Tug on my Leash

I don't need a tug on my leash to remind me who I am. I understand why some do and I know that early in my relationship with Master I probably felt I needed it, but mostly I just asked if things were okay when I was feeling off.


Just because I don't need the tug on the leash doesn't mean it doesn't sometimes feel nice when it happens.


A long time friend of mine, who is a dominant, wrote Master to let him know she and her slave are coming through town.  Master had been corresponding with her on it.  I was left out of it completely.  I really didn't even know anything about it.  When Master told me, it did give me that little tug that reminded me I am his property and well I don't need to be privy of all information. Master controls a lot of my life, but it has become such a part of my life that I sometimes don't notice it. This time I noticed.  It was just nice to feel it more overtly than usual.


Master's working on a big important project right now so when some details of my friends visit came up a few days ago, he told me he needed me to handle coordinating it. And again, I felt the tug ...a more overt tug that reminds me I am here to serve. Again - I serve him all the time but this was different so made me more aware of it.


So sometimes a tug on the leash feels nice when it happens in these small unexpected ways.

30 Days of Kink - Day 7

Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?

Well Master's hand is what I prefer to be beat with, but if we are going for actual toy - single tail probably is my favorite.  We really don't have the space in our house for using it though.  Master has used outside on me - out in the middle of no where.   It would be nice to plan one of those evenings again.    We both had a lot of fun.  Second runner up is the cat-o-nine.  It is nasty and I love the pain it inflicts. Gives me little masochistic shivers right now thinking about both the single tail and cat-o-nine. 

As said to start though I love it when Master uses his hand on me - slapping, hitting, grabbing, digging his fingers in, punching, spanking, squeezing, smothering, choking, twisting and pulling.  It is a wonderful feeling to feel the contact of his hand.   An intimacy/connection that can't be experienced with toys.  


previous answered questions

BDSM Blacklist

On Salon.com there is an article about starting a BDSM Blacklist.  Now whenever I see articles or discussions about a blacklist I realize Master would probably be on the list because I get comments and questioning from people in the BDSM community how I am being abused.  I realize that often those are the people that would be adding/nominating people for the blacklist.

But as someone who has seen both sides of where this can go - it just scares me and annoys the crap out of me when these discussions are started.

I have been abused and raped. I was sexually abused as a child, gang  raped at 18 and physically and verbally abused as an adult (which I will get into further down in the post). As a child, I didn't know how to stop it. It was very confusing.  I hold my attacker responsible solely for doing what he did to me.  As a child, I didn't have the right decision making skills to know what to do. I was helpless and under the adult's authority so I had no choices. He was absolutely wrong in what he did and should have been locked up as I am sure he hurt more children. 

Here comes an unpopular view though....at 18...I do take some of the responsibility. The main responsibility falls on that man that raped me and had me gang raped. But I do hold some responsibility and before I took that responsibility I felt like victim. After I realized my role in it - I took my power back and felt more empowered. Staying in the victim role, kept me in a cage for years. And not a fun bdsm cage - but a cage within myself where I was really hard on myself. But when I admitted out loud my role in it then I could take back my power and walk forward.  I know that many don't agree with that view but it helped me to think like that and if it helps me take my power back then to me that is all that matters. I understand that might not work for many and do not view it the same. 

I know I didn't I deserved to be rape - no one does but that is a thought that did go through my brain at one time. I know even at 18 and because of my early childhood sexual abuse my reasoning and decision making skills were skewed and that the main responsibility lies in the men that raped me and not me. It isn't that these men were right or anything like that but I could have done things different to help my situation.  And in viewing it that way helped me learn, grow and move forward. I am not saying it would help others to view it that way - it just helped ME. When I said no and stop with them, they should have stopped - instantly. But they didn't.  They are responsible for those actions.  I am responsible for being involved with him when I knew he was bad news.  Again doesn't make anything he did or said to me right. He was wrong.

When I started in the BDSM community, I was all excited to be experiencing all the fun kinky things I could and it was hard to keep my head on my shoulders and not get involved in situations and with people that weren't probably the right type of people for me. Thankfully though I was lucky and didn't get hurt or at least hurt badly enough that I felt lines were crossed in those early days of exploring.  

It was actually after I had been in the BDSM community for many years that I ended up having boundary lines cross. The incidents happened about  1 year within each other. Each of  these 2 men crossed lines.  I regret that it happened. I regret I didn't speak up to them more than I did. One of the gentlemen apologized for crossing the line and we both learned a lot from the situation.  The other one told me I was the type of submissive that will do anything so that is why he crossed the line. He crossed it purposely because he felt he could walk over me. I did say stop. I did negotiated boundaries and it didn't matter to him.  (See when people get into the you need a safeword for those type of situations - I always tell them this man wouldn't have stopped for a safeword. A word won't protect me.) That man doesn't believe that he had crossed lines because my "lines are meant to be crossed".  

