Friday.......
Was pretty relaxing for all that has went on in the past couple of days. Honey let me sleep in and took Kam to work. :) That was sooo nice of her. I never get a day off. I do on weekends but not really because I am always working on weekends. Anyway then she came home and we kind of hung out here for a while and then I went shopping and met Moni for lunch. I wanted Honey and Moni to meet and they liked each other. I knew they would. We then went to a private play party tonight. Honey had never really been to one so it was cool that she could go. She was beat and I just watched. I called Sir while at the party as I felt he might worry about me if he did not get a call or email. And I felt he was upset I was at a play party without him. I had no desire to play with anyone but him. The other night Honey, Di, Todd, Sir and I were at TGIF's and Honey was talking to Todd and I was sitting on a bench out in front of TGIF and Sir was standing on the sidewalk talking to me. And I had the greatest/strongest urges to kneel for him. I told him that right at moment. Because he makes me feel submissive. It dawned on me at that moment also that I had never kneeled for Todd. I am not sure I ever felt that desire. I wanted to please Todd ALWAYS! And I do with Sir too but kneeling, giving myself in that way....a submissive way....I never felt Todd. I was compelled to be a different kind of submissive and I guess I felt it was the next level I was wanting.
Today Kam and I had a talk that we had a few weeks ago but it did not quite sink in. And he took it hard. And I knew he would..but it is different right now. I did not tell about Todd until today. I wanted him to see that I could handle it on my own. He told me I am doing really good considering how I feel about Todd. I am doing good. I am very proud of myself.
I was worried about that I had not cried. But Honey pointed out something I have been crying a lot in the last 2 weeks. I had my tears of grieving for the last 2 weeks. That might be true.
I look at the bruise on my breast (which is still there even though it is a week old). I think of our last night together. You never know it is the last time. And our last time was........sooooo intense. It scared him. It scared me but for different reasons. He left so fast. I know that the things he did to me scared him. He was scared that he enjoyed them. Scared that they turned him on as much as they did. I begged him to hurt me. I *needed* the pain. I needed it so much. I had craved it and my body was on fire from need. It was not a want at that point....it was a raw need. Those times scare me - sometimes other times I am very accepting that my body/mind is telling me something and just go with it.
So much is rolling around in my head right now.
Honey leaves in a few hours. Kam and I have some rough times ahead as we make more of separate lives. I love him and always will. He has done good things for me and bad things. But most importantly I am here today because of him. That is a good thing :)
Things with Sir.....I am not quite sure where they stand. I mean I never let go of him...I couldn't. And when I talk about him to people they see how I feel about him. And then I *want* to be friends with Todd - go figure.
Todd had me writing in my blogger - updating it at least once a week and then every Friday posting something that I learned about myself.
When I wrote the blogger on Friday morning. I thought of adding that section but did not want too...but I do.....
So I learned this week I am wanting to keep this section of my blogger for me instead of Todd. I learned that I worth a lot. I learned I am worth loving. I learned I am submissive :) I learned that I love easily. I learned that part of me still feels there is something I need to learn from Todd. I learned that I have good friends (knew that always but appreciate them all even more right at this moment), I learned that I want to have a life with it all. I want to be in a long term committed relationship with love and D/s. I learned that I am right A LOT lol I learned I miss Jim very much.
peace,
danae
Saturday, June 16, 2001
Friday, June 15, 2001
Friends....
I am very lucky to have the friends I do.
I have always had lots of friends. I am a social person and like doing things with friends but more importantly I like friends to be able to a "friend" to. To have people in my life that I care for and they care for me. To know that they can call me and I will be there for them and they will be here for me. In Ohio I have a group of friends that are the best friends I could ever have asked for. They are the type of friends you can call at 3am in the morning and say I need you and they would be there.
I remember when I first told Todd that he said want to test that theory. I do not think he believed I had friends like that because he did not. I have friends across the country that would be here for me if I need them. Friends in different countries *smiles thinking of her beautiful honey*
I am glad Honey was here this week.
All things for a reason lol
Okay off topic because of course my mind is floating all over....
Last night Todd kept asking me why I canceled my appointment I had set up for 6pm. And I am sitting here today shaking my head why the hell would he not think I would have. I knew on Wednesday night when I got in my car that he wanted to just be friends. And I want more. Todd needs friends. So I guess I will be his friend if he wants me to be.
I told him once I had lots of friends I did not need more and he said, "must be nice." That is all he said even though he will disagree with that but those that know me know when I focus I remember EVERYTHING. It drives Kam nuts lol I have not always focused on Todd and our conversations so I don't remember all of them but I do that one because it was an important one and I was focusing.
So why would I want to be in an appointment when I knew he was "breaking up" with me so to speak. I mean it was pretty hard just to do all the things I needed to yesterday because I knew what was going to happen. I told Honey to tell him he and should talk in private and she did. And yet he picked a public place. And then I wanted Honey there when he told me. I had reasons for that one. And he said he wanted to be alone. I know why he wanted to be alone.
Oh right now I am sure he would say you are making lots of assumptions. :)
I am.
He told me the other night I always have to be right. I don't but I am. It is just a fact. I am right more times then I am wrong. I roll things around in my head and find the possible reasons and then something shows me the real reason. Sometimes I do not listen to it though that is a downfall. I have a hard time trusting myself fully.
Okay now to trust....
Trust
I do not fully trust myself. I gave Todd a lot more then I gave anyone else and I know he does not see that. But he did not give me any trust back so he only allowed that trust to go so far by limiting it. He limited the trust level. I was willing to give him all my trust.
Broken submissives...
Boy this one will be an article at some point :)
I used to be broken submissive.
I am not anymore. Yes, I have lots of things I need to work on but no one needs to "fix" me. I am who I am. Now I want someone who loves me despite my short comings. And wants to be there to help me keep growing and going forward.
There are Dominants out there that want to fix submissives. I wonder what they do when they fix them. Leave them....heartbroken is what I feel. And also are they really Dominants? I think they are so broken to fix something allows them to feel good about themselves. To be a Dominant you must be confident in yourself - all parts of yourself even the short comings. And you have to be strong in your beliefs and know who you are.....and so far those Dominants that I have found that want to fix broken submissives are insecure.
All this being said the last few days and the next....
I do love Todd.
See the Meet Joe Black love.....love despite faults.
We were on different pages. Story of my life lol
I have a big heart. I love lots of people. And hope I always have a big heart.
I have not cried yet.
For some reason I do not think I will.....
I cried 1 day over Sir.
Just like with Sir the first thoughts last night were of Jim.....
Always of Jim.....
something I need to figure out I guess.....
peace,
danae
I am very lucky to have the friends I do.
I have always had lots of friends. I am a social person and like doing things with friends but more importantly I like friends to be able to a "friend" to. To have people in my life that I care for and they care for me. To know that they can call me and I will be there for them and they will be here for me. In Ohio I have a group of friends that are the best friends I could ever have asked for. They are the type of friends you can call at 3am in the morning and say I need you and they would be there.
I remember when I first told Todd that he said want to test that theory. I do not think he believed I had friends like that because he did not. I have friends across the country that would be here for me if I need them. Friends in different countries *smiles thinking of her beautiful honey*
I am glad Honey was here this week.
All things for a reason lol
Okay off topic because of course my mind is floating all over....
Last night Todd kept asking me why I canceled my appointment I had set up for 6pm. And I am sitting here today shaking my head why the hell would he not think I would have. I knew on Wednesday night when I got in my car that he wanted to just be friends. And I want more. Todd needs friends. So I guess I will be his friend if he wants me to be.
I told him once I had lots of friends I did not need more and he said, "must be nice." That is all he said even though he will disagree with that but those that know me know when I focus I remember EVERYTHING. It drives Kam nuts lol I have not always focused on Todd and our conversations so I don't remember all of them but I do that one because it was an important one and I was focusing.
So why would I want to be in an appointment when I knew he was "breaking up" with me so to speak. I mean it was pretty hard just to do all the things I needed to yesterday because I knew what was going to happen. I told Honey to tell him he and should talk in private and she did. And yet he picked a public place. And then I wanted Honey there when he told me. I had reasons for that one. And he said he wanted to be alone. I know why he wanted to be alone.
Oh right now I am sure he would say you are making lots of assumptions. :)
I am.
He told me the other night I always have to be right. I don't but I am. It is just a fact. I am right more times then I am wrong. I roll things around in my head and find the possible reasons and then something shows me the real reason. Sometimes I do not listen to it though that is a downfall. I have a hard time trusting myself fully.
Okay now to trust....
Trust
I do not fully trust myself. I gave Todd a lot more then I gave anyone else and I know he does not see that. But he did not give me any trust back so he only allowed that trust to go so far by limiting it. He limited the trust level. I was willing to give him all my trust.
Broken submissives...
Boy this one will be an article at some point :)
I used to be broken submissive.
I am not anymore. Yes, I have lots of things I need to work on but no one needs to "fix" me. I am who I am. Now I want someone who loves me despite my short comings. And wants to be there to help me keep growing and going forward.
There are Dominants out there that want to fix submissives. I wonder what they do when they fix them. Leave them....heartbroken is what I feel. And also are they really Dominants? I think they are so broken to fix something allows them to feel good about themselves. To be a Dominant you must be confident in yourself - all parts of yourself even the short comings. And you have to be strong in your beliefs and know who you are.....and so far those Dominants that I have found that want to fix broken submissives are insecure.
All this being said the last few days and the next....
I do love Todd.
