Saturday, June 30, 2001

It is Saturday night and I am home. This is the first Saturday night that I have been home in I am not sure how long.....months. I could have went out and made plans. I am not sure why I did not because I am feeling a little alone. Which one night alone should not make me feel that way. But my mind is racing and it slows down when with people and doing things.

Today I went to lunch with a friend and Kam we went to an Arabic restaurant because my friend and Kam like it. :) We have asked her if she wants to move in with us. Time to clean out my closest OH NO! LOL Then after lunch Kam and I went to a movie first time he and I have done anything together like that. We went to see Swordfish. It was pretty good. Then we came home and I was going to go read. I had my book in my hand but then I went to Kam's room instead and laid down with him.

Going to talk about things I never talk about here....wrote about in my hand written journal before though. Kam sexually knows me better then anyone. He has learned what turns me on the most. I always had a good sexual relationship with Jim - that is when we were having sex. I had been accused on occasion by him of being too sexual, too wet, and wanting sex too much. I had very good sex with Jim but I did not know how intense orgasms could be until Kam. He was the first person that actually got me to "squirt" - I had felt it before coming but always stopped it. But he told me to let it come once and so I did. I am not sure how Kam learned what I like and don't like. I guess it is not that hard to figure out lol or maybe it is lol who knows. Anyway I was turned on today when I got in bed with him. I also am still in that seeking pain mode.

Okay computer locked up so had to reboot but did not open this up to work on it until now..meanwhile I was reading Mistress DM's is something she wrote that I agree with!

"Then I wake up and realize that control of externals is an illusion and control of internals is an illusion, but control of how you *express*--that is the only control you have."

Totally agree with that and since realizing that my life has been at peace....yes peace lol reading this blogger it is probably beyond some where my peace is but it is...believe me it is there.

I was talking to an old friend of mine....jackie not Jackie lol as I referred to her around Jackie...jackie of Detroit. And we were discussing my life since she had last seen me. We saw each other a year ago but did not have a lot of time to just sit down and talk. So she did not know about things that were puzzle pieces of me....that were put together and I am now whole. She was happy for me. I told her about my life. She was not able to talk about hers right then...she was having a bad day but even when she is not having a bad day I know it will be like pulling teeth to get her to share. Maybe when she gets back to Detroit I can plan a weekend to visit her...if her Master allows it.

Sir and I just had a conversation that I know so many do not understand just like he does not.

It actually is something I have not discussed in depth with Mistress DM, probably because I am not sure want to hear what she will have to say. I mean I do but not sure.

I see the images as they flash before my eyes.

Here is something I wrote in my hand written journal over a year ago. And it is on my extreme site.

I seek to have fear in my that when one looks they see the fear I know. I want to have fear in my body....I want to have bruises and ache from use and abuse. I want to have fear in my heart....I want to love the person that does this to me but be fear all He is. I want to have fear in my soul...and feel it consume me and fulfill me like I know it will...

That statement scares lots of people. They also do not understand why I would want that.

How do I explain it......

I want the total opposite too. I want someone who will treat me very special also. I want to have them pamper me, hold the door open for me, help me with my bag....and so on.

I want the opposite ends....friction as Mistress DM would say...I like friction. I do not think I "like" friction. I just think I am a Libra trying to be balanced. I want both! I want it all and I try to keep it all balanced. But they seem like friction to others where they are just things that I balance in my life to seek all that I want and need.

Sir and I discussed he wants no part of the "beating" in which I seek. He does not want to see the after effects. I know the bruise Todd gave me bothered him lots. And still does. But it did not bother me. It bothers Todd *shakes head* wow even Di commented on how she could tell it bothered him. I felt that night he did that the closest I have ever to finding *it*

It scared Todd but turned him on a lot. He left very fast in the morning and I know that is because he was having problems dealing with it. I wanted to try to get him to stay and help him through it. But I was slightly lost in my own after things of other things that happened that night.

I needed that. I needed it more then I can explain. He gave it to me. And it felt RIGHT to ME. So what is wrong with that????

I have someone here that would beat me to the point that I want right now. He would do it for his pleasure he does not care that I am needing something from it and would get something from it. And people say what he would do to me is abuse. Abuse to the law...well fine then you know spanking is illegal in Ohio? uggghhh

I want it. I need it right now too. And if I consent to it what is the problem?

I guess I am glad Kam gave me some pain tonight. It still was not enough but the level I need I cannot get from him. Not that he cannot do it...he can. But I need to be in a headspace to get what I need from it and I cannot get in that headspace with him.

I told Kam that I do not feel the right to feel I wanted to hurt. Well, during my period I dry out fast even when really turned on. He was rubbing my clit and rubbing it and stopping just short of me cumming. As I told him I did not want to cum. I wanted to just feel it build to the point it hurts over and over again so that maybe I could sleep lol

Anyway he did it. My clit was raw and hurt from just a touch. And he pinched and pulled on my nipples and I was floating on the pain. It slowed things down I saw only the pain. Yes, I see the pain. I saw images of violence. I saw....hands giving me pain, the pain, the throbbing, the red. I was there and not there. It was good but it was not long enough or painful enough to break things up. But I am thankful he did it. I felt sorry for him though as when he did it relaxed me so much I fell asleep. I fell asleep with him twisting my nipples so hard I should have been screaming. LOL oh well pain is relaxing to me lol Anyway I felt sorry for him because I know he had to have been very turned on and I did not please him because I fell asleep. But I also know he feels I need more sleep so he was probably very happy he got me to sleep some.

Okay I wrote all of the above and then kept thinking about Mistress DM.......soooooo I did something I NEVER do.....I called her. It was hard to do and I just looked for the number and did not think about it too much because if I would have I would not have had the nerve to pick up the phone.

The conversation was 3 hours long.....

And my mind is mush right

As Mistress DM would have me say mind is not mush it is just primed. Or something like going back into my condo lol

good night.....

It is 3:35 in the morning and I am still working. I love my work. I would not want to be doing anything else right now......well work wise. What I would like right now is to be owned. I am not sure why I feel such an urgency to be owned also. It is like time is running out. Maybe it is.....

I started reading a book tonight that actually I have meant to read for a while. DM wrote a perception about this quote...."He knew one of the women well, and had shared his universe with her. They had seen the same mountains, and the same trees, although each of them had seem them differently. She knew his weaknesses, his moments of hatred, of despair. Yet she was there at his side. They shared the same universe." ~ Paulo Coelho, The Valkyries

Is that not incredible? WOW it just vibrates in me each time I read it. I have never got sick of reading it either and never had a time where it did not make me FEEL something intense and deep. That is EXACTLY what I seek. To be able to see things differently - be me but still share the same universe.

Anyway I started reading The Valkyries by Paulo Coelho. And it is incredible so far and I am only like 20 pages into it.

Here is a verse of a poem they have in it......

And each man kills the thing he loves,
By all let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword.

The first line on the back cover of the book is "Why is it that we destroy the things we love most?"....the last line of the back of the book says, "....a poignant message about letting go of the past and believing in the future."

I met JJ. I wanted to call it a date :) But it was her and I hanging out. She is very beautiful and a lot of fun. I smiled and laughed tonight and that was a good thing. She was wearing a very hot top. Oh my did it accent the positives lol *drool* We had 2 kisses in the parking lot and I wanted to kiss her more but at the end of our date someone had joined us and she was not comfortable...something I need to talk to her about because she seems to be around JJ and I a lot and so it will happen. And I just want to understand why it makes her uncomfortable.

