Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Life Update

Yesterday Master's parents headed home and although His parents are very nice....it was time for them to go. We all have a nice time even with a few moments of tensions (watching Fahrenheit 9/11 and Master's Dad trying to fix the dishwasher). But over all it was a good time. Drank, ate, played games, watched movies and just hung out together.

While Master's parents were here, Master and I had a few issues come up that we could not get into with the parents here so those got put off until today. It was an emotionally intense conversation and I am glad we talked and know we will be talking more. Tonight we ran an errand, went to dinner and then drove around to see some lights that were already up. We listened to XM's Christmas music stations while we drove around. It was nice.

Tomorrow Master is working from home. And I am going to get the tree and decorations out so we can put the tree up. I love Christmas and I love decorating for it. So I am really excited. I have been listening to Christmas music a lot already despite having most of my music packed away. I had some on my computer though and then there is a station on the satellite too. I started a list of holiday things I need to get done.

This weekend there is a parade. I am hoping we get out to go that, but also hoping it was warmer then it was tonight (left the house it was 14 and came home it was 5). I need to finish shopping for Master's birthday also since I did not have time before Thanksgiving. I hope to get that done Thursday and/or Friday.

It seems like this holiday season is going to go fast. I think that is because we will be heading to Master's parents early and then flying from their to my parents in Minnesota. We are hoping to get together with our good friends in Denver when we head over too.

Going to end this entry with a few links...

This is a link to a clip of Richard Simmons on Who's Line is it Anyway? It is very funny! I am really surprised Richard Simmon's doing and saying the things he is.....maybe I just have been out of touch with how out he is? And actually surprised the networks aired it too.

Blogging on a TV Show...The West Wing.

Twisted Chick....a political blog that I really enjoy.

And today I am thankful for the wonderful kiss Master gave me this afternoon. Thankful for the warm scarf girlie knitted me for Christmas last year. Thankful for flannel pj's and red wool socks (sounds really sexy huh?) because I am so cold.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Living in 2004

You know you're living in 2004 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.


Friday, November 26, 2004

Life Update

Well the house is quiet at the moment. Sipping some wassail.

Master's parent's said that today was the first time they have seen me out of the kitchen since they arrived on Wednesday.

I feel like I have been cooking and baking all week. I tried to spread it out so I would not be so stuck in the kitchen. Last Sunday I started with a Norwegian cookie/pastry. And then Monday Pumpkin bars. Then Tuesday, I didn't have time for any baking. Wednesday was my real baking day pie, bars, rolls and then had stew in teh crockpot in the morning for dinner that evening. I ended the evening with making up potstickers and crab ragoon to have as appetizers before dinner on Thursday. And the cooking and baking did not end there...

Thursday's Menu...

Breakfast....cinnamon rolls and mimosas

Appetizers...Crab Ragoon, Potstickers that went over very well....Master's parents had not had either and really liked both of them a lot. I also had a crockpot of wassail going all day. Another thing they had not had and enjoyed a lot.

Then for 3:30pm dinner...
Relish tray - 2 cheeses, Green and Black Olives, Veggies and Onion Dip
Then the Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, green bean casserole, cranberries, rolls and wine.

For Dessert...Pumpkin Pie and Pecan Pie Bars

That was more then enough food. It seemed we ate all day long.

Today I ended up being totally exhausted. I just could not wake up this morning. So, Master allowed me to take a nap. I ended up sleeping for several hours. I guess I needed it. Master is doing a project for His parents. And so they have been helping Him with it since they arrived on Wednesday.

There was a huge rockslide here that we found out about yesterday...that happened shortly after they got here. So we thankful they got across the mountain passes before that happened.

Master got up early and went to get Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 7 for me at Target. He then also went to Home Depot. He had me sleep in but the kitty cats woke me up. Tomorrow we are going to do some running around with Master's parents.

Well I feel like I am fading....just doing a life update. More this weekend sometime I am sure.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Tired....Life Update

Just a quickie...as it is late...

I have been busy preparing for Thanksgiving this week so not even online more than 20 minutes this week.

Monday was cleaning, then after work Master and I went to get haircuts (3 more inches off for me so now just at the shoulders), go get beer and also got some more wine (because we bought a couple bottles this past weekend at our favorite local winery). I pointed out a beer made in the town Master's went to school so He ended up getting that too. It was a lager. The wine is a mixture of my 2 favorites so it will be interesting to see how that tastes.

During our shopping trip for groceries Master also allowed me to get a frame for the Amy Brown print He gave me for my birthday and a new kitchen rug. The frame matches with the print so good. The print is called Firedance and has deep reds, oranges, sienna, burnt orange, and mustard yellow. There is border around the dancing fairy of mustard yellow mixed with orange. The frame almost looks like tiger eye. It is really swirling shades of brown from golden to deep chocolate brown. So they look very good together. The rug has a burgundy border and then really pretty fruit on it....all in the jewel tones.

Tuesday was more cleaning, laundry and baking. More stuff to charity. And Moni called me so I got a chance to talk to her. I had been thinking about her for about a week and meant to ask permission to call her. I miss her!

Today I baked some more and prepared stew for dinner tonight. We hung up some framed pictures of Master's photographs...they look fabulous! And then in the mid-afternoon Master's parents arrived. We had a nice evening. They helped me prepare appetizers for tomorrow. And then we had dinner,drank and played games. It was a nice evening.

They just left about 30 minutes ago. We are having cinnamon rolls and mimosas for breakfast. A relish tray, crab ragoon and potstickers during the day while we wait for Turkey dinner.

