stood with him....that I did not need more friends. That what I was looking for was a relationship and so I did not need another friend. I told him later I would be his friend if that were all he wanted but that what I was seeking was a long-term relationship. He mentioned to me several times in arguments and discussions that I had enough friends and he mentioned it to Di a few times to that I had said that. I feel it irritated him because he really does not know how to be a friend. I mean I can see why he does not have friends if he treats his friends like he treated me.

Things need to write about pausing because all these things keep going through my mind...week, Thursday, not hearing from Nick in 2 weeks, Nov/Dec, Jackie, being in Kansas, art and I am sure there are other topics.

Wednesday worked from 7:30am to 2am. Thursday worked from 7am to 2am. Friday worked from 8am to midnight. I had someone write me who reads my journal regularly but that I do not know personally. He asked me how I could go out if I am working the long hours. That is hard to explain but not at the same time. I have a job where I can be out with friends and still be working, if it is not too busy. If it is busy there is no way I can do that. Once things are set in place for the day though then I can go out. I am still working and busy but that cuts some of my work out. So like on Wednesday night I went out with some friends for drinks and appetizers and just hung out and talked but I still worked that whole time. It is easier to go out with friends that know about my work and are in the industry. I went out with friends that were in the industry on Wednesday and then on Friday had lunch with another friend in the industry. So it is nice it is flexible but still at times hard to schedule fun in to my day. Usually it is last moment like it was on Wednesday it just kind of happened that I was in the area when these 2 friends called me and asked if I wanted to join them.

Thursday - Was a day from hell. I can't explain it any more. I mean from the time I got up one thing after another went wrong. Most of them business related. It was a good workday overall but just came up to one hurtle after another and had to figure out what to do to get over it most of the time just jumped and did our best. I know Thursday and this week has not been great for Di and I feel bad for not being there for her more. And I think Thursday Lisa had some things going on that made me think of her often. It has been raining here most of the week to and that just makes me feel even worse. Mara and another friend of mine though helped me out so much by running an errand for me that made them go downtown which I know Mara hates driving downtown. I really appreciated all their help though!

Friday - had a work meeting. Work was slow today and I was actually thankful. But I still had lots to do and then had lunch with a friend. We did not have as long as lunch as the last time we got together for our monthly bitch session lol But we also did not have as much time. I then had to run to Fairlawn for work. Kam went with me. He was surprised how much closer Fairlawn is to us then like going to Mayfield area. The shopping in the Fairlawn area is great. I wanted to go shopping but we just went for a late dinner and then came home I checked mail and went to bed.

Saturday - woke up at 5am and just started writing this blogger and then started checking mail - personal and work.

Just started writing more...again at 5pm.

I wrote Sir Nick on Tuesday night. I have not heard from him. And that is making me sad as well as worrying me. I know right now must be busy for him with is work. But I have not had an email from him - just saying he is okay or what not - but I believe he is reading my blogger. So that bothers me that he has time to read my blogger but not time to drop me an email to say I read your email and I will respond in a week or call you in a few days or what not. Because if you have time to read then you have time to send a one line email. Bitchy of me? I just am getting very frustrated. Kam told me once I would not make a good military wife and I always wonder if he is right. I hate not being in contact with my partner. I am an attention slut. :) It will be 2 weeks on Monday since I have talked to him on the phone. And even without the contact I still wish to be his just as much as I did after a month of talking to him. I still think he is just as great as I did then. I still feel the same I did as before when I do talk to him...none of the feeling have gone away over the distance and absence of contact. They have probably become more deeply rooted. I still want to go forward. I just need more contact then we are having and it is time for me to be with him in person. I need that.

Going to post this blogger for now and hit those other topics later. I need to do some work.


Wednesday, November 28, 2001

hard to be a good judge of someone that you worship

Well it is Wednesday...well I guess Thursday now. I got up about 7:30am on Wednesday and I have been pretty much going until just now. And I could have been out dancing until late tonight, but with all the work I have going on I am not sure I would be able to function to do it tomorrow if I went out. I had fun with friends tonight. I should have been home working on the website instead. Oh well, it was a fun night and I really did need it.

Yesterday, I was in airports and on planes and then last night came home to have to work right away. I am thankful though Kam really helped out a lot last night. We had friends over but I pretty much hung out online as they chatted. Not as rude as it sounds. They came over to see Kam. It was just a bonus they got to see me lol

I wrote Sir Nick another hard email last night....after chatting with Di and Ray online about the things I had been thinking about. Ray and I had a good talk. We chatted about humiliation and weight issues and Sir Nick. He said to me last night..."you create very clear roles with people... you like to keep people well defined" -- I told him that I wanted Nick to be all roles and I meant that. My typing was horrible last night and Ray said something about it and I said I was not happy and tired.

While I was away, I had offline messages and emails from different guys who like me and want me as their submissive or to date me. And I know LOTS was going on with Nick and work so I understand but it still does not make it hurt less...that I do not get emails or messages from him. I open up my email box and wish that I would have just even a one-line email saying I am thinking of you...or I miss you.

Something’s Ray said to me:
"hard to be a good judge of someone that you worship"

It is true but I also trust that Nick is who he says he is without a doubt and I have had people wonder and ask me and doubt but I can't tell you how but I know for certain he is real and is who he says he is...he is all the qualities he has described and that I have found out on my own by getting to know him online and the phone. I do worship him already. I do that with the ONE. I worshipped Kam when first here. I worshipped Todd.

