Wednesday, September 28, 2005

The Beginning of my Journey....

I am sure I will have several posts coming but thought I would start at the this is just the traveling info and a tarot reading.

I flew out Thursday and it was not a very good day! Master dropped me off at the airport about 7:30 (flight leaving (9am) and there was a long long line for checkin. By the time I checked in, did the security thing and made it to my gate -- they were boarding. I get on the plane -- get belted in and settled with my book -- when they announce that there is problems at O'Hare. There we electrical storms so bad they had to clear everyone off planes and equipment away too so we were going to be about an hour late landing at O'Hare. Well I had a connection that was only an hour and half between at O'Hare so that made me a little nervous -- as O'Hare is HUGE and I hate trying to find my gates there. When we finally made it to O'Hare, I asked the flight attendant what gate my next connection was going to be and she told me. Ugggh I was landing in Concourse C and had to go to F. She did tell me a quicker way with a shuttle to get there though. So, I get over there and quickly make my way to my gate to see that nothing is there. I go to Customer Service to see if they moved it but no they cancelled it completely. So here it is 1pm when my plane had landed and she does not think she will be able to get my on a plane at all today, but I will be on standby for the next flight at 4:40pm.

They can't get me on that flight. I do have to say though I sat next to the most interesting woman in the waiting area. She was from New Zealand and an Oral Historian. She talked about her travels and her homeland and it was a fascinating conversation. So she was the bright moment in my bad day.

Meanwhile that afternoon, I tried to ask some questions of one of the clerks attending that gate and he was so rude. I asked him where my luggage was from my flight from Denver to O'Hare and he said it will find me. No kidding - he rolled his eyes as he said it.

The other person at the counter was wonderful. I talked to her a few times and the first time she made arrangements for the first flight out in the morning. I saw her later beginning to hand out vouchers so I got in line and of course ended up having to speak to the idiot that told me my luggage would find me -- I asked if I could have a voucher for dinner and hotel as I saw others getting them and he said, "no." I said, "others are getting them." He said, "no they are not." I said, "yes they are" and pointed to a few people out in the waiting area I knew that got them he said, "no.". I said very calmly and politely, "I have been here all day and very patient and understanding that you cancelled my flight"...he interrupted me saying, "we canceled it due to weather so we don't owe you a voucher as we can't control the weather." Yep that is what he said to me. No I did not get his name as he had his name badge turned around.

So I am sitting there pissed and the line went down and the guy was gone so I figured I would go ask the woman for the vouchers. There was only one person in front of me -- and I got lucky she canceled her reservation for a flight at 8:40pm. So, the nice clerk put me on stand by for the other flights in between but if I couldn't get on those I would be booked for sure on the flight at 8:40pm. So, I sit there all day. I get dinner. I am tired. I read all my magazines and finished the book I had brought and am sitting people watching.

I am at the gate for my 8:40 flight (new clerks again) when I see that it disappears from the flight info board behind the clerk. It alarmed me so I go up and say, "is anything wrong with the flight at 8:40 -- did they change its gate or something" and she says, "No" giving me a look like I am being stupid. I said, "well it disappeared from the board behind you." So then she checks...the look on her face said it all! Horror...that was the look on her face. My flight had been cancelled and rescheduled for 11:04pm.

They asked us to stay close to the gate as it might change though. Well it did, we were scheduled to depart at 10:12pm but we boarded and circled the runway for almost an hour before we got in the air. In the air there was lightening all around us. Every window I looked out of I saw it. I have a big fear of Thunder and Lightening so I just sat there trying to meditate in my seat. Didn't work very well so it was dark and I cried silently letting some of my stress from the day wash away. (By the way no one was sitting next to me and they had the lights off so it was dark and no one saw me or heard me.)

I got to my final destination at 2am and girlie -- the trooper she was getting calls from me all day saying nope not on this flight -- was there to met me. We loaded things up and headed to the hotel where we proceed to have a wonderful girlie chat where we talked, ate cookies, laughed and giggled (because laughing and giggling are different) until 4:30am.