I am extremely tired so calling it a night.

I hope everyone has a very nice Thanksgiving! I hope you are able to spend it your loved ones.

Saturday, November 20, 2004


You are 89% Bisexual

How bisexual are you?

To go with the Bisexual quiz...

There was a question on a group the other day about being bi or not...

Bisexuality means sexual or romantic attraction directed towards some members of more than one sex.

I think someone can be bisexual and never "act" on it. I also believe someone can be with both sexes and not be bisexual.

I am bisexual. I am odd at times because when I was little I did not get that it wasn't accepted to be with the opposite sex or attracted to the opposite sex. I just thought it was not talked about like sex wasn't talked about. So I remember clearly being attracted to both men and women. But I did not say anything. As I got older approaching my teens, I still don't think I knew it was not accepted, but I tended to go for males. It was at a slumber party that I first explored with another female and that was during truth or dare. I had not told anyone about my desires up to that point. By the time I entered high school I realized it was not accepted to be attracted to both males and females.

My attraction to men has always been one of a power dynamic mixed with SM. I just did not know there was a name for what I was seeking with a man. I would always want to be with men that took charge....didn't always find them but I can look back and see that is what I was seeking.

But with women most of the time when it is vanilla type of attraction but of course on the rare occasion I do like to be topped by a female (DM and Jackie coming to mind).

I have been with some incredible women. It just didn't work for various reasons...I was owned (this was before Master). And then when I wasn't she was owned. Another one well was not truly bisexual. A couple were rebounds. Then others were just sex (which is fun, but sometimes a girl wants more).

Morgan though is the only one I have been with who it has been ideal combination of everything. She was tender. She knew when to take control. She was completely open and honest with me. She gave me so much of herself. It was so good...Oh how I love her...still. Darn period...crying. I miss her.

Well that did not end up where I thought it was going....just thought I would write about being bi. But I guess....it is appropriate that it ended up with her...

Have you ever read lyrics and thought that the music must sound one way...and then you hear it and it is totally different but works...works perfectly? That is how it was with us...I think people probably did not understand how it worked. But then saw us together and went wow.

The only problem was that by that time I grew up and the views of society were influencing me. And so I pushed because I could not accept that I was in a relationship with a woman.

Hindsight...I wish of course...now I could do it differently. I sometimes fantasies about where life might have taken us. I wonder if that lyrics and music would have been made into a symphony. Because when I think about it...without those fears of the past it feels like it would have been incredible.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

life update

A Quiz...
Dog Toy or Martial Aid

Missed 1 the first round and 2 the second

Horoscope for Thursday....
LIBRA (Sep 23?Oct 22): There is hard work in doing what you do and living your life in your own special way, even if it looks easy to others. Now, more than other times, your discipline and your work ethic can set the stage for the really big payoff. Don't think about cashing in your chips yet. Just keep that production line moving.

Bravo has become my favorite station. The Long Way Round with Ewan McGregor and his friend Charlie....is quite interesting. It is beautiful to see all the countries they are seeing...the landscape, people and hospitality. They have had some hard times but obviously some tremendously memorable times too. And they are also very amusing. Some of the things that happen to them...and the things they say are extremely humorous.

I enjoy watching The West Wing, Long Way Round, Inside the Actors Studio, Queer Eye, and Celebrity Poker - all of which are on Bravo!

One of Master's co-workers said I am nesting. Yep it is that time of year. I go through it a few times a year and with the holidays approaching it is one of those times.

I have been reorganizing the house. I am all ready for Christmas to come...Christmas decorations already to be pulled out of the closet. I have been in a decorating mode. Rearranging furniture, redoing curtains and such.

Master's living room had Scarlet O'hara curtains....several patterns (one being a big floral), lots of swoops, draping over draping, fringe. I didn't like them. So it was something that I requested be replaced and Master said yes. We found some we liked and Master bought one pair to test out. Master and I both really like them. The color is called Green Tea. They are a really pretty shade of green. Not pastel but also not too dark to make the room look closed in. They blend really well the hunter green carpet too. Yesterday Master surprised me with the rest of the sets we will need to finish with the draperies in the living room.

I found an old curtain topper that the pattern is not bad but it has ruffles (I am not big on ruffles). I am going to cut off the ruffles and maybe add some big wooden buttons I have in my craft stuff to it and use it in the spare room.

I am still reorganizing. Master's dining room is lined with cupboards. And so with the spare room in order now, I moved some art supplies and books I had in those cupboards to the spare room. I had unpacked a few crystal pieces and some more teapots (I collect them and have way to many - even got rid of some before I moved) while reorganizing the spare room so those got put in the cupboards. The cupboards have glass fronts so it puts them on display.

This weekend I want to get things finished up and also bake.

Well I need to send out pictures and a few other things online before we get to bed.

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience." -Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Daily Om - 10 Ways to Reduce Stress

10 Ways To Reduce Stress
Living A Stress Free Life

1. Often we are so accustomed to stress that we are unaware of the precise triggers. Keep a diary in which to record situations that cause frustration or anxiety. Note what occurred, how you felt, and how you reacted, and then contemplate ways to avoid similar situations.

2. Endlessly pondering what might have been is not only stressful but futile as well. Acknowledge and accept that your life is what it is only for the present and be willing to commit to a step by step plan of active change for the future.

3. Reach out. Too many people suffer through stress in solitude though they are surrounded by a network of loving support. Friends and family have the power to diffuse stress with a simple kind word, embrace, or receptive ear.

