Thursday, March 29, 2001


I have not blogged for a very long time........

Mostly because I did not want anyone to hurt over things I say. And that bothers me partly as this is for me. I was for a while journaling - in a hand written journal...since I was not blogging. But then that stopped also. Even though there is LOTS of things I can and should be writing about.

Today I am writing because 1) I need too 2) the things I am talking about are pretty generic and not pointing back to someone - they are but are not.

This summer I stayed with a couple and one thing I learned while there was that I have intimacy issues.

I am not sure why I do exactly...I suppose it is just that I do not want to be rejected or hurt. Because intimacy to me opens a person up. It is like the bones inside me are really who I am but no one can see that and then when I am intimate with someone - it is like i am standing in front of an x-ray machine and they see EVERYTHING. They see all the flaws - all my past - all my good and all my bad.

I am having problems with intimacy right now. And I really am not liking it lol It might be due to other things going on in my life. I just feel insecure on some things. And I really am not liking that feeling at all. I think the insecurities might be leaking into the intimacy problems I am having and making me scare more then I should be.

I just looked up the definition of intimacy just to see what it said...the definition of intimacy sucks. It says "something of a personal or private nature." It MORE then that. I mean that sounds like it could be the definition of secret.

Intimacy is so much more...then that. It is that bond or connection that flows when people who mean something to each other interact. When I look at Honey I see and feel things that I do not with others. And to express physically, emotionally and mentally - that to me is intimacy. The look, the touch, the kiss...not sexual..intimate. I have felt intimacy during sex but it more during other times that I feel it.

I hate that something I crave and want and NEED so badly is so hard for me. Why do I freeze and panic with the thought of being intimate. Must i struggle with everything in my life? Struggle to submit. Struggle with relationships. Struggle with work. Struggle with intimacy. I am really pissed off with myself right now...and maybe I am just needing to be beat.

I have not been in almost a month now and sooooo I am sure it does effect me. But that should not stop me from opening up and exposing myself to someone I love and should not stop me from being intimate. I am not sure what else I want to say....I feel like lots is bubbling on the edges but not sure I can let it out. Hard to start again when I have not for a while.

soooo I am going to end this entry for now.....

maybe pick it up later...

Wednesday, March 21, 2001

Mistress DM was playing U2 when I visited her in September and asked me if I had ever listened to the lyrics of With or Without You. And since U2 is my favorite group...I of course answered yes. Well, I was *listening* to U2 this past weekend and I *heard* the lyrics. *smiles*

"With or Without You" by U2

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Slight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait....without you

With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live with or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body's bruised
She's got me with nothing left to win
And nothing left to lose

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live with or without you

Tuesday, March 20, 2001

From Jack Rinella's column this week.....

"Too many newcomers think that this is all great sex, great looks, and great fun. It is sometimes some of that but it is more as well. The more
contains a world of real experiences so that “this” also includes lousysex, ugly people, and spoiled evenings. Masters have the same fears as slaves; gays the same concerns as hets; men and women are more alike than not. The more also contains integrity, honesty, and commitment.

Leather isn’t about Mr. Benson rescuing Jamie from a band of Middle Eastern slave traders because the model who was kidnapped with him set off a homing device that was hidden in his rectum by sitting on a twelve inch dildo. Rather it’s about learning and growing and seeking and finding. It is surprises and disappointments as much as it is erotic passion and boring nights with nothing to do but watch the same old porn.

So you want to know more about Leather? Learn more about being human. Want to know what makes a Master/slave relationship work? Learn what makes any relationship work. Want a better sex partner? Be a better sex partner. Want a friend, be a friend. You get the idea. In many ways you can learn just as much about Leather relationships by reading “Dear Abby” or Dale Carnegie.

Yes, Leather offers intense sexual experiences, incredible bonding, a culture that is unusually accepting and often exciting. It is mysterious,
enlightening, exciting, and arousing. It is all of those things, and more, though, because it is built on a foundation of human relationships. Take
the human heart out of our scene and you have nothing left.

Oh that might be a bit of an exaggeration but the truth is that we are all looking for love, even if it is sometimes in the wrong places."

Wednesday, March 14, 2001

I suppose I should blog…

Not sure what to say. Lots has went on but not lots that I can really write about it. Even though I probably could use it. A good journaling over it all. I am emotional but it is different then it would have been 3 months ago. I feel very in control even though I am emotional.