Friday we were awoken by the knock of maid service at our door. I just told them to skip us and we then planned out the rest of our day as we didn't have to be the retreat until that evening. We went shopping -- we went to build a bear where girlie bought me a bear. His name is Henry and just so cute! Thank you girlie! I just got done with a nap with Henry! We made one for someone else was so cute! I had never been there it was fun!

Before leaving for SR that evening I had girlie do a tarot reading and then asked at the end to do it again...

1. starting point; theme of the question --- Eight of Pentacles
Meaning: must grow beyond self in order to find self. find a new way in seeing your tasks and needs.
2. oppossing or complimentary to to card 1 --- Six of Pentacles
Meaning: Realizing my needs. Make sure you are not just managing or making do. By giving of talents your needs will be met.
3. conscious side to problem/theme of question --- Ten of Wands
Meaning: Too much on my plate, bundle of energy that is trying to become totally focused on my desires and tasks.
4. root, basis, unconscious side --- Eight of Cups
Meaning: turning off feelings to the point of numbness or no feeling so that everything just passes you by good and bad
5. past --- Three of Cups
Meaning: needs not being met, losing individuality by not expressing needs
6. future --- Three of Wands
Meaning: With enthusiasm I will find the solutions to met my end goals. I need to move/act to make it happen.
7. internal attitude --- Star
Meaning: I don't feel I have the light within to face my problems. Allow the feelings I have to be explored...hopes and visions can be realized and fears need to be dealt with
8. outside, how others view me and the problem --- King of Pentacles
Meaning: others view I have everything...I am successful...that I have done hard work and now am successful
9. hopes and fears --- Page of Cups
Meaning: not clear of identity, having problems loving self, very sensitive
10. outcome --- Three of Pentacles
Meaning: new beliefs coming, letting light shine on the problem I am facing to show knew skills, freeing myself from the burdens that I have put upon myself

(by the way that is not an image from the exact tarot set used)

Monday, September 26, 2005

Quick....Random Bits

I am back from the servant's retreat. We will be heading towards our home tomorrow. I am of mixed feelings on the whole experience. I am sure I will be writing lots about it though.

I am going to do just a few random snippets now that I know won't always make sense to anyone but me. I might be expanding on some of these later.

* I hate drama
* It is hard not to be sucked into some dramas when people you love are getting hurt
* respect between people (lifestyle and vanilla) seem to going even more down hill then I realized
* manners and common sense seem to go out the window a lot more these days
* when manners and common sense go out the window when infatuation enters the picture -- that is a red flag to me
* I know I just said manners and common sense seem to go out of the window but at times there is a need to be a bitch...and well I can be a bitch...I don't put up with a lot of drama, energy wasters, rudeness, and lack of respect. And it can be handled calmly logically and even politely although forceful too.
* I am not very friendly....I am very quick to know who is a person worth expanding that effort of friendship. And I know I put the energy off as "stay away" if I don't feel the person is worth my energy. And even more so I am comfortable with being this way.
* I wonder if not being friendly has come from being more isolated also because it seems since being with Master that I don't socialize with people as easily as I used too. Unless I am utterly comfortable in the situation.
* I realized this weekend I have grown a lot in knowing myself and I think I had not realized the extent of it until this weekend.
* I don't like "dominants" that try to control others through manipulations of situations
* I hate Chicago O'Hare airport!!!!!!!! (stranded there from 1pm to 10:12pm when they finally got me on a flight to where I needed to be)
* Though I did meet one person in that airport who I am at least thankful that I had a chance to meet as she is someone I will remember for quite some time. She was so interesting.
* I hate fall allergies...they are almost worse then my spring ones the older I get
* I have lots of work to do
* I had frantic emails from clients even though they knew I was on vacation and unavailable while out of town waiting for me today
* ho-ho's and wine don't go together very well but they do work in a pinch after an emotionally stressful day!
* I spent dinner with an amazing bunch of women last night. I wish I could have just spent time more time with them as they were funny, smart, and sexy to boot!
* I am so happy I got to see girlie
* I AM SO GLAD to with Master again! I missed Him so much!