See the Meet Joe Black love.....love despite faults.
We were on different pages. Story of my life lol
I have a big heart. I love lots of people. And hope I always have a big heart.
I have not cried yet.
For some reason I do not think I will.....
I cried 1 day over Sir.
Just like with Sir the first thoughts last night were of Jim.....
Always of Jim.....
something I need to figure out I guess.....
peace,
danae
Thursday, June 14, 2001
Well, not even sure where to begin......
Illusions.....
A few weeks ago I had tarot reading by SJ and it talked LOTS of illusions. That there was an illusion in my life. It is hard to be told one thing and have something else happen. That is why is why He was an illusion.
Changes....
I am going to change how I address people in this blogger. Sir will stay Sir *soft smile* Daddy is now going to be Kam. And that will be a hard one for him. And Aslan will now be Todd.
What do people look for....
Acceptance...
I think we all want to be accepted for who we are no matter what we do or what our deepest darks thoughts are of....
Meet Joe Black is a movie that comes back to me OFTEN! I saw it the first weekend Honey and I met each other. It has played a big part in how I define love since that day. The brother in law tells Joe that he knew the sister loved him because she accepted everything about him. He was the wheeler dealer type and seemed to always be that way but she accepted him...loved him for who he was always.
I am so many things......
All are a part of me. The pain and darkness in me is a part of me. The parts that feel I need D/s in my life ALWAYS (at varying levels - protocols) is a part of me. The part that wants to be touched, held, to be pampered are a part of me. (those parts are harder for me to deal with then the pain, darkness and D/s.)
I want someone to be there for me when I cry. And when I am happy and when I am sad. When I am pmsing lol and when I am flying on top of the world.
I want someone who wants to give me guidance and structure. I want someone who is strong.
I could go on and on with what I want....
Let me talk about this week...
Saturday Kam and I went to do work stuff and then cleaned my car out. It needed it. It had cali hair in it still....miss my puppy.
WOW going off topic for a moment!!!
I have goose bumps...lol....
Sir just told me he had a question and then said no it is not a question.....and just how he worded it I could tell an order was coming.....
Sir: you are allowed to blush and cover your face now
I know that rule bothered Sir. He found it enduring me covering my face. And Todd told me not to do it...because well his reason was that I had too pretty of face to cover.
Okay back to play by play of week...
Saturday....We then had lunch with Di and I told her some dreams I had. Which ended up causing a big fight/miscommunication between Todd and I. And basically he ended things and then about 3 hours later we were back together. *shrugs* Pushed and pulled and confused......daily with him.
Then went to pick up Honey :)
Sunday
Brunch and shopping!!!!
Monday
Work and then dinner with Sir. I wanted Honey to meet him. They had fun flirting with each other :)
Tuesday
We went to Gabe's bought Kam clothing that he needed a lot. Resisted the urge to buy Todd clothing too. Got a fake leather skirt for $4 :) Then Honey and I did something I had been meaning to do for a while. And then we got Kam from work and went to meet someone who did not show.
Wednesday
oh joy...lol
I invited Todd and Di to go out with Honey and I so they could meet her. It was important to me. And I felt Todd was going to blow me off. Di got there and I had a margarita and then had a few more. We called Sir and asked him to join us (thinking Todd was not going too). And well both ended up being there but it was a good thing. Lots of things happened that I needed to happen.
I am glad I had Honey here this week.
Thursday
Todd told me he just wants to be friends.
And now soon..in 5 mins it is a new day.
Have not cried over him yet. Not sure I will....
peace,
danae
Illusions.....
A few weeks ago I had tarot reading by SJ and it talked LOTS of illusions. That there was an illusion in my life. It is hard to be told one thing and have something else happen. That is why is why He was an illusion.
Changes....
I am going to change how I address people in this blogger. Sir will stay Sir *soft smile* Daddy is now going to be Kam. And that will be a hard one for him. And Aslan will now be Todd.
What do people look for....
Acceptance...
I think we all want to be accepted for who we are no matter what we do or what our deepest darks thoughts are of....
Meet Joe Black is a movie that comes back to me OFTEN! I saw it the first weekend Honey and I met each other. It has played a big part in how I define love since that day. The brother in law tells Joe that he knew the sister loved him because she accepted everything about him. He was the wheeler dealer type and seemed to always be that way but she accepted him...loved him for who he was always.
I am so many things......
All are a part of me. The pain and darkness in me is a part of me. The parts that feel I need D/s in my life ALWAYS (at varying levels - protocols) is a part of me. The part that wants to be touched, held, to be pampered are a part of me. (those parts are harder for me to deal with then the pain, darkness and D/s.)
I want someone to be there for me when I cry. And when I am happy and when I am sad. When I am pmsing lol and when I am flying on top of the world.
I want someone who wants to give me guidance and structure. I want someone who is strong.
I could go on and on with what I want....
Let me talk about this week...
Saturday Kam and I went to do work stuff and then cleaned my car out. It needed it. It had cali hair in it still....miss my puppy.
WOW going off topic for a moment!!!
I have goose bumps...lol....
Sir just told me he had a question and then said no it is not a question.....and just how he worded it I could tell an order was coming.....
Sir: you are allowed to blush and cover your face now
I know that rule bothered Sir. He found it enduring me covering my face. And Todd told me not to do it...because well his reason was that I had too pretty of face to cover.
Okay back to play by play of week...
Saturday....We then had lunch with Di and I told her some dreams I had. Which ended up causing a big fight/miscommunication between Todd and I. And basically he ended things and then about 3 hours later we were back together. *shrugs* Pushed and pulled and confused......daily with him.
Then went to pick up Honey :)
Sunday
Brunch and shopping!!!!
Monday
Work and then dinner with Sir. I wanted Honey to meet him. They had fun flirting with each other :)
Tuesday
We went to Gabe's bought Kam clothing that he needed a lot. Resisted the urge to buy Todd clothing too. Got a fake leather skirt for $4 :) Then Honey and I did something I had been meaning to do for a while. And then we got Kam from work and went to meet someone who did not show.
Wednesday
oh joy...lol
I invited Todd and Di to go out with Honey and I so they could meet her. It was important to me. And I felt Todd was going to blow me off. Di got there and I had a margarita and then had a few more. We called Sir and asked him to join us (thinking Todd was not going too). And well both ended up being there but it was a good thing. Lots of things happened that I needed to happen.
I am glad I had Honey here this week.
Thursday
Todd told me he just wants to be friends.
And now soon..in 5 mins it is a new day.
Have not cried over him yet. Not sure I will....
peace,
danae
Sunday, June 10, 2001
I am not sure what to be writing.....
Things are up and down still. Today actually I feel the most positive about things though then I have.
Honey got here last night about 3am. :)
Thursday night I got to spend the night with Aslan. We did not get together until late. Di called me while on the way to hotel room. I was very worried about her and wished she would have come to hang out with me.
Aslan and I had a very intense night. Things from his past came up.
Then I have been craving pain - intense dark pain all week. And so I begged him to hurt me. I am sure most would not understand what happened and why I begged. But I stopped trying to explain a long time ago. I just know it is something I need at this time in my life. Aslan did good but I know he has lots of extra thoughts about what went on.
I was crashing on Friday morning and then would bring it back together and then started crashing again in the afternoon.
I felt guilt over some things that had happened.
Friday evening I was suppose to get together with Sir and he was going to beat me :)
But I had not slept at all on Thursday night soooo after Daddy and I came home from dinner and a margarita I was ready to crash. I went to bed about 7pm and slept until 12:30 and got up and called and left Aslan a message and then saw Sir online. He was disappointed we did not get together but I know I needed the sleep. I have been on an emotional, mental and physical rollercoaster the last few weeks and I am just not getting enough sleep. So I needed that sleep. I slept until 6am. I woke up with a nightmare. I had several that night. :(
There is so much I do not know about Aslan and I want to know all. I want to share my life with him and I want him to be able to do the same with me.
Saturday Daddy and I went and did some work things and then cleaned my car out. We then had lunch with Di. I had not heard from Aslan since the previous day when I called him about crashing and feeling guilt. So I was worried about him. I felt he also was trying to deal with some things that happened and I think he was trying to pretend they did not happen. I never want him to hurt.
Anyway the rest that happened....happened. And I feel we are moving beyond it. I am very happy about that.
I want everyone to meet Honey so trying to think how I can get everything into the schedule lol
Well I need to sign off...
peace,
danae
ps: I did not write about what I learned about myself this week....on Friday. What did i learn, I learned that D/s is life to me and vanilla. I look at slave girl and she is vanilla to me. She is kinky she is into bdsm and extreme things but her life day in and day out is very "ordinary." She is a housewife and a mother and her life is normal. I guess that is what I want. I want a strong man who wants a wife to serve him, please him and make his home happy. I have come full circle. I am right back to where I was with Jim but I do know I still want the kinky stuff and bdsm things. Jim did those things and the life we had would have been very nice if he had not felt guilty for the bdsm/kinky things. I told Daddy that if things did not work out with Aslan and I, that I thought I was going to look for a vanilla man...that was strong and introduce him to the kinky things. Just thoughts nothing that I have spent a lot of time journaling about yet so not solid thoughts yet.
Things are up and down still. Today actually I feel the most positive about things though then I have.
Honey got here last night about 3am. :)
Thursday night I got to spend the night with Aslan. We did not get together until late. Di called me while on the way to hotel room. I was very worried about her and wished she would have come to hang out with me.
Aslan and I had a very intense night. Things from his past came up.
