Friday, May 31, 2002


I am alive. I just have been busy. I have several topics I want to write about but they will have to wait until later in the day. I have woke up about 4 times tonight with the same nightmare. I am really really not a happy camper about it. Oh well, they can't last forever....right?

Wednesday, May 29, 2002

Not as Clear

Not sure I am liking my horoscope for today especially since this site I am getting them from now has been very accurate....

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You thought you knew what you wanted, but now it’s not as clear as it was. You can focus on practical needs for safety and emotional security, but there is something else pulling you off into the nebulous edges of the cosmos. It’s beautiful out there, but it’s also quite unsettling. And you really want to settle. What’s a Libran to do? Don’t force decisions today.

Pantiless Fun

Blogger was this was written at 2:30am...May 29th.

Well, I woke up with a nightmare. I feel on edge. I hate that feeling. I was just flipping through some I am stealing this topic from Mistress DM.......her journal. She was looking at stats and how people found her.

So I did the same for my journal and here are some of the words used to find me..........

Danae's Journal
pantiless fun
bound and whipped
no panties slut punish
forced masturbation
bdsm blog

Just like with Mistress DM's journal.....anything that is searched for of sexual nature is probably not really found all that much in my journal. Like pantiless fun. I know I mention that I don't wear panties...but it is not enough to hmm be the information someone really is searching for lol

My nightmare was so strange......not normal nightmare for me. This one contained people I know today...instead of from my past.

I am surfing...and I found an article and I agree with it for the most part. Not going to talk about it at all because most people would not agree with it. But it did make me remember a journal entry - in my hand written journal on Feminism. Well, what feminism is to me. I remember when I moved here and stayed at home being basically a housewife. I liked it really - except that I lived with people that were.....pretty inconsiderate. Such as one person that lived with us - spilled pop and it was next to my computer and started to run under the keyboard and she just sat there. I said are you going to clean that up she said later. It was liquid...not just liquid....coke...regular coke. And she was just sitting there. I got up and went the kitchen got a wet cloth and a towel and proceeded to clean it up. She felt I was rude by getting in her way. I thought I was saving my computer.

I remember going home at Christmas and my cousin asked me what I was in job. And I told her I stay at home. That I was basically a housewife. And she had this forlorn look on her face and said why. Well, the first answer was because Kam wanted me too. Which of course just made her even get a worse look on her face that I was doing something a MAN wanted. And then of course when I said I liked it she did not believe me as Kam had told me to stay home....she acted like I was forced. She knew nothing of our lifestyle. I was not forced, as I wanted to please my Master. But of course there was no choice either since he was my Master and I was the slave.

Maybe I should dig that entry out and type it up. I think I will :)

I am going to go to is the Tuesday This and That.....

1. Charcoal or gas BBQ grill?
Gas BBQ Grill

2. Beach or pool?

3. Sneakers or sandals?

4. Sunblock or suntan lotion?
Sunblock I am very fair skinned so definitely sunblock

5. Iced tea or iced coffee?
Well, neither... but if I had to pick I'd say iced coffee because I like coffee flavoring but not coffee. I can't stand or iced.

6. Touristy beach town or quiet camping trip?
touristy beach town....not a camping girl

7. Theme park or baseball game?
Neither but if I have to pick baseball game.

8. One or two-piece swimsuit?
I wore a 2 piece up until I started gaining weight and then I did not own a swimsuit until last year when I went to Germany and that was a one piece.

9. Bicycling or rollerblading?

10. It's 95 degrees outside. Do you prefer to go outside in the heat, or stay in and hide behind the air-conditioner?
in the air conditioning

Tuesday, May 28, 2002

Go To Bed

Music: Vertical Horizon

Just a quick note as I was told to go to Nick. So, I updated the site to put a who's who list that is permanent and will get updated periodically. And I also moved the mood indicator for Mistress DM as she views things with graphics off so this way it does not interfere with the journal layout as much. Also I switched to weekly archive as it seemed that Blogger has been losing the monthly one for me a lot lately. So, I will probably switch it back to monthly after a while as I like it that way better.

Lots swarming around in my head....probably because today was really stressful. And money is finally becoming an issue with me. I had been doing okay not working but now it is not becoming easy and actually might have to cancel some things I was going to do with the groups because of it. I mean I am surviving and rent will be paid next month but other bills are going to be one of those months if something does not come through where I rob Peter to pay Paul.

Anyway enough about that as I am not happy thinking about it.

Going to bed as told to....anyone who I owe emails sorry for not getting them to you.....but being a good girl for now :)

Monday, May 27, 2002

Friday Five

I know a little

1. What's the last vivid dream that you remember having?

The last vivid dream I had was of Todd and myself - the last time were together.

2. Do you have any recurring dreams?

Yes, but I actually have not had it since hmmm July or August. It is of my house. Well, not of an actual house but a house that has been in my dreams for a very long time. I think actually I started dreaming of this house shortly after Morgan died. So that was 15 years ago I feel old.

It is a house where people come and go, but I am a constant and the house is the same except for the occasional redecoration lol but like Morgan is in the dream but not as a person but in things. I look in the house and see her in things that are special to me. Honey has been in the house living with me. And her son when he is about 12. Mistress DM has been in house where she sat in the living room visiting me and I served her tea on a silver tray kneeling before her. I have dreams where Danny and I were making love in the bedroom. I had dreams where Jim and I were in the bathroom talking and kissing. Dreams were Brian and I come stumbling in the room laughing...laughing so hard I am crying and then kiss and end up on the floor making love. Di has been in the house just visiting also. Jackie lived in the house. I converted the bottom level of my art studio into an art studio for her. And Todd was on the porch, but never in my house. And after he left I have never dreamed of the house again.

3. What's the scariest nightmare you've ever had?

Scariest nightmares I have are of my past.

4. Have you ever written your dreams down or considered it? Why or why not?

Yes, some of them I have written down. I will send Nick snippets of dreams I have. I write them down because they stick with me so much that it seems like I need to. When they don't, they don't get written down.

5. Have you ever had a lucid dream? What did you do in it?

Okay I had this answered...but now I am not sure *exactly* what is lucid dreaming. I am not sure as I was having a discussion with someone that said it was when you consiously enter the dream. And I always thought it was when you dream where it was hard to tell what is real and what is not real.

So answering the first way.....
yes, I have.......dreams where I.....try to change some things in my past. they start and then I consciously stick myself in them to change the outcome. sometimes it works other times it does not.

And now the second...

Yes, about 50% of the dreams I remember.....seem so clear and real. They seem to have clear meaning also.

Sunday, May 26, 2002

A Few More Things

Music: a mix of sixpence, tori amos, vanassa carlton, michelle branch and innocence mission

Topics: This weekend, Dominant=Responsibility, Playing.....and maybe a few more things....

Well, this weekend was really good. I saw some very special things go on that I am sure others were not even aware of....and it was so beautiful and intense.

I do have to say there are other things that got on my nerves, but oh well lol Life goes on ya know? lol And the over all experience for the weekend is something I will not forget for a very long time. Goddess Lakshimi is up there with the best of the best.

The main message that Lakshimi seemed to emphasis all weekend long is that Dominant=Responsibility. And I can't tell you how much that just made me so happy to hear. Being a Dominant when it is easy and fun is not D/s. That is being a wannabe or the other countless name we as a community gave them at one of her discussions on Saturday. (The example I gave was the “Can you feel my presence Dominant” *grin*)

These are my opinions but I think many submissives are enhancing their Master's lives but where is there Dominant enhancing the submissive's? I mean it is a Power EXCHANGE!

As I think I already wrote I have seen so many Dominants leave their submissive when a crisis hits the submissive's life, or the Dominant only comes around when it is convenient for them and they want something such as to play or have a sexual need fulfilled. And Lakshimi although VERY Dominant and wants what she wants when she wants it - she associates Dominant with responsibility. Dominant = Responsibility. And I know many Dominants that say they know this but I really can only think of like a handful in this community that get that and more importantly *live* it. Lisa's husband is one of them. And the others I will let them wonder who they are :)

I know that people probably look at Lisa and her husband as very vanilla but they are more D/s then most of the couples I know in the lifestyle.

Notice I said D/s not BDSM also. D/s to me is the mental and emotional bond that forms between a Dominant and submissive. It is the day in and day out serving. It is the day in and day out Dominance and submission that is just there but most vanilla people would not see it. BDSM to me is the kinky fun stuff - the bondage, flogging, caning, and so on.

Next topic…I sometimes don't talk about relationships that are starting or going on with me because it feels like at times it can jinx them lol There have been people I write about and then shortly after writing about them something happens where we are not able to keep the relationship going how it was previously.

Anyway, so I state this with great trepidation......

