Thursday, May 29, 2003

His…SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): No matter how much you think about it, you may not be able to figure out what’s happening in the mind of your partner now. What is usually quite transparent has now gone dark. You just cannot tell what’s up. Stop trying so hard to solve the unsolvable. Instead, see the beauty in those you love and support them the best way you can.

Mine…LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You may become more philosophical now about all that has happened, especially if it hasn’t turned out the way you wanted it to. But, even if things are going your way, you’ll probably now be thinking more about what you hope to do next, rather than thinking about what’s going on right now.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

Just read Lesson's Learned for 5-27-2003. I relate to so much of what she is talking about....the reactions she her Master. The dependency. The wanting to have that control (but not really) - that struggle. The surrender when He shows me who is in control. The being out of control and Him calming by being harsh. There are things that would not happen before....and they have with Him. And that makes me smile...and feel calm and at peace inside. A good life - I have.

Monday, May 26, 2003

This weekend has been spent working on the office mostly. It has been great to have Master home for a long weekend but…this girl was kind of disappointed because Master’s plan for the weekend was to work on the office ALL weekend. He did say that Sunday we would be play. But that changed to Monday.

I think I have Master hooked on Trading Spaces * shhhh don’t tell Him we know* I think it got Him in the mood to redo the office * smiles*

We watched a lot of the marathon on TLC today. It was fun. I am glad we have so much in common besides…the S&M tastes : )

On Friday night Master came home early. We had an early dinner of spaghetti. And then straight to work on the office…and I was sad that Master was so gun-ho on just working on the office instead of playing with His pet. But I did what He asked and we got it all cleared out on Friday night and then Saturday Master spent all day working VERY hard on putting the computer work center and the other executive desk He bought. They both look very nice. He did a good job.

While He put desks together, I was a getting slightly overwhelmed with having the living room and hall full of office things. But I straightened up the kitchen and bedroom. And then Master suggested I take a nap. As I am still not sleeping well.

Master put the one desk together in the afternoon and then we had dinner. Just got done eating dinner (taco salads – made them the way j does them), I looked up at the time and realized Carpe Diem was probably just getting over and people were heading to the play party. It made me a little sad. I missed everyone.

After dinner and watching Trading Spaces, Master put the other desk together. I just hung out with Him and watched Him.

Sunday morning morning I made Him a BIG breakfast. I thought of Moni and Michael and our weekend breakfasts. I started to cry while I was making the hashbrowns.

On Friday Master said we would probably play Sunday, but as I predicted…He is very tired and too sore to play. . Part of me was getting very disappointed on Sunday as the day wore on and Master made no mention of playing. But He did end up bring it up, but after talking about it, we decided that if He had another day to rest up that it would be better. We did end up playing today. * smiles* More about that later. : )

We ran errands Sunday afternoon. I had asked for a step stool and then we both wanted new curtains for the office. We got those things and came home. Master has spent most of the afternoon getting computers set up in the office. And then He worked on my computer as I had the attack of the popups. Really they were so bad that it was locking me up every 3 emails I read. * crossing fingers and toes* It seems He got that solved.

Then this morning I woke up with my back hurting MORE. And so Master ended up making most of the breakfast since His slave was a cripple LOL He made pancakes.

We played today. We started to with a flogging, but that did not last long. My pain tolerance I feel (felt) was down. But maybe it is just that my back was hurting today, so my pain tolerance on my back is down. I started to cry and then Master hugged me close and brought me to the bedroom to lay down. But then He started to twist and pull on my nipples and I found myself begging for Him to hurt me. He ended up caning my breasts with a black delron cane and then Katrina gave me a director’s baton that is really wicked. And used that LOTS on my breasts and now I have black, blue and purple marks all over my breasts. He did take pictures (I am a tease).

It has been a really good day. We did not do anything with the office. We just laid around and played all day. It was just what this girl needed. I feel so much better then I did on Friday.

I have lots I want t write about, but I just am not in the mood or not even sure I want to write about them. There is nothing-horrible going on – just adjustments and transitions from being in Ohio to now being with Him 24/7. So just a few little speed bumps. And I know we will work through them.