Then I have been craving pain - intense dark pain all week. And so I begged him to hurt me. I am sure most would not understand what happened and why I begged. But I stopped trying to explain a long time ago. I just know it is something I need at this time in my life. Aslan did good but I know he has lots of extra thoughts about what went on.
I was crashing on Friday morning and then would bring it back together and then started crashing again in the afternoon.
I felt guilt over some things that had happened.
Friday evening I was suppose to get together with Sir and he was going to beat me :)
But I had not slept at all on Thursday night soooo after Daddy and I came home from dinner and a margarita I was ready to crash. I went to bed about 7pm and slept until 12:30 and got up and called and left Aslan a message and then saw Sir online. He was disappointed we did not get together but I know I needed the sleep. I have been on an emotional, mental and physical rollercoaster the last few weeks and I am just not getting enough sleep. So I needed that sleep. I slept until 6am. I woke up with a nightmare. I had several that night. :(
There is so much I do not know about Aslan and I want to know all. I want to share my life with him and I want him to be able to do the same with me.
Saturday Daddy and I went and did some work things and then cleaned my car out. We then had lunch with Di. I had not heard from Aslan since the previous day when I called him about crashing and feeling guilt. So I was worried about him. I felt he also was trying to deal with some things that happened and I think he was trying to pretend they did not happen. I never want him to hurt.
Anyway the rest that happened....happened. And I feel we are moving beyond it. I am very happy about that.
I want everyone to meet Honey so trying to think how I can get everything into the schedule lol
Well I need to sign off...
peace,
danae
ps: I did not write about what I learned about myself this week....on Friday. What did i learn, I learned that D/s is life to me and vanilla. I look at slave girl and she is vanilla to me. She is kinky she is into bdsm and extreme things but her life day in and day out is very "ordinary." She is a housewife and a mother and her life is normal. I guess that is what I want. I want a strong man who wants a wife to serve him, please him and make his home happy. I have come full circle. I am right back to where I was with Jim but I do know I still want the kinky stuff and bdsm things. Jim did those things and the life we had would have been very nice if he had not felt guilty for the bdsm/kinky things. I told Daddy that if things did not work out with Aslan and I, that I thought I was going to look for a vanilla man...that was strong and introduce him to the kinky things. Just thoughts nothing that I have spent a lot of time journaling about yet so not solid thoughts yet.
Saturday, June 09, 2001
Tuesday, June 05, 2001
I am sitting here...it is the first night I have been at home really and just been able to be. I have work to do and stuff to do but I am just relaxing. I have surfed the net a little bit. I am sitting here with hair in a pony tail, wearing pjs that have a puppy on the top and paw prints on the bottoms, and I eating animal crackers...hmm wonder where my head is tonight. :)
I found a site by visiting Kimiko's website. She is someone that I should write on sometime. I mean I have "known of her" for about hmm 5 to 6 years online maybe. But anyway I found a site by visiting hers....and it surprised me to find on her site. It is a site about Anita Blake. There is a series of books by Laurall Hamilton that I have read and Daddy has read me :) And I LOVE THEM!!! Anyway this site is GREAT!
I know Mistress DM is worrying about me a lot. And I am not sure how to push her worries away. Maybe there is something to worry about. Maybe there is not.
She said it started before I left for Germany. Maybe Aslan is right I am not submissive. She said last night in ims I called her Ma`am more then I had in months. Yesterday I was trying so hard....to be in more submissive mind set.
I have been thinking about broken submissives today. What I mean by that term is submissive that want the Dom to come in "fix" them. I think I was one of those submissives once upon a time but I am not anymore. Now I am a submissve that wants to learn new things and have growth in areas I still struggle with. But I am not broken.
Sometimes I feel Aslan is a Dominant that wants to help "fix" a broken submissive and reasons we have some miscommunications is because he goes forth as a Dominant wanting to fix me and I am not here to fix. I am here to control, Dominant, guide and teach.
Mistress DM just messaged me. She says I am in and out of myself. Maybe I am broken. Ugghh I hated saying that because.....I know damn well better then that. It took me soooo long to get the strength and courage to do what is best for ME! Mistress DM said she will tell me what she thinks of these posts of Aslan in a few weeks.
Daddy admitted to me last night that even though he does not like that fact that he feels Mistress DM and Sir are wanting to take me a way from him....that he knows they care for me and do not want to hurt me. So at this moment things I have told him both have said he is glad I have them in my life telling me the things they are.....giving me mental cold showers I guess. Even though I just told Mistress DM that I am in denial still.
I do not know why but there is this feeling deep down.....it keeps saying something. I feel that there is something I am suppose to learn from Aslan. But I cannot figure out what it is yet. But it just keeps turning over and over saying hang on...keep going forward. Try. Hard.
Don popped into my head a lot today. Aslan read the blogger on what I felt Aslan meant. I did not think Don was God but in away I felt he was the most powerful being. He had the power to kill me..almost did a few times. If he would have said go to the roof and jump off I would have. I hate that he had that power over me and I loved it I craved it. I feared it. I needed it. I would have ended up dead though if I kept with it.
Emotional.....Physical.....Mental...torture.....Don did them all. He broke me down. Do I really want that again?
peace,
danae
I found a site by visiting Kimiko's website. She is someone that I should write on sometime. I mean I have "known of her" for about hmm 5 to 6 years online maybe. But anyway I found a site by visiting hers....and it surprised me to find on her site. It is a site about Anita Blake. There is a series of books by Laurall Hamilton that I have read and Daddy has read me :) And I LOVE THEM!!! Anyway this site is GREAT!
I know Mistress DM is worrying about me a lot. And I am not sure how to push her worries away. Maybe there is something to worry about. Maybe there is not.
She said it started before I left for Germany. Maybe Aslan is right I am not submissive. She said last night in ims I called her Ma`am more then I had in months. Yesterday I was trying so hard....to be in more submissive mind set.
I have been thinking about broken submissives today. What I mean by that term is submissive that want the Dom to come in "fix" them. I think I was one of those submissives once upon a time but I am not anymore. Now I am a submissve that wants to learn new things and have growth in areas I still struggle with. But I am not broken.
Sometimes I feel Aslan is a Dominant that wants to help "fix" a broken submissive and reasons we have some miscommunications is because he goes forth as a Dominant wanting to fix me and I am not here to fix. I am here to control, Dominant, guide and teach.
Mistress DM just messaged me. She says I am in and out of myself. Maybe I am broken. Ugghh I hated saying that because.....I know damn well better then that. It took me soooo long to get the strength and courage to do what is best for ME! Mistress DM said she will tell me what she thinks of these posts of Aslan in a few weeks.
Daddy admitted to me last night that even though he does not like that fact that he feels Mistress DM and Sir are wanting to take me a way from him....that he knows they care for me and do not want to hurt me. So at this moment things I have told him both have said he is glad I have them in my life telling me the things they are.....giving me mental cold showers I guess. Even though I just told Mistress DM that I am in denial still.
I do not know why but there is this feeling deep down.....it keeps saying something. I feel that there is something I am suppose to learn from Aslan. But I cannot figure out what it is yet. But it just keeps turning over and over saying hang on...keep going forward. Try. Hard.
Don popped into my head a lot today. Aslan read the blogger on what I felt Aslan meant. I did not think Don was God but in away I felt he was the most powerful being. He had the power to kill me..almost did a few times. If he would have said go to the roof and jump off I would have. I hate that he had that power over me and I loved it I craved it. I feared it. I needed it. I would have ended up dead though if I kept with it.
Emotional.....Physical.....Mental...torture.....Don did them all. He broke me down. Do I really want that again?
peace,
danae
Monday, June 04, 2001
When Aslan told me to use the name Aslan for him. I knew the name sounded familiar. And I felt right away it was from the Narnia series by CS Lewis. But I was not for sure so I did not mention it. The other night Mistress DM messaged me and she asked me if Aslan had told me what Aslan meant yet. She asked me if I was suppose to find out or that he was going to tell me. I know she respects what others want and she did not want to tell me something he was going too. And I said that I thought Aslan was from the series by CS Lewis. We then talked about what Alsan represented in the books. Alsan was Savior...God...King.
I tend to put my Owners on a pedestal and place them up like they are God/King and have felt they were my Savior at times also.
Aslan has faults..thank gawd :) But I could see myself placing him there anyway. Because that is how I am as a submissive.
My Master's word is it. I follow what he says always.
I have placed him there.....before I knew where we were going. I am still not sure where I am going with him. But I going to keep giving myself a mental cold shower to keep my feet on the ground. :) Thanks for the term Mistress DM - mental cold shower :) I like it!
Well, I need to jet...going to have lunch with Moni....
peace,
danae
I tend to put my Owners on a pedestal and place them up like they are God/King and have felt they were my Savior at times also.
Aslan has faults..thank gawd :) But I could see myself placing him there anyway. Because that is how I am as a submissive.
My Master's word is it. I follow what he says always.
I have placed him there.....before I knew where we were going. I am still not sure where I am going with him. But I going to keep giving myself a mental cold shower to keep my feet on the ground. :) Thanks for the term Mistress DM - mental cold shower :) I like it!
Well, I need to jet...going to have lunch with Moni....
peace,
danae
Well I want to thank those who were concerned about seeing my mood indicator on Friday – it said Abandoned. I pretty much felt that way a lot this week. Aslan has a lot of heavy stuff going on in his life and I am completely understanding of the situations but it does not change that I want his attention too.