There is someone I have been talking to.....about playing with here in Cleveland. Okay, I said it and I am still alive... lets see what happens now lol

The thing about this Dominant is he plays I think as hard as I play. He, I think, will equal getting into my mind as someone else did in my life and play as hard as the Sadist did. But the difference between him and the Sadist though this man seems to "want" to get to know me and get in my head like Kevin did (there said that name...that I have not said in a long time). I truly felt like just a "thing" with the Sadist. And to make “it” even go deeper....that thing that I need to feel will only be unlocked if you get in my head by getting to know *me*. So, this could get tricky.......*IF* it happens. :)

Another problem, I am having is that most people who contact me about playing, I just feel blah with....I mentioned this to Monseigneur E just the other day. I want to play....I mean I have not played since Sept. 4th.....and I am a masochist and a you know that is a long time for me. But part of me wants the other stuff....the D/s things so much that the playing does not even sound fun. Yes, me saying BDSM does not sound fun lol The other thing is I want the D/s and the BDSM from Nick so much that playing with anyone else just sounds like boring. There are really only 2 other people that it does not sound blah with and this person I talked about above it does not - but I am holding back with him. And he has called me out on that. I don't know why I am holding back though. The other person I don't feel blah about is Monseigneur E but if I was there.....I would be SO scared lol I know what he is capable of.....and that is very scary for me not on just a BDSM level. He would hit lots of other levels and that frightens me lol

I am going to stop babbling..........for now lol

Thinking of one of my many favorite quotes.....

"Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional." ~ Hermann Witt

Saturday, May 25, 2002

Friday night update

Music: Sixpence

Topics: Friday night update

Okay, well, I have been home for hours and I am still hyper.

Tonight, I went to a submissive meeting that was just so amazing. Carpe Diem is having Goddess Lakshimi talk this weekend. She came a night early to talk a group of submissives. It was truly amazing. She is so real. She gets that it is "relationship" - that is not about one person or the other but both. Anyway, strange as this may sound she gave me hope. I mean Nick is a very much like that also - now - here online and the phone. I believe he is going to be like that in person to but in person all things are different. But anyway, she gave me hope in Dominants and in D/s. I have been so frustrated with Dominants and the lifestyle. There are only a handful of Dominants that I truly respect and admire and she has now been added to that list.

I am very much a person that at times I can jump into a discussion because they have been thoughts that have been formulated and thought out long ago but if they are new to me…I don't comment. I just sit and absorb. And a lot of what Goddess Lakshimi talked about tonight was like that. Yes, it was all just real everyday relationship stuff. But maybe that is why it took time to absorb. I mean I have talked about that relationship stuff is important, but maybe I have felt all this time that I was just talking to air about it. That no one got it and to really sit there and absorb and know that someone got it. And maybe not just someone but a Dominant. When she said it, I heard it differently or something. And as I thought about it - I felt a click inside. It so great :)

I count myself blessed to have heard her talk.

Next topic....I saw good friends tonight. Lisa was there and we discussed going to the Melissa Etheridge Concert. I would love to go but the tickets are $83 and that is something right now I am not sure I have the money for that. :( Even though it would be a lot of fun to go.

I talked to Nick when I came home from the meeting tonight. I was so hyper. I know he was like you are not saying anything that I do not know and he said before I could say it - he said you are not talking D/s you are talking just relationship things. And I was like YES! I am sure he was like okay duh lol But he also understood that in the D/s community - there are many Dominants that don't think on it as a relationship but that basically they want blow jobs on demand and maid service. I know so many Dominants that have left their submissives during crisis and were only there when they wanted things and it was convenient to for them. But Nick is not that way even now.... I mean he is the man I can call at 3am in the morning crying, he is the man that calls me to check on me when I am sick knowing I might not be able to talk and he just talks to let me know he is there for me, he is the man that does not torment me sexually or bdsm wise when I am sick, he is the man that worries about me when I putting myself in a potential situations where a person could hurt me again....I am very lucky. I know that.

Yes, I go back and forth with that I don't think he puts me in his life that much but he does for as much as he can right now with us being so far from each other. f in person, it were to be the same then we will have to have a talk. But for now, I can't be complaining at all because he has been there for me more then most Dominants I have had in person. Sad but true.

I better get to bed. I have to be up fairly early to do some errands and such before heading to Akron for the day.

Friday, May 24, 2002


Music: Vanessa Carlton

Topics: Haircut, the 23rd...update of life...

Well, I got about 4 inches of haircut off Thursday evening....yes truly…and I did not cry lol I actually like it a lot. It is bouncy and fun. My hair is so long though most probably will not even notice...or that is what Kam said lol I think I will get some layers put into it next time.

This week has been boring for me but after last week I am glad. I have been just taking it easy as it was my period this week so fun fun...not!

I spent some of the 23rd thinking of the 23rd last year......and I did not get sad at all! I was happy about that. :) Actually that was still a really good time for Todd and I. He did pretty much everything right then. I was punished that day, he and I were intimate, he met Di, we shared some very personal hard things with each other,....the list could go on. It was just a very special day even though I was punished. I am glad he punished made it feel like he cared about me....cared enough to punish me. Anyway, the day was very special in unique ways.

This weekend is going to be very busy. I am not going to my parents. I am staying in town but there is a submissive meeting on Friday and then Carpe Diem on Saturday.

I have been missing the Daddy little girl thing more and more lately. It is something I keep meaning to talk to Nick about....not that it is going to get I don't think Nick is going to get it. Well, that is not true....I think he will get it. It just is not going to be his thing.

Well, I should get to bed, as I need to be up early and go run some errands.

Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you're alive, it isn't. -- Richard Bach

Thursday, May 23, 2002


I just looked the date as I posted the Thursday Threesome.....I know what one person is thinking about today. And now me too lol This day last year has so many FIRSTS for many.

Thursday Threesome

Thursday Threesome

Onesome. Readin. Tell me about your favorite book you read as a kid.

I loved The Boxcar Children. I loved reading the series and would read them over and over and over again.

Twosome. 'Ritin. Everyone does a Senior Research paper. What was YOUR Senior Research Paper about?

Well, did not graduate from College but the biggest research paper I did was on a painting called Seven Deadly Sins by George Groz. It was a lot of fun for me actually...i know know....i said fun doing a research paper.

Threesome. 'Rithmatic. Using those 'rithmatic skills to balance the, what store seems to have the most entries in your register, and what the heck have you been buying there?

The grocery store looks like the number one Tops. And what have I been buying there hmm Groceries lol

Perfectly Me

Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and try to be that perfectly. -- St. Francis de Sales


Music: Sarah MacLachlan ~ Touch

Buffy Spoilers Ahead :)

Well, my first comments are on Buffy Tuesday night. WOW!!! I loved was a great Buffy to me.

If you have not seen it yet and don't want spoilers then stop reading lol

The story kind of focused on all of them was great. It was not focused one person even though I thought Evil Willow would be the Dominant focus. Lots of things happened……Dawn growing up. (Because of course I relate to her at times so it is nice to see her grow means maybe I will lol maybe! I said maybe lol) Buffy it seems has pushed passed the depression and wants to live. And also sees what her purpose for being back is. Giles being on this one...was GREAT. Oh, how I miss him. And they...Buffy and Anya…. were like little girls running to Daddy's arms. I liked that of course......missing my own Daddy/little girl thing. Spike wow...and I just thought he wanted the chip out to be back to his big bad self. Next season should be interesting wit him....and Buffy and him having a soul now.

Willow's rage and grief.... knowing how it feels to lose someone that you are in love with.... that in love with..... I can understand the rage and grief. Her rage is hard for me to understand as I just keep that so under lock and key.... It is very hard for me to let it out and express it. I can much easier then I used to be able to. But the grief. I remember those months after Morgan's death. I felt like I was a walking zombie. I just went through the motions. And turned to Jim and let him be the safe place...I knew he would never hurt me - as in leave or abandon me.

I liked some of the cool effects they had with the Evil Willow. I liked how she also talked about her 6 years as being a sidekick. And telling Dawn how whiny she was. That was interesting. Dawn is whiny…..I never whined as teenager but I do now lol The princess in me. - Which just reminded me of Nick calling me his lil princess the other night but leaving out one other word he slipped in there lol

Back on topic…I just wonder how they are going to resolve Evil Willow killing people next year. Will she go to jail? (LOL no one ever goes to jail on Buffy well except Faith.) How is Willow going to deal with that guilt? And then still just starting the grieving process with Tara really since she just jumped into that rage with both feet instead of the grief.

My favorite part though was the end.... Xander saving everyone was just perfect. He is the only one that has always been "normal" as in no super power. I really thought that scene could have ended up corny...mushy corny. But it turned out really really good. He was saying, "I love you" to Willow and he just kept saying it even though she would hurt him each time he said it...but he would get up and start again. There was this one point, I said out loud say her name...say her name. And the next "I love you" was "I love you Willow." Names are important. I have learned that one very well...from Ray and Kevin. They both use my name - and how they use my name...always makes it real. Makes me realize it is me they are talking to not just anyone.

The song that played at the end was by Sarah McLachlan and the song is "Prayer of St. Francis" but I'm not sure what CD it's on and going to have to try to find out if I can find it. I really liked it. Just a little from it..."where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy."

I was trying to figure out when I started watching Buffy so I went to because it lists the episodes from each season and a little synopsis. I have not seen so many even with the repeats I watch on FX.

Anyway, I started watching season 3 but it was very sporadic. Season 4 - I was more dedicated but still missed quite a bit. And season 5 - I was more loyal but hard to still watch every episode but that was because of my job mostly. And then I have been very loyal this year. I am not sure I missed any this season. (Just looked I missed on the one titled Dead Things from Feb 5th.)

Some articles I have read about Buffy the last 2 days... Some things I agree with and others I don't...

Two to Go/Grave: Half and Half by Jen Sonstein

A spoiler for next year and yes it is a spoiler not sure how it is setting with me...