I did not have a problem with kissing JJ in public. It was almost natural to me. I kissed her in the parking was not just a peck either. And then she kissed me :) The girl with us said people are watching and both JJ and I seemed to have the same attitude....SO lol It is for us not them. Just like when you hold someone's hand in the mall it is because you feel it you want to touch you want that does not have anything to do with their gender or the attention factor. It is because you care about them as a person.

Today Di and I had a talk about gender, being bisexual or straight. And I have not had her permission to talk about what exactly we talked about but I am of the is not gender that makes me attracted to a person. It is attitude, beliefs, compatibility things.....I will love a person who has those things I am attracted to and it does not matter if they are female or male. Problem being for me at the moment and has been in the past, I feel I need to be owned by a man.

On that note I am really tired and need to be up early for work.


ps: thought of wench lots today and this week......wish I could have went to visit. :( I need to talk to her about some things also I need more hours in the day.

Friday, June 29, 2001

Thursday night....

Today has not been great. This week pretty much feels like it sucked.

Listening to the Practical Magic soundtrack....A Case of you by Joni Mitchell is on....part of the lyric that I like the most.......

Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I'm frightened by the devil
And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid
I remember that time that you told me, you said
"Love is touching souls"
Surely you touched mine
"Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time

Tonight I talked to Todd on the phone and I got upset with something he said. And I ended up yelling at him on the phone. I just get so irritated with him. And I have my period. It has been 2 weeks since he broke up with me and I feel he maybe thinks I should be over him. I think - actually believe - he might wonder why I have deep feelings for him. Di and I talked about the first time I met him today. It bothers me that I feel the way I do about him. It would be much easier to run to JJ or SM (who I have not talked about at all)..or even run to Kam or Sir.

Part of friendship is sharing. And all night while watching Di's daughter's softball game I kept going over our earlier conversation in my mind...I just could not let go of it. Soooo I decided I needed to talk to him about it....share my feelings. Di knew I was going to talk to him and she asked me the reason I wanted to and I told her it would make me feel better to get some of it out. She said I should go for it then. So I called him up on the way home. But why I thought that it would make me feel better.....when I try to talk about how I feel with Todd I end up feeling sharing feelings is wrong. I remember how long it has taken me to express myself and even yell (now just need to learn how to get upset and express that without yelling lol at times I have that down..rare occasions of late lol). Yelling at him on the phone - I do not think he understand how big of deal that is....I am sure he loves it NOT lol but I remember that for almost all my life I have stuffed EVERYTHING inside. And so to let anger out and not worry that the person is going to love me still or yell back is a big thing. Anyway I told him that I needed to talk about some things. I am sure he was thinking oh great she wants to yell at me again. I told him about some of the things going on in my head. I talked about Di's and my agreement which I know he does not understand at all. Di has always been very open with me about those I am/was involved with. Anyway so why would that change. And right now because I am having some problems/insecurities/vulnerablities it seems right for *me* to keep those things in place.

Di and I share so much and I think that is what friends do. I have tried to share as a friend with Todd since he broke up with me and it still feels very one sided. I believe he does not trust me but that just boggles my mind because why would you get involved with someone how he was intending supposedly with me....what he was seeking with me if you did not trust them? I have given him a lot of trust and still will continue to do so. Yes, there are some walls up, but more then likely he could say one thing or give me one look and they would be broken down again. No protection from him...uggghhhh.

I mean he has asked me some questions online and on the phone that as just a friend of mine I probably would say I do not want to talk about that now or not share all of it because it is a self protection thing but because of the relationship and the trust I did give him I just tell him all. It really makes me mad at myself. I know without a doubt if he said come over and do such and such and that such and such could be anything it would be VERY hard to say no. I would struggle with it a lot.

And yet I still want to be friends with him and it might be easier for me not to be.

So how do I move past him?

Mistress DM and I have had the love talk a few times but to her and I believe this also Love is an Energy not an emotion. It is not something you "get over." I still love Jim more then I can express. I still am upset over lots of our marriage too but I love him. I believe I am in love with him. Anyway, I love Todd. And I want to try to view that love differently. It is really hard because so much of what I thought and how I felt just still amazes me that is how I feel when I think of him. Why him? Something I still have not really figured out is what I was suppose to learn from him. He said to me once when I asked him what he wanted from me...he said it is so simple and right in front of your face. He said it was probably so foreign to me that I did not recognize it. Wellllll now I agree lol I think that what I was suppose to learn from him is so simple and right in front of my face and I wish I could slow things down and figure it out so I can see it.

Okay on to something different but not....because I thought of slowing things down and I thought of pain when I thought of that. I wrote Sir a kind of rambling letter on pain and what I was feeling and he came back with 6 questions. They were good questions. I was proud of him. And as I told Di, it is too bad he is not able to collar a submissive because he would make a submissive a good Dominant.

Anyway I am going to ask him permission to post the questions and my answers to my blogger.

I need to go to the doctor. I *want* to actually. Di does not have a night when she can do that next week. I had asked Todd last week and he said he would and I trust him sooo I might ask him again. Kam cannot go because of the time I need to be there he cannot make it. So that is why he does not come with me. But I need someone with me because where it is at and my doctor thing I just need someone there to keep my mind off of things. Todd is a good choice too because he is strong. I like his strength.

I need to get going and Di was on the edge of bugging me to post again lol She feels I should just post every day! lol I wish I could....I wish I could write every day. I do I just wish I could get all that I write up here....people would be shocked and probably pissed off at me too lol

Things I learned this week....

That I love Jim more then I thought and I also remember why I divorced him. (last week I was not remembering those things). I have big heart not that I did not know that but I remembered this week again also. That I do not share what I think here because I am scared. :) That I want acceptance from many people in my life more then I realized. And then I realized there are some in my life that I do not care if they accept me or not but I will still be there for them. Where as those that I want acceptance from I might run away from. Or push away. I realized that I am more vulnerable then I thought right now. I am wanting a relationship and not wanting one. That I am a procrastinator lol I know there were other things...hmm maybe they will come to me later.


Wednesday, June 27, 2001

Crave....To feel bad. To feel like nothing. To cry. To fear. To struggle.

having a conversation with Mistress DM. I said that I was tired and wanted my brain to slow down and she said something that made me blush A LOT. Anyway I told her after her comment that I do not feel I have the right to feel pleasure right now.

Another interesting comment by her. And something not ready to write. But she is right as usual.

I want to feel like I describe on my extreme website.

I want to have the fear in my eyes and feel as bad as it feels inside...deep down. I want to cry....I want to feel the pain on the outside and mentally from the pain as much as I feel that pain that is already inside me.

And I keep hearing the logical side of myself tell that is not "healthy" and the other part of me is saying why not. I need pain. I am a masochist. I crave these things and doing them will not hurt anything. Sooooo why not do it.

I do not care what others think right now I am not sure there is anyone strong enough for me out there. I know Mistress DM thinks she is it. But I am not sure on that.

I want so much and need a lot too. I wish I could slow things down to think.

good night....


Tuesday, June 26, 2001

Well let’s see….wrote this as I went this week.....

First part wrote Sunday night.....

It is Sunday night and I feel like I have not been home in a week.

