Fading D/s?

So I have been blogging for almost 13 years. I was doing a back up the other day and realized I have a few posts here. Yes that is said with tongue in cheek - maybe just more than a few as I can be a little verbose at times.  I mean look at year 2002 on the side bar has 420 posts. Anyway, I decided I would go through the archives and find some posts to repost with some added commentary to it at the end a couple times a month.  So here it here is the first one...

From June 29, 2008
Is it unavoidable for the D/s to fade or become sporadic in a long-term D/s relationship?

I think it is a common misunderstanding that the D/s is fading. But to me once you get to know each other and the honeymoon periods ends --- we are actually in the real state of the relationship. And I think we tend to forget to enjoy that state. We just keep thinking back on the honeymoon period and saying why can't it be like that. When in reality, that wasn't the real state of how things would be long term. So D/s isn't fading. The new relationship energy and honeymoon period is fading and real life is left in its place.

The power dynamic we have was set in place is still there. It is there even more to me now. I see myself as slave more now then I did at that time. Because now I feel I serve him more. Those early days he had to have much more focus on me and attention to train me and also just because I was a needy girl. Now he doesn't.

I think sometimes maybe we are more comfortable with the struggles and excitement that happens in the beginning of the relationship then the just everyday-ness that life has to it. It took a while for me to be grateful for the everyday ordinary quality my life has to it - when I was so used to the chaos of my life before Master. And I have learned to appreciate that I am owned, serve an amazing man and get peace from that.


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July 31, 2013:  Master and I have been together for 10 years and in that 10 years the base of our relationship - Owner/property dynamic hasn't faded. It has changed of course, but not faded.

Recently someone asked me if we play as much as we did when we were first together.  Truthfully no.  Not sure I think it is because anything faded more so, as I said above, we just have everyday-ness going on.  We tend to go in spurts around how busy Master's business. Such as if we are really busy - we really have hardly anytime to even breath.  But when we have a little down time we play.   I will say sex always includes some play, but when people ask me about play - I guess I think more in terms of scening.

I know our play has grown into a much better place than it was at the beginning -  as our connection just gets better each year we are together.  We played recently and it was beautiful and intense.  It included everything we love from slapping, breath play, spanking, the braided flogger, hoods, punching and several other favorites. We both loved it and it left us energized even now 4 days later.  Also left little moments of lingering SM too.  A look and we both know what each other is thinking about.  Him grabbing my wrist in public and bringing me close - how his fingers feel digging in and again a knowing.  Grabbing my hair when we are laying in bed.  Again those moments to me are amazing.

I guess what I would want someone to know is does it really matter?  If it does - if play is one of your top qualities, you will want  to be in a relationship that it is important.  So be clear about that when looking for a partner. Find someone who wants the same. But I will say - people change.  Master and I thought about play being a big part our relationship in the beginning, but we have changed and I would gladly pass up playing everyday for the connection we have now when we do play it means so much more to me now. 

Titles

I don't call most Dominants Sir or any other title.  Master is the only one that gets the Master title as he owns me...he is my Master. I do have a few close friends that I may call Sir or Ma'am because I feel that with them. It flows out naturally with them, but here is the catch: I have asked everyone of them before calling them a title.

My reasons for not calling D-types by a title...

First by calling someone a title you are having them engage in your kink or fetish without their consent. So if at a party you are calling all dominants Sir and Ma'am without asking you might have violated boundaries and you were acting without their consent. When we are a community that touts consent all the time, seems very odd to me that we would use titles without consent.

Master and I are pretty high protocol in our daily life. But when we are out in the BDSM community, we don't often use it overtly because that would be pushing it on them without their consent.  We don't require that anyone to write Master first before friending me on FetLife, we don't require anyone asking before they give me a hug, and so on - of course it is nice when people do, but we don't require that because that is making someone engage in our kink and we didn't ask for their consent.

Next some people really hate the words Sir and Ma'am. I have a friend that grew up in a military family and she now hates using the words Sir and Ma'am as she was taught to as a kid.  She is dominant and would prefer other titles instead of Sir or Ma'am be used with her, but you would never know that until you ask.

Finally, for me, it feels like you are giving that Dominant the right to control or have authority over you when using a title.  You are submitting to them by calling them by a title. Because it is saying we have a dynamic that shows a D/s relationship by using that title.

I get that some people were raised saying Sir or Ma'am, but to me that is different. It is very rare when I separate BDSM and vanilla lifestyles. In this case, they are different.  A person raised saying Sir and Ma'am - sounds different from using a title in a BDSM setting.

