Help Please - 10 Minute writings

I have a friend that has started 10 minute writings. Sometimes it is just stream of consciousness and other times she uses a prompt. And then she just writes on that subject for 10 minutes. I want help in creating a list of prompts to help me write here....so would you please leave a comment or email me (danaewhispering@yahoo.com) with a topic you would like me to write about. It can be anything from one word prompt to a question or statement. I don't guarantee I will write about it but I usually pretty open to anything.

I know one thing that has stopped me from writing is because at times some subjects seem like subjects I have written about a lot. So it makes me hold back but recently it was pointed out to me that people who are new to my blog or at least haven't read all 9 years of it (those that do oh my you need cookies or cake or something special!) and so haven't read those topics I feel I have written about millions of times. Okay I know not millions but sometimes it feels that way! :)

So please feel free to use any subject or question - even those you think I might have wrote about before because who knows my answer might have changed or maybe it just something you want to know about because you didn't read it the first 10 times (and I don't blame you).

Thank you in advance!

ps: I also have comments screened over at LJ and set it to public and to allow anonymous comments. Screening over at LJ means that only you and I can see them. So when you post it and it gives you a little message that says it is screened and then you can see it. And I can see it and that is all. And you can be anonymous if you prefer.

7 Year Collarversary

Today marks 7 years as Master's property. I don't have words for it so I will simply say I am very happy to be His. Thank you Master!

Please Support 2009 International Ms. Bootblack

There is a wonderful woman in the community named Pony. She is title holder for 2009's International Ms. Bootblack and just like other title holders, one of the things that comes with your title is to go to events and make appearance to represent her title.

Pony is also an ordained minister. This past November the church was made aware of her title as International Ms. Bootblack so was let go. Because of this, not only is she out of a job, but she has obviously lost the means to go to events and proudly promote her title.

We all can relate to having to hide in our dungeons and remain anonymous for fear of getting "caught." Wherein the basis of Ms. Bootblack and those that represent the community is to promote freedom of expression in our sexuality, we shouldn't have to be ashamed for what we are and when you read or hear Pony's words, you feel the emotion about how important it is to be out and proud of who we are. Her courageousness to confront this instead of hiding is the reason why I feel that more than ever, we as a community should throw our support for someone who is certainly deserving and proud of the title she honors.

Therefore, I'm asking for you, if you can - to give a little (or a lot) to help Pony deliver her important message at events from coast to coast. If everybody pitches in even just a little - then not only is it going for a good cause, but it also becomes as a victory against those who would rather find flaws in us than substance that binds us. Help us get Pony going!

From 2009 to 2010

Happy New Year! It is hard to believe it is in 2010. Usually I am one to really self-examine the outgoing year but I am not feeling like it at the moment. I have been so busy since Thanksgiving that I didn't get to do most of the things I do for the holidays so I am feeling kind of off entering the new year. 2009 of course had many good things but it was a hard year because of health and economy. I know 2010 will be better. And glad it is here.

I started rereading Eat Pray Love just before Christmas and am taking my time with it....savoring it. It is what I need right now - it has been my solace during this busy time. And also for ringing in the New Year.

Christmas was at Master's parents. It was a nice day with family. I didn't get to bake as much so my tray was smaller for Christmas day. But one thing I set out that I also made as gifts this year was a hit...."Gourmet" Popcorn....I made butterscotch, chocolate peanut and then a zesty popcorn mix with pretzels. And with all of them I have had really good feedback on such as "you can make more of that for me anytime."

For gifts this year I made bath fizzies, bath soaks, bath cookies (that looked like real cookies), hand-stamped kitchen towels and then the gourmet popcorn (all of which I will posting about over on domestic in the next few months). And as always treat trays. This year at an after Christmas sale at Target, I got quite a few melamine Christmas plates so that I can give treats on them next year.

Not much else to say....just busy working on a website.

I hope everyone has a 2010 full of good health and love and of course kinky sex!

Sit on Santa's Lap

I know most people have seen it but I am just making sure you have entered the Sit on Santa's Lap at FetLife. The last day to enter is January 4th, 2010 so you want to get over to FetLife and enter before then!

Humiliation - Part 3 of 3

Recently I was chatting with someone about humiliation. About it being a fine line.