Tuesday when I was writing all day I knew what day it was…..not that anyone else probably did. It was June 19th and May 19th was the day Todd and I met real life at B&N. It is weird to think back at that time. I talked to Sir right before going in. I was so scared. Shaking slightly. Todd had told me he was in orange shorts and white t-shirt. I was walking in and I saw in the doors someone wearing orange shorts but I did not see his face. I was too far away and I saw him walk away as I got closer. So I walked in and stood there for a moment and then started to walk down the middle isle kind of looked side to side and then saw him standing down one isle next to the cafĂ©. I felt like my mouth was going to drop open because he was soooooo cute. I had images flash before my eyes and it was the first time I ever had anything like it happen. Yes I have had images flash before my eyes but not these kinds of images. I have heard of people having the same thing happen but never had it happen to me before. Anyway I was so nervous meeting him and I blushed lots. I planned appropriately so that when I blushed it blended into my blouse lol He gave me a gift…a book. Which I love books…so he did well. I have read some of the book - I tried to pick it up recently again but I could not right now. So we sat there and talked. So that was my first meeting on May 19th with Todd.

Did not last a month…oh well…..

I was thinking I am not sure I have had someone really break up with me that I cared about. I have broke up or they broke up with me but I did not care, as I was already mentally/emotionally out of the relationship.

I remember so much right now. And it is hurting. I have not cried really yet. I well up and then pull it all back in.


Account of Friday

I worked of course. I had lots to do and was getting very stressed. I felt out of control. I absolutely hate that feeling.

I had locked my keys in my car when I went to pick Kam up from work. I had taken my shoes off and pulled into the lot and my phone rang it was work and I was talking and got out of the car thought I hit unlock. I walked to the other side and it was locked so thought hmm I forget to hit unlock but went back and that side was locked too. Keys inside car locked : (

I had to be somewhere for work also that was downtown and insync was in town so I knew there would be traffic. Todd had just called when I locked my keys in my car. And he offered to help me out. That was very nice of him. He also found me an alternative route that did not have the traffic that the main interstate did for the concert. I got to the place I needed too early : )

Called Di and Todd and then they got to have a fashion show to decide what I was wearing to a party on Saturday night. I was thankful to have them there to help me. I was already being a spaz from the stress. I also was bleeding and that could be for multiple reasons (whatever is wrong with me, Jackie was thinking of coming on Friday and so I always bleed when I am around her and 3rd reason could be I am thinking of getting involved with a woman I start bleeding as my cycle moves when involved with a woman). So that pissed me off that I was bleeding again. It is just spotting. But I get sick of it. I know others would think I put off going but I do not think I do. I have not had time. I mean I have not had time to do things that should have been done right when I got back from Germany but just have not had time. I am responsible for other people and I guess I try to put them first by working and working and working. I mean I do not even get all that I need to do for them done. I feel guilty for that lots.


Sir messaged. We are having a disagreement. And I do not think he is getting what I am saying and feeling. I actually knew we would have this conversation at some point. Topic loyalty. Not going to do the whole loyalty post again. It is very important to me in business and more importantly in friendships.

From my Nov 27th blogger…. “I will protect you, I will defend you, I will honor your name and give you the respect that those that have harmed you have not….I will be loyal.”

Those are parts of being a friend to me.

Not going to be able to finish this blogger right now….upset. crying hurting…

Life sucks right now…

Monday Evening…writing…

Lets see talked about Friday evening……

Saturday was pretty much a blur lol

Got up at 7am and started working. Then went shopping and had some lunch though I could not eat much as I was nervous about the party. Then went to the hotel room that we had so that us bunch of girls did not have to drive home that night. It was a very nice hotel and it was nice to be pampered. We all got ready and then went to the party. It was a lot of fun! : )

After the party I got JJ and we went to breakfast. We talked about lots of things it was nice just to have time with her alone.

Went back to hotel room and then did not sleep well at all. So much work stuff on my mind. Got up on Sunday morning and took care of some work stuff and then meet JJ for lunch and then off to do the fashion frenzy thing. We then went to a hotel room….

We were going to be together and we sat down on the couch and I ended up crying a little because of things going on with me. There is one thing I have not wrote about here yet. And will not until I have time to write the person first. But I have to do something very hard. And not looking forward to it. I am still having feeling for Todd and working through them. So after our talk we decided we did not want her to be my rebound person. We did not just want sex once and then be akward. We would rather have something more then once lol

So we are waiting. I feel I disappointed her. She has flirted so much. She has backed off now. I just do not want to hurt her and I feel right now I am too vulnerable and might hurt her.

I pulled closer to Kam again because of it again. And that has to be hard on him. I love him. I want him in my life. I just am not sure really of our relationship where it is going what it is doing. He had something slap him in the face when I was with Todd. He realized that if Todd had said I am moving and you are coming with me….I would have. Sir basically said same thing. Todd was someone I would have gave others up for. Lucky I did not…Sir has been my rock lately. And basically I was a bitch to him. Does not change how I view loyalty but he has stood by me through lots lately and I am thankful for that!

I did not write on Friday what I learned last week….

And I have breifly thought about this and I am not sure I know what I learned. I mean I know I had to have but not sure what.

Learned that I am wanted but I feel alone right now. Learned that I can see reality at times on my own lol Learned that this is harder then I thought it would be.

Posting what I have so far because Di was getting on my case lol….


Friday, June 22, 2001

Let’s see where to go next….


Business was busy not totally busy but when I talked about it with friends they were like wow sounded busy lol So that is good.

Di got a tattoo!! I cannot wait to see it!

I ran around all day and not sure I can even account for most of it. We had a few mishaps but I still was in a good mood all day. It felt good to be alive yesterday and that was first day I had felt like that in a week.

Not that I did not want to be alive but I felt alive yesterday. It was energizing. The glass in my foot started irritating me. So I called Todd and asked him if he would get it out for me. We met and he did a great job. He knew exactly what to do. :) So the glass it out. No screaming, no crying, no struggling, no kicking him even though I think he thought I might lol

I chatted with him a little bit and then left. I could not stay. Not that I did not want to and just hang out and talk but he needed sleep. He looked like well like he had not slept in days. And I know how that is……I needed to leave because I did not know what to do exactly. I was just trying to be and for the most part I was but little things kept confusing things in me. Anyway I left and I then went home, had to do work also. JJ was online and she has been flirting with me heavily. She is someone I have known for about hmmm 2 months. Anyway she invited me to breakfast and I went…because I need to be up and answering the phone and such for work. I was wearing a black t-shirt, black bra, olive green short skirt, no panties and sandals. And I said something about not wearing panties and from that moment on she wanted to get up my skirt lol

It feels good to be wanted. I have people that want me and I still do not feel wanted really. Anyway, she wanted to have sex with me on Wednesday.

We were out very late and I had business stuff to do during that time also and afterwards so it was like 3am by the time I got bed. I had my nightmares again. Just more of them lately……

This morning I then got up at 7am. And I have been going all day.

It is 2:26 right now…

JJ and I went shopping tonight. I had something else to do tonight and I canceled so I could go out with JJ. I called Sir today to make sure it was okay to be with her. I am not sure I want to be though. I am scared. All the women I have been with except 1 have only been with me before. And JJ has experience. And I guess I feel intimidated.

I have wanted a close intimate relationship with a woman and JJ and I get a long good. She is very open, honest and very straightforward and it is refreshing to have someone like that in my life. She knows what she wants and expresses it. It is nice. I just would not want to hurt her.

I bought a new dress tonight a slip dress that I am not sure I will feel comfortable in wearing to the party Saturday night but hope I can.

