Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I am 40.....and Self Conscious

If you read Master's blog you will have read that I made a comment about age appropriateness of what someone was wearing the other day.

We were in Office Depot on Sunday and as Master was checking out a lady came in. I was watching her as Master was checking out. She was wearing a dress that was about 1 or 2 inches past her bottom, fishnets and heels (more detailed description later in the post.)

Anyway, I was looking at her and kind of amazed she was wearing what she was...normally in the past I wouldn't have given her a second thought. Or maybe have thought what Master said, "is that her Sunday best?" But the age appropriate comment was way out of left field for me. But I turned 40 this year and with it has come lots of internal dialog. So on the way out Master looked at her too and I said, "that was so not age appropriate." I instantly realized what I said and then I got upset because it brought home why I said it. I am getting older and I have been going through lots of --- I won't be able to do various things because I am too old now and just won't ever have a chance to experience them again. And I am just old and so have to do what others at my age do. It wasn't that I don't think a 40 year old can dress sexy. I know I can even at 40. What made me say it is because my internal dialog has convinced me I am old so I am to be like other women of my age. So that comment wouldn't have happened a couple years ago because it would have never crossed my mind. But because of the internal dialog I have been having since turning 40 - it came up and I was instantly upset that I said it.

Now all that said - I know also even if I didn't say it I would have thought I didn't like what she was wearing. I would have thought it was great that she was trying to show off her slutty side. But because my mind has been trained/conditioned to see what is sexy per Master's desires (not completely mind you as there are something I still have trouble wrapping my mind around but in the list of things that say sexy to Master) she didn't hit the mark. And I actually did make the comment that she would have been more sexy in other things and still looked age appropriate by "normal" standards. Such as if she had been wearing a pencil skirt, a satin blouse maybe with a some cleavage showing, spiked heels - she would have looked damn hot. Instead she I think was trying to look sexy by wearing things that "people" say is sexy - mini skirt/dress, fishnets and heels. But just because it is those things doesn't mean it looks sexy. She was wearing a crushed velvet print mini dress with dark autumn leaves, fishnets and what I call conservative business heel - rounded toe, square heel - not the chunky platforms just a square heel. (Similar to these but her heel was just a little taller.) When I told Master what I thought she should have been wearing to look sexy - he of course agreed as it hit his clothing fetish.

Okay so on to the next part....I made the comment that if she wanted to be wearing that go home and give her guy a lap dance. And again maybe that was coming from inner dialog of I am 40 and old. But I think it has more to do with my views and that I would have been self-conscious in such an outfit in Office Depot. I totally get that everyone is different. I am just saying I wouldn't want to wear what she was wearing to Office Depot. To a bar, to a strip club or lifestyle event/party totally get it as it was trashy and slutty. And I have totally dressed in a similar way and have things in the closet to fit that description. But if I was wanting to be going out shopping and looking sexy - it would be something else because I am just not comfortable with it outside certain circumstances.

I am sad that I have become very self-conscious and even wearing something like it to a bar or strip club now - today - I would be a little panicked. I don't dress like I used to when in Ohio so I think have become more self-conscious because it is not normal for me anymore. And I really struggle over it because even at home with Master alone I still feel self-conscious. When I was in Ohio, I was going to lifestyle meetings, out with friends, play parties and such and dressing up was just normal for me so I was used to it. It was just part of my life. And yes I was self-conscious then too but it isn't nearly the level it is now and I just did it because well I was going out. Now dressing up just isn't something I have opportunity to do in public.

Case in point Master recently bought me a blouse. Now I love the blouse on the hanger but when I put it on I felt very exposed as my cleavage is a focal point of the blouse. I wore it out shopping one day and every place we went into -- each clerk said something about the blouse and I had stares in the store from other shoppers. It made me even more uncomfortable knowing all those eyes were on me. It was a cute fashionable blouse -- nothing inappropriate about it. But I still was very aware of the eyes on me while wearing it. Six years ago I wouldn't have thought twice about wearing it. I would have been excited to wear it. And I really don't think it has anything to do with age. It is just the view of me has changed. I am not used to dressing that way.