"you're a rollercoaster when it comes to this guy"

I am not sure I agree with that one. I feel very calm with Nick. I mean Ray was not around when I was with Todd LOL Then he would know what a rollercoaster is like with me lol

"you need to see him... you need to look into his eyes. I don't think that is too much to ask."

I agree.

I miss Sir Nick a lot and it is time.....for things to go forward.


Tuesday, November 27, 2001


Libra Sun Sign Central

Libra is symbolized by the Scales. You're romantic but particular, diplomatic but indecisive, but ultimately happiest when you're in love. You don't really like to be alone, period. You abhor conflict, and have a highly developed sense of objectivity and conflict resolution.Symbol: the Scales

Ruling Planet: Venus
Ruling House: Seventh House
Element: Air
Quality: Cardinal
Body Parts: kidneys
Date with destiny: Gemini, Aquarius
Run for the hills: Cancer, Capricorn
Where you glow: mediating
What makes you tick: charm
Fitness forecast: rowing
Play date: flying first class to Paris
Perfect jobs: beautician, personal shopper
Best accessory: a bottle of water
A sure thing: flirting
Destination: Fiji
Pleasure: cooperation, fair play, conversation
Pain: disharmony, solitude, decision-making
What's my line? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Libra Beauty Profile

Libras, you certainly know how to please, don't you? You know that the world wants beauty, and you always deliver. Feminine but strong, charming but never coy, you have a knack for looking fabulous with a minimum of effort. Perhaps it's the inherently captivating quality of this Cardinal Air Sign, or maybe it's the way you yearn for harmony at all costs. Maybe it's the Libran need for companionship that influences you to always look your best. Whatever IT is, it imbues you with a healthful glow, a strong and luminous life force that allows you to step out without making yourself up.

Libras seem blessed somehow -- you were likely an adorable baby, a delightful child, a homecoming queen and now a goddess possessed of a decidedly ethereal yet human beauty. It has to be the skin. Since you move through life with the purpose of balance and harmony, the lack of stress shows in your supple and ageless skin. You look lovely in greens and pinks, and you bathe in warm, floral scents.

You make it look effortless, but you just keep your secrets well. Right? Your beauty comes from your movie star poise, your grace and your subtly persuasive nature. You're at your most beautiful, though, when you're in love.

Libra and Romance

Libra, as befits the sign of the Scales, reveres balance and harmony above all. If this can be achieved with a partner, even better, for Libra rules the House of Partnerships and revels in things that come in twos. The Scales are sociable and shine in social situations, where their gift of communication is an attraction to many. Librans also want to be liked, even loved, by those who cross their path, and it can be very hard to resist the Scales when they are at their most charming and magnetic selves. It's not unusual for Librans to possess an easy grace and sense of style and move languidly throughout a room. Behind that pretty facade is a smart, often smoldering soul who knows how to get what they want, and would love nothing more than to do so fairly and justly. When the Scales find the partner they've been searching for, it could be a match made in hot heaven.

What Libra Needs

The partner who can encourage Libra to be honest, open, trusting and free is on the right track. The Scales crave someone who can give them feedback and support, and affirm that they are a treasure to behold. Wooing them with gifts can be the right stimulant. Some long talks, along with a lesson in give-and-take, can also work wonders. Anyone who can bring Libra to an open state, who can get them to think less and feel more, will be rewarded with a grateful and passionate lover.

The Libra lover is a harmonious soul who adores love, beauty and the romance dance. Anyone who can take this pleasure principle and make it seductively mental is bound to be at the top of their list. Blissfully partnered Libras exude a sex appeal which is off the charts!

Libra and Sex
Sex is often mental for Air signs, and Libra is no exception. These great communicators are possessed of a strong intellect, and these mental fireworks often manifest themselves in the thorough exploration of a lover. Only the brave need apply! Since the Scales like to be in balance, though, they are often thinking of what both partners want. A marked distaste for confrontation can sometimes be perceived as disinterest on Libra's part, but it's more often just a deep-down desire to please. Libras love seduction and foreplay, and plenty of talk leading to some hot action. If this is all achieved in the right luxurious setting, watch out! Libras swathed in riches are a pleasure to behold. Libra loves the thought of a gifted and attractive partner, since they feel their partner is receiving just that. It's safe to say that a little erotica goes a long way with the Scales, since these folks can be oh-so-playful with their toys.

Libra: Karmic Life Lessons

Ruled by lovely Venus, Libra is all about sweetness and romance, art and beauty, balance and charm. As the Sign of the Scales, one of Libra's great concerns is justice and equality, but this Sign may be even more concerned with partnerships. Friendships and romance feed Libra's soul; a social butterfly (and always a delightful host), Libra hardly ever finds itself without a lover. Those born under its influence truly prefer togetherness to being alone and tend to feel distinctly uncomfortable when single. They even have a hard time when they simply find themselves on their own for an evening without companionship. This marks Libra's greatest Karmic task: To stop looking to others to fill the perceived empty parts of the soul. Librans truly believe they're better off with others' constant support and companionship, and in many ways they're right: Team efforts can often get much more done than an individual, and an evening out with friends can be more fun than spending it home alone. It's the driving need for support and reassurance behind the urge for companionship, however, that is Libra's puzzle to solve.

Librans simply haven't learned -- or don't trust -- that their souls are complete as is. They don't need to rely on others for support; they have themselves. However, they often don't realize this and instead commit lots of energy to seeking and securing others' approval. The trouble is, seeking approval can actually be considered a procrastination device. It can certainly inhibit progress if the approval sought isn't found. As a Cardinal Sign, Libra has lots of energy to start new projects and get things going, but its commitment not to proceed until everyone is working together smoothly is unrealistic and may be the very thing that stops the project completely. Libra needs to realize that not everyone can, will or even should get along all the time; when dissenting opinions make tempers flare, Libra would do well to push ahead, even if that has to happen alone.

