Monday, December 31, 2001

Happy New Year

Music: going crazy with - listening to all sorts - Creed, Nickleback, The Calling, Bjork, Dianna Krall

It is New Years Eve.....

I am not sure what to even write about.

The stuff that plagues me usually has not been that bad today. I had some problems earlier today. But right now I am okay.

Kam went out with a friend of ours. He did not want to leave me alone. I told him I would be okay and I am.

I wish everyone a very Happy New Year.....

I will write more later in 2002 :)


Sunday, December 30, 2001

Forgetting Room

Music: Celtic Voices ~ Women of Song, Celtic Christmas, Clannad

"Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional." ~ Hermann Witt

That was a quote on a coaster when I went out with my parents and sister to Champs. I liked it so took the coaster with me.

I have lots rolling around in my head and my heart.

On the plane I started another book by Paulo Coelho....The Alchemist. One the way back on the plane I finished it. I was exactly half way through it when I stopped on the way there....and finished the rest on the way back...weird huh? It was a very good book. It is about going after your dreams which are part of your destiny. The Valkyries probably made more of an impact on me. But The Alchemist spoke to me also. Over Thanksgiving at my sister's I read the Forgetting Room by Nick Bantock and it was a really good book too. It puzzled me that Todd had read this book and not got it...or actually I think he did but he did not know how to grasp on to the idea and go forward with it. Scared maybe.

I thought of Todd a few times over the holiday at my parents. It was weird. We were sitting in a restaurant my mom, dad and sister were talking about things and before my eyes the last time Todd and I were together flashed before my eyes.

The last time we were together....physically.....was rough and hard. The pain the love I had for him all felt in those moments as it replayed before me. It was weird how it came to me. It was flashes of images but out of order kind of but all there. Some of the flashes made my mind think of that night so it was like I was thinking of the night and replaying it slow and all of sudden a flash - fast before my eyes would happen on top of the other image. It was like I was watching 2 screens almost. My hand went up to my of it...and just was held there and my mom asked me if I was okay. I did not hear her but did and then I snapped out of it and said yes...realized my hand was there....the place where he had bit me and I ended up having a bruise that I think lasted 6 weeks. I got up and went to the bathroom I was not scared by the images - but sad.

I am worried about Sir Nick as I have not heard from him and I got the impression from him he would call me while at my parents. But he did not. It made me sad he did not and then now because it has been so long since I heard from him I am worried.

While at my parents my mom, my sister and I talked about relationships. I got sad thinking about things....

I really want someone who will give as much in a relationship as give.....

I just stopped writing for a little while because Honey just called me. I had not heard from her in a while. I wrote friends of hers in Germany that I really liked and asked them about her since I had not heard from her. And he got on her case for not letting me know she is okay :) See next time I just need to go to him so that I know I will hear from her lol

We joked that our lives are in the same place they always

She was not thrilled with the things I was saying about my current relationship status. And I knew her current relationship status has to be stressful. So we are in the same place we always are lol

I met someone online yesterday that was very interesting we spent many hours online chatting. He, actually, reminded me of Nick when Nick and I first started chatting as Nick read everything I had out there too. And this man was the same he read a lot of what I have out there. It made me miss those times with Sir Nick even more.

I also chatted with Sir Rob yesterday.....the first time in a while. I thought of him quite a few times while at my parents.

I have been having lots of nightmares....and I wake up wanting to call Nick but know he will not be there or not hear the phone or what not. That is a really hard thing to deal with not having that person there for you when you need them. The person I chatted with last night told me I could call him...he just met me and was saying I could call him that seemed amazing to me. I did wake up with nightmares....right now they are going to happen and i understand that and accept that....I just wish that i had someone help me get through them. :(

One line in The Forgetting Room ……”….remember here in the Forgetting room the past is the present.”

We learn from our past…it is who we are… creates who we are…..

I am the person I am because of all the things I have went through….and I do like the person I am and I just need to keep remembering that….

I am who I am….because of my experiences good and bad…..


Saturday, December 29, 2001

Love Me

I remember when I was in Germany I wrote a piece on love and what I was looking for which of course is gone with the crash of my computer.

It went something like this....summed up.....

I want someone to love me like I love them. I want them to give me as much as I give them.

