Running

Music: U2 ~ Mix of lots of different songs from different CD's

Running Running Running.....

The last 2 days have been really busy for me. Still not a bad thing though. I really have liked being busy lately. It has really helped pull me out of the black hole I felt like I was in.

Wednesday.....

I am not even sure I can tell you what I did but I felt like I was going all day. Then late last night I was restless after a few phone calls that were not pleasant so I painted. Yes, actually painted. It was fun but will probably be painted over or added too. Not sure yet. I then read some...I have just started reading Paulo Coehlo’s The Pilgrimage. It is good so far and things they are talking about I would like to research some....history things. I feel asleep and then woke up with a nightmare. I signed online and wrote Nick a letter that I have not sent but as I was writing I just had a feeling to check yahoo to see if he was online and he was....and he had his cam installed.

I have see only one picture of him. It was when he was still in the military and he is in his BDU's and has sunglasses on. As he was sending me an invite to view......I got very very nervous for some reason. And then I clicked yes to view and there he was........

It was so nice to SEE him. He is very handsome. Actually pretty much the same, as he looked in his pictures only now I saw his eyes...and glasses..... yummy! :)

So he and I chatted online for actually about 3 hours online. It was nice.

He then gave me an order to do something. Something I am not sure I am thrilled about, but want to please him. So, it will get done. I told him of my unease, but he told me it was not an option to not go through with it. And that surprised me too.

He also told me something last night that surprised me. He was teasing and tormenting me online last night and he said we have not done this in a while and I was like yeah. He said he had not because I had been sick. It surprised me. You know how many times I have had sex when I had a migraine - hell when I had the stomach flu just because it was what former Owner's wanted. And I am not screaming or using the "I have a headache excuse" please.......I usually I am the one that wants more sex then my partner. So, to actually have someone who thought of me......was really nice for a change.

So we were online late talking and then I got up in the morning with a phone call waking me up. It was cute because the person knows that 1) we screen our calls and 2) our phone is in one room so if we are in others you need to give us about 30 seconds to get to it so talk for 30 seconds or we won't get there in time. So this friend was counting and then he finally said something like I am not going to count anymore but how he said it was very Dominant lol and I woke up out of a sound sleep. I had been sleeping until then. So even in my sleep I respond to Dominance lol

Today, I went to Star Wars Episode II with some friends. I really liked it. I liked for reasons I am sure guys won't like it - the romance in it. Natalie Portman looked VERY good :) I liked finding out things too...I mean why things happened the way they did in Star Wars IV, V, VI (that is 6 right lol not remembering roman numerals at this time).

I then got home tonight as I was gone out all day with friends and worked on some things for SMART. And wrote a few emails not enough though and signed on yahoo and Nick was on and so we talked for 2 hours online.

I have had a few people interested in playing with me lately and I had not really asked him about it because he always says the same thing....."if you want to....go for it as long as it is safe." Well, tonight I just told him about one person and he asked me some questions. And then said that I could play. I "could" play. Not you can if you want. That I "could." That was not usual Nick.....so that surprised me.

I think I am going to have to send Nick the email I wrote him last night that I did not send. I don't want to but...uggh I am in my phase of frustration...with not having met him yet with not knowing for sure...so much. Which seems to also be coinciding with my need for pain.

Changing subjects....

This weekend I am dreading.......

Friday will be busy for me. Saturday will be very busy - shopping, dinner, SMART, play party. And then Sunday is a meeting and then I have something else I need to do that day too. Sunday is also the 19th so I am sure I will not a happy camper. Plus on top of it I should get my period that day - woo hooo NOT! lol

I am having some anxiety over meeting someone this weekend. I am sure she is having more though - going from other experiences in my life when this type of situation was happening. But I am sure it will go fine.

While I was online with Nick.....I got a phone call but I did not recognize the phone number....it was from out of state so I did not answer it. It was Michael. I have not talked to him since just before I got sick. I have been thinking about him LOTS and LOTS so I am glad he called and I am going to give him a call back tomorrow night. But the number that showed up on my caller id shows him in another state....so not sure he is on vacation or what....maybe something with school. He is a professor. Anyway, I will call him tomorrow and tell him I miss him. Because I do...very very much.

You know you have people come into your life for a reason and sometimes you got to make sure they don't slip away....because it happens for a reason. There are just too many things with Michael that....fit. And yes I care about Nick.....love Nick but.....it is very frustrating at times. He does not....offer commitment - yes we have not met and even seen but....not sure I can explain it. It is like when I said I love him here and the emails I sent. He can't even face them. That is my perception at least. Denial seems to be how he is handling them. Tonight in our im....he showed me Molly his dog.....on the cam. And he said she was his vanilla pride and joy....soooo what do you think I said lol.....I said and do you have a bdsm pride and joy. And his come back was let me get with my lawyer and get back to you. Which has been his response in similar things where he would have to "claim" me. Yet on the other hand there is times he makes me feel VERY much like I am his.

I can't remember when it was......or what we were even talking about specifically but I said something about not being his and he came back with yes you are. It was so strong and firm. And I said well not technically and he came back with something like almost - in more ways then you realize. And it surprised me so much.

I am just confused to night.....babbling and I am sure I will be back into my headspace where Nick is the greatest person on earth tomorrow. I keep him up on such a high pedestal sometimes I just have to kind of test it I guess.