Friday, September 16, 2005

Going out of Town.....Random Thoughts....

~ We leave today to go on some is 3 parts to it for me and 2 parts for Master. So we will be gone 10 to 12 days. And I doubt I will be able to blog in between - might be a slight chance on Wednesday or Tuesday but I am not holding out on that.

~ I of course have had tons to write about this week but been so busy. I started my 2nd part of my poly entries. But it won't be ready before I leave as there is just so much there I want to write about.

~ Master is out gassing the car, grabbing us breakfast, and stopping by his office one more time. I am incredibly proud of the video he did for work.

~ I am going to the Servants Retreat as the 3rd part of my trip. Catherine Gross is the one putting it on and this is her last year of doing the Servants Retreat so I am glad I am able to catch it before she stop doing them.

~ I hope that we are able to relax a little on our trips as when we get back we will be very busy least I will. I have my deadline for my client, a couple of doctors appointments, Master's parents want to visit in October and my parents have talked about coming in October too. Plus I will do my fall cleaning and I have a several birthday's in October. I always kid my Dad telling him he always had a good birthday as 2 of his children were born nine months after his birthday.

~ Our trips will encounter low 40's, possible snow, spring like conditions so 60's and 70's and then the last part of my trip will encounter summer like conditions of 80's. I feel like I packed the whole closet! We are having to bring tons of bags because I have so much.

~ I baked yesterday 2 dozen muffins and 3 dozen cookies. They are being split between different parts of the trip.

~ I dyed my hair again...and almost looks like I have black hair. It is called black cherry and I have done it this brand and shade before but it never took this dark. I left it on a little longer then usual though as I was busy doing things and lost track of time. So maybe that is why.

~ I feel like I am forgetting something for our trip....I hate that.

~ I should be nervous about part of our trip.....going to be around everyone Master works with but I have not had time to get nervous. Master bought me 2 new tops the other night. One of them I will wear with a little satin slip skirt to a dance they put on every year. It is a sweater and it only cost $5. And we were not sure how it was going to look as it has some funky sleeves but with the right skirt, accessories and shoes I made it look pretty least that is what Master said. As He said right away that is what I would wear to the dance - over one of his other favorite dresses that is one that kind of slinks down the body and then flows away. I feel very girly girl in that dress as it does wonderful twirls. But in this outfit I feel very grown up sexy you know that feeling of being kind of subtle sexy....there are touches that are so feminine but I am not really showing off skin or anything. I thought yesterday this outfit would look really good with my boots too. I have black boots that hit right under the knee and really hug the calves. Master loves them on me. But where we are going to be -- all the walking to get to the dinner and dance - very mountainous plus being out of breath because of the altitude - makes me a little dizzy that it probably was not a wise idea as they are a little to spiky and I could see me tripping and hurting myself before the 3rd part of my trip.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Golden Showers

This was this months SMART Essay...thought I would share it here...

He said:
"A golden experience."

Now before everyone turns to the next page, let's consider that this is one of those "unmentionable" themes to ponder, much less discuss openly with others. Golden showers has such a stigma attached to them, even admitting that you have a desire to be the pee'ee or the pee'er, brands you into some sort of undesirable category. The topic itself is a difficult subject to broach.

So what does it mean to pee on someone?

Once you work beyond the "ew" factor, there's a strange empowerment begins. The first mental obstacle, however is to be able to insure the safety of the participants involved. Even though the perception that urine is relatively clean, it's always best to understand your partner's biological health before engaging in such play just as you would having unprotected sex or some other type of fluid exchange activities. As with any other fluid exchange possibilities - disclose, talk and mutually agree on the level of play.