I am home is after 3am and I am up because I had an asthma attack after waking up from a nightmare.

Going to try to go back to sleep if I can slow this brain down a little....


Sunday, December 23, 2001

Off for Christmas Vacation...

Music: Various Christmas Music

It is 2am and I need to get up at 5:30am. I need to be at the airport at 7am. I am going to my parents for Christmas. I will be back on Friday.

Yesterday in trying to fix the virus I had on my computer, we botched it up and it basically wiped everything from my computer. It would not boot back up. So I am pretty upset as I did not back this computer up. I had my old computer backed up with things saved all over the place and on lots of disks. But this one I transferred so much of my stuff from the disks to my new computer because it was so big, new and ran so great that I was not worried about losing anything. In the 10 years I have been online I have hardly ever backed anything up and I have never had a virus or lost anything. And I have lost 10 years of things. I had stories, poems, term papers, pictures, art, graphics, and so much business stuff on it - some stuff 10 years old. So I am pretty bummed. I am trying not to think of it. When I do, I start to cry.

I chatted with Ray online a little while tonight. We had an interesting conversation. I could tell he had read my journal. He was trying to figure out what is best for me. I am not sure he understands me at times but he really tries and I am glad that I have him around :)

We had not chatted in a while as I am just not online all that much. Except to get stupid virus. lol

I did not get to talk to Sir Nick much this week and I hoped to have a "good" conversation with him before he left for Christmas vacation. I thought maybe he would be online tonight. But he has not. I am not sure how much I will be able to be online and not sure if I will post to my blogger or not. I am nervous my Dad might find it lol

What I mean by a "good" conversation is....a conversation where....we talk about life, D/s, vanilla stuff, things going on around us, us meeting, those types of things. We used to have these great long conversations online questions and topics. He would express his feelings more to me then. Now he is in his work mode and it is hard for him to let some of the wall of strength down and just be with me. He is still him he just has this outside wall up so that emotions do not get in the way of his work. And I understand, but it is hard.

I feel bad about being gone this week....I should be here for Di to get through the stuff she needs too. Kam so far has been putting up a good front that he is okay with me going. It is going to be really hard on both of us though. I am going to miss him a lot. I found a card I bought to give him 2 years ago that I never gave to him. It says so much of what I wanted with him...what I want in general. I want us both to be happy. I just do not see that happening together at this time. I can't ever be submissive to him and I do need D/s in my life. sucks sometimes.

It is going to be weird to be home for Christmas and around all my family. My sister who lives in Kansas is the only one who will not be there. My Grandma, my mom's brother and sister's and their kids will be there. So it will be a houseful. Just like when I was a little girl.

Well, it is close to 2:30am so I better get to bed....

Good night! Sweet Dreams....

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas!

And I wish Moni a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! *kisses* It is her birthday today!


Thursday, December 20, 2001


Music: Stadivari Sampler CD

I am ready to throw things and scream and yell and curl up and cry. I have not cried one of those really good cries in a really long time. Probably have not cried since August when I finally cried over Todd. I have not had time to break down.

Things are so up and down. Business is still GREAT. But if anyone ever says to me in the future lets open a business with ALL women involved....I really need to think 2 times....3 least 10 times about it. It is one drama after another with them. And it just gets very tiring.

Kam has had to run all over today and without him I think I would have broke down today. I mean at one thing after another went wrong today. Really this week the last 2 days have been like that. I am VERY VERY thankful to have him in my life. I love him.

It was really hard to book that plane ticket last night. Kam told me I could stay here for Christmas. He changed his mind. He is going through what I am right now...I want to be with him as this might be our last Christmas together. I am not sure but who knows what the future hold. I care for Nick very much and if things work with him...who knows where I will be in a year. I also have not been to see my parent for Christmas in 3 years and Christmas is my mother's favorite holiday. And mine. If I stayed it would be hard emotionally. Kam does not want anything Christmas up a tree - my nativity set and so on. So, it would be hard to not celebrate Christmas if I stayed. I had asked Di, Ray and Nick's advice. They all told me to go to my parents. And I still even last night as hit the purchase button I wondered if I was doing the right thing.