I want to Thank Sir for Friday night. He gave me exactly what I needed. I am thankful to have him in my life and that we can still just be with each other even though he knows of my feeling for Aslan.
I wrote this blogger today. It was great. From the gut – from the heart – from me and then the power went off. I lost it all.
This blogger I am writing will be hard to publish but trying to be true to myself…for me and for Aslan.
I just got home from SJ’s. I called her because well she is great but also because I needed a tarot reading. It was an interesting reading. I needed to hear it but if I accept it all right now is the question. I am not sure I want to. And actually I think I might not. Just for a little while.
Each person comes into our lives to give us something. We can learn from them all. And I am suppose to learn something from Aslan right now I am not quite sure what that is….but I know I am suppose. Part of me feels he is just here to give me a boost to go on to the next person and the other part of me feels he is it…the one. Which probably scares him more hearing.
While I was in Germany I came to determine that I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be accepted for who I am…all that different aspects of danae. I wrote something about it while in Germany…and I am going to look for it and post it. I did not post it then for I did not want those in my life to get that I was talking about them. I just needed to express what I wanted.
I also at that time started reading more about life as a 24/7 submissive again. And I read over things I wrote and it sounded like almost a different person. I am different now. But many of my core beliefs are still a part of me. I want a Master. I want to be loved by my Master and accepted. I want to be an owned submissive.
I just was reading over Aslan’s emails to me when we first met online. They are interesting and then almost seem different. Not sure I can explain that.
This week….
Tuesday….
Well I had visions of what I wanted to happen when I stepped off that plane and of course that was the furthest thing that happened lol I first walked right past Aslan. We then proceed to have hmmm miscommunications/misunderstandings – not one but like 4 or 5 of them.
The first time it happened….I felt very much like I did when Jim and I would have misunderstandings. And that disturbed me. The disagreements were not huge things but they mattered to me.
For a long time I denied my feelings. And I did not express them to anyone. Now I do. And I think often Aslan views me expressing my feelings as not very submissive. And view it as being submissive in how I word it as I am not yelling and screaming lol
I feel like Aslan was almost trying to get me mad. And push me. I feel often he pulls me close and only to push me away. And I want to learn more about him and that is hard with someone like him.
So much floating around in my head right now…..good and not so good. But all for what is best for danae.
Wednesday…
Aslan and I got together to talk. I thought we were going to spend the night together and we did not. Something that kind of bothers me. Aslan says things but does not always do what he says. Work was the priority that night.
One thing that was interesting that I wrote when trying to express what I wanted in love….I wanted someone who would not leave me alone when crying.
It was really important to me.
I was kicking the bed like a little girl begging him not to go and he kind patted me on the head and then left. Well, how I was lying on the bed and this hotel room….I could not see the door. So thinking I was alone. I proceeded to cry just let it out. And I did for a while and got up to blow my nose and there behind me sitting next to the door on a couch....
He had sat there and listened to me cry.
I have discussed this with Di and neither of us quite understand why he left me there to cry by myself. And I still do not.
So many things I just let go and believe they will show me what I needed to when it is time. But it is so hard to do that over and over without getting some doubts squelched.
I am getting really tired so I will finish this tomorrow but need to write this….
Tonight was a VERY hard night. And I still have LOTS of unresolved issues and feelings. But I feel more confident that I am not losing it. I have confidence that I can get a hold of what is best for danae.
What I am going to do that might not be right for me – but I am not for sure – Is keep on with Aslan and just go day to day. Enjoying my time with him…before he moves on. Or I do.
peace,
danae
I want to Thank Sir for Friday night. He gave me exactly what I needed. I am thankful to have him in my life and that we can still just be with each other even though he knows of my feeling for Aslan.
I wrote this blogger today. It was great. From the gut – from the heart – from me and then the power went off. I lost it all.
This blogger I am writing will be hard to publish but trying to be true to myself…for me and for Aslan.
I just got home from SJ’s. I called her because well she is great but also because I needed a tarot reading. It was an interesting reading. I needed to hear it but if I accept it all right now is the question. I am not sure I want to. And actually I think I might not. Just for a little while.
Each person comes into our lives to give us something. We can learn from them all. And I am suppose to learn something from Aslan right now I am not quite sure what that is….but I know I am suppose. Part of me feels he is just here to give me a boost to go on to the next person and the other part of me feels he is it…the one. Which probably scares him more hearing.
While I was in Germany I came to determine that I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be accepted for who I am…all that different aspects of danae. I wrote something about it while in Germany…and I am going to look for it and post it. I did not post it then for I did not want those in my life to get that I was talking about them. I just needed to express what I wanted.
I also at that time started reading more about life as a 24/7 submissive again. And I read over things I wrote and it sounded like almost a different person. I am different now. But many of my core beliefs are still a part of me. I want a Master. I want to be loved by my Master and accepted. I want to be an owned submissive.
I just was reading over Aslan’s emails to me when we first met online. They are interesting and then almost seem different. Not sure I can explain that.
This week….
Tuesday….
Well I had visions of what I wanted to happen when I stepped off that plane and of course that was the furthest thing that happened lol I first walked right past Aslan. We then proceed to have hmmm miscommunications/misunderstandings – not one but like 4 or 5 of them.
The first time it happened….I felt very much like I did when Jim and I would have misunderstandings. And that disturbed me. The disagreements were not huge things but they mattered to me.
For a long time I denied my feelings. And I did not express them to anyone. Now I do. And I think often Aslan views me expressing my feelings as not very submissive. And view it as being submissive in how I word it as I am not yelling and screaming lol
I feel like Aslan was almost trying to get me mad. And push me. I feel often he pulls me close and only to push me away. And I want to learn more about him and that is hard with someone like him.
So much floating around in my head right now…..good and not so good. But all for what is best for danae.
Wednesday…
Aslan and I got together to talk. I thought we were going to spend the night together and we did not. Something that kind of bothers me. Aslan says things but does not always do what he says. Work was the priority that night.
One thing that was interesting that I wrote when trying to express what I wanted in love….I wanted someone who would not leave me alone when crying.
It was really important to me.
I was kicking the bed like a little girl begging him not to go and he kind patted me on the head and then left. Well, how I was lying on the bed and this hotel room….I could not see the door. So thinking I was alone. I proceeded to cry just let it out. And I did for a while and got up to blow my nose and there behind me sitting next to the door on a couch....
He had sat there and listened to me cry.
I have discussed this with Di and neither of us quite understand why he left me there to cry by myself. And I still do not.
So many things I just let go and believe they will show me what I needed to when it is time. But it is so hard to do that over and over without getting some doubts squelched.
I am getting really tired so I will finish this tomorrow but need to write this….
Tonight was a VERY hard night. And I still have LOTS of unresolved issues and feelings. But I feel more confident that I am not losing it. I have confidence that I can get a hold of what is best for danae.
What I am going to do that might not be right for me – but I am not for sure – Is keep on with Aslan and just go day to day. Enjoying my time with him…before he moves on. Or I do.
peace,
danae
Friday, June 01, 2001
This weeks update.....
hmmm I am just not in the mood to write tonight and on the way out......
Meeting Sir.....
I have been on a rollercoaster this week.
I will explain better when I can focus more. Probably after I get beat lol....
This week I have learned....hmmmm I have thought on this all day. I did learn I need Aslan. And I do not like saying that outloud.
peace,
danae
hmmm I am just not in the mood to write tonight and on the way out......
Meeting Sir.....
I have been on a rollercoaster this week.
I will explain better when I can focus more. Probably after I get beat lol....
This week I have learned....hmmmm I have thought on this all day. I did learn I need Aslan. And I do not like saying that outloud.
peace,
danae
Sunday, May 27, 2001
I have so many thoughts and feelings floating around inside me. I have lots of things to discuss with Aslan. Question pop up all the time I am going to have to start keeping a notebook with me so I remember them all lol
Today my mom asked me if I love him. I reminded her that I have only known him *real life* for a few weeks. She nodded...and told me to be careful but if I was in love with Aslan to be happy. She felt that people as the get older know who they are and know their feelings more clearly and so she felt people could fall in love quickly and it be "right." The question scared me. I walked around the answer and I know she noticed but I was not ready to answer it. I told Aslan on the phone tonight that she asked.
Something came up tonight.....amusement parks.......
I hate them....
I hate the rides. I hate all the people. I hate the sweaty hands and sticky bodies....now is that a strange thing to think of when thinking of amusement parks? probably *shrugs*
Past Past Past....
I hate that things still get to me. But it is a fear I do not think I am ready to face....
I close my eyes and see it...I feel the rush of the wind on my face from the roller coaster. I feel his hands....on me. My screams are not screams from the rushing of the roller coaster. I see a dark theater type thing again his large sweaty hands and sticky....lots of fast images and the music of the carousel in the background.
My life is changing so fast. But they are needed changes. When I get back I need to get together with SJ so that I can have a tarot reading. I need one a lot. I feel it....and so I need to do that as soon as I can.
This week should be busy with work. I need to get more sleep this week but I also want to spend time with Aslan but time where we do not have to spend our quality time together at 2am in the morning.
I did not talk about what happened on Wednesday night because I care what people think when they read it, as some of it will be extreme to some people I know in the community. I did not write about it because it is something special for just me. Something that I do not want to have to share with anyone but Aslan. I guess I feel like I have never had anything special just to myself. With Daddy there were always others in our life that things were shared with. When I was married everything was told to Jim's parents. So I guess I wanted that night...to just be mine. And even though this blogger is mine. It is not and I do see that.