We have been so focused on the house –rearranging, decorating and reorganizing – that I just felt a little out of sorts. And also Master very much wants this to be my “home.” And make it feel like my home. It does feel more like home here then it has anywhere. I feel very comfortable with Master. I get nervous occasionally that He won’t like something I am doing to the house, but then I remember Him telling me not to feel that way. So, I feel content and calm here. It feels like I am at home finally.

Just some bumps…right now because we are working so hard on the house. And not any time for US is how I feel. But really I have lots of time with Master. More time the others I know have with their Dominants. So, I am very lucky.

On to some other good things beside the nice day we had today playing and just hanging out together: I had a mind blowing orgasm Sunday morning. Master used a vibrator and His fingers on me and just worked me up slowly and then it was slowly peaking and it was so strange….because here I thought we would never get there LOL and then all of sudden it was THERE…and I was begging for release! And He granted it. It had been 5 days since my last orgasm. And my body could tell LOL It just ripped through me… I thought I was going to tear the sheets off the bed and throw Master off the bed from my writhing. Last night we had sex too that was really good. I loved the position. I guess we are having lots of sex the last few days because then again this morning we had sex too. I woke to having very erotic hot dreams of sex and Master played with me and then fucked me. Master was standing next to the bed as I laid on it with my legs spread. So, when I squirted in this position the floor at His feet got very wet * Blushing* After caning my tits today He was His sadistic self and I guess felt that my cunt would feel left out from His torture and so He tortured it. So all in all this weekend has been a hot weekend. * yummy* I am a lucky girl….Sex….I love it. LOL

Okay another passion music….

I love it so much…listening to my usuals right now…Evanescence, Coldplay, and Linkin Park.

“Clocks” by Coldplay is one of the songs I play by them over and over and over and over….

Here are the lyrics…

Lights go out and I can't be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
You've put me down upon my knees
Oh I beg, I beg and plead (singing)
Come out of things unsaid, shoot an apple of my head (and a)
Trouble that can't be named, tigers waiting to be tamed (singing)
You are, you are

Confusion never stops, closing walls and ticking clocks (gonna)
Come back and take you home, I could not stop, that you now know (singing)
Come out upon my seas, curse missed opportunities (am I)
A part of the cure, or am I part of the disease (singing)

You are [x6]
And nothing else compares
Oh no nothing else compares
And nothing else compares

You are [continues in background]
Home, home, where I wanted to go [x4]

Someone want to tell me why I relate to this song? Why it touches something in me?

My guess is because His is home. And Home is where I have always wanted to be….I am home with Him.

Okay and the other song that I play lots… by Linkin Park – it is “Somewhere I belong”

Somewhere I belong

When this began
I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I'd let it all out to find
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me
When all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to loose
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own and the fault is my own

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
Erase all the pain till its gone
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like Im close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didnt fall right down on my face
I was confused
Looking everwhere only to find
That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
So what am I
What do I have but negativity
Cause I cant justify the way everyone is looking at me
Nothing to loose
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own and the fault is my own

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
Erase all the pain til its gone
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like Im close to something real
I want to find something Ive wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I will never know
Myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything
till I break away from me
I will break away
I'll find myself today

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
Erase all the pain till it's gone
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like Im close to something real
I want to find something Ive wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong

Somewhere I belong

And the last one for today….

As I said music is a passion. The lyrics are important to me so they go in my journal….

Evanescene ~ “Forgive me”

Can you forgive me again?
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you

I heard the words come out
I felt like I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you

Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken

I'd give anything now
to hear those words from you

Each time I say something I regret I cry "I don't want to lose you."
But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah.

'Cause you were made for me
Somehow I'll make you see
How happy you make me

I can't live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive

So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry.

And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you

Okay going to end this LONG entry....mine either are VERY small or very LONG...LOL Oh well....

Sunday, May 25, 2003

For now...