4. Your own habits may be triggering stress. Two cups of coffee each day can activate the flow of adrenaline, causing tension and anxiety. Sleep deprivation and long sedentary periods can lead to heightened sensitivity to frustration. Exercise and a healthy diet are natural stress reducers.

5. Taking care of or working for others can often feel as much a stressful burden as a joyful challenge. Making time to pursue solitary activities and nurturing your private goals will help you be more at ease both at home and at work.

6. Take in the sunlight. Increasing your exposure to natural light, even in the chill of winter, encourages your body to release uplifting endorphins. A few minutes outdoors will leave you feeling more centered and better prepared to deal with unpleasant situations.

7. A positive, realistic, and non-judgmental attitude can ward off stress. When you expect too much from yourself or others, it becomes easy to feel frustrated or disappointed. Recognize and accept limitations and set achievable goals for yourself and others.

8. Just as stress negatively effects the mind, it negatively effects the body as well. When anxiety becomes palpable, deep progressive relaxation, in which muscle groups are tensed and relaxed one at a time, can calm breathing, reduce physical tension, and ease palpitations.

9. Give in. Compromise and flexibility can keep small disagreements from becoming large, stressful situations. When conflict arises, remain calm and rational, and attempt to meet others halfway.

10. Fun has the unique ability to take the edge off of stressful days. When the world seems overwhelming, take a play break and work at a puzzle, toss a ball, doodle, or tell a joke. Laughter not only reduces negative emotions, but also clears the mind

Wednesday, November 17, 2004


I have been really tired this week....

And I don't know if that is what is going on or what. And even if that is it...it is not an excuse. In the (almost) 2 years I have been Master's, I have caught on to protocols quickly. At the beginning - when I was just learning them of course I would forget at times or not do things right, but not since.


Today two times I ate without getting His permission.

It was totally odd and disturbing.

I have a lot on my plate and my mind is going going going but usually even during stress I can maintain my focus on being Master's and following His protocols. So, I don't get why it happened now....but I know I will meditate tomorrow to help let out some of this stress that is happening and also gain more focus on being Master's slave. As I don't want it to happen again.

2 Questions

1) Anyone having problems with HaloScan not showing comments? Such as on my yahoo group vent there are 2 comments, but it shows 0 at the end of the entry. If you have had this problem do you know how to fix it?

Edit: a 3rd comment came in and now they show up. And that is how it seems to go several will comment. It shows 0 and then all of sudden someone will comment and all of them show.

2) When people sign up for a yahoo group via an email address and don't have a profile, how do they set up a profile associated with the email address? Does anyone know how to do that or know where I could find the info on how to do that?

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Venting....My Yahoogroup

I run an adult porn picture yahoo group. I have had it for 5 years. As the anniversary for the 5th year came up I was looking at how many people were set on no mail. Well on yahoo groups if you are on no mail, it means you don't get the daily pictures as they don't archive them like egroups and onelist (the two groups that came before yahoo groups).

I do a theme a week on the group. At the end of the week I put all the pictures into zip files and upload to the file section so people who don't have the email box space or time to be on individual can have a chance to look at them.

Okay here is where the vent comes into place...

My welcome message - that a person gets when they sign up - says that if you are set to anything other then individual emails you need to contact me or you will be unsubscribed.

Well, I have been not been enforcing it...so last week I sent out 3 notices to everyone on the list saying that if I did not hear from the people set who were not set on individual emails that they would be unsubscribed. I just really was curious how many were actually enjoying the list. As silly as it may sound it does take me some time to get the pictures ready and even just take time to send them each day so if people were not really even enjoying them....then I did not want to continue on with it.

So, I had some responses (majority from people who were safe as they were on individual). So early Saturday morning, as per the notices, I unsubscribed everyone who had not written me.

You will not believe how many people I have had writing me this week saying, "I got unsubscribed somehow." I want to say okay you read the unsubscribe notice, but you don't read the other 3 notices I sent out with, "IMPORTANT please read ASAP!"

Master and I were talking how in this day and age of spam that we think that people just see IMPORTANT and go yeah right and click delete. So that is what may have happened.

Okay...I have a plan the next time I need to send out a notice. Someone on the list, responded on the list saying they wanted to stay on the list, but were wondering if I would be sending out any bestiality pictures. Well, my group has been around for a while and with yahoo groups being really finicky and flaky on when they delete a group I have opted not to send any out. But offered that if anyone wanted a set of bestaility pictures to write me and I would get a zip file to them.

So, I had people read that (that had the same subject line IMPORTANT please read ASAP!) and tell me they wanted the zip and were set to no mail yet did not tell me if they wanted to continue with the group but said they wanted the zip. So they did not even read the original message, but saw the word bestaility in the text so read that message.

So because of that...I have decided the next important notice that goes out....will have the subject line of bestiality and then my important message just to get people's attention!

Now anyone that is from the yahoo group that is reading this....please know I appreciate everyone on the list. I am glad people enjoy the pictures...and that is really what this going through the membership list was all about...I just wanted to make sure people wanted to be there.

I do have a really good group of people that has been around on the list for the 5 years or close to that. They are always there ready to help out and offer suggestions and enjoy the pictures.

Also one last thing as I know I will get emails if I don't include it...

Link to the yahoo group.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Political: Do Something!

Well it has almost been 2 weeks since the election. It seems there are already lots of changes happening. I have started several blogs about it but I never get it out just the right way that I want to...

I get angry still especially when I read any news dealing with the Bush administration. I get sad still thinking about all the people who will be affected by this administration.