Right now as I write I feel very bratty/bitchy…

I feel very out of my place.

We always described it with Jackie as she was out of her box. Because with submission you get boundaries. I think good boundaries…at least for me.

Anways so I guess I am out of my box today…tonight.

Tomorrow Honey has off and we are going to go do some touristy I think…lol

The other night we went shopping and I got some mary janes, a pair of 5 inch silver heels and red heels. I am excited to wear them lol There is a pair of boots I looked at that I think I want to go back and get also lol

My sleep schedule has been totally screwed up since being here. Since right now it is 8pm Ohio time and it is 2am Germany time and I am up. And tomorrow I am going to be out doing things.

Right now…I wish lots of things that I cannot have…..

So good night…


Monday, March 12, 2001


Let it be known....that if you want multiple partners but you do not want your partner to have others then you are NOT poly.

i am poly....

it is who i am....


Friday, March 09, 2001


Well so far I am sleeping lots since in Germany. Which I do not think is a bad thing considering I have not been sleeping hardly at all.....since I have been working so much. So sleep is good lol I got my luggage last night soooo i am now clothed so all those out there who had said cool only wearing a smile.....can now picture me with clothing.

Things here have been hard as i knew they would be with all honey is going through. I am just trying to be here for when she needs me. I have not a long time to chat with her anything yet. I know things are hard on her and GZ also.....but not sure what i can do to help except be here if either of them needs me.

Tonight we went to some of their friends for dinner. It was nice. She said they were freaks just like us...but they were kind of tame compared to the freaks i hang out with in Ohio lol But they might have been tame as not scare me off...since this was my first night in meeting them all lol

I got a chance to chat with Daddy,Sir and Di yesterday so that was nice. I needed that. I am hoping that I can chat with Sir & Daddy again tonight. I am just not sure I am going to make it as I am getting tired. It is midnight here. I know Sir will not be on til 1am here. So hanging on until then might be challenge.

I think tomorrow we are going swimming with the angel boy - Honey's son. :) He is a trip. He is so cute. He is REALLY good too!

Today I read email, unpacked, slept, read, slept, and listened to Matchbox 20. I am really hooked on Matchbox 20 right now......I have been listening to it constantly. Read some more. Slept and then got up and got ready for Honey to come home - and we all go to her friends house. So that has been my huge day.

Well I am probably going to go to bed soon.....I hear GZ up he probably wants on his computer....

The Four Agreements -- Introduction

Just the introduction of this book is interesting....

he is dreaming and he says he is made of light and he is made of stars.....

he then says, "Everything is made of light and the space in-between isn't empty."

Everything is in existence is one living being......

"Everything in existence is a manifestation of the one living being we call God. Everything is God."

"....human perception is merely light perceiving light....."

"...matter is a mirror -- everything is a mirror that reflects light and creates images of that light -- and the world of illusion, the Dream is just like smoke which doesn't allow us to see what we really are...."

"the real us is pure love, pure light"

some things to ponder huh?


Thursday, March 08, 2001

In Europe!

I arrived in Europe on March 7th 11am (Germany time). is how it went.....

Okay Daddy and I got to the airport to check me in and they said that priceline was suppose to mail me the ticket and I of course did not have the ticket. They called priceline and showed that it was fed ex'd and someone from my leasing office signed for it. but we had not ever got notice that it was there.

So with an hour before my flight Daddy ran home to pick it up and got back 10 mins before my flight for Toronto took off. They looked like I was insane when I said that I wanted the 3pm instead of the 5pm lol

Okay then get to Toronto with 15 mins before my Frankfurt flight was suppose to take off. And I missed it. Of course by 2 mins. Sooooo I had to wait for the 9pm flight to Frankfurt. Daddy had to call and wake Honey to give her the new info. Wellllll because I was suppose to be on the 5:30 flight to luggage was suppose to be on that too. But it did not get on it because I did not but I ddi not know that sooo my luggage sat in Toronto even while I got Frankfurt. So I got Frankfurt with no luggage and it came in Thursday morning (Germany time).

I had to fill out lost luggage things before I could go meet Pam.....when I came out of the doors her and GZ were there waiting for me. :) She had a rose and was a beautiful as I remember. even more. :)

I love her and even though I was really out of it felt very good to be with her again very natural.....

So today I am here without clothing lol well in a shirt of GZ's I think. And waiting on my clothing and things.....