This weekend with my mom and dad has gone much better then the last time I was here. It is not so strained. I am soooo much more relaxed and I know my parents see that. I think for the first time in their lives they see a very happy person in front of them. My mom and I have SHOPPED a LOT! lol
Today we were in Godiva Chocolates and my mom's day was made lol....The lady behind the counter asked if we were sister or related and I said yes she is my mom and you just made her day as it is her birthday. She then gave my mom a raspberry truffle for free. :)
I bought a journal today. I journal lots but it is on pieces of paper here and there. Notepad on the computer and just save it and lots of things do not even make it to the blogger. I want more of it too be here.
Aslan and I were just having this conversation online. He feels I worry about what people think of me. And I would say that a year ago that would be VERY true but now I do not worry about it. I do worry that I will hurt someone with my words thoughts or feelings but if they like me or not I really do not care either way. There are some things I need to write about and I feel it would hurt the person to read about them before I sat down and talked to them in person. Then after I talk to them then I can write about it here how I felt and how things went. But to have them read those things here before I could say anything seems almost cruel. And I just cannot hurt people intentionally. I have said things in the blogger I know would not go over well but it did not stop me from posting how I felt and expressing myself. I am defensive about this issue for a reason that is work related. In work the image of the company is very important and so I handle business things with diplomacy because it will get us further then me just going off on someone.
Nothing like going from one thing to another...
I was well thinking some hmmm sexual thoughts. I was thinking of Aslan's tongue on my clit *blushing* And right at that time he asked me if I still feel anxiety about him doing that. It is like he reads my mind. And at that moment I was not thinking anything but pure pleasure. My clit is swollen and throbbing and wanting his tongue there VERY badly lol
It is close to my bedtime....
good night...
peace,
danae
Today my mom asked me if I love him. I reminded her that I have only known him *real life* for a few weeks. She nodded...and told me to be careful but if I was in love with Aslan to be happy. She felt that people as the get older know who they are and know their feelings more clearly and so she felt people could fall in love quickly and it be "right." The question scared me. I walked around the answer and I know she noticed but I was not ready to answer it. I told Aslan on the phone tonight that she asked.
Something came up tonight.....amusement parks.......
I hate them....
I hate the rides. I hate all the people. I hate the sweaty hands and sticky bodies....now is that a strange thing to think of when thinking of amusement parks? probably *shrugs*
Past Past Past....
I hate that things still get to me. But it is a fear I do not think I am ready to face....
I close my eyes and see it...I feel the rush of the wind on my face from the roller coaster. I feel his hands....on me. My screams are not screams from the rushing of the roller coaster. I see a dark theater type thing again his large sweaty hands and sticky....lots of fast images and the music of the carousel in the background.
My life is changing so fast. But they are needed changes. When I get back I need to get together with SJ so that I can have a tarot reading. I need one a lot. I feel it....and so I need to do that as soon as I can.
This week should be busy with work. I need to get more sleep this week but I also want to spend time with Aslan but time where we do not have to spend our quality time together at 2am in the morning.
I did not talk about what happened on Wednesday night because I care what people think when they read it, as some of it will be extreme to some people I know in the community. I did not write about it because it is something special for just me. Something that I do not want to have to share with anyone but Aslan. I guess I feel like I have never had anything special just to myself. With Daddy there were always others in our life that things were shared with. When I was married everything was told to Jim's parents. So I guess I wanted that night...to just be mine. And even though this blogger is mine. It is not and I do see that.
This weekend with my mom and dad has gone much better then the last time I was here. It is not so strained. I am soooo much more relaxed and I know my parents see that. I think for the first time in their lives they see a very happy person in front of them. My mom and I have SHOPPED a LOT! lol
Today we were in Godiva Chocolates and my mom's day was made lol....The lady behind the counter asked if we were sister or related and I said yes she is my mom and you just made her day as it is her birthday. She then gave my mom a raspberry truffle for free. :)
I bought a journal today. I journal lots but it is on pieces of paper here and there. Notepad on the computer and just save it and lots of things do not even make it to the blogger. I want more of it too be here.
Aslan and I were just having this conversation online. He feels I worry about what people think of me. And I would say that a year ago that would be VERY true but now I do not worry about it. I do worry that I will hurt someone with my words thoughts or feelings but if they like me or not I really do not care either way. There are some things I need to write about and I feel it would hurt the person to read about them before I sat down and talked to them in person. Then after I talk to them then I can write about it here how I felt and how things went. But to have them read those things here before I could say anything seems almost cruel. And I just cannot hurt people intentionally. I have said things in the blogger I know would not go over well but it did not stop me from posting how I felt and expressing myself. I am defensive about this issue for a reason that is work related. In work the image of the company is very important and so I handle business things with diplomacy because it will get us further then me just going off on someone.
Nothing like going from one thing to another...
I was well thinking some hmmm sexual thoughts. I was thinking of Aslan's tongue on my clit *blushing* And right at that time he asked me if I still feel anxiety about him doing that. It is like he reads my mind. And at that moment I was not thinking anything but pure pleasure. My clit is swollen and throbbing and wanting his tongue there VERY badly lol
It is close to my bedtime....
good night...
peace,
danae
Saturday, May 26, 2001
Wednesday night….
I am not sure I want to write about.
It is something I think I will remember all my life…..
He brushed my hair…..He touched me…he was rough…he was gentle…. He was showing me feeling inside myself I did not know where there.
I am sitting here thinking about those events and I am not sure whether to publish them or not. So if I am struggling with it right now I guess not. Even though if this was not public I would be writing about them. So still a debate…..
Okay so Wednesday night was intense….
Thursday
Thursday night was a bondage class that I went to with Sir. He and I talked about Aslan a lot. And I finally admitted to him how I feel about him. Even though I know that I cannot get all that I need from Sir. It is strange because I am calling him Sir and yet Aslan is my Sir now. I feel torn at times. I will be in IM’s with Sir and IM’s with Aslan and type yes Sir in both boxes. But yet I feel Aslan is the one in control of me. I feel I am his already and so he is Sir. And so when talking Sir I have been “forgetting” the Sir at the end the sentence or question. And that has bothered me and I can tell it bothers Sir too.
Sir keeps telling me that he wants me to be happy. And I believe he does. I just think it is harder for him to lose me – not that he is losing me but our relationship the status of it is changing. And I can tell I am hurting him and that is hard on me.
I saw Moni, Michael and Lucar on Thursday night and it was good to see them again.
When I got home, I did some work and then I met Aslan again. I had not expected it. It was my last night at home. And Daddy and I had not had any time but I needed to be with Aslan.
And I screwed up again that night….
I feel at times that I keep failing. And that I just am not going to be the submissive I once was…and I so much want to give to Aslan that level of submission. I want to submit to him and do all that he wants and desires and needs. But yet I do that struggle with myself. Even as he told me what I did wrong before punishing me – I struggled not to talk back. I struggled as I was punished not to get up and walk away. But part of me could not and that is the part I wish was always there.
I said something I hate to say and hate when others say to me….I told him he deserves better. I feel like I am not a good submissive and at times I feel like I am not going to get it.
Something that has surprised me A LOT is how much I love sleeping with him……I have always preferred to sleep alone. But I miss him when I am not in bed with him at night. I miss his touch. I miss his breath on my skin as we snuggle close. I miss the warmth in his body. I miss starring at his incredibly handsome face as he sleeps…wondering what he is dreaming about in that moment. I miss touching his skin….running my fingers over his chest. I miss him. Last night I reached out for him and then realized where I was and I would not be feeling him next to me this time.
Friday
I woke in the morning and I asked for something again lol and finally I got a yes : ) So I was allowed to do it and I enjoyed EVERY moment of it. I had to stop at times because anxiety took over. He told me I was not ready for it. And in that moment I understood what he meant but I still finished and I am SOOO happy he let me do that. I still think of it and wiggle : )
I did not work much on Friday – I did laundry and packed. I then got a mushy letter from Sir that made me cry and I need to write him back still. And then I went to pick up Daddy at work and we went to dinner. Aslan called during dinner so I got up and went outside to hear him better and also so we could have some privacy. He did not sound good….or like his usual self and I wished there had been a way that I could have helped him. I am not even sure if anything was wrong except he had lots of work and was tired.
I almost feel asleep at the wheel when going to pick up Daddy so that worried both Daddy and Aslan. I called and had Daddy talk to me until I got there so that I stayed awake.
We then went to the airport and I arrived in Minneapolis last night.
Something….to ramble about : )
I think Aslan at times thinks I am basing my happiness on him. And I am not….I know that for sure. When I made the changes I did I realized then that no one else can make you happy. It is only me who can make me happy. I was happy before he came it my life and I will hurt if he leaves it – I will grieve for a while but I will not let it stop me from moving forward.
My insecurities as he breaks the walls down I think are what he sees and thinks I am not happy. But he is breaking the wall down….It is like there is this big brick fortress around me and it a few layers thick and as he busts them down I am scrambling behind him to put it back in place but things are just no fitting like they are suppose to an so it crumbles to pieces. I am very scared. But my light the warmth is still there like it always has been.
I think what I did in December was for me for my happiness. Then Sir came into my life and yes he was a level of happiness but it is like the is a line it is me and my happiness and then Sir come along and intertwines with my happiness – adding to it but not changing my happiness before he came into my life. I think Sir was a step to gain some things back such as my submissive feelings and submission. And he was very needed to get to this point with Aslan.
Okay time to get to bed….my eyes are drifting off….
peace,
danae
I am not sure I want to write about.
