Friday, February 28, 2003

don't wanna leave....

I am feeling neurotic this morning….very scared of what will happen now….once we are not living our life – face to face. I am feeling panicked and overwhelmed. I am doing the whatif’s even more.

We are leaving soon to head to Denver…He is getting ready so I thought I would try to write so that I could….calm my neurotic feelings.

It is hard to express my insecurities to Him as…He views them differently. I express them and hope that they will be quieted or solved but instead often they are intensified with His thoughts.

When someone expresses feelings to me….I will try to show them, tell them or through action – quiet their insecurities. But that really is not what happens….here. I am not even sure how to explain what happens but I end up more scared usually.

We have bumps – we are still learning each other and I know that….

We have lots and lots of positives. But in these final moments of being here…my focus seems to be on the negatives….

Is it a form of self-sabotage? Is it just the fears of being away from Him and in my chaotic life? Is it just insecurities of not being able to reach out and touch Him and feel that closeness – that rightness?

It could be all of those I guess….

I am just very scared.

I don’t want to leave….here.

Thursday, February 27, 2003

I am sending out Ayn’s Place pictures and He told me I should do a quick blogger entry also while I am online….as this will I am sure be the last time before Sunday.

I leave Saturday morning back to Ohio. I am getting very sad and actually at this point just trying to ignore all the feelings going through me….as I will get overwhelmed. It has been a hard week for both of us with this…being the last week of the month…and knowing the time for me to go back to Ohio is coming upon us.

He has taken tomorrow off – to spend the last day with me. We are going over to Denver to spend the night so that we are near the airport on Saturday morning.

Today I packed…and colored my hair. He picked out a new color for me. It is a brighter red – auburn. It is a temp color, but something He wants permanently now so….I will be changing it.

I suppose I should be writing about other things….feelings, thoughts, fears, and joys….

He is great. We seem to mesh together really well. I have someone who loves D/s like I do…who has that passion for the lifestyle. We are still learning each other but we’re both very confident that we are good for each other.

There are fears and insecurities I have…I do the what if’s everyday for varying amounts of time…but….when I look at the big picture…when I reach out and touch Him…when I think of our time….together….I feel the rightness in it. I feel that He is the One. He is considerate but sadistic too. He cares about what I feel and think but He ultimately does what He wants even when I am a bad girl and “pitch a fit.”

I am scared very scared….I had a panic attack last night. It was hard for both of us. But He is important to me…and I am important to Him and making this work is what both of us desire. So we are going to work hard towards it.

We have been continuing our journey in S&M, D/s – Control, Bondage and so on….

Since the last time I have written….once to several times…I have been caged, dressed slutty for Him, been hooded, been blindfolded, been in the posture collar, been restrained spread eagle to the bed in the bondage mittens…I have been His slut moaning and begging for orgasms, I have been His nothing sitting at His feet not able to do anything but what He tells me, been His pet barking, whining and crying and so much more….

Of course I have been hobbled everyday and wrists cuffs have been on almost everyday now too.

It seems kind of surreal to read those things back and realize it is my life…that is me going through those things…I am a slut, a pet, a nothing….a slave.

My dreams are here…Dreams do come true.

Monday, February 24, 2003

As a person acts, so he becomes in life. Those who do good become good; those who do harm become bad. Good deeds make one pure; bad deeds make one impure. So we are said to be what our desire is. As our desire is, so is our will. As our will is, so are our acts. As we act, so we become. -Bihadaranyaka Upanishad

Just a quickie....

He is playing a video game and I was catching up on mail. I want to wish Katrina a Happy Birthday....I am late for eastern time but here in mountain time it is still her birthday! :)

I am missing all my friends and looking forward seeing them but also dreading being away from Him and this life we have created here.

There is lots going on in this world right now....and I have not wrote about it at is not that it is not important to me or my life...but at the same time it isn't important. Life is Him right now and right now I don't see anything wrong with that.

Things here are very good....He and I had a serious discussion this weekend about where we go from here.....

And well...we are going to the next I am sure I will write more about it....I am very at peace...and happy. I never knew things could feel this calm before. Life is good...and I love Him very much and need Him in my life. It is a good thing

Saturday, February 22, 2003

Music: Mix CD – a couple of songs from Blade and Queen of the Damned, Linkin Park, Godsmack, Tool, NIN, Puddle of Mudd and some others I am forgetting
Mood: sick but very happy
Topics: sick, cookies, S&M with Him, Enema, Buffy the Vampire Slayer….and maybe a few other odd-n-ends

Well for starters I am sick…whatever He had – He has now given to me – even though He denies it * grin* He says it is all my fault. It is always the slaves fault right? *grin *

He is great…. I am sick, but He is still being Him and I am still being me. I am still hobbled and chained. I still dress every evening for Him. And He still expects the same things - - but let me stress He is not an ogre. This morning I got sick and He went to His pantry and got a sprite out – poured it in a glass with ice and brought it into His sick slave. He went and got me a cherry limeade from Sonic….something wench always does for me when I am at her place. He got me medicine. He is taking care of me. And it is so good to have a partner as well as a Master….