I never really considered golden showers before I met danae. It was one of those activities that seemed to fall down the scale on my checklist - mainly because of the stigma that I just mentioned. It just didn't seem like a necessary activity. However as time went on, I started pondering it more. I could see an appeal and I became anxious to try it. I saw a level of exchange that made me very curious.

The first time for me was the hardest. After all, the act itself defies a lot of social morality as the mental implications for urinating on another person is a sign of disrespect, of lowered value or consideration. That fact alone would probably be enough to cause anyone to have a shy bladder, but it was different experience and one that would take awhile for me to get used to.

Then the internal mechanism began clicking…

It became primal. Animalistic. Dirty.

Then came the excitement. Then the rituals began. As soon as I saw the product of what happened once the act was concluded, the inner Dominance swelled satisfactorily. Namely I observed danae in a level of subspace, defiant to try to scurry away from the dirty urine, but held in restraint while sitting on the floor of the shower.


Euphorically absorbed in the moment.

Grabbing her hair (a favorite of hers) while urinating all over her hair, her face, her neck, and body - almost instantly converts her into an oblivious head space where reason does not exist; helpless to do anything in resistance. Moaning incoherently. Unable to focus or as she puts it: "feeling fuzzy." And while it's important to note that not everyone will respond the same way, I found my own personal experience to be exhilarating. The best way to describe it is non-consensual consent. It was feeling the resistance, yet knowing that danae was accepting her role in the matter.

Hence - the feeling of non-consensual consent.

It's a form of resistance play for us, but accomplished in such a way where no real bondage was employed, or whips in action.

I finish my shower as she struggles to rationalize what she's thinking, how she's feeling. She looks as though she were thoroughly used, exhausted and spent. As I get out of the shower, she remains sitting on the floor, bobbing her torso ever so slightly as she tries to regain her senses. I carefully ensure that she's going to be able to stand up and finish her shower - rinsing off smell and the feeling of the urine. Almost liberating her of sorts.

The ritual gently reinforces the structure of our relationship on a daily basis. It's something we share and we both get something out of it. While it may not be an activity for everyone, the act of golden showers is at least a different endeavor that routinely gets shoved into the edgier side of the lifestyle equation.

She said:
It seems like such a taboo topic for most to even discuss, but I guess to me it's just another fetish. Pissing, peeing, urinating - regardless of the word choice, is widely considered to be "unclean" as the perception is created our childhood. So how does a bathroom activity that we've been doing since birth become a fetish?

It's widely defined for the practice of passing bladder fluid onto another.

Many people associate it with being "unclean." Yet, when you break it down, I think the fluid itself makes people a little squeamish. But at the same time because it is "unclean" - makes it all the more appealing. The image generates feelings of humiliation, naughtiness, arousal, power or it can be warm and caring. I have found that it just depends on how the scene is going though what type of feeling I get from them.

I remember way way way back when I did not want to ever experience a golden shower. I never listed as a limit just something I was not interested in - but would do if it was the Top's/Dominant's kink.

I still remember my first one very fondly. It was much different then I always envisioned a Golden Shower. It not only felt different but my reaction to it was different then I expected. And it instantly became a fetish.

While I don't remember the context in which I received the golden shower during the scene, I just remember trembling as I kneeled in the bathtub. I remember being scared and not sure I was up for this but knew it was something I needed to get through for my Dominant to please him.

As I kneeled, I felt myself surrender to the power of him standing before me. I remember thinking "he can do anything - even piss on me." And then the warmth of his piss hit my skin...splashing across my belly, my breasts. I felt caring. I felt a connection. I felt intimacy. I felt pride in being his submissive. I felt as though I was being marked as his territory in that moment. It felt arousing, exhilarating and possessive all at the same time. I opened my mouth (something I never thought I would do) and he aimed towards my mouth. I drank some and the power of it…of what he was doing to me washed over me much like the urine washing over my body. Everything went fuzzy. I was zoning…going to subspace.