Both crossed negotiated lines, but neither of them would I ever say put on a BDSM blacklist.  The one man learned from it and the other, well in talking to those in his community, which I did before I palyed with him and after, he never crossed lines. I still wouldn't put him on the list.  This is where you do the best with the information you have - in talking to people since this is someone I was playing with - out of my area - they said he was safe.  I took the risk to play with him and he crossed lines.  I told him my issues and hopefully he heard. But I did also take to heart what he said - he told me that he felt like I was the type of submissive that would let my boundaries be crossed. So again for me some responsibility falls back on myself because I walked into a situation never seeing him play or knowing enough about him.  Also when he was crossing those lines, I didn't get firm with him on stopping. It might not have mattered in the situation, but I should have tried.  I did let him walk over me. He was wrong for ignoring our negotiated boundaries but it made me be a stronger bottom/submissive in the future because I didn't want that to happen again. 

Now there was one more dominant I was with that most people would put on a BDSM blacklist. All my friends felt he was too extreme and dangerous.  But I don't think he crossed lines because he said to me before he even laid a finger on me -  that if I got involved with him there were no lines.  Only his lines. If I didn't want him to cross something, then don't get involved with him.  But he explained that he would cross lines if I played with him.  I walked in knowing that he would cross my lines, but really at that time in my life I wanted him to cross those lines...I wanted to be pushed. He did cross and push many times over and I can say without a doubt I don't regret being with him.  But he did make it clear he would not respect soft or hard limits before he even laid a hand on me.      

After I became Master's, I was on an egroup on yahoo (yes back in the days of egroups) and the owners of the group published that man's full name and phone number on their group.  They labeled him as "dangerous."  That he didn't stick to negotiations.  First thing I did was write him to let him know his info was posted on a public egroup to 100's of people.  And then I wrote the owners of the group and said that I didn't agree with that - as someone who had played with him he states right away he is extreme and will cross lines and boundaries and if you don't want that  - don't get involved with him. He doesn't negotiate.  They thought that meant he was dangerous that he wouldn't negotiate. Dangerous for people who aren't smart enough to believe him when he says that he won't negotiate? Yes I guess so. But when you walk in knowing it would be that way - well that just makes you not thinking very logically. Does that mean he should be on a dangerous list?  No, not in my opinion. He lays out what he expects and for some people like me - I liked that and desired that.  I wanted it and if it became too much I could walk away.  In the end I didn't walk away for anything that he did to me in SM play.  I just wanted a more full and rounded relationship not just the play and he wasn't willing to go there.

What happens in some situations - and I am not saying every situation is like this - is that the person gets upset because they don't realize that what they signed up for or that negotiated boundaries were going to go to that place that is too hard or extreme for them. After it is done they basically say that the person was dangerous, even though it was worked out ahead of time that they might go to that line. It is the submissive regretting she gave consent. I have found that some submissives crave the rough and extreme stuff, but when actually in the situation go - "oh no this isn't for me." It is perfectly okay to say this isn't how it was in my head or how I thought it would be I need to stop.  But often what I have seen happen instead of stopping and leaving - she gets upset and says that the dominant is dangerous. 

I have also seen in the community where a couple plays a few times and then one or the other breaks it off and well...the partner starts playing with another and then it comes out from the submissives that he is dangerous.  It usually comes across as she is jealous that he found another partner.  

And then there are the times of course when someone really did violate boundaries. It does happen.  It happens I think more then we want to talk about it. I do think it should be talked about but I still am not wanting to start a black list. I still don't feel it is the right thing to do.  Who would decide who is on this black list? Would the person that I played with, apologized, learned from the situation be on that blacklist? Would the dominant that told me upfront  how we would play be on that list?   Who decided and what are the deciding factors. I think abuse and what a person constitutes as abuse is a very personal thing. 


One of my relationships, after the M/s part of it ended, we were still together - living together as girlfriend/boyfriend.  But it was a very volatile relationship that had abuse in it. That partner threw me against walls, backhanded hard enough that I would fall down, was verbally abuse, threw things at me and I had people tell me to get out that he was abusing me, but really I couldn't admit it to myself until a certain point and I feel it was important for my healing and moving forward that I did decide that for myself.  It is hard to admit you are in an abusive relationship. I believe I hadn't put a stop to it before then because I felt like I deserved it.  It wasn't until I was able to admit to myself - I don't deserve this treatment that I could stand up and fight back. So when grabbed me again....and was ready to throw me against wall again....something snapped inside that said no more.  I told him that if he tried it again - I would call the cops. He stopped. I am not sure I ever told friends or blogged about that experience but after talking to Master about this subject he told me he felt it was significant to this topic.  