I feel so good about where I am at….

Okay enough mushy for now…

Today I was feeling a little energy spell sooooooooooo I decided I was going to make Him some chocolate chip cookies. LOL Okay I am not a bad cook…far from it actually….but omg these pitiful cookies. I forgot something – not sure how I forgot it but I did…what did I forget…a little thing called HIGHER altitude. And so my cookies taste good but look horrible. They can’t be all that bad as He had 6 of them since being home tonight *grin*

I think something is wrong with me…I like cooking and cleaning for Him. I like cleaning His toilet. I like cooking dinner every night. Am I nuts? Has He brainwashed me? :)

Kind of our routine after He comes home from work….

Every night I greet Him wearing lingerie – usually with stocking and garter belt or thigh highs, and then with heels and hobbled. My make up is done…my hair is done. I am very girly girl….which I like being a lot. I always have loved being a girl – as a little girl I loved wearing dresses and dressing up. I then serve Him dinner. Then we eat and talk. I don’t begin eating until He starts. Then after dinner, I clear the table and clean up the kitchen afterwards joining Him in the living room. We then talk, hang out, watching a movie, checking email and such.

Then we go to bed. We go to the bathroom and get ready for bed and then He chains me to His bed. I go to bed hobbled still and then one leg chained to the leg of the bed. Almost every night….saying almost because it has not been every night but ALMOST every night….we do some type of play. Always sexual in form but with S&M mixed in….it is very yummy.

Last night was particularly…yummy….

He and I were talking about the fact that I am having a lot more fantasies about hoods lately. He had me in headlock making me look up at Him – making me admit that I wanted to wear the hood more and that I like it. He is so evil for making me admit these things I don’t want to and He does that frequently lol *blushing *

So after some dialog back and forth He grabs me hard and gets me sitting up….grabs the hood and puts it on me. He told me as He is putting it on that I would be wearing it all night long. I started pleading with Him to not do that…as I have cold flu symptoms so the hood being on all night did not sound appealing at all. He was not listening to me. He was rough and hard getting the hood on and situated.

He then proceeded to abuse my tits and cunt. I can’t even explain what He does exactly. I have never had lots of genitorture. Never really thought I would care for it….but OMG *blushing * It is very yummy! He slaps, twists, grabs, pinches, pulls…just abuses my tits and cunt. And He gets me to beg Him to hurt me. He will be abusing my cunt and start to back off and I will beg…I will start with Please…and He will go….”Please…please stop?” And of course I am moaning out screaming and BEGGING Him to keep going…and He will just say what do you want…and I will have to say it. I will moan out “please hurt me” and then usually He steps it up….what He was doing before was like an appetizer to wet my appetite…to give me a taste and make me CRAVE more….

So that I am writhing and moaning and screaming please please hurt me…

And then He hurts me. Any abuse He was doing before just increases. I am hurting and sometimes coming from the pain. Other times just starting to float on the pain.

So last night I was reduced with the hood on to an animal and then was writhing, screaming, moaning, grunting from the pain He was inflicting and…then….

He says….that He is going to give me one more orgasm from the pain….and then strip me naked and put me in the cage…

He does just that….

He strips me roughly…and then grabs me by my collar and pushes me down to my knees and with my leg still chained, still hobbled and hooded…I crawl into a cage like an animal.

He then does something that totally makes me HOT….

He lies on the bed so I can see Him and He masturbated. OMG….I got up on my knees and pressed my face between the bars…trying to see better….see Him stroking His cock and I was moaning and I would have begged to touch and cum again but my cunt was on fire from the torture He gave it.

So I watched….dripping and drooling….as He came….

Afterwards He took pictures of His caged animal...peering from between the bars…

It was very hot scene!

He let me out and I crawled to His feet kissing them….letting Him know how I feel….feel and know I am His animal…His nothing…

It was very intense….

And I am a very lucky girl to have Him in my life.

We have many nights of torture but last night seemed different for both of us…more intense. And today we both feel so close to each other.

I forgot to mention in my last posting…I had my first enema last week. It was pretty much what I expected. Well, there was 2 thoughts I had one I thought what I had read I about some people who had them…I wanted it to feel like that…but it was more how I logically felt it would feel….if that makes sense. I guess I had fantasy based idea of what I wanted…and a reality and the reality is what it felt like….so not too much cramping. We have no had time to experiment with them further and now that I am sick He does not want my system messed with anymore. But I do look forward to further enema training.

Hmmmm what else to talk about….

Oh Buffy the Vampire Slayer….He has been letting me watch it here. And I think He is even starting to get into it. I really want the other seasons to watch with Him. Anyway, on Tuesday He worked late and called to let me know He was on His way. Well, I was already ready – dressed – and had some of dinner done so that it did not take as long to get the rest ready when He called. So, when He called I looked up at the time and realized right in that moment that we were missing Buffy.

