Too Forceful

Music: Various Christmas Music

Well, business is going very good but because of that I am working like none stop. I just wish for a day off. Kam said he would do work this week for 2 days to give me days off. But I also know I am a control freak and have to ask him if he did such and such and such and such. So I won't be able to totally to let go and just relax and do nothing work related.

I was reading through old journal entries and I talked about how the man I broke up with saw things totally different then how I saw them. And then looking over parts where I talk about Sir Nick doing something to put me on a certain path. And I wonder if I want that so that is what I see. Or if it is really there. It really seems like it is but maybe I want what he seems to offer so much I see what I want to see.

One night chatting with him online. I told him I was braindead. He wanted me to describe something. And I just was not in the right mindset to *think.* Just thinking was too much. So he started describing it and how he described it made me get in the mindset and pretty soon I was describing and being very detailed lol And I believe he did that on purpose. And when I asked him about it he is very just nonchalant about it. Like maybe I did. Making me guess and wonder. I guess it keeps me on my toes lol

Anyway, I see things in him that seem to be what I seek in my relationship D/s and vanilla.

Yesterday was 4 months of Sir Nick and I talking online and the phone.

We were talking on Sunday night. And I was chatting with Di and also Ray around the same time as Sir Nick was up and down from him computer busy with things.

Ray had told me he agreed with my post on the ultimatum for the most part. So I of course asked him what for parts did he not agree with.

Ray said: "More in tone than substance. I don't feel any ability in you to humble yourself, lower yourself, in order to communicate your needs. Feels forceful to me and I can understand why others would object to that even if you're right"

I have the ability to humble myself and lower myself to communicate but it is something I will not give up until I know....that I am safe. Because doing that breaks a wall down in me and makes me more exposed and vulnerable. So, I do not do that. I also found with Kam if I was humble and lowered myself he never took me seriously. (Or at least that is how it seemed)When I came to him in a forceful manner he responded and took notice.

I just was reading back some serious emails with Sir Nick - where I was trying to communicate needs and such and I think I came across demure and not humble but not forceful either.

I think when I write about these things in my journal I come across as being very forceful but I am actually not.

Ray said: "still, there is a layer of dignity, or control, that you never take away. Is that right for a "slave", I don't know. Personally I want to see it stripped away."

He is right it is always there. And I want it stripped away. It is just going to be a hard task for whoever decided to take it on. Sir Nick up to it? *grin*

I really do want it stripped away. I want to be enslaved.

When Sir Nick first messaged me Sunday night, I got upset right away. And I do not know how to convey this but I really am understanding of his schedule. It just is hard and it is easier then it was at first but I do not like it and does not mean that it is easy to deal with now. It is not. I just have learned ways to cope with it better. Does not make it easier. Anyway, I started crying and I did not tell Sir Nick but I told Ray. And I said I hate to cry. I do I cry a lot but I hate crying. At least I feel I cry a lot.

I do want expose myself to Nick. It just will take time.

More of my convo with Ray.....

Ray: "The dance is nothing without empathy. Without it it's just abuse."

He then asked me about Mistress DM. Which I thought was interesting. He wanted to know about a woman that could get me to crawl. So we talked about her for a while.

We also talked about something that he has used to get to me. My name. My real name. He was the first to get it.

I shared the secret with Nick. He had an interesting point to make about it. But I am not sharing that here :)

My conversation with Nick started out rocky and I know he did not get that right away but he always figures it out. It is scary.

Di asked me what makes Nick tick. And my answer was that I did not know. And most of the time I don't. He keeps himself closed off but not in the same way as Dale and Todd did. Nick is honest but just does not I guess find it necessary to go into certain areas. Not that won't share some areas with me someday (like Todd never wanted to share some areas with me) Nick will it will just take time - trust - building of a relationship. But I told Nick my answer to Di and he seemed surprised. I do not think I offended him but I surprised him.

Di and I were talking about the assignment knowing. I told her Nick was going to make me ask about it. He was not upset with me. He says that he knows that I will turn in assignments as soon as I can if I can't get to it right then. And doing it counts. Di and I were talking about what I thought about what he had to say when he asked me a question that came out the blue.

I really am amazed how sometimes it feels like he reads my mind. Because Sir asked me a question and it seemed like he had been a mouse in the corner of Di and my im convo lol

I have never had a Dominant ask me that question and I was totally impressed.
He then went on to let me know when I would hear from him and that made me feel very wanted. I know silly but it did.

I was in a weird mood and I apologized to him for being weird. And then he said one more thing that was like he had been listening to Di and my conversation. And then he ended with something that makes me feel control and it is just a little thing. And that made me feel good that he did that, as he has not in a very long time.

So the conversation with him was great. He is great and I can't wait to submit to him in person.

peace,
danae