With MS, the humiliation hit levels I hadn't had before (a partner I had right before Master). It was amazing. But can that be maintained and I still have a healthy outlook of myself? He and I discussed that as I said in another post. And we really didn't think so but it didn't stop us from fantasizing about it and desiring it. But as I expressed in that post, he and I got to the point where the play made me scared. I would get very nervous just going to him - as soon as I crossed his threshold and he started in - I was a puddle of goo. Still scared but it was a fear that turns me on. The fear I had before I hit his door - didn't turn me on it made me want to turn around and run. But it was fear.

So humiliation with Master is a finer line then it was with MS. An extremely fine line. I love Master and the things he says to me - I believe them in whole new ways. I believed it with MS too, but when I walked out the door - I was my own person. I could pull myself back together between our play because I had time away from him. So it was almost like I could pull the masks on again and pretend when I was with him.  With Master, he owns me and I am here serving him all day everyday so if he were come up to me while I was washing dishes and shove me to the ground and call me a fat cunt - it 8 times out of 10 going to make me cry. It might even be in a way that doesn't turn me on and that rattles around in my head. But he has the right to say it. It might not turn me on in the moment. When I go bring him that cup of coffee an hour later, I might start crying again.  Three hours later when I serve him lunch, I will again probably start crying. Because I can't put myself back together. When I finally get to the point in my brain of needing to accept it - then my body will react and become wet. When I give in to believing it. 

When he uses it during sex, calling me dirty whore with a stretched out cunt from having strangers dicks in it - I will melt into a puddle of goo. After I can often walk away without any hurt feeling lingering, because when sex is mixed in I accept it faster. Even him calling me fat during sex - I can walk away without lingering feeling. (When I say sex - sex for us is SM with sex - never just sex.) So when sex is mixed in my brain seems to accept those core beliefs I have about myself that he says to me.

But then add in where it is more of what the lifestyle would call a scene where it lasts for longer then sex....

Such as Master might get up in the morning pull me out of bed, put a hood on me, and shove me in the closet. Throughout the day he will pull me out - used me, called me names, make me do humiliating things, beat me, have me make him lunch,  and so on and so forth....that it harder for me to recover from too - even though I will go through a whole range of emotions - self-pity, happiness, anxiety, excitement, doubts, horny, fear, anger, and so many other emotions. It will touch on my emotional masochist buttons that needs to suffer and feel pain. I get turned on by that. It will hit other buttons that I don't get turned on - such as doubt if I can really do this for him bend, obey, suffer...and so on. After the hours, a day or days of being like that...I come out sometimes turned on and sometimes another emotion that isn't a good one. Recovering from it - can go from good to bad. It is a fine line.

Add into it another complex fact, no matter if they are good or bad emotions as an end result, 2 days later or a week later - I am masturbating to it. It turns me on after the fact. That I attribute to my emotional masochism. I like that thought that I hurt in bad ways as it hits the emotional masochism buttons in me. I will replay and talk about it lots because it hurt me. It is the weirdest thing to me to be so turned on later by something I hated in the moment. The same thing can go to when I was gang raped, I get turned on thinking about it a lot of the time. I get turned on by many of the things Don did to me even though I wouldn't completely say they were consensual. Sometimes it bothers me that it turns me on, but most of the time I just go with it and know I am a sexual being who is an emotional masochist, who needs humiliation, fear, and pain. Period.

But if I am breaking into tears every 5 minutes it effects my service to Master so it is double edged sword. We both love humiliating and objectification, but neither of us like it interfering with my service to him. So at times Master plays there carefully and not daily. Although we would both like to explore it more.

If anyone has questions, please feel free to ask. I am always open to them.


Part 1 - Part 2 and then another post that I talk about humiliation.

Humiliation - Part 2 of 3

Questions....
Someone asked me if it takes the sting out of the words in vanilla world/context...

No it doesn't. If someone in Wal-mart were to come up to me and call me fat, I would be very upset - not only hurt but pissed off. I wouldn't be groveling back for more to that person as I often do in a D/s - SM context.

"Do you see humiliation and degradation as a form of emotional masochism? Is it that you enjoy feeling that awful emotional pain, and crave that?"

For me humiliation and degradation go hand and hand with emotional masochism because that is where my humiliation/degradation buttons are....being called worthless or fat is humiliating and also hits a place of emotional pain. I do crave and have strong desires to feel that awful pain of the words tearing into me. I like hearing those things that tear me down. It turns me on.