I don’t watch TV while He is gone. I am not allowed on the computer without Him being home. And I am not allowed to make phone calls without permission either. Strict control…something I want and actually like a lot more then I thought I would….

Anyway, so when He came home I told Him about missing Buffy and He found another station where 30 more minutes of Buffy was left….and He got His own dinner and then when I had me He had me sit on the couch (I am not allowed on the couch – on occasion He allows me on the couch while we watch a movie to snuggle but for the most part I am on the floor). So…I sat on the couch and ate dinner and watched the rest of Buffy. I was very grateful….that He allowed me that.

I really like Buffy this season. I like the story line….I just am not happy with the thought that it is the last year Buffy. I know they are going to do a spin-off but it will not be the same even though I am sure I will watch it.

Okay I know there was more I wanted to write about…but I want to get this posted and spend time with Him…

I am really really getting upset that I only have a week more with Him….something I am sure I will write about this weekend….

Final words…for this entry…I am living the life I wanted with a wonderful man and great Dominant….who I love and adore.

Monday, February 17, 2003

I have not written in a while…

Let’s see if I can recount some of what has happened. He has been sick. So He stayed home from work to rest on Thursday and Friday.

While He was sick, I had lots of time to think. And I started realizing when I looked in His eyes His view of me had changed. I remember the moment it did….too. I believe at first He did not have His feet on the ground and I tried to stay on the ground. At least one foot on the ground *grin*

I have not changed though…being His has not left me. He is good for me. I know it. I can’t explain HOW I know it but I do…I mean there is obvious things of His control that I see are good for me. But it is more then that….more then just D/s. I felt His view of me and want of me had changed. I got scared. It was there in the back of my mind. I was dreaming of Him sending me away a lot.

On Thursday, I went to sleep very frustrated. My clit was throbbing. I woke up playing with myself and I confessed to Him on Friday morning. I had also had dreams of Him sending me away again so had that underlying nervousness hanging in the air.

He played with me and then cuffed me to the bed. It scared me. I hate that right now at times, I feel like I am experiencing things for the first time. I remember that first time I was flogged and first time I was hogtied and how scary it was and how at times I felt I would tell the person to stop. That was how it felt when He chained me to the bed. He was above me and I just was so very scared. He let me out the restraints and walked away. Because my reaction was not “good.” What hurt me though is He walked away in frustration. I wish He had said "I am frustrated and need to walk away" or tell me He was frustrated and did not want to talk for a little bit and stay there with me.

We got past it. We talked about it. I don’t think He fully understands why it feels like I am starting over.

I have had lots of hurts and trust broken in my past and in some ways I am trying not to let that effect – so then things we do feel new. In other ways, I do have those things in my past so the fear is there and causing me to react also.

I had on image of someone I was with….that kept coming back to me on Friday after this incident. This person restrained me much like He did and I reacted negatively. I was scared. I was so scared and this person I was with just laid down next to me and talked….talked about nothing. He did that often with me to get me through fear. He would get my mind off of what we were doing to get me through it. It worked.

So how do I get that HE is not the same as my past. I think so far I have been doing a pretty good job there are just moments when I get scared and don’t feel I can trust Him. Nothing that He has done has shown me I can’t trust Him. He has been very good and patient. He is understanding of my past and is aware of it…does not ignore it is part of me and I am a lucky girl.

I got worried after that…that our Valentine’s was going to be horrible. But it turned out pretty good. * big smile*

So we talked some and then He took a shower, while He was in the shower I pulled an Osho Zen card. It came up the fool. Which is not as bad as card as it sounds but pulling that card in that moment frustrated me. So I reshuffled and pulled again. And no kidding….I pulled the same damn card LOL

In the Osho Zen deck, the fool means trusting the “rightness” of things….trusting, being pure and innocent and just trusting intuition. Well, in that moment after our morning I felt TOTALLY clouded and confused. So I started to get very upset with that card in my hand. I cried and then we got ready to go…I felt like we were off…and not the same page even though somewhere in me the feeling – the knowing – that the path we are on is the path we need to be…that we are suppose to be there together.

We went to lunch and I told Him that His view of me had changed. He did not say much at that time. We talked about it later. And His view had changed. But not in a bad way really, He is basically in reality now.

It seemed after that talk that things changed again for us. I felt Him come closer to me again. He bought me pink roses and we went to dinner. We had a nice dinner and then came home and He restrained me in some restrictive bondage while we watched a movie. We then played. He put a latex hood on me. *blushing * Also He abused my tits and my clit. My clit is still hurting, as it has been abused for several days now.

The hood was not as bad as I thought it was going to be but it does take me away from who I am and I was surprised by that….He told me it would reduce me into an object. But I really did not believe it and get that it would. But it did. I felt like an object. I liked it. I am looking forward to a full leather hood. I get excited thinking about it.