Mostly though started to think about the things I can do. Do to help those that will be in need. So if you are feeling powerless against what happened...help.

Local homeless shelters, human rights groups such as and so many other organizations out there that will need our help.

Here is a blog entry that says many things I have been thinking about too...Live Journal Twisted Chick

Saturday, November 13, 2004


Newbies and Online Annoyances

This is vent...beware these views are going to come out sounding very judgmental and well they are...

Sometimes my patience level for "newbies" and online stuff is very short...I think I am pmsing. And I know once upon a time I was new. So it is not fair of me...I know that. I know also we all do things differently so it could just be their way. But I still get annoyed.

By the way most of this comes people on forums or elists.

This week I was annoyed by:
* a submissive that I thought was serving real life that I found out was only serving online. She was offering advice to someone in real life when she has never served in real life. And when she offered the advice I read it and went I wonder if she serves online only. And in some posts afterwards I found out that was true. If online is your thing...more power to you. But serving real life is so different then online.
* a submissive was saying she was finally surrendering to her dominant. And everyone is congratulating her and then it comes out that it is online and they have known each other a whole 2 days online.
* a submissive who was told to buy herself a collar. Her and her dominant are online. So she is going out and buying herself a collar. I don't get it. I am sorry. I don't. I don't get being online and having a real collar. And I guess part of me thinks well he should buy it and send it to her if it is that important to him.
* submissive having to go out and buy an expensive flogger to beat herself with because of her online dominant ordered her too. why bother beating yourself? why bother buying something that the person said she could not afford but he still told her to get it? does he want her to get behind in her bills?
* another was suppose to pick a name out for herself because she was told "all submissive get renamed when owned." ummm no they don't. danae is the nick that Master met me with and I still have and will I am sure for years and years. And then again why is she picking it out and not him.
* submissive who think having vanilla times is meaning that they are not doing D/s. I am not sure why but that has really gotten on my nerves lately. Or those who think that just because they are not playing means they are not doing D/s. In my world that means we are not playing period. The play does not affect our dynamic.

Many things I read this week just screamed with red flags. Again it goes to the submissive fever thing I wrote about recently, it seemed many of the submissives that annoyed me this week rushed in and didn't even know the person they are involved with on the other end of that computer. And I guess if online is all your seeking, maybe you don't need to get to know each other. Maybe it is viewed that online is harmless fun but I think it can lead to unhealthy obsessions. And even if doing strictly online, I don't know why you would not get to know the person. Even in when I make friends online, I like knowing I have other things in common with them then just the lifestyle.

I know I have several interests in common with online friends. And same goes with real life. Many of my friends Ohio were in the lifestyle and practice it much differently then I did but that did mean I could not be friends with them. It meant that we usually got along because of other interests.

End of rant. I just needed to vent my frustration. I am sure it is pms because normally I just skip right over these kind of things.


Here is a little quiz...Fake or Real Tits...

I scored 19 out of 20.

Life Update

I have been busy reorganizing all week. And still have more to do next week. Since moving here there were some boxes I just could not get to see what was in them. Well in finally being able to unpack the rest of my things this week. I have found lots of things missing. I am missing a box of memorabilia. It had pictures I drew when I was little, report cards, my diplomas, pressed roses from Jim when we were dating and from prom, and things like that. Another box containing china 2 sets (one set of Fostoria and another that had wheat pattern on it with gold trim). Plus a set of wine glasses that my parents got as a wedding present. I also am missing a box of Christmas stuff - a Christmas cookie jar, nutcrackers, and Christmas tea pot. So that was kind of making me depressed the last few days. When I moved here a little part of me thought when I was going through things that I was missing boxes, but I just kept telling myself they must be here somewhere. But now I know for certain they aren't here.

I will now have a room that has all my art and craft supplies readily accessible. Plus I have my old dining room table in the spare room too so I can even draw and do projects right there so that will be very nice! Sewing machine is set up now too! And I have my first project waiting to be done taking an old pair of curtains and making them into a new pair for the office.

Well Master just said He is tired so that is my cue to sign off.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Veteran's Day

I am sorry I was not able to get to this sooner today but I did want to write about how thankful I am to all those who have and do serve our country in the military. I was thinking of many people today...my Grandfather who fought in the Korean war, Uncles and Cousins who fought in Vietnam. And then friends and family who have fought and are fighting in the wars of my time. Thank you for unselfishly serving the United States.

Essays celebrating America's Freedoms...many of which we would not have without those that serve in the military.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Subtle? No?

I always have thought our M/s is very subtle around vanilla people. An analogy...you know when you look at someone and something is different...hair, glasses, more make up, just something is different but you can't quite figure out what is different. Well that is how it has been in my mind, with vanilla people around us. That they might think something is different but can't quite figure it out.

But I am now beginning to wonder if I am off on that. I came to that conclusion because of a conversation I had with Master's Dad yesterday.

But first I want to kind of think back on other times...to a few times I know that it was not subtle.

I helped Master out at work. I was alone with one of his male co-workers. He was talking about the TV shows he watched. He mentioned football and the things he was talking about I knew (but I don't watch football). I have just picked up on it listening to it while Master watches it. Anyway, his co-worker was like, "wow you watch football with him." And I told him I just think I picked up on it while he watched. He said, "Well that is way more then my girlfriend does." During the conversation I had with him on various subjects....he said I wish my girlfriend did that probably about 6 to 8 times. All the things he was commenting on were vanilla things like watching TV with him, making dinner, and packing his stuff for their work trip. But yet his co-worker kept commenting on them.