Kam has been so good to me really since right after Todd and I broke up I noticed the biggest changes. He takes care of me and I like that. I like not having to be in charge. Yes, some things I still am but right now since he is home all the time I have not had to deal with nearly as much as I did. And that feels good. To know someone else will handle it. Like all that went on this morning he took care of and I know it was REALLY stressful for him too but he did it for me.

Okay I need to change subjects and stop tearing up so much.

I talked to Nick online this morning. Time wise if you looked at when we started the conversation and ended it - it was a long time but actual conversation with him working was hard. But I also understand. I gave him my parent’s number and all my flight info. I hope he calls me at my parents. He will have his laptop with him so we will be able to talk via online. I just need to make sure I talk on one of my semi-vanilla names.

I feel very cut off from everyone right now. I have hardly talked to anyone. I know Lisa is going through a lot and I think of her lots. Di is going through a lot and I do not feel I have been there for her enough. I have not seen Moni in ages and miss her so much! JJ and I were suppose to do dinner on Monday I can't remember what crisis happened that night where I did not get to call her and make plans for that. So I hope to either try to get her before I leave or right when I get home. Same with Moni! Moni's birthday is coming up. I made her something last year for her birthday and chickened out on giving it to her so maybe I will get the nerve this year. I have not talked to SJ in a long time. Kam keeps more in touch with her.

I need to take my sister out when I am at my parents and explain more what I do for a living since I outed myself to both my sisters when visiting my sister at Thanksgiving. Jim's parents sent me a nice Christmas present as usual :) They are very good to me. I stayed with them in Kansas for a night and they brought me to the airport. Jim's mom main concern was that I find someone to live all my days with and be happy. She wants me to enjoying growing old and loving someone. She told me she pictured me with someone older then me. My first thought when she said that was Sir Rob. I actually thought of him quite a bit on that trip. I think of him lots now too. But I know he does not wish to chat with me because he wants me as his and sees that I am Nick's.

The other day someone messaged me while I was chatting with Sir Nick....and said something like Cum here now Slut! I cut and pasted it to Sir and cut and pasted my response to that person to Sir also. He liked my response. The person then came back with is he using you. And I just do not like online stuff where people act like he would be beating me online. I just lived there once and do not get it anymore. Real thing is what I want to feel!

I am what is new.....


Wednesday, December 19, 2001

Not a Good Time

I can't sleep. I hate this month. Sleep just will not come. It is not like things are plaguing me as they have in the past. It is not that bad actually. I just almost feel like I am waiting for the rug to be pulled out from me and to end up on my ass. But so far it is has been okay.

I feel very distant from things right now. Work is my life and it is getting very tiring.

I just purchased my ticket to my parents. I am crying. I can't even explain what it means. It just hurts. It was a hard decision to make. I can't believe I am going to go to my parents.....

good night....


Tuesday, December 18, 2001


I woke up about 2:30 am with a nightmare. And tried to get back to sleep. I ended up getting up at 3:30am and wrote Nick an email, wrote some work emails, and then went to watch TV.

I was flipping through channels stopping here and there and at 4am a movie came on....that I stopped to watch. It was a book and then a movie - real life story. A movie about what I do for a living. The end of the movie I related to lots. She was tired. It made me think of my life and writing about my life. LOL What a story.

I remember the first time I met Jackie we are all around the table eating dinner and I was sharing stories of my life. And she was just looking at me with this amazed look on her face. I said what? She said you think your life is boring don't you. I said yes. I look back at this past year and even though what I do for a living is not ordinary. It is job and I get sick of it just like other people do with their jobs. And at times it just seems to ordinary to me.

I am jaded.....

Even watching that movie tonight what she was doing and saying seemed very everyday to me. I think people reading this would be sad to think that I have "become" this way. But really....all my life nothing has ever shocked me. I am so on the opposite ends of my life.....I am naive and innocent still as well as jaded.

An innocent thing:

One night talking to Ray about masturbating I admitted I never even masturbated until I was 27 or 28 years old. And when I did I never achieved orgasm until I started adding toys.

Jaded thing:

He asked me what I did when I was horny when young.....I said I found someone to have sex with. LOL It is true.

