Jaded

I woke up about 2:30 am with a nightmare. And tried to get back to sleep. I ended up getting up at 3:30am and wrote Nick an email, wrote some work emails, and then went to watch TV.

I was flipping through channels stopping here and there and at 4am a movie came on....that I stopped to watch. It was a book and then a movie - real life story. A movie about what I do for a living. The end of the movie I related to lots. She was tired. It made me think of my life and writing about my life. LOL What a story.

I remember the first time I met Jackie we are all around the table eating dinner and I was sharing stories of my life. And she was just looking at me with this amazed look on her face. I said what? She said you think your life is boring don't you. I said yes. I look back at this past year and even though what I do for a living is not ordinary. It is job and I get sick of it just like other people do with their jobs. And at times it just seems to ordinary to me.

I am jaded.....

Even watching that movie tonight what she was doing and saying seemed very everyday to me. I think people reading this would be sad to think that I have "become" this way. But really....all my life nothing has ever shocked me. I am so on the opposite ends of my life.....I am naive and innocent still as well as jaded.

An innocent thing:

One night talking to Ray about masturbating I admitted I never even masturbated until I was 27 or 28 years old. And when I did I never achieved orgasm until I started adding toys.

Jaded thing:

He asked me what I did when I was horny when young.....I said I found someone to have sex with. LOL It is true.

I think of my life and that is where I think the story should come into play. It is so all over the place. I was sexually active at a young age and then I moved to Nebraska at age 10. I then did not do the things I had done before. I did not have anything sexual happen again until I was 16. When I was 16, I felt like I was starting over. I did not know what to do and very shy. We moved from a town with less then 1000 people to a city of 500,000. So I experienced a little bit if culture shock. If they only knew of the little girl I was before. I probably am lucky I was not the same. I became very introverted...shy.

This is a strange rambling blogger....

Last December was HARD but things changed for me then too. This December they are proving to be hard again.

Kam told me he did not want me here for Christmas. I heard that last Christmas too but in the end I know Kam was happy I stayed. We had a nice Christmas. So this year I pretty much chalked it up to him being him and hating Christmas and his birthday so just saying it. And then he said it again today. Well, it pretty much was one of those times where I was like fine you don't want me here I will leave then. So I looked for prices online for a ticket found one that is reasonable, called my parents to see if it was okay with them that I came and then told Kam. Of course he then tells me that I can stay. So, now I have my mom all excited about coming and not sure I am going to. Most I have wrote about Kam in a long time.

Anyway so now I am not sure what to do....stay or go to my parents.

He is not like he was last year but it is hitting lots of buttons from last year. So part of me thinks if it is going to stay like this then I really should leave because I do not deserve to be treated that way....especially when I am not doing or saying anything to cause it.

It is 6am and I am up...I have been since 2am. I have a long day ahead of me of course too. I just am so tired. I need a vacation so bad.

But going to my parents will not be a vacation. Ugghhh

I was just reading through old emails that Nick has sent me....

He sent me one in September.....

It said: "In case you hadn't guessed, I do miss you lots"

When he and I first started talking he was opening up....that was close to that time. Since he has been so busy, he has closed parts of himself off and does not say things like that anymore. And I understand but it still is hard. He though of late has not opened up, but I guess made me feel more secure in knowing he does care and showed me he wants to keep going forward. So that has helped me a lot.

I am all over the place of course as usual....

So much to do.....

good night...

peace,
danae