"How is it a hot experience for you, and not something that emotionally scars you?" With Don - someone I was with when I was 18 - it emotionally harmed me. And I do think that some of my love of emotional masochism comes from my experiences with him. I was very timid and felt horrible things about myself after Don. But I think of those times now - and even in the moment of then - I was very turned on. I think it is intention of the other person that can leave me a mess verses hot. But even if I come out on the other side emotionally messed up....it doesn't mean that it isn't hot for me still. I will get into that in the next post more. I just know that even when those things that have broken me to the point of long term repair needed - I still get turned on. I can think about the things Don did to me and feel all sorts of emotions but I am ready to go masturbate about it right now. As I said in my last post - it is a complex contradiction.

Humiliation - Part 1 of 3

I have started and deleted probably about 20 posts on humiliation. I have owed a post to a group of people on LJ for months and months (since June just went and looked). It is the number one question I get asked to blog about also.

I really get turned on by humiliation. I like to feel that hitting my core and hurting me. It turns me on. Why...? I am not sure exactly. And I am not sure I want to know why always either. But it is the question I get the most often - why do I like humiliation?

It is a complex contradiction for me. Using this example....I was an escort who men paid money to be with - it was a big boost to self-image. They would pay money just to be with me. I felt sexy and very desired doing that. I know how Master feels about me and when others express their attraction, I believe it. It embarrasses me. But my point is I believe it...I know some find me desirable. I confident I know how to turn someone on. Again I did get paid to do that. :)

So I can say all that and mean it and believe it...

BUT...

On the other hand I know I am fat. I see the stretch marks and hear the things in my head that say... "you are not desirable. You are fat. You are not sexy - You are fat." I can even twist the escorting things around saying they wanted to see what it was like to be with a big girl...(although I know that isn't true for many of my repeat customers but I can still twist it.) And I can go on and on with the the negatives. And I believe those too.

I believe the good but at the core there are those other things whispered sometimes loudly. And so it is a complex contradiction that makes up me.

So why do I like to have those negatives used against me....

For one I think it is like the person who is saying them can honestly see me and still is here with me. He can admit those dark things said inside me and use it against me - but he isn't walking away because I am fat. It is like that person is seeing the core. We have the good the bad and the ugly and he see the ugly. The parts I don't show to anyone.

Next I am an emotional masochist. I like to suffer and although I like the physical sensation of suffering - I like it often combined with the emotional pain too. I like to be brought to tears and hear and believe the things being said. It is like it is being torn from inside me and pushed in my face to see. It allows me to take those things I think and feel on the inside and see them almost differently or not really differently but out in the light instead of the dark. It lets me at times let go of the things being said. Makes them not so big or bad. Other times it doesn't though - they stay right where they are at - the same feelings and thoughts I have had for a long time and will keep on feeling and thinking them. And all the while I am crying and my feelings are hurt and the ugliness of the words are in my face....I am turned on. I so want to be pushed on my knees and suck his cock or pushed on to my knees and feel my body slamming into that mattress as I am fucked.

I am this way...I don't know if it has to do with my trauma's from my childhood or with Don (a relationship I was in when I was 18 that was heavy SM). I just know it turns me on. And there is a fine line but I am willing to walk it.

Splitting this into 3 posts - next post answering some questions and third post going into walking of fine line of humiliation.

don't go out alone + life update

I don't go anywhere without Master. Now I didn't think most of our vanilla friends really knew that or understood it. I guess I didn't think it was so obvious or so apparent. But something happened that kind of brought home to me that they do notice/know....I was walking out of the post office towards the parked car with Master waiting for me. A friend of ours was coming down the street towards me. He immediately looked for where Master was...knew he must be parked near. And then when we neared he said, "I was going to grab you and see how long it took M to get here but then noticed he was closer then I thought."

I know it is a small thing that probably most wouldn't even notice but I noticed it. I noticed how he looked around for Master and the exchange about grabbing me. He obviously knew I don't go anywhere without Master. And I guess I just didn't know that people were aware of it.

Little update also...
I have been really busy with Thanksgiving, Master's parents were here last weekend and now this week we leave to go to the other side of the state. When we get back I am behind I will be swamped as I am so behind on holiday preparations - getting cards out, presents done and mailed. Our tree isn't even up and won't be until probably Sunday or Monday. That is really late for us.