On Saturday, He had me get in the cage. And locked me in…funny I don’t even know how long I was in there. All I know is that it excited me….so very much. He allowed me to masturbate in the cage and I came very hard 3 times. I felt helpless – knowing I couldn’t go anywhere. I was His willing captive. And I liked it. I, also, after being in there for a while….I felt safe and secure. I knew He was in control and I was protected and kept safe by Him.

The cage…is very cool. To look at it and know He made that for * me * - isn’t it amazing? To make me His captive….mmmmmm nice thought.

He used and abused various body parts….

A group I am on asked about if anyone was having any sadistic fun…I would say He has been…

He has slapped, twisted, grasped, pinched, raped, pushed, pulled me….using and abusing me….leaving me breathless and out in a fuzzy mushy state where I am a very happy girl. My masochistic side of me….begs Him to hurt me. Begs Him to use and abuse me. I need Him so desperately in those moments….


The words…I need Him…

I think of the Osho Zen card I pulled on Friday – about trusting in the “rightness” of things. When I look in His eyes, when I sit at His feet, when I crawl into the cage, when I make Him dinner, when I sleep chained to His bed – next to Him, when I reach out and touch Him…I feel the rightness…and I need Him…

Each day the need of Him grows stronger. He consumes me...and He is becoming my world. In a way that I have always wanted and imagined but never thought I would see…a way that is good for me instead of destructive (such as Todd).

Took a pause in writing this to watch Serendipity. He had never seen it. I have mentioned it a few times since being here because….things have just come up that remind me of the movie. So, I wanted Him to see it. Today we went to Target - we were about to check out and He said “...lets go look for that movie – Serendipity.” And we found it and He bought it. I really like that movie. It is one of the feel good romantic comedy types. I like the word Serendipity….just as Sara said in the movie….what’s not to like about the word that means fortunate accident. : )

I suppose in a way I do feel He and I are a fortunate accident. I mean here He has been so near me for over a year and yet we did not come together until now. It was not an accident but it…was something…something good….something I am holding on it.

I would really like to end this journal entry here…as it feels very good. But there is so much more to talk about….

I had Him…read what I had so far. I always do now….not that He is “approving” it or making me change it…I am not exactly sure why I have Him do that…

I guess it is an approval of sorts. But He wants me to journal…He would not want me to censor or change things.

The journal entry though did spark an hour or more conversation on so many things. As I type this He is feeding me chips. We had a late lunch so we are not really doing dinner tonight.

Topics discussed in our conversation….our goals, plans, where we were and where we are going and….surrender.

He thinks…I feel. He feels too…He is very compassionate. But He says okay here we are and here is where we want to go and here are the things we need to do to get there. Where I got here is what we feel right now and we both want the same end…so we will get there. I don’t worry about when and how it will really happen…and maybe it is because I am putting my trust in Him to get us there. I am working on getting there too, but I don’t have a plan in mind on how to get there.

I want to surrender to Him. I believe I am each day. Each day that need to serve Him…need to surrender grows.

I have surrendered in the past out of fear. But He and I don’t want that….we want that surrender to come out of love and trust.

He wants to treat me as an animal. Humiliate and degrade me – treating me like nothing. But it is a process to get there. He could have taken me to that place day one, but I would have gone there in fear. But what want a relationship that has a foundation of  trust.

We are building a D/s foundation. We are building a relationship…towards an ultimate goal. We both want the same things and I keep my eye on that. I have faith in that. And I * know * it is in me to surrender. The questioning I had….is gone. I feel I will have more roadblocks and questions. I still have the internal fights, but I feel that surrender now. I feel it there and it is not scaring me. I know He is very sadistic and can hurt me and WILL hurt me. But He loves me and that somehow changes it…it does not take way from my experience. I fear Him. The fear is different then what I had with M…, as FEAR was the only thing that I had with M. With Him I am going to have a Master/slave relationship.

I hope I am making sense….

I just * know * it is a good path I am on. Even during the bumps I feel it. I get scared and have insecurities but it is always there. Even when He was saying to me during our nuclear meltdown – “who do you want to call” I knew it. I knew I just needed to get * us * to slow down and keep talking. To get our feet on the ground and look at the big picture.

I fight inside right now but it is not Him. It is me. He used an analogy tonight. He said it is like I have all these fibers and things going on inside healing from my past….Don, Todd and so on. And He is opening some things up and those fibers are going hey hey what are you doing! We were just getting ready to heal…and it is not that He is stopping that….I am just not trusting that I won’t get the same wounds or have those stitches ripped out or open again.

But each day my trust in Him grows.

Okay an analogy for my path to surrender. With a past owner, there was lots of fog. I did not know where we were going or what we were doing….I did not see anything ahead…I did not see the path we were on….and we went on this path. And we got to a point and he left….the fog cleared and I was on a bridge…the edge. The bridge represents surrender to me. With HIM….I see the bridge ahead. He has told me that it is there…and I know I am going to have to go on that bridge and even more….I * want * to be on the bridge. I love that…feeling that bridge gives me…and I want Him to take me to the edge of that bridge. I want to go that edge. I need the bridge…I need the edge. And I am very aware this time that the bridge is there…and I want to go on it for Him – with Him….and FOR ME.

