Thursday, August 22, 2002

Putting Him First

I just don't feel in that writing mood. I had an interesting talk via an email with someone and then also with Linda yesterday that I would like to write about but my brain just is...not focused on one thing but....it is...I know I am confusing as usual. Right now my BIG proirity is to get things to move out on Saturday and it seems when I look around still lots to do and then other times it does not. And that is my main focus.

I told Monseigneur E that right now I feel I am putting me first. That I am not putting him first...and it has bothered me. I think about things and go is this going to be a good path for me? Is this what is best for me? And I have done that in the past but not to this degree. And I am very scared. I do things not because I know it is what he wants...but because I feel I need to for me.

When I was angry at him, I talked to him not for him, but for me. Because closing off and walking away would have been bad for me.

I did something for him the other day that I am not sure...I am happy I did now. But it felt like the right thing as "slave."(cringing as type that word) I cringe because of course I am going through that phase of there is no way in hell I am slave.  Not with the things that were on the tip of my tongue....and ready to say to Monseigneur E on Monday.

I guess I will write more when I feel the words can come out. Getting back to work now.

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