It is hard for me to admit that one. I had lot of help with my sexual abuse and rape - dealing with it and processing it. But not sure I processed the abusive relationship I had been in because I just don't like thinking of that time but instead focus on the M/s parts of it and the Daddy/little girl parts which weren't abusive. It was only after the M/s ended that the abuse started happening. 

I am sharing those experiences so that it is known I understand abuse and rape, but still doesn't make me want a BDSM Black List.  Someone telling me he was on a Black List wouldn't have made me wake up faster from the abuse. 

I used many factors when I was single and going to play with someone new. I watched the person play, watched how they were with those play partners, I watched them just interact with people in general were they polite or arrogant and pushy.  I used a lot of internal instincts too - and that isn't measurable with facts and figures or a list. But even with all those things....doesn't mean that you won't be the person that they now decide to hack off toes. Someone not on a list doesn't automatically mean they are a good person. We have to use common sense.  What might be okay for me might not be okay for you so that man that I didn't negotiate with because he didn't allow that - is okay for me but obviously that isn't the type of play for everyone.  If he was on that list, then someone who wants what he does would end up missing out on a good time.  That man that I played with who learned and grew from the situation we had together - he was a really good man and lots of people would miss out on him if he ended up a blacklist.  Master and I have a relationship that is suitable to us and putting him on a blacklist won't make him suddenly unsuitable for me. 

A blacklist doesn't work because it won't be based on criteria that works for everyone. It won't stop that guy who I played with and crossed my lines with me but hadn't up until that point.  Because no one will know about him.  It doesn't keep us safe.  It just harms innocent people that end up on it.  

30 Days of Kink - Day 6

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

Really I am not sure any of my fantasies are weird to me. I mean others might look at them and think weird, but I don't as they are my fantasies.  Now having sex with clowns while being beaten with a fly swatter might get someone off but that to me is weird. But again if that is what gets someone else off - more power to you. :) 

Most interesting fantasy...I am not sure....

All my fantasies kind of intertwine with each other and they are always dealing with humiliation/degradation.  Being treated like an object - an it or nothing/nobody for longer term.  Master will go those places when we are having sex but it usually it doesn't last more then an afternoon or a work day.  I would like it to be 24 hours or more.  He would too.  We have been building towards it as humiliation is something that we have taken very slow because for me with him humiliation has been different than it has been in previous relationships. It hits different spots in me.  Master likes hitting those spots, but he also feels I have some issues that might be harmed more by humiliation so we tread carefully with it. 


previous answered questions

Ugly July

This month has been hard on me.

 The end of May my sciatica came back and it is just getting worse and worse.  To the point that this month - I can't stand or sit very long. Laying down seems to give me the most relief at this time, but still is very painful and have to readjust positions often.  I have an appointment with my doctor next week. 

Because I am in such pain, I am falling behind on things around the house and other things such as blogging. But I have been reading like a mad-woman.  I am going through a book in a day or two.  My library requests aren't keeping up with me so in between waiting for them - I am rereading the Anita Blake series by Laurell K. Hamilton.  I have most of them so keep pulling them off the shelf in between my library books.  I am almost to the point in the series where I stop liking them.  

I am also reading the Highlander series by Karen Marie Moning and going to reread her Fever series after the Highlander series. If you haven't read anything by Karen Marie Moning and like bodice ripper type books - read her.  Master thinks is it is amusing because I can read her books that are bodice rippers where the woman is held down, hooded in one, tied up in others and  even one of them starts out with how the man is hung like a horse and even the horses envy him but I am not big on BDSM fiction. The Market Place series by Laura Antoniou being the exception.  But I like the bodice rippers where the women are feisty and get tamed. 

Books are the only thing keeping me from drowning right now.  When I am in this kind of pain cycle, it starts to bring me down. My depression starts weighing on me and I feel myself sinking into it.  I get why. I understand it logically but trying to fight it has nothing to do with logic.  It has nothing to do with even seeing it happening - even though recognizing it is good so I can see I need to fight it. It is just hard and tiring.  Books though have become the only thing that keeps my mind from sinking into it.  

Master is going through a great amount of stress right now too.  The kind of stress that makes your chest hurt.  I am trying to help him and just be here for him which I know he appreciates my support but I wish I could help more then just being supportive.  But this is a stress that won't go away until a solution is found. 

So that is where things are at the moment. I just thought I would try to get a life update posted so that people didn't think I fell off the earth. 

Lately

I will apologize in advance for the words I use in the post. I don't have words to accurately describe what I am feeling so it might come off as a cheap porn, but please know I  recognize the problem I am having with finding the right words.


Lately whenever Master touches me I am pretty much set on fire. It is like an electrical current running through my body that only he knows how access. So while driving he will reach over and touch my arm and I moan. When passing by me in the house, he will touch me just to get me to moan and wiggle because I do every time he touches me.