I trust Him. And I say it with out fear and worry that it could change. With the person I talked about above, I was not there…I was not aware of what I was doing. But with Him I am aware and happily that He is going to love me and make love to me but also bring me down to nothing and treat me like His caged captive.

And I am going there very consciously….going there willingly….wantingly….

The end for now…I am sure there will be more about this…path I am on…with Him. Oh such a deliciously intense path.

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

I thought I would do a quick blogger entry or at least try too.

Last night I greeted Him at the door wearing thigh highs, lingerie, black heels, wrist and ankle cuffs with chains in between them. . He was pleased. And that made me very happy. We had dinner and then watched Buffy. Buffy btw was very good.

I was allowed some online time tonight. He is not feeling well and so I chatted with some friends and wrote some emails.

I got my period early so I have not been a happy camper this week. But we are surviving through it. lol

He has been letting His sadism out on me more and I am enjoying it. He has abusing my tits, slapping me and just being more rough with me. **blushing*

Last week everything I brought with me was locked up but this week He has let me have access and so I hung up clothes and put some things I brought away. It was important to me to unpack some because I don’t unpack usually…always waiting for that quick exit when things don’t work out. But with Him it is so important that it works….I want it to so much.

He is very understanding and patient….and as someone told me tonight…I am difficult and I need to be patient. And really I am…I am happy to be getting to know a very wonderful man. I am a lucky girl….

We are going to be celebrating Valentine’s Day…this week…and I am looking forward to it.

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

Well I have lots I could write about but I am really not feeling like....blogging for some reason.

Last week, He had me not being girly girl....I was naked and hobbled most of the week. And it was quite an adjustment for me. On Wednesday last my handwritten journal, I made a note to write about not being able to be girly girl and how that felt. He read it and felt it was time to allow me to be girly girl again...and Thursday last week started a bumpy road for us.

The bumps just show us we don't know each other well yet...and I think we *both* get that now. And it is a good thing that has happened.

Not going to go into details of the bumps but the first bump involved His view of allowing me to be girly which did not equate to girly girl for me so I was very confused why He was wanting me to do what He said. I expressed that it would not make me feel girly girl. And from there it just seemed like a series of misperceptions, incompatibilities but…not anything huge or belief compromising. It is just a series of minor different likes/dislikes and views.

We have some movie and music tastes that are similar….but some are different. He is a typical guy and likes action. And I like romantic comedies. But He likes Sleepless in Seattle and I love the Matrix so I can’t do a sweeping hand of we don’t have similar movie tastes….we do. Same with music….He likes country and I always joke around that it is a limit lol

Views….or perceptions that are different…I need diet coke…it is an addiction. To Him giving me a diet pepsi or diet caffeine-free diet coke is the same. Or I told Him I don’t like onions but chopped up onions on a burger would not be a big deal…right? LOL Okay so you get the picture…not big bumps just little things in Him and I getting to know each other.

So, day in day out living is where we are having bumps but nothing huge.

On Sunday, we did have what He has labeled a nuclear meltdown. It came to the point of where He was asking me who did He need to call and where did I want to go. Scary….very scary.

But we are okay now, we are together, we are working together and I am very happy about it.

In the midst of the bumps, we have had very good things too…

Such as…

Dinner on Friday night out and sex when we came home, Saturday morning being woke up…He went out for donuts and we were having a day out…driving around…me wearing benwa balls and Him hitting every bump to make me squirm * blush* That early afternoon being “raped” by Him. My dress pushed up, my tights around my ankles and my mary janes still on. It was VERY HOT! * fanning myself – blushing* Yesterday, Him being sadistic and hurting my breasts and nipples. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm yummy!

We are going day by day, learning to trust each other and maybe just as important…just learning each other.

Sunday, February 09, 2003

I am not sure what to be writing....

so much has happened.....not all good and of course not all bad.

We have incompatibilities that we are trying to figure out if we can be worked sometype of evolution to a common ground is being sought by both of us. Our basic D/s beliefs....are on the same page. And that is a very good foundation...I believe.

Today was a hard day....but we are together....and that is what counts at the end of the day.

Wednesday, February 05, 2003

Music: Depeche Mode, Linkin Park, Staind, Puddle of Mudd, Sixpence None the Richer, Billie Myers and many more on the mix
Topic: Sex and well a little more then just sex *smiles*

This is the first morning I have not been chained to the bed – that is because He wanted me to do something at 11am. It was odd. It was odd because I have been chained the last 2 mornings. My mind is spinning I had a nightmare about Todd. So now that I am done doing the task assigned to me, I have put some music in, got a diet coke (with His permission) and then decided to write for a while before I do a tarot reading on myself. (This entry was started about 11:15am.)