I sit here typing this and smell her perfume…..

Time for bed……

LOTS going on in my head…..


Crying too….

Almost cried today….

Good night….


Thursday, June 21, 2001

Wrote at about 3pm Tuesday…..

Today has not been a good day. I should go out and relax but I have business things to take care of tonight.

Lets see......

Cut my foot on glass in the kitchen when I broke a glass. I had to go take care of apartment stuff...which is not fully resolved but will be soon. And ended up not being as bad as I thought it would be. My car is not working. Work stuff has been put on hold so that I could deal with my personal life. wench called me today. I have felt there is something going on with her for quite some time but we have not had the time to talk about it yet. She asked me to come visit. And I actually would love to do that but I am not sure I can. But I am going to look into it. It seems actually like some good downtime for me. And a time to help her with whatever is going on with her…and I know something is.

Last night….

I went with Sir to the caning demo. I was the person that got demo'd on lol It was a lot of fun. The person leading the discussion and demo is very cool man! I love his views on BDSM. He seems like a very good Top. The website is I have not taken a look at the site yet. Anyway, Sir took some control last night. I had to ask if I wanted to cum during the demo and of course I was too embarassed to ask so I did not. : (

Sir and I talked about what I talked to him about. Which went okay and not sure where it stands right at this moment but I was told not to play with anyone but Kam without permission. There is a Dominant that I have talked to online on and of for hmm probably almost a year I think I started talking to him last summer when Jackie was here. Anyway he wants to just give raw pure pain. And does not want anything more from me then for me to allow him to beat me. But he would be extreme. Anyway I have been tempted to call him because I want pain and I want pain in a way that could be dangerous to me. But it is what I seek right now…unfortunately how much I crave it is not good. It is very much how I felt that morning Todd and I were together that last morning we were together basically. So anyway Sir does not want me doing anything self destructive and so he put the rule on me that I need to ask permission to play with anyone other then Kam. He said my first rule. He said it like you will probably do more things that are not good for you so there will be more rules lol

Sir and I talked about a lot of interesting things last night and he let me in a little. :) Which is always a good thing. Builds the trust between us. It showed me how he feels about me too. And right at this time in my life I needed to know that. We talked about me doubting myself as a submissive again. What I am do not think I am getting across to him is that I can bottom no problem there. I know I am a good bottom. But submissive…..I am not sure. I just do not have that natural instinct I did 3 years ago.

I made an assumption today and I feel bad about it. I am sorry and told the person I was sorry. One time my assumption was wrong and I did bad : ( Live and learn? Right?

Wrote this after 1am:

Tonight was busy for me had lots of work things going on.

I have a piece of glass stuck in my foot still. *rolls eyes * it figures lol Kam tried to get out it out but little girl was out and she was not being very easy to get along with when screaming lol I hate having my feet touched so I was not being very still lol I wanted to call Todd. And ask him to come get it out. Because I knew I could lay still for him. I knew I could trust him to touch my feet. Not that I do not trust Kam too but I am not sure I can explain it. But I figured he was busy so I did not want to bother him.

Mistress DM gave me some of her opinions this morning. Hmmm not sure what to say on them at the moment. She gave me food for thought but not on the things I am sure she wanted too.

I talked to wench online tonight and she and I recalled a good time with Godiva chocolates, porno movies and her and I in bed *grin * It was fun to say the least. I remember shaking after that…..and being really out of it……first time I had fisted someone. It was VERY intense!

I hope I am able to go visit her and her Master. I am not sure I can afford it right now though. So I guess I will find out.


Monday, June 18, 2001

I was on an old account of mine looking through the filing cabinet to delete stuff out of it so that I can delete that name. Anyway there was a post about Discomfort vs Fear. With Todd I think he wanted me to push past fears so that I did not have them. But I am trying to figure out what is wrong with fear. Why do we have to overcome it? I see some places where that is a good thing. I am not sure if it is fear or discomfort in showing others my art. I would say a little of both. It is uncomfortable because people are seeing me. My art is like looking inside my soul. Seeing things I might want to keep a secret. Fear because what if you hate it? Acceptance - always comes back to acceptance.

Okay next topic....

D/s can be lived in any environment. I totally agree with this. It is like my speech on protocols. There are degrees that can be done around people who are not in the lifestyle without them even knowing. When Todd and I were out with Di once he never stopped being my Dominant even though were just people sitting there like everyone else. Sir and I have had similar experiences. He and I were just there but that underlining power was always there. An order might just seem like a request to most where it is an order to me. A can we have a few private moments looks like private time to others where it could be a correction, discipline, or punishment.

Next one...

I am open minded on poly...too open minded at times lol And have always wanted poly as I felt I needed different people to get the things I need. Plus I just have a big heart and love easily which is probably more the main reason why I am poly. Anyway....something that crossed my mind the other night is something I think I was even thinking of a year ago. I want to be a priority in someone's life. I want to be treated like I treat others. I want my partner to give up things just as much as I do because they want to. These are long term beliefs. Someone I am involved with for the moment. It is different. Yes, I want attention and time but I really have never had that problem with Sir. Actually Sir gives me more time then Todd did. Todd does have lots on his plate though - something I always wanted to *help* with but was not allowed.

Babble Babble Babble.....

Why did he not see me? Why did he not want to see me? What was it about me that made him only see what he wanted to see? Why did he not see he could learn a lot about D/s from me. I have been doing this on and off since the age of 18. I feel just life experiences he could learn a lot from me also. Maybe he will learn things as my friend. And I hope I learn things as his......

Okay all the above was wrote at 3am in the morning. yeah me

I just signed on yahoo messenger and I was messaged by a Dominant actually that I have talked to on and off for 6 months. He just does not get me to react. Not sure that makes sense...But I have lots of Dominants that would like to enslave me and make me theirs but I just at this moment feel blah. He talked to me and I would say yes Sir yes Sir yes Sir and everything he asked I would do with my Master but it was just reacting not feeling.

I have that feeling I had a week ago too. The need for pain which is dangerous for me at the moment. So lets hope it eases or being that being the demoee tonight at the caning class satisfies some of those pain needs. I just started feeling that way last night late the urge for pain.

I went to see Laura Croft Tomb Raider last night. It was pretty good. I drooled lots! lol


my submission.

I need to taken. I do not see submission as a gift. I have wrote about that before in my blogger. If it was a gift then I would be using my control, my will and my power to give it. And I it also implies that I have the power to take the gift away whenever I wish. That just does not seem like it would enslave me if I was able to take the gift away when I feel like it. To be powerless from it happening - that is Dominance. To be giving my submission and not really have a choice but that it comes out and is there just because the Dominant compelled it is D/s to me.

I feel I must have a strict Master. I need to know there are rules and I need to know they are serious and concrete. That there are consequences if I ever break them. There are few Dominants that want that amount of control and responsibility. Part of me fears finding my Master as it will be something that is hard for me. Fear. To push past fears. To have fears. To go further then I have before. What I fear the most I desire the most.

babbling babbling babbling today

Sunday, June 17, 2001

Okay I am going to do one

Yellow by ColdPlay

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.

I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called Yellow.

So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to have done,
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah, your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
You know, you know I love you so,
You know I love you so.

I swam across,
I jumped across for you,
Oh what a thing to do.

Cos you were all yellow
I drew a line,
I drew a line for you,
Oh what a thing to do,
And it was all yellow

Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
And you know for you,
I'd bleed myself dry for you,
I'd bleed myself dry.