His...SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): It’s about realizing your vision. You may understand that your long-term goals won’t be achieved today, but what you do now can have great impact on your future. The most important this is to avoid acting for personal reasons alone. The more you can include the needs of others in your current ambitions, the easier time you’ll have of it.

mine....LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): Relationships are almost always on your mind, and now, with the Moon in your 7th House of Partnerships, of course today is no exception. But something is different now, for you’re not just interested in being nice. You also want to do something that is important. You want to have impact on your own future. As long as you aren’t selfish, things should work out for the best.

Thursday, May 22, 2003

Music: Evanscene, Coldplay, Linkin Park, U2 and a few others
Mood: tired but pretty good

Well I am sending out pictures to Ayn’s Place and so taking a few moments to also update the blogger. I know there will be a longer entry sometime – well I hope sometime - this weekend. Master bought new desks for the office tonight, so we are tearing apart the office this weekend and reorganizing it with new desks. So that should be interesting *smiles*

Today was a very vanilla day for me. Cleaning…Preparing some things ahead of time so that it would be easier when mealtime comes and also less oven time so that it is so not hot in the kitchen when Master gets home. He hates the heat. So, just trying to think ahead. After buying desks we went grocery shopping. We got a lot of things that are kind of staples to have in a kitchen that He did not have on hand. So, it was a big shopping trip. It is hard….I am not working and all the money He spent tonight even though it will be used for Him…I still felt guilty. Stupid huh?

I want to thank everyone for all the emails lately…I am sorry I have not had time to reply to anyone yet but I will…I promise.

Master and I had a disagreement last night. Not even sure that is the word for it. We talked it through though. This time during it something came up from His past. And it was my turn to remind Him that I am not His past. I am having some insecurities crop up from it and trying to just focus on Him and I. And that we are good together. He knows it and I know it and that is all that matters.

I did an Osho Zen tarot reading on us today and it was pretty good. The spread was called the Mirror…it does my current - body, heart and mind state. His current body, heart and mind state. And then our outside manifestations of the partnership and then also our inner spiritual purpose together. It was a pretty good reading though. The main focus on the cards was we are good and complete with each other. We need to focus on us and not think of past or outside influences. We have the world waiting for us and the possibilities for us are endless.

Last week I asked Master about why in vanilla relationships does it seem that it is encouraged to *not* be open and true to ourselves. I am making a broad generalization. But I also going on all my past vanilla relationships – especially with my ex-husband Jim.

I have told Master from day one…I am neurotic, passionate, intense, opinionated…I have told Him things I need such as a strong man that is not afraid of a woman who is very emotional. A man who will not leave me – when I am upset. I don’t want to be alone. He knew all those things. But in my vanilla relationships to tell the person I was with those things would have sent him packing, running, and leaving. And I am not saying it does not happen in D/s relationships too, but I have found that those I have been involved with D/s – vs. – Vanilla – have accepted those parts of me better even if they always could not handle them.

In my vanilla relationships I seemed to be encouraged not to share everything. That we are to have parts that we don’t show each other. Why is that? I just don’t get it.

I told Master of a time when I manipulated Jim because that I felt was the only way to get my “needs” met. The manipulation made me feel empty and just not good about myself. Because I was masking ME. When I finally had the courage to be ME…it scared him. It reminded him he was hiding from himself. And so he could not handle the truth and basically walked out of the room and closed the door behind him and said don’t tell me those things. He wanted to go back to pretending we were a “normal” everyday vanilla couple.

Am I normal? LOL (Okay Bill will say yes *inside joke between Bill and I) Anyway…I couldn’t do it….

I could not go back and pretend to be something I was not. I had to be true to myself. It hurt me to be anything but….true to myself. So now…

I lay all the good, the bad and the ugly out there and if they don’t like it then so be it…

And Master liked me…all of me. *smiles*

And now it is time for me to live and be happy. WOW….bout damn time….*grins*

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

Just a quickie…

The final episode to Buffy the Vampire Slayer came on tonight so you know I was glued to the TV for that hour. Master is really good to me to let me watch it. And I think he is even becoming a closet Buffy fan. I will comment on tonight’s episode and the last 3 that I had not also soon.