When Britney Meets Buffy

Buffy finale slays its loyal fans

Buffy Star Wants Monster Break

Buffy's Annus Horribilis

Angel...I watch too but not as religiously.... was okay this season. Both Buffy and Angel I don't think were as good as they have been in past seasons. Now, after seeing Buffy in Season 1 and 2.... Those are my favorites.

Side tracked….but I found this when reading articles about Buffy and is a quote that I liked....

"Okay, so he survived an unspeakable hell dimension, who hasn't? You can't just leave him alone in the streets of Los Angeles." Fred expressing concern for Connor on "Angel."

Tuesday, May 21, 2002

Good Friends

I just wanted to thank all the friends lately who have written me or called me saying "come live here with me" and find a job here. Right now it feels so good to have so many good friend and so many possibilites available to me. I could be living in Washington, Arizona, Minnesota, Georgia, Texas, Kansas, and a few more. Some of the friends have not even known me that long either and to invite me to stay in their home is amazing. One friend from Georgia....she and I got to know each other recently because I was trying to find some info on someone lol And I found her linked to him. So it we got to know each other and she has been a great friend and lots of support.

Anyway Thank you everyone....maybe I will take someone up on it someday but right now I like Ohio.


Horoscope for May 21
LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): During the month ahead, you Librans will have many opportunities to grow in ways that stretch you beyond your own self-made boundaries. As the Sun moves through airy Gemini, it harmonizes with your own air sign, Libra. If you don’t actually take a trip, you will, at least travel in your mind as you journey to new ideas, learn new philosophies or study metaphysics and religion.

tuesday this or that

this is an old tuesday this or that because i did not like today's.....

1. For gals: Panties -- Thongs, bikinis, or briefs?
How about none....I would prefer to not wear any.....if not then bikinis.

2. For guys: Briefs, boxers, or boxer briefs?
And for me I like......Boxer Briefs are my favorite but I also like boxers.

3. Movable Type, Blogger, or Greymatter?
Blogger of course!

4. Rabbits or hamsters?
Rabbits....I remember Honey's Rabbit....and darn I can't remember the name right now.

5. Electric or gas home?

6. Mud between your toes: comforting or disgusting?
It is not really either unless... I am wearing shoes and it seeps up through shoes then disgusting.

7. Question mark or exclamation point?
Question mark as I ask lots of questions. :)

8. Is it hot where you live? Yes or no?
No, Ohio is not hot.

9. Is your monitor currently dusty? Yes or no?
No, I actually dusted it off this morning.

10. Would you rather have an abundance of love, sex, or money in your life?
love of course...

Drinking the Mountain Stream

Just as fog is dispelled by the strength of the sun
and is dispelled no other way,
preconception is cleared by the strength of realization.
There's no other way of clearing preconceptions.
Experience them as baseless dreams.
Experience them as ephemeral bubbles.
Experience them as insubstantial rainbows.
Experience them as indivisible space.

-Milarepa, "Drinking the Mountain Stream"

Monday, May 20, 2002

Weekend Update

Music: Celtic Mix

Topic: Weekend Update

This weekend was actually a VERY good weekend. I was so worried about all that was going on that it would just be so intense that it would bring me down.

Everyday I was busy from the time I got up to the time I went to bed.

Friday was packed full of people to see and things to do. I worked on several things for the meeting on Saturday night and then I tried to call Michael before going to bed on Friday but long story short that did not happen. So, I went to bed and then got up WAY to early to do some laundry and clean up a little bit before heading out shopping with a friend. After that came home did a few things to be prepared for the meeting and play party that night and then left again to go meet someone I had never met and was kind of nervous about. She is very nice and we had a nice time shopping. I came home and got ready to go to dinner with a bunch of friends before going to the bdsm meeting and party.

The meeting was great...the speakers were great. Everyone seemed to really enjoy themselves and get good information. So I was happy about that.

After that we went to a play party. And the hostess was someone who I am a friend with.....her and I talk on the phone at least once a week but we had not really seen each other since before I was it was GREAT seeing her. She looked fantastic and we laughed so much and had so much fun just talking about old times together.

It did not dawn on me until today that we were laughing a lot and I hope we were not too loud disturbing the scenes going on.

Then Sunday I was up early for a web committee meeting. It was so beautiful outside. It was funny all the songs on the radio on my way to the meeting were so appropriate for the day to me. I then came home for a little bit and talked to friends online and then talked to Nick on the phone. He was worried about me doing what I was going to do and did not want me to get hurt. I assured him that I felt great. I felt better then I have in a long time. That I felt calm too. I was not nervous or upset at all. So that surprised me. So I went and did the thing I needed to and then went to dinner with friends, as they were worried about how things would go. So I had a great day ending with good friends. I called Nick before I went to bed....he answered the phone saying is this a good call or a bad one...I said great call :) He was happy.

He and I got in a discussion of the death penalty last night lol His views and my views different but as he said last night we agree to disagree. Only thing that bothers me is that he so into politics that I don't feel I am going to be a good person to have a conversation with him. I mean he will mention people I have no idea who they are - I tell him I don't know. I am not scared or embarrassed to say I don't know that person or what he is talking about but it bothers me that maybe we won't be able to have any political conversations. I mean we do lots so hopefully that won't be a problem.

Well, I am going to sign thing about having a busy weekend....I am SO tired today. But I had nothing planned today but I am in the process right now of tearing my house apart. So that is what I am doing fun fun lol I am spring cleaning late lol

Sunday, May 19, 2002

Pain is Love

I feel free.....tonight.

Todd asked me once "If pain is love what is love?"

Love is pain. I don't think love is just pain I think it is joy, understanding, trust, intimacy and so much more.


This weekend has been busy and still not over........

It has been intense and still going to get even more intense.....

I am exhausted...I will write more tomorrow...cheerio :)

Friday, May 17, 2002


Horoscope for May 18th

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): It’s not that you’ve been immune from change over these last months (you’ve been doing your share of it, for sure!), but mostly it is change for the better. In fact, you Librans have been on an incredible ride for the past few years—a ride with some unexpected twists and turns. The ante is high these days and the ride isn’t over. You’ll come out of this with a whole new lease on life.


Music: U2 ~ Mix of lots of different songs from different CD's

Running Running Running.....

The last 2 days have been really busy for me. Still not a bad thing though. I really have liked being busy lately. It has really helped pull me out of the black hole I felt like I was in.


I am not even sure I can tell you what I did but I felt like I was going all day. Then late last night I was restless after a few phone calls that were not pleasant so I painted. Yes, actually painted. It was fun but will probably be painted over or added too. Not sure yet. I then read some...I have just started reading Paulo Coehlo’s The Pilgrimage. It is good so far and things they are talking about I would like to research some....history things. I feel asleep and then woke up with a nightmare. I signed online and wrote Nick a letter that I have not sent but as I was writing I just had a feeling to check yahoo to see if he was online and he was....and he had his cam installed.

I have see only one picture of him. It was when he was still in the military and he is in his BDU's and has sunglasses on. As he was sending me an invite to view......I got very very nervous for some reason. And then I clicked yes to view and there he was........

It was so nice to SEE him. He is very handsome. Actually pretty much the same, as he looked in his pictures only now I saw his eyes...and glasses..... yummy! :)

So he and I chatted online for actually about 3 hours online. It was nice.

He then gave me an order to do something. Something I am not sure I am thrilled about, but want to please him. So, it will get done. I told him of my unease, but he told me it was not an option to not go through with it. And that surprised me too.

He also told me something last night that surprised me. He was teasing and tormenting me online last night and he said we have not done this in a while and I was like yeah. He said he had not because I had been sick. It surprised me. You know how many times I have had sex when I had a migraine - hell when I had the stomach flu just because it was what former Owner's wanted. And I am not screaming or using the "I have a headache excuse" please.......I usually I am the one that wants more sex then my partner. So, to actually have someone who thought of me......was really nice for a change.

So we were online late talking and then I got up in the morning with a phone call waking me up. It was cute because the person knows that 1) we screen our calls and 2) our phone is in one room so if we are in others you need to give us about 30 seconds to get to it so talk for 30 seconds or we won't get there in time. So this friend was counting and then he finally said something like I am not going to count anymore but how he said it was very Dominant lol and I woke up out of a sound sleep. I had been sleeping until then. So even in my sleep I respond to Dominance lol

Today, I went to Star Wars Episode II with some friends. I really liked it. I liked for reasons I am sure guys won't like it - the romance in it. Natalie Portman looked VERY good :) I liked finding out things too...I mean why things happened the way they did in Star Wars IV, V, VI (that is 6 right lol not remembering roman numerals at this time).

I then got home tonight as I was gone out all day with friends and worked on some things for SMART. And wrote a few emails not enough though and signed on yahoo and Nick was on and so we talked for 2 hours online.

I have had a few people interested in playing with me lately and I had not really asked him about it because he always says the same thing....."if you want to....go for it as long as it is safe." Well, tonight I just told him about one person and he asked me some questions. And then said that I could play. I "could" play. Not you can if you want. That I "could." That was not usual that surprised me.

I think I am going to have to send Nick the email I wrote him last night that I did not send. I don't want to but...uggh I am in my phase of frustration...with not having met him yet with not knowing for much. Which seems to also be coinciding with my need for pain.

Changing subjects....

This weekend I am dreading.......