Differences of opinion and arguments can be very difficult for diplomatic Libra to handle. When disagreements occur, Librans tend to react in several different ways: They might become indecisive, refusing to take a stand as that would be akin to taking sides. Alternatively, some Librans will use their natural charisma to try to charm others into "good behavior." This is fine -- to a point. Sometimes Librans take their yen for harmony so far they're willing to lie or manipulate just to keep things running smoothly. In the end, of course, this kind of behavior rarely pays off; in fact, it may only further upset that balance that Libra is trying so hard to find. But why place so much important on balance in the first place? It's impossible to make everyone happy and one could use up a lot of energy trying, and all in vain.

Libra must learn that keeping everyone happy isn't the most important thing in life. Furthermore, others' approval is fickle and not to be counted on; Libra would do well to realize that when getting too caught up in wanting to be liked by all. Libra can learn from Aries's brash approach to life about placing less importance on outside opinion. Libra can look to emotional Cancer to learn how to confront feelings, even when they're frightening or uncomfortable. And Capricorn can teach Libra the importance and success of hard work done solo, carried over the long-term.

Plane Ride

I am back from being out of town! I am writing up journal entries I did on the plane and on my holiday......hopefully post them tonight. Tired and wired all at once...


Wednesday, November 21, 2001

Prep for Travel

Music: on random playing songs from Nelly Furtado, Enrique Igeleias Escape and older CD

I can't believe how busy work has been. If things keep going this well, we will be having a very nice Christmas :) I cleaned house, did laundry, almost done packing some last moment things, did website stuff, worked getting things ready for when I was gone. I am going to be seeing my family. Which actually does not cause me stress like it seems to other people . I have not seen my sisters in I am not even sure how long so it will be good to see them. I need to write my one sister because my dad will most likely be on her computer and she is not "out" to them about being a lesbian so if he were to happen onto sites or cookie for emails it could be a not so fun weekend. I am going to be seeing Jim's parents while there also. And I am looking forward to that. I have not seen them since last year when I was in Topeka for Mistress DM's birthday so that was over a year ago.

It seems after I talk to Nick on the phone that I crave to talk to him even more. If I do not hear from him in a few days I get antsy and if I do it is another kind of antsy feeling. He is going to his family's for Thanksgiving and I am sure his mom is excited to have him there. :) He and I will be on planes at the same time.

Well, I suppose I should finish packing.

I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!

peace and serenity,


Music: Jennifer Lopez

I am censoring myself about a few things....

My feelings for Nick.... I am scared and I get more scared each day that goes past that we do not firm up our plans to meet. I get to feeling so at odds with things. We had these wonderful conversations hours on end and now I talk to him about once a week. It gets hard. And not sure how to say that other than it gets hard. Everyday I have people message me and ask how things are with Nick....and everyday I say “fine...just hard being away from him.” And everyday people ask me when I am going to see him and everyday I say the same thing. “He is busy with work and so we have not set that up yet.” I now have of course people telling me he is not real. And I know without a doubt he is real. That is something I can say for sure.

He is so real to me. That is something that feels so good and right. He helps me even right now - though we have limited contact he helps me get through life to have a goal to get to basically. But it gets harder to do this when I have limited contact and we do not know each other real life. He owns me already but of course there are parts he cannot without contact. He says something and I do it.

He shows me he cares in things he says....guy things. *smile* Like yesterday, when I was telling him something about Todd. He expressed his dislike in Todd because Todd hurt me. He has done that too when I told him about Don. Well, Don I think Nick would like to hurt...very badly. The tone in his voice is very much…..I care about you and do not like what these people have done to you. A couple weeks ago I had wrote him a letter expressing fear of him not wanting me basically and he stopped that…... he had me put on the brakes and turn around back towards him. His comments on things...about our life.....references to "when you are here...." - talking about him as Master and other little things. So I know he wants me there.

If we were spending more time talking and such like we did before, I wonder if I would be so insecure. If we had been talking like we did at first...I would have wanted to be there sooner I believe.

Other things censoring myself on....

A little bit on Todd. It is funny. Something happened recently and it showed me that my feelings for him are almost gone. I mean I care as I always do about people I love. But that need and to be his and a part of his life is gone...the strings he was able to pull in me have been cut.....he could never get me with my mind and take me away from Nick. Which I was thrilled about lol Because as much as Di and I have talked about “what if” he came back...what would I do, I always said I would be friends but nothing ever more but in the back of my mind I wondered if I would be able to resist him. Now I know I could. :)

I took him off all my buddy lists a long time ago when Nick suggested it….but I did not on one yahoo because I was not on that yahoo name at that time much and then one on aol (because I forgot he was on that list). Anyway I was signing on the one on aol the other night and noticed the name he "supposedly" created for me was signed online. It was funny seeing it on the screen...if felt right in that moment like a lie. Kam would always say “if he created that name for you why is he signed on it when you are not online.” I always wondered that but never asked because the other questions I had with Todd were far bigger lol

Censoring about Ray....

He is a good man and I have talked to him about lots of things but I am still guarded and that drives him insane. I am going to still censor about him. Because I just do not know what to write. He will love that....because I told him that last night on another topic we were having and I could not find the words for what he wanted me to talk about.