Yesterday morning He fucked me. I was chained and so could only open legs so wide and just pushed them open taking me. It felt so good to have Him in me. So YUMMY! blushing

It is harder for me to orgasm vaginally, but just the pure excitement of feeling of Him in me and taking me roughly made me beg to orgasm right away.

After our morning afterglow we got up and went on with our routine. Before leaving for work He chained me to His bed again to slow me down…remind me where I am and who I am…now. By the time He came home for lunch I needed to go to the bathroom badly. My chain leads into the bathroom, but not to the toilet. He was amused that I had to go and said that He should have left me on the chain. He told me I could have used the Big McDonald’s cup in the bathroom…of course I wanted to die and go hide. I am lucky I was not chained today as I had to go a few times in the cup this morning.

It felt so odd to not be chained this morning.

Okay – back to day-to-day stuff of Tuesday….

I got to call girlie while He was at work as she going through some tests on Monday and I wanted to see how she was doing after them. We talked for a while. She was doing okay. We talked about how things are going here. She is very happy for me.

Oh I forgot when He came home for lunch on Tuesday, He came home with coloring books and crayons for His little girl! That was so cool. He is so great! He is very good to me. I am a lucky little girl!

For some reason I am having trouble letting little girl out. Not sure if it just the right time yet or is that part of me so hurt I am just a scared she will get hurt again? Maybe…

Last night I made a chicken and stuffing casserole with green beans and white chocolate pudding for dessert. It is a dish I make and everyone always likes. It is easy but tastes great. I am having problems getting used to His oven though…everything takes longer. I am worrying how my cornbread is going to turn out.

We watched Buffy last night. It was a really good episode – cleared up some questions that were being answered on the Buffy yahoo groups. After Buffy, I was sitting on the floor in front of Him and He put His hand over my mouth and pinched my nose closed. He did similar breath play things over and over. And I got in my fuzzy fun space (Not subspace – just kind of gooey and fuzzy.) Then He sent me to clean up the kitchen while He had some computer work to do. We did a few more things before heading to bed.

I am not sure how to explain what went on last night…when we went to bed or even how it started. I thought we were just going to go bed to go to sleep but we talked about a journal entry I wrote yesterday during the day….

This entry:

This morning You asked me what I was thinking about and I did not want to answer. I am feeling on edge because I have lots of dark desires coming out. I dreamed of the article You sent me on breaking down a captive. I thought of some of those things being done to me by You. I thought of You slapping me. Thoughts of You taking me roughly by my hair, pushing me over the bed and fucking my ass. Thoughts of You touching me with a gloved hand and telling me how dirty I am. Thoughts of rubbing my clit hard bringing me close to the edge and then backing off – denying me pleasure. Making the slut in me come out and beg for You to touch me. You do, but You don’t let me orgasm – telling me – I have to hump Your leg before You let me. You touch more and back off just when I am near orgasm and begging, sobbing that I want that orgasm so badly. You fuck me and use me, but don’t allow me to cum and finally I beg to hump Your leg. Images are strong, intense and flashing before my eye….more images….of being set up to fail and punished, being put in blindfold, gag, ear plugs, wrist and ankle restraints lying on the floor in the living room with You watching TV using me as a footstool. I floated into the blackness – emptying everything out of my mind. Just a safe darkness that I can let go of everything.

After we talked about the above entry, He started to play with my cunt. He would take His fingers and dip them into my wetness and then bring them to my face….pushing them up to my nose to smell. He then wiped them on my face telling me….I was His dirty cunt. He did that over and over again….dipping His fingers in my wetness and then smearing them across my face. He had me tell Him that I was His dirty cunt.

He then played with my clit. He counts and then tells me to orgasm before He reaches 1. Well, when He does that somehow my body reacts by getting very turned on but everything feels like I can’t and I hold back. And so I could just do an orgasm (force it – just do it) where it is not as pleasurable –is not emotional or mental – just physical. I prefer orgasms that emotional, mental and physical.

I stopped this journal entry today as He came home for lunch. I feel down today – maybe like I am crashing. Or maybe just my dream affecting me?

I had something happen last night that has not happened before. After He slapped me, used me, humiliated me – I felt bad. I wanted to run away from Him. I started to cry – hard – a release – but it is still here today. Not sure how to get out what I am feeling….so, I guess I will just start back up where I left off before lunch.

So, I did not force my orgasm. And so then He got to one and told me that maybe I did not really want to orgasm and so He was going to torture my clit by putting breath drops on it. He put some on my clit and then rubbed very hard. And I squirted. Before we got in bed, I had needed to go the restroom but when He went in there with me, I could not go so He told me until I could I could wait. So, I had a full bladder when I squirted. Now normally that is not the case. But because I did I leaked as a squirted. Otherwise I normally have a clear liquid come out when I squirt. So He saw that I leaked and decided to use that to humiliate me. He turned and slapped me over and over again. He called me His piss slut. When He called me His piss slut, I felt in that moment He did not know I squirted. He thought I pissed myself. And instead of just going with it in the moment, I fought it and so He slapped me harder. I stopped fighting and was upset He did not understand I did not piss myself. He stopped slapping me and then just laid next to me waiting for me to come back out of my fuzzy stage.