A little over a week ago, we were engaged in SM and sex. Master had his hand between my legs digging, grabbing, twisting and scrapping my pussy.  It hurt like hell, but yet I was so turned on that I would hump against his hand as he was doing these cruel things to me. After humping once and seeing how much pain I was in but how damn turned on it made me, he of course made me do it over and over. Because he likes I am willing to hurt myself for him.  For several days after, it hurt to pee.  And although it hurt to pee, every time he touched me - I was ready to hump his hand again. I moved my hips and moaned with just a little touch of his fingertips to my arm. We were in the car a day or so later running errands and he touched me so lightly but I moaned and moved my hips. He said, "you would hump my hand right now wouldn't you?"  And he was right, I would have because he touched me and it turns my whole body on ready to go. It is a buzzing beneath my skin that is just always ready right now and when he touches me - my body is just so thankful for even that little touch.


Last week, Master had to go do some business in a neighboring town so that meant a little road trip for the day.  I went with him. Before we left, I asked if he wanted me to wear anything specific as he had been making hints of things he wanted to do while we were on the road so knew he might have something in mind for clothing. He did.  He bought me this gold bodysuit ages and ages ago. Although it is something he loves it, it is something I put on very rarely because it makes me so self conscious.  But he asked me to wear it under a knit dress that has buttons from top to bottom. Meaning it is easy to get on and off in the car while riding along with Master.


On the way there he needed to focus on work. But on the way back he had plans.  A short ways out of town, he had me taking off my dress so I was just in the gold suit.  He then took a turn off the main highway and pulled to the side of the road. He got out and inserted The Dukes (benwa balls) into me. He took backroads on our way home which are much more bumpy and so I felt the The Dukes moving around inside me.  Turning me on and making me wet.


We had never taken this road before. We had thought about it but just didn't have the time when we didn't know how long it would take us. But today we decided to take a chance and so glad we did as it was so pretty. I now think it is going to be on my list as a  favorite. It would be incredible to live there but probably not great internet service reaching there. But truly beautiful and breath-taking.


The road came out in a small town on our original route so were able to take that the rest of the way home. Master had commented on the way about all the construction around that area. Basically saying I would be in my gold suit on the way home and the construction workers would be able to see me.  Well we didn't bypass the construction taking the scenic route - so about 20 mins before the construction, Master had me start masturbating with my remote control egg. I had 6 orgasms before we reached the construction.  They had the road open only one way so ushering people through in groups.  Just as we reached the stop point - to wait to get ushered I was having an orgasm. I pulled myself kind of upright instead of all down in my seat and tried to pretend I was okay. But Master kept pushing the remote to the egg up and down so the intensity would sometimes make me wiggle around more and make some moaning noise.


When we got going again, Master had me start masturbating again. While driving he would reach over and spank my pussy, slap my tits or grab and squeeze them hard. I am not sure how many more orgasms I had but a couple more at least but they were so powerful that I was begging no more. He said he didn't think he heard me correctly and keep pushing.  Eventually he allowed me to stop and I was ready for a nap with all the exertion in the hot weather.  Not that I am complaining it was a fun way to spend our time on the road home.  


As a slave, I think people sometimes think life is full of SM and sex. But we ebb and flow like every couple. Just right now we are having almost daily moments that when he touches me, it just sets turns something on inside me and it has helped keep that flow of sexual/SM energy up.

Processing

Tora wrote a blog entry about processing issues slowly.  I know that I do too.

I remember when I started having flashbacks of when I was raped. I couldn't understand why 10 years later it was happening.  Why at that time -  I kept asking myself and my therapist.  But my therapist  reminded me that I was in therapy and learning to cope in better - healthier ways and so I was *able* to process it then. Unfortunately though, when it happened, those around me wished it was going faster and felt I should be over it.  When that happened it really caused me to question myself and caused me to stumble. There came a point where I didn't want to deal with all their issues around it and mine anymore. I was not able to cope so tried to kill myself. But I did work through it and I did eventually process it. But it took 10 years after it happened though to be *able* too.  

I think I process a lot of important issues and things that push buttons inside - slower then other issues. I know I have gotten better on processing some stuff but some issues I think will always be slow.  It can be hard on the people around me and I wish I knew how to help them understand and cope - when really I don't feel they should have to wait for me to catch up but I can't go faster then I am able.  

I know for me to process it slower means it won't be rushed, stuffed away or just put it in denial land.  By processing it when I am able - I won't forget little things that might be forgotten if I just try to "deal" and "accept." I know that when I have tried to deal with things faster - things fall apart for me in ways I don't want to go through again.  Even though I know that I am able to cope with outside pressures better.

I am actually going through a pretty major issue and it is going slow.  It is frustrating for me as well as those around me. But I am doing the best I can and continue to work on it in the ways I am able too right now.