I am drained. I am working LOTS. I went to bed at 3am last night. I woke up at 8am. I do not get enough sleep. So that is draining me, but what is draining me even more is the lack of contact with Nick. And Ray is feeling some of those feelings associated with that. I feel lost a lot of the time. I mean I am going forward with my life. I do the things I want and need to daily but that part of me that is Nick's (which is a pretty big part) feels like I am doing this alone right now. Lucky Ray gets to put up with me being like this LOL

It has been nice to kind of use him as a sounding board...I do the "what if you were my Master"....type do not take that the wrong way yet lol Last night I had a conversation with someone that did not approve of my profession. And the conversation upset me a lot and I can hear everyone a long with what Kam and Ray both said...ignore him you can't change his mind. Anyway, the conversation upset me and so I said if you were my Master would you want to know about it. He said yes anything that hurt you I would want to know about. He said you are wondering if you should send it to Nick. I said yes. :) I am glad he lets me do that with him.

Wonderful PMS....Last nights conversation with Ray ended me up in tears. He does not like that I am being so guarded with him. And he ultimately knows why...he and I can walk a dangerous line. He was the FIRST to pull out things in me that I had kept locked away. And maybe because of that he wants to crack the code of danae and know *all* of me. There is a part that is in me that no one sees. Not even Mistress DM. There is a part I do not let open to anyone. I can't just let go completely. And I want that more then anything but I will not let it go until I am sure. I am sure I am safe. I was starting to open it up and let it out with Todd and I got burned badly. So, not going to do it again.

The guy that did not approve of my profession of course then had to say that Nick did not really care for me because if he did I would not be doing what I was...uggghh Society's view is so different then how it really this industry. I can't believe how much my self esteem and confidence has went up. I am soooo much more independent now. And I feel it makes me a better submissive as now I am able to give from strength instead of weakness. My job and just being with Kam has helped me grow as a person so that I give from strength.

That just brought to mind part of a conversation with Nick yesterday. I can't even remember what it was about but remember the feelings I had during it. He said something and the tone was basically one of those do you hear what I am saying. I said yes Sir. It came out so much....not sure the word....a part of me. Not fight no urge to fight. We had a playful conversation. I can joke with him and such but he lets me know where the line is at with him....he shows me my place.

I get these intense feeling about him and thoughts of him and I as Master/slave. They well up inside me and feel as though they are going to just burst out. I feel at times I can't contain them. I have written before that I tend to put my Owner in a god-like category. They are up on this pedestal. I feel that with Nick and I feel that with other people too such as Mistress DM. They are above me. And not like I am less then but yes it is....thinking of how I put it once. We are not equal....but that does not devalue me. I am important...they are just above me. I get that feeling with Nick often. He says I am good for his ego lol

Uggghhh it is 10am so my phone is starting to ring off the hook. So I need to go and take care of my business. I want to write more on those feelings above. So maybe later today or when I get back from Kansas.


Tuesday, November 20, 2001


THE EROTIC PARTNER OF THE LIBRA (people in my life behind their sign in italics)

When two skillful lovers such as Libra and Libra have a rendezvous, few desires remain unfulfilled. Their love play becomes a delight. (Sir Rob)

The Scorpio does not necessarily give the Libra quivers of rapture. Too much passion can frighten the Libra.

With a Sagittarius, this problem does not arise. Open and idealistic in bed, too, Sagittarius can become excited about Libra's love skills. (first crush/love)

Capricorn and Libra are not the optimal erotic combination. Both may have to get used to the love practices of the other. Well, nothing is impossible! (Kam and Jackie)

Libras devote their erotic interest to Aquarius gladly and spontaneously. This results in happy hours for them both. (Morgan)

Due to all the dreaming, the Pisces may not get to the erotic part and the Libra may lose interest. (Sir Nick)

Aries people are not exactly balm for the Libra love nature. If Arians can reign in their temperament, it may work. Otherwise not. (Jim)

A Taurus meets the Libran expectations of a "cultured" love life better than the Aries, even if their erotic desires are at times divergent.

The Gemini is almost a guarantor of heavenly love nights. No wonder, because in bed, too, this devil is skilled and artful. (Brian not sure I ever have talked about of my love interest in high school)

Cancer and Libra could have certain difficulties in harmonizing sexually. Great fulfillment is questionable.

Leos, on the other hand, need only let their heart speak - and Libras will show them the true art of love. Dreamlike prospects. (Todd)

The reserved Virgos probably block the Libra's seduction skills. All the Virgos would have to do is get out of their way. (Mistress DM & Honey)

Color Quiz

I took the are the results:

Your Existing Situation
Active, but feels that insufficient progress or reward is being made for the effort exerted

Your Stress Sources
The existing situation is disagreeable. Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the rank and file. Her control of her sensual instincts restricts her ability to give herself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and allow herself to merge with another. This disturbs her. as such instincts are regarded as weaknesses to be overcome; she feels that only by continued self-restraint can she hope to maintain her attitude of individual superiority. Wants to be loved or admired for herself alone; needs attention, recognition, and the esteem of others.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Willing to become emotionally involved, but demanding and particular in her choice of a partner and in her relations with those close to her. Needs reassurance and is careful to avoid open conflict since this might reduce her prospects of realizing her hopes. Circumstances are forcing her to compromise, to restrain her demands and hopes, and to forgo for the time being some of the things she wants.

Your Desired Objective
Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feeling into which she can blend. Responsive to anything esthetic and tasteful.

Your Actual Problem
Wants to be valued and respected, and seeks this from a close and peaceful association of mutual esteem.

