Thursday, February 28, 2013

Fetish Definition List

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys storeI discovered there was a label that worked for what I was feeling and who I was when I stumbled upon a bulletin board for submissives in 1995. I found myself nodding along to many things that I read.  After that I chatted with people, continued to read the bulletin boards as well as websites and  I also ordered books. One of the first books I ordered was Different Loving by by Gloria Brahme, William Brahme and Jon Jacobs.  Basically the book took fetishes and gave definitions for them as well as had interviews with people who did those fetishes. One thing they listed as a fetish was living the life 24/7.

I remember reading the interviews in the 24/7 section and knowing that is what I desired and wanted. My life until that point had a lot of D/s elements in it.  I served my husband in many way, all decisions I consulted with him before hand and he had the final say in it, we had kinky sex in the bedroom and outside the bedroom he often could compel me to do what he wished by just telling me what he desired. We didn't do punishment. We didn't have heavy SM. We had just some light bondage, breath play, pulling hair, use of household items used as spanking implements and then rough grabbing.  In the 24/7, the slaves were more controlled than I was with my husband. So the world of the 24/7 interviewees - intrigued me.  That definition and thoughts on it really helped me form my early beliefs, desires and what I wanted to explore.

Reading, talking and sharing ideas and thoughts with people helped me formulate and expand on the basis of my desires. At that time having Different Loving give explanations for fetishes that I had no idea existed let alone had a name - was really helpful. Now days there are quite a few websites out there that give definitions for all the different fetishes. There are also lots of places to discuss and share your thoughts and help you hash out what you want and desire. Instead of using household implements (which can be fun though too) as I did when first learning, you can  explore with fun fetish toys. Eden Fantasys has a community of people that share through reviews, articles and forums and can help someone new figure out what you want and desire.

There is a 3 part series on fetish definitions titled the Wild Kinky Alphabet that I think would be particularly helpful to those new to the BDSM world and exploring fetishes. These articles go through a very wide range of  fetishes and I am sure will be helpful in explaining all the different kind of play and will maybe spark some area of interest that you might be discussing with your partner soon.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Finding a Master

"How did you come about the realization that you wanted to be a slave/sub and how did you go about finding a Master?  How do you protect yourself from getting hurt while looking and meeting dominants?"

I didn't know there was a name for who I was until I was in late 20's.  At that time I was on AOL and they had bulletin board type forums. I stumbled upon one for submissives and found myself nodding along to it. After that, I went out and tried to find information on the lifestyle. I read and discussed the lifestyle every chance I could. Eventually I tired to introduce my then husband to it. Our life had a basis for it as he had a lot of control in our relationship - even though he would say he didn't. But our life was set up to kind of naturally fall into the D/s as we really were that way with each other already.  

After I left my husband, I did seek out being Owned, but I will tell you I wasn't as self-aware as I wished I had been so that I knew exactly what I wanted. Each relationship after of course helped me learn things I wanted and didn't want in a relationship. 

Master and I met through a mutual friend. She thought I would be perfect for him so told him to contact me.  We chatted online for a while before talking on the phone and then meeting. Before Master though I just had an ad on and chatted with some dominants. Most of them are out for one thing kinky sex. But usually that is apparent quickly so I could say goodbye.

I feel the best ways to find the person for you - is to not look. I have found over the years that when I wasn't looking that someone came to my attention that really captivated me. Master was that way as someone suggested he write me and when did I wasn't looking. Of course mingle, talk and chat with people, and go to munches and events, but don't actively look over all the personal ads out there. Just let it organically happen with someone you get along with and respect. 

On to the protection question....every time we pursue any type of relationship, intimate to friendship - we risk getting hurt. People who care about us will hurt us so you can't really protect yourself emotionally from getting hurt with attachments. 

Getting hurt physically...well let me pose this question a little would a person normally protect herself when meeting and looking for someone of like interest?  I tend to treat the lifestyle similarly to how I would normally do with just everyday life.  So if I were going to date a vanilla man that I met from the internet, I would meet for coffee first. I would make sure I went in with my feet on the ground and not get swept up in the feelings to let myself be talked into "more than coffee."  A safe call is a good is where you tell a friend times of when and where you are going to be and then call when you get there and call when you are leaving. I always set up safe calls when I was meeting someone new. I usually actually did the safe call the first few times I met them. 

Know though even meeting for several coffees and then maybe dinners won't ensure you won't be hurt physically. Just like a vanilla man can lie someone in a the lifestyle can do the same. They can seem wonderful and safe while sitting across from them talking, but behind closed doors things can change so just always use your common sense. Realize that sometimes we do have red flags going off, but we often ignore them. Try hard to sit down and rationally without emotion see those flags. 

Use your common sense and gut instinct. Know you are the best judge of what you seek.  Yes, of course get close friends opinions, but again know that you are the only one that knows what is best for you. Just don't fool yourself into thinking everything is great when really everything isn't so good at all. 

*This group of questions was one I got years and years ago in an email. While going through my old emails I decided that the answer could be a good blog. I do get the question how to find a Master quite a lot.  

Monday, February 25, 2013

Personal Responsibility

My good friend Jouet posted these links on FetLife and I think they are so important that I am passing them on. These aren't just for men or dominant men - this is for all adults. Personal responsibility and accountability is something we should all know and do, but sometimes it seems we can be denial and forget.