Golden showers since then have been just as erotic, powerful and intimate as that first one. With Master we have a ritual in which they are done creating and even deep meaning to them. The power of the ritual makes puts me in a deeply surrendered state that I float on for hours after.

I don't expect everyone to have such positive experiences with Golden Showers, but I do think that just because it might not "sound" appealing does not make it that way when you actually experience it. Golden Showers can be very erotic, powerful, and intimate.

Here are a few more links that talk about Golden Showers, as there is not a lot of information out there about them:

The Training Guide to Water Sports
The Fluid Side of SM
Piss Play

© within Reality: Michael & danae 2005 - all rights reserved

Daily Om: "How Others Perceive You"

Those little mental snapshots we take when we look at ourselves in the mirror become part of our energy field and part of our self-definition. Interestingly, we can change others' view of us simply by shifting the images we hold of ourselves.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Poly Part 1 of ?

I think I could do a hundred posts on poly and still not cover all my thoughts and experiences.

When I was a little girl, I would draw layouts to houses and pictures to create a story to go with the house. Anyway, I always had more then one wife in my stories to go with the houses. Now, no where in my childhood did I ever know anyone or talk about it with my family that a person has more then one wife or involved with more then one person. For me - in my child brain - it seemed the more people there the more love there would be and that sounded nice to me.

I think I kind of fell into poly. When I discovered BDSM online, years and years after Don, I found that many people in the BDSM community seemed to be poly. Or at least many Dominants seemed to be involved with more then one submissive. And I didn't have problems with that as it seemed natural for me. Plus I am bisexual so it is nice to be able to have female and male partners. Also I have never really been a jealous person. Boyfriends would flirt with others and such and most of the time I didn't mind. I actually remember getting turned on by it. It only bothered me when as jewels said in a needs were not getting met. I would get envious of the attention when I was lacking or craving the attention. I never really felt threatened by others either - as it is 2 people doing the work in the relationship and if we are doing what we need to -- then there is no reason in my mind to feel threatened.

Just as there are many ways to do BDSM - I think there are many ways to do poly. I think poly *for me* is being involved in a long term intimate relationship with more then one person. For me it is *not* just playing or having sex with someone casually - to me that is having more of an open relationship. Many people include swinging in poly but that isn't poly to me either.

I have been a part of poly relationships over the years....

My first poly experience was within a big poly family. When I moved in, there was 1 live in slave besides me, 1 live in servant type slavegirl who was not owned by the dominant but served him, 2 submissives that did not live with us and then other casual play partners that didn't live with us. Shortly after moving in a D/s couple moved in with us and the dominant I was involved with became the head of the household basically. It was kind of a complicated set up. But it worked between the 2 dominants. All the girls could play with each other without asking - SM or sex. All the girls of the dominant I was involved with could play with the other dominant except he was not allowed to play with me. The other dominant's submissive could play with the dominant I was involved with. Most of the girls within the household - I was not attracted to and did not have the connection I need there to be when involved with women....except the other dominants submissive. And so she and I were involved. We had a very loving sensual relationship. She was very sweet and I have been actually thinking about her a lot this week after filling out a questionarrie about past relationships.

In the time I was with this dominant we had quite a few come and go. In the end it was just him and I living together but he had long distant relationships going also. We even had kids in the household at one time too -- an 8 year old for a summer and teenager for over a year.

I then did kind of a trial run with a very dear couple that I love an adore to this day. They were just starting to explore poly. After that I was involved in a D/s relationship with one, a Daddy/little girl with someone else and a Top/bottom with another fellow - plus I had 2 girlfriends all at the same time.

It really was not until Master that I "gave up" poly as he believes and I also do - when starting an M/s relationship it is very important to build a strong foundation and he felt that would be hard if pursuing others at the same time. He wanted us to just focus on us. I feel Master and I now do have a strong foundation but I know that neither of us feel it is still a good time to pursue outside relationships. But won't rule it out - if it happens it was suppose to happen to me.