So although I wouldn't wear a crushed velvet mini-dress in Office Depot - I still would have problems dressing sexy in public because I have self-image issues. But initially the comment came out of my mouth because of my inner dialog about age -- which I logically can say is silly. I just haven't been able to get my logical to align with the emotions.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008


From an older Daily OM Horoscope that I saved....
"Choosing not to compete with the people in your life allows you to live up to your standards without worrying about theirs. When you measure your achievements against other people’s accomplishments, it is easy to become defensive because there will always be someone who has accomplished more. Eschewing competition means you can narrow your focus and concentrate entirely on getting ahead rather than being distracted by the need to outdo someone else. Your aims will reflect your inner values and what you truly want out of life. The challenges you face will be ones you set for yourself, and no one else’s success will cause you to doubt yourself or your capabilities. Choose not to compete today, and you will be able to take greater pride in your accomplishments."

I am not really a competitive person but I fall into comparing myself with others. I get so hung up on what others have accomplished I end up setting myself up to fail or miss all the ways I do serve Master that are wonderful accomplishments.

I heard a little story about a zen master watching an archery competition and one competitor was really concentrating on winning. But he was doing very badly and someone asked the zen master why the person was doing badly and he said "his need to win drains him of power." That focusing on winning is putting energy to the future instead of just putting his energy into the now and just doing the competition.

And it can be similar to that I am so busy looking at others and what they are doing that I fail to live now - my life and/or miss all that great things we are doing in my relationship right now.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

reality makes it a bit different

Lolita Wolf posted an answer to How much pain can you take? And she had a quote from Joseph Bean, "Bottoms lie." I was thinking of it in terms of overall relationships -- what we want in a relationship, what we desire in the moment or long term. And it isn't just bottoms, it is submissives, it is slaves, it is dominants, tops and Masters too...heck it is everyone - lifestyle or not. We go into the relationship thinking it will be one way - believing we can do all the things we desire and how we picture the relationship in our head, but it just doesn't happen that way. Reality of doing and even just being always changes. Being a slave is nice in theory. Even just negotiating a scene with a play partner is nice in theory. Every relationship is nice in theory. But reality can change it all. Often what we think and desire is too much for reality. It just can't fit. Or as Lolita said, "their fantasies are bigger than their realities."

All that said makes it kind of sound depressing....but actually I enjoy my reality. It makes me feel so at peace to accept reality. Because things don't always fit in reality doesn't make our life less exciting. It is an amazing journey even keeping it real

Friday, April 25, 2008

Isolation because Alone

A couple weeks ago when Master was out of town (he is out of town again this week which made me think of this) a good friend gave me a call to chat. And she recalled I don't have a car (gave it away to a neighbor in need). Master has a car that he takes when he goes out of town. So when he leaves there is no car here. He is gone often a week at time so I am completely alone for a week. She asked if I leave the house while he is out of town and frankly it is a rarity. I get the mail and take out the garbage.

Closet isolation is completely different headspace and at the same time similar. I sit here knowing I haven't talked to anyone but Master, I have went outside 2 times to get mail and once to bring out the garbage. And here alone. It does bring the reality that I am owned home (pun intended).

Yes in reality I could walk out this door and keep walking but on the other hand I can't. I think there is a difference -- fine line difference at times --- between being "able" to leave and "believing" you are able to leave. I also think there is a fine line between can do and will do.

Several years ago babalon gave an example that stuck in my head and summed it up for me.....
"A. Can I throw a puppy into speeding traffic? no.
B. Can I leave my owner [without his permission]? no."

It is the same for me. Is there some extreme circumstance where I could be able to do A or B? Yes...I am sure there is something out there that might make me believe I can do so. I am sure I have the ability but I don't think until I believe leaving is the last option in an extreme situation that I would actually be able to leave.

For me Him owning me equals I can't leave. I don't believe I can, I don't think I can, plus I don't want to leave. And just as I can't throw a puppy into traffic - I can't leave my owner. It goes against what I am emotionally/mentally conditioned to do - so I don't ponder or worry about leaving and I am glad it is that way.

