Monday, April 08, 2002

Various Topics: Asthma, Nick's career choice, Art

Taken from my handwritten journal (been journaling there a lot because I have been sick and not online) written April 6th.

I am still sick and seems like it is going to stick around for a while. The last time I had pneumonia I was sick for 2 1/2 months. I was pushing myself then though and had lots of stress. I was being a mom then. Long story for anyone that does not know it. It was a hard situation. So, I am hoping this time though that I am not sick as long as I was then.

Yesterday, I had an asthma attack and almost thought I might end up in the ER. Asthma attacks always scare me. And the worst thing to do during them is panic. So, I need to keep calmer during them but of course I am trying to get a breath in and not doing it so well so it upsets me. Asthma attacks always scare me. And I am not sure why they scare me so much. I mean I know breath play is much different but you would think I would be calmer inside with an asthma attack because I "used" to having my breath deprived. I hate the feelings I have during the asthma attacks. Breath play though I "feel" the Dominant is in control. I trust him enough to be doing breath play with him also so that makes a difference. But with an asthma attack, I am not in control and no one else is either so I feel VERY out of control and so that panics me. The one yesterday upset me enough that I almost told Kam to bring me to the hospital even to just check in and have access to a breathing treatment when I need them. I mean I hear my lungs rattling and I can't breath - it is just a little scary.

Nick has been really worried about me and so he has been calling lots and even has written some emails! I tease him about the emails and thank him too...to make sure he knows how much they mean to me. It seems to be that the men I have had in my life don't like to email. And I like to email. I am able to express myself more easily writing the words instead of having to say them. I get flustered and lose what I want to say when I have something serious to talk about in person or on the phone.

One our conversations included what he is going to be doing with his career. Nick found out the same day I basically found out I needed to close my business that he was being laid off. He has many options but the one he is going with is....going to make things hard. It is something I know he wants very badly and I know he will be good at but it does worry me.

So he asked me my thoughts on him pursuing that line of work. And so I told him. I wonder if it scares him at times. When he told me he was going into the line of work he wants to pursue, my first reaction was fear of course. Fear that he will be putting himself in danger. I then - because I am neurotic - started to think of the future. And how his career will affect our life....my life.

I am very open and out to people in my life about my work (well former work) and being submissive.

My whole life I have hide who I was or shoved it away because it was not something I felt my partner would like. I am not meaning just hiding being submissive either. I hide so much about myself.

(Side Note: I miss Di. I hurt so much. I have been trying to pretend I don't need her but I do. She has been my best friend for almost 4 years. And writing about this issue is one thing I would discuss with her normally.)

So, basically I am out to all my friends - granted most of my friends are in the lifestyle. And those that aren't I know from the industry I worked in and many have an open mind so they did not have a problem with my lifestyle. They knew it was my thing and not necessarily theirs but were understanding.

Nick's life is very different. I would say he is probably not out to anyone in his life right now - except a few BDSM friends from online. And with his career choice, him ever being out to anyone is highly unlikely.

So my thoughts that I told him was that I have these visions of the future and if things progress with us and we are couple - that I am living there with him and I make good friends and then I am not able to be out to them. I am not going to have someone to share things with locally. I want to have friends I can be out too.

Nick checked into to seeing if there was BDSM meetings in bigger city that is an hour away from him...and there is meetings there. He checked that out for us...which impressed me. And basically those people I can be out to, but still those are going to be people that are an hour away from me. Not like it is a good friend down the street.

It is not like I want to be walking down the streets of his small town and stopping people to tell them. I don't do that here. But I do need friends that I am out too.

So that will be something he and I will face.

Something that made me feel good about our conversation is that he must have been thinking about this - I mean that I am out to people and involved in the BDSM community because he just talked about it like he had thought about it. And that made me feel good that he had thought about it.

Next topic - Art - I have been having so many images that I want to capture on paper. I have been trying to do quick sketches of them or words that will help me remember them. I wonder why I feel so creative right now when I feel so awful health wise.

I suppose I should get some sleep or try to - right now I get scared to go to sleep because every time I sleep then I wake up with an asthma attack or coughing attack :(

Good night…

peace,
danae

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