Yesterday while Master worked on the air conditioning I started on the reorganization of the kitchen and then finished it up – mostly – today. (Saying mostly as there are some things I can’t do without Master’s input/approval/help.) I really do like His kitchen. It is really big with lots of cupboards. I have things really open and easy to get to. I was busy being domestic today with the kitchen, laundry, straightening up other areas in the house. So far Master has approved of all the changes I have made. It will make His life more organized and simple this way and He can see that…so He approves.

I made chicken tacos with black beans. And then also Spanish rice. It is something j made for me once and I love. It is supper easy too. Dinner took 20 minutes to make tonight. Master really likes them. He really raved about them when I made them when I visited in February.

Okay on to some more interesting topics…

We did some hood training tonight. The full hood is a little hard going but I know I will get there. I just panic – the leather, when I breath in comes in and presses in on my nose and so I feel that smothering me and then panic. For someone who likes breathplay you would think I would love it but it scares me.

Master also played with me tonight and made me cum and cum and cum and cum. I came so much I am hurting now lol I then played with Him and got to lick Him clean….yummy * blushing* We had awesome sex last night. He fucked me really hard and deep and fast. And it felt so good…feeling His hard cock fucking me. Several orgasms then too.

I thought about something I heard someone say not too long ago that D/s is not possible 24/7….tonight when I remembered that I had to smile….as I sat at my Master’s feet with cuffs on my ankles and wrists after I had just got Him a drink. I would say we do D/s and BDSM 24/7. I am not always being tortured, but it is always close by to my daily – hourly life with Master it seems.

I do wonder if we are on a honeymoon period and it will soon tire or fade away. It doesn’t feel like it though….I hope it doesn’t.

I was missing Moni today so gave her a quick call but she was having cell problems so it was a very quick call. : (

Okay I need to finish up my task of sending out pictures to Ayn's Place and then we will be heading to bed I am sure….I am very tired tonight. I hope I sleep better then last night.

Monday, May 19, 2003

Music: Linkin Park, Evanescence, Coldplay, Incubus, Live and a few more
Mood: Good...very good
Topics: Too many...a long catch up post...hopefully future ones to come more regularly

Well of course as usual I have not learned my lesson…I have a word processor program that I type most of my blogger entries on and of course it ate it. So – 4 pages – ate : (

I am not a happy camper.

And what happens is that often I condense and don’t get as wordy when I am trying to recreate it…so I am going to try not do that this time but can’t make any promises.

Happy….but depressed?

I am going through a stage of I am VERY happy with Master, but then I get depressed and overwhelmed by the control and lack of independence. Yet it is what I desire. I just got so used to doing things my way that I am doing through a little reactance but not outwardly really. It is just a transition and adjustment time.

I truly love being Master’s slave. I love waking up with Him and going through my day doing things FOR Him…because it is what He wants and desires. It makes me feel very good. We have been taking things kind of slow – and I really appreciate it. Because it is a transition and adjustment to go from total control for SO long to being watched and micromanaged 24/7 is going to be an adjustment no matter how much I desire it and need it.

Things seem to be happening at a very natural progression. There are not 10 things added at once for me to get used to…each day new things seem to happen but they seem to be going pretty good. I don’t get overwhelmed with the things Master is having me do…I get overwhelmed by my feelings of being slave. I think the happiness and finally the stability I have been looking for so long – is almost like a shock to my system.

Am I making sense? I really would love to hear how others feel when they transition from going to be totally independent to this state of being so controlled and micromanaged.

Okay going to do some bitching, venting…and expressing of some pent up feelings….and then I will get to the good stuff LOL


I have been thinking since I got here – about not blogging for a while. I want to but I also am getting tired of the people who judge me by reading my words. Yes, I know I put myself out there by putting up a public blogger. So, I do expect it some. Strangers…people not associated with people I know personally or through others…I don’t care about what they think or say. People who I know in person…people who are friends or not but they know me. They know me…they know my words, they know my actions, they have met me…they see the whole person – I do care what they think but only to a point. I want understanding – not I don’t need to be “liked” by everyone. But the people who just read my words on a screen and say – “well she is…” - they are the ones that are irritating me lately.

