Tears

Music: Stadivari Sampler CD

I am ready to throw things and scream and yell and curl up and cry. I have not cried one of those really good cries in a really long time. Probably have not cried since August when I finally cried over Todd. I have not had time to break down.

Things are so up and down. Business is still GREAT. But if anyone ever says to me in the future lets open a business with ALL women involved....I really need to think 2 times....3 times...at least 10 times about it. It is one drama after another with them. And it just gets very tiring.

Kam has had to run all over today and without him I think I would have broke down today. I mean at one thing after another went wrong today. Really this week the last 2 days have been like that. I am VERY VERY thankful to have him in my life. I love him.

It was really hard to book that plane ticket last night. Kam told me I could stay here for Christmas. He changed his mind. He is going through what I am right now...I want to be with him as this might be our last Christmas together. I am not sure but who knows what the future hold. I care for Nick very much and if things work with him...who knows where I will be in a year. I also have not been to see my parent for Christmas in 3 years and Christmas is my mother's favorite holiday. And mine. If I stayed it would be hard emotionally. Kam does not want anything Christmas up a tree - my nativity set and so on. So, it would be hard to not celebrate Christmas if I stayed. I had asked Di, Ray and Nick's advice. They all told me to go to my parents. And I still even last night as hit the purchase button I wondered if I was doing the right thing.

Kam has been so good to me really since right after Todd and I broke up I noticed the biggest changes. He takes care of me and I like that. I like not having to be in charge. Yes, some things I still am but right now since he is home all the time I have not had to deal with nearly as much as I did. And that feels good. To know someone else will handle it. Like all that went on this morning he took care of and I know it was REALLY stressful for him too but he did it for me.

Okay I need to change subjects and stop tearing up so much.

I talked to Nick online this morning. Time wise if you looked at when we started the conversation and ended it - it was a long time but actual conversation with him working was hard. But I also understand. I gave him my parent’s number and all my flight info. I hope he calls me at my parents. He will have his laptop with him so we will be able to talk via online. I just need to make sure I talk on one of my semi-vanilla names.

I feel very cut off from everyone right now. I have hardly talked to anyone. I know Lisa is going through a lot and I think of her lots. Di is going through a lot and I do not feel I have been there for her enough. I have not seen Moni in ages and miss her so much! JJ and I were suppose to do dinner on Monday I can't remember what crisis happened that night where I did not get to call her and make plans for that. So I hope to either try to get her before I leave or right when I get home. Same with Moni! Moni's birthday is coming up. I made her something last year for her birthday and chickened out on giving it to her so maybe I will get the nerve this year. I have not talked to SJ in a long time. Kam keeps more in touch with her.

I need to take my sister out when I am at my parents and explain more what I do for a living since I outed myself to both my sisters when visiting my sister at Thanksgiving. Jim's parents sent me a nice Christmas present as usual :) They are very good to me. I stayed with them in Kansas for a night and they brought me to the airport. Jim's mom main concern was that I find someone to live all my days with and be happy. She wants me to enjoying growing old and loving someone. She told me she pictured me with someone older then me. My first thought when she said that was Sir Rob. I actually thought of him quite a bit on that trip. I think of him lots now too. But I know he does not wish to chat with me because he wants me as his and sees that I am Nick's.

The other day someone messaged me while I was chatting with Sir Nick....and said something like Cum here now Slut! I cut and pasted it to Sir and cut and pasted my response to that person to Sir also. He liked my response. The person then came back with is he using you. And I just do not like online stuff where people act like he would be beating me online. I just lived there once and do not get it anymore. Real thing is what I want to feel!

I am babbling....so what is new.....

peace,
danae