Last spring, I went to the mall with Master's Mom and Dad while we were visiting them and He was working. His Mom and I went into a store and I told her how much I liked this one top. And she told me I should get it. I said, "No I need to ask Michael first because I don't think He will like it." It just came out of my mouth. And she said, "well if you like it that is all that matters." I changed the subject and moved us on to the next store quickly.

Our everyday protocols to me I feel people don't really notice. Such as I ask Master to go to the bathroom wherever we are at...it is just an eye contact thing now. But if I can't get his eye contact I just lean over and whisper. I also don't eat until Master gives me permission and that is just a nod of the head when we are with vanilla people.

But maybe I am wrong that people don't notice those things. Maybe they do spot them and know each thing that is different....

Again the reason I question this is a conversation I had with Master's Dad yesterday.

We were talking on the phone. I asked them if they would pick something up for me there. Since they are coming over for Thanksgiving, it would be just in time to give as a present for Master for His birthday. I knew where we saw it there and such.

While discussing all the details, Master's Dad says to me, "Well I am sure it is hard for you to find over there since he does not let you out of his sight."

The comment kind of surprised me as I didn't realize that maybe his parents notice a lot more.

So maybe we are not being that subtle. Maybe they do see we are different. Or maybe they don't think we are different...that we are just being us. I hope that is the case.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Fever & Life Update

Sub Fever....

I am not thrilled with the name because to me it happens to vanilla people too and also dominants. And is not exactly what I am wanting to write about, but it is closest name I have for what I want to describe.

Submissive Fever is when there is a sense of urgency to have it all happen...now. It is usually used in conjunction with people new to the lifestyle. Because they are reading and learning about all these wonderful things that make them all wet and gooey so they want to experience them. And so wanting to experience them NOW and often let all reason float out the window.

But I want to take that further. As I think people who have been in the lifestyle for a while can experience something similar. I think it happens after break ups, I think it happens during that time period where we are so sick of waiting for the one, and I think it happens when someone is needing or desiring something specific. I think often someone gets submissive fever because they are trying to fill an emptiness. Often they are craving and wanting (one or more of these things) physical, mental and emotional attention, intimacy, pleasure, affection, S&M, D/s and all the other things that come with seeing someone. And during these times we often compromise our values, beliefs, and internal awareness just to experience the relationship.

I have been there a few times unfortunately. There is one relationship I was in that it was the worse. I ignored it for so long that haunted me for a few years. When I was in the relationship with Todd, I just wanted to be in the relationship with the "One" that I ignored many blatant signs that showed me he was not the one and far from it. I ignored that he was married. I ignored that he lied to me on countless things (because when a person lies once they will lie again I am sorry but that is how I feel - looking at myself for that example when I have lied once it brings on strings of lying especially to myself). I ignored that there was something between him and my best friend (of the time). I ignored that although I was getting some attention, affection, D/s, and so on I was not getting all those things the way I deserved and really desired by someone who would really care for me the way I deserved.

The reason I wanted to write about this is because I have a few friends going through this.....they - to me - are caught up in wanting to experience a relationship that they are not seeing that they deserve so much better.

It is hard to see it. It is hard to escape it. But it is worth it in the long run.

Life Update....

Today I baked and then also made a roast for dinner. We had not had one in a long time. I cook mine in a cooking bag in the oven with potatoes, carrots, onions and then herbs. It turned out delicious!

I have been extremely horny lately (not sure that is the word but will get into that in bit). I feel like I could (if I had permission) be masturbating about 10 times a day. I am kind of an odd duck...but right now it is just about feeling the sensation and so I don't even really think of fantasies. I just love the feel of the vibrator on my cunt.

Another thing I am really odd about is...that although I want to masturbate I am not turned on...so that is why I am not sure horny is the right word. It is like I want to experience the sensation but mentally I am not turned on. So even if Master were to use me right now, it would take me a while mentally to get there. But at the same time I am craving to be teased to the point of being there mentally. I am not meaning physically teased either. I am meaning that teasing that comes with setting up sweet anticipation.

I know it is being all about me in this moment. I suppose that is because it has been a while and so now I am to that point of not feeling very desired and so the teasing and setting it up so we have that built up anticipation will make me feel desired.

I have lots of issues on not feeling desired. So, I am going to stop babbling on that.

Tomorrow I need to start clearing out the spare room so we can put up a shelving unit. But it is such a small room I need to make room for it by moving out lots of stuff. And then put the stuff I move out, back in on the shelves. At least that is the plan. I plan on going through that room reorganizing it top to bottom. Last week I started on kind of a fall cleaning where I tore the kitchen apart and cleaned everything out. And then put it all back.

Next week I am going to do some baking to freeze for Thanksgiving and maybe also send a tray to Master's work.

Master's immediate boss (who I really like) asked me to join her, another co-worker and the wife of their big boss to decorate for their work Christmas party. I was kind of surprised as there are other women in the office that they could ask or other wives. And they asked me. It makes me a little nervous, but Master is allowing me to go. They said we are going to drink and have fun while decorating - so by the time the party starts they want to be drunk. So that could get interesting. I am sure I will not drink that much as I am a person who becomes very open when drinking. Meaning I tell people things I should not tell them...especially Master's boss and big boss' wife....such as I am a slave. So I will need to watch how much I drink. Just a couple glasses of wine and then switch to water.

Well it should be interesting.

One last thing before I sign off tonight....a Piggy Picture (it is an adult picture)!