How can you judge someone you have NEVER met? And if all your arguments on what you are judging can be disputed then how can you continue to judge?

I know people are probably thinking why – do you let it bother you. I am not sure why I do. I mean the people who I care about….are the ones that don’t judge me and even if they don’t always understand why I want the things I want and why I do the things I do…they still accept and love me. And that is all that should matter.

But for some reason I have a great intolerance for people who judge people without meeting them.

I will admit that I have done the same thing but do a different degree I guess. There have been things that have been done in my past and when I find out that people do those things…I write them off. I don’t go any further in getting to know them because I have made it a line in myself that I will not associate with people that do certain things. So, if I find out they have done any of those things then I will say okay bye. So, I judge based on my ethics, integrity and boundaries I create in my life.

Anyway…I will continue to blog but just to those out there who have enjoyed judging me….know my life is happy. And I feel sorry for you to have to judge me when you could be living your own life and not so jealous of mine. Harsh? Maybe but very true.

Next harsh subject…or at least it came out that way when I wrote about it earlier – before it was ate that is…lol

The 19th of May is an anniversary for me. In a way it is 2 anniversaries. May 19th, 2001 – I met Todd for the first time in real life. That moment is still so crystal clear in my minds still. It is kind of scary that it is so clear.

In ways, I still miss him, but I know that is a false feeling. Because it is based on an illusion. I miss the person he said he was - not the person he really was…He was an illusion. Better yet he is an illusion. He is not real. I often wonder if he knows how to be real…and true. I hope he allows himself to be true one day.

The next anniversary for this day is from last year…when I got closure for my relationship with Todd (yes only a YEAR later *shakes head*) and I also got closure on my friendship with Di.

I know I shocked Di showing up on her doorstep, but I am very happy I finally got closure with Todd and also got closure with her too.

I miss Todd (but again reminding myself – I miss what wasn’t really there anyway), but I don’t miss Di. Harsh again? Probably…but it is true. I feel sorry for her mostly. I don’t understand how she could do what she did. I just could never do something like that. Probably another reason I don’t talk about everything that happened - all she did to me. Because I just am not that type of person. I can’t be mean like that…this is about as mean as I get.

Anyway, I feel sorry for her…living life like she does most make her feel very lonely even in a group of “friends.” Because she can’t really be herself ever. I also feel sorry for her because she is very preoccupied with my life. She reads my blogger 4 to 9 times a day (btw I am not sharing any private info - anyone that looks at my blogger could find…my tracker - it is public too.) And it used to bother me now, but I just can scan past her home isp and work isp and do not even stop on them. They are just a part of my daily tracking system.

Okay just not to make everyone nervous….I don’t do research to figure out which isp’s are which. But there were a few isp’s that were showing up so much that I did do research because it was a little weird to me. I mostly use it to see how many visitors I have a day/week/month and how they found me…what words they used to put in a search engine to get to me.

But it is not part of my normal routine to research them. …but I do look at them daily. Well I did now that I am not online daily LOL I don’t : )


I am not going to go on about this much…

Master wrote about it on His journal some….so check it out there.

I am glad it is done. I needed it to be done. I was very sorry for failing Him and disappointing Him. And He knows how much I beat myself up for it. We are both glad it is done. We are both glad that in the future things can be discussed and dealt with right THEN. This waiting months thing was very hard on both of us.

Okay so now on to some good things….*grins*

Let’s see where do I start? Slapping? Golden Showers? Piggy play? Objectification? Collars? Love? Mmmmmmmmm so many good topics…


One day Master came home for lunch. We were done eating and I was kneeling between His legs. And He started to slap me lightly at first and growing harder and harder. He did not slap me as hard as He could but the duration of the slapping went on for quite some time. And by the end my face felt on fire and was swelling. And yes….I had marks. Not bruises like M gave me on the face but little purplish pin dots of bruising. They were very easy to cover up with make up – unfortunately *smiles* lol

So yes marks on my face again…yippy for me! So hot so yummy….slapping gets me so wet. I have come to get scared of it – because of some things in my past but how Master did it starting slowly – lightly and working up to harder…was perfect way to handle it with me. It was just so hot! I was a VERY VERY wet horny slut after that and of course He had to get back to work so…we both had to wait until after work to get some of that sexual tension worked through *smiles* Yes, my life is good!


