danae

Music: Pink

Saturday I talked to Nick on the phone and then after talking to him I talked to Monseigneur E. I had to ask permission for a few things for Saturday night. We had, I thought, a very good discussion. Several issues I have been mulling over were….cleared up. The things he said on the phone were said in a way that seemed to be a better way for me to understand them. And for the first time I understood some of what he meant…that I have been struggling with up until this point.

And also for the first time I felt regret in how I handled a situation that we have been going around and around on. Even though I still believe it went against my beliefs and being true to myself. I saw what it was saying about my commitment to him. And I had not seen that before. And I felt like I had let him down…I guess. That is not the exact words of what I am meaning. But it is the closest I can come to right in this moment.

Also a discussion about reacting…we were totally on different pages. I thought we were talking about a more specific kind of reacting when we were really talking about it more generally. And now after knowing that….I can see how the topic ended how it did. And that was not clear until talking on the phone also.

After I hung up the phone it felt like this weight was lifted off my shoulders. I still need to talk to Monseigneur E and Linda about some things but I feel more excited about visiting then I had…and that is a good thing to me. I actually mentally started packing…thinking of things I need to bring with me. And I had not done that to this point.

Saturday night we (Bill, Lisa and I) went to SMART. Lisa looked very pretty! : ) The topic was pony play. Not something I am totally interested in but supporting SMART. I am looking forward to next month as someone I admire is speaking. And also his slave is someone I care about and so I am hoping he brings her with him : )

I had the chance and permission to play but…I said no. I said no because right now I feel that tears would come very easy. And really I am just sick of crying. I have had so much in my life that I have cried about lately and I just don’t want to cry anymore.

There is something I had happen recently and I am not sure how to address here. I am going to do it in a round about way.

I recently had a wonderful woman tell me she has a crush on me. And I am very flattered : ) She understands right now my commitment is to Monseigneur E and Linda. I just don’t want to hurt her because my commitment is with them. It feels like a situation that I had with someone else in my life. And that ended very badly. I just don’t want to hurt this person at all. I don’t want there to be any false hopes. And I don’t want our friendship to stop because I am not able to give more then friendship. I do care about her and think she is so pretty and sensual…but right now Monseigneur E and Linda are first.

And I know she knows this….she told me my mind is already there with them the other morning. That was after my talk with him on Saturday. Really that is true…I am there…already. Which really is a good thing considering that I was really worried about some of the issues that were coming up I was concerned about not getting worked through enough to be on the same page. And now I believe that even with the communication problems we have…it is feasible to learn to understand each other and work towards a middle ground.

I just pulled a Rune…and I did not quite understand what it was trying to say to me and so I pulled another. And it sounds like it is saying the same thing. But it did use a few different lines…and I am not quite sure how to look at that in my life. Or with what is going on in my life is more the question.

Next topic…affection. I am such a strange duck when it comes to affection. I want it. But I am also scared of it. The image that just came to mind….after I wrote that….was of Todd and I holding hands…the first time he held my hand.

I remember that first time so clearly…him reaching out and grabbing my hand as we were walking through the parking lot. I remember the touch…of his fingers slide around my hand…and what it felt like. I looked at our hands joined together and then looked up at him…he was smiling at me…like he knew. He knew what it would do to me. Maybe he did.

Back to the topic of affection…I am moody about it. The other day I needed a hug and yet I did not let…Lisa come close enough to do it. And why? Because I am scared of those things. I am scared of affection at times or at first I guess. So, I hold back. I then get to a place where I can be affectionate but…I am moody with it. I will go through times where I want hugs and touches all the time and then all of sudden I am not wanting to be touched or hugged….or not even not wanting it. There is just not the need for it like there are other times. It is weird. I really don’t understand it. I am just moody with my affection.

I am missing Kam’s hugs. With all the things that were not good with him and I always felt safe in his hugs. I felt able to relax in those moments and not worry about anything. And right now I would love one of those strong hugs. Where it is strong arms around me to let me know everything is okay.

Of course I am sure there is more I can write about…but going to stop for a while. I am singing to the music I have playing and so my concentration is getting away from me LOL