Saturday, November 06, 2004

"Iconography" by Margaret Atwood

He wants her arranged just so. He wants her, arranged. He arranges to want her.

This is the arrangement they have made. With strings attached, or ropes, stockings, leather straps. What else is arranged? Furniture, flowers. For contemplation and a graceful disposition of parts to compose a unified and aesthetic whole.

Once she wasn't supposed to like it. To have her in a position she didn't like, that was power. Even if she liked it she had to pretend she didn't. Then she was supposed to like it. To make her do something she didn't like and then make her like it, that was greater power. The greatest power of all is when she doesn't really like it but she's supposed to like it, so she has to pretend.

Whether he's making her like it or making her dislike it or making her pretend to like it is important, but it's not the most important thing. The most important thing is making her. Over, from nothing, new. From scratch, the way he wants.

It can never be known whether she likes it or not. By this time she doesn't know herself. All you see is the skin, that smile of hers, flat but indelible, like a tattoo. Hard to tell, and she never will, she can't. They don't get into it unless they like it, he says. He has the last word. He has the word.

Watch yourself. That's what mirrors are for, this story is a mirror story which rhymes with horror story, almost but not quite. We fall back into these rhythms as if into safe hands.

Friday, November 05, 2004

Book It!

This is going around on Live Journal...

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal...along with these instructions.

Here's my fifth sentence on page 23:

So I am surrounded by books in the office but I do have three books lying in front of me.

The first is The Valkyries by Paulo Coelho

"Gene laughed."

Exciting huh? It is a really good book though. It is one of my favorites.

Second...The Forgetting Room by Nick Bantock

And there is a picture on page 23.

Also another really good book. The reason these three books are lying in front of me as I have been meaning to write up "reviews" of sorts about them for our website as they are three of my favorites.

And then the third book is Buddhism Plain and Simple by Steve Hagen

"In seeing you will realize that you must live consciously, not for your sake or someone else's sake or for the sake of some goal or belief or idea, but for the sake of being fully engaged in the moment."

So finally a good sentence.

Life Update & Titles/Honorifics

Life Update:

Well Master and I have been drowning ourselves in comfort food. I even broke down today and made tollhouse cookies (chocolate chip for those who are not from the USA). I wrote my sister this morning to remind her I love her very much. Let's see....oh on Halloween I did play with paper dolls. It was fun! I even had pigtails. Master has been busy with work so we have not had a lot of SM or sex lately. But I have been especially horny for some reason. I have asked to masturbate a lot more lately.

Titles or Honorifics:

On a forum Master and I belong to there was a thread started last year on titles that was picked up again this year. It is thread that is brought up repeatedly on various email lists and forums I am on. But I have to say actually there were a few arguments on this one that I never saw before. The big argument is when a submissive will not use a title until she is sure the dominant has earned respect - several thought that was not "right."

The thread made me to really examine WHY and WHEN I use titles (and I have to say it I examined it long after I posted to the thread). And oddly enough I don't think I ever did think about why and when I use titles before.

On the thread it came down to courtesy, hierarchy (being subordinate to a dominant), and basically to be protocol to help remind the slave their place.


It was brought up that police officers or judges would get a courtesy Sir or Ma`am because they are authority figures. But to me that comes down to how you were raised. I was raised to call them by their titles. A judge would be Judge Last-name. A police officer would be Officer Last-name. My friends parents as they were my elders and authority figures were Mr. and Mrs. Last-name. So if submissive are using courtesy as they would vanilla authority figures then I would be calling them Mr. or Ms. Last name. But in the lifestyle we really don't get to know a lot of peoples last name unless they are really close. And I don't think they would be happy if at a bdsm event I said their last name around a bunch of people we did not know. So generally I use first names and am polite and courtesy even to those that I don't like or respect - all the while only using their name. It it just a different form of courtesy then using titles.


Next argument was that if you are subordinate it did not matter if you respected the person but go by your station. Meaning there is a hierarchy and dominants are above submissive so submissive should be courtesy and use a title with a dominant.

And here is where I have the problem....I don't feel subordinate to all dominants.

I am going to back up a little bit first...

I know my initial views on this subject came about because of my past. There is a dominant in the Ohio community that insisted that submissives called him Master or at least Sir. He is one of those that signs his emails, introduces himself, posts ads as Master First Name. At first when I met this person I did not have a problem calling him by a title because I felt he had "it." You know that "it" - dominance that just pours off of them and wraps around you making you giddy and weak in the knees. But over time I understood it was a facade. And that it was more of a role then who he was as a person. After getting to know him, I would say that he insisted on titles because it made him feel good and made him feel like he had power. So basically an ego trip. He demanded it for his ego. And thus submissive calling him that propped up the facade even more by calling him by a title.

After meeting this dominant, I found more of the like...dominants that wanted and or demanded a title. And all of them that I met who demanded or wanted, all came to be those that did it for ego trips to me. So, in the past, when the subject of titles came up and people would use the earned respect as an argument I would look at these men and go yeah I don't respect these men so that makes sense why submissives don't use titles until the dominant earns respect. But oddly enough I never really followed it. And I never really thought about it.

So this thread starts and as I said above it made me really examine why and when I use titles. DM is a really good example for me. I don't call her Ma`am here for ease of reading reasons, but we don't go a conversation, email, im without me using Ma`am several times and it has been that way since the day I met her. And so why did she get Ma`am before she "earned my respect?" Because she has "it." She really has it. It is not a facade. She is not a dominant for...well I was going to say blow jobs and maid service but she is woman...so she is not dominant for sex and maid service. She is dominant because that is who she is...a dominant.