It's true, look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,

Look how they shine.Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do.

I have liked this song from the first day I heard it.....

Follow me by Uncle Kracker

You don’t know how you met me
You don’t know why
You can’t turn around and say goodbye
All you know is when I’m with you
I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I’m singin’


Follow me everything is alright
I’ll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you
Want to leave I can guarantee
You won’t find nobody else like me

I’m not worried bout the ring you wear
Cuz as long as no one knows than nobody can care
You’re feelin’ guilty and I’m well aware
But you don’t look ashamed and baby I’m not scared
I’m singin’


Won’t give you money
I can’t give you the sky
Your better off if you don’t ask why
I’m not the reason that you go astray and
We’ll be all right if you don’t ask me stay


You don’t know how you met me
You don’t know why
You can’t turn around and say goodbye
All you know is when I’m with you
I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I’m singin’


I have lots of things that I need to be doing and right now I do not want to do any of them. I just want to go to sleep. I am sooo tired. I was suppose to met with someone today, but I am not mentally up to it. I just feel very tired. Kam is out looking at the car. I was screaming in the phone to Di last night as it was acting up. It freaked me a little lol Sir followed me about half way home and kept his cell on so in case I needed him I could call. It really was okay until I got off on my exit and was just a couple miles away from home. It is really weird. Kam just drove and said it was fine but put some fuel injector fluid in it.

I started that above paragraph and then went to do things and then laid down for an hour. I need more sleep right now and I just need to face that fact that I have been pushing myself too much with work, Todd, and all the other things in my life.

Kam I discussed if it is worth him just getting a junker car to get him to and from work (maybe it will hoping it will) for me to have more time for work. Because as it stands right now I give 4 hours to Kam to get him to and from work. Or the other option is for him to save for a BIG down payment because of his credit history and not being his present job quite a year yet. Anyway, not sure what to do just know that driving him to work takes lots of my time and burns me out and my work suffers because of it.

Mistress DM messaged me today. I have not mentioned work in my blogger in a while. There is reasons for that....and basically it is things I cannot get into here. Though Work is going good considering all that has happened to my business since being back from Germany. I had some problems but everyone in the community have been very support of me and that has been great. :)

I was just looking at the profile that Todd originally contacted me under. *soft smile* It is me and how do I explain that those things are me to people. The quote I have in the profile is....."One must do violence to the object of one's desire; when it surrenders, the pleasure is greater" ~ De Sade

When I first created that name I wanted to find a Master to just take me away and beat on me. I wanted to lose myself in the pain. I had someone contact me at that time that would have made me disappear from the planet. And at that time Jackie had just become very important to me. So I could not do that to her even though the desire I had to disappear from the planet was very great. That name is still on my buddy list for yahoo messenger but I do not see him on ever. He told me when he found the one to disappear he would never use that name again. So I guess he found her.

Sound scary? It is. But real and I know he was real. And I know I wanted it very badly but my fears and love I had for others stopped me.

I have a profile/website and email address for that name that Todd contacted me under. I get lots of WANNABE's writing to it. And the reason Todd's stood out it never mentioned BDSM or sex. And I know when men read my profile and website by the time they are done they are rock hard. So they cannot help but contact me and be sexual and try to be Dominant. But it usually does not work with me. I am not a wannabe. I am not looking for just sex and bdsm. And I try to explain that in the website but most men do not see it.

That name was created also at a time when I was missing Don. Why do I miss Don? I really do not understand that one.

On to other topics....

Sir called. He is so good. He was calling to make sure I was okay and not crashing and such. Aftercare he takes very seriously. I once crashed and did not tell him. He really was not happy that I did not tell him until I was over it and okay. We noticed that many Dominants at the party did not seem to do aftercare. Someone was using a violet wand at the end of party. It is something Sir has not done yet. I think I should teach him :) I actually think I should get SMART in contact with the person I saw do a great demo on it so that they can get her here to do a demo. Note to Moni it does not mean I do not want to give you people too....I just think that Carpe Diem has some really good people it can call on where SMART is just coming back and I want it to be a bigger better group since it is in Cleveland where I live lol

I have pulled up 2 websites I have. I going to work on both of them.

Todd just messaged me while I was afk getting a diet coke (my addiction lol) and got some jalapeno chips. I have been doing good with eating still. Not gone crazy with the stress. Thursday night I wanted to eat a lot but I did not. I did not even get the thing I wanted to have a Paradise Pie from Chili's it is awesome lol

I am just writing and not sure I am writing about anything of great importance but I just have the need to get back in the groove of writing.

I guess I am going to work on my websites....

So Mistress DM will be happy because I will post the url for the one that I have been teasing her with...well I am sure she will want both url's now. That second one is hard for me to share as it is extreme and I really do not want to hear about how unsafe I am being with it being out there.

Always comes back to acceptance with me.

Well, lets see....Saturday....

Today was a hard day.....Kam and I talked about heavy things between us....

I am worried about Di.

Tonight I went to SMART - met Sir there. Then SMART had a play party afterwards and we went to that.

Sir walked up to me at SMART and those feeling were there instantly. I was nervous as it had been a while since he and I have been together in a Dom/sub way like we would that night.....i mean he always is Dominant but yet at the same time a friend and gentlemen. One reason I liked Todd as I felt he was the same....Dominant but also a friend and gentlemen. Anyway I was scared....doubting myself as a submissive. I screwed up right away because I lacking service oriented skills these days. Something I might have to ask Sir to help "train" me to do once again. I did immediately have the urge to kneel for him. I blushed right away and did not hide my face at first. As the evening progressed though and with Sir's reminder that I could hide my face I did. It felt right. It is part of me. And Sir reminded me that it was....danae. It was great to stand behind him and rest my head on him...bury my face into his back. To feel his touch....

At one point he put his hand in my hair and brought my eyes looking up into his.....the things I saw........the things it did to me....the surge of his power coming from him to me showing me who I was...and where I belonged. And tonight with him it was exactly where I was......there with him. It scared me and excited me all at once. I knew that tonight I had no choice but to surrender to him. To let go and fly.

Since I was in Germany Sir looks out for me even more then he did. I guess maybe the feelings have deepened and so he cares more and so he looks out for me more. I think back to the other night at TGIF where I was crying and he said afterwards that he just wanted to come hold me. He sees me differently now. I mean not since crying but since coming back from Germany. It is different and in a good way. He is more open with me maybe that is it....he sees that I am not always strong. That I am vulnerable.

Okay so we scened. And it was good. I needed it more then I can even begin to express. He needed it too! And I floated away and it was good. I was shaking afterwards. I wanted him soooo badly *blushing* Even when we got to my car I was still wanting him in the worse way and I could not express it and I did not do anything to show him that.

He used his floggers on me mmmmm mmmmmm mmmmm good :)

And he used his bottle *wrinkles her nose* (but in some way of course I love that he is sadistic and uses it lol)

When we were walking out a Dom stopped me and told me I was making nice noises. Oh my that was a full body blush lol

Sir has started doing something new with me that no one has ever done....mmmmmmmmmmmm He takes my hair and wraps it around my neck and strangles me with it basically. He does not do it very long, but it is very intense!

I enjoyed my time with him so very much. I have missed it. I needed it. And he did too. Afterwards he was standing behind me leaning over into my ear he told me he had missed me. He thanked me. I wanted to cry I wanted to tell him how much I love him. But I did not want to freak him at the party lol Almost called him Master once during the scene also. If I had been floating a little higher I probably could not have stopped myself.