I think of my life and that is where I think the story should come into play. It is so all over the place. I was sexually active at a young age and then I moved to Nebraska at age 10. I then did not do the things I had done before. I did not have anything sexual happen again until I was 16. When I was 16, I felt like I was starting over. I did not know what to do and very shy. We moved from a town with less then 1000 people to a city of 500,000. So I experienced a little bit if culture shock. If they only knew of the little girl I was before. I probably am lucky I was not the same. I became very introverted...shy.

This is a strange rambling blogger....

Last December was HARD but things changed for me then too. This December they are proving to be hard again.

Kam told me he did not want me here for Christmas. I heard that last Christmas too but in the end I know Kam was happy I stayed. We had a nice Christmas. So this year I pretty much chalked it up to him being him and hating Christmas and his birthday so just saying it. And then he said it again today. Well, it pretty much was one of those times where I was like fine you don't want me here I will leave then. So I looked for prices online for a ticket found one that is reasonable, called my parents to see if it was okay with them that I came and then told Kam. Of course he then tells me that I can stay. So, now I have my mom all excited about coming and not sure I am going to. Most I have wrote about Kam in a long time.

Anyway so now I am not sure what to do....stay or go to my parents.

He is not like he was last year but it is hitting lots of buttons from last year. So part of me thinks if it is going to stay like this then I really should leave because I do not deserve to be treated that way....especially when I am not doing or saying anything to cause it.

It is 6am and I am up...I have been since 2am. I have a long day ahead of me of course too. I just am so tired. I need a vacation so bad.

But going to my parents will not be a vacation. Ugghhh

I was just reading through old emails that Nick has sent me....

He sent me one in September.....

It said: "In case you hadn't guessed, I do miss you lots"

When he and I first started talking he was opening up....that was close to that time. Since he has been so busy, he has closed parts of himself off and does not say things like that anymore. And I understand but it still is hard. He though of late has not opened up, but I guess made me feel more secure in knowing he does care and showed me he wants to keep going forward. So that has helped me a lot.

I am all over the place of course as usual....

So much to do.....

good night...


Sunday, December 16, 2001


I do not know where to start.....

Lets see I had a really really bad long week...and Saturday there was a party that took all that stress away!

I had a migraine yesterday and I was not sure I was going to be able to go the party. But I finally got rid of it and got dressed to go out with Kam and another friend of ours. I had not wore my leather skirt in a while so decided to wear that and a black poets blouse and compared to the other women that came to the party and that were at the establishment we were at...I was OVER dressed!!! As in too many clothes lol

We went to 2 places and the first place was a bikini bar and the girls there were soooo friendly and nice! We had lots of fun!

OMG the tits I saw last night! And the last good bye kiss I had was out of this world. I was soooo drunk last night.

I had 4 drinks and they were not affecting me so the 5th one Kam ordered it as a double and then the 6th also. And then we switched bars and the 7th he ordered that way too. And I was drunk. I can't even remember some of it. I remember one of the gentleman motioning his finger towards me and I said what do you want and he said something and I kind of made a gesture like I was going to pop my breasts out of my bra....because with that bra they really do pop out lol And he nodded and said sure and I said I need permission from keeper since Kam was watching out for me last night and Kam said sure of course lol So I popped them out of my bra. Getting back in was too much trouble so I left them out for a while and then pushed them back in before we left lol

I had a great time...I can't even begin to explain it. I giggled all the way home. I hope I was not a stupid drunk but a cute one lol

I really needed last night and so glad that I had so much fun!


Edit: 6/13/09 - I just was reading this entry and I want to someday remember what event I am actually talking about so going to add a little bit more here. The event Kam and I went to was an industry event for escorting. I think I actually even have a photo of me popping my breasts out that I mention. The kiss was with Cassandra.

Friday, December 14, 2001


Music: no music today i have a migraine

This week has been very hectic of course. Kam is even helping me and I still feel like I did not stop going and going all week. It seemed one bad thing happened this week after another....all work related. But over all this was a good week - I am very busy so that is good. I just need some time off and there is a growing urgency for this as I feel like I am just going to snap soon and scream at everyone. Kam is going to have to take over for a bit or I will go crazy lol

Sir Nick and I were able to talk online a few times this week. One night he was being evil and sadistic. He is a lot of the time but this was more constant. I feel at times he does things for a reason but I just can't figure out why.

