A little look at the neurotic side of me...

Tonight we are going to a party...it is Holiday party.. And it is a party where I do like the company of several of the people, but it still doesn't matter because I am still nervous. Internally my brain is kind spinning out of control - please I was getting neurotic about it last night. Once I get there it will be better..it will..honest it will. Well...I still will be nervous but not this much.

This always happens to me before entering these type of situations. I was sitting here thinking about when I was in grade school, then junior high and so on...I always have been this way. When I was married, my husband and I entertained quite a bit and I was always freaking out right before it. Even when I was a social butterfly in Cleveland...I still almost would get sick to my stomach before going out. No matter how long I had known the people....well I take that back...parties that it was just the core group of good friends I never felt nervous about going. But if there were more then that group then I would get nervous. But again I was a social butterfly doing things with friends nightly at one point in my life. So although it happened...it seemed easier to deal with - at times. I do remember a few times where it was horrible horrible and a former partner got an awful lot of neurosis thrown his way. Master has had to deal with that too unfortunately.

So I don't think I was less nervous in Cleveland, but I am at a point in my life with Master where I don't have a lot of social interaction and so I feel I fumble over my words and never know what to say to make small talk. I read, I am interested in politics and daily current events, I love music, movies, art, food, wine but when in the moment I just never know what to say. I had some good conversations last year, but I also had about 3 glasses of wine.

When I lived in Cleveland, it seemed I was able to make small talk easier then I am now. In reality it probably is because I was so out to all my friends. Everyone knew my lifestyle, work and such and so I didn't have to hide. I could talk about anything and they understood as most of them were in the lifestyle anyway. All my good stories are of my life...my lifestyle....and whenever I start telling people I can be out to about my life they always look at me and say you should write a book. But this party...the parties we got to here locally - well I am not out to anyone. And so to them I have a life that seems very boring. I know many of them don't understand why I don't have a "career." Mind you I am an artist but at first most of them thought I was a "housewife." We don't have kids so they didn't understand it. Didn't understood how I could stay at home and not be bored and find "enough" to do. Which just always amazes me as there is ALWAYS something to be done around here...always. So anyway I have to watch what I say carefully so that I don't out us, I don't feel I can socially interact well because I don't feel I know how to do small talk and I am neurotic about it all.

Oh also...I am stressing about what to wear. OF COURSE! I kind of had an idea of what I wanted to wear about 2 weeks ago - yes I am a girly girl who thinks of that kind of stuff that far in advance. I picked the outfit, but I didn't pick the accessories out. And this is an outfit that definitely needs the accessories as it is all black and very much calls out for something. Also I was going to do stockings and garters under but then I remembered how it really lays flat against hips and bottom...and that would cause lines so I think I am going to have to do the dreaded pantyhose. But I am not sure I have a pair (wearable pair without little snags and are the right shade of black). I need to find that out and then comes the necklace this outfit really needs something bold. And I looked through stuff last night and really didn't find anything that would do that...and I just don't think the posture collar will do for this party (yes that was sarcasm). The sleeves on the outfit are 3-quarter sleeves. I have some silver bangles that are pretty and sparkly that would look festive so I could do that but I still think I need a necklace. And not sure bracelets and necklace might be TOO much. Oh the life of a girly girl who suffers from social panic!

Oh at least...as I sit here and type this I do have my hair dyed...so at least one thing done on the getting ready for this party tonight. Oh and the bars I am bring are done too.

Idea coming to mind....I might have to look through my beads and other jewelry making supplies and see if I find something to make quickly. Maybe a pendant on a piece of satin iridescent ribbon. Or something else similar. I also should look for a scarf I have that is red silk with black dots....maybe that just draped around my neck and knotted would be okay. Oh I don't know - I guess after my hair is all done I will look for hose and accessories.

Yes this is boring entry of my neurosis.