Your Actual Problem #2
Needs to achieve a stable and peaceful condition, enabling her to free herself of the worry that she may be prevented from achieving all the things she wants.




"As you give, so it shall be given to you. If you give with judgment, limitation and stinginess, that is what you will create in your life. If you radiate love and compassion, you do receive it."
— Gary Zukav

I believe in that so much. You create your own reality basically. If you lie to yourself then your life will be full of lies. If you lie to others, things will not happen in your life. Karma...:)

Also found this quote......"Creation has three layers: the labor, the craft and the elevation. She who works with only her hands is the laborer; she who works with her hands and her head is a craftswoman; she who works with her hands, her head and her heart is an artist." — Sarah Ban Breathnach

I think artist do work with hands, head and heart. You put everything into a work of art.


all over the place

Written Monday 11/19...

Sir Nick....
I have not heard from him in a week tomorrow. So of course I get a little worried when that happens. But patience is a lesson I am learning LOL I wrote a REALLY long email the other night after I got off the phone with Ray. It was a good email just rambling thoughts and feelings.

I think about how he affects me right now and we do not have as much contact as we did and it amazes me. I wonder how it will be in person.....when I touch him and look into his eyes and kneel before him giving him all.

Work today was busy and that surprises me for 2 reasons it is a Monday and it is slow on Monday's and because it is a holiday week and it usually is slow the week of a holiday.

Horoscope for today:
Your emotional baggage weights the odds against you. That was then, this is now, and a new story is already in progress. Increase your effectiveness by determining what your new role will be.

Tuesday....writing right now:)

I just talked to my wonderful Sir :) He and I had been missing each other online today, so he called me. We chatted for a long time before I asked about the assignment. I actually forgot because I was just excited to be hearing his voice that I forgot to ask lol. So when I did, he said he had been waiting for me to. He enjoyed the assignment and was pleasantly surprised it was so long. It was so nice just to talk him. To hear his voice.

At the moment my mind is kind of spinning with thoughts of him. And I feel so much....fear, gratitude, respect, caring, passion, desire, and so much more.

I told him something that was kind of stupid that I did recently and he handled it very well...and no lecture. Probably because of the out come. The out come of what I did was a positive…turning around that stupid thing. It showed me where my feeling really were...and they were in a very good place...they were gone. And that is important in this situation.

I am leaving to go my sister's for Thanksgiving on Thursday morning. And am going to be gone until Tuesday. It will be good to see my family. My parents and other sister will be there. I am doing wash and going to start packing tonight. Not like when I packed for Germany. I was packing the morning I left. lol

Wow I can't believe how much is going through my mind that I am censoring right now. That bothers me and going to try to figure out how to get through that.

I care for Nick and want so much for things to work out but I also go through my normal insecurities still of doubts and I know that is so much because of past relationships. And that is not good. I am not sure how to resolve some of those things. Because when I talk to him on the phone all I want is to just talk and laugh and have the good times I always seem to have with him.

Maybe it is just because I am pmsing -- that my emotions are all over the place.

I want to write more but going to publish and try to just write without thinking lol....


Friday, November 16, 2001


Well it is a little after midnight and I just got home. I have been running around all day with work, errands, and just going out with friends. I probably pushed a little to hard today and will need to take it easy tomorrow.

I am very tired and need to write Sir Nick my good night email:)

Questions...I am going to answer some questions each week....some serious...some not......

This week's questions....

1. What book are you reading now? The Forgetting Room
2. What's on your mousepad? My mousepad is leather of course:)
3. Favorite sound? Children laughing, His voice, and of course throwing in something for the kink side.....crack of a whip, thud of a flogger, click of a lock, clinking of chains :) just a few things :)
4. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Yes I do....all of them have had meaning. Ivan when I first came to Cleveland....given to me by my ex husband and has special meaning. Then Ellington...Jackie gave me Ellington. And now Oliver...Kam gave me Oliver for my Birthday.
5. Storms: cool or scary? scary

More comments...The book I am reading now....the forgetting room was given to me by Todd the first day I met him. I also have Illusions by Richard Bach started and bought The Alchemists by Paulo Coehlo last week.

Favorite Sound...I put children laughing because tonight I heard children laughing. Not just a little laugh that giggle. And it made me smile. His voice of course I should see my face when he calls. The last time he called I was just so happy to hear his voice I burst into tears lol He always handles that so well, the tears. I let them go with him even more easily then I did with Todd. I remember once with Todd. Weird that sprang to mind right now. We had disagreement after disagreement the day before. I remember I am sure scaring Kam to no end....we got in the car. I did not have my cell with me and I called Todd to say can we meet. And as soon as I hung up I started crying so hard...sobbing uncontrollably and Kam asked what Todd did to me and I said nothing at that time...and said that I was screwing up and felt as though I was going to lose the best thing in my life. The next night Todd and I got together. And he had told me we would spend the night together but after we talked he said he had to leave. And I was so in little girl mode and I was saying no and kicking my legs on the bed saying no do not leave me and he kissed me on the head and walked out. Well, from where the door was at in relationship to the bed...I could not see the door. I just heard it slam. I heard it slam and it was like my world shattered. I sobbed. I cried and cried and cried. And finally I was really cold and needed a tissue so got up and turned around to go back to bed...and Todd was sitting on the couch right inside the door. He sat there and listened to me cry like that and did not comfort me. One of my big things...that has happened in the past is men in my life not being able to handle any crying. Jim would walk out of the room and pretend I wasn't. (which is making me think of a time I went into shock with Jim and he was annoyed ugghh men) And someone else in my life who was important also walked out when I cried lots. Anyway it hurt a lot to know that he had been sitting there listening and did not come comfort me. When I later told my close friends about it, none of us could figure out why he did that. *shrugs*

Storms are scary to me because of my past when I was little girl. And it gets better over the years.