It is something I think I will remember all my life…..
He brushed my hair…..He touched me…he was rough…he was gentle…. He was showing me feeling inside myself I did not know where there.
I am sitting here thinking about those events and I am not sure whether to publish them or not. So if I am struggling with it right now I guess not. Even though if this was not public I would be writing about them. So still a debate…..
Okay so Wednesday night was intense….
Thursday
Thursday night was a bondage class that I went to with Sir. He and I talked about Aslan a lot. And I finally admitted to him how I feel about him. Even though I know that I cannot get all that I need from Sir. It is strange because I am calling him Sir and yet Aslan is my Sir now. I feel torn at times. I will be in IM’s with Sir and IM’s with Aslan and type yes Sir in both boxes. But yet I feel Aslan is the one in control of me. I feel I am his already and so he is Sir. And so when talking Sir I have been “forgetting” the Sir at the end the sentence or question. And that has bothered me and I can tell it bothers Sir too.
Sir keeps telling me that he wants me to be happy. And I believe he does. I just think it is harder for him to lose me – not that he is losing me but our relationship the status of it is changing. And I can tell I am hurting him and that is hard on me.
I saw Moni, Michael and Lucar on Thursday night and it was good to see them again.
When I got home, I did some work and then I met Aslan again. I had not expected it. It was my last night at home. And Daddy and I had not had any time but I needed to be with Aslan.
And I screwed up again that night….
I feel at times that I keep failing. And that I just am not going to be the submissive I once was…and I so much want to give to Aslan that level of submission. I want to submit to him and do all that he wants and desires and needs. But yet I do that struggle with myself. Even as he told me what I did wrong before punishing me – I struggled not to talk back. I struggled as I was punished not to get up and walk away. But part of me could not and that is the part I wish was always there.
I said something I hate to say and hate when others say to me….I told him he deserves better. I feel like I am not a good submissive and at times I feel like I am not going to get it.
Something that has surprised me A LOT is how much I love sleeping with him……I have always preferred to sleep alone. But I miss him when I am not in bed with him at night. I miss his touch. I miss his breath on my skin as we snuggle close. I miss the warmth in his body. I miss starring at his incredibly handsome face as he sleeps…wondering what he is dreaming about in that moment. I miss touching his skin….running my fingers over his chest. I miss him. Last night I reached out for him and then realized where I was and I would not be feeling him next to me this time.
Friday
I woke in the morning and I asked for something again lol and finally I got a yes : ) So I was allowed to do it and I enjoyed EVERY moment of it. I had to stop at times because anxiety took over. He told me I was not ready for it. And in that moment I understood what he meant but I still finished and I am SOOO happy he let me do that. I still think of it and wiggle : )
I did not work much on Friday – I did laundry and packed. I then got a mushy letter from Sir that made me cry and I need to write him back still. And then I went to pick up Daddy at work and we went to dinner. Aslan called during dinner so I got up and went outside to hear him better and also so we could have some privacy. He did not sound good….or like his usual self and I wished there had been a way that I could have helped him. I am not even sure if anything was wrong except he had lots of work and was tired.
I almost feel asleep at the wheel when going to pick up Daddy so that worried both Daddy and Aslan. I called and had Daddy talk to me until I got there so that I stayed awake.
We then went to the airport and I arrived in Minneapolis last night.
Something….to ramble about : )
I think Aslan at times thinks I am basing my happiness on him. And I am not….I know that for sure. When I made the changes I did I realized then that no one else can make you happy. It is only me who can make me happy. I was happy before he came it my life and I will hurt if he leaves it – I will grieve for a while but I will not let it stop me from moving forward.
My insecurities as he breaks the walls down I think are what he sees and thinks I am not happy. But he is breaking the wall down….It is like there is this big brick fortress around me and it a few layers thick and as he busts them down I am scrambling behind him to put it back in place but things are just no fitting like they are suppose to an so it crumbles to pieces. I am very scared. But my light the warmth is still there like it always has been.
I think what I did in December was for me for my happiness. Then Sir came into my life and yes he was a level of happiness but it is like the is a line it is me and my happiness and then Sir come along and intertwines with my happiness – adding to it but not changing my happiness before he came into my life. I think Sir was a step to gain some things back such as my submissive feelings and submission. And he was very needed to get to this point with Aslan.
Okay time to get to bed….my eyes are drifting off….
peace,
danae
Tuesday and some of Wednesday.....
Tuesday
I think I experience a type of sub drop again. After being with Aslan my first night I just was so caught up in it and when we left each other it just made me crash.....
And then not sure if it was part of the crashing I was out of it all day. I just felt like I was on drugs almost...but sad.
I then did a BAD thing....I said no to Aslan. And if I had just expressed my thoughts and what was going on he would have done what was best for us. But I just said no. Which of course did not go over well for very good reasons. I am not sure what I was thinking - I was not thinking obviously.
I felt horrible as soon as I did it. I could not shake it off. I was beating up on myself with good reason.
Wednesday
Worked and then Aslan and I met for lunch. He picked me up from a place I was working at and then we took a drive. I knew as we sat in the car with him that I would be punished that day. I had forgot to do something else and he realized that as I got in his car. He had told me on Tuesday morning when we left the hotel that I needed to bring him my art the next time I saw him. Well that was the next time. And I did not. I forgot about and part of me forgot about it purposely as I hate showing people my art and I get very stressed and have lots of anxiety over it.
So when we got to the place where I was going to be punished at....I was informed I did 2 things wrong. He sat me on his knee and told me what I did wrong and that he was disappointed. And then I got on the bed on my hands and knees and he used his belt on me.
I have never felt such pain before. I have not been punished as a submissive very much. But now I am different and it is like I am learning what to do all over again. It hurt so much and I did not want to cry and finally I let it out. And he did some more and then he sat on the bed and pulled me to him and let me cry...holding me. Telling me I was forgiven. We then left and drove all the way back as we had just drove around and around talking and talking.
Something I love with Aslan. We talk about so many different things. I want to know EVERYTHING about him. I want to share everything with him also about myself. I do not want anything that is just for me I want it to be for us...for Him. I have always kept parts of myself for me. And I do not want that with him.
I then went back to work and then went to get Daddy from work. Aslan had planned that we would meet Di for drinks so he could meet her. :) And then I was to spend the night with him. I was to bring my art and show it too Di now also - in TGIF. Ohhhh sooooo much anxiety about that one.
So I did some work then I got my art together and my bag and Aslan picked me up. We went to meet Di. She LOVED him lol She of course thinks the same things I do....he is not like any of the other Dominants I have liked or been involved with...he is down to earth - very intelligent - funny - and SO CUTE :) He is whole. He is a Dominant with me always. I feel it when he looks at me but as a Dominant he can joke around - he can care for me and show me tenderness and so much more. He can cry and still be Dominant. He is real.
So we ate and talked and talked and then....He said he was going to get my art so Di and could talk about him...
*side track for a moment...I am at my parents the phone just rang....it was one of my childhood sweethearts mom....wow that was a blast from the past. She sounds the same. I should have asked about him but I figured mom could give me the scoop lol Anyway lots of memories flooded back.*
I tried to express to him the anxiety had about it....and I believe he understood but felt it was something I needed to push past but I just could not so he left I had to go to the bathroom because I felt like I was going to get sick.
I came back and he was there with the roll on his lap he had the waitress come over and wipe the table down and then he put it on the table and the first picture on the top was of her....
And I said Morgan and Di knew then why I was having problems with this not only is it hard for me to show my art is hard because lots of images of Morgan.
I had not told him about Morgan.
He sat and looked at it and when I started to cry because of the images of Morgan he took my hand and squeezed it and the things he said and the look on his face was incredible. He was feeling each line I had on the paper. He asked good questions but questions that were hard for me to answer as it happened so long ago and I do not remember the feelings or the things going on. Some things I do and some I can look at and say I was angry that day. You can tell from the lines. He could see it too.
We then drove to spend the night together....and on the way back....he told me something very painful for him. It was the first time I felt him pull away. I mean he was sharing and let it out and shared but he told it to me from a distance. Protecting himself from me? I do not think so I think he was doing as he has always done told it in a way that he was able to and still cope. But I felt walls up they are like invisible walls - so you can see but not touch.
The rest will come later I missing him and going to go try to call him...
peace,
danae
Tuesday
I think I experience a type of sub drop again. After being with Aslan my first night I just was so caught up in it and when we left each other it just made me crash.....
And then not sure if it was part of the crashing I was out of it all day. I just felt like I was on drugs almost...but sad.
I then did a BAD thing....I said no to Aslan. And if I had just expressed my thoughts and what was going on he would have done what was best for us. But I just said no. Which of course did not go over well for very good reasons. I am not sure what I was thinking - I was not thinking obviously.
I felt horrible as soon as I did it. I could not shake it off. I was beating up on myself with good reason.
Wednesday
Worked and then Aslan and I met for lunch. He picked me up from a place I was working at and then we took a drive. I knew as we sat in the car with him that I would be punished that day. I had forgot to do something else and he realized that as I got in his car. He had told me on Tuesday morning when we left the hotel that I needed to bring him my art the next time I saw him. Well that was the next time. And I did not. I forgot about and part of me forgot about it purposely as I hate showing people my art and I get very stressed and have lots of anxiety over it.
So when we got to the place where I was going to be punished at....I was informed I did 2 things wrong. He sat me on his knee and told me what I did wrong and that he was disappointed. And then I got on the bed on my hands and knees and he used his belt on me.