And what happened next is so clear…strange that it is so clear to me. He told me not to be embarrassed that I pissed on myself. I then explained what actually happened and He was glad He made me squirt. I explained to Him that squirting and urinating feel very different. We laid there not even a moment more and He then said to me, “you need to clean up your mess.” And not sure why it affected me so much but it instantly bothered me. I lost it. He told me not to be embarrassed but then tells me it is a mess. It bothered me. It bothered me on many levels. We did this fairly intense thing for us….first thing we have done like that…and one moment I am being told not to be embarrassed and He was very caring about it and then the next moment He is out of bed telling me to clean up my mess. So, I lost it and did not feel safe. I wanted to run away. Not like I could though. He did not let me. He held me in His arms. And then, He helped me clean it up.

I feel like today though I put a wall up last night. I feel far away from Him. I could not explain to Him what was going on last night so we went to sleep. This morning He had me sucking Him, He was fucking my face and other times just pushing me down on to His cock and holding me there. In the morning it is very hard for me to give a blowjob, as I can’t breath threw my nose. So my mouth was stuffed with His cock and I could not breath in with my nose. So I started to struggle when I would start to run out of air. He would let me up and I would gasp in a breath of air and He would push me back down again and hold me. We did that for a while then He pushed me my back and was playing with my nipples…then started slapped my right tit. When He stopped, He stuck His hand down to my cunt and of course I was soaking wet. He asked me if I wanted Him to fuck me and I begged for Him to fuck me. He pushed my hobbled legs open and entered my soaking wet cunt. He fucked me hard. The struggle and fight makes me so wet. At this moment I can’t remember what I said no to, but I got slapped hard for saying no and it was a lie….something I did not want to admit. I felt the sting of this mornings slap for hours.

After we had our fun, He had to get up and ready for work. We continued on with our morning routine.

I stopped this journal entry for a while and He just called to tell me He would be home in 30 to 45 minutes. I woke up from a short nap. I cleaned the bathroom today…and again I was very content cleaning. I did not get as much of the bathroom done as I wanted to, but I needed a scrub brush and could not find one.

I woke up from my nap very wet. I was dreaming of being given an enema. And then later in that day being used….my ass being fucked. I had the dream of the restraints, blindfold, gag and earplugs again too.

Things slowed down for me this afternoon, but I still feel on edge and distant from Him. I think it is just knowing He will be reading it.

Babysteps – but will it ever be easy? Will I ever just be able to go with things? And know He loves me and will not hurt me?

Monday, February 03, 2003

Mine...LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22): You are in for a bit of self-criticism as you seriously look at the reality of your feelings, your home and those structures that cannot easily be changed. Your emotions become subservient to the requirements of your life. This doesn't mean that you can't be creative or can't have fun. It just means that you'll have to make it work within the restriction that are being imposed.

His: SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21): You may be unsure of your emotions now, even if you thought you knew where you were going. You have been leading with your heart as you've inspired yourself and others. Perhaps you've created a relationship situation that now seems to be getting more restrictive than you would like. This is going to take some serious thought about things which should be easier and more fun than they have become.

It is still even though it Tuesday in Ohio....

I am still a very happy girl....

I forgot to say on Saturday when He picked me was 70 here! And then yesterday we went to breakfast and then ran some errands and it was 60 when we left and then had dropped by the time we got home to 40....and snowed last bizarre but so much the Colorado...I know.

I am so happy I can't even explain the feelings going through me...still...

Today I woke and we went through what would be my morning routine on the weekdays. And then the rest of the day will vary....but today He chained me to the bed. He did that purposefully as He wants me to slow down everything going on inside. And I believe He thinks I need to catch up on some much needed sleep.

We had a bump this morning. He wanted me to get in the cage while He showered. Not a big order to be in there for 10 mins at the most. But I panicked. And I was not able to do it and felt horrible. I disappointed Him. He believes enslavement is process though and so He feels we need to take babysteps. And one day I will be able to do everything He asks without fear and hesitation. I want that so much.

He felt the kicked puppy in me came out. I don't think I wrote about that much before. But I feel I have a kicked puppy in me. You know how abused animals act....that is how I act at times. And it not from M - just to clarify. He was extreme and did harsh things to me but I think I realized I had the kicked puppy issue with Him. I just can't see that it was the kicked puppy though as I did far more extreme things with logic would tell me that there were other issues arising. I am just not sure what they are...but I did get in the cage today. So, we have passed that first hurtle. But being in there longer now is the task at hand.