In examining this issue, I realized it comes down to if they feel like they are above me then I call them by a title because it just comes out naturally. It is not forced or earned. It is just there. So going back to that theory if I am subordinate I will show those who are dominant courtesy. In my case, I guess that I don't feel all people claiming to be dominant are "above" me. So maybe that is why it does not come out naturally like it does with others.

After thinking about her I went through all the people I use titles with...there are a few in real life and a few online. There are even a few who I have called Sir or Ma`am who have told me not to - one persons reason was if I called him by a title that was giving him the authority to dominate me.

Master asked me if I called him Sir right away as He could not remember. And I did because after reading His first email introduction to me it came naturally. There was a hierarchy with Him. And so to me He naturally compelled a natural response from me....a title.

Reminder of place:

The third reason for using titles that was given that I thought was interesting....to basically be a reminder of ones place. And my first thought was there are so many other ways to do that. Especially in our case because we try to live our lives with protocols that can be used in front of vanilla people (even though they don't really understand or notice them) and me using Sir or Ma`am every once in a while to dominants that might be around vanilla friends would not be a good use of reminding me of my place. I am a firm believer in trying to make your lifestyle and life flow seamlessly into a natural ebb and flow so that no matter if you are in the grocery store, PTA meeting or at home you can use protocols.

So again, using titles as a form of protocol to remind the slave of his/her station really does not seem like a big deal to me. I can think of a lot of other ways that would show a slave his/her station more effectively.

Okay Master is done with his work so I need to sign this off but I might have a few more thoughts to write on this tomorrow.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Political: Sad and Upset

Tuesday night we went to bed before it was declared because Ohio was still in the counting stages…as were a few others states. So when I woke up yesterday, I came into the office as I knew Master would have the answer I had been waiting for all night long. And I tried to tell myself "no that it was not true" and that Ohio still had not been counted but about an 30 minutes later as I was making Master's breakfast the tears hit me. I started crying. I have never before in my life cried after an election. Before it was always, "oh great" and a roll of the eyes. But this year I broke down and cried.

I can't believe American's want this man as their president. I don't understand it.

Wil Wheaton posted this from Oliver Willis: "The amazing thing to me about this race was that Bush could be as divisive as he wanted to be, but it never penalized him. The most important things in the world were responded to with infantile answers or complete ignorance. Where he stood was clear. Simplicity wins."

I don't get why all the things he does is okay to them. Master wrote in his Spoon's Rant: " In the land of the "lesser of two evils," clearly America felt it was best to stick with the evil they have grown accustomed to."

I see that to a point and then I go over all the the articles and facts I read about Bush and then get totally confused by people want someone who has had people die because of his lies. Or someone who has made the deficit at is all time high. Someone who has spent social security. Someone who has broken so many promises (educations, economy, environment, health care, and so on). Someone who goes by their gut or praying about it. Someone who gives faith incentives to Christians but no any other religious group, and gives no rights to gays.

Moral Values. If that is what having moral values is then I don't want any part of it.

My sister is gay and I cried for her yesterday. I cried that this country and government thinks of her as non-person. It sickens me to think that we elected a person who thinks of her as a non-person. It sickens me to think of where this war will go. It sickens me to think of where this country will be in 4 years.

I screamed and cried yesterday. I feel so sad. And I am still upset today.

I don't get it.

I understand Kerry was not the ideal candidates but I don't get where Bush was BETTER. And I can't believe people are not scared about their rights being taken away with Bush as president.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Eminem - Mosh

A friend on LiveJournal posted a link to Eminem video Mosh. It is about getting people to go out and vote. I am a Eminem fan. I like the song and video.

Link to the video...get to choose how to have it played.

Here are the lyrics...
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America
And to the Republic for which it stands
One nation under God
It feels so good to be back..

I scrutinize every word, memorize every line
I spit it once, refuel and re-energize and rewind
I give sight to the blind, my insight through the mind
I exercise my right to express when I feel it's time
It's just all in your mind, what you interpret it as
I say to fight, you take it as I'mma whip someone's ass
If you don't understand, don't even bother to ask
A father who has grown up with a fatherless past
Who has blown up now to rap phenomenon that has
Or at least shows no difficulty multi-task
And in juggling both perhaps mastered his craft
Slash entrepreneur who has held onto few more rap acts
Who's had a few obstacles thrown his way through the last half
Of his career typical manure moving past that
Mr. kisses ass crack, he's a class act
Rubber band man, yea he just snaps back

Come along follow me as I lead through the darkness
As I provide just enough spark that we need to proceed
Carry on, give me hope, give me strength
Come with me and I won't steer you wrong
Put your faith and your trust as I guide us through the fog
To the light at the end of the tunnel
We gonna fight, we gonna charge, we gonna stomp, we gonna march
Through the swamp, we gonna mosh through the marsh
Take us right through the doors (c'mon)

All the people up top on the side and the middle
Come together lets all bomb and swamp just a little
Just let it gradually build from the front to the back
All you can see is a sea of people some white and some black
Don't matter what color, all that matters we gathered together
To celebrate for the same cause don't matter the weather
If it rains let it rain, yea the wetter the better
They ain't gonna stop us they can't, we stronger now more than ever
They tell us no we say yea, they tell us stop we say go
Rebel with a rebel yell, raise hell we gonna let em know
Stomp, push, shove, mush, Fuck Bush, until they bring our troops home (c'mon)