I started reading the Four Agreements on the Plane. WOW...just the first part - the introduction really was interesting.

I am going to write about that later tonight.


Tuesday, March 06, 2001

Leaving on a jet plane....or at least i think that is how the song goes lol

I am getting ready to leave…..

Of course I did not really start packing til this morning. Smart of me huh? lol

And right now my suitcase is full already and I know I am going to have to start pulling things out lol

I got a call from GZ this morning; Honey was on the other phone line talking with him while waiting at the airport. I feel so bad. The ticket info I sent her said I leave from Cleveland March 6th. And then on my stuff it said arrives in Frankfurt March 7th. So she was at the airport this morning in Frankfurt and I was in bed. I woke up thinking hmmm that sounds like GZ’s voice. It scared me… I ran to the phone in the dark and was not even listening to what he was saying just that heard his voice. He acted shocked when I answered and I could not figure out why….now I know why. I feel bad because I wasted Honey’s morning. : (

I am really on edge.

The weather is bad and I am little nervous about flying there in this weather. I am nervous about being on a plane that long. I am nervous about how things will go when I am there. I am sad about leaving Daddy, Sir and Di. I am worried about Di right now. There are things that are going on with Sir and I that are unsaid….and I am scared of what will happen. Daddy has lots going on and I just try not to even think of that….I do know I will be Daddy’s little girl forever. That we will love each other forever…I feel secure in that. I just have all these things racing through my brain.

I am glad I am going just nervous….which is part of me anyway. I always get like this before a trip. I want to go and do not want too all at the same time.

I miss Honey and love her and want to see her since I have not in such a long time and that is what makes me want to go…..

I will journal while in Germany I hope…think.


Monday, March 05, 2001

Busy Weekend....

Well this should be in interesting blogger lol….

Friday I had to do work and had a work meeting. It was interesting to say the least lol Saw M on friday night also, but not for very long and in kind of a formal setting so not able to just chat with him. Friday morning Mistress DM called and we had a discussion on why the ER episode might have bothered me and I think some of it…..of course….was right on her part. So I need to talk to Honey when I get there about the things that have been racing around inside me.

Then Saturday, Daddy and I ran around getting stuff for my trip. I still have some things to get tomorrow. We bought a new suitcase and a portable CD player for me and ugggh a swimsuit lol We then had lunch at Schlotzsky’s with a friend. Mmmmmm I love their sandwiches…I used to work there when I was in college so ages and ages ago.

Saturday night…..

I am not sure even where to begin or what to say…

It was really hard on me… know that was the last night I will have with Sir before leaving for 2 months. I was hoping it would be very special and it was but it was also interesting – not sure that is the word I mean. People like to try to disrupt lives. We though cannot control their actions only how *we * react to them.

It was interesting…..he got there before I did and waited in the parking lot. I got out of my car and my cell rang as I was walking to the room. It was him. He told me to turn around and look across the parking lots….and there he was it was very romantic to see him there. I am not sure I can explain why but it was. Then he explained that we needed to talk.

He had called me earlier and the phone call sounded off – he did not sound like himself and I got this ache inside like something bad was about to happen. I tried to shrug it off. And then he tells me we need to talk and I got that same feeling. He told me the topic – we were going to discuss and then I understood why I had that bad feeling.

I was so in my mind set – deeper then I had been in a long time. And as soon as he told me what had happened…I snapped out of it. I told him that I was out and he was like yes I know. He probably wanted to say DUH lol But then after we talked some he took me by the hair and kissed me and then told me what to do and he had that tone and look that sent me right into that place again. Not as deep as it was but it was a good start : )

But then we started to session and that is when I let the person that tried to create some havoc in my life into my head. Everything hurt when Sir did it – and not in that good way. I was trying to endure it and move from my negative place to the place that I love with him…and I just could not and of course he noticed. He stopped to talk to me. We talked a long time. In that talk because of the hurt…I was kind of sitting in that hurt….I tried to scare Sir away so that it would be easier to leave. But it did not work. It was really hard on both of us and I am going to miss him more then I can express.

We end up talking and talking and then started back into play. It was hard and on the edge of a place that he knows I want to go. I was in masochistic mode and I craved the pain and wanted him to keep going. He let a part of himself out that he doesn’t let out. I was glad he let it out and felt he could have let it out all the way.

I am not sure if I have bruises from last night but I should have because we played hard after I got things out of my head and he was the only thing there. Just how it should be.