Di has been going through a lot and I helped her, I feel, in a very small way and she keeps thanking me for it. She is my best friend and she just cannot get that she does not need to thank me. That I love her and was so happy that I was able to help her. It is really sad....she was just online and her work Christmas party is tonight she asked for suggestions to wear and so I told her. She could not figure out what sweater I was talking about and I told her where it was exactly in her closet. But yet I opened the excedrin migraine bottle and can't remember if i took them or not lol

Well, it is almost time for me to leave again to go meet someone for work.

I hope to just stay home allllll weekend!


Monday, December 10, 2001

Too Forceful

Music: Various Christmas Music

Well, business is going very good but because of that I am working like none stop. I just wish for a day off. Kam said he would do work this week for 2 days to give me days off. But I also know I am a control freak and have to ask him if he did such and such and such and such. So I won't be able to totally to let go and just relax and do nothing work related.

I was reading through old journal entries and I talked about how the man I broke up with saw things totally different then how I saw them. And then looking over parts where I talk about Sir Nick doing something to put me on a certain path. And I wonder if I want that so that is what I see. Or if it is really there. It really seems like it is but maybe I want what he seems to offer so much I see what I want to see.

One night chatting with him online. I told him I was braindead. He wanted me to describe something. And I just was not in the right mindset to *think.* Just thinking was too much. So he started describing it and how he described it made me get in the mindset and pretty soon I was describing and being very detailed lol And I believe he did that on purpose. And when I asked him about it he is very just nonchalant about it. Like maybe I did. Making me guess and wonder. I guess it keeps me on my toes lol

Anyway, I see things in him that seem to be what I seek in my relationship D/s and vanilla.

Yesterday was 4 months of Sir Nick and I talking online and the phone.

We were talking on Sunday night. And I was chatting with Di and also Ray around the same time as Sir Nick was up and down from him computer busy with things.

Ray had told me he agreed with my post on the ultimatum for the most part. So I of course asked him what for parts did he not agree with.

Ray said: "More in tone than substance. I don't feel any ability in you to humble yourself, lower yourself, in order to communicate your needs. Feels forceful to me and I can understand why others would object to that even if you're right"

I have the ability to humble myself and lower myself to communicate but it is something I will not give up until I know....that I am safe. Because doing that breaks a wall down in me and makes me more exposed and vulnerable. So, I do not do that. I also found with Kam if I was humble and lowered myself he never took me seriously. (Or at least that is how it seemed)When I came to him in a forceful manner he responded and took notice.

I just was reading back some serious emails with Sir Nick - where I was trying to communicate needs and such and I think I came across demure and not humble but not forceful either.

I think when I write about these things in my journal I come across as being very forceful but I am actually not.

Ray said: "still, there is a layer of dignity, or control, that you never take away. Is that right for a "slave", I don't know. Personally I want to see it stripped away."

He is right it is always there. And I want it stripped away. It is just going to be a hard task for whoever decided to take it on. Sir Nick up to it? *grin*

I really do want it stripped away. I want to be enslaved.

When Sir Nick first messaged me Sunday night, I got upset right away. And I do not know how to convey this but I really am understanding of his schedule. It just is hard and it is easier then it was at first but I do not like it and does not mean that it is easy to deal with now. It is not. I just have learned ways to cope with it better. Does not make it easier. Anyway, I started crying and I did not tell Sir Nick but I told Ray. And I said I hate to cry. I do I cry a lot but I hate crying. At least I feel I cry a lot.

I do want expose myself to Nick. It just will take time.

More of my convo with Ray.....

Ray: "The dance is nothing without empathy. Without it it's just abuse."

He then asked me about Mistress DM. Which I thought was interesting. He wanted to know about a woman that could get me to crawl. So we talked about her for a while.

We also talked about something that he has used to get to me. My name. My real name. He was the first to get it.

I shared the secret with Nick. He had an interesting point to make about it. But I am not sharing that here :)

My conversation with Nick started out rocky and I know he did not get that right away but he always figures it out. It is scary.

Di asked me what makes Nick tick. And my answer was that I did not know. And most of the time I don't. He keeps himself closed off but not in the same way as Dale and Todd did. Nick is honest but just does not I guess find it necessary to go into certain areas. Not that won't share some areas with me someday (like Todd never wanted to share some areas with me) Nick will it will just take time - trust - building of a relationship. But I told Nick my answer to Di and he seemed surprised. I do not think I offended him but I surprised him.