Imagine it pouring, it's raining down on us
Mosh pits outside the oval office
Someone's tryina tell us something,
Maybe this is god just sayin' we're responsible
For this monster, this coward,
That we have empowered
This is Bin Laden, look at his head noddin'
How could we allow something like this without pumping our fists
Now this is our final hour
Let me be the voice in your strength and your choice
Let me simplify the rhyme just to amplify the noise
Try to amplify the times it, and multiply by six...
Teen million people, Are equal at this high pitch
Maybe we can reach alqueda through my speech
Let the president answer a higher anarchy
Strap him with an Ak-47, let him go, fight his own war
Let him impress daddy that way
No more blood for oil, we got our own battles to fight on our own soil
No more psychological warfare, to trick us to thinking that we ain't loyal
If we don't serve our own country, we're patronizing a hero
Look in his eyes its all lies
The stars and stripes, they've been swiped, washed out and wiped
And replaced with his own face, Mosh now or die
If I get sniped tonight you know why,
Cause I told you to fight.


And as we proceed,
To Mosh through this desert storm,
In these closing statements, if they should argue
Let us beg to differ
As we set aside our differences
And assemble our own army
To disarm this Weapon of Mass Destruction
That we call our President, for the present
And Mosh for the future of our next generation
To speak and be heard
Mr. President, Mr. Senator
Do you guy's hear us...hear us...


You Have Sex Like a Socialist!

There's enough of you to go around, and you're not shy.
You share yourself freely, expecting nothing in return.
You have no jealousy in your heart - just lust for anything that moves.
From each according to his or her ability (to get it on),
To each according to his or her need (to come)!

What Political Party Do You Do It Like?

Recipe: Cheesecake

My original recipe used regular cream cheese, sour cream, butter, and graham cracker crumbs. It was 515 calories per piece (12 pieces per cheesecake) and 36 grams of fat. Low-fat cheese cake is 217 calories a piece and 16 grams of fat.

Low - fat New York Cheesecake

3 whole low fat graham cracker - crushed into crumbs
3 Tbsp splenda or sugar substitute
1 1/2 Tbsps canola oil (it sounded gross to me but it worked and was good)
3 pkg. (8 oz. each) low fat cream cheese, softened
1 1/2 cups splenda or sugar substitute
3 Tbsp flour
1 Tbsp vanilla
3 eggs
1 cup light sour cream

Mix crumbs, 3 Tbsp splenda and oil; press onto bottom of 9-inch greased springform
pan. Bake at 350 F for 10 minutes.

Mix cream cheese, rest of splenda, flour and vanilla with electric mixer on medium speed until well blended. Add eggs, 1 at a time, mixing on low speed after each addition, just until blended. Blend in sour cream. Pour over crust.

Bake 1 hour and 5 minutes to 1 hour and 10 minutes or until center is almost set. Run knife or metal spatula around rim of pan to loosen cake; cool before removing rim of pan. Refrigerate 4 hours or overnight.

Makes 12 servings

Monday, November 01, 2004

Life Colors

From Auracolors: "Most people have many different bands of color in their auras. However, when you answer these questions, your predominant personality traits will reveal your life color(s)."

So I took the test to see what my life colors were...

My numbers were close together and often I tied on them too. The first one is the highest number I got and then the next 2 I tied on. And from there down I tied almost always. So giving the top 3 colors that were close together in number...Sensitve Tan, Blue and Yellow.

The Sensitive Tan is the bridge between the mental colors and the emotional colors. Their auras are a combination of a light tan color with a light blue band next to it that encircles the body. Their personalities are a subtle combination of the mental Tan qualities and the emotional Blue qualities.

Sensitive Tans incorporate the characteristics of mental, analytical logic with loving and intuitive compassion. These gentle personalities are quiet, sensitive and supportive. They prefer, like Logical Tans, to maintain a rational, intellectual foundation while they analytically process data.

Sensitive Tans are more emotional and intuitive than Logical Tans, but they tend to keep their feelings to themselves. When a problem arises, Sensitive Tans will retreat inside to figure out the most practical solution.

Blues are some of the most loving, nurturing and supportive personalities of the Life Colors. They live from their heart and emotions. Their purpose for being on the planet is to give love, to teach love and to learn that they are loved. Their priorities are love, relationships, and spirituality.

Blues are traditionally teachers, counselors, and nurses---basically the loving, nurturers and caretakers on the planet. Blues are constantly helping others. They want to make sure that everyone feels loved and accepted. People are always turning to Blues for comfort and counsel because Blues will always be there for them. They consistently provide a shoulder for others to cry on.

Blues are the most emotional personalities in the aura spectrum. They can cry at the drop of a hat. Blues cry when they are happy, hurt, angry, sad, or for no apparent reason at all. Even watching a sentimental commercial on television can bring on tears.

Yellows are the most fun-loving, free-spirited, energetic, and childlike personalities in the aura spectrum. Yellows are wonderful, sensitive, optimistic beings, whose life purpose is to bring joy to people, to have fun, and to help heal the planet.

Yellows can either be very shy and sensitive, or they can be the life of the party. These playful characters have a great sense of humor. They love to laugh and to make others laugh. Yellows believe life is to be enjoyed. They like to live life freely and spontaneously. With a perpetual smile on their face, they remind people to not take themselves or their problems too seriously.

Yellows would prefer not to work at all, unless their work was fun, playful, or creative. They love nature, and often have concerns for the survival of wildlife and the environment. Dogs are very drawn to Yellows and often become their best friends.

And then Violet, Crystal, Logical Tan and Indigo were all tied for next in line.
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