Personal Responsibility 101: Why Is It So Hard to Own Up to Our Mistakes?
Personal Responsibility 102: The Importance of Owning Up to Your Mistakes and How to Do It

Thursday, February 21, 2013

30 Days - Day 16

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

I am not sure I am getting the meaning of this question...maybe I am taking it mean something more then it does.  Because I really don't find anything difficult about being kinky or into BDSM.  

From M/s point of view, I guess the difficulties lie in the judgement against those who choose to do O/p or M/s.  Or the times when my brain goes into a flip-flop and I get panicked and don't think I can do this....I hate when I have those moments of - "wow I just wish I could just not do a,b, and c today because I don't want too."  I have been his 10 years and still I go through those moments.   It is just like some days you don't want to go to work, or go to see family on might enjoy your job and be passionate about it, but still doesn't mean you don't have off days.  You love your family, but still doesn't mean sometimes you just want to stay at home.  Slavery is sometimes like that for me - I am passionate about serving and being Owned by Master, but some mornings I wake up and go you know what I would love to not have to do a, b and c today. 

The previous 30 Days of Kink entries.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Be Yourself

"If I have to do something out of the ordinary for me, than we are not a match. I am going to be myself for the foreseeable future, so if that does not inspire submission now, it never will." ~ Flagg

Oh Flagg always had such wise words. I was going through quotes I have saved over the years and I came across so many good ones...such as this one from Flagg.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Downton Abbey

I have been drinking more tea this winter. Last winter, I might have had a cup or two a week. Now I have one almost everyday.  Even having a second cup sometimes. 

Either it is just because it has been so cold this winter or maybe watching so much of Downton Abbey is inspiring me to drink more tea.

It took about 3 episodes of the first season before getting Master hooked on Downton Abbey. We watched season 1 on Netflix and season 2 on Hulu.  Right now 3 is being shown on until March 3rd. But luckily for me, Master bought me Downton Abbey UK edition Season 3 on DVD so we had a season 3 marathon recently. I was thrilled to see moments I had been waiting for since season 1. But I was also shocked by some things and think Mr. Julian Fellowes writer/creator of Downton Abbey has a little Joss Whedon in him. Joss fans might understand when they watch all of season 3. 

Now I am waiting for season 4! And rewatching all seasons OVER and OVER. 

I love the opening credits where they measure the place settings. I remember seeing the first episode - and even now when I watch it I get this feeling of flutter in my stomach from the service. I love the attention to details and dynamics between the servants and their Master/employer. 

There is this little piece when Matthew in season 1 expresses to Robert that he doesn't need a valet. It is just a little moment where he goes on about how unfair that would be to Mosely, but then ends it with - "We all have parts to play Matthew and we must all be allowed to play them." I like that line.  We do all have parts to play in life. Finding that path to do what you desire can sometimes be hard. But the outcome is worth and luckily I have found my part to play it fits nicely with what Master desires. 

Just for fun.... Sesame Street does Downton Abbey

Sunday, February 03, 2013

Captain Jack Slips on a Condom

Condoms in adult sex movies is something that is always being considered as a law. Honestly I am not sure how I feel about it. I thought it was a law before this to tell you the truth.  I guess I should have known that it wasn't a law from the porn I watch.  I remember when I was escort - in the sex industry I remember this being talked about a lot.  It is something I think that is always kind of split in the porn industry - some don't want condoms and some do.  It was the same as an escort - some clients hated using condoms and some were fine using them. 

I like the idea of safe sex. But I also think the people having sex really should be the ones deciding on a personal level so does that move to the adult film industry too? Again...honestly not sure.  I think I lean more heavily towards safe sex.  I guess I kind of wonder if they worry about getting and STD.  I know I did as an escort and I played safe. But I still was nervous about it.

Anyway the reason I am writing about this is....I read a comment that made me laugh.... 

"Let's assume that we're filming an adult movie and it was taking place in the swashbuckler times. All of a sudden, Captain Jack slips on a condom. Obviously, that would basically destroy the movie, because it would be fake. Obviously, people would know that couldn't have happened then," Cambria said.

REALLY?  I mean REALLY?  Do we watch porn for reality? No, we watch because it is a fantasy and to feeds our fantasies. Is a pirate Captain Jack in porn trying to be like reality...really?  Sometimes I am amazed by the things people say. I totally get he is the attorney for the adult films so needing to come up with something to say in defense of not wearing them.  But not sure this comment helps his case. 

 The Colbert Report did a bit on it too.  It was funny. 

The statement that I have quoted above happens about the 3:30 mark, but the whole porn name thing is funny too. 

Friday, February 01, 2013

10 years

7 days after he collared me
We are celebrating 10 years together today. 10 years ago Master picked me up at the airport where we were hugging and kissing like high school kids. I flew into Denver so before we headed to his small town, we  stopped at a fetish store in the big city. When we got out of the car, he had me stand at  right there on the curb.  He reached in his pocket and took out a heavy hardware type chain and lock.  His fingers slipped it around my neck and locked it in place. No words were exchanged.  He lifted my chin to meet his eyes and the unspoken words claimed me as His property. There was no words asking me if I would be his slave. No words of asking for consent.  It was just a knowing of yes this is right for us and claiming me right there. 

I remember I did not touch at first because I knew if I did I would start crying and we were about to be going into a store. So of course I did not want tears in there. Later in the car Master told me to touch it and the tears started flowing in the realization of it - the meaning of it and that I was really owned by Him.  I had felt enslaved to him before that moment, but that moment made it real for me. No denying it.  

I am so thankful for 10 years of serving him and walking this path together. I adore serving him still 10 years later. It has been AMAZING! 
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