I will say sometimes I get that kink or fetish used in a wider range of people is fun. We can be ourselves within the kinky community, but asking first is polite. Example:  In a past relationship, my Owner wanted to be in a higher form of protocol and to create a mindset of being an object  with me for a play party we were hosting. Part of his wishes he wanted me to Sir and Ma'am all dominants, so he emailed everyone attending and asked if this was okay with them and explained what he wanted to within the evening.  He didn't want others to have to engage in our kink if they weren't comfortable with it.  I had a lot of other protocols for the evening so he explained what he was going to do and how I was going to behave and made sure everyone was okay with it before the party.  It ended up being an extremely interesting evening and I am thankful for those that participated in it with us.  But again we asked first.

BDSM is about consent so please don't think just because you are okay with a kink that someone next to you will be.

I wrote about title and honorifics for a newsletter and our website in 2005. You can read it here: Titles and Honorifics

30 Days of Kink - Day 24

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

I am sure I am missing some, but I think these are the biggies. 

Compatibility - in BDSM and kinky things as well as vanilla and everyday qualities such as did we enjoy some of the same hobbies, political beliefs, long term goals, views on religion and so on.  

Self-awareness - someone being self-aware is a good quality to me as it just seems to go smoother in a relationship because a person who is self-aware knows what they want and who they are and are steady and not so drama filled or chaotic with feelings/thoughts.

Chemistry- just everyday chemistry as well as sexual too.  Such as being able to laugh at the same thing, get each others jokes. 

 Honesty -  Being in relationships that haven't been honest,  it was one of the things that was really important to me.  

Sense of Humor -  I like a man that can make me laugh. Master has a great sense of humor. We laugh a lot in our relationship so thankful for that.  

Communication - having open communication and just knowing how to communicate is important to me.  I know some people can get very passive/aggressive in their communication styles and that just doesn't really work well for me so I wanted someone that wanted clear open discussion and communication and thankful Master places communication high on his list of qualities he sought too.

 M/s - O/p beliefs - since this is the kind of dynamic I sought out - I wanted to have someone who had similar beliefs as O/p is the foundation for our relationship
 

The previous 30 Days of Kink entries.

Service when Sick

I  would like to say I feel my warranty on my body went out in the last few years so Master has seen a drop in my service significantly. I have chronic migraines and have since I was 12 years old so he has seen those since the day I became his. But a few years ago I started having a lot of pain shooting down my back and leg. I have 2 vertebra pinching a nerve, degenerative disc disorder and have arthritis starting too. I also have chronic depression that ranges from mild to severe.

When I was first with Master, I totally felt guilty and apologized all the time. I pushed myself more than I should have at times too. But I do think it does more harm for my mental and emotional well being to get in the mode of thinking - feeling guilty. It keeps me there longer. It brings me down. Also if I push myself to do more, then physically I can stay in pain longer because I pushed myself.

So now I think I try to focus on what I did do - even if it is one thing. A day that I can do some laundry and dishes when my body is full of pain and/or my head is pounding then I am thankful for those things. Thankful I was able to serve him even in that way. Again even if it was just one thing - maybe making dinner is it and I am thankful for that.

I sometimes see the frustration in him that things aren't how he wants.  But at the same time he wants me to take care of me the best way I can. But it is hard not to feel guilty when I do know he is missing things I do for him.  It makes me feel like I am not good enough so then I feel guilty and apologize.  Though in recent years I do get myself out of that line of thinking faster and give myself a kick in the pants and remember to serve in any way I can in that moment...even if it means resting and healing myself.  He would rather have me take care of me and get better faster than prolong it.

30 Days of Kink - Day 23

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed?  How so?

Yes, of course.  When I was first exploring, I had quite a few things I thought I would never ever do or enjoy - such as golden showers. Never thought I would like them and never thought they would feel as they did - so thankful I took that leap of faith and submitted to doing it.  I never thought I would be into hoods and now I love them! Damn they turn me on. Really slipping a hood on pretty much sends me into a floaty space instantly. Thankful Master introduced me to them and that I enjoy them so much as they are one of his favorite kinks.

I think that early on in the exploring BDSM - I bought into a lot of the bdsm slogans and topics that came up.  Such as I was a firm believer in safe words early on, but now believe often good old fashioned communication is better.   I have been in situations where safewords and safe calls didn't protect me from someone that wanted to cross my boundaries. 

I have actually a couple essays out there that I don't totally agree with such as who is about.  I wrote that once long ago because it annoyed me that a dominant I knew often said it at times that really didn't call for it.  My end all in my relationship  though - it is about Master always. My first and last thoughts are always of Master and what he wants and desires. So that phrase works for this, but as I know I kind of go into in the essay - if it is only about one person always - that relationship won't last. Because if I wasn't happy and/or wasn't getting needs met, I wouldn't be here.  So it does need to be about both people. But I get that phrase different because of Master. 

Collars is another essay I wrote that I don't actually believe in many things in it. Like I don't believe in a collar of protection or a collar of consideration.  I feel sometimes again we complicate things and use those kind of titles or use it to hide behind it.  I think collar of protection often takes personal responsibility away from the submissive and that I don't like or get that.  I think sometimes we need to stand up and be responsible before we can surrender fully.    