Sitting here thinking about something that I am not going to write about *smiles* But it is weird how things happen right after I share with someone that it is going to.

BTW I never mentioned this on Tuesday or Wednesday. I had been very worried about something Di was going through and it worked out. :) Still some hard time ahead but she deserves to be happy.


fevers make you do strange things

Music: very softly playing…..Tara MacLean ~ Passenger

I have been sick all day today. I am up at the moment to see if I can eat some toast so that I can take some migraine medicine, as it is coming on strong. I have the sliding glass door open since I am burning up. Not good....I know. But at least I stopped throwing lol

I have so much to do today also and that sucks.

I did the assignment Sir Nick assigned and got it done by the deadline and also 8 pages more then he told me to do. It is RARE occasion when I get a direct order. Most of the time it is Sir Nick steering me in the direction he wants me to go or knows I should go. I am not sure if he liked what I wrote yet or not. I have not heard from him. Not a huge surprise...*sigh* one of my lessens in patience.....which being sick today has taken away my patience.

I just want to be in his arms and safe and go to sleep. And sleep for a long time. I mean it is 4:20am and I am up and sick…what is wrong with this picture? lol

Moni and I have not had quality time lately and I am really starting to feel it. I miss her LOTS! I actually was thinking of a girl’s night out at my place so that they can all go through my stuff. But the night was thinking is being taken by a Christmas Party for work industry people. And those parties are always fun :) I am crossing my fingers it is not the same night as one of the BDSM organizations Christmas Party. Not sure if we will go to that though. As I have mentioned here before. BDSM community and I are different. Strangely enough there are a lot of quiet extreme people out there they are just nervous to be speaking up and say so. I know several people in both organizations that want relationships like I do but do not say it outloud.

I was looking at airfares to Kansas tonight because I noticed on an ad that they said $125. I found one I like... not too long of flight for $129 and so no debating whether to go there or not again. I had decided no but with that good of rate not sure I should pass that up especially since my sister won't be coming home for Christmas. And then I would be able to see Jim's parents. Yes, I am friends with them. Not with him anymore but his parents. It would be cool if they could get my dog while I am there but I will not press that issue because I do not want to cause them stress. It was pretty stressful last time.

I mentioned a friend I had lost touch was....back in my life...his name in the blogger will be Ray. Well, he and I had a conversation tonight that kind of shocked more ways then one. It was not bad though. He was in a sullen mood tonight...maybe not the word. He is he words things...and says things to me. Strangely I trust him because of what he has done to me in the past. He is being very patient right now. I know he would like to talk about certain things and I just do not want to go there yet lol He is a fun and nice man. I am glad we are chatting again. It is good to have a friend I can talk to about men in my life -- past and present. And of course he gave me the suggestion that he be the one to pick a Master for me lol I said how would you do that and his ways would be pretty good lol But I am already Sir Nick's.

It is so odd to me at times that I have never met Sir Nick and I feel like his in so many ways. I hope that it comes together this nicely in real life. It is getting harder to be without contact because I want to do little things to fight or not even sure the word for the other thing....

The other day I told Sir Nick that my computer was locking up so that if I got booted I would be right back. Well, I told him that because my fear was that he would be gone when I got back if I got booted, because it is a rare occasion when I get to talk to him so I did not want to miss out. My computer then started acting okay and I told him. He said reboot as soon as I told him that. And my fear was that he would be gone when I got back. I wanted SOO badly to just shut aol down and yahoo and then restart it. But I couldn't. I couldn't do it because he told me to reboot and if I did not do what he said it would be wrong. I was a little panicked he would not be there...but he was. I rebooted. But that I thought about not rebooting disturbed me GREATLY. Because I have never had thoughts like that with him.

My horoscope for Thursday Nov 15th....

You give until it hurts, but your threshold is much lower than usual. Libra may feel insecure about the next meal or paycheck. The Scorpio Moon shows you the limits -- how you enforce them is your business.

"Masochism is the externalization of an internal struggle for control." Someone posted that on a list I am on....I am still thinking about it.

Thinking of Thursday’s events….fevers make you do strange things lol....

Going back to bed....


Wednesday, November 14, 2001

makes me feel alive

Music: Enrique Iglesias ~ Escape, Janet Jackie ~ All of you

I react to people. I am not sure...but it is at a reflection for people. I think the more I get to know a person though that stops and I don’t understand why it does that.

I am changing and growing because of Sir Nick's strength and confidence. He is reflecting those on me..and feels like it makes me stronger. I am not sure that I am more confident but that is because I think he is being confident for me. When I was with Todd, inside he was a person who did not know what he wanted. He pretended to be things he wasn't and was not honest with himself and because of that I felt lost...and I started lying to myself because I would not "see" that he was an illusion and let go. It was like I felt as if I was falling....but caught on to something....gripping on and trying to claw my way back. My hands and arms are being cut but if I would only let go the ledge would be there. I did not see that with him. I did not see if I let go of him I would have been safe.

I noticed I do that with people lots though. Not sure it is a good thing or bad. I guess both.

I stopped writing this about 1:30pm today. When Sir Nick signed on and we chatted for a while. It is now later and I have talked to Sir Nick one more time. I shared a dream I had about him. He said he needed to write that one down. He then did something he has not done in a long time...he gave me an assignment. He even put a deadline on it.