He came home at lunch and let me off the chain and hobbled me with ankle cuffs. He then made me lunch and fed it to me. He sat and I kneeled in front of Him as He fed me. It was such an odd feelings to be so out of control and so helpless not even to be able to feed myself. Before He left He gave me a couple things to do and I took it cleaning the kitchen and then making menus. And when He came home He was very pleased with me.

I made Him His first meal as His slave....and it was so nice. I was so calm and peaceful. Oh and today while cleaning His kitchen I was smiling and being so the kitchen LOL yes I am serious!

He loved dinner. We had a bottle of wine with dinner and then after dinner hobbled and all :) It was the first time I think I have danced since being married.

He is just great....

I remember asking Jim to dance when we were at home when a good song would come on and he thought I was strange for wanting to dance at home in private. But here I was naked, hobbled, dancing with Him...the man I adore and serve. It was a very emotionally intense moment.

Now I need to look up the song and read the lyrics. I might publish them here after I find them. :)

After dinner I happily did dishes and cleaned up the kitchen. And now I am here since He has work to do...He has allowed me online.

Can you believe this is my life? I keep wanting Him to pinch me to make sure it is real.

Touching Him....reaching out and being able to touch Him has been the best thing. I touch Him lots...He and I seem so compatible on things. I mean He is so romantic and then the D/s and the passion He has for the lifestyle is so right with how I feel.

Have I found the ONE?

It is February and Love is in the air. :)

If anyone needs to get a hold of me or has questions, please feel free to write me at

Saturday, February 01, 2003

Happy Girl

I am here safe and sound in HIS care.....feeling very safe and secure with Him.

Not sure where to start.....

I guess the beginning.....Moni and Katrina brought me to the airport and Moni played this song called Happy Girl (it is country - yucky). But it fit today....ALL day. I am very happy.....He is incredible and I can't even explain the feelings that are going through me.

I got here....and saw Him and a rush of energy soared through me I wanted to drop my bags and just and run to Him....

We hugged and kissed and it was like we were 2 giddy school kids.

I am not sure how to convey all the emotions going through me.

The next thing that happened....a collar....

While I was in Ohio still, He and I discussed....Him collaring me. I had issues with it but also wanted to please Him and knew ultimately it was His choice. I have issues with it basically because my previous owners did not collar me. I wanted to have that symbol but none of them felt the need for that symbol. And it is a symbol. I don't believe it is needed to be owned. I can be owned without the symbol. But the symbol was important to me. And it is something I have yearned for...but having it for a "month" to me was hard to swallow even though I want a collar very much. As we are just going month to month to see what happens with this thing we have going between us. But I did not really get what He is not just for a month.

He explained the meaning of the collar to Him. I did see His point but it still made me very nervous. I was flattered and very excited that HE wanted to collar me. I was speechless in fact when He first mentioned it.

So we really did not discuss it again. After we left the airport....He gave me a short tour of the area He grew up and then we headed to a fetish store. When we got out of the car....He took something out of his was a chain.

He placed it around my neck and I was scared but happy to have Him put it around my neck. No words exchanged. He just placed the chain around my neck and locked it in place. It felt very heavy like it was locking around me...all of me. It was a pure moment. It was a moment of belief and rightness. And so it felt heavy to remind me what I am and who I am to Him. He claimed me as His without words being needed.

I did not touch it because I felt like if I did I would start crying and we were about to be going into a store. So of course I did not want tears in there. It was really hard for me to realize it...the collar. that it is on me and I am here with feels very good.

We went into the fetish store...and I felt like I was floating high high up in the air and I know I had a huge smile on my face.

I am really owned this time. :)

So, later on the way back to His home....a 4 hour drive from Denver. He knew I had not touched it....and He told me too. I did and started crying. It felt the cold chain under my fingers....and it lightened immediately became real. Not that it was not real before but....that I had fully accepted what it meant.

I was a Happy Girl!

He and I talked about lots of different things on our way home.

I had drew a Osho Zen Tarot card int he morning it was the fool card...which is a good card despite the name. It is about living moment to moment. It is about taking a risk. It is about trusting intuition and the rightness of things.....

It has felt right.

I am not saying it could not change. But I hope it does not. As this feels very right.

He is a very good man and Dominant. He and I have a lot to process and just take this one step at a time on the path.

I am such a mixture of feelings. I am on a rollercoaster ride with them but I think it is pretty natural at this point.

We had a nice evening of talking on the way home, pizza when we got home and then we went to bed. We were both very tired and it was a long day. He put cuffs on me. And then he put an ankle cuff on my right ankle. When we went to bed, I was chained to the bed by the ankle cuff. It was very weird at first but I got used to it by the end of the night.

It am having a hard time to getting used to some things. One little Diet Coke. It is a small is an issue for me. silly huh?

It as He has said many is a process....

We will get there. :)

And right now I am just enjoying reaching out and touching Him....looking up and knowing....who He is...and what I am to Him....I am a Happy Girl!

(written on Feb 2 but dating it Feb 1 for that is when all of it happened)
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