Friday will be busy for me. Saturday will be very busy - shopping, dinner, SMART, play party. And then Sunday is a meeting and then I have something else I need to do that day too. Sunday is also the 19th so I am sure I will not a happy camper. Plus on top of it I should get my period that day - woo hooo NOT! lol

I am having some anxiety over meeting someone this weekend. I am sure she is having more though - going from other experiences in my life when this type of situation was happening. But I am sure it will go fine.

While I was online with Nick.....I got a phone call but I did not recognize the phone was from out of state so I did not answer it. It was Michael. I have not talked to him since just before I got sick. I have been thinking about him LOTS and LOTS so I am glad he called and I am going to give him a call back tomorrow night. But the number that showed up on my caller id shows him in another not sure he is on vacation or what....maybe something with school. He is a professor. Anyway, I will call him tomorrow and tell him I miss him. Because I do...very very much.

You know you have people come into your life for a reason and sometimes you got to make sure they don't slip away....because it happens for a reason. There are just too many things with Michael And yes I care about Nick is very frustrating at times. He does not....offer commitment - yes we have not met and even seen but....not sure I can explain it. It is like when I said I love him here and the emails I sent. He can't even face them. That is my perception at least. Denial seems to be how he is handling them. Tonight in our im....he showed me Molly his dog.....on the cam. And he said she was his vanilla pride and joy....soooo what do you think I said lol.....I said and do you have a bdsm pride and joy. And his come back was let me get with my lawyer and get back to you. Which has been his response in similar things where he would have to "claim" me. Yet on the other hand there is times he makes me feel VERY much like I am his.

I can't remember when it was......or what we were even talking about specifically but I said something about not being his and he came back with yes you are. It was so strong and firm. And I said well not technically and he came back with something like almost - in more ways then you realize. And it surprised me so much.

I am just confused to night.....babbling and I am sure I will be back into my headspace where Nick is the greatest person on earth tomorrow. I keep him up on such a high pedestal sometimes I just have to kind of test it I guess.

Wednesday, May 15, 2002

Just an update on life basically

Music: Madness ~ the very best of madness

Topic: Just an update on life basically

Well, right now I am busy and slightly more motivated.....

I am working on like 3 things at once - trying to get to emails that need to be answered for projects, redesigning a brochure and then working on a logo for someone. Anyone that has wrote personal emails to me...know I will get back to you as soon as I can. I have this little free program that creates sticky notes for your desktop you should see all my notes lol

Yesterday, I had a LONG LONG talk with Monseigneur E. It was very interesting...lots of varying topics some which I want to write about. One thing we talked about love and the Master/slave relationship. It is something I go back and forth with internally....if it can really and to be M/s in the way that I see it. I know that in one of my past relationships things changed drastically when my Master fell in love with me. And I would say is one reason I asked to be released. I mean there is so much more to it but....the dynamics changed so much and then mix in all the other things that went on...*sigh* Anyway, I had good conversation with Monseigneur E. I had missed talking to him. We had not talked in a very long time because I was sick. And then when I came back online him and his slave were in the process of moving so were offline for a while. So that is the first time we have probably talked in 2 months.

Well, I just wanted to do a quick update...and then get back to work.....

He who wants a rose must respect the thorn. - Persian proverb

Tuesday, May 14, 2002

This or That

This is last weeks Tuesday This and That but I don't think this weeks are up yet and if they are...oh well but I liked last weeks and did not do it...sooooo I am now.....

1. This or that?
This....This because I am always right lol....Or so I am told a lot.
2. Could or should?
hmm torn on that one right now want to answer both.....but I will go with Could.
3. Want or need?
Need....Needs because right now I am lacking needs that I have and they are what is most important to me....more important then the wants. The wants are fun but needs are more important to me right now.
4. Right or left?
Left of course.....because I am left handed.
5. Up or down?
Up....only place to go....
6. Do or don't?
Do....I want to do.......I want to do things in life with life.....
7. Talk or listen?
8. Sleep or play?
Play of course there is always time for sleep someday....:)
9. Highlight or underline?
10. Marry or merry?
lol I guess marry and I can't believe I am saying that.

Going to go watch Buffy....I will be back later to maybe post some things that I was chatting about with Monseigneur E.....


Music: No Doubt


In talking about ideal start to a relationship for me...D/s relationship. I can see where people would think that I don't want D/s or that I am not submissive. But D/s is so not a role to me it is like I forget to talk about it at times.....because it is just there. Just like I don't talk about art really all that much because it is just there for me. Just like I don't want a Dominant who has to think about it and put it on like it is piece of clothing. I want it there part of the vary threads that makes up the whole tapestry of who he is…as a person.

I have been craving pain a lot lately.

I am a strong, intelligent, opinionated woman (yes despite what sometimes comes out in my journal) and what is it in me that makes me want to be humiliated and degraded and used in extreme ways? To be a hole? To be something less then human? To feel the pain and suffer for the person that does this to me? To feel fear and excitement in anticipation? To feel the control over me? To feel the power over me? To know I get in that place where I would do anything my Dominant says?

To hurt and suffer and FEEL. To FEEL something I don't feel anyplace else then when I feel the pain of being used, humiliated and degraded.

It is so hard to explain why I want the things I do. And basically I don't explain. I have stopped trying to explain. I have just accepted that it is a need in me. I remember Todd asking me several times why I wanted the pain. He wanted to understand why and I understood why he did but he could not just accept the fact that I needed it and that was it. That is all that really was needed to be known.

**side note* Probably going to write about Todd a lot this week - as he is on my mind since Sunday is the 19th and it was a year ago on the 19th that I met him for the first time in real life. I am hoping that I will be kicking him out of my head more this week. Notice I said more - I don't think I will ever get him all the way out. But I really don't want too. **

When I crave pain it will start out just a little feeling in me. And then the longer it goes without being satiated - the more it aches in me. There is this place deep inside me - dark. The images just flash uncontrollably at times. It is like there is an animal in me...that is trying to claw its way out to the surface. If I go to long without the pain, my skin feels like it is on fire and when someone touches me I jump as if someone has come up and poked that animal trying to claw its way out - startling it. The fire just burns so hot when that happen.

I have not played since Sept 4th and I am not sure if my life has been too hectic to notice or too stressed or what not, but I went a long time without even thinking about it all that much. But lately, it has changed. It is back that fire prickling to the surface....ready...needing. I get to a point where it feels like I am on that edge that nothing can stop me from getting the thing I need.....I crave, so that the animal in me quiets down and does not feel so cornered.

After the is incredible the things that happen. A transformation of sorts. It is like a good therapy session to me. I sometimes cry and sometimes not but always always I feel like a weight has been lifted off me and I can focus on the big stuff and not sweat the small.

It’s like it is a cleansing of my get way down deep into the part of me that seeks answers...seeks the why I am like I am.....but I do it in a primal way with the pain. I find the answers in the total release of all boundaries and walls of daily life. I am in that moment free.

Fierce Oppostion

Horoscope for Tuesday - May 14th

LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): In spite of what you see in the news—and in fierce opposition to what the facts are telling you—you are pretty optimistic. It’s not that you aren’t paying attention to what’s going on. You are. It’s not that you are self-delusional. You are not. It’s just that you have an undying sense that it’s all going to get better. The rest of us think you are gullible, but we are hoping you are right.

Monday, May 13, 2002

Convo with Nick

Music: No Music - TV on

Topic: Convo with Nick

I feel like I could write a book tonight. My mind is on extra overload today. My thoughts jump from one thing to the next.

Monday I signed online and was checking something and found out Nick had been online - long story how I knew that but anyway I knew he had. So I opened my email next and there was nothing in my box from him. Kam and I were just about to eat dinner and I started crying as soon as I looked into the email box. I could not stop. I went to the bathroom to get my back together and then ate.

I knew Nick would call tonight.

He Basically just to say he is alive.

The other day I wrote about I just wanted Nick to say everything is okay after an email I sent him. And after talking to him tonight I am not sure everything is okay. I mean yes he still is calling and yes he wants me but I have the distinct impression my email scared him. Tonight he said something and I said something like - "it is one of the reasons I like you." He said, "You think that scares me" and I said, "no." He then said, "You can't scare me" and I said something like, "oh yes I can." He ended that part of the conversation with, "lets not go there tonight."

I guess the "L" word scared him.

Ideal Starting

Music: Mix CD

Topic: Ideal Starting

I was talking to a Dominant yesterday about what would be my ideal in meeting a Dominant and having the start of a relationship. And I described I described it and read back my words, I realized I was describing the beginning part of my relationship with Todd. It was very similar. I had a taste of what I dreamed of and to have it and then to find out it was an illusion was very hard on me. I am still dealing with it...Nick probably being the first to say that Todd still has a part of me. When Nick said that first time, anger swelled in me. I was so mad. Mad that at first because Nick could say such a thing to me knowing how I feel about him and then realism set in and I was mad was true. F*ck *scrunches up face and makes icky faces* lol

I see what Todd "offered" in the beginning is my dream - but the reality with him was not my dream - FAR FAR FAR from it.

Anyway here is what I said to the Dominant that asked me about the start of my ideal relationship......