I am kind of surprised and not sure why......

Song playing right now.....Love To See You Cry by Enrique Iglesias

the lyrics...interesting:)

Come on
Maybe I just wanna touch you
Feel you warm in side again
Maybe I just wanna hurt you
The sweetest pleasure is pain

I don’t know why – why
But I love to see you cry
I don’t know why -- why
It just makes me feel alive

Are you coming… to the moment
When you know your heart can break
I’m inside you. I’m around you
I just want to hear you cry again

I don’t know why – why
But I love to see you cry
I don’t know why -- why
It just makes me feel alive
I don’t know why – why
But I love to see you cry
I don’t know why -- why
It just makes me feel alive

You don’t know how much it hurts
when you fall asleep in my arms,
and if this dies before the morning comes
I want to runaway
I want to runaway

I don’t know why
I don’t know why
I don’t know why
I don’t know why

I don’t know why – why
But I love to see you cry
I don’t know why -- why
It just makes me feel alive
I don’t know why – why
But I love to see you cry
I don’t know why -- why
It just makes me feel alive

I am not scared of crying in front of Sir Nick because it will mean means I have let him in more. I hope it makes him feel tears. Strange huh?


Tuesday, November 13, 2001

After midnight

Turn Off The Light ~ Nelly Furtado

It’s getting so lonely inside this bed
Don’t know if I should lick my wounds or say 'woe is me' instead
And there’s an aching inside my head
It’s telling me you're better off alone

After midnight
Morning will come
And the day will see
If you will get some

They say that girl ya know she act too tough tough tough
Well it’s 'til I turn off the light, turn off the light
They say that girl you know she act so rough rough rough
Well it’s 'til I turn off the light, turn off the light
And I say follow me follow me follow me down down down down
'Til you see all my dreams
Not everything in this magical world is quite what it seems

I looked above the other day
Cuz I think I’m good and ready for a change
I live my life by the moon (by the moon)
If it’s high play it low, if it’s harvest go slow and if it’s full, then go

But after midnight
Morning will come
And the day will see, yeah
If you’re gonna get some


I’m searching for things that I just cannot see
Why don’t you don’t you don’t you come and be with me
I pretend to be cool with me, want to believe
That I can do it on my own without my heart on my sleeve

I’m running, I’m running, catch up with me life
Where is the love that I’m looking to find
It’s all in me, can’t you see
Why can't you, why can’t you see it’s all in me

Where is your logic (turn off the light, turn off the light)
Who do you need (turn off the light, turn off the light)

And I say follow me follow me follow me down down down
'Til you see all my dreams
Not everything in this magical world is quite what it seems

Follow me follow me down down down down
I do not need I do not need nobody (turn off the light, turn off the light)

Follow me follow me follow me down down down
'Til you see all my dreams
Follow me follow me follow me down down down
'Til you see all my dreams

Where is your logic
Who do you need
Where can you turn

Scared of you

Music: Nelly Furtado ~ Whoa Nelly

I chatted with Sir Nick online today. It was interrupted a few times so it was not a smooth line of conversation where I could ask him the million questions I have rolling around in my head.

I am having lots of self-image problems right now. I hear people in my head that I should not be hearing. Because they slow me down. I have several people attracted to me....want to date or own me. And yet I feel unattractive.

Probably why I crave feel that contact....because it is an acceptance to me.

I just wrote a long rambling letter to Sir Nick. I write him every night. It is usually within 40 mins of going to bed. I have went without writing before only to wake up in the middle of the night remember and sometimes I have tried to just go back to bed as I knew Sir Nick would not mind. He would rather have me get some sleep. But it is impossible I have to get up and write him lol I rambled on and on about "Sir" and Todd. Some things with self-image with them.

I had dreams of her last night....I had dreams of my body over hers looking into her eyes. Touching her face...moving the soft curls from her face. Seeing her nervousness and kissing her gently. I do not understand why I am dreaming of her so much. Dreaming of Jackie. :(

Last year at this time though was when I really gave her my heart completely. I remember talking to Honey about my love for Honey and she looked at me kind of shocked....because she thought I was talking about Jackie and then realized I was talking about her. She said you should read your words in your journal about Jackie you were in love with her. I said no I love her but not in love. But I believe I was in love with her.

Ugggh not sure what to do with those feelings.....thoughts about her.

I have real player open...and have it on one of it screens that called the nebula. I am just staring into it as Nelly Furtado is playing. Song playing right now called Scared of you.

I think it is time for bed lol

good night...

peace & serenity,

artist dips his brush

"Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures." ~ Henry Ward Beecher

SM and submission - the same?

Music: Michelle Branch ~ Spirit Room

Written by Jack Rinella - "A recent question illustrates my point. “I seriously believe that I am a potential slave, and I seriously believe that I am not a masochist. I've enjoyed mild SM, and can envision pushing my limits (how far???) in the context of a committed relationship, but am I being naive to see myself as a slave if I am not a masochist, Sir?”

This reader assumes that submission and masochism go hand in hand when in fact they are two completely separate concepts. There are lots of masochists who are in no way submissive and I’m sure there are plenty of subs who don’t enjoy pain for its own sake. Unfortunately our use of language doesn’t at all make that clear.

This abuse of vocabulary is probably one of the most difficult of problems our community suffers. The fact that we have so obstructed our communications make negotiations much more difficult.

The problem isn’t limited to words. I’ve noticed, for instance, how many people have decided that they are free to where a slave collar just because they want to. Ok, saying this make me sound like a hard-ass son of bitch, but I believe that collars indicate a present and real relationship and that to wear one when that relationship is not present is to communicate a meaning that is not true.