He ran his fingers over my bruise several times. I felt...ashamed. I am not quite sure why except that I was marked by another man while being with him and having such instense submissive was just hard to have him look at it and see the worry on his face. There is a knot inside the bruise. If it is like the last bruise I had with a knot the knot is still there and that was done almost 3 years ago. So lets hope this knot does not stay forever.....or maybe it will be a reminder to me.

Sir has done things in the last few days that have given me a since of stability and made me feel not so lost....basically he has taken some control. Part of me wants him to take full control so I can just not think. Part of me knows that would be probably very healing for me right now. I need to just be able to be and I can with his control. Tonight he proved that over and over again. I was more relaxed, more myself then I have been in a while. I was still lost and grieving but the light that is there inside me was shining brighter tonight. I talked and laughed and watched and was just his....there with him to do as he wished with and it felt so natural. I wonder if it felt natural to him?

When I got home from the private party last night I discussed with Honey something that had been rolling around in my head all day Friday. Anyway the thing had to do with Sir. And so on the way back from the party to drop me off at my car......I asked him about it. I shocked him slightly. I freaked him a little bit. (that is always something I have loved about Sir that he admits when he is freaked/not sure on things and so on...expressing his feelings is good and lots of Dominants do not do that). He did not answer me yet. And it was hard to ask him. I know he understands exactly why I asked him and I think he actually agrees that it is a good thing. I just do not know if thinks he is the right person for the job. He is though. He has proved that to me over and over again.

I talked to him right before meeting Todd the first time....and before things end with Todd Sir is the one I talk to then also. Gives me strength and focus always. I am very lucky to have him in my life.

I know 2 things he is going to fear with the question I asked him is that I will get close to him and he feels he is not able to give me all I need. He will worry about me falling more in love with him then I already am and worry that I will get hurt. I need his strength and protection right now. And I do not see anything happening that is not good for the both of us.

Okay I better get to bed Sir told me to get some sleep.....he let me finish this blogger first though :)


Saturday, June 16, 2001


Was pretty relaxing for all that has went on in the past couple of days. Honey let me sleep in and took Kam to work. :) That was sooo nice of her. I never get a day off. I do on weekends but not really because I am always working on weekends. Anyway then she came home and we kind of hung out here for a while and then I went shopping and met Moni for lunch. I wanted Honey and Moni to meet and they liked each other. I knew they would. We then went to a private play party tonight. Honey had never really been to one so it was cool that she could go. She was beat and I just watched. I called Sir while at the party as I felt he might worry about me if he did not get a call or email. And I felt he was upset I was at a play party without him. I had no desire to play with anyone but him. The other night Honey, Di, Todd, Sir and I were at TGIF's and Honey was talking to Todd and I was sitting on a bench out in front of TGIF and Sir was standing on the sidewalk talking to me. And I had the greatest/strongest urges to kneel for him. I told him that right at moment. Because he makes me feel submissive. It dawned on me at that moment also that I had never kneeled for Todd. I am not sure I ever felt that desire. I wanted to please Todd ALWAYS! And I do with Sir too but kneeling, giving myself in that way....a submissive way....I never felt Todd. I was compelled to be a different kind of submissive and I guess I felt it was the next level I was wanting.

Today Kam and I had a talk that we had a few weeks ago but it did not quite sink in. And he took it hard. And I knew he would..but it is different right now. I did not tell about Todd until today. I wanted him to see that I could handle it on my own. He told me I am doing really good considering how I feel about Todd. I am doing good. I am very proud of myself.

I was worried about that I had not cried. But Honey pointed out something I have been crying a lot in the last 2 weeks. I had my tears of grieving for the last 2 weeks. That might be true.

I look at the bruise on my breast (which is still there even though it is a week old). I think of our last night together. You never know it is the last time. And our last time was........sooooo intense. It scared him. It scared me but for different reasons. He left so fast. I know that the things he did to me scared him. He was scared that he enjoyed them. Scared that they turned him on as much as they did. I begged him to hurt me. I *needed* the pain. I needed it so much. I had craved it and my body was on fire from need. It was not a want at that was a raw need. Those times scare me - sometimes other times I am very accepting that my body/mind is telling me something and just go with it.

So much is rolling around in my head right now.

Honey leaves in a few hours. Kam and I have some rough times ahead as we make more of separate lives. I love him and always will. He has done good things for me and bad things. But most importantly I am here today because of him. That is a good thing :)

Things with Sir.....I am not quite sure where they stand. I mean I never let go of him...I couldn't. And when I talk about him to people they see how I feel about him. And then I *want* to be friends with Todd - go figure.

Todd had me writing in my blogger - updating it at least once a week and then every Friday posting something that I learned about myself.

When I wrote the blogger on Friday morning. I thought of adding that section but did not want too...but I do.....

So I learned this week I am wanting to keep this section of my blogger for me instead of Todd. I learned that I worth a lot. I learned I am worth loving. I learned I am submissive :) I learned that I love easily. I learned that part of me still feels there is something I need to learn from Todd. I learned that I have good friends (knew that always but appreciate them all even more right at this moment), I learned that I want to have a life with it all. I want to be in a long term committed relationship with love and D/s. I learned that I am right A LOT lol I learned I miss Jim very much.


Friday, June 15, 2001


I am very lucky to have the friends I do.

I have always had lots of friends. I am a social person and like doing things with friends but more importantly I like friends to be able to a "friend" to. To have people in my life that I care for and they care for me. To know that they can call me and I will be there for them and they will be here for me. In Ohio I have a group of friends that are the best friends I could ever have asked for. They are the type of friends you can call at 3am in the morning and say I need you and they would be there.

I remember when I first told Todd that he said want to test that theory. I do not think he believed I had friends like that because he did not. I have friends across the country that would be here for me if I need them. Friends in different countries *smiles thinking of her beautiful honey*

I am glad Honey was here this week.

All things for a reason lol

Okay off topic because of course my mind is floating all over....

Last night Todd kept asking me why I canceled my appointment I had set up for 6pm. And I am sitting here today shaking my head why the hell would he not think I would have. I knew on Wednesday night when I got in my car that he wanted to just be friends. And I want more. Todd needs friends. So I guess I will be his friend if he wants me to be.

I told him once I had lots of friends I did not need more and he said, "must be nice." That is all he said even though he will disagree with that but those that know me know when I focus I remember EVERYTHING. It drives Kam nuts lol I have not always focused on Todd and our conversations so I don't remember all of them but I do that one because it was an important one and I was focusing.

So why would I want to be in an appointment when I knew he was "breaking up" with me so to speak. I mean it was pretty hard just to do all the things I needed to yesterday because I knew what was going to happen. I told Honey to tell him he and should talk in private and she did. And yet he picked a public place. And then I wanted Honey there when he told me. I had reasons for that one. And he said he wanted to be alone. I know why he wanted to be alone.

Oh right now I am sure he would say you are making lots of assumptions. :)

I am.

He told me the other night I always have to be right. I don't but I am. It is just a fact. I am right more times then I am wrong. I roll things around in my head and find the possible reasons and then something shows me the real reason. Sometimes I do not listen to it though that is a downfall. I have a hard time trusting myself fully.

Okay now to trust....


I do not fully trust myself. I gave Todd a lot more then I gave anyone else and I know he does not see that. But he did not give me any trust back so he only allowed that trust to go so far by limiting it. He limited the trust level. I was willing to give him all my trust.

