Forgetting Room

Music: Celtic Voices ~ Women of Song, Celtic Christmas, Clannad

"Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional." ~ Hermann Witt

That was a quote on a coaster when I went out with my parents and sister to Champs. I liked it so took the coaster with me.

I have lots rolling around in my head and my heart.

On the plane I started another book by Paulo Coelho....The Alchemist. One the way back on the plane I finished it. I was exactly half way through it when I stopped on the way there....and finished the rest on the way back...weird huh? It was a very good book. It is about going after your dreams which are part of your destiny. The Valkyries probably made more of an impact on me. But The Alchemist spoke to me also. Over Thanksgiving at my sister's I read the Forgetting Room by Nick Bantock and it was a really good book too. It puzzled me that Todd had read this book and not got it...or actually I think he did but he did not know how to grasp on to the idea and go forward with it. Scared maybe.

I thought of Todd a few times over the holiday at my parents. It was weird. We were sitting in a restaurant my mom, dad and sister were talking about things and before my eyes the last time Todd and I were together flashed before my eyes.

The last time we were together....physically.....was rough and hard. The pain the love I had for him all felt in those moments as it replayed before me. It was weird how it came to me. It was flashes of images but out of order kind of but all there. Some of the flashes made my mind think of that night so it was like I was thinking of the night and replaying it slow and all of sudden a flash - fast before my eyes would happen on top of the other image. It was like I was watching 2 screens almost. My hand went up to my breast...top of it...and just was held there and my mom asked me if I was okay. I did not hear her but did and then I snapped out of it and said yes...realized my hand was there....the place where he had bit me and I ended up having a bruise that I think lasted 6 weeks. I got up and went to the bathroom I was not scared by the images - but sad.

I am worried about Sir Nick as I have not heard from him and I got the impression from him he would call me while at my parents. But he did not. It made me sad he did not and then now because it has been so long since I heard from him I am worried.

While at my parents my mom, my sister and I talked about relationships. I got sad thinking about things....

I really want someone who will give as much in a relationship as give.....

I just stopped writing for a little while because Honey just called me. I had not heard from her in a while. I wrote friends of hers in Germany that I really liked and asked them about her since I had not heard from her. And he got on her case for not letting me know she is okay :) See next time I just need to go to him so that I know I will hear from her lol

We joked that our lives are in the same place they always are....lol

She was not thrilled with the things I was saying about my current relationship status. And I knew her current relationship status has to be stressful. So we are in the same place we always are lol

I met someone online yesterday that was very interesting we spent many hours online chatting. He, actually, reminded me of Nick when Nick and I first started chatting as Nick read everything I had out there too. And this man was the same he read a lot of what I have out there. It made me miss those times with Sir Nick even more.

I also chatted with Sir Rob yesterday.....the first time in a while. I thought of him quite a few times while at my parents.

I have been having lots of nightmares....and I wake up wanting to call Nick but know he will not be there or not hear the phone or what not. That is a really hard thing to deal with not having that person there for you when you need them. The person I chatted with last night told me I could call him...he just met me and was saying I could call him that seemed amazing to me. I did wake up with nightmares....right now they are going to happen and i understand that and accept that....I just wish that i had someone help me get through them. :(

One line in The Forgetting Room ……”….remember here in the Forgetting room the past is the present.”

We learn from our past…it is who we are…..it creates who we are…..

I am the person I am because of all the things I have went through….and I do like the person I am and I just need to keep remembering that….

I am who I am….because of my experiences good and bad…..

peace,
danae