More to come.


Well looks like several us love chocolate. I made some chocolate icons recently...not going to post them all here but will leave the links to view them all elsewhere...

here are a few teasers....

Set 1 (adult oriented) - Set 2 - Set 3 - Set 4 - Set 5

Friday, September 09, 2005

Meme: Food

Top 10 have to have foods...
1. chocolate
2. chicken
3. beef...need some red meat
4. diet coke (i know not a food)
5. things to bake with (yes that is cheating as it is more then one)
6. salad
7. green beans
8. cheese
9. anything bread (because I can't live on just one bread or sweet alone!!)
10. anything sweet

Top 5 herbs/spices/flavor enhancers
1. garlic
2. basil
3. olive oil
4. red wine vinegar
5. a grill mate -- which has a mix of seaonings

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

How I spent Labor Day Weekend....

Sunday morning Master had to do some filming. He went to get his equipment out and found a piece to be missing. The last time we had the equipment out was when we were in Denver a little over a week ago -- and *I* packed it up after shooting. So we tore the bags apart looking and did not find it. The only conclusion is that I didn't get packed up. So I was of course feeling terribly guilty as Master left me to pack up while He went to a meeting. It was one of those odd proud moments for me as I knew I had saved him time and felt proud to have been able to have that privilege of serving him in that moment. I had never broken the set down before so I didn't know how to even get some pieces apart but I figured it out and did it. So after finding out I left something behind I felt like a horrible slave.

Master sends off an email to the place where he shot the footage but it was a Sunday plus the holiday coming on Monday so we knew it would be Tuesday before we would hear anything. Master then priced the new piece and it would be close to $200 to replace it. So I felt more guilt about Him having to possibly spend that much to replace it because of my error.

So Sunday was kind of miserable. He wasn't sure they could get it to him in time to do his project even if they found it. So it just was adding up one thing after another.

Monday morning I am making muffins and I can't get the whole thing out of my head. I did not remember packing it up. I didn't remember even seeing it. So it was my thought it was still plugged in right where Master had plugged it in. I kept replaying packing things up in my mind. And that it had to be still right in the room that we filmed. But my thought was that even if they had someone look - because of the room it was in - it could be easily over-looked and we would hear that they did not find it even though it had to have been there. So, I came to Master and said, "okay Master I just need to get this out please and if you don't agree I will drop it and not say another word on the whole matter." He said, "okay" So, I told Him since it was the holiday I thought we could go over that day (yesterday) and stay at His parent's and then get up bright and early Tuesday to be there when the place opened and go and look. I felt us looking -- would give us some sort of peace of mind because we would know for sure if it was or wasn't there. He paused for a moment and said yes. So, we had some muffins called His parents and I got us ready to go by packing, doing dishes, and such. We headed over to Denver on a HOLIDAY! Oh my the traffic!

Our state is a tourist state plus all the locals get out of the big city and go out into the wonderful mountains of Colorado so there were lots of cars on the road. But it least it was a nice day and we had the company of each other. We arrived in Denver at dinner time and then spent the rest of the evening chatting with His parents. We were very thankful that they were okay with us giving them short notice.

So this morning....we got up early head down there. We went to the room where we had been shooting and Master pointed to was exactly where He left it. He understood why I had not noticed it. And was glad we had come because if we had sent someone to look they most likely would have not seen it either. I think if you had been standing in the room you would have felt the stress drain from us. We grabbed it and then headed back to the car to head towards home as Master was going to try to work this afternoon (note I said try).

Oh on the way to Denver because we were going bumper to bumper traffic for a bit - it caused us to slow down and really look at some things we do not - normally. And we saw an old school house off the highway. Master said it looked like a good picture taking opportunity sometime. So this morning on our way back we decided to try to capture it. And it was worth the stop...the whole little little town was a treat!