I am trying to keep Domestic Servitude updated with some holiday gift ideas, recipes and such too.

So as always - making excuses why I am not here posting more. And as always I wish I could as I do miss it often.

Disappointing Him

Kaya made a post about a thread on FetLife and being devastated when you disappoint your Master.

I get that moment of feeling upset that I disappointed him. But I am not devastated. Mostly I am really pissed and disappointed in myself. I beat up on myself for not keeping on top of things. And then I try to move on and just try to do better next time.

When he tells me he is upset with me on something I don't understand at all...then I get frustrated or annoyed. In the end it doesn't matter what I feel though - just as long as I obey. (Not that it doesn't matter what I feel but obeying is always first.)

Not to long ago he got mad at me for not just going and getting him what he asked for right away. I had stopped to ask for clarification as there are 2 of the thing he asked for so I was asking which one he wanted. And he got mad. But internally I was saying it is a reasonable question...but externally I just nodded and said, "yes Master" and went and fetched him what he asked for. I was thankful I was able to keep my mouth shut as it was one of those moments I know if I would have said anything more he would have been more pissed.

So in those type of situations when he says he is disappointed, I mostly say "I am sorry Master" and move on but internally I don't "get it" and it is harder to accept - I just think okay this is what he wants so I will do it. Usually later I will bring it up to him when he isn't pissed. And often he hasn't changed his mind. He still wishes I would have just went and grabbed one - he didn't care which one. And as he says that internally of course I am going would it have been so hard to say "either one." And I would have been quickly on my way to get it. But in the end it doesn't matter - he did what he wanted and expressed what he wanted - and my job is to obey. I disappointed him and like kaya mentioned in her post, can't go back in time to fix it, but next time I know I will just go get whatever it is he wanted. And that one time I bring him the item and he says he wanted the other. I will just go and get the other. Because it is his rules and he can change them as he goes. And he often does. It is my job to obey him.


PS: We are going out town and I have had several people email me the last week - and so just letting you know I won't be getting back to you until next week.

Freshly....

I am sitting here a little fuzzy. Fuzzy is good! Well this kind of fuzzy at least! Master came into my studio earlier with his hard cock hanging out of his underwear. Of course that got my attention. He came to see what I was doing - let me finish that. And then grabbed me by the hair and pushed my mouth down to his cock. After just a few moments of sucks and licks, he was dragging me off to the bedroom.

He stopped me in the living room and pulled my shirt off before having me hold my hands behind my neck while he pulled the rest of my clothes off. And then marched me to the bedroom where he proceeded to use me in such delicious ways.....lots of holding my head to down on his cock to that I would choke, pulling my hair, squeezing my throat, slapping, punching, grabbing and squeezing various bits with fingers digging into my flesh and then rinse and repeat. After giving him a blow job, he smear his cum on my face and then pushed me on to my back spread my legs and grabbed, pulled, twisted with fingers digging into my cunt. He would touch soft and tenderly and then suddenly my cunt would be on fire from the pain searing through it as he tortured me. I of course didn't come when he was touching my softly....no no no...I came when he was hurting the hell out of me.

When I got up, I had that freshly fucked look down pretty good. Hair wildly going every way, hanging in my eyes, sticking to my face where it had dried in the cum....oh yes...freshly fucked indeed.

Thank you Violet Blue

I am terribly flattered that Violet Blue has visited my tumblr and recommended it to her readers. If you don't know her, please go check out her blog. She is one of those people that I am sure if I ever met I would be doing a fangirl squee as she is a notorious sex educator that I have read and admired for years.

As she said on the post about my tumblr, I do try to credit. If you find an image there that isn't credited and you recognize, please feel free to let me know by emailing me at danaewhispering@yahoo.com. I do really want to promote and recognize the talented people who turn me on! Also if you find an image that is yours and you don't want it posted here, please feel free to email me - I will take it down as soon as I get your email.

So thank you Violet Blue for recommending my tumblr and welcome to all the visitors she has sent my way...to my blog and my tumblr.