Di and I were talking about the assignment knowing. I told her Nick was going to make me ask about it. He was not upset with me. He says that he knows that I will turn in assignments as soon as I can if I can't get to it right then. And doing it counts. Di and I were talking about what I thought about what he had to say when he asked me a question that came out the blue.

I really am amazed how sometimes it feels like he reads my mind. Because Sir asked me a question and it seemed like he had been a mouse in the corner of Di and my im convo lol

I have never had a Dominant ask me that question and I was totally impressed.
He then went on to let me know when I would hear from him and that made me feel very wanted. I know silly but it did.

I was in a weird mood and I apologized to him for being weird. And then he said one more thing that was like he had been listening to Di and my conversation. And then he ended with something that makes me feel control and it is just a little thing. And that made me feel good that he did that, as he has not in a very long time.

So the conversation with him was great. He is great and I can't wait to submit to him in person.


Friday, December 07, 2001

ultimatum or choices

Music: Ottmar Lieber

Yesterday I was chatting with a friend on the phone and she told me she talked to someone I was involved with. Anyway, his version of how things broke up was TOTALLY different from mine. And that bothered me a lot.

So I asked him if he would call me. He called. I told him what my friend said and that was not what happened. I said I did not give you a choice. I just did it - broke it off. I told him I was hurt and that I did not want to be hurt further and so I was breaking it off. He told me what he said to her and it even disturbed me further because he said I gave him an ultimatum. And that he was a Dom and you do not give Dom's ultimatums. How can a person give an ultimatum when I didn't give him a choice?  He lied to me and I broke things off period. I didn't say..."you need to do x,y or z to keep me." That to me is an ultimatum.  Instead I said, "I am ending this, because it isn't the right relationship for me."

This week I was talking to Mistress DM and she said the same thing basically on a different matter. When I was telling her that I  really felt I needed things to keep going forward with Nick or I would probably need to move on and find someone more compatible. She said I was giving Nick an ultimatum. I never gave Nick an ultimatum in my opinion. This is what I asked him - "Where do do you see me fitting in your life and where do you think things are moving/going?"  After asking him those questions, he gave me a reply that gave me the security I was looking for so we are moving forward.

What I do not understand is both the man I was involved in and Mistress DM saying the same thing about an ultimatum. I just am very confused on how  those things are ultimatums.  I asked questions. I didn't say you need to do this in order to keep me - that is an ultimatum to me.

This is another view/example: You have a submissive she has emotionally and mentally needs that she is aware of in herself that she needs met in her relationships. She is responsible for herself in any type of relationship so in order to keep herself in a safe place she needs to have those types of conversations when those needs are not being met. I had that type of conversation with the dominant described at the beginning of this post and with Nick right now.

To me saying I need x,y and z isn't an ultimatum.  It is informing the person you are with where things are - feelings, emotions, even physically. Such as I might be sick and Nick is wanting me to doing some self bondage that might make it hard to run to the toilet and throw up.  To me I need to tell him that I am sick and be transparent. So either Nick can chose to make do the task and risk me getting sicker or he can postpone it. I think this goes to emotional needs. Submissives are human and we have emotional needs too. If I am not getting them met, then I might leave.  I am not saying - meet these needs or I am leaving. I am saying, hey I have these needs - now it is in your hands.  The man that I was involved with lost me, because he lied. I didn't give him an ultimate or a choice. I left knowing he wasn't the right person for me. Other Dominants in the past who I realized weren't meeting my needs, meant to me we weren't compatible so I have ended things with them. 

I don't think that meeting your submissive needs makes you less a dominant. I don't think her expressing her needs for those things is giving an ultimatum.  It is a choice for both people in the relationship. It might be something the submissive feels she can't live without and if the dominant isn't fulfilling that then she can leave to find a more compatible partner. If the dominant, doesn't want to fulfill those needs, he can release her or he can give her those things if it doesn't bother him. It is a choice about doing what you want to have a fulfilling relationship. 