It was a mix of falling down abandoned buildings, old buildings that were in relatively good shape, houses painted like gingerbread houses, little shops and such. We drove through the town taking pictures. Master was thoroughly enthralled by a bakery. He was snapping lots and lots of pictures and finally He called me over. He said, "you are not going to believe this" and pointed to the front stoop. There out in front of the bakery they had a big metal box sitting on the stoop that said FRESH BREAD on it. He opened it up and there inside was indeed FRESH bread...homemade bread...jalopeno cheddar, sunflower oat, Italian herb and asiago, rosemary and garlic, cinnamon fruit, dilly bread and so on. They mill their own flour too and no white refined sugar is used in their breads. We ended up getting 2 loaves. They had a sign that said to "please honor the honor system" on it. There were a canister in the bin with money in it -- where we placed our money for the loaves too. It was obviously a well used service. And the loaves smell so good!

After we got back in the car, Master's whole presence changed...He was so much more relaxed. Being able to take some pictures, finding a place that seemed calm and serene helped His over-all-well-being. And he noticed it too and mentioned it. It was very nice to see Him so happy and calm.

We arrived in our town - just got off the interstate and we heard the car hit something - but we had not seen anything. There was a clunk as we drove...I said I think your tire is flat. Well His car is a smart car and tells you those kind of things. But it was not saying anything so he pulled into a parking lot and looked a bit and then stopped.....there was a big piece of metal sticking out of the tire. It wasn't flat. But He knew it would 2 1/2 hours later we were walking of a tire place with a new tire. So not a great way to end such a good day.

He is out filming right now as I type this up though so at least he is able to get moving on his project.

Monday, September 05, 2005


Neither really go with each other but 2 of them that I have been hanging on to and wanted to share...

"In the case of good books, the point is not to see how many of them you can get through, but how many can get through to you."
-Mortimer J. Adler

"Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go." -Sylvia Robinson

Friday, September 02, 2005

what is going on with me....and Hurricane Katrina....

So, I guess it is time for me to do a post about Hurricane Katrina....I haven't done a post like this in a while....feel a little too open...but going to post anyway.

I have posted links and such but not said anything because when I think about hurts to much. I break down crying and feel so much pain that I feel like I am falling into a deep pit of darkness. It then start being covered by numbness and then goes to feeling nothing about it one way or the other -- as the day wears on. I guess I feel with the depression I have going is like I am basket filled with emotions and thoughts...they are making the the basket overflow -- because there is too much going in but nothing coming out. During depression it is really hard for me to process any emotion or thought. It is hard for me to focus. So it has no place to go....because I am not processing very well or quickly. When I do seem to process something - it either comes back quickly because I probably did not deal with it totally or it is quickly replaced with something else. So, Hurricane Katrina kind of just hangs on the outside of the basket....never really making sinking in. It does affect me by being there for a little bit....I sob, I hurt but then.....stuff starts bubbling up that overshadows that pain.

So, I know I am not doing anything to help to the people devastated by Hurricane Katrina because I can't even send out good thoughts/energy right now. Usually - without depression - when I do things through out the day, I try to give back and I can't really explain what I do but it almost a meditation/mantra type practice of sending out good thoughts/energy to others. And I haven't been able to do that in a while and I feel very helpless and guilty actually for not being able too. I have several friends online that are going through this hurricane or have family and I haven't even been able to read their lj/blog posts all the way through or comment because I just don't feel like I have anything to give. And I am very sorry for that.

I am very grateful for all the wonderful people that are not only giving money, food, time, housing and such to the effort but also thoughts and healing. Because I do believe all things in this universe are connected and so even those help people. So thank you for giving what I am not...right now.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Hurricane Katrina

2 links from Live Journal that say the things I have been thinking much better then I ever could....

Then I just read this and I am amazed especially with what is going on right now...

Destroying FEMA

Edit: Added 9/2 12:48am - adding another link....this guys whole Livejournal is about the situation but that entry caught my eye.
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