Broken submissives...

Boy this one will be an article at some point :)

I used to be broken submissive.

I am not anymore. Yes, I have lots of things I need to work on but no one needs to "fix" me. I am who I am. Now I want someone who loves me despite my short comings. And wants to be there to help me keep growing and going forward.

There are Dominants out there that want to fix submissives. I wonder what they do when they fix them. Leave them....heartbroken is what I feel. And also are they really Dominants? I think they are so broken to fix something allows them to feel good about themselves. To be a Dominant you must be confident in yourself - all parts of yourself even the short comings. And you have to be strong in your beliefs and know who you are.....and so far those Dominants that I have found that want to fix broken submissives are insecure.

All this being said the last few days and the next....

I do love Todd.

See the Meet Joe Black despite faults.

We were on different pages. Story of my life lol

I have a big heart. I love lots of people. And hope I always have a big heart.

I have not cried yet.

For some reason I do not think I will.....

I cried 1 day over Sir.

Just like with Sir the first thoughts last night were of Jim.....

Always of Jim.....

something I need to figure out I guess.....


Thursday, June 14, 2001

Well, not even sure where to begin......


A few weeks ago I had tarot reading by SJ and it talked LOTS of illusions. That there was an illusion in my life. It is hard to be told one thing and have something else happen. That is why is why He was an illusion.


I am going to change how I address people in this blogger. Sir will stay Sir *soft smile* Daddy is now going to be Kam. And that will be a hard one for him. And Aslan will now be Todd.

What do people look for....


I think we all want to be accepted for who we are no matter what we do or what our deepest darks thoughts are of....

Meet Joe Black is a movie that comes back to me OFTEN! I saw it the first weekend Honey and I met each other. It has played a big part in how I define love since that day. The brother in law tells Joe that he knew the sister loved him because she accepted everything about him. He was the wheeler dealer type and seemed to always be that way but she accepted him...loved him for who he was always.

I am so many things......

All are a part of me. The pain and darkness in me is a part of me. The parts that feel I need D/s in my life ALWAYS (at varying levels - protocols) is a part of me. The part that wants to be touched, held, to be pampered are a part of me. (those parts are harder for me to deal with then the pain, darkness and D/s.)

I want someone to be there for me when I cry. And when I am happy and when I am sad. When I am pmsing lol and when I am flying on top of the world.

I want someone who wants to give me guidance and structure. I want someone who is strong.

I could go on and on with what I want....

Let me talk about this week...

Saturday Kam and I went to do work stuff and then cleaned my car out. It needed it. It had cali hair in it still....miss my puppy.

WOW going off topic for a moment!!!

I have goose

Sir just told me he had a question and then said no it is not a question.....and just how he worded it I could tell an order was coming.....

Sir: you are allowed to blush and cover your face now

I know that rule bothered Sir. He found it enduring me covering my face. And Todd told me not to do it...because well his reason was that I had too pretty of face to cover.

Okay back to play by play of week...

Saturday....We then had lunch with Di and I told her some dreams I had. Which ended up causing a big fight/miscommunication between Todd and I. And basically he ended things and then about 3 hours later we were back together. *shrugs* Pushed and pulled and confused......daily with him.

Then went to pick up Honey :)

Brunch and shopping!!!!

Work and then dinner with Sir. I wanted Honey to meet him. They had fun flirting with each other :)

We went to Gabe's bought Kam clothing that he needed a lot. Resisted the urge to buy Todd clothing too. Got a fake leather skirt for $4 :) Then Honey and I did something I had been meaning to do for a while. And then we got Kam from work and went to meet someone who did not show.


I invited Todd and Di to go out with Honey and I so they could meet her. It was important to me. And I felt Todd was going to blow me off. Di got there and I had a margarita and then had a few more. We called Sir and asked him to join us (thinking Todd was not going too). And well both ended up being there but it was a good thing. Lots of things happened that I needed to happen.

I am glad I had Honey here this week.

Todd told me he just wants to be friends.

And now 5 mins it is a new day.

Have not cried over him yet. Not sure I will....


Sunday, June 10, 2001

I am not sure what to be writing.....

Things are up and down still. Today actually I feel the most positive about things though then I have.

Honey got here last night about 3am. :)

Thursday night I got to spend the night with Aslan. We did not get together until late. Di called me while on the way to hotel room. I was very worried about her and wished she would have come to hang out with me.

Aslan and I had a very intense night. Things from his past came up.

Then I have been craving pain - intense dark pain all week. And so I begged him to hurt me. I am sure most would not understand what happened and why I begged. But I stopped trying to explain a long time ago. I just know it is something I need at this time in my life. Aslan did good but I know he has lots of extra thoughts about what went on.

I was crashing on Friday morning and then would bring it back together and then started crashing again in the afternoon.

I felt guilt over some things that had happened.

Friday evening I was suppose to get together with Sir and he was going to beat me :)

But I had not slept at all on Thursday night soooo after Daddy and I came home from dinner and a margarita I was ready to crash. I went to bed about 7pm and slept until 12:30 and got up and called and left Aslan a message and then saw Sir online. He was disappointed we did not get together but I know I needed the sleep. I have been on an emotional, mental and physical rollercoaster the last few weeks and I am just not getting enough sleep. So I needed that sleep. I slept until 6am. I woke up with a nightmare. I had several that night. :(

There is so much I do not know about Aslan and I want to know all. I want to share my life with him and I want him to be able to do the same with me.

Saturday Daddy and I went and did some work things and then cleaned my car out. We then had lunch with Di. I had not heard from Aslan since the previous day when I called him about crashing and feeling guilt. So I was worried about him. I felt he also was trying to deal with some things that happened and I think he was trying to pretend they did not happen. I never want him to hurt.

Anyway the rest that happened....happened. And I feel we are moving beyond it. I am very happy about that.

I want everyone to meet Honey so trying to think how I can get everything into the schedule lol

Well I need to sign off...


ps: I did not write about what I learned about myself this week....on Friday. What did i learn, I learned that D/s is life to me and vanilla. I look at slave girl and she is vanilla to me. She is kinky she is into bdsm and extreme things but her life day in and day out is very "ordinary." She is a housewife and a mother and her life is normal. I guess that is what I want. I want a strong man who wants a wife to serve him, please him and make his home happy. I have come full circle. I am right back to where I was with Jim but I do know I still want the kinky stuff and bdsm things. Jim did those things and the life we had would have been very nice if he had not felt guilty for the bdsm/kinky things. I told Daddy that if things did not work out with Aslan and I, that I thought I was going to look for a vanilla man...that was strong and introduce him to the kinky things. Just thoughts nothing that I have spent a lot of time journaling about yet so not solid thoughts yet.

Saturday, June 09, 2001


"Of course he's not safe. Who said anything about being safe? But he's good." (Said of Aslan, in C.S. Lewis' The Lion,the Witch, and the Wardrobe)

Is he an illusion?


Tuesday, June 05, 2001

I am sitting is the first night I have been at home really and just been able to be. I have work to do and stuff to do but I am just relaxing. I have surfed the net a little bit. I am sitting here with hair in a pony tail, wearing pjs that have a puppy on the top and paw prints on the bottoms, and I eating animal crackers...hmm wonder where my head is tonight. :)

I found a site by visiting Kimiko's website. She is someone that I should write on sometime. I mean I have "known of her" for about hmm 5 to 6 years online maybe. But anyway I found a site by visiting hers....and it surprised me to find on her site. It is a site about Anita Blake. There is a series of books by Laurall Hamilton that I have read and Daddy has read me :) And I LOVE THEM!!! Anyway this site is GREAT!