I have never felt such pain before. I have not been punished as a submissive very much. But now I am different and it is like I am learning what to do all over again. It hurt so much and I did not want to cry and finally I let it out. And he did some more and then he sat on the bed and pulled me to him and let me cry...holding me. Telling me I was forgiven. We then left and drove all the way back as we had just drove around and around talking and talking.
Something I love with Aslan. We talk about so many different things. I want to know EVERYTHING about him. I want to share everything with him also about myself. I do not want anything that is just for me I want it to be for us...for Him. I have always kept parts of myself for me. And I do not want that with him.
I then went back to work and then went to get Daddy from work. Aslan had planned that we would meet Di for drinks so he could meet her. :) And then I was to spend the night with him. I was to bring my art and show it too Di now also - in TGIF. Ohhhh sooooo much anxiety about that one.
So I did some work then I got my art together and my bag and Aslan picked me up. We went to meet Di. She LOVED him lol She of course thinks the same things I do....he is not like any of the other Dominants I have liked or been involved with...he is down to earth - very intelligent - funny - and SO CUTE :) He is whole. He is a Dominant with me always. I feel it when he looks at me but as a Dominant he can joke around - he can care for me and show me tenderness and so much more. He can cry and still be Dominant. He is real.
So we ate and talked and talked and then....He said he was going to get my art so Di and could talk about him...
*side track for a moment...I am at my parents the phone just rang....it was one of my childhood sweethearts mom....wow that was a blast from the past. She sounds the same. I should have asked about him but I figured mom could give me the scoop lol Anyway lots of memories flooded back.*
I tried to express to him the anxiety had about it....and I believe he understood but felt it was something I needed to push past but I just could not so he left I had to go to the bathroom because I felt like I was going to get sick.
I came back and he was there with the roll on his lap he had the waitress come over and wipe the table down and then he put it on the table and the first picture on the top was of her....
And I said Morgan and Di knew then why I was having problems with this not only is it hard for me to show my art is hard because lots of images of Morgan.
I had not told him about Morgan.
He sat and looked at it and when I started to cry because of the images of Morgan he took my hand and squeezed it and the things he said and the look on his face was incredible. He was feeling each line I had on the paper. He asked good questions but questions that were hard for me to answer as it happened so long ago and I do not remember the feelings or the things going on. Some things I do and some I can look at and say I was angry that day. You can tell from the lines. He could see it too.
We then drove to spend the night together....and on the way back....he told me something very painful for him. It was the first time I felt him pull away. I mean he was sharing and let it out and shared but he told it to me from a distance. Protecting himself from me? I do not think so I think he was doing as he has always done told it in a way that he was able to and still cope. But I felt walls up they are like invisible walls - so you can see but not touch.
The rest will come later I missing him and going to go try to call him...
peace,
danae
Last weeks life.....
Work has been hard but as I said to those that are close to me....if I keep going how I *always* have been it will be okay.
I hate to hurt people. I reach out and try to help those around me when they are in need. I do not always see they are in need but if they talk to me I do things to help. And that is what I did with my business too. I treat everyone as a friend but also give them advice and suggestions to make work better. But I now wonder if it is better to treat them like "employees" instead of friends...to have clear cut outlines of what they can and cannot do.
Anyway enough talk about work on to bigger and better things :)
Monday
Monday I had work to do during the day and I was running late. Something that is starting to bother me. I used to be on time or early to EVERYTHING. And lately I have been running late almost on everything. It was raining and the rain has been getting to me lately. I need sunshine I have found out. There is lots of work things I need to get done and I have not. And Monday I had quite a few but as the last 2 weeks had been so hectic and full of headaches I felt I deserved a break. And even though there was something I wanted done by Tuesday I opted to go to spend the night with Aslan....our first night together. Daddy felt I should be staying home and working. And part of me understood but the other part was like excuse me I put in 60 to 70 hours a week and I deserve a night to relax. I mean even when I am out and about with friends I am working as I always have my phone with me. So even at my night of relaxing I had my phone with me. So Aslan picked me up. We got the hotel and I noticed things about him right away. He dropped me off at the door and went and parked. He carried my bag in. He was a gentleman. I mean that might not seem like a big deal to some people but MANY Dominants I know are very selfish and inconsiderate. And that might sound harsh but it is true. Sit in a room at a BDSM gathering and see how many Dominates get up and get their own drink and if they do see if they offer to get their submissive anything. It is really hard because when I first moved to Ohio all the service oriented things were natural to me and now it is like I block them. Because I got hurt by them before my mind has blocked me thinking about those things. And I desperately want them back. I want to just want my body to react to what my Master is doing. If he is starting to undress go and help. If he starts to get up to get a drink or whatever go get it for him. I want to be to the point of anticipation. Where I know what he wants and needs before he has to react or ask. I just at this time feel it is a long way down the road.
We got to the hotel and I was nervous. He knew I was and he told me to undress and lay face down on the bed. Another thing to get check when I go to the doctors is my hearing. I have partial loss in one ear but right now it feels like both are hearing about the same level...and that bothers me. Reason I bring that up as I did not hear me say lay face down on the bed. He left and came back and sat on the bed next to me and proceeded to give me a massage. I have a few things that bother me as I do not I guess feel I deserve good things at times. And also I have touching issues. Touching - non-sexual touching to me is - intimate. And as I know every well I have an intimacy issue. So 1) I have someone touching 2) I do not think I deserve it 3) He is he Dominant and to me I am suppose to be giving him the massage so it was hard for me to relax. He got me talking and when I talked I relaxed some it is like it took my mind of what he was touching me lol
Aslan is very smart and he is very good at understanding me. He is a mindreader *smiles* I think about when I was in Tennessee with L and e. L definitly thought I needed a mindreader. And this birthday book I have it says the same thing lol And Aslan does seem to read my mind. Even when I cannot get to the real issue swimming around in my head and I am just talking about all the other outlining things in my head he knows. He knows that there is that center thing when I am not ready to face it.
Okay so he gave me a massage. We then had a discussion about some things I had discussed with him. And then we discussed a few issues. I tried to cover my face. And he put his hand in my hair and turned my face so I could not and then told me I was not to that ever again. He told me I had much to pretty of face to hide. *blushing but not covering face* :) We then laid in bed and talked and went to sleep. Which of course impressed me that this Dominant male was in bed with me naked and did not talk of sex or imply we would go there. I feel he wanted too. But that he looking to see what is best for me - for us.
Well I have like 5 ims going so I guess the rest of the week will have to wait til later tonight...
I am at my parents....it is good to be home but different also...
peace,
danae
Work has been hard but as I said to those that are close to me....if I keep going how I *always* have been it will be okay.
I hate to hurt people. I reach out and try to help those around me when they are in need. I do not always see they are in need but if they talk to me I do things to help. And that is what I did with my business too. I treat everyone as a friend but also give them advice and suggestions to make work better. But I now wonder if it is better to treat them like "employees" instead of friends...to have clear cut outlines of what they can and cannot do.
Anyway enough talk about work on to bigger and better things :)
Monday
Monday I had work to do during the day and I was running late. Something that is starting to bother me. I used to be on time or early to EVERYTHING. And lately I have been running late almost on everything. It was raining and the rain has been getting to me lately. I need sunshine I have found out. There is lots of work things I need to get done and I have not. And Monday I had quite a few but as the last 2 weeks had been so hectic and full of headaches I felt I deserved a break. And even though there was something I wanted done by Tuesday I opted to go to spend the night with Aslan....our first night together. Daddy felt I should be staying home and working. And part of me understood but the other part was like excuse me I put in 60 to 70 hours a week and I deserve a night to relax. I mean even when I am out and about with friends I am working as I always have my phone with me. So even at my night of relaxing I had my phone with me. So Aslan picked me up. We got the hotel and I noticed things about him right away. He dropped me off at the door and went and parked. He carried my bag in. He was a gentleman. I mean that might not seem like a big deal to some people but MANY Dominants I know are very selfish and inconsiderate. And that might sound harsh but it is true. Sit in a room at a BDSM gathering and see how many Dominates get up and get their own drink and if they do see if they offer to get their submissive anything. It is really hard because when I first moved to Ohio all the service oriented things were natural to me and now it is like I block them. Because I got hurt by them before my mind has blocked me thinking about those things. And I desperately want them back. I want to just want my body to react to what my Master is doing. If he is starting to undress go and help. If he starts to get up to get a drink or whatever go get it for him. I want to be to the point of anticipation. Where I know what he wants and needs before he has to react or ask. I just at this time feel it is a long way down the road.
We got to the hotel and I was nervous. He knew I was and he told me to undress and lay face down on the bed. Another thing to get check when I go to the doctors is my hearing. I have partial loss in one ear but right now it feels like both are hearing about the same level...and that bothers me. Reason I bring that up as I did not hear me say lay face down on the bed. He left and came back and sat on the bed next to me and proceeded to give me a massage. I have a few things that bother me as I do not I guess feel I deserve good things at times. And also I have touching issues. Touching - non-sexual touching to me is - intimate. And as I know every well I have an intimacy issue. So 1) I have someone touching 2) I do not think I deserve it 3) He is he Dominant and to me I am suppose to be giving him the massage so it was hard for me to relax. He got me talking and when I talked I relaxed some it is like it took my mind of what he was touching me lol
Aslan is very smart and he is very good at understanding me. He is a mindreader *smiles* I think about when I was in Tennessee with L and e. L definitly thought I needed a mindreader. And this birthday book I have it says the same thing lol And Aslan does seem to read my mind. Even when I cannot get to the real issue swimming around in my head and I am just talking about all the other outlining things in my head he knows. He knows that there is that center thing when I am not ready to face it.