I would want someone that if we met online to email and talk online quite a bit....getting to know each other. And then move to talking to on the phone quite a bit and dates. We would go to dinner, or for a diet coke/coffee and just talk and talk and talk and talk. Maybe go to movie, art museum, shopping, just hanging out. I would want to just do normal vanilla things. Because all that talking and getting to know each other will definitely to me - allow him to get in my head very easily - and allow me to get to know his wants, needs, likes and dislikes so that I can please him better.

Anyway, after several dates - the first time we spend a night together I would want to be soft and intimate. My views on this have changed so much over the years. I would want intimacy because really intimacy scares me more then anything BDSM he could do to me. And then I would want come next. I remember one relationship I had - He was my Dominant and our first sexual experiences he went down on me. I don't know many Dominants that do that - ones I have talked to view that as a submissive act. (uggghhhh) And we were together a few times before he let me please him sexually. Not for the lack of my trying LOL I wanted that man badly - which of course how he set things made me want him even more. Anyway, I would want sex next. And then.....I would want BDSM. My theory is if we can't be compatible in vanilla ways it does not matter if we are in BDSM ways. Because the foundation will be vanilla. Now, my terms of vanilla might be a little different then others. I would say I was vanilla with my husband - yet I deferred to him in all things. I did things to please and serve him - not because he was Dominant but because he was my was kind of a respect thing for me to show him my respect. Just like the man I described above that we did not have sex right away - no matter where we were we Dominant and submissive. Even though no one looking from the outside world could see that. He would have me do things that were hard in vanilla settings but nothing that no one would have ever noticed were hard for me. I treated him with respect.

I want someone who wants to possess all of me. I want someone that wants to know the artist, wants to know the person who gets passionate about books, art and music.....someone who wants to know the person who at home will put on a big men’s shirt - pull her hair up in a pony tail and snuggle up in bed to read or watch a video. I want someone to get to know all the parts of me - not just the painslut, masochist or slave.......I want someone to get in my head and possess me and that to me comes through getting to know the vanilla parts too.

Sunday, May 12, 2002


Music: Medwyn Goodall ~ Great Spirit

I have so much I should be doing right now and I am just very very unmotivated. I am tired but not tired. My mind is racing. I think I will read some mail and then go to bed......

"It is rewarding to find someone you like, but it is essential to like yourself. It is quickening to recognize that someone is a good and decent human being, but it is indispensable to view yourself as acceptable. It is a delight to discover people who are worthy of respect and admiration and love, but it is vital to believe yourself deserving of these things.

For you cannot live in someone else. You cannot find yourself in someone else. You cannot be given a life by someone else. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never leave or lose.

To the question of your life, you are the only answer. To the problems of your life, you are the only solution." ~ Jo Coudert

Saturday, May 11, 2002

Life Update

Music: Mix CD

Topic: Life update, Convo’s with Nick, Emotional Aspects of BDSM and so on…

This week has been incredibility busy for me…..which was not all bad. I had something to do everyday except Monday. Now I am behind on doing things for some of the committees I am on because I just was busy everyday with something.

I talked to Nick on Monday because I knew this week would be busy that we would not be able to talk much. We talked for about 2 hours about just stuff. I did not ask him about the email I sent him. Last night when talking to Mistress DM she said do you know if he actually got the email. And I was like wow...duh lol I mean about every 10 emails Nick does not get from it is quite possible he did not get that one. So last night I forwarded it to him again. And said I REALLY needed the answer to the questions in this email. I rambled a little bit and then sent it. I have not heard back but I know last night he was going out to do some things and then today he was going to Mexico with some friends for the day. So it might be tomorrow that I hear back on it - if not I guess I will have to actually break down and ask him about it lol

Yesterday, I was checking mail when the phone rang and it was Nick :) It was a really good and fun conversation. I hung up the phone bouncing off the walls. He made me feel very wanted. And because I have been stressing over that email he has not answered and being paranoid he did not want was nice to feel wanted. Though I want my email answered still because in the back of my mind until he does - there will be doubt so I need that insecurity stomped out. Nick knows that I have insecurities and he, a while back, told me if there is questions in your emails that needed answered right away to help squelch that insecurity - that to let him know and he would do everything possible to help. He does not want me to have insecurities with him. I do but he does help squelch them a lot - he is open and honest with me and just knows how to handle some things with me that others have not ever figured out. Anyway, in that email I had sent - I said this is one of those that needs to be answered as soon as possible so because that did not happen - that insecurity is still there.

Well, anyway hopefully that will be addressed by tomorrow - if not like I said I guess I will have to break down and ask him about it.

The phone call with him was good. We talked about the Sadist. I had the Sadist contact me the other night. Thursday night/Friday early morning was a really interesting night online - I had about 4 people message me that were either kind of.....not sure the word - odd - I guess lol and then people that I have not talked to in a long time. The Sadist being one of them. Anyway, I crave of course to play with the sadist again. He pushed me like no one has since probably I have been 18 years old. But Nick has forbidden me to play with the Sadist again. And the Sadist and myself discussed that in which he basically was telling me of course - that Nick did not want me to play with him again because Nick was insecure. That one made me laugh. I explained to him exactly why Nick does not want me to play with him, which of course he had an answer for also. And it was true the answer but of course that answer was not going to satisfy Nick and I knew that. Nick has not told me I can play or have sex with others. He basically is like - we have not met - you have needs I can't take care of yet - so you can take care of them - BUT safely. And he does not think playing with the Sadist is one of the safest things for me. Forbidding me to play with the Sadist is one of the only rules that Nick has really ever put on me. Even though there are other things that I just do naturally and I know he accepts.....and pumps his ego because he does not have to even ask or exert Dominance that he just is being himself and that inspires me to submit. Which is kind of cool :) Anyway, we talked about the Sadist on the phone and it was a good talk and he has not changed his mind. I knew he had not. I felt wanted before he and I started talking about the Sadist but after we talking about him - I definitely felt even more wanted. :) And that felt good.

I have been craving pain so much lately. And I want to play and have a several people actually that I could play with but....part of me holds back because of Nick. It is like I don't want to play with anyone but him. Even though I know that could be possibly another 4 months to 6 months. Yes, really....I am nuts. As I told the Sadist the other night....Nick is worth the wait. I look back in my life there is no way I would have waited this long for anyone. I rushed into everything and if I were to wait I would get insecure and go do things to sabotage things. And so far I have had those insecurities and thought about doing things to sabotage but I don't. And that is a really good feeling. Nick inspires me to be a better person.

Nick and I talked about my friends here and some of the things I did this week. I was going to go to the informal last night but 2 things came up that made it so I did not go. But those things did not come up before talking to him. So I had been talking about going to the informal and Nick said one day he will be dropping by to say hi to all my friends there. :) I told him that most people ask me about him....ask how he is and how we are and he was really surprised. He was like well say hi to everyone then lol And then said one day he would be saying hi in person to them all . That made me bouncy definitely lol

Despite being so busy this week and being upset about Nick not answering my email I have actually been really up and bouncy all week. I know that Kam would definitely say I was in a good mood this week. One thing that is good with Kam is - that if I am in a good mood - like overly good - where I am bouncy, laughing and very outwardly happy - he is too. And even though he annoyed me one day this week it did not affect things with me - I mean bring down my mood. All men that day seemed to annoy me - which I thought was kind of ironic as it was the Les group the next night and I felt God was trying to tell me something lol

I have lots of friends and something I realized this week is that I hold them at arms length now. And that is bothering me. I don't want that to happen. Moni is the only one that I don't do that with - but I do with her even at times but I have always done that. I have always had one friend that was closer and then the rest I would hold myself at arms length with to an extent but it seems like I am doing it more right now. And I know the reasons - it still annoys me.

I just was looking at a calendar because I was looking to see when I should go see my parents. My mom's birthday is at the end of the month and I usually go see her then. But that weekend that I usually go see her, there is so much going on here in Cleveland/Akron area that I don't want to go lol how nice huh? In looking at the calendar I saw it is someone's birthday today. Someone from my past - his child. I did not even really realize I had that birthday marked on my calendar. I probably would have remembered at some point today though.

Well on to other things :) This next week is slower for me but still busy - well hold on just looked at day planner - damn I have something everyday again this week lol Even a date lol

My mind is all over (surprise surprise)- I just opened my email box and there was email from a friend online who is Muslim. He is a very nice man and reading his email - he often uses Muslim phrases - He said inshallah, which means if God wills. And that made me think of Nick. Yesterday, when talking to him he was talking about something and he said inshallah and I was like what?!? lol he surprised me. But then I thought about his past "jobs" and was not surprised he knew some Arabic. That would be Nick. He knows a few languages already - French being the one that I hear the most from him since he grew up in France. It is so cool when he starts speaking French…..yummy!!! : )

At one of the meetings I was at this week - we talked about Emotional aspects of BDSM. And that was a really interesting discussion and it is something I am thinking about writing an article about. It led me to think about the emotional aspects of my relationships - and my relationships with men and women are so different. I can emotionally be very detached with men even though I crave so much not to be. But like I can go have a one night stand with a man and walk away and not have it affect me. Just had fun and let it be that. But with a woman....I can't have a one night stand.....I have to get to know a woman before I can sleep with her and I have to have feelings for her - with her to be able to sleep with her. When I was first starting back into BDSM, I had a Dominant call me a slut and I was very offended. My husband had called me that before and so I had negative reaction to it. But then later after hearing it more and more from that Dominant I realized how my husband called me a slut - and how this Dominant called me a slut - were 2 totally different ways. And so other words like that I started opening up to. When he would call me slut it would totally turn me on. Now, I can have men call me those names and they don't affect me - UNLESS - I care about them and have that connection where I feel they have authority over me. Like Nick - when he calls me slut - I definitely react and feel something - good things *grin* And there are a few other Dominants that I feel that with but - lets say a Dominant I am just friends with came up to me and playfully called me a slut. It is "role" then to me I am playing. With Nick - I feel it. Also, if a woman were to call me one of those names - such a slut. I would react differently then when a man was to do it. I have gotten better with it also but it is has been a slower process then with men. Like Jackie would sometimes call me a bitch and it would irritate me - but if Mistress DM does it does not because she has authority over me for one. If some other female Dominant were to call me a bitch though I probably would get irritated and just laugh it off though. I am not sure I am making sense.