Every morning Master gets up and unlocks me from the bed and then puts me in the shower. I sit on the floor of the shower and He gets in and then pisses on me. I have been drinking some also. Not all of it yet but I know someday I will get up to taking all His piss. So anyway He pisses on me and then He takes His shower. So He soaps up and all that soapy water drips on me…I sit by the drain in the shower and all the dirty water comes pouring down on to me…it is a very intense experience. I become very fuzzy…I feel lowered, dirty, used and just very much like nothing. Very hot and yummy also. After He is done then I take my shower and I am all fuzzy and out of it and it is very strange surreal experience. I love it though…it starts the day out with knowing my place…re-enforcing my place.

The showers is a favorite part of my day.


Well I am almost unpacked. We are having some closet issues though. Master is going to try to resolve that tomorrow though. He is going to put in a new closet organizer so that should help me have more room. That I have unpacked already is a very good thing for me and for Him actually. Because when I moved to Ohio…I lived out of my suitcase for a very long time….months even. I always felt kind of in limbo there…felt like I did not know if I really belonged there. I belong here. I belong to Master without a doubt. It feels so right. I did not know rightness felt like this…each day I am very thankful that Master emailed me.


Each afternoon after I am done with my duties, I clean myself up and then get all girly girl for Master. I makes sure I am all made up – make up, hair and nails done, and then lingerie, stockings and heels. One day last week while getting ready I felt very objectified as I did it…I looked in the mirror at my painted face and lingerie…very slutty for Him and I felt like a doll. HBO’s Real Sex once talked about real dolls…they were movable and working features and as I looked in the mirror that is how I felt….like I was Master’s doll…His toy to do what He wish with. I like being girly girl but I go further then I would go normally….with it…I do that for Him. To please Him….to be His slut doll.


I was allowed orgasms today (Sunday)….it had been 4 weeks 2 days since I had one so there was a bit of mess with my orgasms today. *blushing* I squirted of course…and my skin just felt on fire. Master would touch me and it was like every part of my body was feeling it. It was very strong and deep feeling that ran through me when He touched me after those orgasms today.

My first 2 weeks were not bad in the orgasm denial…I mean I did not miss them. I knew I was pleasing Him and that really truly made me okay with it. My third week was when I realized it had been a while lol And then last week….well last week - being here with Him. Being able to touch Him and being in bed with Him….*fanning myself* I was getting a little worked up LOL Okay more then a little and so this last week of not orgasming was HELL. I was so horny and then of course He was teasing and touching me and bringing me to the edge and so…I was going a little crazy with desire. I wanted to orgasm. I wanted Him to fuck me hard – and orgasm with His cock inside my cunt. *Blushing* And He was waiting for that…He was waiting to fuck me. He wanted my punishment over before He fucked me and allowed me to orgasm. So today…I was fucked. And today I came many many times! And I am very thankful to Master for wanting…and allowing it.

Okay….what next….

Piggy…I suppose *blushing*

He put the ball gag harness L`Varado made for me on. And then He taped up my fingers and hands so that they looked like hooves. Not sure I can explain it…He took the index finger and the next finger and taped them together and then took my pinky and ring finger and taped them together and then taped my thumb to my hand and it looked like a hoof. A split toe hoof…am I making sense?

It was a really really intense little scene…He mind-fucked me good. I didn’t know up from down when He was done. He talked a lot about transforming me into a human pig 24/7. And it made me very scared but of course my body reacted…I was SO WET and turned on.

I got very fuzzy and animalistic. I was grunting and almost making growling noises. It was an incredible experience and although I am scared about doing it again…I can’t wait at the same time. It turns me on very much. I did not think it would get to me like it did….I got lost in it. I became very much an animal. Not sure how to describe it but it was very interesting.