Okay so he gave me a massage. We then had a discussion about some things I had discussed with him. And then we discussed a few issues. I tried to cover my face. And he put his hand in my hair and turned my face so I could not and then told me I was not to that ever again. He told me I had much to pretty of face to hide. *blushing but not covering face* :) We then laid in bed and talked and went to sleep. Which of course impressed me that this Dominant male was in bed with me naked and did not talk of sex or imply we would go there. I feel he wanted too. But that he looking to see what is best for me - for us.
Well I have like 5 ims going so I guess the rest of the week will have to wait til later tonight...
I am at my parents....it is good to be home but different also...
peace,
danae
Friday, May 25, 2001
The last 2 weeks have been a whirlwind of sorts. It has been very good but I am still like sitting here amazed that all that has happened really happened to me and not someone else.
There is a yahoogroup called a slave diary....I have followed her diary for about 2 years. When I first started reading it was amazed that someone actually had the life she did. I thought it was a dream. As my life was changing my feelings towards what I read changed too. I still wanted it....I could feel it inside how I wanted a life similar to hers. Her Master is a man, her husband, her friend, her lover and her Dominant was a total person...not just D/s not just BDSM not just vanilla...not just strong but kind. And I would read it and cry because of the feelings it evoked in me. At one point in my life I got mad reading it. Because I felt betrayed and not sure I can explain that but I did. I stopped reading for a little bit.
Now I have a man in my life that could be just like her Master.
He has done things I never thought of having done to me. I have always been the one to give others pleasure and many times I have not got any pleasure back except the knowing that they enjoyed it.
I am having lots of feeling and lots of things swirling in my head that I cannot get out at the moment. I about to leave to go see my parents who i have not seen in a year.
I actually hope to write on the plane and then type it up when I get there...
So everyone...Have a good weekend...
peace,
danae
ps: I learned this week that I have lots of fears even though I am happy with my life. To keep going forward and get all my dreams - is very scary. I have learned that I have lots to learn as a submissive again. I learned that I am very selfish. I have learned that even though I am happy I can have insecure moments. I have learned that I do not listen very well. I have learned that I do not speak without thinking at times....especially with Aslan who I want to treat with respect. I have learned that I need love in my life. I have learned that I do not want to be alone anymore. I have learned that simple things provide me with great joy. I have learned that I need more sleep :) I have learned that no matter how much I try to work things out with people sometimes it is not meant to work. I have learned that I blush a lot *grin*
There is a yahoogroup called a slave diary....I have followed her diary for about 2 years. When I first started reading it was amazed that someone actually had the life she did. I thought it was a dream. As my life was changing my feelings towards what I read changed too. I still wanted it....I could feel it inside how I wanted a life similar to hers. Her Master is a man, her husband, her friend, her lover and her Dominant was a total person...not just D/s not just BDSM not just vanilla...not just strong but kind. And I would read it and cry because of the feelings it evoked in me. At one point in my life I got mad reading it. Because I felt betrayed and not sure I can explain that but I did. I stopped reading for a little bit.
Now I have a man in my life that could be just like her Master.
He has done things I never thought of having done to me. I have always been the one to give others pleasure and many times I have not got any pleasure back except the knowing that they enjoyed it.
I am having lots of feeling and lots of things swirling in my head that I cannot get out at the moment. I about to leave to go see my parents who i have not seen in a year.
I actually hope to write on the plane and then type it up when I get there...
So everyone...Have a good weekend...
peace,
danae
ps: I learned this week that I have lots of fears even though I am happy with my life. To keep going forward and get all my dreams - is very scary. I have learned that I have lots to learn as a submissive again. I learned that I am very selfish. I have learned that even though I am happy I can have insecure moments. I have learned that I do not listen very well. I have learned that I do not speak without thinking at times....especially with Aslan who I want to treat with respect. I have learned that I need love in my life. I have learned that I do not want to be alone anymore. I have learned that simple things provide me with great joy. I have learned that I need more sleep :) I have learned that no matter how much I try to work things out with people sometimes it is not meant to work. I have learned that I blush a lot *grin*
Tuesday, May 22, 2001
I have started a relationship that has become very special to me in a short time. I was not looking for him. As I have Daddy and Sir in my life.
He wrote me an email that stood out from the rest and so I took a chance and emailed him back. He is intelligent. He listens. He is funny and caring. He is Dominant. He is always thinking and storing the information he gathers from me to use to get in my head.
I feel like I am being broke down like I was with Don but in a good way. Things are changing in me already.
He had me write an essay and I knew it was a test and with work I was tooooo busy to really do it justice but I did it because I knew that if I did not I might lose my chance. So I wrote. It was hard for me to write. It also was a test for him even though I did not see that until today. To see if I could make him forget about it and say skip it. But he did not.
Why do we test? Not sure but part of me hates that I do. Test and/or push. I am surprised I have not pushed him away yet….but maybe I have and I am not seeing it right now.
Okay I am going to have to skip around tonight I need to write about…because it is so on the surface right now.
He is the most amazing man. He made me feel so special last night. He was a man with me. He was a man. I am not sure anyone will understand what I mean by a man.
He was not domineering. He was not passive or indecisive and not that these are women qualities they are not. But so many men in my life and those around me I see in relationships are not strong men. And me describing him as strong does not mean I do not want to see him cry and comfort him when he goes through a loss or sorrow. Because I want to be there for him in good and bad. Always.
He is one who can wipe the tears from my cheek and hold me close. And one who can say that I did wrong I need to be punished. He can hurt and expose his vulnerabilities and I want to see all he is and give just as much back. He has it all. And part of me feels like the other shoe is going to drop and he is going to wake up one morning and say, “you are a freak…I do not want to be with you.”
I am more scared then I think I have ever been. And more wanting to have a chance at things I have always dreamed of.
Last night I let go and gave him a lot of trust. More trust then others have had in this amount of time. I felt intimacy. And some of it scared me but other parts of it made me feel very calm inside.
I have been struggling what to call him here. He told me to call him Aslan. I am not sure at this time what it means but I hope to at some point.
I started to crash today again. Seeing him and then having to leave him just made me feel so alone. And as he and I talked last night – I have lots of people in my life. Lots of friends and family but I am alone. I am alone. Part of me has preferred it that way as no one could hurt me as much as when I was with someone. Love hurts.
I talk and talk and talk with him. He knows things that no other has heard. Except maybe Di and as I just found out there is one thing that I had not told Di that I told him…which of course I think shocked her lol
I said no to him tonight. It hurt more then anything. I am still feeling the pain from it. I wish so badly I could have just obeyed. I did not think it would hurt this much. I do not wish to do it again…
So anyway Aslan is in my life and I hope that we continue moving forward. He is an incredible man...in so many ways.
peace,
danae
He wrote me an email that stood out from the rest and so I took a chance and emailed him back. He is intelligent. He listens. He is funny and caring. He is Dominant. He is always thinking and storing the information he gathers from me to use to get in my head.
I feel like I am being broke down like I was with Don but in a good way. Things are changing in me already.
He had me write an essay and I knew it was a test and with work I was tooooo busy to really do it justice but I did it because I knew that if I did not I might lose my chance. So I wrote. It was hard for me to write. It also was a test for him even though I did not see that until today. To see if I could make him forget about it and say skip it. But he did not.
Why do we test? Not sure but part of me hates that I do. Test and/or push. I am surprised I have not pushed him away yet….but maybe I have and I am not seeing it right now.
Okay I am going to have to skip around tonight I need to write about…because it is so on the surface right now.
He is the most amazing man. He made me feel so special last night. He was a man with me. He was a man. I am not sure anyone will understand what I mean by a man.
He was not domineering. He was not passive or indecisive and not that these are women qualities they are not. But so many men in my life and those around me I see in relationships are not strong men. And me describing him as strong does not mean I do not want to see him cry and comfort him when he goes through a loss or sorrow. Because I want to be there for him in good and bad. Always.
He is one who can wipe the tears from my cheek and hold me close. And one who can say that I did wrong I need to be punished. He can hurt and expose his vulnerabilities and I want to see all he is and give just as much back. He has it all. And part of me feels like the other shoe is going to drop and he is going to wake up one morning and say, “you are a freak…I do not want to be with you.”
I am more scared then I think I have ever been. And more wanting to have a chance at things I have always dreamed of.
Last night I let go and gave him a lot of trust. More trust then others have had in this amount of time. I felt intimacy. And some of it scared me but other parts of it made me feel very calm inside.
I have been struggling what to call him here. He told me to call him Aslan. I am not sure at this time what it means but I hope to at some point.
I started to crash today again. Seeing him and then having to leave him just made me feel so alone. And as he and I talked last night – I have lots of people in my life. Lots of friends and family but I am alone. I am alone. Part of me has preferred it that way as no one could hurt me as much as when I was with someone. Love hurts.
I talk and talk and talk with him. He knows things that no other has heard. Except maybe Di and as I just found out there is one thing that I had not told Di that I told him…which of course I think shocked her lol
I said no to him tonight. It hurt more then anything. I am still feeling the pain from it. I wish so badly I could have just obeyed. I did not think it would hurt this much. I do not wish to do it again…
So anyway Aslan is in my life and I hope that we continue moving forward. He is an incredible man...in so many ways.
peace,
danae
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