Basically, with men I have different emotional reactions then I do with women.

Oh I am sure Mistress DM will find this interesting. I was just thinking about names Nick and well Monsignor E have called me and then those Mistress DM has....and thought of my reactions to them. I react differently. When the men call me those names - I feel a primal - animalistic feeling come to the surface.....I feel that slut in me release the things I hold back. But with Mistress DM - I feel demure and turned on but more demure and shy. Isn't that interesting? hmmmm

I finally watched Buffy last night. The only part that really bothered me and it did not bother me that much but enough - was when Spike was attacking Buffy. It was real enough to give me flashbacks. But they did not stay :) And that is VERY VERY good thing. I just read a few sites - blogger people - that I know watch Buffy. Some of the comments they are making about Buffy made laugh out loud :) Next weeks episode looks really really interesting since Willow is going to go all evil it looks to get back at Warren for killing Tara.

I need to get to some emails - so going to post this and maybe - hopefully write more later tonight.

A quote I found….

"Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love." ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Friday, May 10, 2002

Our Thoughts

All that we are is the result of our thoughts; it is founded on our thoughts and made up of our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. If you speak or act with a harmful thought, trouble will follow you as the wheel follows the ox that draws the cart.

All that we are is the result of our thoughts; it is founded on our thoughts and made up of our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. If you speak or act with a harmonious thought, happiness will follow you as your own shadow, never leaving you. ~ Dhammapada

Thursday, May 09, 2002

Asking Why?

Music: a mix of so many different things

Topic: Asking Why?, owned/serving

I am up for a few reasons - 1) I had a nightmare and of course can't get back to sleep. 2) men annoying me in my life 3) I had things to do

In between doing things I need to - I am reading mail....I have like 200 pieces of mail to get through. I am on a couple of big email groups. I had them turned off and recently turned them back on because I am missing the bdsm discussions and I am hoping it will give me inspiration to write a bdsm article.

Anyway one of the lists I am on is a TPE (Total Power Exchange) list. It is a fairly active list and I like it. In a thread going on there seems to be a lot of submissives that are saying they ask "why?" - that they question everything. I do that too. I have been in the past and still told that undermines a Dominant. I know a previous owner is going to have issues with anyone he is involved with when they ask why. Because I asked it so much (to him). And to me I had logical reasons why I asked why. I mean there was time he would have me do something and I would ask why. He would say something like this afternoon I am going to send you to bank. I would ask why because I knew the bank lobby was going to be closed and if he was needing something from the lobby I would want to tell him so I did not waste his time. What I have learned though in situations like that is to say ...why I am asking why. Now I would say the bank lobby is going to be closed this afternoon. And then he could adjust or not adjust according to his plans. It is hard to do that at times because to me it is just quicker and easier to ask why so then if he did not need me to go into the lobby then we don't have to go further and if he did then I can explain.

On another list they are talking about what inspires you to feel owned.

And that phrasing is not making sense to me really. What inspires me to serve I think would make it easier for me to answer. I don't think anything inspires to me to feel owned. I feel owned or I don't.

What inspires me to serve - or to submit.....

-- control and dominance - such as making me accountable, having some structure or making me see my time is not mine anymore, correcting me when I have done things wrong, helping me push through fears and ego things so that I let my will take over (because as I have said before my will is submissive part - it is just fear and ego that get in the way of my will).

But really that isn't it the person. The person inspires me to submit and serve.

Break Me

From The Official JEWEL website

Break me by Jewel

I will meet you in some place
Where the light lends itself to soft repose
I will let you undress me
But I warn you, I have thorns like any rose
And you could hurt me with your bare hands
You could hurt me using the sharp end of what you say
But I am lost to you now
There's no amount of reason to save me


So break me
Take me
Just let me fill your arms again
Break me
I'll let you make me
Just let me feel your love again

Feels like being underwater
Now that I've let go and lost control
Water kisses fill my mouth
Water fills my soul


Kiss me once
Well, maybe twice
Oh, it never felt so nice


Thursday 3some

The Thursday Threesome

Onesome. Hold Me. What's your first remembrance of holding an infant (or if you aren't into kids - a baby animal) ? Feel free to talk about other stand-out holding memories....

I know there were other times in my life that I held a baby but when I lived in Topeka with my ex-husband. We had very good friends that had a baby - a premature baby. And so they were not able to go out much during her first year because they had to be so careful about exposing her to other people - germs and such. So, it was shortly after her first b-day - Jim and I offered to take care of her while they went out of town for the weekend. So that is what happened. And I remember that weekend holding her. As I said I know I held babies before that but it was that weekend with Jim when I realized I could be a Mom. Yes, it would be hard but that I could do it. And that I wanted to be a Mom.

Twosome. Thrill Me. Up for a thrilling ride? Tell us, do you seek the thrill rides at the amusement park or is the carousel more your speed?

I do not like amusement parks. I think of Todd now also when I think of amusement parks, because of LONG conversation we had about them. I have a fear of amusement parks from something in my past. So a carousel is more my speed.

Threesome. Kiss Me. Come on - kiss and tell - at least, tell us about your first *real* kiss.

I think I am just going to talk about a memorable kiss. And that was the first time Morgan and I kissed. That was so incredible. It was like the whole world faded away and it was just her and I in the world.

I was at her place we were hanging out and talking and she leaned over to look at something I was writing. I looked up just as she was moving in to look....and she looked at me. That connection happened and we kissed. We had already actually had several "dates" before we even kissed....a *real* kiss.


Ugghhh MEN....

All the men in my life right now - friends and otherwise.....are ticking me off.

Wednesday, May 08, 2002

4am neurotic ramble

restless - lost - alone - trying to figure out what I need to do next. I don’t want to think about what comes next. It seems so muddled and then other times it seems so clear. I want it to just spill out and be right......there before me. I don't want to edit or backtrack. Life goes up and down and I am ready to just settle down and not have the chaos in my life with no edits, no rewrites, no backspacing.

Someone told me yesterday that is why I want to be with Nick. Because he is "normal." And will keep me grounded ,but of course they thought I would become bored and sabotage it - make it so he won't want to be with me.

I want him to want me the way I want him. And I am scared so scared he doesn't. I want him to wonder what I am doing and where I am and when will I get there to I do with him.

Is he there? Is it all real? Does it all matter?

I want to worry about different in my life. I want to worry about things with him. I want to worry about life as a submissive. I want to worry about life pleasing him.

Nick has talked to me about having a secret garden that no one sees and he sees into some of it. I want show him the entire garden. I want to run through life with him......I want to hear music I have never heard before because that music is heard with him for the first time. I want to see the colors of the world for the first time through his eyes. I want to look into his eyes and speak those unspoken words that spoke between lovers. I want to share his secrets. I want the key to see all those things he has never told anyone.....but I want to know him...I want to know everything. I want to be inside him as much as he is inside me.

I wrote him an email after expressing love for him in my blogger. It was hard to do - to open up that part of the secret garden to him. I wrote him and said I am being neurotic - that I just needed to hear "everything will be okay" after he read it. We have talked on the phone since but I have not got that “everything is okay.”

Because inside of me there is an 18 year old young woman that still believes she is the center of the universe and that the world turns to the beat of her heart. In my mind as her I am better then everyone else. ....In my mind as her I am strong, safe and loved....I am.

But in my mind I can be wrong....because in my mind I am 18 instead of 34.

And today at 34 - I want everything to be it okay?

Tuesday, May 07, 2002

Closer then my own skin

VASpider's Web: She begs me not to publish works written about her

That poem...on that website....I just read. When I read the second stanza (they are called stanza's right?) I immediately thought of someone. The first and last stanza don't relate to who I thought of....but the rest does very much. That second stanza is exactly how I have felt....feel.

"you walked way when I needed you closer then my own skin." - that is how I felt exactly at that time.

I could go through every line - they all are like that....they all are about him to me.

I then read the authors comments and thought of someone else. Someone that wrote me recently asking me not to mention them in my blogger again. But as I have written long as I am being true to myself...I will do what is best for me. I am not malicious or mean and I am stating truths. I am stating my feelings and my memories. So to me that is not hurting anyone and it is helping me.

Good Poem...Vaspider...thank you for sharing really hit something in me.

Mean Reds

From Breakfast at Tiffany's..... know those days when you get the mean reds?" --Holly.
"The mean reds? You mean like the blues?" --Fred (Paul).
"No...the blues are because you're getting fat or because it's been raining too long. You're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?" --Holly.
"Sure." --Fred (Paul).
"When I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump into a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away." --Holly.