Master…presented me with 2 new collars on the Friday we met in Cheyenne. One is a thin black simple collar that looks okay in vanilla world. And then the other is one I have looked at many times. It is JT Stockroom. It is the metal ones. They are metal bands back with black leather. They are thick with big o-rings on them and lock on. I have always wanted to wear one like it…and had not even told Him that….He just had always wanted to collar His slave with one like it…and so…He did.

I am a very lucky girl…Master takes such good care of His slave.

Not sure what else to write about….

We have been doing very normal vanilla life things….and I am enjoying those moments with Him just as well as the moments He tortures me. :)

Work around the house….pulling weeds, re-arranging, planning for redecorating and more re-arranging. He was working on the swamp cooler today…while I cleaned the kitchen and folded laundry. We went to home depot today. Yesterday we went to get a shelving unit for the bathroom to make more storage space for all my girly girl products. LOL Friday night I packed sandwiches, pop and such to eat at the drive in theater. We saw Xmen 2 and Dare Devil. I liked them both. X Men 2 better then Dare Devil though. And then on Thursday night we went to Matrix Reloaded. It was awesome. The effects and the story this time too – to me - was more philosophical then the last and the last was very philosophical to me. I want to see it again. I missed some things I know.

We have had a very busy week and it has been fun, productive, and I am home. Finally I am home. Home with my Master.

Monday, May 12, 2003

This won't be a long one....

Just a note for now to say I am here....with Master and very happy to be Home. As we pulled into Grand Junction yesterday I kept looking around...the incredible scenery around me...and thinking Master is leading me new home is beautiful.

I am home...I am with my Master.

Words keep coming to mind of my trip here....

leaving Bill and Lisa's
leaving Ohio...
seeing j
locking gag harness made custom made for j's Owner.
full hood - panic with it but also spacing
driving driving driving
missing friends in Ohio
Lincoln, Nebraska
Cheyenne, Wyoming
sunny warm weather to snow
flat tire
Master being a strong manly man changing my tire and getting it all fixed
Master taking good care of me
getting my period on friday of course
having to dig warm clothes out of my car while standing in snow with my berkenstock sandles
2 nights in bed with Master
traveling home with Master leading the way
talking on walkie talkies while we drive
getting home
unloading car
vegging out for a while...

and yes my first night in the cage....

crying myself to sleep even though...

I am happy to be with my Master...and finally where I have always dreamed of being......home.

Monday, May 05, 2003

I am not sure even what to write…

I was suppose to leave for Detroit to go see j and her Owner, before heading to meet Master, but nerves and maybe the flu kicked in high gear early this morning. I had the chills and then would get hot, achy, fever and throwing up. The throwing up I think might have been nerves, but I am not for sure. So, I now leave for Detroit early in the morning.

Last week was very hard…

Saying good bye to everyone…

Bill and Lisa had a picnic for me…my closest friends were there. I think about 20 people showed up. It was a good crowd and I appreciated everyone coming seeing me off one last time. I can’t begin to tell you how much you all mean to me. I am blessed…truly and deeply blessed.

Tears…tears and more tears have been my theme this week…

Thursday night I spent at Moni’s and Michael’s and Friday when I took a shower I went to grab my stuff that I keep at their home to bring back here with me, to pack and I started crying. I stood in the shower crying. I ended up spending Friday night with them so had another cry on Saturday morning realizing that was my last weekend with them. Moni made breakfast like she always does and it was just hard realizing that was the last weekend breakfast I will spend with them…like that. It was hard; I will miss her so very much. She has been such an incredible friend. I hope she knows how much I care about her and will be here for her whenever she needs. Just because I am moving does not turn off the feelings I have for her.

I don’t know what I would have done without her in my life. She has taught me so much and been so accepting always. I love her dearly.

Last week I did not get a chance to talk to girlie. We chat every morning online. And then internet was down here last night and today, so I did not get a chance to talk to her this morning. I miss her so much and wished we had had that last morning of chatting. Thank you for knowing me…allowing me to be me. You have made it easier for me to let Master see me…because you have seen the good the bad and the ugly. Thank you so much for not running for the hills when I showed you the ugly. I love you always always girlie!