It is no different than stealing someone’s club badge and wearing it so that people think you are a member of that club. Just because you think it ’s hot or stylish or makes you look good doesn’t justify the false communication. There are other ways to clearly signal one’s aspirations without creating a false impression.

I make a strong distinction between protocols and values. Protocols are a way of expressing values but they are not values in and of themselves. It is here that we can best understand the “Old Guard.”

What made the Old Guard special was not any one set of protocols, as protocols vary greatly according to personal taste, geography, and history. Values, on the other hand, were and should be much more pervasive and commonly accepted.

Whereas there are many ways to show respect, and how one does show may be highly individualized, what is important is not the method but the fact that it is shown. I guess this is my big beef. What makes our community strong are the values that we share. Those values transcend gender, relationship, fetish, and orientation.

Honesty is honesty, just as trustworthiness, self-respect, courtesy, patience, individuality, care, and deference are what they are. To teach newbies our techniques and our rituals without passing on to them our values does nothing to preserve or enhance our lifestyle or our scene.

To use language indiscriminately communicates nothing, since the transfer of meaning is at the heart of good communication. If the meaning is lost, or worse if the meaning is purposely distorted, then the heart of our community is injured, if only in a single individual. Over time, the slide into sloppy language and too casual signaling will reduce our community to Babel and we, like those of ancient days, will disperse in confusion."

This is from his weekly column. Jack Rinella is a Gay Leatherman writes articles, which I relate too. Some of his stuff I don't but then there are some that I have saved and will never let go of. The free weekly column of serious leather sex information and advice. To subscribe go to

This one I agree with because it has bothered me for a while.....I have gone to local fetish parties and it seems that so many wear a collar just to wear it. It is like a piece of jewelry to them. And hey it is their right but it also make me feel annoyed because I know the feeling of earning the right to wear a collar. To be owned. To serve and please my Master. And I guess I feel it "lessens" the meaning of it. Not to me. But when you are owned and collared there is a pride of wearing that collar and serving your Master. And because Joe Blow thinks it looks good with his outfit and wears it I think lessens the meaning to those looking in. So now the next question is what does it matter if what anyone thinks as long as you know it.

Well, I think it diminishes the views for anyone new coming into the scene and those looking in from the outside. They see Joe Blow wearing it and might assume he owned and collared when he is not. Maybe they see a slave who is owned but Joe Blow was not owned so they hit on that makes confusion in our community. That confusion creates a lack of respect in a way.

Craving to touch…

I am feeling sexual, but not. I am feeling sexual but not feeling satiated. But the thing that I feel I need to satiate me I can’t have at this time. I do not really even want pain. My skin feels very sensitive it almost hurts to touch. I think because it aches for touch…human contact….but more then that.

I want to feel skin next to my skin…..I want to have my fingers trail over his arms, back…all of him. I want to touch. I want that intimate touch. I want to look into his eyes and I want to feel his breath against my skin as his body presses against mine. I do not want just sex. I want something deeper.

I need to touch HIM....I miss HIM.

Part of me feels like I am missing too.....


Monday, November 12, 2001

the fight is sometimes necessary

Music: Garbage ~ Beautiful

A friend I have had probably for about 2 years...I lost touch with and we just started chatting again. Anyway, he said before he had to sign off tonight that he wanted to chat with me sometime about my submission. He said, "I don't think that you serve to your fullest by just giving up total control... not making choices all that shit like a fucking robot... a true slave is creating strives to do whatever it takes to please anticipates"

When he and I played online and the phone, knowing that is all it would be, he would humiliate me. I know that I have said before BDSM is the kinky stuff - the stuff that turns on a Top and bottom on. And humiliation is part of that. I also believe humiliation can be done in D/s as part of breaking the submissive down - strip them of will and pride.

D/s to me is the emotional spiritual bond between a Dominant and submissive. It is the serving and pleasing. It is the power exchange.

Sir Nick has not given me orders. He compels me to submit. It is amazing how it works. It annoys me at times too that I just submit so easily with him. We will be having a conversation and he will ask me to explain something that maybe embarrasses me and he doe snot say you must tell me he just sits there and says does that fly with me. Or says nothing at all. And I submit. I also so many times just give him the information before we have to go through that silence. I can't believe how much that happens actually and that is submitting to me and he is not giving me a single order. He just compels me to submit. I know he wants me to be accurate in what I say. He wants me to be specific and so I do not make him wait for explanations (not that much still have a little hesitation at times).

I do things in my life because I know it will make him happy. I know that he like that I am working on certain things because it will make me a better person which in turn will make me a better slave to my Master.

With this friend when he and I played online/phone. He had to take it from me. I would not *admit* or *submit* without a fight. Because of the guilt - or then feeling responsible. If I admitted the things he wanted to me right away without a fight then I was that thing. And I could not admit that I was what he said. And one simple reason....he is someone I know online and will never meet real life. I will not submit like that - easily without seeing eyes. And I will probably fight but it will be different....I need aftercare especially if I were to do just give it up easily.

Also the fight is sometimes necessary to get my walls broken down. Sir Nick on the other hand seems to take a piece of the wall while I am not even aware of it lol And then when he points it out he shows me how *I* did it. That maybe he helped or guided or was there to support me but that I was the one that did it really.

Pretty amazing...

No wonder I want to submit to him....

Probably more I want to write on this subject but tired. I think I am getting Di's cold.

I am saying a prayer for Di tonight..sending her positive thoughts tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to be a hard day for her.

Good night...

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