I am wishing I could go to Tiffany's right now.....

Last night I could not sleep. I wanted to write an email to Nick discussing some things that I could not get out on the phone with him earlier in the day. But even the words for the email did not form.

So because I could not sleep I was flipping through channels and came upon a favorite of mine on AMC.....Breakfast at Tiffany’s. It had already started but I watched it anyway. There is a part that I can't find the exact quote for it right now.....and I don't feel like pulling out my video and finding it either right now. Anyway, Paul is in his apartment telling his wealthy mistress that he is breaking it off with her. And she says something like she must have money so that she can take care of you. And he says something like no, funny thing is she needs someone to take care of her and it feels good to take care of her. I am in a day right now today where I wish I had someone to take care of me. And I don't mean financially - neither did Paul when he said that about Holly. I mean emotionally.

Here is another quote from the movie....that I found....that I thought was interesting.....

Paul Varjak: You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.

Monday, May 06, 2002

Definition of Slave

The term slave....for a BDSM relationship is really hard to define. What a person thinks a slave is really up to the people in the relationship. I have felt some people who called themselves slaves but were not. But if it works for them that is good. It just is not what would work for me under their definition. I guess the relationship I want...I will I think use the word slave because I won't have a choice in being subservient to my Owner. And that is what being a slave is to essense.

Much of the time it feels like that with Nick already and it is kind of scary. I have felt that with Mistress DM and Monseigneur E also. Where it is something in me that just does what they say without thinking. There have been times in my past that I have wanted to fight it but I was fighthing against fear or ego. Not going with what was natural to me.


I just took this little quiz and....I had a tie lol

Want To Know Which Element You Are?

You are Spirit!

Truly a rare breed, you're calm and thoughtful but still know how to live life. Things are taken slowly but your large list of experiences (yours as well as others) can help you adapt to new situations with little trouble or people being hurt. Unfortunately, you're the most likely to ignore yourself over other people. Emotions rule you, and though you are quick to kindness, your anger could scare the fiercest of creatures. Learn to relax a bit and live your own life.

Best Match: Fire, they'll pull you out of your shell and teach you plenty of things in life.
Worst Match: Water, they're too intent on their emotions to notice yours.

and then...

Want To Know Which Element You Are?

You are Water!

Stuck between the sky and the ground, you lack the sudden impulse that Air has but are unable to root yourself down like Earth. Though you have troubles
finishing projects, people can depend on you for the most part (even if it means pulling a few all-nighters). On the plus side, you are extremely adaptable and thus can adjust to any situation. Sure, you might not like it, but it doesn't weigh you down.

Best Match: Fire, just enough 'oomph' to keep your interest.
Worst Match: Spirit, you'll be out the door before they make up their minds

Monday Mission

Monday Mission

1. Do you have any tattoos? If no, why not and what would you get if you did get one. If you do have one or more, tell us how you came to get it, and why you chose the design you got inked with.

No, I don't have any tattoos and I go back and forth between thinking of getting one or two.

2. Has anything ever happened that caused you to believe, or disbelieve, in a Higher Power.

I have went through times in my life where I have been angry at God but I am not sure there was disbelief - just anger because of things that had happened.

3. Have you ever seriously considered, or even attempted, suicide?

wow these are some serious questions....yes I have..just leaving it at that.

4. Has anyone you have known committed suicide?

yes, I have actually know quite a few people who have.

5. This weekend you and I are going to the nature park for a picnic. I'll bring the blanket and make all the arrangements. You pack the picnic basket. What's inside?

Chicken, potato salad, brownies lol those would be the main things :)

6. Have you ever been mad at God for something that happened (or didn't happen)?

yes I have been mad at God.

7. Post (or describe) an image of someone that is no longer with us. Tell us about that person.

Morgan - She was very beautiful inside and out. She lite up a room. She attracted people to her. Everyone wanted to get to know her as she had such a light. She was funny and smart and just so great to be around.

She is someone I will never forget and never stop loving. And someone I have the most regrets about.

BONUS: Who are you?

I am me :)

Sunday, May 05, 2002

Sunday Op-Ed

The Sunday Op-Ed

1) Mexico

Where a lot of drugs come into the USA from? I saw Blow a few weeks ago. I actually have a journal entry on it that I have meant to post.

2) France

Where Nick went to college at? That is what I think of when I think of France now.

3) Tequila

What is the only drink that I have ever got sick from? I was in college. I had a good friend that was older then me and married. She got married and had kids young so she was kind of reliving her college years with me even though she was young herself she was in her late 20's early 30's. Anyway, she, myself and one other friend went to a dive bar and her friend was a drinker. One of those that could drink anyone under the table. Well, I was trying to keep up and I don't drink all that much. So, I got totally drunk and ended up having to have them pull over so that I could throw up out the side of the car. Jim was not thrilled with me as I went to his place afterwards so that he could take care of me lol We were not married at that point.

Body Image Again

Music: MTV

Topics: Life Update, Body Image again, Writing

Wednesday - I had lunch with a friend. It was good to see her. She is a great woman and totally cute : )

I remember the first time I met her. It was the first time I met Di too. It was a fem sub meeting. And I really liked this girl…..I was very attracted to her too. I still am but now there is more of a friendship there.

I then went to go get my haircut but my stylist had called in sick. And after what happen to my hair not the last time I got it cut but the time before I am a little scared to go with different people now. I am just sticking with one person! Ironic thing was I was going to get about 6 inches cut and some layers put in - I am getting sick of my long hair - all the care involved in it. I will still have long hair but it will be like 3 inches past my shoulders instead almost down to my bottom. So now that is going to have to wait : (

Thursday - was kind of boring. But I talked to Nick on the phone, so that was good. We both were really tired though. My phone bill is starting to get big right now without an income coming in. I did not sleep well on Wednesday night. I had LOTS of nightmares and just was uneasy all night. And so I was up all night, so on Thursday I was just kind of out of it. I worked on a project for part of Moni and Michael’s wedding present. And then that was about it. Oh, I started a redesign of a website. Thursday night though I did go to bed REALLY early and slept. I woke up a few times but I went back to sleep.

Friday - I finished my project up for Moni and Michael’s present. And I got SJ’s birthday present together. Then it was time for some last moment shopping - I decided to wear the dress I wore for Honey’s wedding to Moni and Michael’s but I wanted new jewelry and shoes for it….to make it feel new. So, I went and did that. It really made me want to shop more though. I saw so many cute things. Michael and Moni’s wedding was very nice. She looked so beautiful and happy and Michael was bouncing off the walls he was so happy. I saw many good friends there too. SJ, Bill and Lisa were there and I had not talked to them in a long time. So it was very good to talk to them. Now that I am feeling better I hope to be seeing and going out with friends more.

As I was looking at the crowd and the people there… made me realize how much I have changed. Much of it for the good but there are things that I don’t like. I know that there are people who have come into my life that I would handled differently if it were not for someone else in my life. And if I were to handle those things differently that means that the person I did this for would not be in my life. Or there would be lots of added stress. It is just such a tug-of-war going on inside. But at the same time - right now - because I am freer - I am able to be more myself and I think those around me notice. I think they can see at times I am wanting to say something more. And actually I think I will talk to at least 2 of them who I saw on Friday night.

What is right for me to get upset about - stressed about - what is something to write off someone for - is much different then it is for a lot of people. But I have bent in my past to accommodate others wishes. And right now at this moment it annoys me.

There are some things I know I am too relaxed about though….I get hurt because I don’t like giving up on people. Always a balancing act for me.

So for now I am going to start getting back to doing what I want - and at times it might be hard. I have seen others in my life take on the personality of the person they were with and that always bothered me - and basically with this I did the same thing. So that really annoys me. I need to do what is right for me. If I don’t want to write some off, then I should not. Now on the other hand I do need to learn when to write people off too.

Next topic: Body Image….I am sure this not the last that I will write about it either…..

I was thinking about - my image of myself in my minds eye because of my long post on May 2nd and also because of a book - game type thing - it is called the Cube and it is really cool. I am not going to talk about it here because I want it to play it with some friends and not give anything away . Anyway, I see myself in my minds eyes, as I was when I was 18. And I had not really realized that even though I typed something similar in my entry the other day. It just did not sink in. It did now. I am so much that same 18 year old in my head. I tried several times today just to see ME as I am…I could but it was really hard to stay focused on being 34...not 18.

Okay so then the next thing - how do I get past always seeing in my minds eye that I am 18.…and do I need to? How much does that hinder me? And are there aspects of it that helps me - because just going with instinct - I would say yes.

I started thinking about when I began gaining weight. I have thought about that before and it is pretty clear when it happened. After Don and I split up, I started gaining weight very slowly. I then met Morgan in college and I stopped gaining and even lost a little. And then….Morgan died. I gained weight again and fast. Right before I moved here I lost weight and continued to until I become very unhappy and then I gained again a lot of weight fast again. I gained the weight to hide….to hide from the world. I know that. It was like I could become invisible. And I was able to be invisible when I was a little skinny chick….well….now thinking about it…I think I thought was being but there are definite things in my life that show that I did not hide.