I know Mistress DM is worrying about me a lot. And I am not sure how to push her worries away. Maybe there is something to worry about. Maybe there is not.

She said it started before I left for Germany. Maybe Aslan is right I am not submissive. She said last night in ims I called her Ma`am more then I had in months. Yesterday I was trying so be in more submissive mind set.

I have been thinking about broken submissives today. What I mean by that term is submissive that want the Dom to come in "fix" them. I think I was one of those submissives once upon a time but I am not anymore. Now I am a submissve that wants to learn new things and have growth in areas I still struggle with. But I am not broken.

Sometimes I feel Aslan is a Dominant that wants to help "fix" a broken submissive and reasons we have some miscommunications is because he goes forth as a Dominant wanting to fix me and I am not here to fix. I am here to control, Dominant, guide and teach.

Mistress DM just messaged me. She says I am in and out of myself. Maybe I am broken. Ugghh I hated saying that because.....I know damn well better then that. It took me soooo long to get the strength and courage to do what is best for ME! Mistress DM said she will tell me what she thinks of these posts of Aslan in a few weeks.

Daddy admitted to me last night that even though he does not like that fact that he feels Mistress DM and Sir are wanting to take me a way from him....that he knows they care for me and do not want to hurt me. So at this moment things I have told him both have said he is glad I have them in my life telling me the things they me mental cold showers I guess. Even though I just told Mistress DM that I am in denial still.

I do not know why but there is this feeling deep keeps saying something. I feel that there is something I am suppose to learn from Aslan. But I cannot figure out what it is yet. But it just keeps turning over and over saying hang on...keep going forward. Try. Hard.

Don popped into my head a lot today. Aslan read the blogger on what I felt Aslan meant. I did not think Don was God but in away I felt he was the most powerful being. He had the power to kill me..almost did a few times. If he would have said go to the roof and jump off I would have. I hate that he had that power over me and I loved it I craved it. I feared it. I needed it. I would have ended up dead though if I kept with it.

Emotional.....Physical.....Mental...torture.....Don did them all. He broke me down. Do I really want that again?


Monday, June 04, 2001

When Aslan told me to use the name Aslan for him. I knew the name sounded familiar. And I felt right away it was from the Narnia series by CS Lewis. But I was not for sure so I did not mention it. The other night Mistress DM messaged me and she asked me if Aslan had told me what Aslan meant yet. She asked me if I was suppose to find out or that he was going to tell me. I know she respects what others want and she did not want to tell me something he was going too. And I said that I thought Aslan was from the series by CS Lewis. We then talked about what Alsan represented in the books. Alsan was Savior...God...King.

I tend to put my Owners on a pedestal and place them up like they are God/King and have felt they were my Savior at times also.

Aslan has faults..thank gawd :) But I could see myself placing him there anyway. Because that is how I am as a submissive.

My Master's word is it. I follow what he says always.

I have placed him there.....before I knew where we were going. I am still not sure where I am going with him. But I going to keep giving myself a mental cold shower to keep my feet on the ground. :) Thanks for the term Mistress DM - mental cold shower :) I like it!

Well, I need to jet...going to have lunch with Moni....

Well I want to thank those who were concerned about seeing my mood indicator on Friday – it said Abandoned. I pretty much felt that way a lot this week. Aslan has a lot of heavy stuff going on in his life and I am completely understanding of the situations but it does not change that I want his attention too.

I want to Thank Sir for Friday night. He gave me exactly what I needed. I am thankful to have him in my life and that we can still just be with each other even though he knows of my feeling for Aslan.

I wrote this blogger today. It was great. From the gut – from the heart – from me and then the power went off. I lost it all.

This blogger I am writing will be hard to publish but trying to be true to myself…for me and for Aslan.

I just got home from SJ’s. I called her because well she is great  but also because I needed a tarot reading. It was an interesting reading. I needed to hear it but if I accept it all right now is the question. I am not sure I want to. And actually I think I might not. Just for a little while.

Each person comes into our lives to give us something. We can learn from them all. And I am suppose to learn something from Aslan right now I am not quite sure what that is….but I know I am suppose. Part of me feels he is just here to give me a boost to go on to the next person and the other part of me feels he is it…the one. Which probably scares him more hearing.

While I was in Germany I came to determine that I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be accepted for who I am…all that different aspects of danae. I wrote something about it while in Germany…and I am going to look for it and post it. I did not post it then for I did not want those in my life to get that I was talking about them. I just needed to express what I wanted.

I also at that time started reading more about life as a 24/7 submissive again. And I read over things I wrote and it sounded like almost a different person. I am different now. But many of my core beliefs are still a part of me. I want a Master. I want to be loved by my Master and accepted. I want to be an owned submissive.

I just was reading over Aslan’s emails to me when we first met online. They are interesting and then almost seem different. Not sure I can explain that.

This week….


Well I had visions of what I wanted to happen when I stepped off that plane and of course that was the furthest thing that happened lol I first walked right past Aslan. We then proceed to have hmmm miscommunications/misunderstandings – not one but like 4 or 5 of them.

The first time it happened….I felt very much like I did when Jim and I would have misunderstandings. And that disturbed me. The disagreements were not huge things but they mattered to me.

For a long time I denied my feelings. And I did not express them to anyone. Now I do. And I think often Aslan views me expressing my feelings as not very submissive. And view it as being submissive in how I word it as I am not yelling and screaming lol

I feel like Aslan was almost trying to get me mad. And push me. I feel often he pulls me close and only to push me away. And I want to learn more about him and that is hard with someone like him.

So much floating around in my head right now…..good and not so good. But all for what is best for danae.


Aslan and I got together to talk. I thought we were going to spend the night together and we did not. Something that kind of bothers me. Aslan says things but does not always do what he says. Work was the priority that night.

One thing that was interesting that I wrote when trying to express what I wanted in love….I wanted someone who would not leave me alone when crying.

It was really important to me.

I was kicking the bed like a little girl begging him not to go and he kind patted me on the head and then left. Well, how I was lying on the bed and this hotel room….I could not see the door. So thinking I was alone. I proceeded to cry just let it out. And I did for a while and got up to blow my nose and there behind me sitting next to the door on a couch....

He had sat there and listened to me cry.

I have discussed this with Di and neither of us quite understand why he left me there to cry by myself. And I still do not.

So many things I just let go and believe they will show me what I needed to when it is time. But it is so hard to do that over and over without getting some doubts squelched.

I am getting really tired so I will finish this tomorrow but need to write this….

Tonight was a VERY hard night. And I still have LOTS of unresolved issues and feelings. But I feel more confident that I am not losing it. I have confidence that I can get a hold of what is best for danae.

What I am going to do that might not be right for me – but I am not for sure – Is keep on with Aslan and just go day to day. Enjoying my time with him…before he moves on. Or I do.


Friday, June 01, 2001

This weeks update.....

hmmm I am just not in the mood to write tonight and on the way out......

Meeting Sir.....

I have been on a rollercoaster this week.

I will explain better when I can focus more. Probably after I get beat lol....

This week I have learned....hmmmm I have thought on this all day. I did learn I need Aslan. And I do not like saying that outloud.

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