Bill and Lisa…and I had our cry fest last night – okay so Bill did not cry...*smiles* But he has always been wonderful in hugs and support during cry fest. I gave the kids, at Christmas time, one of those magnetic poetry sets. Lisa did words and then a few little lines. I looked at the words again today and started to cry…the words work reciprocal. They both have helped me so much…supported, given advice, listened, given me a shoulder to cry on and a hug. They have given me a home with a family and I don’t know how I will ever repay them. Thank you so much Bill and Lisa! I love you both very much!

I am very grateful to all my friends!

All my friends have helped me grow in some way or another…and I don’t know how I thank them enough for everything they have done for me.

Seeing j and saying good bye to her will be hard too. I am not sure when we will see each other again. If you read my who’s who list…you will see j has been someone in my life that I have loved deeply. I love easily and love all my friends, but j is more then a friend.

This past week I thought of people in my past...some of who I am still close too…Kam, Todd, Di, JJ, Jackie, Mistress DM, Nick, and so on. I was thinking about how so much of what I felt with some people is gone. All I felt was sad for them basically. I did not feel anger or resentment. It was nice to not feel so many of those feelings that I associate with grieving. I miss Mistress DM. I am glad Jackie and I have remained friends. I am glad Nick and I have remained friends too. I learn from everyone. And ALL of them have got me to this point where I found the One.

Someone asked me yesterday if he was the one. I said yes. She said how do you know. I said because it feels right. She said did it feel right before. Yes I thought it did…but when it happened with Him…it was like enlightenment. You just know it. It is there and it just happens.

This feeling is so different then any other I have had before. I can’t explain it. But it feels different. It was like a higher level of calmness. I am always neurotic and I am always emotional but in that core it warm and calm. 2 years ago right before I went to Germany I had that feeling…that calmness of knowing it was right. And that was when I was just right with me. I was seeing someone but that feeling started before he came into my life.

I guess I will stop babbling on and on…

My hope…my wish is for everyone to feel that rightness with life. That this is how it is to be…that this is being happy.

Thank You everyone for helping me find my happiness. Fairy tales do come true!

Friday, May 02, 2003

Humility does not mean you think less of yourself. It means you think of yourself less. - Ken Blanchard

Thursday, May 01, 2003

Him...SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): Put your attention now toward the details in your life. You can usually deal with the big picture stuff, but often have more difficulty with the little things. Now, however, you have an opportunity to take care of those small things which are often set aside or even overlooked. A little bit of effort can go a long way.

mine...LIBRA (Sep 23–Oct 22): You may as well just start your weekend a bit earlier than others, for you are already dreaming about the lovely things you’d like to do. Perhaps you see yourself taking some time off from your regular chores. Give yourself the luxury of daydreaming, but don’t succumb to your desires just yet. If you take care of business first, you’ll be more able to experience the pleasure later.
Today is the 1st and that marks our anniversary. I can't wait to be there on the first next month. :) I really am amazed by what we have....together. Each day things come up…that lead me down this path. It is a path that I have seeking all my life. I knew what I wanted and I did not give up until I found it. And He is it.

We like many of the same movies, we like similar foods, we have common spiritual beliefs. We both are creative and passionate. We are 2 sides of same coin...He - Sadist, me - masochist, He - Dominant, me - submissive, He - leader, me - follower.

He allows me to be me. He does not find it acceptable to give Him just parts - and saw that I was not giving Him everything. He said....”I want it all.” He looked and it did not scare Him. It did not send Him running. He said..."I want You...I love You."

It is beyond words to express what that means…to comprehend that He gets it…gets me and wants me. The feelings are intense, powerful and passionate. They vibrate in me…and say, “Yes you found Him…the One…Your Master”. Daily I want to reach out and say this is not a dream? You are real right? And then I still myself…and let the true feelings come up…that calmness...that He has brought me (when I allow myself to be happy and feel it). It is pure, is real.

Happy Anniversary Master!
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