Teased and Tormented

I was having a conversation with a good friend recently about how it turns me on to see Master masturbate and not be able to touch him. He has several times put me in the cage and then masturbated on the bed. So I could see him but I couldn't reach him. I have a vivid memory of this one time...after he had beat me and slapped me until I was a fuzzy mess he did that. I was of course at that point so dripping wet from the pain and wanting to feel him fuck me hard but instead he roughly pulled me off the bed and shoved me in the cage. And then he laid on the bed and masturbated. It was agony mixed with pleasure. I wanted so badly to touch him and feel him in my mouth or cunt but the sounds he was making and just watching his hand wrapped around his hard cock....was making me moan with pleasure. I really don't like to beg but I know I was begging at that point to touch and suck him. But he let me moan and drip. When he had his orgasm, he came over and wiped his cum all over my face and tits. Didn't even get to taste. It was HOT. Just thinking about it now makes me breath hard.

So the other day Master had an afternoon appointment but right before it he took me to the bedroom and put the pvc open mouth hood on me and had me get busy with his balls while he masturbated. It turned me on to hear him...the sound of his hand on his cock. The noises he makes. The smell...of sex. And although I was touching him - still felt like I was being teased and denied...tormented. After Master orgasmed, he got up and took a shower and told me to masturbate. It just felt very much like an object. I wasn't necessary for his pleasure but just added when he feels like using me for his pleasure. Like an after-thought.

The conversation with my friend came about as she mentioned she would like to watch Master and I have sex and I told her no no no....that my fantasy was to be tied to a chair or locked in the closet or cage while he had sex with her. To watch and be teased and tormented by watching them.

I posted a picture on my tumblr recently and wrote about the memory that came with it....basically it is a girl tied up outside a door. And it reminded me of when I was in the poly household and he restrained me. And then went into the bedroom and played and had sex with another one of his slaves I could hear them while I laid on the floor outside the door. It was very erotic not moving and not seeing but only hearing them. When they came out, they walked past me like I wasn't even there.

It has been an ongoing fantasy I play over and over again in my head with Master....of him fucking another. Sometimes I am in the room sometimes I am not. Sometimes I don't know about it until after. And any way I come up with it....it turns me on. It teases and torments me....physically but I can't wait to feel it emotionally too. I know it will feel different with Master.

Daily Om - Actions

I like Daily Om's not only for just my spiritual growth and well-being but also how I can relate them back to my service. I think this Daily Om is one of those that works well for my service. Italicizing the part that really stood out for me.

Considering Others
Reaffirming Our Integrity

Every thought we think and every action we take has an effect on the world around us. To be aware of this is to be conscious of our impact on the people in our lives. Sometimes we just want to do what we want to do, but considering the full ramifications of our actions can be an important part of our spiritual growth and awareness. At first, being more conscious requires effort, but once we have made it a habit, it becomes second nature. The more we practice this awareness of others, the more we find ourselves in easy alignment with our integrity.

Our thoughts are an important place to begin this practice because our thoughts are the seeds of our actions. It is not necessary or beneficial to obsessively monitor all our thoughts, but we can perhaps choose one thought or action per day and simply notice if we are in alignment with this experience of integrity. For example, we may find ourselves replaying a negative encounter with someone in our minds. We may think that this doesn’t affect the person about whom we are thinking, but the laws of energy tell us that it does. When we hold someone negatively in our minds, we risk trapping them in negativity. If we were this person, we might wish for forgiveness and release. We can offer this by simply letting go of the negative thought and replacing it with a wish for healing on that person’s behalf.

With regard to our actions, we may have something difficult to express to someone. Taking the time to consider how we would feel if we were in his or her shoes will enable us to communicate more sensitively than we would if we just expressed ourselves from our own perspective. When we modify our approach by taking someone else’s feelings into account, we bring benefit to that person and ourselves equally. The more we do this, the more we reaffirm our integrity and the integrity of our relationship to the world.

When I was first learning to please Master and put him first, I often did the task above where I took one thing to focus on. Such as just trying to be aware of his drink and if it was filled. And simply being aware of it and doing it. Because sometimes I got overwhelmed with it all so just focusing on one thing helped me slow down. Eventually that spread out to each task and it became habit.

9 Years of Blogging

It has been 9 years of blogging for me! Wow! I am not sure I ever thought I would blog this long. I know my posts have become less and less over the years but I still glad I have this place. And I hope to continue to post for a long time to come.

I am thankful for everyone that reads. Thank you for the emails, comments and such. Thank you for sticking with me all this time!

And I am going to end with my traditional piece from
The Velveteen Rabbit:
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.

"When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt...It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."