Maybe I am just not seeing something to not get those are ultimatums. It is a relationship - D/s or vanilla it still is a relationship and a relationship takes 2 working together.  I am fully capable of submitting and bending to another's will.  But doesn't mean my needs just fade away.  I still have needs. I am human.

Edit: 6/13/09 - adding this after reading it so I know what I was talking about when I read this back 10 years from now....The man I am talking about at the beginning of this entry that lied to me is P - no one else will get that, but I want to be able to remember as it took me several minutes to remember who I was exactly talking about. Anyway, I broke it off because he lied. No waffling or giving him a choice. I just ended it because I caught him in a lie.

Thursday, December 06, 2001


Started Wednesday:

I have a cold :(

Work has been slower this week then it was last. I am glad but it is still not slowed down enough for me to make heads or tails off my list of things to do lol

I have got to be online a little more lately then I had been. I was online Tuesday evening and up on my screen appears a message from Sir Nick. The first time I had heard from him in 15 days so I was pretty excited.

I started to get a little bummed because our conversation was not going how "I" wanted. LOL oh yeah I am the submissive right? *giggle* But he was being himself and making me be a better person. And he kept on that track forcing me to ask the questions he knew I wanted to ask but was scared to. 3 years ago if I had a fear or question or insecurity I would not have voiced it. I would have let it go and go until something gave and I just blew up or collapsed in on myself. So I got the nerve to ask him some hard questions. And he reassured me and took away some of the insecurities I had.

Some are still there but not as many.

Thursday 11:45pm....

Nick and I talked about God, praying and some of my beliefs, which I have a problem putting into words. Anyway that is something I want to write about in the morning.

He and I chatted about several things I hope to write about tomorrow. He gave me an assignment, which was due this Thursday morning. I did it and then was suppose to write a report about it and instead of doing it last night like I thought I should....I waited until this morning. Well, I woke up late and then had to get to work. was late. SM being the Dom he is when I told him said something like...."Your time is your Master's and he should be a priority." Nick is not my Master. He and I have had that talk several times where we both believe that meeting real life and having that Dom/sub bond grow in person will build us to a relationship where he is my Master. But mindset is pretty much even now that my time is his. When I work, I work doing my best because I need to be the best person I can in all I do for Him. And if I had managed my time better then I would have had it done on time. So I was pretty hard on myself today. I wrote an apologized and then did the assignment as soon as I could when I got home from doing work things. But I was late. :(

I have more to write on this subject at a later date. But I can't right now as it just does not feel right.

I need to get to bed...

I will write more tomorrow I hope!


Wednesday, December 05, 2001

Dec. 5th's horoscope

This is Tuesday Dec. 5th's horoscope.....thought it was interesting.....

Astronet Horoscopes

You must be doing something right when others are ready to accept you as you are. Take a quick inventory of your skills and strengths for a better idea of what's working. Don't let analysis interfere with your fun

Saturday, December 01, 2001

5 Questions

1. First thing you think when you wake up? things I need to do that day, then after I wake up a little then I think about things that I am grateful for...i try to do 3 things every morning.
2. Favorite color? do not have just one...purple and black and hunter green....pretty much jewel tones.
3. How many rings before you answer the phone?
Work try to on second ring. Home I do not answer my home phone...screen calls so friends and family need to talk on machine before I will answer. Cell phone - depends on who's calling. not that I really do this but I loved how a friend answered this question "Some people need to be made to wait."
4. Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate most definitly :)
5. Do you like to drive fast? yes I do. Do I? no not usually.



Music: This morning ~ Practical Magic Soundtrack/This afternoon ~ Holiday Sounds

I came home last night did a quick check of mail and went to bed. I am so tired. I feel like I have been going and going and I just want to go to sleep now. My body and mind knew it was time to crash. I am still very tired and relaxed a little today but also working on work.

Lets see if I can recap this week....

Tuesday came home from Kansas to start straight into work. Also had a little time to chat to Di and Ray online. That is the last time I chatted online this week and it is Saturday :( I tried to type up some journal entries from while I was away and I got too busy. I have like 10 things I want to do....need to write Lisa still. I know she was going through a stressful time and I wanted to know how things are going. And then I *still* have not wrote Laz back not sure that I can. I appreciate very much he wrote. It just took me back that he did. I have not been able to touch base with JJ in a while because I am so busy. And I can't even tell you when the last time Moni and I got together. To long that is for sure...probably September. Work has taken over my life. I have so many friends that keep writing me and asking me how things are and such and I just have been working so much that I am not getting to do the things to keep up with people and I am not liking that at all. I am very grateful for all my friends that are patient and supportive of me. You are the greatest.