And so this week at home alone without Master -- isolated without being locked up. A subtle reminder that I am owned. And of course in that odd way that it happens makes me feel good and loved.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Yes or No Meme

I have had a bad migraine cycle so not posted the answers to the last 2 questions.

So posting a meme....
Only two rules: You must answer yes or no. You may not explain unless someone asks.

Taken a picture naked? Yes
Made money illegally? Yes
Had a one night stand? Yes
Been in a fist fight? Yes
Slept with your best friend? No
Had sex in a public place? Yes
Ditched work to have sex? Yes
Slept with a member of the same sex? Yes
Seen someone die? No
Ran from the police? No
Woke up somewhere and not remember how you got there? No
Worn your partners unmentionables? No
Fallen asleep at work? Yes
Used toys in the bedroom? Yes
Ran a red light? Yes
Been fired? No
Been in a car accident? Yes
Pole danced or done a striptease? Yes
Loved someone you shouldn't? Yes
Sang karaoke? No
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
Laughed so hard you peed your pants? No
Caught someone having sex? Yes
Kissed a perfect stranger? Yes
Shaved your partner? Yes
Given your private parts a nickname? No
Ever gone in public without underwear? Yes
Had sex on a roof top? No
Played chicken? No
Mooned/flashed someone? No
Do you sleep naked? Yes
Blacked out from drinking? No
Felt like killing someone? No
Had sex more than 5 times in one day? Yes
Been with someone because they were in a band? No
Taken 10 shots of liquor in a day? No
Shot a gun? No
Gone outside naked? Yes

Monday, April 07, 2008

News Media

Okay so I clicked on this headline on - "Rape survivor hopes controversial T-shirt will help others" At the beginning of the piece they say that the person didn't want her image shown - but had her on phone interview. They showed her name and then an image of her website while she talked. Then they talked to another person/expert and then....they showed a picture of Heather in the t-shirt. She said she didn't want her picture shown and they did it anyway. How so very nice of them. (that is said with sarcasm just in case it isn't coming across in words on a screen.)

Heather was one of the reasons I started blogging. I have read her blog since 1999.

Sunday, April 06, 2008


I did want to pass this on...if you have a Livejournal account please check this out...

Kumimonster the beautiful fetish bondage model had her LJ account deleted. It sounds like (please know this is all second hand/third/forth hand as I hadn't read her journal in a while) she posted a snippet of something that was copyrighted (which under copyright laws you can quote a limited amount without permission) and someone turned her in for abuse because they didn't like what she was saying in regards to it. And LJ gave her 2 options deletion of her LJ account or she just delete the entry. Well...the entry wasn't doing anything that violated LJ terms of abuse or copyright laws and she explained this to them and they still deleted her account.

So there is a petition to get her journal back. As always LJ seems to screw things up. I mean if they can't read the laws correctly anyone at LJ could be deleted that easily.

ps: Because I don't want to make an entry for this but....wanted to do an FYI....I have 2 more questions to answer that I hope to get to those in the next few days as Master leaves to go out of town tomorrow. And although I have a lot of work to do while he is gone I know I will have more time on hands then usual.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

March Q&A: sex, sm and toys

Do you like anal sex? Oh yes!

Name something sexually you would like to do that you haven't. Name some SM play you would like to do that you haven't. Name something you have done in a while that you would like to again SM play and sexually.

sexually - vaginally fisted...I am not sure if there is anything else. It reminded me of a list I did in 2002 and I saw a few things actually I could mark done now.

SM - There are quite a few things that I am not sure are things I really want done or just fantasy. Such as...having cigarettes put out on my breasts...I don't like smoke...allergic to it. But it is something I have thought about before. Otherwise I am not sure I can think of anything - realistic. Maybe suspension.

Not done in a long time - wax play. Wax play just has no appeal to Master. Also...head to toe rope bondage.

Do you have a toy in your "wish list" right now?

a toy...just one? :) Okay how about a few?

* Hemp Rope from Twisted Monk - We have a bit but I would like more.
* clover clamps
* total covered hood - like this one on the right side - the Total Control Hood or this one but it scares me a little bit too.
* BIG silicone dildo
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