My mind races on this topic because I know there is more here - and until I figure it out I don’t think I can lose the weight I need to -- well I might be able to but I think it will be harder to keep it off. But it is definitely bothering more then it has in the past. I don’t feel healthy right now. I mean I have felt very comfortable in my skin at times - and do right now - actually until I start doing things - that require some energy - that is when I feel the weight. Because of the symptoms that hang on with pneumonia - I feel it even more. Anyway on to something different.

Writing - Lately I have had SO MANY people say something about me writing that I guess it is time to start writing again. I used to write BDSM oriented articles for a newsletter. But I have not written anything like that in so long. It has been over a year I would say. I am not sure what to write about so if you have any ideas please drop me an email….I would much appreciate the help!

Archives are not showing up right now except for Oct. 2000 - the month I started my journal. :( not sure what is going on but hope to find out soon!

This next week is going to be very busy for me. Wednesday is the only day I don’t have something scheduled right now but that might change also. It is now Sunday here since it is 2:30am and I just received a horoscope I get by mail. It is actually one I just signed up for about a week ago and so far everyday it has been on it. Too on it. It says things that I am not even whispering to myself as they scare me. It is seeing things that no one else is seeing. Anyway in seeing the date at the top of the email - Sunday May 5th it made me realize that in 2 weeks it will be an anniversary for me. I met Todd a year ago the 19th of May. It seems like longer then a year. Well, I will have closure that I am feeling better. I will be able to do what I need to do. Yeah! It will be good. I know it. And I know Nick will be thrilled - he has had some fun times with me because the affects Todd left on me.

Life is going to be better! I am making a promise to myself and anyone that knows me - they know what a promise means to me.

Friday, May 03, 2002

Friday Five

Friday's Five is moving so taking a break today but they suggested doing a Friday Five from the archives. And so that is what I am is the one from Feb. 22

1. Hey, baby, what's your sign Do you think it fits you pretty well? Libra, and yeah, I think it fits pretty well.

2. What's the worst birthday gift you've ever received? I received a sweater from a friend in high school. The sweater was so not me but what made it worse was that she gave me the same sweater the next year for my birthday.

3. What's the best birthday gift you've ever received? Concert tickets to U2 from Jim. Actually he gave me tickets for him and me to see U2 - two times. Once about 2 months before my birthday and then another set that happened to be *ON* my birthday. It was really nice. :)

4. What's the best way you've celebrated your birthday thus far? I am not sure - I had some very good birthday’s with Jim. He was kind and romantic, so we had some nice celebrations. But the one that keeps coming to mind at the moment is a party that Jackie, Di and Kam gave to me October 2000. It was very nice. Something I know I will never forget.

5. What are your plans for this weekend? Going to Michael and Moni's wedding tonight, tomorrow I think I am going to go do something I have been putting off and then Sunday I have a meeting to go to.

Setting Free the Statue

Okay I usually don't even read this type of stories when they are sent to me....they are the gushing do good be good life will be good stories :) I was not sent this story - but just happened upon it on the web. It talks basically about taking time to live life. I have always felt that I tried to live life to it fullest. I look forward to each day. Each day to me means more...that I have loved and learned. It even talks about an artist that has evoked so many emotions in me...passion, love, compassion, and so much more.......

“The main point is to be moved, to love, to hope, to tremble, to live, but to be a man first.” ~ Rodin

So here it is....

Setting Free the Statue

Life’s changes had been too many, too sudden, too riddled with pain. I felt numb and frozen, trapped in my quiet despair. I could no longer hear the voice of my heart, instead I heard only a thundering silence. I wanted nothing more than to find the healing path and to regain my sense of self. I needed clarity and direction. I needed to find peace.

A friend of mine called and offered his sage advice. He recommended I take a stomp, which was his term for a therapeutic walk. He explained that whenever his shoulders weighed heavy, he set out for the woods, the city streets, the country sidewalks. It mattered not where the physical journey took him, he claimed the act itself always cleared his mind, broke through his silence, and, most importantly, allowed him to “set free the statue.” He’s a man of metaphor, and the deeper meaning of his words always had the power to intrigue and challenge me. This friend of mine was very wise.

I lived in a small town of radiant beauty. My home and workplace were nestled between the mountains, the ocean, the art museum and the botanical gardens. Each were less than a mile away, yet how long had it been since I tasted the ocean air, felt the crackle of leaves beneath my feet, or breathed in the inspiration of the masters. Far too long.

My practical mind told me I had no time for a walk, but my soul cried out, demanding attention. I’d only steal an hour, I promised myself. It would nourish me. Heeding the advice of my friend, I grabbed my sketchbook and pen and closed the door behind me. I didn’t have a clue as to where I was going, but trusted I’d know when I arrived. And so it happened.

I decided to take the back streets, in hopes the charm of this city would lift my spirits. My pace was fast, too fast to truly appreciate the willow-lined paths that guarded my trail. My thoughts were too burdened to recognize what the moment was offering. My limbs felt heavy and stiff, my mind a chamber of tangled concerns, my heart still trapped in pain. I’m sure the briskness of my movements were a subconscious effort to set myself free. I was not yet aware of how significant this would be in the moments to come.

In less than fifteen minutes the sound of the wind in the trees was replaced by the rumble of a city street. I looked up to find myself facing the carved stone pillars of the art museum. A banner greeted me, claiming a Rodin exhibit. “Lovely,” I sighed, amazed at how I had arrived here with so little memory of the journey. The sharp truth of this realization made me reach for my pen, and I scrawled out the words:

How often are we so preoccupied in our own private woes, our fears, our worries that we miss the beauty of the journey. Lift the veil. Pay attention. The landscape is so much larger than we can see.

Closing my book, I stepped into the lyrical hush of the museum walls. The scent of marble, bronze, and recently polished wooden floors teased my senses. Smiling guards stood at the corner of each room. School children shuffled past quickly, whispering excitement over some exhibit in an adjacent hall. I deliberately began to pace my steps.

Room by room I stomped lightly. I felt as if I had entered a world of healing silence that I had almost forgotten to remember. What simple joy it was to hear the echo of my own footsteps. In some strange way, the sound was telling me that I was moving ahead, moving through, moving forward.

Ever so slowly, the peaceful voice inside of me was beginning to return, or perhaps I was just finally beginning to listen. But this, too, would not be rushed. Like a painting not yet finished, or a poem awaiting its final line, true insight has a way of delaying itself in times of shadow. I’ve come to believe this is part of the healing process. It takes a long while of ruminating on the painful angst of complexities before the soothing brilliance of simplicity surfaces.

My pace continued. I began to hear the faint rustling of passionate thought, contemplation wrapped in the voice of memory, a promising tune hinting at my future. Soon I found myself alone in a room with no doors, only open passageways leading into new rooms. How appropriate. I was taken by the symmetry of this concept, and once again I reached for my pen. Stumbling into a wooden bench, I sat, eyes to paper, my hand moving effortlessly across the page.

When heartache appears in our lives and we are forced to face bittersweet truths, we must be reminded that within each challenge there is always a higher offering. Although hidden from our view, we must raise our thinking, open our hearts, and recognize that we’re being called to a new stage in life, a new room. Unfamiliarity can be frightening, and new paths are always a risk. But what is life, if not a journey into the wondrous unknown. Look around. Grace and beauty can be found even within pain. The only lock , keeping us trapped or blind or stuck, is fear. The only cage, our own minds.

When at last my pen had paused, I looked up to see the glory that surrounded me. I stood and began to drink in Rodin’s ancient studies, his sketches, his masterpieces, his legacy. I gazed at their beauty. I was moved by the myriad of feelings they evoked in me, trapped like in that of an ancient photograph, speaking to me in hushed undertones. Their effect was sublime, beckoning me to trace their exquisite form with my hands. Like a child, I was thrilled to have ignored the Do Not Touch warnings out of a passionate desire to feel. To experience. To know.

Then a thought came to me as my fingers met the coolness of the bronze and the marble. Although the feelings these sculptures summoned within me were warm, their touch was obviously that of stone. They spoke of life, yet they were lifeless. They conjured the illusion of movement, but they were immobile. Their vision made all in witness tremble in awe, but they could only claim a suspended reality. Certainly they deserved, and received, my praise and admiration. But a parallel could be drawn between their suspended reality and my being so stuck in my weighty world. This was a message I needed to hear.

Art is only feeling, and as Rodin himself said: “The main point is to be moved, to love, to hope, to tremble, to live, but to be a man first.”

These were the final lines I wrote in my notebook before the clock on the wall told me it was time to leave. As I walked through the room, I spied yet another of Rodin’s quotes laying open in a book I was clearly meant to see. “In short, beauty is everywhere. It is not that it is lacking for our eyes to see, it is that our eyes fail to see it.” Indeed.

The walk back home was not a blind race with time. I strolled, I stomped, I took notice. My thoughts focused not on the pains and the darkness which I had let overpower me in recent days, instead I consciously made room for the light. The miracle of it all was that nothing had changed in my world, save for my own mindset, and this was proof enough that I had unlocked a door.

How easy it is to become trapped not only in heartache, but in the fear of moving forward. It took a simple stomp for me to learn that the gift of movement, even into uncharted territory, was one of life’s greatest blessings. I had given myself permission to “set free the statue.” I now understood the depth of my friend’s metaphor, and the wondrous mystery of it all empowered me. I was inspired to take the risk of becoming more, for I was flesh, not stone. I was a dancer, not a statue. I was alive, and my passion for living had found its voice again. ~ Lisa Weedn

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