On thanksgiving we went around the table and said things we were thankful for and I said my friends and family. Several of my friends are family to me. People I can call at 2am when something bad happened and say I need help and they would be there for me. I told Todd once when were discussing where I stood with him....that I did not need more friends. That what I was looking for was a relationship and so I did not need another friend. I told him later I would be his friend if that were all he wanted but that what I was seeking was a long-term relationship. He mentioned to me several times in arguments and discussions that I had enough friends and he mentioned it to Di a few times to that I had said that. I feel it irritated him because he really does not know how to be a friend. I mean I can see why he does not have friends if he treats his friends like he treated me.

Things need to write about pausing because all these things keep going through my mind...week, Thursday, not hearing from Nick in 2 weeks, Nov/Dec, Jackie, being in Kansas, art and I am sure there are other topics.

Wednesday worked from 7:30am to 2am. Thursday worked from 7am to 2am. Friday worked from 8am to midnight. I had someone write me who reads my journal regularly but that I do not know personally. He asked me how I could go out if I am working the long hours. That is hard to explain but not at the same time. I have a job where I can be out with friends and still be working, if it is not too busy. If it is busy there is no way I can do that. Once things are set in place for the day though then I can go out. I am still working and busy but that cuts some of my work out. So like on Wednesday night I went out with some friends for drinks and appetizers and just hung out and talked but I still worked that whole time. It is easier to go out with friends that know about my work and are in the industry. I went out with friends that were in the industry on Wednesday and then on Friday had lunch with another friend in the industry. So it is nice it is flexible but still at times hard to schedule fun in to my day. Usually it is last moment like it was on Wednesday it just kind of happened that I was in the area when these 2 friends called me and asked if I wanted to join them.

Thursday - Was a day from hell. I can't explain it any more. I mean from the time I got up one thing after another went wrong. Most of them business related. It was a good workday overall but just came up to one hurtle after another and had to figure out what to do to get over it most of the time just jumped and did our best. I know Thursday and this week has not been great for Di and I feel bad for not being there for her more. And I think Thursday Lisa had some things going on that made me think of her often. It has been raining here most of the week to and that just makes me feel even worse. Mara and another friend of mine though helped me out so much by running an errand for me that made them go downtown which I know Mara hates driving downtown. I really appreciated all their help though!

Friday - had a work meeting. Work was slow today and I was actually thankful. But I still had lots to do and then had lunch with a friend. We did not have as long as lunch as the last time we got together for our monthly bitch session lol But we also did not have as much time. I then had to run to Fairlawn for work. Kam went with me. He was surprised how much closer Fairlawn is to us then like going to Mayfield area. The shopping in the Fairlawn area is great. I wanted to go shopping but we just went for a late dinner and then came home I checked mail and went to bed.

Saturday - woke up at 5am and just started writing this blogger and then started checking mail - personal and work.

Just started writing more...again at 5pm.

I wrote Sir Nick on Tuesday night. I have not heard from him. And that is making me sad as well as worrying me. I know right now must be busy for him with is work. But I have not had an email from him - just saying he is okay or what not - but I believe he is reading my blogger. So that bothers me that he has time to read my blogger but not time to drop me an email to say I read your email and I will respond in a week or call you in a few days or what not. Because if you have time to read then you have time to send a one line email. Bitchy of me? I just am getting very frustrated. Kam told me once I would not make a good military wife and I always wonder if he is right. I hate not being in contact with my partner. I am an attention slut. :) It will be 2 weeks on Monday since I have talked to him on the phone. And even without the contact I still wish to be his just as much as I did after a month of talking to him. I still think he is just as great as I did then. I still feel the same I did as before when I do talk to him...none of the feeling have gone away over the distance and absence of contact. They have probably become more deeply rooted. I still want to go forward. I just need more contact then we are having and it is time for me to be with him in person. I need that.

Going to post this blogger for now and hit those other topics later. I need to do some work.

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