In both of those essays, I notice I use the word power exchange in them. I don't even believe in those words anymore as I don't feel with Master I am exchanging power. I am surrendering to this will.  I don't have the power in this relationship, so how can I exchange power.

I know there are probably dozens of topics that my views have changed about over the years.  We are  human - we grow, change and evolve.  I am glad to see some things have changed over the years. It would be a fairly boring life I live if I didn't have things that changed.
 

The previous 30 Days of Kink entries.

Venturing out into the BDSM Community

I miss my Ohio BDSM community. It was made up of several amazing groups with diverse group of people and kinks. It wasn't always a perfect match for me, but really it can't be - it has to be about being around like-minded people and welcoming everyone.  I think the 2 groups I was mainly involved with always did a really good job of being inclusive to everyone.  From those groups, I formed an amazing circle of friends that I miss FIERCELY.  

The Ohio BDSM community recently went through some changes and that always kind of causes issues and growing pains.  Over the years I have seen just about every group/community go through changes and growing pains.  We as people change and evolve so why wouldn't a community grow and evolve too. 

In thinking about the Ohio groups, I had some very fond memories come up. I was talking to Master last night about my very first time I ventured out into the community.  I was a slave in a poly household. But at that moment I was the only one living with my Owner.  It was a very brief time of being alone with him and being alone without lots of people in and out of the house. So frankly - I got lonely and found someone bondage.com - a very nice woman who was submissive. She told me about Ohio SMART and that they had a submissive group that met once a month. So for my first venture into the community I went to a submissive meeting.

It was an interesting experience. I am so glad I did it. But it was a little odd for me at first. I was the only submissive in the group that identified as slave and lived it 24/7.

As a slave, I sometimes have different protocols then other submissives and bottoms around me. Such as that first meeting, they had a dominant coming to give a spanking demo. No where in the description of the evening did it say anything about that, when the leader contacted me when I RSVP'd never mentioned it - the description and her email only talked about about submissive women getting together to discuss BDSM topics.  So, I had no idea a male dominant was going to be there.  When it was announced he would be there soon, I said that I would need to leave and everyone asked why and so I told them. I said that I didn't know a male dominant would be there and didn't inform my Master. Really at first they had a hard time understanding it because they hadn't been around anyone in a Master/slave dynamic.  A girl there offered me her cell phone to call my Master (in the day and age where cell phones were just coming out) and ask  - so I did.  He allowed me to stay just not participate.  

It was interesting that after that meeting, they only had a few more with dominant's come to demo and always told me before hand. They had never given it thought before that it might go against what some relationship protocols and thankfully took that into account after meeting me.

My first time speaking was because of being involved with Ohio SMART. I am a HORRIBLE public speaker. Honestly horrible! But I remember that fondly as one woman came up to me after. She looked straight into my eyes and said, "I get it. I get you."  We were fast friends and I have so many amazing memories that include her. 

It is my hope that one day, because our local community growing, I will have many fond memories with friend made through it.  I know I am already really having some good ones.  Very thankful for the growing community and friends made through it!

Intro

Recently I have had to do introduction several times as Master and I have been venturing out in our local BDSM community as it is growing.

So thought I would share a little longer version of it here too...

I am danae. I am in a Master/slave relationship and have been owned by Master for 10 years. I am wired for service and obedience. I am bisexual, masochistic, sexually submissive and poly. I have been kinky since the first time I became sexually active at 16. The first boy I had sex with we played with spanking and him tying me up and then eventually had sex with while tied up. From there each of my intimate relationships had some kind of D/s dynamic and kink in them, but not the words for what we were doing.

When I was 27 and married, I explored online for some information on anal sex, but happened upon a bulletin board on AOL for submissive women.  I read many threads and felt my head nodding along with many things said.  I then told my husband about it and BDSM. I explained that many things we did in our relationship resembled BDSM in and out of the bedroom.  As soon as I named it though - things went downhill.  He developed guilt for beating me - spanking, slapping, grabbing or anything we did before all of sudden became very sinful and wrong to him.

My husband and I had problems before I named this dynamic that we developed in our years of being married. Eventually those problems, some issues I had, and the problems of him feeling like I was a freak for being submissive became too big to ignore, so I left.

I moved to Ohio from Kansas in with a poly household and became a slave to the Master of the household. My time in the household was hard, but a learning experience. I was active in the Ohio BDSM community and out to almost everyone there. It was very hard moving here - to a smaller town without much of a community, but it was so worth it to serve Master. 

Master and I met through a mutual friend. She gave him my name as she thought we might be well matched. He contacted me and pretty much from that first email - I was falling.  So thankful to our friend for realizing we would be a good match.  It has been an amazing journey, I have taken with him.

I am a long time blogger - blogging about my life and thoughts/beliefs of the lifestyle. I also have a group on FetLife devoted to Domestic Servitude and a blog that goes with it.