He is incredible. I am very grateful for all the conversation we had that led to the night that I submitted to him.

During the summer I tried to submit to someone and it was a struggle to do it. It felt like each and every little step was a decision. A battle within myself. And with Sir it doesn’t feel that way. I turn around and go wow…look at all I have given and submitted too. He has not taken control really but yet he has in subtle ways that mean a lot but when others look they probably would not see that there was a Power Exchange going on. When we are alone the power exchange to me is very obvious. I feel the energy swirl around us.

Sunday – I got up, came home to pick Daddy up and then he and I met Mz Natasha and Di for brunch. We then came home and Honey called : ) I am very excited to be thinking I will be seeing her in about 48 hours. I was hoping to get online today to chat with Mistress DM but it did not happen : ( I talked to Sir a few times on the phone today. He had something going on that I felt was very important and wanted to be there for but I needed to spend time with Daddy. Then Daddy and I did business discussions tonight. Before I leave for Germany lots of things need to be in order. The final episode of Le Femme Nikita was on tonight so Daddy and I watched that. We then talked after that and even though I know he was not totally thrilled with the conversation I liked that we talked. It feels like we have not lots this week because I have been so busy. And then we had GREAT sex! : ) Daddy had been with me almost 3 years and just knows all the right places to touch and how to touch mmmmmmm On the 10th of March Daddy and I will have been together 3 years.

So now it is 2:30 am and I have laundry going, a book open in front of me trying to get my daily dose of growing and learning life, 3 lists in front of me jotting down things as my mind races around, writing my journal, and I have my webpublisher open trying to work on a website….nothing like multi tasking at 2:30 in the morning…lol

I just want to tell Daddy, Sir, Di and all my other friends here I am going to miss you…

But I will be back and we will not have lost anything…..only gained from our experiences.

Friday, March 02, 2001

Feeling kind of lost today.....

Last night I had something happen that is still hanging with me.

I was watching ER and it was pretty good. One of the story lines was where Carrie Weaver and the Psych Doc are involved and the Psych Doctor, Legaspi had seen a young woman that was confused about her sexuality and so the Doctor told the girl she was a lesbian. Well, it ended up that the girl pressed charges for sexual harassment. The whole thing is that Carrie is denying basically being involved with her. Carrie was having problems being “out.” I watched the show all the way through and it got to the last scene and Legaspi is crying. She is hurt by the fact that Carrie is “embarrassed” that she is involved with her…another woman. This scene played out and I started to cry. And more tears came and then more. I was balling soon. Daddy comforted me right away. I just could not believe how I heard all Carrie said and things from my past came flying up front. I heard myself saying those words to Morgan. Seeing her tears.

Anyway…. it is still really upfront in my mind and I am trying to figure out after all this time why did it come up. Why did a TV show effect me so much? If I am so happy also wy did it effect me so much? Why does it even matter what was done then….it is over and there is nothing I can do change what I said to Morgan…did to Morgan.

So that is where my mind is today. Very lost today.

Thursday, March 01, 2001

Happiness....We create our own Happiness

Each day is a new experience of life and I wonder how I have made it this far in my life without having these feelings. It is not like it was an earth shattering day of fireworks and good things one after another. It was just an ordinary day that makes me feel splendid.

I was feeling happy before Sir came into my life. I was thinking about this, the other day. I just made conscious choice to be happy. I decided one morning that I was not going to let others effect my happiness. I was not going to take things personally. I knew the only person to make me happy was me. I realized and took to heart that I cannot control others actions but I can control my actions, reactions and life. And that I was going too do that…control my life.

And from that day on…things have not effected me nearly like they did. I don’t let negativity effect me like I did. If something or someone tries to bring me down, I make a conscious choice to react differently.

Tuesday night Sir and I went to dinner. It was very nice to see him and be with him again. We had good conversation and I just like seeing him…how he looks at me. Wednesday night Daddy came home and we played and he bound my breasts. : ) Dady and I had a long talk – of beliefs – philosophies. Today I went to lunch with Moni and G : ) As usual it was our 3 hour plus lunch. I then did some work and came home and trying to do some more work and also chatting with Sir online. One of those semi-serious conversation lol

I am really tired tonight. In a mood where my mind is racing with all sorts of thoughts. Tomorrow is the start of basically my busy time. And just counting down to be with my beautiful Honeyrose….
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